Lake Murray Fish Wrapper 6-4-15

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, June 4, 2015 | 1

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"Official Newspaper of the Lexington County Blowwsh Baseball Team"

You supply the fish, we supply the wrapper.

Steal this paper — please!

INSIDE THIS WEEK

What you’re missing in the Lexington County Chronicle & The Dispatch-News:

WELCOME, BLOWFISH!

Local church cancels Duggars visit Sen. Lindsey Graham announces Presidential bid AG Wilson applauds immigration ruling State House passes domestic violence reform Will chickens come home to roost in West Columbia?

Subscribe for our print and online editions! Only

$45 a year!

Call 359-7633

Photo by mark bellune - chronicle

Oliver Catone, 2, of Lexington, touches Blowie the mascot for the Lexington County Blowfish last week at the Blowfish’s first home game here.

His father, Jason Catone, seen holding Oliver, said it was his son’s first encounter with a mascot.

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The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

ANSWER

Fish Wrapper Fun Corner

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The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Mrs. Fixit to the rescue

Ashley Steele 359-7633

Tech talk

Thursday, June 4, 2015 | 3

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One of my favorite things about computers is how versatile they are.

Not only do you have a digital device for everything you want but what if something on it breaks? Is it easy to fix?

Let’s say your keyboard is broken. Did you throw it against the wall in a fit of

rage? You can’t get to the store. What do you do?

Easy, your computer has a virtual keyboard installed just in case you need it.

With Windows 8, just do a quick search for “keyboard.” Windows 7 and earlier, click on the “windows” key and search for keyboard. It is a pain to use but will work in a

pinch.

What if your mouse goes out? Some quick keyboard shortcuts can cut back mouse use.

Ctrl+A is a quick shortcut to select all on the page.

Ctrl+C will copy what you have selected.

Ctrl+V will paste what you’ve copied.

FISHING REPORT Lake Murray:

Catfish: Fair to good. Captain Chris Simpson reports that he catfish bite has picked up a little, with some days fair and some pretty good. Most fish can be caught by anchoring on humps, points and in the backs of coves and fishing water ranging from 5-20 feet. Herring, shrimp and stinkbait are all working equally well.

Crappie: Fair to good. Captain Brad Taylor reports that crappie are solidly in post-spawn mode, and his boat has been targeting deep docks and brush in a typical May pattern. The best brush has been in about 20 feet of water, and the best docks have been in 15-20 feet of water.

Brush at the right depth in both the main lake and the creeks has been productive, while the best docks have been in the main lake mainly due to depth. Jigs tipped with minnows have been most productive.

Largemouth bass: Fair. Captain Doug Lown reports that bass fishing on Lake Murray has been somewhat hitor-miss. The big tournament sacks earlier in the spring have been replaced by 16-18 pound bags at the top, and while for some people it has been possible to get a lot of bites other anglers have struggled – and the same anglers have struggled one day and found them the next. Erratic weather patterns this spring have made for an unpredictable bite, scattered out the fish and extended the spawn.

Overall, most fish have probably spawned but a surprising number of fish being caught still have eggs. And while the herring spawn is winding down in the creeks, out on the main lake herring are still up and bass are still feeding on them. There is also a decent shad spawn up the lake early

Ctrl+P will bring up a print screen.

There are so many shortcuts. Visit the Chronicle website page and I’ll make sure to post a longer list there. Print it and keep it for a rainy day.

Mac people have the same abilities. For keyboard shortcuts just substitute Command for Ctrl.

How about your phone?

Need to charge it superfas? Just put it on Airplane mode.

On almost all operating systems you can take a picture using the volume up/ down keys to help with the shaky hands syndrome.

When typing a message on an iphone, shake it to erase the entire message.

For more phone tips, head over to our Chronicle website’s tech page and take a look at the links I’ve provided. www.lexingtonchronicle.com/techtalk

Lunch Hours: Thurs & Sunday 11am-2pm Friday & Saturday 11am-3pm Dinner Fri+Sat 4pm-8pm

in the morning. Bass can be caught a number of different ways, including on topwaters, flukes, flipping docks, and on soft plastics fished on the bottom off deeper points, but anglers need to be flexible from day to day. And to locate the largest numbers of fish they need to follow the bait.

Breakfast Buffet: Saturday 7 a.m. - 10 a.m.

Clutter & Depr

Stacy Hendrix Pharmacist

ession In a new UCLA study, the data suggests tha t clutter can make one feel dep ressed. It has a profou nd effect on mood and sel f-esteem, but more so in women than men.

Researchers found a link between household clu tter and higher levels of the stress hormone cor tisol; the more stuff, the more stress women felt. Tips to de-clutte r: Take 5 minutes each hour to put away five things.

Adopt a ‘shiny sink’ policy; clear dishes from sin k and counter nightly. Utilize out-of-the-way storag e spaces such as under stairs. Have a design ated spot for things. Fill a box with items you don ’t think you use. Seal the box , and put it in a closet . If you haven’t opened it in a year, donate it.

Catering is available...

Call Today!

359-2587

1207 W. Main St. Lexington Mon-Fri 8:30-6 Sat 8:30-2

SINCE 1924

Serving the community for good health prescriptions • medical equipment • compounding

408 Ervin Price Rd. Gilbert, S.C. 803-892-2502 803-351-2851

These houses of worship invite you to attend this week.

LEXINGTON 308 East Main Street, Lexington www.lexingtonbaptist.org Sundays

9:00 & 10:30 am - Blended Services Wednesday Evening Activities for all ages Senior Pastor Mike Turner

United Methodist Church

Traditional Service 8:30am, 11:00am & Tuesdays at 6:30 pm Contemporary Service 11:00am on Sunday Pastor - Ken Owens 309 East Main Street • Lexington 359-6838 • www.lexumcsc.com

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Worship - 10:30am Sunday School - 9:30am Communion Every Sunday stdavid@alltel.net

www.fblex.org Sunday: 9am Blended Service 10:30am Contemporary Service Wed: 5pm Dinner 6:30pm Service

Great advertising rates!

Wednesday Bible Study 7:00 p.m.

HOLY TRINITY EVANGELICAL LUTHERAN CHURCH

Let newcomers know about your church and fellowship. Advertise for just a few dollars a week right here.

Call 359-7633.

2920 Pella Ave. – West Columbia, SC 29170 • • •

We still believe and teach: Jesus Christ is the only Savior of mankind; baptizing and teaching “all things whatsoever” His Word teaches. (Mt. 28)

Come grow with us in the knowledge of your Savior and His peace.

SS. & Bible Class: 10a.m. • Sunday worship: 11a.m.

Pastor Vance Fossum • 803-796-0005 • www.LexingtonLutheran.org

Call us!

359-7633

Classified

4 | Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

LEXINGTON COUNTY

10,000 readers

Chronicle and The Dispatch-News—since 1870

16,000 readers

Classifieds on the internet at www.lexingtonchronicle.com

www.lexingtonchronicle.com

8:30 a.m. - 5 p.m.

FOR SALE

201 Card of Thanks 202 In Memoriam 203 Misc. Announcements 204 Cemeteries 205 Lost & Found 206 Travel/Cruise 207 Business Notices 208 Instruction/Training

SERVICES

301 Misc. Services 302 Building/Contracting 303 Heating/AC

101

Auctions

Abandoned Vehicle The below listed vehicles have been abandoned in Lexington County and are currently housed with the company listed below.

Pursuant to applicable South Carolina law, the owner and or lien holder has the right to claim the motor vehicle within thirty (30) days after the date of this notice upon payment of all towing, preservation, and storage charges resulting from placing the vehicle in custody. The failure of the owner and or lien holder to exercise their right to reclaim the vehicle with the time provided it is deemed as a waiver by the owner and or the lien holder of all rights,title,interest,in the vehicle and consent to the sale of the vehicle at public auction. If not reclaimed within the time period outlined above the vehicle may be disposed of according to state law.

Any owner, lien holder, or other interested party should contact: Columbia Auto Parts & Recovery 700 Main Street, W. Columbia, SC 29169 803-755-2166 2005 Ford Crown Vi c V I N : 2 FA F P 71W55X156986 1 9 9 8 To y o t a Av a lon VIN: 4T1BF18B9WU260266 2006 Ford Explorer VIN: 1FMEU63EX-

FARM/PETS

Notice Notice is hereby given that on June 19, 2015 at 10:00 AM, a public sale will be held for the purpose of satisfying a landlord lien against the following: A-1 Miles - misc. boxes, bags G-25, B-35 Patricelli couch, table, bed, dresser, misc.

At: Airport Self Storage 4025 Edmund Rd. West Columbia, SC 29170 (803)755-1313 Sealed bids will be taken and rooms sold to highest bid over minimum.

Winning bidders will be announced immediately following sale. Payments in cash only. Rooms to be emptied within 24 hours.

Rooms subject to be deleted from sale. Owner reserves right to reject any or all bids.

6-11

Public Notice SmartStop Self Storage located at 120 Northpoint Dr. Lexington, SC 29072 (803-808-6070) intends to satisfy its selfstorage lien arising from non-payment of Rent for

Storage 200 Industrial Drive Lexington, SC 29072 803-359-5883 Unit 41- Brown - Bed, misc. household items, furniture Unit 53 - Sealy - Clothes, books Unit 131 - Hutto/Holman - shoes, tv, misc. household items Unit 157 - Willard clothes, movies 6-11

Notice

2014 24 Foot Kaufman Car Trailer with hidden ramps, spaire tire, tool box and wheelchocks.

803-520-4580 or 803-201-9713 New 26” female bike, 7 speed made by Specialized, Inc 803-520-4580 or 803-201-9713

102

garage/yard sales

Yard Sale @ Daybreak Pregnancy Center. Saturday, June 6. 9:00 – 1:00. Lots of baby items and maternity clothes 601 Northwood Road, Lexington No early birds please!

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107

misc for sale

Deadlines:

an exception. Call for details.

900 Legals 901 Master In Equity Foreclosures Rates: $20 a week for 1 week $18 a week for 2 weeks $16 a week for 3 weeks $14 a week for 4 weeks

By Mail: Enclose payment with ad copy and mail to Lexington County Chronicle, PO Box 9, Lexington SC 29071

By Phone: Call 803-359-7633 to charge to your VISA or MC account.

All classified advertising is prepaid.

AUCTION

DRIVE THE BEST. DRIVE MAVERICK.

Mini Warehouses of Batesburg-Leesville holding auction of past due property on Sat. June 13th.

Registration begins at 8:30, auction starts at 10:00. Cash payments only. Contents to be removed by June 27 or contents will be disposed of. Location is 340 Lindsay St., Leesville, SC 29070 -corner of S. Lee St. and Lindsay. 803-532-5326 Each unit contains personal property.

9- Lites 67 -Johnson 11-Washington 78-Smith 13- Harmon 79- Cyrus 23 -Taylor 97 -Whittle 33 -Taylor 109- Parks 36 - Robinson 119- Foulks 43 -Sims 120- Kyzer 46- Rauton 121- Miller 57 -Cyrus 122- Morris 62- Dennis 124- Morris 65 -Cash 126- Coffman 6-4

6-4

Huge moving, downsizing sale.

Linens, many kitchen itmes, bath, bed items.

RV Access., Christmas, tools, computer access., electronics, yard tools. Sat., June 6.

209 Alice Drive., Chapin 8am - 12:00.

Special Rates for Special People!

Legals: 5 p.m. Friday for following Thursday publication.

Line Classifieds: Noon Monday for Thursday publication. Holidays are

855 Statewide Classifieds PUBLIC NOTICES

701 Home Rentals 702 Apt Rentals 703 Vacation Rentals 704 Manufactured Homes 705 Commercial 706 Homes for Sale 707 Apt. for Sale 708 Mobile Home Lots 709 Lots & Acreage 710 Commercial for Sale 711 Wanted to Buy 712 Misc. Rentals

the following Occupant’s of the Facility. If no description is indicated the contents are general household goods and furnishings.

James Thompson, last known address 345 Whiteford Way Lexington, SC 29072 Unit #461, Description of Property: Kitchen table, chairs, couch, cabinet, dresser, etc.

Shellie Gunter, 123 Brevard PKWY B302 Lexington, SC 29073 Unit #565, Table, cradle, computer, easel, toy box, sewing machine, etc.

Marvine Cook, 601 Hendrix St. Lexington, SC 29072 Unit #718, Corner curio cabinets, china hutch, TV, printer, Gardening tools, etc.

Nathan Randall, 104 Chateau Dr. Lexington, SC 29073 Unit #247, Headboard, dresser, bookcase, table, XL tool box, etc.

Kenneth Lanigan, 2847 Devine St. Columbia, SC 29205 Unit #324, Play house, 2 bikes, wagon, running stroller, etc.

The items will be sold on June 25, 2015 at 12:00 p.m. o’clock at www.storagetreasures. com. The winner of the sale is subject to the terms and conditions of the website, preregistration to bid is required.

6-11

Notice is hereby given that on June 26, 2015 at 10:00 AM, a public sale will be held for the purpose of satisfying a landlord lien against the following: AT: Q’s Quik Mini

851 Automobiles 852 Trucks 853 Motorcycles 854 Commercial

REAL ESTATE

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20 words or less for $20 25¢ for each additional word Ads appear in the Lexington County Chronicle, Lake Murray Fish Wrapper and on www.LexingtonChronicle.com.

TRANSPORTATION

601 Business Opportunities 602 Business Loans 603 Personal Loans 604 Investments/Stocks

CHILD/ELDER CARE

6UA98715 1998 Honda Accord VIN: 1HGCG1651WA054980 2003 Saturn Ion VIN: 1G8AJ52F93Z107509 1996 Toyota Avalon VIN: 4T1BF2B2TU116966 2002 Nissan Sentra VIN: 3N1CB51D12L644234 1 9 9 7 P o n tiac Grand Prix VIN: 1G2WJ52K2VF236550 6-4

801 Boats 802 Campers/RVs

FINANCIAL

401 Help Wanted - Misc.

402 Help Wanted - Drivers 403 Help Wanted - Labor 404 Help Wanted - Skilled 405 Help Wanted - Sales 406 Help Wanted - Office 407 Help Wanted - Management 408 Help Wanted - Medical 409 Help Wanted - Professional 450 Employment Wanted 501 Child Care 502 Elder Care

BOATS/CAMPERS

551 Dogs/Cats/Pets 552 Livestock 553 Farm Products

EMPLOYMENT

ANNOUNCEMENTS

FOR SALE

(803) 359-7633 Monday - Friday

304 Income Tax Service 305 Insurance 306 Landscaping 308 Pest Control 309 Plumbing 310 Painting 311 Healthcare 312 Clerical

101 Auctions 102 Garage/Yard Sales 103 Furniture 104 Appliances/TV 105 Computers 106 Spa/Pool 107 Misc. for Sale 108 Wanted to Buy

Thursday, June 4, 2015

employment 402

help wanted drivers

D r i v e r s ( CDL - A Truck). Home Daily!

Paid Weekly Health/ Den/ Vision Ins. 401K. Stable Ops 49 Years Strong Bill or Albert: 1-855-995-7188 6-11

403

help wanted labor

PART-TIME MAINTENANCE STAFF Irmo Chapin Recreation Commission is hiring part-time main-

tenance staff at Saluda Shoals, Seven Oaks and Crooked Creek Parks. Responsibilities include: general upkeep of the park facilities using light equipment for day to day grounds and building maintenance; may include some carpentry repair, ball field maintenance, equipment maintenance and park custodial duties.

Successful candidate must be reliable and must possess a valid SC driver’s license.

Salary Range: $7.35 $11.00 per hour. Please apply online at www. icrc.net/employmentapplication. Resumes or applications can be mailed to Eve Mittendorf, 5605 Bush River Road, Columbia, SC 29212.

6-4

405

help wanted sales

Sales job of your DRE A M S Frustrated with cold calling?

Tired of prospects telling you that advertising doesn’t work?

We can teach you the inside secrets of selling by referral and direct response advertising that generates sales.

If you love sales and have a minimum two years sales experience, please contact Linda Sauls at lindasauls11@ yahoo.com UFN

Ambitious but frustrated? Need money for rent, mort-

Business Directory Lexington County Chronicle AND The Dispatch-News—SINCE 1870

DEDICATED FLATBED RUN NOW OPEN – HOME DAILY!!!

Must live within a 35-50 mile radius of Orangeburg, SC $.39 - $.40/mile starting pay $55k W2/yearly avg Load pay $15 (avg 10 plus loads per week) $15 Tarp pay Home Every Night & Weekends Excellent benefits & top of the line equipment Class A CDL, 21 yrs old & 6 months of OTR/Driving Experience Req 1-844-371-8500 or visit www.drivemaverick.com

gage, school, clothes, kids, car, spendthrift spouse or retirement one day? Email Jerry Bellune@yahoo.com

tery Instant Games: (SC703) Carolina Limited; (SC720) Hefty Hundreds

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Back Pain? Shoulder Pain? Get a pain-relieving brace -little or NO cost to you. Medicare Patients Call Health Hotline Now! 1- 800815-6016

709

lots & acreage

waterfront lot o n l a k e Murray/ 8/10acre w/150+ feet on lake approved for private dock. $120,000.

Call 803-732-2411.

2015

statewide classifieds ANNOUNCEMENTS Tuesday, June 9, 2015 is the last day to redeem winning tickets in the following South Carolina Education Lot-

6-4

6-4

AUCTIONS Absolute Auction - 19.5 +/- Acres & 0.56 +/- Acre Lot, Darlington & Florence, SC - Saturday, June 13, 11 AM -Damon Shortt Auction Group 877-669-4005 SCAL2346 damonshorttproperties.com 6-4

ADVERTISE YOUR AUCTION in 107 S.C. newspapers for only $375. Your 25-word classified ad will reach

Holly

more than 2.6 million readers. Call Alanna Ritchie at the S.C. Newspaper Network, 1-888727-7377.

6-4

FINANCIAL SERVICES Sell your structured settlement or annuity payments for CASH NOW. You don’t have to wait for your future payments any longer! Call 1-800446-9734 6-4

HELP WANTED TRUCK DRIVER - Capital Concrete Co. is hiring experienced ready mix drivers. Will consider training experienced CDL drivers. Excellent company benefits, sign-on bonus. Call 803-808-0825 or FAX 803-808-0984. Email swest@

Linda

To place your ad, call Linda or Holly at 803-359-7633.

FOR FIRST-CLASS PROFESSIONAL SERVICES AND PRODUCTS

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Because her business is growing twice as fast as her competitor’s. She markets through the Chronicle.

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, June 4, 2015 | 5

RONT orch P F ROCKIN’ ON THE

Coach inspires student to overcome injury, donate to foundation This story is the second part of a series about longtime Mullins High School basketball Coack Mark Gerald, whose personality and wisdom inspired all who knew him.

By Rob Cottingham cottinghamrob@yahoo.com

Legends never die Though the disease took his life, Mark Gerald's indomitable spirit had long conquered the illness, as he never let it darken the light he shined on the players he coached through 30 seasons.

Inspired by Gerald, John Paul Sellars began Make Your Mark: The Coach Gerald Leadership and Achievement Foundation.

"In this organization, we teach leadership to boys and girls through the game of basketball, using the sport to reach them," the Red Bank Elementary coach said.

The group, comprised of 4thand 5th-grade boys and girls, meets on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for life lessons and athletics. As time passes, Sellars hopes to expand the scope of Make Your Mark.

"We're currently raising money for college scholarships for those who participate in the program," he said.

The program is still in its infancy, however, having just begun this year. Next year, Sellars said, the program will expand to Mullins, where Coach Gerald spent so many years as a guiding light for the youth.

And that's just the beginning, Sellars said.

"Eventually, we want to open facilities in both communities, like wellness centers," he said. "It'll give them opportunities for health screenings — as well as parenting

‘He was one of the most incredible men ever to walk this earth.’

John Paul Sellars

classes — to go along with children's programs."

Make Your Mark is undoubtedly a creation inspired by Gerald's spirit and the wisdom he passed on to those he mentored.

"He was one of the most incredible men ever to walk this earth," Sellars said. "He impacted a community, not just where he lived, but everywhere he ever went. I'm thankful our paths crossed and he chose me to be a part of his team. It has forever changed my life."

Gerald's willpower was contagious, as student Connor Sheridan would come to realize.

Rob Cottingham | Chronicle

Connor Sheridan, left, stands next to Coach John Paul Sellars recently at Red Bank Elementary School as he presents his check to the Make Your Mark: The Coach Gerald Leadership and Achievement Foundation. Both were heavily influenced by Coach Mark Gerald, for whom the foundation is named.

the foundation."

For his injuries, Connor reThe legacy continues ceived a check from his insurance company. As soon as it cleared, In March 2014, Connor was in the young man wrote a $100 a traffic accident that rendered check to the Make Your Mark him completely blind in one eye. foundation's scholarship program.

"When I was at the hospital, I The amount may seem small, felt like I couldn't come back from but the gesture and spirit behind it," Connor said, "but then I it is massive, and Connor's heart is thought about Coach Gerald and in the right place. He currently how he was fighting for his life and serves on the Student Advisory not something as little as one eye." Board for Make Your Mark.

With Coach Gerald's outlook in "I just hope we'll be able to help mind, Connor said he knew the as many kids as we can become person he wanted to be. better people and have a better "He was still very happy, so I opportunity," he said, Gerald's indecided to change my own out- fluence echoing through his look and become a part of words. "Every kid is important, what he started," he said. "I de- and if it's only one kid that I can cided to make a contribution to help, that's fine."

Golf Tournament on June 20

The Inaugural Coach Mark Gerald Memorial Golf Tournament will be held at Pineland Country Club in Nichols, S.C., on June 20, 2015. They will have two shotgun starts, one at 9:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.

Those who wish to participate can preregister at www.makeyourmarkfound.org.

The pre-registration entry fee is $50 per player.

There are two main ways to pay: 1) For your convenience, you can add an extra $1.40 per player to the registration fee and call Make Your Mark Treasurer, Meri Goff, at (803) 821-4602 to pay over the phone via credit or debit card; or 2) You can also add $1.40 per golfer to the registration fee and pay using PayPal via www.makeyourmark-

found.org. If you wait and register at the table on the day of the tournament, it will cost $60.

All proceeds collected will help the foundation raise money to give college scholarships to students at White Knoll High School in Lexington and Mullins High School in Mullins, S.C., in the 2015-16 school year. If you have questions, please feel free to contact John Paul Sellars, founder and CEO of Make Your Mark, at jpsellars@ makeyourmarkfound.org or (803) 3748983; or Chad Hinson, Golf Classic Chair at chinson@makeyourmarkfound.org or (864) 554-4557).

They look forward to seeing you in June, as they continue #Running together.

Need some old newspapers for your painting project?

Call us.

359-7633

6 | Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

It’s a Dog’s Life

By Scoop Bellune

What Time is It? On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower on one particular base received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference: If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o’clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

Breaking Habits Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails.

That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented.

“But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth!”

Quick Dentist On vacation, a woman and her husband had to make an emergency visit to a dentist.

“I want a tooth pulled,”

Say

the woman demanded.

“And don’t bother with the Novocain either, because we’re really in a hurry. Just take out the tooth and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was impressed. “You’re certainly a very brave woman! Which tooth is it?”

The woman pushed her husband forward. “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Parenting Try I don’t think I’ll ever have a mother’s intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-monthold nephew.

I said, “What do I do if he cries?”

She said “Give him some vegetables.”

It turns out that jalapeño is not his favorite...

Effective Treatment A man went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll think about it,” said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man again on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! My friend cured me

for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money went and bought me a new pickup!”

“Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There’s nobody under there now!”

Smart Photographer A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyer’s convention.

When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, “Okay everyone, say ‘FEES’!”

Cat Game Q. Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

A. Catch.

Duck Work A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. In amazement, the bartender exclames, “HEY. you can talk!”

“Yes, I do. So what?” asks the duck as he flies up to the stool.

The bartender asks what else the duck does.

“I work across the street doing construction on the new building going up, and I’d like to come here during lunch to have a beer once in a while.”

The bartender says that it would be fine with him, so the duck comes in day after day during lunch for a brew.

Then one day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the same bar, but he’s there earlier than the duck’s usu-

to FREE Checking!

al time.

The bartender finds out this guy is the ringmaster of a big circus and says: “Hey, you ought to check out this talking duck that comes in for a beer everyday around lunchtime!”

“Really?” Asks the Ringmaster. “I could sure use one of those. Tell the duck that if he wants to make a lot more money than he makes now, to come by and see me.” Then, after drinking his beer, the ringmaster leaves the bar and heads back to work.

So the duck comes in to the bar that day at lunch, and the bartender jumps up and tells the duck the good news.

“Hey, the circus is in town and their ringmaster wants you to be part of their circus for MORE BUCKS than you’re getting now!!”

The duck says, “Wow, that’s great! But is it that big event down at the fairgrounds with the high-top deal?”

Bartender says “Yeah, so what?”

The duck cocks his head and inquires further, “It’s that event with the CANVAS tent, right?

Bartender asks, “Yeah, so?”

“Well, what the heck does he want with a drywall worker?”

Top 10 Signs You’ve Been In The Corporate World Too Long 10. You decide to re-organize your family into a “team-based organization.”

9. You refer to dating as test marketing.

8. You can spell “paradigm.”

7. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

5. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.

4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

3. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “im-

provement opportunities.”

2. You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering,” “down-sizing,” “right-sizing,” and “firing people.”

And the number 1 sign you’ve been in the corporate world too long...

1. You use the term “value-added” without laughing.

Jesus Is Watching A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed.

“Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”

“Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,” the bird answered.

Bovine Compensation A motorist driving by a ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

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“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Ring Bell Passing an office building late one night, a young boy saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”

He did so, and after several minutes he heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The old, uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the kid, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself...?”

Proper Payment An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: “But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered.”

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: “Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family.”

“What is your fee?” the woman inquired.

“Two hundred dollars,” was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the now dismayed physician, then took her departure.

Price Check I was checking out at the local grocery store with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed together.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, he picked up the “Divider” looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, he said to me “Do you know how much this is?”

I said to him, “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”

He said “OK” and I paid him for the things and left.

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Thursday, June 4, 2015 | 7

COUCH THEATER -- DVD PREVIEWS

By Sam Struckhoff EDITOR’S NOTE: DVDs reviewed in this column are available in stores the week of June 15, 2015.

PICKS OF THE WEEK “Chappie” (R) -- In a grungy vision of the near future, cities deploy experimental drone police. Unlike Robocop (who is a cyborg, not a robot), these police-droids lack the judgment and feelings of a squishy human brain. That is, until an intrepid young engineer (Dev Patel) finds a way to program true artificial intelligence into one

“Chappie”

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of the metalheads. The breakthrough machine is captured by psycho hooligans (South African rap group Die Antwoord), who teach it to act like a gangster and assist in their crimes. The big-bad technosecurity companies also are after this Johnny Five-O. Neill Blomkamp returns to his home turf of Johannesburg, the backdrop of his breakout hit, “District 9.” Unlike the last time, however, this movie feels like an assemblage of hacky sci-fi ideas, instead of a bold statement from a singular writer/director. Even those ideas get drowned out in all of the noise.

“Run All Night” (R) -- Liam Neeson plays Jimmy Conlon, a former hitman who now only hits the sauce. Jimmy’s estranged son, Mike (Joel Kinnaman), witnesses some criminal activity and gets a target put on him and his father. Jimmy’s former boss (Ed Harris), the detective who used to be on his case (Vincent D’Onofrio) and an ice-cold killer (Common) all converge on the father-son duo as they try to make it

through New York alive.

The Liam Neeson Pain Train has not yet run out of track -- he’s still plowing through thugs and goons with the power of a Charles Bronson-fueled locomotive.

Ed Harris rules the shadows whenever he plays the bad fella. Compared to other Liam Neeson rampages, this one ranks just beneath “Taken.” It certainly packs a punch, but the pacing can dull some of the blows.

“Old Fashioned” (PG-13) -- Clay (Rik Swartzwelder, also the film’s writer and director) runs an antique shop in a Midwestern college town where a spontaneous young woman stops her car. Clay was once a lusty lad in a fraternity, but is now a 30-something who dresses like a sullen teenager and espouses the virtues of chivalry and chastity. Oh, how charming, you may think at this point. However you feel about dating, Clay is a blowhard. He pontificates about lust in the most un-cute, self-righteous way. As you watch, you hope dearly that the romantic lead (Elizabeth Ann Roberts) realizes what’s go-

ing on and gets back in her car. Faith-based audiences deserve a little better.

“Welcome to Me” (R) -When Kristen Wiig stars as an off-kilter lotto winner who buys her own Oprahinspired TV show, you might expect a wacky adventure with some grossout humor. This is much more serious ... and funny, and weird. Wiig plays Alice Klieg, a woman with borderline personality disorder -- she has no filter, bizarre habits, dangerous ideas and apparently zero self-awareness, but it’s not mental illness played for laughs.

When she wins the lottery, Alice quits her meds, buys a TV show and creates something altogether strange and moving.

TV RELEASES “The Newsroom: Season 3” “Two and a Half Men: Season 12” “Odd Couple: The Complete Series” “The Cosby Show -- Seasons 7 & 8” “Lovejoy: The Complete Collection”

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8 | Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Lake Murray Fish Wrapper | www.lexingtonchronicle.com

Your weekly guide to area events

events HISTORIC CEMETERY TOURS: Historic Columbia is offering two Elmwood Cemetery tours. Secrets From The Grave will be offered the 2nd Thursday of each month at 7:30 p.m.

Moonlight Cemetery Tours are offered the 2nd Thursday of each month through September at 8 and 8:30 p.m. Bring a flashlight. Tickets for adults $12, youth $6; member tickets $8 and $4. Purchase tickets at historiccolumbia.org or email reservations@historiccolumbia.com or cal 803-252-1770, ext. 23.

Tours last about an hour.

SUMMER READING PROGRAM: June 3, 3-6 p.m. for all ages at Lexington Main Library, 5440 Augusta Road. Register, then enjoy Crafts and Games, Rock Climbing Wall, Bounce House, Giant Slide. Sponsored by Friends of the Lexington Main Library.

BLOOD DRIVE: June 5, 11 a.m.-4 p.m., Grow Financial Federal Credit Union, 805 Hwy. 378 W., Lexington (in the Publix shopping center). Donors will receive a Lexington County Blowfish t-shirt and have a chance to win Blowfish tickets.

Sign up to donate in advance if you like by emailing angela. kosterman@growfinancial.org, call 803-705-3121 ext. 6200, or visit www.redcross.org.

YARD/BAKE SALE: June 6, 7 a.m. until… at 330 W. Church Street, Batesburg (former Fred’s location). Sponsored by Ridge Protection Coalition.

The South Carolina Chapter of the Veterans of the Battle of the Bulge: will hold its quarterly meeting at 12:30 p.m. Saturday, June 6 at the NCO Club, 5700 Lee Road, Fort Jackson SC. Lunch is $10.00, cash only please. The meeting is open to veterans, friends and family and others who are interested. The program will present a documentary video that was produced for the 70th anniversary of the end of WWII

by Barbara Mooneyhan and Everett Davis. This was just premiered in Pilsen, Czech Republic as a part of the official program in the only city in Europe that has a monument thanking the allies for their freedom.

97th ANNIVERSARY: St.

Paul Missionary Baptist Church, 606 West Main Street, Lexington, invites you to its 97th anniversary June 7, 2:30 p.m. The St. Paul Jubilee Choir will celebrate through praises and song. Rev. Dr. Walter Butler, Pastor; Min. Nelson Walls, Assistant Pastor; Sister Rosalind Brown, President; Marsden Johnson, Minister of Music.

DISPELLING THE MYTHS OF DIABETES: June 8. 6-7pm. Irmo Branch Library 6651 St. Andrews Road Columbia, SC 29212.

YOUTH SAIL CAMPS: For ages 7 to 18, sponsored by Columbia Sailing Club, June 8-12 and June 15-19. Boats are provided. Includes sailing instruction for beginners and intermediates.

Visit www.columbiasailingclub. org to download application or call Maria DeHart, 803-7309310. Camps fill quickly so hurry.

Club is at 292 Shuler Rd., Columbia.

MUSIC CAMP: For ages 3-12, June 8-12, 9:30 a.m.-noon at Life Springs Worship Center, 5630 Platt Springs Rd., Lexington (across from White KNoll High). Everyone is invited. Info: www.lswc.com or call 803-9572221.

AUTHOR TALK: June 18, 6:30 p.m., Lexington Main Library, 5440 Augusta Rd., bestselling novelist Ron Rash (The Cove, Serena and Something Rich and Strange will read from one of his novels. Question and answer session to follow.

BOOK SALE: June 20, Lexington Main Library, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Members of Friends of the Library meet 9-10 a.m. for coffee and doughnuts. Cash, credit card and checks accepted. Drop donation of books, magazines, DVDs and audio books at the Lexington Main Library. www. lmlfriends.org.

p.m. or Friday 9 a,m.– noon.

FOOD & FUN SILVER IN THE GARDEN: ​ June 14, 15 at the SC State Museum in Columbia, The Charleston Silver Lady, Dawn Corley, will host two garden-themed silver classes. She will use pieces from her own collection to discuss the history of silver, silver production and how to identify silver and its value. Guests may bring one silver piece for Corley to examine. Includes flower arranging techniques and a discussion of porcelain. Refreshments and special punch will be served. For tickets and info, visit www,scmuseum.org.

LAKE MURRAY FIREWORKS: Find your spot to watch the 4th of July celebration,beginning at approximately 9:15 p.m. on Lake Murray. South Carolina’s largest fireworks display will be set off from Spence Island and Dreher Island State Park, choreographed to a patriotic concert that will air simultaneously on B106.7. The best places to view the fireworks are Dreher Island State Park and both parks at the Lake Murray dam. Bring a chair or blanket, picnics are welcomedNo alcohol permitted. Admission to Dreher Island State Park is $2 for adults, $1.25 SC Seniors, free for children 15 years and younger (Gates close at 8 p.m.).

Lake Murray Dam parks open until they reach capacity- $3 per car. The walking path on the dam will also be open.

The 34th Annual South Carolina Peanut Party is accepting applications from new food vendors, homemade crafters, and exciting entertainment groups for consideration this year. Our event is August 7 & 8, 2015.

Anyone interested in applying for this year’s festival should contact Susan Enlow at 803.606.9522 or senlow1@ gmail.com.

Lessons/seminars SQ. DANCE/LINE DANCE LESSONS: Sundays, 2-4 p.m., Hugh Dimmery Memorial Center, 680 Cherokee Ln., West Columbia. $5 per class.

Sponsored by The Columbia Twirlers, 803-7720546 or http://www.scsquaredance.com/ or http://www.thebarnsc. com/ HELP FOR COUNTY VETERANS: Veterans’ Affairs Officer Ed Lundeen meets Veterans, surviving spouses, dependents and beneficiaries at area Gaston Library first Thursday each month – 10 a.m.-12 p.m.; Chapin Library, first Friday of each month – 9 a.m.-11 a.m.; and BatesburgLeesville Library, second Friday of each month – 10 a.m.-noon. The office provides education, advice and assistance in filing VA claims and information regarding VA programs. Appointments en-

couraged, call 803-7858400 Monday-Friday 8am-5pm.

meetings PINE RIDGE WOMEN’S CLUB: Meets 3rd Thursday each month September through May at Pine Ridge Town Hall. Info: Hazel Kanipe, 803-755-9995.

CAREGIVER RELIEF: Babcock Center is launching WOW! Seniors Program, made possible through a grant from the United Way of the Midlands, to provide caregiver relief opportunities on the weekends for those caring for people with intellectual disabilities, autism and related disabilities age 55 and older within their home. Program runs 8 a.m.–4 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays at sites located in Richland and Lexington counties. Free to individuals who are not currently receiving supports through the Department of Disabilities and Special Needs. Information, call Marcus Smith, 799-1970.

museums EDVENTURE CHILDREN’S MUSEUM: A learning experience especially for children 12 and under, MondaySaturday 9 a.m.-5 p.m. and Sundays noon to 5 p.m. 211 Gervais Street, Columbia, Children and Adults: $11.50; Seniors (62+): $10.50; Military (with ID): $10.50; Members: Free; Children under one: Free. Info: 803 779 3100 LEXINGTON COUNTY MUSEUM: Collection of

antebellum buildings and artifacts. Tues.-Sat 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Sunday 1-4 p.m. Closed Mondays and holidays. 231 Fox Street at U.S. 378 (Columbia Ave.) Adults $5, children $2. Info: 3598369.

SC ARCHIVES & HISTORY CENTER: Open MonFri, 8:45 a.m. - 4:45 p.m., at 8301 Parklane Road, Columbia.

COLUMBIA MUSEUM OF ART: Corner Main and Hampton, Columbia. Tu. Fri. 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Saturday 10 a.m.-5 p.m., Sun. 12 p.m.-5 p.m.

Closed Mondays. Adults $10, Students $5. Every Sunday is free. Info 7992810. Free admission to all active duty military personnel and their families.

S.C. STATE MUSEUM: 301 Gervais St., 8984921. Adults $7, seniors $6, children 3-12 $5, under 3 free, Military discount.

Reunions LEXINGTON HIGH CLASS OF ‘85: Lexington High school’s class of 1985 has its 30th reunion July 18. Contact Melissa Crumpton Hook, 803351-6093, Pansy Phillips Shull at 803-356-3289 or email LHS. SC.Classof85@gmail.com.

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VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL GRACE UMC: Grace United Methodist Church, 410 Harbison Blvd, Columbia, will have its Vacation Bible School June 21–26, providing dinner 5–5:45 p.m. for registered participants with VBS from 6–8:30 p.m.

Open to 3-year-old preschoolers through 6th grade. Adult classes also provided. To register, visit www.gracecolumbia. org and fill out the registration form, call the office at 803-732-1899, or stop by the office Monday–Thursday 9 a.m.–3

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Lexington, SC 29073 Fish Wrapper storm team forecast friday Saturday mostly Isolated sunny t-storms HI 86|LO 67 Prec chance: 20%

HI 87|LO 67

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sunday scattered tstorms HI 86 |LO 67 Prec chance: 50%

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MONday scattered tstorms HI 90|LO 69 Prec chance: 60%

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