Lake Murray Fish Wrapper

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, November 20, 2014 | 1

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You supply the fish, we supply the wrapper.

Steal this paper — please!

INSIDE THIS WEEK

What you’re missing in the Lexington County Chronicle & The Dispatch-News:

• Biker club rallies against child abuse in wake of Jones tragedy • Neighbors fear B-L quarry expansion • Dutch Fork, Lexington, River Bluff move on in football playoffs • New schools near reality for students in Lexington 2 • Chickens to roost in West Columbia?

Subscribe for our print and online editions! Only

$45 a year!

Call 359-7633

Photo by mARK BELLUNE

The White Knoll High School Marching Band performs Friday night before the Lexington-White Knoll Playoff football game. The White Knoll Marching Band recently won the Class 4A State Title.

Letters to Santa Dear Parents: Would your children like to write their own letters to Santa?

It is a good writing exercise and gives them a chance to think of someone else besides themselves in writing Santa.

Guidelines are easy: 1. Letters to Santa available to 7-year-olds or younger.

2. Letters may be up to 25 words after "Dear Santa."

3. Letter writer must ask for something for someone else rather than themselves.

Example: Dear Santa: My sister Mary has been very good.

Please bring her a new doll because her old one is worn out.

4. Letters must bear the child's name.

30

5. Letters must be emailed to chroniclesanta@aol.com Deadline for letters is Friday, Nov. 21.

Letters will appear in our Dec. 4 and 11 editions.

2 | Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

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Caughman-Harman Funeral Home 503 N. Lake Drive • Lexington, SC 803-359-6118

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

FISHING REPORT Lake Murray:

• Bream: Very good. Lake World reports that the shellcracker bite remains very strong, both for sizes and numbers of fish. Concentrate in 4-10 feet of water and fish worms on the bottom. Good-sized bluegill are harder to find right now.

Thursday, November 20, 2014 | 3

• Striped bass: Good. Lake World reports that striper are schooling all over the lake, from the dam up to the twin islands and on up to the Gap. On cloudy days the schooling activity can last all day long, while on sunny days it has been best early and late. Free-lining live herring is working well, and when fish are on the surface throw your favorite topwater lures at them. There is also some decent down-line fishing down to about 35 feet of water.

Need some old newspapers for your painting project?

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What’s in a name?

Robert S. Perry Pharmacist

Safe Handling Of Turkey The cooking process kills any surface ba cteria, so experts say it’s no t necessary to wash the bird before cooking . This also prevents bacteria from being splashed around your kitchen.

Thaw a frozen turkey in the refrigerator in a shallo w baking pan to preve nt juices from dripping onto other foods. Allow 24 hours of thawing tim e for every 5 lbs. of tur key. When preparin g the turkey, wash your ha nds and kitchen surfa ces frequently to avoid spreading bacteria.

Cook the turkey until it reaches a temperature of 16 5 degrees in the breast or stuffing and 180 degrees in the thickest part of the thigh. It’s safes t to cook stuffing separat ely. Happy Thanksg iving!

Summer Hours Thurs-Sat 11am-3pm Sunday 11am2pm Dinner Fri+Sat 4pm-8pm

359-2587

SINCE 1924

If you find yourself trying to decide between a brand medication or generic, we can help. The medication in both is the same. What’s different are the fillers, tablet coatings and price. When it comes to understanding medications, we’re always glad to help.

1207 W. Main St. Lexington Mon-Fri 8:30-6 Sat 8:30-2

408 Ervin Price Rd. Gilbert, S.C. 803-892-2502 803-351-2851

Serving the community for good health prescriptions • medical equipment • compounding

These houses of worship invite you to attend this week.

LEXINGTON 308 East Main Street, Lexington www.lexingtonbaptist.org Sundays

Rev. Rev. Raymond Carlo

9:00 & 10:30 am - Blended Services

2350 Augusta Hwy.

Wednesday Evening Activities for all ages Senior Pastor Mike Turner

United Methodist Church

Traditional Service 8:30am, 11:00am & Tuesdays at 6:30 pm Contemporary Service 11:00am on Sunday Pastor - Ken Owens 309 East Main Street • Lexington 359-6838 • www.lexumcsc.com

-

Worship - 10:30am Sunday School - 9:30am Communion Every Sunday stdavid@alltel.net

www.fblex.org Sunday: 9am Blended Service 10:30am Contemporary Service Wed: 5pm Dinner 6:30pm Service

Wednesday Bible Study 7:00 p.m.

HOLY TRINITY EVANGELICAL LUTHERAN CHURCH

Let newcomers know about your church and fellowship. Advertise for just a few dollars a week right here.

Call 359-7633.

2920 Pella Ave. – West Columbia, SC 29170 • • •

We still believe and teach: Jesus Christ is the only Savior of mankind; baptizing and teaching “all things whatsoever” His Word teaches. (Mt. 28)

Come grow with us in the knowledge of your Savior and His peace.

SS. & Bible Class: 10a.m. • Sunday worship: 11a.m.

Pastor Vance Fossum • 803-796-0005 • www.LexingtonLutheran.org

Great advertising rates! Call us!

359-7633

Classified

4 | Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

LEXINGTON COUNTY

10,000 readers

Chronicle and The Dispatch-News—since 1870

16,000 readers

Classifieds on the internet at www.lexingtonchronicle.com

www.lexingtonchronicle.com

8:30 a.m. - 5 p.m.

FOR SALE

101 Auctions 102 Garage/Yard Sales 103 Furniture 104 Appliances/TV 105 Computers 106 Spa/Pool 107 Misc. for Sale 108 Wanted to Buy

ANNOUNCEMENTS 201 Card of Thanks 202 In Memoriam 203 Misc. Announcements 204 Cemeteries 205 Lost & Found 206 Travel/Cruise 207 Business Notices 208 Instruction/Training

SERVICES

301 Misc. Services 302 Building/Contracting 303 Heating/AC

FOR SALE 101

Auctions

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Sharpe’s Body Shop 180 Boy Scout Rd Gaston, SC 29053 2002 SATURN SL1 1G8ZH52882Z228563 1 9 9 6 TO Y O TA 4RUNNER JT3HN87R0T0019910 2004 CHEVY MALIBU

(803) 359-7633 Monday - Friday FARM/PETS

304 Income Tax Service 305 Insurance 306 Landscaping 308 Pest Control 309 Plumbing 310 Painting 311 Healthcare 312 Clerical

551 Dogs/Cats/Pets 552 Livestock 553 Farm Products

401 Help Wanted - Misc.

402 Help Wanted - Drivers 403 Help Wanted - Labor 404 Help Wanted - Skilled 405 Help Wanted - Sales 406 Help Wanted - Office 407 Help Wanted - Management 408 Help Wanted - Medical 409 Help Wanted - Professional 450 Employment Wanted

CHILD/ELDER CARE

1G1ND52F54M595900 2003 BUICK R E N D E Z O U S 3G5DB03E33S531927 1997 NISSIAN PK 1N6SD11S3VC413214 2002 ISUZUI RODEO 4S2CK58D724325188 11-20

JF1AC4221MC200090 2003 Buick Century 2G4WS52J931229191 1998 Buick Century 2G4WS52M9W1572064 2001 Mitsubishi Galant 4A3AA46H91E073519 1993 Buick LCF 1G4HP53LXPH524782 2004 Toyota Avalon 4T1BF28BX44379060 2007 Ford Mustang 1ZVHT80N175242178 1995 Toyota Celica JT2ATOON4S0035238 2003 Nissan Altima 1N4AL11D93C236903 1984 Chevy SlO 1GCC514B5E2104083 1999 Chevy Lumina 2G1WN52K6X9191603 2005 Ford 4C SRW 1FTSX21P15ED20708

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Columbia Auto Parts & Recovery 700 MAIN STREET W. COLUMBIA, SC 29169 (803) 755-2166 1991 Subaru Loyale

11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the

801 Boats 802 Campers/RVs

601 Business Opportunities 602 Business Loans 603 Personal Loans 604 Investments/Stocks

REAL ESTATE

701 Home Rentals 702 Apt Rentals 703 Vacation Rentals 704 Manufactured Homes 705 Commercial 706 Homes for Sale 707 Apt. for Sale 708 Mobile Home Lots 709 Lots & Acreage 710 Commercial for Sale 711 Wanted to Buy 712 Misc. Rentals

vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Carolina Fleet 1404 Mack St, Gaston, SC 29053 (803) 796-5073 F o r d 5 0 0 V I N : FA H P25155G111725 2000 Mercury Mountaineer VIN: 4M2ZU66P3YUJ16441 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the

vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Tillman Towing 1749 Airport Blvd.

Cayce, SC 29033 (803)794-5060 2004 Dodge Stratus VIN: 1B3EL36R64N257100 2003 Ford Focus VIN: 1FAFP3837W144688 1999 Ford Explorer VIN: 1FMYU22X1XUB96509 2000 Ford Expedition VIN: 1FMRU1562YLB01030 2002 VW Beetle VIN: 3VWFE21C82M436771 2003 Chevrolet Impala VIN: 2G1WF52E239112770 1999 Ford Expedition VIN: 1FMPU18L2XLA48837 2001 To y o t a Celica VIN: JTDDR32T010089800 2 0 0 7 To y o ta Tundra VIN: 5TBRV54147S472565 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges

Special Rates for Special People!

20 words or less for $20 25¢ for each additional word Ads appear in the Lexington County Chronicle, Lake Murray Fish Wrapper and on www.LexingtonChronicle.com.

TRANSPORTATION

FINANCIAL

EMPLOYMENT

501 Child Care 502 Elder Care

BOATS/CAMPERS

851 Automobiles 852 Trucks 853 Motorcycles 854 Commercial

Deadlines:

855 Statewide Classifieds PUBLIC NOTICES

Legals: 5 p.m. Friday for following Thursday publication.

Line Classifieds: Noon Monday for Thursday publication. Holidays are an exception. Call for details.

900 Legals 901 Master In Equity Foreclosures Rates: $20 a week for 1 week $18 a week for 2 weeks $16 a week for 3 weeks $14 a week for 4 weeks

By Mail: Enclose payment with ad copy and mail to Lexington County Chronicle, PO Box 9, Lexington SC 29071

By Phone: Call 803-359-7633 to charge to your VISA or MC account.

All classified advertising is prepaid. resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact Absolute Towing, INC. 1000-A Buff St. West Columbia, SC 29210 Phone (803)9399223 Fax (803)939-9494 2010 VW JETTA VIN: 3VWRX7AJ0AM120671 2001 CADILLAC DEVILLE VIN: 1G6KD54Y81U215830 2 0 0 4 F O R D TA U R U S V I N : 1 FA H P 56S44A116148 1998 LEXUS LS400 VIN: JT8BH28F2W0104308 2004 DODGE N E O N V I N : 1B3ES26C34D554632 1 9 9 7 K I A SPORTAGE VIN: KNDJB7232V5538403 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the

owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact the County Towing and Recovery, LLC 3085 Princeton Road West Columbia, South Carolina 29170 or 6072 St Andrews Road Columbia, South Carolina 29212 Phone 803-955-3003 OR 803708-6017 1990 DODGE D - 1 5 0 V I N : 1B7GE16Y1LS700198 2002 FORD EXPEDITION VIN: 1FMRU17L12LA11099 2000 KIA RIO VIN: KNADC123216524851 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Business Directory Lexington County Chronicle AND The Dispatch-News—SINCE 1870

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: A-1 Wrecker Service1113 Hall Street, West Columbia 794-0077 1999 Dodge Caravan Vin: 1B4GP44G4XB845132 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment

of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: M&W Towing, LLC1819 Airport Blvd, Cayce 794-7004 1997 Ford Ranger V I N : 1 F T C R 1 4 A 1 VTA64470 11-20

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time pro-

Holly

vided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: C&D Towing, LLC- PO Box 2716 West Columbia 739-8866 1988 GMC Sierra Classic VIN: 1GTCS14Z4J2530015 11-20

pUBLIC nOTICE Eagle Self Storage located at 3943 Platt Springs Rd., West Columbia, SC 29170, will hold a public sale on December 5th, 2014 at 3:00pm in porder to enforce a lien imposed on said property (as described below), pursuant to the S.C. Self Storage Act, South Carolina Code Sections 39-20-10 to 3920-50. All goods will be sold to the highest bidder promptly. Management reserves the right to withdraw any unit from

Linda

To place your ad, call Linda or Holly at 803-359-7633.

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A business card ad is $15 a week. Call us.

803-359-7633.

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

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The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

RONT orch P F ROCKIN’ ON THE

Children help special needs students in Project UNIFY program real development."

Harbert said the same student has also shown imBatesburg Elementary provement in other social School has perhaps some of situations and isn't as shy. the most dedicated, com"Just the other week, I passionate and enthusiastic was walking down the hallteachers around. way and she was going the Most of them aren't tall other direction," Harbert enough for roller coasters. said. "Then she turned, "I've never seen kids exlooked and said, 'Hey, Johncited to miss recess," said na!' It was incredible. She Johnna Harbert, Lexington never would have done that County School District before."

Three teacher for the deaf Considering the positive and teacher for the visually results yielded by the effort, impaired. "They're always the teachers involved agree so eager to come to this the program is a great succlassroom and help." cess and will likely continThe classroom Harbert ue, if not expand. A lunchspeaks of is where Tristin buddy system is already in Padgett and other teachers the works, and the helpers are tasked with one of the will be assisting the teachtoughest — but most reers in training the special warding — jobs at the needs children for the Speschool: working with eight cial Olympics. special-needs children.

As for the students? Well, For about an hour on just ask them.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, "I like taking pictures and however, Padgett and her playing at the play centers," crew get 13 extra little help- said 7-year-old Eddie Mobers to assist with the day's ley. tasks, such as arts & crafts "I really like coming and other objectives. here," said Emmerson Har"I really like helping oth- bert, 7, a helper who wants er children and making to be either a teacher or vetthem feel better," said erinarian when she grows 6-year-old Addy Ruth, up. "I can meet new kids whose mother is a teacher. and help them. It makes me "I want them to be happy." feel happy."

Addy, according to According to Padgett, the Padgett, is one of the most connection can be seen Rob Cottingham | Chronicle involved of the helpers, when the helpers leave for Cailyn McCleskey, left, helps jumping from child to child lunch.

Cailyn Harris with an art to help as much as possible.

"They start crying when Others are developing the (the helpers) leave," Padgett project recently at Batesburg-Leesville Primary same attitude. said about her students.

School during a Project "It's like having 13 extra "They miss them."

Unify program session. momma hens in here," Padgett said with a laugh.

The effort is known as Project UNIFY, a program developed from a grant written by Harbert that resulted in funding to the Try a massage such as… school from Special Olym• Swedish pics South Carolina.

• Deep Tissue Looking on while the • Trigger Point students work together, • PTSD Relief it's fairly easy to see the • Prenatal program is mutually Grand Opening Price beneficial to both groups of children, as the inter$ for one hour action between them disOctober Only solves previously probPre-Book a Massage in November and lematic social stigmas. receive a special price of $45 for one hour — a The first-graders who help the teachers keep $15 savings. We are located inside Salon Karma journals, documenting so you can get a massage along with a full-day particularly noteworthy makeover in one stop. experiences and any Melinda Elaine Martin, Licensed Massage Therapist 8693 questions that might arise. Teachers then Salon Karma, 1925 S. Lake Dr., Lexington, Suite 4 meet with the students 803-960-5404 • 803-743-6633 to answer those questions and explain the disabilities and symptoms they encounter.

As the questions are answered, the helpers learn about the disabilities and how to best address the issues and misunderstandings those disabilities might trigger.

On the flip side, the helpers help instill manners and other behaviors in the children they help.

For Harbert, the impact is undeniable. "(The helpers) will tell them, 'Don't say that,' when they say something 17.95 inappropriate," Harbert 4.90 said. "And they're picking up on it."

One student in particular was known for spurting inappropriate language, but after a few weeks in the program, she's learned it's wrong to do so.

"She even says she's sorry," Padgett said. "It's a

By Rob Cottingham cottinghamrob@yahoo.com

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The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, November 20, 2014 | 7

It’s a Dog’s Life

By Scoop Bellune

Diplomatic Dance A certain dignitary, when the band struck up at an embassy function, asked: “Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?”

“Certainly not,” was the reply. “First, you are drunk.

Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan National Anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.”

Unexpected Payment

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only a kiss a yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Playing House

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-inhand to a neighbor’s house.

The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.

“Good morning, children,” she said. “What can I do for you?”

“We’re playing house,” the little girl answered.

“This is my husband and I’m his wife. Can we come in?”

Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, “By all means, do come in.”

Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined.

“No thank you,” she said. “We have to go now.

My husband just wet his pants.”

Relationship Wisdom If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves

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as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Awards Shows Can you believe how many award shows they have now? It seems like that have an award show for everything.

They even have awards for commercials! The CLIO Awards, a whole show full of commercials.

I TIVOed it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Excuses A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right, then I need

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you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

Low Bridge A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge.

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No officer... ...I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

Coffee Recipe A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud.

He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

As she reached the bottom, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV...’The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’”

Hmm...

When Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we say something is out of whack?

What is whack?

Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

Why are “wise man” and “wise guy” opposites?

Why do tug boats push their barges?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If the whole world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

Bear Hunting Fine A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realizing his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

“As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison”, the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal. For every pound of body weight, you will be fined $10.”

Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honor,” he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations. We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds. Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000.”

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws.”

Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, “but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?”

“Because”, the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!”

8 | Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Your weekly guide to area events

Pastor, 8039170971.

HOLIDAY PA-

Events SOCKS FOR SENIORS: Oct. 15-Dec. 15, Friendly Caregivers will collect new socks for seniors living in nursing homes or alone. Set up a box at your business or church and collect new socks for both men and women. Take socks to Friendly Caregivers, 602 E. Main St., Lexington, between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Dec. 1- 5.

The Great Chicken Bog Fundraiser: Friday, November 21 11:00 AM 02:00 PM Greater Cayce-West Columbia Chamber Office 1006 12th Street Cayce, SC 29033.

Members of the Greater CayceWest Columbia Chamber Board of Directors & Ambassadors are cooking Chicken Bog to raise money for expenses associated with the Holiday Parade of Lights. Price is only $8.00 a plate if you order in advance.

Free delivery of orders of 8 or more.

Bake and Book Sale: Sponsored by the Friends of the South Congaree-Pine Ridge Branch Library November 25, 11 a.m., 200 Sunset Drive, West Columbia. Info: 7853050.

BLOOD DRIVES:CayceWest Columbia, Nov. 24: 9 a.m. - 2 p.m., SC Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, 1410 Boston Ave.Lexington.

Nov. 30: 9 a.m. - 2 p.m., Corpus Christi Catholic Church, 2350 Augusta Highway.

Turkey Trot: November 27, 2014 7:30 am. Holiday tradition featuring a 2.5 mile race, 5 mile race and a family fun run. Registration $25 by 11/17/14; $30 11/18/1411/26/14; $35 race day registration. Cost for Fun Run only $10. Presented by Bodyshop Athletics at Golden Hills Golf & C. C. 100 Scotland Drive Lexington, SC 29072. All proceeds benefit Cross Training Ministries. (803) 359-3001. www. bodyshopathletics.com BAZAAR @ SALEM UNITED METHODIST CHURCH: December 13, 2014 from 9 a.m until 2 p.m.

Located at 1321 Salem Church Rd. Irmo, SC 29063. This is a great chance to get all your shopping done at one place!!

There are numerous vendors: scented candles, home-made

soaps, jewelry, home-made wooden bowls, aprons, Christmas décor & ornaments, knitted baby items, Juice Plus, quilts, flavoring, spices, cakes, cheese straws, crochet items, “31” products, home-made wooden toys, dog treats, American girl clothes, Pink Zebra, Endless Xpressions, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Tupperware, and much much more! There will also be many varieties of home-made soups for your lunch (eat in or take out) that our youth is selling to raise money for a mission trip.

christmas VISTA LIGHTS: The Congaree Vista’s signature open house kicks off the holiday season with artistic performances, live music and dancing. More than 60 galleries, shops and restaurants will open their doors to showcase their holiday treasures before the Vista’s tree lighting. Many businesses will offer complimentary beverages, hors d’oeuvres and shopping discounts, Nov. 20, 5-9 p.m., Columbia’s Congaree Vista with pedestrian-only traffic on Gervais Street from Assembly to Gadsden; and Lincoln and Park Streets, between Senate and Lady Streets. The evening’s highlight will be a tree-lighting ceremony at 7 p.m.

Lights Before Christmas: Tickets now on sale at Riverbanks Zoo and Garden for Christmas light show running Nov. 21 through end of December. Nearly one million lights plus animated images, 20-foot musical tree, snow and Santa Claus 6-9 p.m.

Nightly through Dec. 23. Avoid long lines. Order tickets at http://www.riverbanks.org/ events/lights-before-christmas. shtml.

Breakfast with Santa and The Grinch w/ Holiday Expo: Saturday, November 22 8:00 AM 11:00 AM Our Savior Lutheran Church 1500 Sunset BoulevardWest Columbia , SC 29169.

Bring the family for a pancake breakfast and pictures with Santa and/or The Grinch! $5.00 a plate ; 5 & under is FREE! Vendors will also there with cool items for sale for holiday gift giving! SPONSORED BY

GMM INSURANCE. Photo Packages start at $10.00; Pictures by PRETTY PICTURES PHOTOGRAPHY ** SPECIAL EARLY BIRD PHOTO PACKAGE AVAILABLE **.

2014 Santa’s Market Craft Show: at Seven Oaks Park on December 6 from 8:30am - 2:30pm is filling up quickly and there are only a limited number of spaces available. Don’t forget to turn in your vendor application for this annual community event! For more information call 803-7723336.

HOLIDAY TOUR OF HOMES: Benefit for Palmetto Place Children’s Shelter sponsored by Women’s Club of Lake Murray Dec. 7 at Saluda River Club in Lexington. Visit eight professionally decorated homes 3-7 p.m. and enjoy a reception at Chickawa Outdoor Center. Tickets, available at JWCofLakeMurray.org, are $15 each.

DESSERT THEATER: First Baptist of Lexington is having a dessert theater on December 11, 12, and 13,7 p.m. Celebrate the Christmas holidays with drama, music and best of all... wonderful desserts and coffee! Make this a present for family and friends! It will be a great night of fellowship and fun. Tickets are $7 per person plus a small processing fee.

The location is 415 Barr Road, Lexington SC. For more tickets and more information go to www.fblex.org. You can also call Roy Stenstrom, Worship

RADE OF LIGHTS: Register now for the CayceWest Columbia parade Dec. 13, 5:30 p.m., down 12th Street ending in front of the Cayce Municipal Complex. Entry is free and limited to the first 90 applicants. Find application online at http://www.cwcchamber.com/holiday-paradeof-lights.html LITTLE BETHLEHEM: First Baptist Church of Gilbert presents Little Bethlehem 2014 Dec. 5, 6, 7 and 12, 13, 14 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. The church is at 403 Peach Festival Rd. in Gilbert. Admission is free.

lessons GRIEFSHARE: A confidential, Christian-based 13-week grief and loss support group meets Jan.5-April 12, 2015, 2-4 p.m., at Saxe Gotha Presbyterian Church, 5503 Sunset Blvd., Lexington.

The video program features nationally recognized experts on grief recovery topics. Each session is self-contained. Meet other people that understand what you are going through. Info or to register by Dec. 30, call (803) 359-7770 ext 63.

HELP FOR COUNTY VETERANS: Veterans’ Affairs Officer Ed Lundeen meets Veterans, surviving spouses, dependents and beneficiaries at area Gaston Library first Thursday each month –

10 a.m.-12 p.m.; Chapin Library, first Friday of each month – 9 a.m.-11 a.m.; and BatesburgLeesville Library, second Friday of each month – 10 a.m.-noon. The office provides education, advice and assistance in filing VA claims and information regarding VA programs. Appointments encouraged, call 803-7858400 Monday-Friday 8am-5pm.

music Lake Murray Symphony Orchestra: as we kick off the 2014-15 season with a concert celebrating the 200th anniversary of Norway’s independence. This special concert of musical selections by Norwegian composers includes: Halvorsen’s Entry March of the Boyars Grieg’s Peer Gynt Suites Svendsen’s Symphony No. 1. Music sponsored by The Norwegian Embassy and The International Festival of Columbia. Concert is Free! For more information LMSO.org or call 803-400-3540.

museums LEXINGTON COUNTY MUSEUM: Collection of antebellum buildings and artifacts. Tues.-Sat 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Sunday 1-4 p.m. Closed Mondays and holidays. 231 Fox Street at U.S. 378 (Columbia Ave.) Adults $5, children $2. Info: 3598369.

SC ARCHIVES & HISTORY CENTER: Open MonFri, 8:45 a.m. - 4:45 p.m., at 8301 Parklane Road, Columbia.

COLUMBIA MUSEUM OF ART: Corner Main and Hampton, Columbia. Tu. Fri. 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Sat-

urday 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Sun. 12 p.m.-5 p.m.

Closed Mondays. Adults $10, Students $5. Every Sunday is free. Info 7992810. Free admission to all active duty military personnel and their families.

EdVenture Children’s Museum: 211 Gervais St., Columbia.

Open Tues. - Sat. 9 a.m.

-5 p.m. and Sunday noon-5 pm Adults $9.50 per person (discounts for military and seniors). The second Tuesday of each month is Family Night, 5-8pm with $1 per person admission. (803) 779-3100 or visit www. edventure.org.

S.C. STATE MUSEUM: 301 Gervais St., 8984921. Adults $7, seniors $6, children 3-12 $5, under 3 free, Military discount.

meetings PINE RIDGE WOMEN’S CLUB: Meets 3rd Thursday each month September through May at Pine Ridge Town Hall. Info: Hazel Kanipe, 803-755-9995.

CAREGIVER RELIEF: Babcock Center is launching WOW! Seniors Program, made possible through a grant from the United Way of the Midlands, to provide caregiver relief opportunities on the weekends for those caring for people with intellectual disabilities, autism and related disabilities age 55 and older within their home. Program runs 8 a.m.–4 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays at sites located in Richland and Lexington counties. Free to individuals who are not currently receiving supports through the Department of Disabilities and Special Needs. Information, call Marcus Smith, 799-1970.

AARP Auto Insurance Program from The Hartford Now available from your local independent agent!

Call Today for your FREE, no obligation quote:

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Fish Wrapper storm team forecast Saturday Friday MOSTLY SUNNY SUNNY HI 57|LO 33 Prec chance: 0%

HI 62|LO 47 Prec chance: 0%

sunday T-STORMS

MONday AM T-STORMS

HI 71|LO 62 Prec chance: 80%

HI 71|LO 50 Prec chance: 40%

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803.359.0793

www.RogersProp.com