Lake Murray Fish Wrapper 5-7-15

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

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"Official Newspaper of the Lexington County Blowwsh Baseball Team"

You supply the fish, we supply the wrapper.

Steal this paper — please!

INSIDE THIS WEEK

What you’re missing in the Lexington County Chronicle & The Dispatch-News:

No appeal for James Metts LMC lab OK’d by DHEC; Providence appeals Local officials support minority voter appeal Gov. Haley calls out fellow Republicans Metts to donate $105K to charities

Subscribe for our print and online editions! Only

$45 a year!

Call 359-7633

Pleasant Hill Middle crowns Miss PHMS 2015 and grade-level pageant winners. The winners include: Miss PHMS Seventh-Grade Madeline Owens, Miss PHMS 2015 Grace Ann Simpson, Miss PHMS Eighth-Grade Emery Brooks and Miss PHMS Sixth-Grade Addie Lynn Evans.

The pageant raises money for the American Cancer Society and the PHMS Athletic Department.

2 | Thursday, May 7, 2015

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ANSWERS

Fish Wrapper Fun Corner

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Ashley Steele 359-7633

Tech talk

|

_

That @%$&^ phone update Last week I wrote about hardware being daunting.

Sometimes it is the software that is the problem.

We humans seem resistant to change. Nowhere is that more apparent than in

technology.

Think about it. You buy a phone. You learn to use your phone and get used to it.

After a year, the company updates the phone’s software because of security concerns.

Now there is a whole new layout and everything has moved.

The company did it because it is a better design.

But you are used to the old design. Getting used to where everything is now, that is the daunting part.

You get angry, fed up.

If you are like me, you

Thursday, May 7, 2015 | 3 might throw it across the room because they took off your favorite free app.

That was a joke, ladies and gents. But the number of times I wanted to throw it is not.

Good ol’ glitches Unfortunately, software upgrades are something we all have to deal with.

Security issues have to be fixed.

Glitches and “bugs” in our programming must be fixed.

These can and do cause us to re-examine all that we’ve created and reprogram it.

Why the new look? Because the company wanted to.

It may not be necessary to change the design to fix a problem.

Often it just creates a new feel which compels people to buy the product.

Look at Microsoft Windows.

My favorite version would probably have to be Windows 98.

I know. That’s old school stuff.

Why did Microsoft keep coming out with new versions?

Programming actually

changes. The way we write it changes.

Sometimes, the “need” people make changes.

The “look” people like changes and updates.

Time marches on Remember what Windows 98 looked like?

Now think of Windows 7 or 8.

They are vastly different in just the visual department.

That’s because we became better at graphics and programming.

We can program things now that we didn’t even dream of back when 98

was going strong.

So there are updates.

And, yes, sometimes updates break the program.

Without testing, a program update can do more harm than good.

Updates are necessary and will continue to happen with all the software you use.

Don’t be afraid to get in there and use it just as if it were a new program.

Get excited and think of it as something new and fun.

It’s all in your attitude.

FISHING REPORT Lunch Hours: Thurs & Sunday 11am-2pm Friday & Saturday 11am-3pm Dinner Fri+Sat 4pm-8pm Breakfast Buffet: Saturday 7 a.m. - 10 a.m.

Lake Murray: Striped bass: Good. Lake World reports that striped bass fishing is wide open right now. Fish seem to be fatter this year with the proliferation of bait in the lake. Fish can be found all over the lake from the splits of the rivers to the dam, and this is the magical time of year when anglers can catch striper by about any technique they want to use.

Cut bait fishing, targeting schooling fish, trolling bucktails, slowly free-lines, and more will catch fish from the surface to 30 feet, with the bigger fish usually hanging closer to the banks. About the only technique that is under-represented is down-line fishing, but that will come on soon as water temperatures heat up.

Pistachios & Diab

etes Risk Pistachios may low er the risk of diabetes in people with prediabe tes (having blood su gar levels higher than no rmal but not high en ough to be diabetes), acco rding to a new study.

Participants were div ided into two group s. The diet for one group inc luded 2 oz. of pistac hios a day; the control gro up had a similar die t with equivalent calories Roberta P. Vining pistachio group but without pistachios. The had improvements in blood Pharmacist sugar and insulin lev els and also an inc rease in the hormone that he lps regulate glucose levels.

Experts say to eat pistachios in place of and not in addition to oth er foods so not to inc rease total daily calorie int ake.

Catering is available...

Call Today!

359-2587

1207 W. Main St. Lexington Mon-Fri 8:30-6 Sat 8:30-2

SINCE 1924

Serving the community for good health prescriptions • medical equipment • compounding

408 Ervin Price Rd. Gilbert, S.C. 803-892-2502 803-351-2851

These houses of worship invite you to attend this week.

LEXINGTON 308 East Main Street, Lexington www.lexingtonbaptist.org Sundays

9:00 & 10:30 am - Blended Services Wednesday Evening Activities for all ages Senior Pastor Mike Turner

United Methodist Church

Traditional Service 8:30am, 11:00am & Tuesdays at 6:30 pm Contemporary Service 11:00am on Sunday Pastor - Ken Owens 309 East Main Street • Lexington 359-6838 • www.lexumcsc.com

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Worship - 10:30am Sunday School - 9:30am Communion Every Sunday stdavid@alltel.net

www.fblex.org Sunday: 9am Blended Service 10:30am Contemporary Service Wed: 5pm Dinner 6:30pm Service

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Wednesday Bible Study 7:00 p.m.

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2920 Pella Ave. – West Columbia, SC 29170 • • •

We still believe and teach: Jesus Christ is the only Savior of mankind; baptizing and teaching “all things whatsoever” His Word teaches. (Mt. 28)

Come grow with us in the knowledge of your Savior and His peace.

SS. & Bible Class: 10a.m. • Sunday worship: 11a.m.

Pastor Vance Fossum • 803-796-0005 • www.LexingtonLutheran.org

Call us!

359-7633

Classified

4 | Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

LEXINGTON COUNTY

10,000 readers

Chronicle and The Dispatch-News—since 1870

16,000 readers

Classifieds on the internet at www.lexingtonchronicle.com

www.lexingtonchronicle.com

8:30 a.m. - 5 p.m.

FOR SALE

101 Auctions 102 Garage/Yard Sales 103 Furniture 104 Appliances/TV 105 Computers 106 Spa/Pool 107 Misc. for Sale 108 Wanted to Buy

ANNOUNCEMENTS 201 Card of Thanks 202 In Memoriam 203 Misc. Announcements 204 Cemeteries 205 Lost & Found 206 Travel/Cruise 207 Business Notices 208 Instruction/Training

SERVICES

301 Misc. Services 302 Building/Contracting 303 Heating/AC

FOR SALE 101

Auctions Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: M&W Towing, LLC 846 Chris Drive West Columbia (803) 794-7004 1995 Chevrolet Astro Van VIN: 1GNDM19Q2SB107858 1999 Dodge D u r a n g o V I N : 1B4HR28YXXF621250 2 0 0 6 To y o ta Camry LE VIN:

(803) 359-7633 Monday - Friday FARM/PETS

304 Income Tax Service 305 Insurance 306 Landscaping 308 Pest Control 309 Plumbing 310 Painting 311 Healthcare 312 Clerical

REAL ESTATE

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: A-1 Wrecker Service 1113 Hall Street West Columbia (803) 794-0077 2 0 0 2 K i a Spectra LS VIN: KNAFB121625177896 1987 Mercury Cougar VIN: 1MEBM6038HH705375 2000 Pontiac Sunfire SE VIN: 1G2JB5246Y7309765 1999 Mercedes SLK 230 VIN: WDBKK47F4XF132706 1995 Ford Thunderbird LX VIN:

1FALP624XSH141244DOT 04/22/15 2013 Hyundai Accent VIN: KMHCU5AE3DU132561 2004 Jeep Laredo WJJH VIN: 1J4GW48S24C204002 1991 Toyota Camry DLX VIN: 4T1VV21EXMU050704 2006 Suzuki Forenza 4S VIN: KL5JD56Z06K317050 5-7

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: ProTow of Columbia 521B Columbia Ave Lexington, S.C. 29072 803-808-0505

701 Home Rentals 702 Apt Rentals 703 Vacation Rentals 704 Manufactured Homes 705 Commercial 706 Homes for Sale 707 Apt. for Sale 708 Mobile Home Lots 709 Lots & Acreage 710 Commercial for Sale 711 Wanted to Buy 712 Misc. Rentals

2 0 0 8 P O N TIAC G6 VIN: 1G2ZH57N484271036 2002 CHEVY T A H O E V I N : 1GNEK13702R254720 1999 PONTIAC FIREBIRD VIN: 2G2FS22K2X2214208 1994 HONDA CIVIC VIN: JHMEH969XRS013217 2001 FORD FOC U S V I N : 1 FA F P 34P81W291401 2002 CHEVY BLAZER VIN: 1GNDT13W72K164472 5-7

Abandoned mobile home The below listed mobile home has been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below. Pursuant to appliacable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the mobile home within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the mobile home in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the mobile home with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the mobile home and consent to the sale of the mobile home at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the mobile home may be disposed of according to state law. Any owner,lien

holder, or other interested party should contact: LexLand Properties 1421 Pisgah Church Rd. Lexington SC 29072 1974 MDR FBR 12x60 VIN: D27426583808 5-7

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Bosket Auto Service 520 North 12 St, West Columbia, SC 29169 2 0 0 5 P o n tiac Grand Prix VIN# 2G2WP522751258386 2001 Olds Alero VIN# 1G3NL52E81C151106 5-7

Abandoned

851 Automobiles 852 Trucks 853 Motorcycles 854 Commercial

Special Rates for Special People!

Deadlines:

855 Statewide Classifieds PUBLIC NOTICES

Legals: 5 p.m. Friday for following Thursday publication.

Line Classifieds: Noon Monday for Thursday publication. Holidays are an exception. Call for details.

900 Legals 901 Master In Equity Foreclosures Rates: $20 a week for 1 week $18 a week for 2 weeks $16 a week for 3 weeks $14 a week for 4 weeks

By Mail: Enclose payment with ad copy and mail to Lexington County Chronicle, PO Box 9, Lexington SC 29071

By Phone: Call 803-359-7633 to charge to your VISA or MC account.

All classified advertising is prepaid.

Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Sharpe’s Body Shop 208 Boy Scout Rd, Gaston, SC 29053 (803) 791-9102 2000 Ford Ranger V I N : 1 F T Y R 1 4 X 9 YTA56289 1999 Honda Accord VIN: 1HGCG3151XA015746 2002 Honda MC VIN: JH2PC35022M302389 5-7

Notice Notice is hereby given that on May 22, 2015, at 10:00 a.m., a public sale will be held for the purpose of satisfying a landlord lien

against the following: A-27 Kostrzewa washer, dryer, mattresses, bike, misc.

D-18-19 Hatchell Chair, Ent. Center, washer, misc.

G-31 - Dawkins - mattresses, table, chairs, misc.

At: Airport Self Storage 4025 Edmund Rd. West Columbia, SC 29170 (803)755-1313 Sealed bids will be taken and rooms sold to highest bid over minimum.

Winning bidders will be announced immediately following sale. Payments in cash only. Rooms to be emptied within 24 hours.

Rooms subject to be deleted from sale. Owner reserves right to reject any or all bids.

5-14

Public Notice SmartStop Self Storage located at 120 Northpoint Dr. Lexington, SC 29072 (803-808-6070) intends to satisfy its selfstorage lien arising from non-payment of Rent for the following Occupant’s of the Facility. If no description is indicated the contents are general household goods and furnishings.

Jeff Nelson, last known address 1925 Cypress Branch Ct. Charleston, SC 29414 Unit #344, Description of Property: Couch, dresser, TV Stand, Mattress, Bed frame, Wardrobe, Pictures, Kitchen supplies, Sports cards, Etc. Troy Cauldwell, last known address 4610 Arlington Columbia, SC

Business Directory Lexington County Chronicle AND The Dispatch-News—SINCE 1870

29203 Unit #213, Description of Property: Dressers, Mattress, Futon chair, Bed frame, Mirror, Lamp, Fan, Dryer, Weight bench, etc.

The items will be sold on May 28, 2015 at 12:00 p.m. o’clock at www.storagetreasures. com. The winner of the sale is subject to the terms and conditions of the website, preregistration to bid is required.

5-14

employment

inside secrets of selling by referral and direct response advertising that generates sales.

If you love sales and have a minimum two years sales experience, please contact Linda Sauls at lindasauls11@ yahoo.com UFN

Ambitious but frustrated? Need money for rent, mortgage, school, clothes, kids, car, spendthrift spouse or retirement one day? Email Jerry Bellune@yahoo.com UFN

401

HELP WANTED real estate MISC. 709 FULL TIME NANNY lots & POSITION in the Chapin area. 8am-2pm Mon-Fri. acreage Contact patsnannies. com 803-348-1341 5-14

402

help wanted drivers D r i v e r s ( CDL - A Truck) Home Daily!

Paid Weekly Health/ Den/ Vision Ins. 401K Stable Ops 49 Years Strong Bill or Albert: 1-855-995-7188 5-7

405

help wanted sales Sales job of DRE A M S your Frustrated with cold calling?

Tired of prospects telling you that advertising doesn’t work?

We can teach you the

waterfront lot o n l a k e Murray/ 8/10acre w/150+ feet on lake approved for private dock. $120,000.

Call 803-732-2411.

2015

statewide classifieds ANNOUNCEMENTS Tuesday, May 12, 2015 is the last day to redeem winning tickets in the following South Carolina Education Lottery Instant Game: (SC700) $1,000,000 Fortune

Patients Call Health Hotline Now! 1- 800815-6016 5-7

AUCTIONS Edgefield pottery; 1953 MGTD; Southern Furniture; Civil War, coins, sterling silver, MORE! Sat. May 9, 9AM, Ivy Auctions, 22391 Hwy 76 E., Laurens, SC 29360, 864-682-2750 John Allen Ivy SC4239, Barton Reed Ivy SC4252 5-7

ADVERTISE YOUR AUCTION in 107 S.C. newspapers for only $375. Your 25-word classified ad will reach more than 2.6 million readers. Call Donna Yount at the S.C. Newspaper Network, 1-888727-7377.

5-7

FINANCIAL SERVICES Sell your structured settlement or annuity payments for CASH NOW. You don’t have to wait for your future payments any longer! Call 1-800446-9734 5-7

HELP WANTED Can You Dig It? Heavy Equipment Operator Career! Receive Hands On Training.

National Certifications Operating Bulldozers, Backhoes & Excavators.

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1-866-362-6497 5-7

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Got K nee P a in?

Back Pain? Shoulder Pain? Get a pain-relieving brace -little or NO cost to you. Medicare

Holly

Experienced press operator needed for Goss Community Press. Full time position

Linda

To place your ad, call Linda or Holly at 803-359-7633.

FOR FIRST-CLASS PROFESSIONAL SERVICES AND PRODUCTS

Your Hometown Realtor!

5-28

803-206-7025

adamrepa@yahoo.com see all area listings at: www.adambedenbaugh.com

5-28

Why is she smiling?

Because her business is growing twice as fast as her competitor’s. She markets through the Chronicle.

5-7

Do you need a new roof?

4

20 words or less for $20 25¢ for each additional word Ads appear in the Lexington County Chronicle, Lake Murray Fish Wrapper and on www.LexingtonChronicle.com.

TRANSPORTATION

601 Business Opportunities 602 Business Loans 603 Personal Loans 604 Investments/Stocks

CHILD/ELDER CARE

5-7

801 Boats 802 Campers/RVs

FINANCIAL

401 Help Wanted - Misc.

402 Help Wanted - Drivers 403 Help Wanted - Labor 404 Help Wanted - Skilled 405 Help Wanted - Sales 406 Help Wanted - Office 407 Help Wanted - Management 408 Help Wanted - Medical 409 Help Wanted - Professional 450 Employment Wanted 501 Child Care 502 Elder Care

BOATS/CAMPERS

551 Dogs/Cats/Pets 552 Livestock 553 Farm Products

EMPLOYMENT

4T1BE32K56U649106

Thursday, May 7, 2015

6-4

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Thursday, May 7, 2015 | 5

COUCH THEATER -- DVD PREVIEWS

By Sam Struckhoff EDITOR’S NOTE: DVDs reviewed in this column are available in stores the week of May 18, 2015.

PHOTO: Bradley Cooper in “American Sniper” --PICKS OF THE WEEK “American Sniper” (R) -Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) was the most lethal sniper in American history, serving four tours in Iraq and earning himself the nickname “Legend.” This Clint Eastwood project draws on Kyle’s autobiography to show how war takes its toll, even on those who seem untouchable. The larger political context of the war is kept to the margins, keeping the focus tight on the film’s protagonist.

It’s a work of gutwrenching fiction crafted from an incredible true story. The film has worked as a political Rorschach test -drawing criticism from both ends of the spectrum for perceived propaganda.

As a story about a man in an extraordinary situation, Eastwood’s direction clenches tight around the heart and hands over a satisfying drama with sledgehammer action sequences.

“Leviathan” (R) -- This tragedy of modern-day suffering paints a harsh picture of life in Russia and the institutions there. Kolya is a struggling mechanic who lives on a bit of coast in a remote, blue-gray fishing village. The mayor is an old-fashioned bully who wants Kolya’s land, and he has a posse of vodkasoaked cops who have no problem pushing around

Bradley Cooper in American Sniper

their countrymen. Kolya calls in his friend Dmitri, a lawyer from Moscow, to help him stand up to the powers that be.

The human suffering and melancholy are so rich, that they could only come from a Russian-made film indicting corruption in Russian institutions. “Leviathan” kicked up quite a bit of controversy in the Motherland, where officials are putting out new policies to make sure that there isn’t fodder for another film that hits this hard.

“Hot Tub Time Machine 2” (R) -- With a we’re-barely-even-trying kind of attitude, the first “Hot Tub Time Machine” produced some easy laughs, as a bunch of misfit dudes get sent back to 1986, cycling through crass, nostalgic and random jokes. This time around, the one-dimensional characters are wearing thin, and now there’s a plot we’re supposed to somehow care about. After starting over in 1986, the guys use their

Need some old newspapers for your painting project?

Call us.

359-7633 Holy Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church - CLC

(Church of the Lutheran Confession) will celebrate “50 Years of God’s Grace” on Sunday, May 17th at 11:00 a.m., in the second of four special services throughout the year The congregation was formed by Lutheran Christians who came out of several churches that were no longer faithful to the teachings of the Bible, nor holding to the confessions of the Lutheran Reformation. Rev. Paul D. Notling, of Mankato, Minnesota, a “son” of the congregation, will deliver the message from Scripture: “A Time for Remembering.” Our church and school are located at 2920 Pelia Avenue, West Columbia, SC.

All are invited to come and hear the Word of God we still hold dear!

knowledge of future trends, hits and gadgets to make themselves rich. Lou (Rob Corddry) gets shot in the crotch, initiating a chase through time. Instead of rapid-fire random jokes, we get a few juvenile gags stretched to capacity.

ing the wounds from her heavy-handed abusive older brother. Her grades are so low that she decides to drop out, and to her relief, she finds three comrades who make her feel alive and valuable. Marieme gets deeper and deeper into risky behavior, and starts going by “Vic.” It’s a gripping and realistic drama, navigated by an amazing non-actor in the lead role.

“Girlhood” -- In a bleak housing block somewhere in one of the unphotogenic corners of Paris, 16-yearold Marieme (Karidja Toure) struggles to get TV RELEASES through each day taking “Orange Is the New Lexington County Chronicle The Dispatch-News | www.lexingtonchronicle.com care of her family and&nursBlack Season 2”

Scoop’s deal for you this week only

Six free weeks of the Chronicle home delivered with a print subscription for 52 more weeks

But you need to hurry. This offer expires May 4

Why do so many community leaders read the Lexington County Chronicle faithfully each week? Because it is the only source of countywide news and sports in all 14 towns and cities and five school districts.

Each week you’ll get personal newsletters from our local correspondents and award-winning news and sports coverage and photos from 12 high schools and 3 private schools.

You’ll discover the latest on what’s going on in your neighborhood, your children’s schools and church and civic groups.

The easy way to start or renew your subscription and get six weeks home delivered absolutely FREE is to call Ashley at 359-7633 today.

That’s a $5.20 saving. Please hurry.

This offer expires at 4 p.m. Monday, May 11.

WIS-TV personality Joe Pinner says he needs the

Let’s talk about getting you more from Medicare.

Phyllis Smith, Agent (803) 445-6146 (TTY: 711) Talk with your local licensed Humana sales agent today.

8 a.m. – 5 p.m., Monday – Friday www.humana.com/phyllissmith

Lexington County Chronicle to find out what’s going on around the county there is

nothing like having the entire edition at your command in your lap with all the great photographs, the stop-action sports shots even aroma of the printer’s ink.

Y0040_GHHHXDEEN Accepted

Cayce Mayor Elise Partin says she reads the Lexington County Chronicle for all the community, school and sports news each week.

Lexington Mayor Steve MacDougall says he looks forward to picking up the newest edition of the Lexington County Chronicle.

“I learn something new Dr. Ginger Macaulay about the wonderful resisays there’s no better way dents that make our com- to keep up with what is munity so special.” happening in Lexington To get six free weeks with a subscriptions for only $45 a year, Call Ashley at 359-7633 before May 11.

Humana is a Medicare Advantage organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in a Humana plan depends on contract renewal. Reach Humana sales and customer service at 1-800-336-6801 (TTY: 711), 8 a.m. – 8 p.m., Monday – Friday.

“Call the Midwife: Season 4” “Glee Season 6” “American Dad Volume 10” “Boardwalk Empire: CSR” “The Larry Sanders Show -- The Complete Series” “NewsRadio -- The Complete Series”

County, whether it’s the news and sports or what’s going on in each town.

C

6 | Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

It’s a Dog’s Life

By Scoop Bellune

The Head A naval command instructor was indoctrinating his new naval command recruits.

He said, “You are all in the Navy now and in the US Navy we have our own language. For instance, in the Navy we don’t call it a bathroom; we don’t call it a toilet; we don’t call it a latrine.”

A young Naval Command recruit raised his hand and asked, “What do you call it?”

“Son, we call it a ’head’.

Now tell me son, what is the difference between a ’head’ and a ’hole in the ground’?”

The naval recruit said, “Well, I don’t know.”

The naval command Instructor said, “Son, how do you expect to command a US Naval ship if you don’t know your head from a hole in the ground?”

New Enemies A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no...” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

Upsetting the Wagon A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, son,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, the boy thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon,” replied the boy.

Questionable Description A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.

The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.

The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man.

The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, “That’s not true . He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face.”

After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.

She replied, “Just because I reported him missing doesn’t mean I want him back!”

Relationship Wisdom If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to

it!

Phone Magic A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.

So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was very excited, and loved her new phone. He showed it to her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day, she went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband.

“Hi, honey,” he said.

“How do you like your new phone?”

She replied “I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that, baby?” asked the husband.

“How did you know I was at K-Mart?”

MEMO Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment To: All Managers The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the

end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Elevator Humor The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

“Sure thing, son.” replied the bellboy.

“How dare you call me son!!” exclaimed the outraged man.

“Well,” replied the boy as they arrived, “I brought you up, didn’t I?”

Pony Express At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. “I’d like to know why,” she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, “The horses are a lot older now?”

Package Inspection When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks.

“Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?” she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, “I like them.”

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me.

“Can I have another pack? This one’s been opened.”

Ancient Heart Attack An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ’10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

What’s in a name?

If you find yourself trying to decide between a brand medication or generic, we can help. The medication in both is the same. What’s different are the fillers, tablet coatings and price. When it comes to understanding medications, we’re always glad to help.

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, May 7, 2015 | 7

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The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Your weekly guide to area events

events HISTORIC CEMETERY TOURS: Historic Columbia is offering two Elmwood Cemetery tours. Secrets From The Grave will be offered the 2nd Thursday of each month at 7:30 p.m.

Moonlight Cemetery Tours are offered the 2nd Thursday of each month through September at 8 and 8:30 p.m. Bring a flashlight. Tickets for adults $12, youth $6; member tickets $8 and $4. Purchase tickets at historiccolumbia.org or email reservations@historiccolumbia.com or cal 803-252-1770, ext. 23.

Tours last about an hour.

BAND MATTRESS SALE: The Brookland-Cayce Band is having a mattress sale on Saturday, May 16, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., in the BCHS cafeteria. All the mattresses are brand new, all sizes are available, name brands like Simmons, Beautyrest, and more!

Love for Lennon: Friends and family are holding a benefit for Lennon Cureton of Lexington to help the infant get a heart transplant. Lennon was born Jan. 9 with Dilated Cardiomyopathy (DCM). The benefit includes a carnival, bake sale and silent auction at Pisgah Lutheran Church in Lexington from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. on May 16. To learn more call 359-0917 or follow Lennon on Facebook at “Baby Lennon’s Battle” or donate at www.GoFundMe.com/BabyLennonsBattle.

BLOOD DRIVE: May 17, 1-5 p.m., Broadacres Baptist Church in the Fellowship Hall, 2350 Taylor Rd., Cayce. Call the church office, 794-7762 or Larry Berry, cell 260-0504 for an appointment. Walk-ins are also welcome!

Sheriff’s Foundation Jailbreak: 5K Run & Walk May 23 to benefit Lexington County Sheriff’s Foundation. Packet pick up and late registration begin at 6:15 at Sheriff’s Department, 521 Gibson Rd., Lexington. 5K run and walk begins at 8 a.m. Course is USAFT Cetification #SC 97911BS. Entry fee $25 prior to race day, $30 race day. Register at www.strictlyrunning. com.

YOUTH SAIL CAMPS: For ages 7 to 18, sponsored by Columbia Sailing Club, June 8-12 and June 15-19. Boats are provided. Includes sailing instruction for beginners and intermedi-

encouraged, call 803-7858400 Monday-Friday 8am-5pm.

ates. Visit www.columbiasailingclub.org to download application or call Maria DeHart, 803-7309310. Camps fill quickly so hurry.

Club is at 292 Shuler Rd., Columbia.

meetings PINE RIDGE WOMEN’S CLUB: Meets 3rd Thursday each month September through May at Pine Ridge Town Hall. Info: Hazel Kanipe, 803-755-9995.

CAREGIVER RELIEF: Babcock Center is launching WOW! Seniors Program, made possible through a grant from the United Way of the Midlands, to provide caregiver relief opportunities on the weekends for those caring for people with intellectual disabilities, autism and related disabilities age 55 and older within their home. Program runs 8 a.m.–4 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays at sites located in Richland and Lexington counties. Free to individuals who are not currently receiving supports through the Department of Disabilities and Special Needs. Information, call Marcus Smith, 799-1970.

FOOD & FUN The 34th Annual South Carolina Peanut Party is accepting applications from new food vendors, homemade crafters, and exciting entertainment groups for consideration this year. Our event is August 7 & 8, 2015.

Anyone interested in applying for this year’s festival should contact Susan Enlow at 803.606.9522 or senlow1@ gmail.com.

Lessons/seminars BUILD A RAIN BARREL: Collect rain water to use in your garden or elsewhere and reduce stormwater runoff. Workshop sponsored by Lexington Countywide Stormwater Consortium is May 22, 9 a.m. to noon, at Public Works Building, 440 Ball Park Road, Lexington. Reducing stormwater runoff helps you save water, save money, and reduces stormwater pollution. Fee $25 to take home your own barrel. To register, call Tina Blum, (803) 359-3165 ext. 3 or tina. blum@nacdnet.net.

SQ. DANCE/LINE DANCE LESSONS: Sundays, 2-4 p.m., Hugh Dimmery Memorial Center, 680 Cherokee Ln., West Columbia. $5 per class.

Sponsored by The Columbia Twirlers, 803-7720546 or http://www.scsquaredance.com/ or http://www.thebarnsc. com/ HELP FOR COUNTY VETERANS: Veterans’ Affairs Officer Ed Lundeen meets Veterans, surviving spouses, dependents and beneficiaries at area Gaston Library first Thursday each month – 10 a.m.-12 p.m.; Chapin Library, first Friday of each month – 9 a.m.-11 a.m.; and BatesburgLeesville Library, second Friday of each month – 10 a.m.-noon. The office provides education, advice and assistance in filing VA claims and information regarding VA programs. Appointments

Thoughtful Services at a Thoughtful Price Direct Cremation $995

museums EDVENTURE CHILDREN’S MUSEUM: A learning experience especially for children 12 and under, MondaySaturday 9 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sun-

days noon to 5 p.m. 211 Gervais Street, Columbia, Children and Adults: $11.50; Seniors (62+): $10.50; Military (with ID): $10.50; Members: Free; Children under one: Free. Info: 803 779 3100 LEXINGTON COUNTY MUSEUM: Collection of antebellum buildings and artifacts. Tues.-Sat 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Sunday 1-4 p.m. Closed Mondays and holidays. 231 Fox Street at U.S. 378 (Columbia Ave.) Adults $5, children $2. Info: 3598369.

SC ARCHIVES & HISTORY CENTER: Open MonFri, 8:45 a.m. - 4:45 p.m., at 8301 Parklane Road, Columbia.

COLUMBIA MUSEUM OF ART: Corner Main and Hampton, Columbia. Tu. Fri. 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Saturday 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Sun. 12 p.m.-5 p.m.

Closed Mondays. Adults $10, Students $5. Every Sunday is free. Info 7992810. Free admission to all active duty military personnel and their families.

S.C. STATE MUSEUM: 301 Gervais St., 898-

4921. Adults $7, seniors $6, children 3-12 $5, under 3 free, Military discount.

music THE MARTINS IN CONCERT: May 15, 7 p.m., First Baptist Church of Lexington, 415 Barr Rd., Lexington. Internationally acclaimed trio has performed at The Grand Ole Opry, The White House and many other venues.

Winner of six Dove Awards from the Gospel Music Assn. and a Grammy nomination. Info: www.fblex.org or www. martinsonline.com.

GOSPEL CONCERT: ​The Ken Clubb singers ​and Eastern Sky from Travelers Rest will be in concert May 9​, 7 p.m., at Yellow Rock Hall​, 2211 Plat Springs Rd., West Columbia. A donation will be​ ​accepted.

Reunions AIRPORT HS CLASS OF ‘64 AND “65: Reunion is May 16 at American Legion Hut on American Legion Drive in Lex-

TRIP TO WASHINGTON, DC: Travel with other seniors June 5-8 for $399 per person, double occupancy. Price includes transportation, lodging, most breakfast and dinners, and guided tours. Reservations by March 30 with $75 deposit. Call Lexington County Aging Commission, 356-5111, or visit your local Senior Center.

theater ANNIE GET YOUR GUN: Irving Berlin masterpiece runs May 8-17 at Village Square Theatre in Lexington. Show times are Fridays at 7:30 pm, Saturdays at 3:00pm and 7:30pm, and Sunday May 17 at 3 p.m.

Adults $19, seniors and students $17, and children under 12 $12. Call (803) 359-1436 or visit www.villagesquaretheatre. com.

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