ADVICE+REAL LIFE Parenting
He/she/they An age-by-age guide to talking to kids about gender. were different like that,” says Ware. “But they were scared, you know? They weren’t free. They didn’t feel like they could ever be free, because of people’s judgments. There’s extensive research showing that children who have the freedom to interact with many kinds of toys, clothes and activities have better emotional balance and do better in school. And yet stores with gendered clothing sections and pink and blue toy aisles immediately show that there’s still work to be done in this area. Protecting children from sexism and gender policing can feel like a full-time job before we even start discussing the idea of trans or nonbinary people. So how (and when) to begin?
Ages 0–3 “All children’s play is communication, and the toys we provide to children are vocabularies,” says Helen Hargreaves, a Toronto-based child and family therapist with a master’s degree in social work. Hargreaves explains that baby dolls are a vocabulary of nurturing, superheroes and action figures are a vocabulary of power, train sets are a vocabulary of problem-solving and so on. Giving children many options allows them to explore and share their interests and feelings, so offering a wide range of toys at this age is ideal. Hargreaves also notes that, at this age, children role-play and play pretend in a variety of genders, occupations and even species (as anyone whose child has ever declared themselves a kitty will recognize). Asking kids who announce that they are now a dog/astronaut/boy, “What does that mean to you?” is encouraging (rather than saying, “That’s silly”), and it helps children feel safe telling you about their feelings and identity. This is also an age range where many parents teach their children about body parts. When doing so, you should include genitals along with shoulders, knees and toes. As well, a simple statement of “most boys have penises, but not all do,” and “lots of girls have a vulva and vagina,” sets a standard early that genitals are not the beginning and end of gender identity. This also leaves room for the inclusion of intersex children, who make up roughly 1.7 precent of people, and the opportunity for more conversation later.
There’s no downside to trusting that your child understands their own gender, regardless of whether it matches their assigned sex at birth, so don’t ignore or minimize their assertions.
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todaysparent.com January+February 2021
ILLUSTRATION: PETE RYAN
THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL IS A MIX of new experiences for most kids, but Phoenix Washington*’s introduction to kindergarten in suburban Massachusetts left them with an all-too-familiar feeling: the feeling of not belonging. From being asked to sit boy/girl/ boy/girl on the carpet to gendered washroom choices, Washington (now 12) felt “just really tired of having to explain that I’m nonbinary, over and over again, and then explain what that means, and that yes, it’s definitely a real thing.” Phoenix’s mother, Chantal*, had sent an email to the school ahead of her child’s first day, but no one from school followed up—leaving her five-year-old with a lot of work to do. Today, there are considerably more resources for families with children—even as young as Phoenix was—who express a clear, strong sense of their gender in a way that’s not a typical pairing with their assigned sex at birth. As conversations about gender improve and evolve, young people are more aware of the gender binary (and their relationship to it) than children were a decade ago. However, Ruth Koleszar-Green (Haudenosaunee Confederacy, Mohawk Nation, Turtle Clan), an associate professor in the School of Social Work at York University and student of Cree and Mi’kmaq Two-Spirit elder Blu Waters, reminds us that before colonization, children had the right to choose and express their gender and this was common and accepted. “It used to be that when you went to a new place, you would look for the Two-Spirit people there,” says Koleszar-Green. “It was a sign of a healthy community if some people held that role, and those individuals were valued and respected.” Koleszar-Green goes on to note that while children who are raised understanding a variety of gender options aren’t more likely to express a trans or gender-independent identity, they are more likely to develop personal resilience and confidence around their own choices—and the choices of others. For former US Marine Edgar Ware, who now lives in Gravenhurst, Ont. and has both a trans child and a young trans grandchild, this is great news, since he’s seen firsthand how difficult it can be for people who break from the gender norm. “When I was in the service, you always knew a few fellows who
