2020 Predictions

2020 Predictions

2020. 2020. 2020. Say it fast.

It just has that cool, rapid fire vibe when you say it, agreed? I mean, it takes like 10 seconds to say nineteen fiftysix. Think of all the kids born this year — when they go to Sam’s Club pharmacy to get their Plavix prescription filled in 2083 and they ask for their date of birth, they can spit out 2020…BOOM! My phone number ends in 5050, and when someone asks me for it and I say fity-fity, just for a moment I’m In Da Club.

Anyway, some interesting facts about the year 2020. It’s the year of the White Rat, but not just any White Rat, the Metal White Rat. According to “Trusted Psychic Mediums” if the number 2020 appears in your “session” it is a message from your guardian angels that you will achieve all your life goals. So you got that going for you. It is a leap year, so you have one extra day to achieve those life goals, or screw something up, depending on your perspective.

It is the 400th anniversary of the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock on the Mayflower. That is if you can believe ANYTHING we were taught in history class. Who says fake news only began a few years ago?? Some fun facts left out of the Pilgrim story: not long after they landed, they founded this country’s first moving company. A few years later, the Plymouth division of Chrysler produced their first sedan near the site, and at least in my neck of the woods the Pilgrims started the Mayflower Seafood restaurant chain. Doesn’t sound like a stuffy bunch of Puritans to me.

On a darker note, 2020 is an election year. Because of this, I am going against the guidance of our VTC lawyers and The Man. Yes, I’m not issuing the official disclaimer for my prediction ramblings this year. I’m going out on a limb here I know, but I’m betting the things coming out of our glorious nation’s capital, on Facebook, Twitter, yada yada will be much more slanderous than the few loose words written here in this little publication. And if Donnie, Nancy, Mitch or anyone else wants to take us on, we’ll just fall back on the immortal words of P.T. Barnum: “there is no such thing as bad publicity.”

Following Boris Johnson’s lead with Parliament/Brexit, and fed up with the endless investigations into his presidency, DT asks Queen to suspend Congress indefinitely. Surviving members Brian May and Roger Taylor are flattered, but try to explain they have no influence in the political arena. Frustrated by their explanation, The Donald launches a Twitter tirade, calling them the biggest no-talent losers to host a sellout crowd at Wembley Stadium.

Researchers at Virginia Tech proclaim a new day for struggling Southside Virginia golf courses. In keeping with the ever-changing economy, the university announces the Ziggy Marley School of Cannabis will be located at the Institute for Advanced Learning and Research in Danville. “We’ve long known there wasn’t an ounce of topsoil in Pittsylvania County,” states Doobie Dab, dean of the new school. “For prime golf conditions, this mix of red clay, sandstone, and gumbo is crap. But farmers have been growing that “death weed” tobacco on this junk for years. We’ve got hundreds of irrigated acres on area courses just waiting for a new cash crop. CBD beats the heck out of trying to sell golf for $20 per round. Plus, when the commonwealth is finally lighting up “miracle weed” in a few years, we’ll be sitting right at ground zero.”

The PGA Tour announces their in-house study reveals they have no pace-of-play problem. Commissioner Jay Monahan declares “this is a conspiracy by the media to discredit the hard-working independent contractors trying to eke out a living playing professional golf. Furthermore, we see no connection between pace of play in the college or junior ranks and our tour. Why, that would be akin to suggesting a steady diet of violent movies, tv shows, and video games would make folks numb to violence.”

Meanwhile in the real world, things reach a boiling point in the second round of the U.S. Open. Fed up with the glacial pace of play, Brooks Koepka and Ricky Fowler ask Bryson DeChambeau and Jason Day to let them through on the 3rd hole. When they refuse, Koepka launches a towering 360-yard drive on the ensuing hole that lands within a few feet of a dawdling DeChambeau. Then Fowler hits his second shot into the green as Day stands over his putt after consulting his greens book, lining it up from three angles, and meditating for 45 seconds. An enraged Day swats Fowler’s ball into a bunker. Just as Fowler and Koepka reach the green, FOX cuts away to the full three-hour version of The Sound of Music.

Monahan appears later in the evening on Golf Channel to explain what happened. “The angle of the sun made it difficult for Brooks and Ricky to see the group in front of them. As they approached the green and realized what had happened, they made their way towards Bryson and Jason to apologize. At the same time, Bryson and Jason were walking towards them and stepped on rakes simultaneously, which struck Bryson in the face and Jason in the groin. As a medical precaution, both Bryson and Jason withdrew from the event. Any reports you may hear contradictory to this are simply an attempt to discredit the hard-working members of our harmonious tour.”

Roundup, Roundup, Roundup. Science be damned, there’s big money in them thar corporate coffers! The freeway to free money is jammed with every ambulance-chasing lawyer than can rent a billboard or buy ad space on a cable channel. But remember gentle reader, they only have YOUR best interest at heart. Enough said.

In January, TaylorMade releases their latest, greatest, gotta have driver — the M7. A smiling Tiger Woods says “wanna hit it like me, buy this driver. It’s as simple as that!” Reality be damned, the $599 drivers leap off the shelf and appear in 15 handicapper bags all across the country. In June, TaylorMade reduces the M7 to $299 and releases the new gotta have $599 M8. A smiling Tiger says “wanna hit it like me, buy this driver.” You can’t make this stuff up. Seriously.

Clubs dealing with the competitive and ever shrinking pool of agronomy interns follow the lead of college football recruiters. “We realized we had to up our game” says Ainsley Westminster of The Platinum Club. “Let’s be real here, these students are coming off of four years of the best life their parents could buy them. Five-star restaurants in the dining halls. Overseas studies in Bali. Providing free housing in a dorm styled room, 32" TV’s, and hot dogs wasn’t going to cut it anymore.” Pressed for some insight into what The Platinum Club was offering, a reluctant Westminster continued. “All of our housing mirrors the rustic lofts that would be found in a large urban area. No TV under 65" adorns our walls. Multiple gaming consoles are available throughout. Our entire club dining menu is available free of charge for lunch and dinner. If that’s not suitable, we have an unlimited account with Uber Eats, Door Dash, and Munchery with many local restaurants. Thousand thread count sheets are on every bed. On the course, all of our vehicles are equipped with USB chargers. We all know how fast phones batteries die when you are texting, tweeting, gaming, or streaming videos during the workday. Starbucks delivers every morning to our housing complex. On the one weekend per month they have to work, we arrange for our health club masseuse to be available that evening to relieve the excess stress.” Asked for more detail, a clearly irritated Westminster says “I’ve told you this is very competitive situation. To say more would be to jeopardize our recruiting advantage.”

And finally, the best spring battery charging, get me enthused about golf again, finest televised, fewer commercials, non-price gouging tournament in the world…. The Masters…..prediction. In an effort to continue their outreach to the “rest” of the golfing world, the Augusta brain trust adds another twist to the festivities surrounding Masters week. An excited Chairman Fred Ridley explains: “after the tremendous success of our inaugural Augusta National Women’s Amateur last year, and our initiative to host the finals of the Drive, Chip, and Putt Championship since 2014, we’re crawling out on that limb even further. On Monday of tournament week, the course will be closed at noon and all contestants in the Drive, Chip, and Putt Championship from the previous day will tee off in the inaugural Don’t Hit It ‘Til You’re Ready tournament! This promises to be 6–7 (maybe 8) hours of the most actionpacked golf ever seen at Augusta. We’re proud to have NBC announcing legend Gary Koch and JB Holmes as our co-chairmen. I’m sure you’ve heard Gary utter his tagline many times during telecasts: ‘let that be a lesson to all you young golfers out there, go back through your routine if you’re not ready!’ And with the thoughtful 4 minutes and 10 seconds it took J.B. to hit his shot in the Farmers Insurance Classic, we knew immediately who our two chairmen must be. Join us on Masters.com Monday for the first look at the next generation of slowest golfers on the planet!”

Well, there you have it. Over 20 years of letting you peek through my psychic portal to the future. If you’re not rich by now off this stuff, I probably can’t help you. I mean, c’mon, you can lead a horse to water, but if you teach him to fish you feed him for a lifetime. And don’t worry anymore about sending me money. I’ve got this gig lined up through the Clinton Foundation serving as Special Liaison for Elbonia when I retire. Nothing to see here. Move on.

Mark Vaughn, CGCS

Mark Vaughn, CGCS, Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor