SPECIAL SU RP ISE ISSUE! 4o
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Suddenly its AlfsJ This bizarre cult of grey, shorthaired nine-to-fivers is sweeping the country. They work as Accountants, Executives, Journalists, Bank Managers, Doctors. Lawyers, Salesmen, Dentists,Insurance Clerks, Civil Servants... In fact, most people are Alfs these days. They are becoming a public menace... a threat to world peace... a social embarrassment.
11111' kliMMD221142 1. To make Britain a fit place for their children to live. 2. Full employment. 3. Democracy. 4. To bring back the industrial revolution.
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Great Alf Ileunions 1. The Queen with the Duchess of Windsor. 2. The Pope with the Archbishop of Canterbury. 3. St. Francis Chichester with his wife.
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1. Alfs kill more people in automobiles in this country than any other ethnic group. 2. They are clannish. Observe buses, trains, places of public amusement. And remember, Alfs usually only employ other Alfs and often under conditions so appalling as to prevent them ever becoming non-Alfs. 3. Despite their overall stupidity they are SMART in business. 4. Alfs love to sing and dance. They can easily be pacified by humming a ragtime tune. 5. The captain of the Torrey Canyon was an Alf. 6. Few Alfs admit they are Alfs. That's why they are so difficult to help. 7. They sometimes try and change their names so they can'pass' - Ringo Starr, Lord Avon, John Le Carre, Engelbert Humperdink, George Weidenfield. 8. They are trying to marry your daughters.
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Coitus Interruptus. Engagements. Drowning. Malnutrition. Praying. an Alf symbol )
GREAT Air ACHIEVEMENTS The crucifixion, War, Custard, The World Cup, Electrification of the London Manchester Railway, The Fox trot, Not buying any of Vincent Van Gogh's paintings during his lifetime, The Process, I.Q. tests, Our World' Georgette Meyer, The Kams Sutra, Life Insurance, The local, The condom, Post Office Savings accounts, Cathy McGowan, North Sea Gas.
courtesy of Australian Immigration Dept. - less bulk reductions) and humane. Alfs love Tasmania - they are the only inhabitants.
A typical Alf Underground publication
The chief accountant at British Railways, Hughie Green, C.P. Snow, Mr. Gannex, Ken Dodd, Chapman Pincher, Barry Humphries, David Wynne Morgan Mr. Marks and Mr. Spencer, your neighbours and thousands of others too obvious to mention. But Alfs weren't all born yesterday they abound throughout history:
Gay Alfa on a Wimpy trip. Here theyare mainlmang . Wunpy-inurgers . curious slabs of gristle and grease pre-cooked, re-heated then consumed between two chunks of unfresh bun. Colourless, tasteless, odourfull and "deliciously addictive", the Wimpy constitutes a classic square meal. (Alfs maintain that the number of deaths from en overdose is negligible).
The rush-hour shove-in. Conceived originally as a 'happening', the Alf shove-In is now a twice daily ritual. Sombre, colourfully dressed in colourless garb, often clutching newspapers and mysterious brown paper parcels, Alfs jostle and urge playfully onto passing trains. There is an overwhelming smell of deodorant - used by Alfs to disguise the telltale reek of perspiration and unbathed skin tissues.
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an Alf Happening As Cleopatra, Sarah Bernhardt stabbed the slave who bore to her the tidings of Mark Antony's defeat at Actium; she stormed, raved, wrecked some of the scenery in her frenzy and finally. as the curtain fell, dropped in a shuddering convulsive heap. As the applause died, amiddle-aged British matron was heard to say to her neighbour: 'How different, how very different from the home life of our own dear Queen.'
AN ALF RIFUTATION FORS TARS SWE ach u EH E MALF Yet my accuser:1*w berett mean ma lhir that mien I bearethaull Mimi bazar& them SO ' lyle tolate on the whole c a an, 1 ITEM ly 17' cleere eache
Histor Apologists Winston Churchill: "The maxim of the British people is 'Business as usual'". St. Paul: "Let all things be done decently and in order". Robert Kennedy: "I' basically agree with both positions". Sarah Flower Adams: "Nearer, my God, to thee". George I: "I hate all boets and bainters" George V: (Last words) "How is the Empire". E.M. Forster: "Ulysses is a dogged attempt to cover the universe with mud". Tse Tung: "Be united, alert, earnest and lively". lrantland Rice: "When the One Great Scorer, comes, To write against your name, He marks - not what you won or lost But how you played the game".
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Communalism is Inherent in Alf philosophy, it sometimes extends to their sex life. A pioneer Alf, Billy Butlin, has opened nine seaside holiday camps which absorb "over one million" Alfs annually. It is here that they HAVE FUN and manifest their basic drive - hedonism.
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Even Alfs rear OZ. Check these Some Alf do-gooders, called "entrepreneurs" or "business-men" have questions to make sure you're not an Alf. started shops which stock basic Alf gear and quaint accessories which are given away to needy Alfs at "bargain prices". 1. Despite this country's present economic difficulties and the precarious state of feeding we shall soon be back on our feet. True or false? 2. London swings. El True or false ? i 3. The sun will never iset Although you are drastically outnumbered Hovercraft. You can: True or false? it's still not too late. ❑ (a) Turn them on - This is (Tarr 4. God is on our side. temporary palliative. An Alf will True or false ? always turn himself off eventually. NOTE: If you attempted any of these (b) Export them to Tasmania - This is questions then you are an Alf sermanent, inexpensive WO per Alf
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