IMPACTING LIVES ● DEVELOPING LEADERS
Session 5:: Integrity: Character Dimension 4‐ “Embracing the Negative”
SESSION 5 OBJECTIVES: • To understand what it means to fully develop the trait of “embracing the negative” and how it relates to integrity. (THINK it) • To think critically about and discuss the concepts in ch. 10 : that successfully navigating life entails 1) understanding that difficulties are inherent; 2) we must develop skill sets to effectively handle them. (MEAN it ) • To continue building our skill sets of effective problem solving. (SHOW it) WHAT and SO WHAT?
Chapter 10: “Eating Problems for Breakfast” Key Ideas: o No problems, no profit. (pg. 171-173) o The ones who succeed in life are the ones who realize that life is largely about solving problems. o “Life is difficult. Once we truly know that life is difficult- once we truly understand and accept it- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life IS difficult no longer matters.” (The Road Less Traveled, by Scott Peck [Touchstone 1978]). o Orienting oneself to and intellectually understanding that life is about problem solving is one thing. Being equipped to deal with them and resolve them is quite another matter. o Character that is able to meet the demands of negative reality and transform them into profitable outcomes is the focus of this chapter.
For discussion: The author suggests that difficulty in life is a fact we should all expect. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Why or why not? o o o
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A person of integrated character does not AVOID the elephant in the living room! Profit comes as a result of facing problems (“leaning into them”), do doing it is seen as a good thing, not a negative thing. (pg. 173The masses enjoy the “comfort zone”. They do whatever is most comfortable, even if it is not going to get them to “profit”, whatever that is. (pg. 142-143) Consider Tiger Wood’s reaction to his golf success: he re-vamped his swing to help him grow better long-term – even though it cost him in the short-term. The leaders who are respected are the ones who can be depended on to deal with things directly and competently.
For discussion: “Leaning into a problem” rather than procrastinating with dealing with it is a sign of a mature leader, but tough to do. Can you think of a situation where you proactively dealt with a negative situation? What was the outcome? What about a time when you wish you would have moved more swiftly? What was the fallout? o o
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The ability to recover quickly is essential in our ability to “eat problems for breakfast. (pg. 180-183) Integrated characters are able to recover motivation, hope, judgment, clear thinking, drive, proactivity, and the other faculties needed to move something forward after something bad happens. Without the healthy emotional, cognitive, and behavioral responses needed to “face the demands of reality”, we are apt to go into “protective mode”, to withdraw and basically become MIA rather than proactively analyzing the failure and moving forward.
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If “no problem, no profit” is true, then the ability to recover from them when they show up is huge if profit is going to happen.
For discussion: What prevents us from being able to “recover quickly”? What is needed in our environment to help us do this and develop this character trait? How do we help those we are developing in this area? o o o
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Being able to separate from results is one of the abilities needed that makes it easier to “lean into negative situations. (pg. 183-185) Outcomes are separate from the person, and the people who perform have a stable sense of self no matter what happens. High achievers do not derive their sense of who they are, or how they feel, from the outcomes of their performance. Doing well feels good and contributes to good feelings, but that is different from one’s feeling about oneself. The nature of conflict means that people sometimes have negative feelings toward each other. The one who is separate from the other person’s feelings can understand and empathize, without getting off track.
For discussion: Thinking back to Barrett’s model: The 7 Levels of Leadership Awareness, at what level do you think this issue arises as “an excessive focus”? What strikes you most about this element of an integrated character?
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Leaders take ownership of the results and do not try to excuse those or blame someone else for them. (pg. 185-188) Integrated characters want things to work, and they take ownership of the results as well as their own performance. Although this is important, we also must recognize that there are sometimes things completely out of our control. We can influence things, but we cannot control them. There is a limit to ownership of results. Blame is the parking brake for improvement. Successful people are not victims of circumstance, they look it square in the eye and determine what could have been done different (if anything) to bring a better outcome. The elements of the Underlying Sickness that prevents us from taking appropriate ownership? (pg. 188-190) Narcissism – seeing yourself as perfect or flawless Laziness - to acknowledge responsibility for results makes one responsible for results. I have to get off my duff and make it work!
For discussion: What do you think the statement: “blame is the parking brake for improvement” means in terms of your leadership development? What other elements of this topic: “ownership of results” stands out for you and why? o o o o o
One of the most important aspects of character in life is one’s ability to confront. (pg. 191-194) “You get what you tolerate.” Absence of confrontation is only part of the problem; the part is confrontation not done well. To confront well means to integrate your truth-telling side of your character with the caring side of your character. “Go hard on the issue and soft on the person”.
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Confrontation does not need to be adversarial. It means that you and I are going to face this issue together. You and I versus the problem.
For discussion: How do you see the connection between the ability to confront well and a leader’s integrity or integrated character? Did you have any other observations about this character quality? o o o
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When there is an issue with someone, or a problem that is dealt with and solved, then let go of it. (pg. 194-195) People thrive when they have faced an issue, made it right, and the other person can forgive them and move on. Character integration and wholeness are paramount here. People who have not ever really faced their own misdeeds, owned their own mistakes toward others, and received forgiveness and made amends rarely have forgiveness toward others. Confront well, and when people own it ant the problem is resolved, let it go. The future is to be gained, not lost all over again.
For discussion: What do you see as the greatest barrier to forgiveness and the ability to move on? Why is this important character trait for a leader to develop? o o
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The best way to solve a problem is not to have it to begin with. (pg. 195-198) Integrated characters sense bad situations early on, and if something smells wrong, or is not good enough, they just say no. In other words, after due diligence is done, and something is found lacking, one has the character ability to say “NO”! To say no means that we have to be strong enough to disappoint some people, and also to give up some things that we might want because they have too many negatives that go along with them. Don’t ignore the “cringe factor” when being asked to do something – it’s the immune system for the character. If we are integrated enough to listen, here are things that our gut tells us about moving forward: ¾ This doesn’t feel quite right. ¾ I really don’t feel comfortable doing this or agreeing to this. ¾ This is not what I really want. ¾ I don’t like what I am agreeing to, or part of me doesn’t. ¾ This violates an important value. ¾ I am going to resent this later. ¾ I am going to resent this for a long time. ¾ I resent this now. ¾ I wish this were not happening. ¾ This feels the same as the last time. [Adapted from: 9 Things You Simply Must Do, Cloud, Integrity Pub. 2004]
For Discussion: What are your thoughts about this ability to say no? How easy/difficult is it for you? Can you think of a time in your leadership when saying yes (and sensing this was not a good idea) created issues down the road that were avoidable? How do you strengthen the ability to say no when you need to? o
Character that is mature knows a basic reality and has made it a part of itself: there is no such thing as a free lunch, and whatever has value is going to require hurt in order to possess. In other words, no pain, no gain. (pg. 198-200)
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“Hard Æ Easy vs. Easy Æ Hard. Those are our only two options. We can do the hard work of facing a problem or a challenge and making the necessary changes to resolve it, and then we will enjoy the easy road of having things right. But the hard comes first and must be endured.
For Discussion: What is your perspective regarding this character ability to delay the “easy” and face issues head on? How do you develop this in yourself and those who work under your leadership? NOW WHAT: What was the most important element of “Embracing the Negative” for you personally? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ For next session: Read chapter 11: Character Dimension Five: “Oriented Toward Increase – Getting Better all the Time”
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