OZ magazine, Sydney, no.5

XMAS & NEW YEAR ISSUE

1 /3

DECEMBER

W1A1S • • • Be

►O Y , w hat a p redicam ent!

A p p a re n tly w e’ve all got to sit ro u n d fo r th e n e x t eighteen m o n th s p re ­ tending like m ad th a t LBJ is every bit as good as JF K w as — a vintage m odel o f th e N ew F ro n tie rsm a n tu n e d u p for th e occasion. B ecause if w e d a re b reath e o n e w ord o f criticism A m erica m ight fail in to the w aiting arm s o f S en ato r B. G oldw ater.

W ell, I suppose th a t c a tastro p h e is w o rth a lo t o f kidding. B ut it’s going to be h a rd to m a in ta in th e illusion th a t Jo h n so n is a n y th in g m o re th a n a p re tty sou n d c are er p o litic ia n — a d ilu te v e r­ sion o f th a t o th e r R oo sev elt protege, H a rry S. T ru m a n .

T h e L B J-m an ia sounds th e k ind of g im m ick-prop u p o n w hich lesser m en lean. A n d as fo r L ad y b ird — H ell, w hy d oesn’t she elope w ith one o f the B eatles?

Burning Question of the M onth. T h e fa m ilia r c la n g o u r o f g re at intellects clashing, ro se d eafen in g ly fro m the SM H L etters co lu m n s last w eek. T h e question: S hould biros be used in prim ary school?

T h e verdict (pred ictab ly ): N o.

T h e reaso n is p la in to see. F o u n ta in pens b u ild u p c h ara cte r; n ib s m ak e m en out of boys a n d sp o rts m istresses o u t of girls. I m ean scratching aw ay like th at really steels th e m ettle, a n d changing nibs sh arp en s th e m ind.

M e? I w as b o rn w ith a L ad ies’ Sheaffer in m y w riting h a n d (an easy m ista k e to m ak e a t th a t age) a n d w as n icknam ed “H is N ib s” fo r m y scripto rial prow ess.

O nly o n e th in g w orries m e though.

R ecent studies show th a t 90 p e r cent, of children using a split n ib develop into schizophrenics a n d those w ith leaking pen tubes b ecom e c h ro n ic bed-w etters.

'T 'H E m ystery o f the Im m a cu la te C o n ­ -E- (’p r tio n is as old as C h ristm as itself. c ep A p p a ren tly th e re w as only one w itness to th e g re at event a n d th ey bought his silence by elevating him to the influential p osition o f H o ly G host.

B ut H olly w o o d has a w ay o f eking out the m ost heavenly secrets on earth . T h is tim e the m ob th a t m ade Barabbas (the film “ th a t begins w here dll the o th ers left o ff ” ) a re m aking T h e R ev ela tio n s o f G abriel, th e film “ th a t ends w here all th e oth ers begin”.

Its su b -title: W h a t T h e A n g e l Saw.

A s well be killed for a sheep . . .Last July, you w ill rem em b er, O Z n am ed Sydney’s ow n D r Jo h n M cG eorge as “ the crim inals’ frie n d ” fo r th e p a rt h e plays in letting crim inals loose o n to society.

H ow ever, th is m o n th w e h ave to a n n o u n ce th a t th e good d o c to r has m et his m atch in P e rth m u rd e re r E ric E d g ar C ooke.

C ooke has been sentenced to death o ver th e m u rd e r o f tw o p e o p le a n d the a tte m p ted m u rd e r o f tw o others. N ow h e ’s confessed to tw o m o re alleged' m u r­ d ers a n d n o b o d y know s how m any m ore h e’ll confess to.

W ell, if y o u ’ve got to go, y o u ’ve got to go; b u t p riso n officials a re a fra id th a t if som eone d o e sn ’t gag h im soon th e y ’ll lose th e ir w hole clientele.

1963 was th e y ear o f th e co m p an y d ir­ ector.

D o y o u re m e m b e r :th e Stein b ro th ers a n d th e In te rn a tio n a l V ending M achine crash ; S tanley K o rm a n a n d th e C hevron collapse; th e R e id M u rra y bungle, the S ta n d ard In su ra n c e sw indle, th e L atec scandal? T h is m o n th w e h av e h a d : the D ucon do uble-dealings and F a c to rs fra u d ; re v elatio n s a b o u t “S a n ta ” Sennes a n d a re m in d e r o f th e old “A u stra lia n g old b u b b le ” case w ith th e d e ath of C lau d e de B ernales.

M ean w h ile in M e lb o u rn e w here the C om panies (P u b lic B orrow ings) A ct is being p u sh e d th ro u g h to sh u t th e stable d o o r, it w as rev ealed th a t tw o m en in th a t city sit on m o re th a n fifty b o ard s

lar aid p ro g ra m m e fo r y o u r relatives.

T h e n h e w ill die o f an ulcer.

A u stra lia did n o t ra te a m en tio n am o n g D r R u d in ’s findings b u t I th in k we c an safely say: © I f y o u fru stra te an A ustralian, he w ill th rea ten to k n o c k y o u r head off, th en ask y o u to m a k e it up as old buddies a n d d ie o f alcoholic poisoning, h a lfw a y th ro u g h th e rapprochem ent.

Turn Again, D anny Boy. O nce u p o n a tim e, in a m o m e n t of rashness, A rth u r A ugustus C alw ell to ld a television a u d i­ ence th a t th e L a b o r P a rty ’s real chance o f electo ral success w ould only com e w ith “th e angel o f d e a th ” .

A t last o n N o v em b er 7, th e angel of d eath cam e. A n d A rth u r, in a to u ch in g scene, tarn ish e d only by the political u n d erto n es, w as dutifu lly a t the d e a th ­ bed. H e la te r re fe rre d to th e A rchbishop as one o f “ the tw o g reatest figures the C ath o lic C h u rc h in A u stra lia has know n” , a ra th e r tactless sm ack in th e eye fo r S ydney’s C a rd in a l G ilro y , w ho w as not th e o th er one a n d m ay h ave been re ­ m inded th a t w h en h e w as chosen card in al in 1945 th e sam e A . A. C alw ell p u blicly expressed b itte r re sen tm en t th at the V a tic an had1passed o ver “ the n a tio n ’s g reatest ecclesiastic — the venerable A rc h b ish o p of M e lb o u rn e ” .

Calw ell, G ilroy, M annix -— w hat a fa scin a tin g R om an trin ity ! But, alas, the angel o f d eath b ro u g h t no Prom ised L and fo r o ver-eager A rth u r.

M xm L e t’s p u t the X back in to X m as. * * *

o f directors a n d o n e sits on 78 o f them .

T h e re ’s n o d o u b t: fo r som e people life m u st be ju st one m ad , gay ro u n d of b o a rd m eetings!

In a study o f seventeen natio n s D r Stanley A. R udin, of D alh o u sie U n iv e r­ sity, U SA . fo u n d p erfect co rrelatio n be­ tw een causes o f death and reaction to fru stratio n . H e p u t it this way: © I f y o u fru stra te an E nglishm an, he w ill kee p a stiff u p p e r lip and d evelop an ulcer. © I f y o u fru stra te an Irishm an, he will die o f angry hypertension.

• I f y o u fru stra te an A m erican, h e will sh o o t you, then establish a m illio n -d o l­

D o y o u re m e m b e r M a n d y R ice D avies?

T h e L ad y H a m ilto n w ho m et n e ith e r her W a te rlo o n o r h e r N e lso n b u t m ad e a clean b re ast of things and m ad e h e r fo r­ tune fro m the d irt th a t h a d been cling­ ing th ere all th o se years?

B ack in to the new s she lea p t w ith a tim ely observ atio n to rem in d us w h at a w a rm -h earted c rea tu re she really is: “F a te is strange. H e re am I going off to a p a rty w ith w ealthy and fam o u s people and C h ristin e is in a cell.”

N o n e is m o re sensitive to public feel­ ing th an th e film industry. T h u s, a fte r th e assassination, U n ited A rtists w ith ­ drew th e ir film “ M a n c h u ria n C a n d id a te ” , ab o u t th e a tte m p ted assassination of the U S P re sid e n t by a C o m m u n ist-b ra in ­ w ashed ex-G I, on the grounds of bad taste.

B u t nev er fe a r — the po ck et still m asters th e conscience. As soon as the tim e is rip e “ P T 109” will lea p b a ck onto the local screens w ith th e kind o f p u b ­ licity g u a rra n tee d to m ake y o u r stom ach turn.

T

T R U S T th e B ritish tax p a y er is as th rilled as his A u stra lia n c o u n te rp a rt at the pro sp ect o f fo u r m o re R oyal additions (m inim al estim ate) in th e new year. A fte r all it is o u t o f his p ocket th a t th e m o n ey w ill com e to m ain tain them fo r the rest of th e ir lives.

Still I suppose it’s a good idea to run off a few re p rin ts w hile th e m odel is still in vogue. *

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A t B otany cem etery, m o re th a n a dozen gravediggers w ere dism issed fo r refusing to w ork w ith one digger, w h o was described as “d a n g ero u s” .

T h e m en. w h o w ork in pairs, claim ed th at th ey m ight be struck w ith a shovel o r th a t grave tim bering m ight collapse.

N o th in g in recent years has b ro u g h t hom e to th e p ublic m ore dram atically O Z is p ublished by O Z P u b licatio n s Ink L im ited, 4th floor, 16 H u n te r Street, Sydney. P h o n e 28-4197; if unansw ered.

96-1448 o r 918-3393.

Editors: Richard Neville and Walsh.

Ari Director: M artin Sharp.

Richard

Make-up: Bob Thompson.

Editorial Assistants: Gina Eviston, Robyn Cooper, Bev Fleming, Alex Popov.

Organisation: Harry Bauer and Bob Miller.

Assistant Secretary: Winifred.

the d a n g ero u s a n d heroic w o rk o f the gravedigger. A ll th o se b ra v e m en p ick ­ ing a n d shovelling a b o u t in th e bow els o f th e e arth , defying d e ath — e ith e r fro m being felled by an over-enthusiastic shovel o r b u ried in a cave-in —- in th e ir a tte m p ts to m ak e f o r d e ath a better place!

G ra v e d angers indeed! *

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Troubles, troubles . . . A lre ad y th e re ’s a n unseem ly sq u ab b le betw een Jackie a n d the U S G o v e rn m en t over w ho will p a y the gas bill fo r th e e te rn al flam e.

I t ’s n o t th a t everybody isn’t so rry fo r Jackie, b u t th e questio n is: ho w long is ete rn ity ? W ith th e G o v e rn m en t w ary fro m experience a b o u t u n d ertak in g long­ term com m itm ents, it looks like U ncle Sam will h old the lan te rn w hile Jackie chops the w ood.

T h a t is, unless th ey e stab lish the Jo h n F itzg erald K en n ed y E te rn al F la m e T ru st to m ain tain a little m an standing a t the ready w ith a p o c k etfu l o f dim es to put in the gas m ete r every tim e th e flam e flickers. * * * H a rk the H e ra ld ’s angels sing G lories to the reborn M ing.

See the Sparkes F ly. T h e P rofessor seem s to h ave really p u t his O rr in it by refusing to accept the U niversity of T asm a n ia ’s offer o f £16,000, plus legal costs.

F o r those w ho have nev er flagged in th eir su p p o rt fo r this A m o ra tu s P ro fe s­ so r o f P hilosophy b u t still w ere keenly aw are of the dam age being do ne to the A u stra lia n e d u ca tio n system by the p ro ­ lo n g atio n o f the quad w ran g le, this m ust be a dilem m a indeed.

It is o bvious th a t th e U niversity of T asm a n ia w ould never tak e O rr back, b u t th ey h a v e sw allow ed th e ir p rid e suffi­ cien tly fo r m ost p e o p le ’s liking by c o n ­ ceding, a t least p a rtia lly a n d certainly u n d e r pressure, the e rro rs o f th e ir ways.

A lso, n o do u b t, th e resignations w ere n o t unw elcom e.

In th e unseem ly ru sh to find justice in com prom ise, O rr suddenly is o u t in the cold again, asked to sw allow the past years o f h u m iliatio n and any chance of academ ic re-em p lo y m en t fo r £16.000.

W ith a £50,000 libel suit p ending and the univ ersity obviously u n h a p p y at the p ro ­ spect o f defending it, w hy sh o u ld n ’t he tack his co lo u rs to the justice o f the law co u rts ra th e r th a n th e m ak esh ift justice o f academ ic politicos?

If th e U niversity C ouncil is genuine in its desire to seek a com prom ise a n d n o t ju st trying to b u y V ice-C hancellor Isles o u t o f tro u b le cheaply, th e n these sam e term s w ill b e offered a fte r th e C o u rt decision h a s b e en m ade. In th e m e a n ­ tim e, it m ight try to a rra n g e som e a lte r­ native academ ic post fo r th e professor, and so e n d this u n fo rtu n a te affair once a n d fo r all.

— nelson

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A U S T R A L IA , as the c u rre n t m yth run s, is fa m o u s fo r m a n y things, n o t th e least o f w hich is th e m arsu p ia l —■ you know , k o a la bears, w allabies, k an g aro o s a n d o th e r beasties w hich b e ar th e ir y o u n g in a pouch.

Thei m arsu p ial is fo r th e A u stra lia n z o o lo ­ gist w h a t th e H a rb o u r B ridge is fo r M rs E verege — a justification of natio n ality .

T h a t is not to deny th a t o th er con­ tin en ts h ave h a d th eir m arsu p ia ls at som e tim e o r a n o th e r, b u t elsew here th e m arsu p ia l w as superseded by the m am m al, a ra th e r m o re efficient an im al biologically, w hich th e n w iped o u t the m arsupial.

L ikew ise thosei q u a in t a borigines, to w hich w e evidence such a n interesting love-hate relatio n sh ip , a re n o t peculiar because o th er races h ave never passed

th ro u g h su ch a p rim itiv e stagei b u t m erely because m ost o th e r races have passed b eyond this stage. T h e aborigine, like the m arsu p ia l — the cynic w ould add “ like th e A u s tra lia n w h ite ” — re p re ­ sents the strange p h e n o m e n o n o f a r­ rested evolution.

T h e ex p la n atio n fo r all this is sim ple en ough a n d fo r o nce th e m y th does n o t lag to o fa r behind th e reality. W hile n o t exactly a lan d o f m ilk and honey, A u stra lia is c ertain ly m o re h ospitable to an im al life th a n m ost countries.

O ver the cen tu ries it has been able to supply the o ften highly specific needs o f its in h a b ita n ts and, m ore im p o r­ tantly, m ad e very few dem ands u p o n them . A u s tra lia — u n lik e o th e r c o u n ­ tries w ith m o re extrem e a n d v a ria b le conditions — has p u t n o pressure U DO n its in h a b ita n ts to evolve m o re efficient

OLDER ANGRIES O Z is th e only m agazine in A u stralia co nsistently com m itted to a n in d ep en d en t and objective criticism o f th e A u stra lia n scene, m ainly (alas!) because w e h ave no vested in terest in any p a rt o f th a t scene.

H ow ever, lest we a p p e a r to m ak e the claim , q u ite unjustifiably, th a t n o one else shares o u r concern a t som e o f the n a stie r p h e n o m e n a of A u stralian society today, we w ould re fe r th e re a d e r to tw o excellent articles th a t h ave a p p ea red since o u r la st p u b lic a tio n : 9 Under Old M anagement by G eoffrey D u tto n (N atio n , O cto b er 19).

D u tto n ’s in te rest is in th e m y th A u s­ tra lia m ain tain s overseas of you th and virility — “ a to u ch in g p ictu re o f us bou n d in g fro m triu m p h s on the tennis c o u rt to b u lld o z in g a n o th e r m illion or tw o acres o f virgin b u sh .” “ A las, ho w e m b a rrassin g th e tru th w ould be if one w ere tactless e n o u g h to tell it, nam ely th a t y o u th in A u stra lia controls n o th in g except, m aybe, the te e n ­ age g ra m o p h o n e re co rd business. T his m ay be sym bolic; y o u th is governed by its elders to a m ax im u m o f 45 rpm .

A u stra lia as a n a tio n is ru n by old m en a n d is subservient to senile institutions.

W hen a w a r com es y oung m en a re as in v alu ab le as th e y a re expendable, and in sport, w hatever th e age o f th e gentle­ m en w ho c o n tro l it, y oung m en h ave to do the ru n n in g and the ju m p in g .”

H e hasten s to rem ind o f Y e ats’ re fe r­ ence to “ an old m a n ’s eagle m in d ” : “ B ut the essence o f a n eagle is th a t it is a loner. E agles do n o t sit to g eth e r on com ­ m ittees o r c ongregate in clubs or caucuses.”

A n y b o d y can com pile his ow n private list o f grow n sons h a m stru n g by aged parents, of governm ents, businesses, com ­ m ittees a n d associations w here th e young a re likely to d ie b efo re th e ir chance com es. A t th e to p o f D u tto n ’s ow n list is th e o cto g e n aria n m en ta lity o f the L ite ra ry A dvisory B oard (fam ilia r to re ad e rs o f Ju ly O Z) u n d e r th e in sp ira ­ tio n o f eighty-one-year-old K e n n eth Binns.

“A ra n d o m sam pling p ro d u c es a fa m ­

ous shipping firm w hose G e n era l M a n a ­ ger w ill be n in ety next y ear and w hose C h a irm a n o f D irecto rs is so old th a t he does not even list his age in the A u s tra ­ lian W ho’s W ho; a sprightly d irec to r is only eighty this year. T h e C h an cello r of Sydney U n iv ersity will be ninety next year. T h e C h ief Justice o f S outh A u s­ tra lia w as eighty last year. T h e G en eral M an ag er o f th e A B C is a y oungster of sixty-three, b u t he has been in his p re sen t position fo r n early th irty years . . . O u r young rebels have to be alm ost old m asters b efo re th ey a re appreciated.

D obell, D ry sd ale and P a tric k W hite are in or p a st th eir fifties; all th e angry young m en, fro m N o la n to M ax H a rris, a re in th e ir fo rtie s.” @ “She'il D o ” Attitude W on't D o by Ow en H a rrie s (first p ublished in “T he A m erican S c h o lar” ; rep rin ted in S atu r­ day H e rald , D ecem b er 7).

H a rrie s c o n tra sts p u b lic life in E n g ­ land and A u stralia, concluding th a t the greatest difference is the strength o f lib e­ ral trad itio n in the fo rm e r a n d its w eak­ ness in th e latter.

T h e d e ath penalty, the trea tm e n t of hom osexuals, censorship, p riso n reform , racial discrim ination — on all such issues E nglish liberalism speaks o u t strongly and. d espite its ow n com plaints a b o u t a re a c tio n a ry establishm ent, w ith con­ siderable effect.

“A u stra lia n s do n o t o n th e w hole (and there a re n o ta b le exceptions) have finely tu n ed consciences o n m a tte rs o f civil rights. T h e disgraceful tre a tm e n t o f the aboriginal, fo r instance, passes alm ost w ithout co m m en t a n d despite recent im ­ provem ents th e censorship of boo k s is still one o f th e least enlightened in the W estern w orld. “ ‘She’ll d o ’ is a trad itio n a l A u stra ­ lianism usu ally a pplied to a less th an p e rfe c t so lu tio n o f a p ra ctic a l problem ; it also seem s to a p p ly freq u e n tly in the case o f social a n d m o ral problem s. As long as thin g s w ork m ore or less well th ere is n o t o verm uch concern fo r m a r­ ginal m istakes a n d im p erfectio n s.”

w ays o f living a n d so. being good A us­ tralian types fro m w ay back, they have allow ed e v o lu tio n to sto p dead in its tracks.

In 1788 th e w hite m an arrived bring­ ing w ith him m am m alian life. B oth soon m ad e them selves a t hom e, establishing beyond d o u b t their ev o lu tio n ary superi­ o rity by sailing in to th e task o f w iping o u t the locals (anim al and h u m an ) w ith ch ara cte ristic gusto. In fact, if it was not fo r an early instinctive u n d e rstan d ­ ing o f w h at a ttra c ts to u rists w e m ight never h ave p reserved these biological curiosities a b o u t w hich w e h ave now developed so intense a n a tio n a l pride.

B ut the new settlers b ro u g h t m ore th a n m a m m alian life to this country.

T h ey b ro u g h t w ith th em th e lively social aw areness and conscience th a t w as to d o m in a te A u stra lia n p olitics in the second h a lf of th e n in ete en th century.

T hese w ere the dissidents a n d ag itato rs of the O ld W orld, bent on establishing in the N ew an e g alita ria n society alo n g B entham o r C h a rtist lines. U n d e r th eir influence A u stra lia led th e w orld in the e n lig h ten m en t o f its social legislation.

T o d ay all th a t is passed. It m ay be regarded e ith e r as dissipated youth or the flow ering o f a child prodigy th a t b u rn t itself out. T h e liberalism , ra d ic a l­ ism, rep u b lican ism and refo rm , o f w hich a u r fa th e rs boasted, h ave no w becom e p o litical sm ear-w ords. T he sons, satisfied w ith having half-realised th e ir fa th e rs’ ideals, h ave allow ed the m o m en tu m th a t drove A u stra lia to F e d e ra tio n slowly, p e te r ou t. W here o n ce we w ere ranked a m o n g the m o st p rogressive nations of th e w orld, to-day we h ave obtain ed a n u nenviable re p u ta tio n fo r social u n e n ­ lightenm ent.

A t th e helm is a m a n w ho out-Pickw icks P ickw ick in Y e O lde W orldliness.

H e h a s A u stra lia sold on a concept of m o n arc h y a n d em p ire w hich even B rit­ ain a b an d o n e d several decades back. In oppo sitio n is a p a rty w hich clings te n a ­ ciously to a p la tfo rm o f c atchcries and slogans — a strange concoction of co lo ­ n ia l jingoism a n d h alf-b ak ed M arxist bo rro w in g s — m ore a p p ro p ria te to the goldfields w here they o rig in a ted th a n to c o n te m p o ra ry A u stra lia n society.

T o rn betw een loyalty to the m y th of a one-class society and entan g lem en t in p olitics based o n the class struggle b e ­ tw een “w o rk e rs” and intransigent “ bosses” , a n a tio n a l c h ara cte r has d e­ veloped w hich has the fa m ilia r rancid sm ell o f B ritain h a lf a century ago. A n ugly m ix tu re o f ignorance a n d a rro ­ gance. it is c alcu la te d to en d ear us to o u r n e ig h b o u rs ju st as efficiently as it en d ea red B ritain to hers.

T o this is grafted th e old B ritish genius fo r seeing only th e things one w ants to see. A b ro a d , w e refuse to face the very real danger o f o u r persistently a rro g a n t a ttitu d e to A sia. A t hom e, w e defend b lata n t injustices and illiberal repressions on th e g rounds th a t they m ain tain a w ay o f life w hich w e refuse to a d m it is as im m o ral and c o rru p t as those o f o th e r c o u n tries w ith fa r m o re liberal legislation.

W h at has h a p p en e d ? P e rh a p s it is history rep eatin g itself. L ife has been

to o good to us. S heltered b y isolation, p ro tec te d fro m o v er-exertion b y the sem i-socialisation in h erited fro m the past, c o m fo rted by th e m u ch -p ro ­ claim ed n a tu ra l p o ten tiality w hich w e a re to o lazy to realise to its fu ll extent, w e h ave gone to sleep o n o u r feet, as o u r predecessors did, a n d allow ed the w orld to evolve o n a ro u n d u s w ith o u t o u r active p a rtic ip a tio n in th a t process.

A t the present, each n a tio n is too busy going a b o u t its business to n o tic e a laggard, b u t no d o u b t one day we will b e re m em b ered a n d rediscovered.

P e rh a p s th e n the w orld w ill tre a t us as kindly as w e h a v e tre a te d o u r p re ­ decessors a n d m ain tain u s as a m useum piece depicting th e m anners and m orals of a bygone era. W ho know s? By re ­ fusing to m ove w ith th e tim es w e a b n e ­ gate the right to d e te rm in e o u r own future.

— R.W .

LETTER FROM EDITORS fT'H E present issue o f OZ is the fifth ■* so far and the first o f the new series.

B riefly, T H E S T O R Y SO F A R is as fo llo w s: O n A p ril F o o l’s D ay, 1963, the first issue o f O Z appeared. F ro m th e start it was billed as a satirical m agazine—■ in th e w ords o f R A Y C A S T L E , “more, c oncerned w ith sh o o tin g d o w n p ie in the sk y than fly in g O v er the R a in b o w " — a n d this im age has since been consistently m ain ta in ed by such diverse sources as " E v e ry b o d y ’s”, “V o g u e ”, the A B C ’s “Critics” and M A X H A R R I S ’ “A ustra lia n L e tte rs”.

Y e t the reaction o f O F F I C I A L ­ D O M w as th a t O Z was so m e k in d o f u pstart c o m p etito r o f P L A Y B O Y .

T h e bureaucratic processes o f the C u sto m s D ept, a n d C row n S o lic ito r’s office w en t in to a tail spin.

About three m o n th s later th ey sw o o p e d and presented th e editors and printers w ith su m m o n se s fo r pu b lish in g “an obscene publication, to w it O Z N o .

I ”.

M eanw hile, circulation h a d been steadily increasing fr o m 7,000 in A p ril to 8,000 in Ju ly ( the last issu e ). O n legal advice, h o w ever, it w as decided that p u b lica tio n sh o u ld cease un til after th e m agistrate’s hearing.

In S e p te m b e r all d e fe n d a n ts were, fined heavily, even tho u g h the printers used a Q C to plead n o t guilty.

D espite this, it was decided to c o n ­ tinue, p u blication as soon as the u n i­ versity exam inations, in w hich both editors were involved, concluded.

W ho’s Finger’s on the Trigger?

D id y o u read w here th a t B eer T ycoon le ft all those m illio n s to St. V in c e n t’s H o sp ita l a n d o th er charities?

F u n n y thing, really. I m ean d o in g all th a t w o rk fo r charity w ith o u t ever sit­ ting o n th e B la ck & W h ite o r any o th er com m ittees.

B u t m y u ltim ate stro ke in charitvw ork was w hen I presented som e o f m y frien d s w ith OZ subscriptions as presents.

D id th ey th in k I was w ay out! W h a t originality!

O f course, 1 d o m y bit by charity by going to all the balls, w ine tastings and co ckta il parties.

B u t A r t is still m y N u m b e r O n e charity. Y o u k n o w — su p ­ porting starving artists by sipping w ine at th e galleries and going to first nights.

A n d so — O Z D E C E M B E R is here . . .

We think y o u w ill find that six, m onths has not dam pened our vigour nor court appearances tam ed our thoughts. A lthough w e remain un­ repentant for OZ A P R IL it should be realised by those not fortunate enough to obtain copies that it ven­ tured m uch closer to the wind than subsequent issues.

T o those contem plating taking out subscriptions w e can honestly say that we are unlikely to sail so close again. And with one editor at last released from the burden o f exam i­ nations we contem plate no stoppages in the future.

The future, o f course, depends on the buying public. But w e are confi­ dent that an increasing Sydney, inter­ state and even overseas readership guarantees a long lease o f life for this publication.

Contributors o f articles are in con­ stant demand, but the m ost practical contribution that can be m ade to this venture w ill always be to take out a subscription.

A s always, subscription rates are 10/- for six m onths and £1 for tw elve m onths. Naturally current subscribers w ill be unaffected by the delay in publication and w ill receive 6 and 12 issues respectively.

R IC H A R D N EV ILLE and R IC H A R D W ALSH Co-editors, OZ M agazine.

A n d to th in k th a t O Z c o u ld n ’t even exist w ith o u t charity w orkers lik e m e.

T h e c o st? O nly 10/- fo r six m o n th s’ subscription and £1 fo r tw elve m onths, sent to: O Z M agazine, 4th flo o r, 16 H u n te r Street, S yd n ey.

In the c o lo u rfu l pre-law days o f the A m erican W est, th ere w as a ro u tin e m eth o d o f silencing op o sitio n •—■ you h ired a gun m an .

T hese lanky, illm an n e red , m ean -lo o k in g h o m b re s have now been re p la ce d by o u r judicial sys­ tem . C lum sy, expensive, b u t (if skilfully used ) just as effective as a n y P aladin.

T a k e OZ, fo r instance. T h e first issue irrita te d som ebody, b u t instead o f th e ed ito rs being rid d le d w ith lead, th ey w ere issued w ith a sum m ons W ho p ro d d e d th e police d e p a rtm e n t into action? tVas it M rs Suburbia?

P e rh a p s h e r h u b b y straggled hom e fro m a h a rd day at the b an k w ith A P R IL O Z in his h o t little paw s. “ S om ething I picked u p fro m the c o rn e r o f M a rk e t a n d Pitt, d e ar . . . a little different fro m th e D igest, hey, h e y .” B erryl w as n o t am used, so she ra n g th e V ice Squad.

W as it the Q u e e n ?

W as it any o f the dears fro m the O Z Social T o p 20? “ N eilia, darling, w e’ve been se n t-u p in th a t scruffy little O Z. such a bore, re a lly . . . do w e know a n y o n e in the H o u s e ? ” W as it th e o th er n ew spaper giants? “'R u p e rt here. Sir F ra n k , those louts fro m th e varsity a re trespassing beyond th e cam p u s; shall w e h a v e a w ord to N o rm ? ”

N E W BOOKS

Riding the banned wagon H E August Commonwealth Gazette published the new revised list of banned books. For those w ho’ve read everything, may we suggest that here at last is that imaginative gift you have been seeking. To help you in your selection, we give below capsuled reviews of a few of the titles that caught our eye. Of course, for obvious reasons, the titles are all that we have read, but they appear to give quite an accurate pointer to the contents. W e leave it to your ingenuity to obtain originals to scatter 'neath the Chrissy tree.

T

1. The Carnal D ays o f H elen Seferis: F ra n c is L engel. A slightly m ore so p h isti­ cated p o rtra it o f th e typical E nid Blighton hero in e.

H e le n ’s lovable, carefree n a tu re w ill w a rm the h e a rt o f every m um a n d dad.

2. The Sports M istress: P. M anpierre.

"A n y o n e fo r te n n is? ” asks M anpierre,

th en p roceeds to explain how the joys of a gam e w ith th e girlies a re eventually co n su m m ated off-court.

3. School Life in Paris: anon. B lurbed as D e G a u lle ’s answ er to th e W yndham R ep o rt. P e rh a p s th e less b road-m inded re ad e r w ill raise a n eyebrow o r tw o at these off-beat P a risian custom s w hich

Author as politician In June, O Z was happy to introduce to its readers promising author, bombast and poetaster, “A r ty ' Calwell, who had just published his second novel, “Australia’s Role In Modern Society”.

S in c e th e n , A r t y h a s r e n o u n c e d his a rtis tic le a n in g s a n d t u r n e d to p o litic s .

B u t e v e n th e h u s tin g s c o u ld n o t d a m p ­ e n th e flash es o f w it o f th is g e n u in e A u s tr a lia n c h a r a c te r.

A n d so , f r o m a n o th e rw is e d r e a r y p o litic a l b a ttle , w e e x tr ic a te T h e B est o f A u t h o r C a lw e ll: — “I am m u ch n e a re r to th e fro n t line in th e battlel ag ain st C o m m u n ism th an the P rim e M in ister has ever been .” (N o v ­ e m b e r 18.)

“If o u r enem ies w anted a fa ir-dinkum fight th ey w ould h ave to com e dow n the H u m e H ig h w ay .” (N o v em b er 23.)

“I w as o n e o f th e faceless m en fo r tw enty-tw o years. Y o u know m y face. I c an n o t claim it is handsom e. I h ave n o t m ov ab le eyebrow s. T h ey c a n ’t p u ll th e w ool over m y eyes. A ll I can say is th a t I h a v e a rugged kind o f g ra n d e u r.”

(N o v em b er 23.)

“T h e A n sett o rg a n isatio n h a s th e right to say som ething fo r the L ib e ral P arty b u t I do n o t know w hy it has to go so fa r as to p u b lis h a p h o to g rap h show ing th e P rim e M in ister as th irty years yo u n g er th an h e is to d a y .” (N o v em b er 26.)

“T h e la te S en ato r M cC arth y . . . was only a ty ro alongside A u s tra lia ’s outgoing Prim e M in ister.” (N o v em b er 26.)

“H e w a n ts to b e ab le to say h e has a m an d a te fro m th e p eo p le fo r a g erry ­ m an d e r.” (N o v e m b er 27.)

“H a v e y o u ev er n o tic e d this a b o u t Sir R o b e rt M enzies — th a t he is a g reat n a m e sd ro p p e r . . . Indeed, he is the E lsa M axw ell o f A u stra lia n po litics.”

(N o v em b er 29.)

“A n d I w ill go to C a n ad a , too, and

1 will go to N ew Z e a la n d . . . T he peo p le of A u stra lia w ill p a y fo r it and they w o n 't havei to p a y as m uch as they h a v e fo r trip s by m em b ers o f the G o v ­ e rnm ent, because I am a very sim ple m an a n d m y w ants are easily fo u n d .”

(N ovem ber 29.)

“I kn o w th e A u stra lia n p eo p le far b e tte r th an does Sir R o b e rt M enzies as I m ove a ro u n d A u stra lia as m uch as he m oves a ro u n d E u ro p e .” (N o v em b er 29.)

“I w alk a ro u n d A u stra lia n cities w ith­ o u t any g u a rd s.” (N o v em b er 30.)

Ad from the F iji “Tim es”, 26 N ov., ’63: “ B achelor w ishes to sell his interior sprung, squeakless, little-used double bed, £25. A p p .”

m ake B ath u rst H ig h seem like a m o n as­ tery.

4. The Passionate Lash: A lan M cClyde.

A ch arm in g insight in to “ T om B ro w n ’s Schooldays” .

M r M cC lyde offers this ten d e r-h ea rted ro m an ce betw een a boy a n d his h e a d m a ste r’s strap — it w as love a t first feel.

5. Forbidden Paths: R on ald K a p ita n ; Love and Safety: a non.; Road Floozie: D a rcy G lin to . H e re ’s a bright new tri­ logy issued by the ro a d safety d e p a rt­ m en t (a n d a p ractical gift fo r th e u n ­ initiated).

A s th e title suggests, “F o r ­ bid d en P a th s" w arn s any over-enthusi­ astic beg in n er o f th e dangers of straying fro m the b e aten track . “ R o a d F lo o z ie ” is a cynical look a t the careless w om an driver.

6. Its First Practice, Told by a Set of Joyous Students: anon. T h e gam e, of course, is chess. In his in im itab le style, anon, skips breezily (via his pupils) from o n e ch eck ed m ate to an o th er.

7. The Strap Returns: N ew N otes on Flagellation: anon. A n old-tim e fav o u rite a t G .P .S . schools, the lash is now being re-discovered (boosted by th e P ro fu m o A ffair) by State H igh School H eads. T his a d ro itly -illu strated p a m p h le t will keep tea ch e r a b rea st w ith m o d ern techniques —y o u ’ll love the section on “Six o f the Best fo r B eginners” .

8. The Sexual L ife o f R obinson Crusoe: H u m p h re y R ichardson. T h is erudite d o cu m en t is based o n th e unpublished p o rtio n s o f D aniel D e fo e ’s dairy . U ntil the a rriv a l o f M an F riday, th e am use­ m en ts of M r C ru so e are som ew hat p re ­ dictable.

T h o se w ho a re instinctively shocked by questions o f m iscegenation will be reassu red by M r R ich a rd so n 's objective, tho u g h sym pathetic, analysis o f this difficult subject.

9. M abel’s Torments: E rie D exter. W hat does a w om an do w hen A lka Seltzer fails to heal those every-day aches a n d p ains?

P o o r M ab el re so rte d to an overdose.

10. Initiation Inn: M ary M ark. Y o u can enjoy the delights o f H aw k esb u ry A g ri­ cu ltu ra l College and university initiation cerem onies w ith o u t th e inconvenience of actually having to enrol.

11. The Autobiography o f a Flea: anon.

A g o u rm et’s guide to the bitter-sw eet delights of the h u m a n flesh. L isted are the m o st edible hu m an breeds, the tenderest portions, the tastiest tit-bits. A n ideal gift fo r th e calorie-conscious can n i­ bal!

12. The Frigging Countess: E .A .R . N o t recom m ended fo r tinies.

13. U nlicensed N urse: C arl Sturdy. A su rp risin g solution to the old rid d le of w hat k e p t F lo ren ce so long in C rim ea?

14. A Tale o f Satisfied Desire: Pierre A ngelique. E v er w o n d ered w hat h appened to th e m oney you d o n ated to the “F re e ­ dom F ro m H u n g e r” C am paign?

T his p ictu resq u e re p o rt details th e m u lti­ tud in o u s w ays in w hich the voracious appetites o f o u r b ro th ers w ere titillated.

— R .N .

N A IR O B I, O ct. 23 —• K e n y a ’s P rim e M inister, M r Jo m o K en y atta, told a political ra lly : “F o r m o re th a n 40 years I have to ld th e im p erialist th a t we have to ru le ourselves, a n d h e refused. “ W e h a v e struggled w ith him like a m an fighting a lion.

N o w w e have k nocked him dow n, w ould you like som ebody else to com e alo n g and tell us o u r c o u n try sh o u ld be fra g m e n te d ? ” (B ecause o f a m istra n sla tio n fro m the Sw ahili, R euters qu o ted M r K enyatta as saying: “I h ave th e B ritish lio n by the tail and I d o n o t w ant to lose m y hold because o th e r peo p le w an t to divide K en y a.” ) — SM H , O ct. 24 In plain, old-fashioned English there was a com plete balls-up!

On Sunday night, D ecem ber 18, tw enty-year-old A lb e rt Oz, o f R evesby, d iv ed fully clad in to the T asm a n Sea a t A valon. H e dragged a w om an o u t o f the su rf in to the sandhills, a p p lie d m o u th -to -m o u th resuscitation a n d o th er rescue m eth o d s h e devised on th e spot, b u t she la te r died.

By w ay of rew ard to A lb e rt fo r his alertness and unselfish service to the c om m unity, 2SM is pleased to presen t him w ith o n e of a dozen w orthless pieces o f p a p e r ru n u p by a staff artist a n d to n a u se ate its listeners by having the G ood-guys p lay th is annou n cem en t to d e a th every h o u r every d a y until a n o th e r good deed is p e rfo rm e d in Sydney.

G o to it, fellers, w hat greater incentive do y o u need!

PASSING OF A PRESIDENT The full story UPU. Republic of the Americas. Dec. 22: The entire population here is still staggering following the funeral of President Kenny.

P re sid e n t K e n n y w as assassinated a w eek ago. T h ree w eighted ro lls o f ticker ta p e felled the P resid en t w hen th ey w ere d ro p p e d fro m a ro o fto p as th e P resident passed by. Soon afterw ards, the P resident passed aw ay.

T h e crow d o f 700 was stunned.

T h e la te P resid en t scorned security; once re m a rk in g th a t he needed security like h e needed a h o le in his head. H e w as su rro u n d e d by only h a lf th e n o rm al co m p lem en t of 1,300 security officials a t the tim e o f his death.

L ea d ersh ip of the R ep u b lic a u to m a tic ­ ally fell to V ice-P resident L. B. Johns som e m inutes a fte r K enny w as felled. H e ru sh ed to the P residential P alace to con­ sult econom ists, diplom ats, in te rio r decod a to rs a n d o th e r experts.

In terv iew ed w hile relaxing am ongst the P residential silverw are, h e com m ented: “ T h is is a n a tio n a l calam ity .” 'Later, he a n n o u n ce d th a t th e late P re sid e n t typified L asting B ravery a n d Justice.

T h e assassination b ro u g h t repercussions th ro u g h o u t the R epublic. Security m en, searching fo r the assassin, shot up a few

Am I too old at 70 to govern A u stralia?

No. You may be discouraged by rumours that men reach their mental and physical peak at 40 and then decline— but senility is no barrier to a political career. Look at these members of the A L P State Cabinet who’ll seek re-election in 1964.

The Premier, Mr Heffron, is 73 and has been an M L A since the depression {an old doggie who doesn’t need to learn any new tricks).

A nd here's our old, old friend and Chief Secretary, C. A. Kelly.

So all you spritely octogenarians, pack your crutches, oil your rocking chairs and follow our leaders. After all, age shall not weary Education Minister Wetherell (70), nor the years condemn Health Minister Sheahan ( 68 ) —they shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old.

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lo itering c o lo u re d fam ilies in m istake for the culprits.

T h e sto ck m ark et crashed, b u t reco v ­ ered w hen it was realised th a t M rs K en n y d id n o t in ten d to liquidate h e r holdings.

T h e new P re sid e n t addressed the p eople, saying h e faced a n enorm ous task, a n d p ra y in g fo r guidance. L a te r h e co n su lted P ublic R e la tio n s experts.

T h e fu n e ra l cerem ony w as the sim plest p ro v id ed by the C hurch. F iv e cardinals officiated. D etails o f th e cerem ony w ere decided by M rs K enny.

W atching crow ds w ere h u sh e d as the coffin w as bo rn e to the cem etery— the silence bro k en only by the so u n d o f 29 m assed bands, p laying w ith m uffled drum s.

T h e P re sid e n t w as b u ried in a p lo t set aside fo r n a tio n a l heroes. E x p lain in g h e r choice, M rs K e n n y said, “h e w ould have w a n ted it th a t w ay.”

M rs K e n n y insisted th a t th e P resid en t be b u ried in the sam e m a n n e r as a n o r­ m al citizen. A t th e w idow ’s req u est, a 100 ft. g ra n ite co lu m n , a n e te rn a l flam e a n d a lily p o n d a re to be c o n stru cted on the site. T h e lily p o n d is to be stocked w ith goldfish fro m E cu a d o r. This,, said M rs K enny, w as th e late P re sid e n t’s fa v ­ o u rite goldfish g round.

M illions th ro u g h o u t the R ep u b lic sat up th ro u g h th e n ig h t to w atch th e T ele ­ vision coverage o f th e w idow ’s secret m idnight visit to the g rave site.

C ongress a n n o u n ce d th a t 59 streets, 28 p a rk s a n d 13 m o n u m e n ts w ere to be re ­ n am ed a fte r th e late P resid en t— 53 streets, 25 p a rk s a n d 12 .m onum ents at th e special re q u est o f M rs K enny.

P re sid e n t Jo h n s sta te d th a t th e late P re sid e n t’s m em o ry w ould live fo rev er on th e bookshelves o f history. M rs K e n ­ ny sta te d th a t she w as w riting h e r h u s­ b a n d ’s m em oirs. T h e selected publisher stated th a t he h a d been touched.

It is u n d e rsto o d th a t L e rn e r a n d L ow e a re changing the c en tra l c h ara cte r o f th e ir m usical “ C a m e lo t” .

ST O P P R E S S : It w as a nnounced th a t the R epublic o f A m ericas is to be re ­ nam ed the R ep u b lic o f K enny. T h is w as at th e re q u est o f M rs K enny.

—ROBERT W ALKER

THISTLE When you hear The Queen’s Christmas broadcast every year do you sometimes feel you’ve heard it all before? So do we.

So we sent O Z Man at the M it­ chell Library, Dean Letcher, scurry­ ing to the back-fles and this is what he found . . .

o f th e w orld a n d h o p e to see m o re o f y o u than ever before". T h e duke, m um , uncle, a u n t a n d cousin A lex w ere due to , see P akistan, E ast A frica, N ig eria, C en -’

SLE o ld and o u tw o rn m a ch in ery" (1957).

T h e sp iritu al aspect o f the sta n d ard of living was a m ain them e in 1958. “ . . . th e p ro p h e ts and dream ers . . . m e n o f

^ H E Q ueen’s Christm as messages, those precious jewels sent by the BBC around the w orld, range from 126 w ords — 1959, the shortest — to about 500. But that winsome W indsor wisdom always comes through.

O f course, in any long-running com ­ mercial of 500 w ords there’s bound to be a pretty strong story line. I t’s got to be a hard sell right from “M y h u s ­ band and . ..”

N a tu rally , a fte r the co n tin u o u s m ark et research in the field by all m em bers of th e fam ily, we sh o u ld expect a consist­ ently-selling m essage. H ow ever, looking back o v e r th e p ast six years, th e re m a rk ­ able fe atu re is just how consistently ratings h ave rem ain ed high, tho u g h the m essage has h a rd ly changed a t all.

I t ’s a g re at trib u te to the original team th a t th e b ra n d im age has needed only m in o r m odifications o ver th e years.

H e re ’s the basic fram e w o rk : 1. T h a n k s fo r the k in d wishes, gifts, etc.

2. F a m ily travel.

3. B irth s a n d deaths.

4. T h e w o rld is in peril.

5. B u t d o n ’t reject the "ageless ideals” (i.e., m o n a rch y ) ju st because th ey /it are I is breaking up /d o w n .

6. O ur fu tu r e lies in the hands o f y o u n g p e o p le a n d countries (a n d the sta rs).

7. W e have both a n d A m e rica is la u n ch ­ ing the other.

8. Q E D : H a p p y C hristm as.

T h e first section, th an k in g all A u n t E d n as fo r th e tea-cosies, bedsocks and postal notes n e v er varies — a tru ly g reat trib u te to “W o m e n ’s W eekly” a n d the T ours.

Section tw o (fam ily travel) fluctuates.

In the vintage y ear of 1958, “. . . m a n y o f us w ill be travelling to different parts

tra l A m erica a n d Q ueensland respec­ tively.

T h en cam e th e knee-slapper, “W e h a ve n o plans fo r space tra v el — at th e m o m e n t."

In th e o th e r years, th ere w as usually a sh o rt travelogue a n d the re p o rt of “genuine kin d n ess a n d affection which to u ch ed m e d e ep ly ” ( ’61 ).

Section th ree (b irth s and d e ath s) should be p ro m in e n t this y e ar w ith K e n ­ n e d y ’s assassination and M a c m illa n ’s retirem ent. A lso, C hurchill, on th e one hand, a n d m ost o f the R oyal g irls’ h appy events, o n th e o th er, should provide som e telling copy.

Section fo u r (the w orld is in peril) m arks the change from th e “ C h ristm as” co n te n t to politics.

It is indeed only a fte r read in g several m essages th a t one realises how long th e w orld has been on the brink.

In 1957, “A t this critical m o m e n t in o u r history. . . w e w ere in the sam e d ire need o f "a special k in d o f courage" as w e w ere in th e “torn w o rld ” o f 1962.

“A rg u m e n ts and strained relations as w ell as natural disasters have all helped to p roduce an a tm osphere o f tension and uncertainty all o ver the. w o rld ” (1960). “ . . . the harsh realities o f this troubled w orld . . . in tim es lik e these, tim es o f tensions a n d anxieties . . . the clouds o f a n x ie ty" (1 961).

H o n e st to G od, the w orld situ atio n gets w orse every year. B ut fo r th e solution see section five.

G iven this p eren n ial w orld crisis, w h at can w e do a b o u t it? T h e answ er (sec­ tio n five) is obvious to any constitutional m o n arc h w ith no effective pow er at a ll:— “T h e tro u b le is caused by u n th in k in g p eople w h o carelessly throw aw ay a g e ­ less ideals (m o n a rc h y ? ) as if th ey were

F or W hom Jingle Bells T T is a g re at m ystery w hy the fam ous psychoanalysts nev er saw fit to in ­ vestigate th e m ind of S anta C laus.

T h ere has, o f course, alw ays been a g reat interest show n by historians, as evidenced by a recent study o f the in­ flu en c e o f S anta C laus in G re ek po li­ tics. It has also been put fo rw a rd by som e renegade critics o f E nglish lite ra ­ tu re th a t S a n ta C laus wrotei S hake­ sp e a re ’s plays.

T h is is n o longer seriously accepted by w estern academ ics. A s they so rightly point ou t, S anta C lau s w ould have been a b o u t 16 hu n d red years old w hen the first play w as w ritte n and th ere a re m ark e d indications o f th e a u th o r having been a m uch y ounger m an.

I h ave so fa r tak e n the liberty of re fe rrin g to S anta C laus as a m an. T h ere a re m an y w ho will not agree, hastening to po in t out the buxom figure a n d ’ red sm ock. A s fo r th e w hite beard ? W ell, bearded w om en a re not unknow n.

H ow ever it is m y belief, as a student o f S anta C lausology, th a t he is basic­ ally a m an.

M y interest w as first a roused w hen I observed how little boys and girls upon re ac h in g the agei o f pu b erty , tended to reject S anta C laus a n d m ake wild claim s th a t he did1 not exist. O bviously a m an w ho had such pow er over adolescents w as w o rth investigating.

H is m odus o p e ran d i is m ost unusual but re q u ire s m u ch p ractice. C him neys — w o n d erfu l sex sym bols in them selves

,

I GH YOU * I 1 *

ideas a n d poets . . . the w hole co m p a n y, w h o chall’e nge and encourage o r enter­ tain a n d give pleasure.” " It is at tim es o f change, disorder and u n certainty th a t w e sh o u ld cling m o st strongly to all th o se principles w hich w e k n o w to be right and good.

C ivilisation, as we k n o w it, o r w o u ld lik e it to be, d epends upon a constant striving tow ards better things” (e.g., a bigger C o m m o n w ealth ) (1 960).

"W e h a v e in o u r hands a m o st p o ten t fo rc e fo r good, a n d one o f the u n ify in g bon d s in this torn w orld. L e t us keep fa ith w ith the ideal we k n o w to be right . .

(1962).

Section six gazes into th e fu tu re of the E m p ire on w hich th e sun sets and new m em bers in th e fam ily — e.g., N ig eria “. . . this great n ation . . . m o st valuable as the fu tu r e u n fo ld s . . . one o f th e bright sp o ts . .

(1960).

A s w ell as ideal young countries, we h ave young idealists a n d need “ . . .

th e T o ll

.

— a re n o t th e easiest w ay to a young child’s heart. A s O gden N ash w ould say, chim neys a re w him sies b u t liq u o r is quicker.

B ut I suppose th e m ain p o in t is n o t how you get into a c h ild ’s bed ro o m , but w h at you do w hen y o u ’re there.

I have alw ays been a p p alled by th e blaten tly obvious shape o f a C hristm as stocking. T h is re cep tacle fo r goodies m ust so delay S a n ta C laus o n his ro u n d s as to prejudice the chances o f som e o f us receiving anyth in g a t all.

But the big q uestion has not yet been answ ered. Is S anta C lau s cam p?

F ro m a casual o bservation of his face, especially those tw inkling eyes, one w ould be tem p ted to say yes. B ut th e evidence does not b e ar it out and it is know n th a t he leaves ju st as nice p re ­ sents fo r girls a s fo r boys.

W hat kicks then does this d irty old m an get fro m w andering aro u n d in the dead o f night, sliding in to ch ild ren ’s bedroom s?

O bviously S anta C laus is a voyeur.

A nd d o n ’t be m isled by the trissy nam es of his reindeers. It is now recognised by com petent zoologists th a t th ey a re sim ply Shetland ponies in drag.

S anta C laus will u n d o u b ted ly go dow n in history as the w o rld ’s m ost p ro lific consum er o f a p h ro d isia ca l fru it cake.

T hese little stim ulants left fo r h im by thei virgin ch ild ren o f th is p lan e t are undo u b ted ly responsible, in n o sm all way, fo r his pecu liar behaviour.

— D ELLA

their vigour, their determ ination and their service . .

(1961).

N ow w e com e to H e rse lf’s perso n al fa m ily . . . " Y e a r b y year our fa m ilies change a n d grow up. S o does our C o m ­ m o n w e a lth fa m ily ” (1 962).

A h, dom esticity, trip p in g a b o u t the S an d rin g ­ h a m pan try .

In 1962, th e fu tu re w as in the stars.

“T h e W ise M e n o f O ld fo llo w e d a star: m o d e rn m a n has built one”, Telsta r — th e cu rio u s “invisible fo cu s o f a m illio n eyes", w ith “h e r sister satel­ lites" re a d y to begin a fem ale succession in th e skies.

Pass o n to section seven. 1963 has been a q u iet y e a r fo r th e C o m m o n ­ w ealth, no w dw indling to a piece in o u r tim e. A h , yes! Y o u n g people, young places a n d old q uotes she rephrases. . . .

Section eight in fallib ly ro u n d s things off w ith a cheery Q E D H a p p y C hristm as.

T h e re ’s a m erry b u rst o f Y u le tid e w ishes fo r those Ja m aica n bus c o n d u cto rs "m iss­ ing the w arm th and sunshine. o f their h o m e la n d s" in "these old isles" (set in a silver sea?) (1 957).

A nd, “as the carol says, m a y w e all hear the angels sing in the c o m in g years” . . . “Peace, G o o d w ill tow ards M e n .”

G o d save th e Q ueen.

— D E A N LETCH ER

C jjr te tm a s ; C l) m H E R E ’S no doubt about the T originality of some of the dolls on the market this Xmas: — •

the Hiroshima doll in three at­ tractive mutations.

• the Vietnamese Buddhist monk doll, complete with petrol refills.

• the David McNicoll doll that says, “ Yes, Sir F rank.”

• the Sir Frank Packer doll that says, “ Yes, Bob.” • the Bob Menzies doll that says poetry to Her Majesty. ® the H er Majesty doll that says, “Not here, Philip”, and “Put that brandy down, Charles” . *

iC O N G R A T U L A T I O N S Santas on com ^ p letin g y o u r training course. B efore w e unleash y o u on the kiddies, let’s run through the rules ju st once m o r e : 1. Be c are fu l w h e re you p u t y o u r hands.

2. A lw ays rem em b er to let th em kiss you.

3. Be ta c tfu l: If Jo h n n y asks Santa fo r so m e b ro th ers a n d sisters, send m u m m y to the doll d epartm ent.

4. O n h o t days w ear plenty of Old Spice, a n d if y o u ’ve been to a X m as p a rty th e night b efore d o n 't fo rg et the pe pperm ints.

5. S om e o f the kiddies a re ra th e r ex citable, and in th e past o u r Santas h ave fo u n d w a te rp ro o f plastic tro u sers a godsend.

6. Be specific: I f a lad w hispers in y o u r e a r fo r a tricycle, tell m u m m y his secret X m a s w ish is fo r a special Cyclops h a n d -m a d e de-luxe supercycle pow ered by a V icta tw o-stroke, ch eap at h a lf the 119 guineas.

7. L a st b u t n o t lea st: Please do not feed th e anim als!

*

*

There is a current rumour that a large department store in the heart of the city will soon announce plans for a “ Second Christmas” . They will celebrate the nativity again in June. “ Everyone adores Chrissy,” say the store’s PR men, “ so why not have double the fun by offering a second visit from Santa. Of course we’d have to think of another gimmick to replace the manger and virgin jazz.” *

*

*

Here are some suggested New Year resolutions: 1 Visit the National Hotel.

2. Apply for the Chair of Philos­ ophy at University of Tasmania.

3. Invent a dance craze.

4. Land a date with Mandy Rice Davies.

5. Visit the Royal George and beat up some fairies.

6. Subscribe to OZ.

The ABC of Surfdom W h en a situ a tio n changes it does n o t ta ke the A B C m o re than three years to sense\ th e n e ed fo r an alteration in' its fo rm a t. S o it sh o u ld n ’t be too lo n g before the new s filters through th e T o p Brass th a t cricket is n o w O JJT and surfing is K IN G .

Bugged by the Beatles?

A n d so, w ith a slight reshuffling of personnel, w e tak e you o u t to B ondi Beach w here A llan M cG ilvray, C h arles F o rtu n e a n d g uest-com m entator, teenage surf-idol, “B u tch y ” Bates, a re re ad y to bring you th e ir im pressions o f to d a y ’s b re ak e rs . . . “ W ell, A rth u r, h e re w e are b a ck in this sunny, su n b ro w n , sundrenched, su n d ry A u stra lia and, A rth u r, I w ould v e n tu re to say th a t I th in k th a t surfing to d ay h a s a cq u ired th e prestige of o th er sports, sp o rts w hich . . . ”

shingle tw inkling . . .

A n im pudent d u m p er th a t one, ah, B u tch y ?” “ Y eh. K in g .” “ I fancy M idge m ig h t have played th a t one a bit differently, A rth u r.”

“ Q uite so, C h arles, I th in k I w ould agree. W h at is y o u r o p in io n , B u tch y ? ” “Y eh. I t ’s k in g .”

“W ell, h e re com es th e first im m ense rolling, fro th in g ro lle r ro llin g beachw ards. A nd, yes, h e ’s got it. L ik e a b ronzed A d o n is poised astrid e his flim sy balsa, lik e th e C olossus o f R h o d e s as he sw oops delicate as a w inged angel down the fo a m in g crest o f a v e ritab le E verest o f a w ave to w a rd th e gleam ing golden

TOX

‘‘Q uite so, C harles. M idge’s slow glid­ ing a rm a ctio n a n d easy p a c e o n th e p la n k w ould sta n d this fellow in good stead w hile dogging . . .

“T h e blue sw ard stretches before us w ith golden, god-like figures bending fo rw a rd ex p ec ta n tly as th e next w all, sm ooth as glass, ro lls w ith aw esom e m ajesty to w a rd s th e pavilion. W ith its fre e a ctio n a n d fine m o v em en t th e first ride is a tru e c o rk to p . . . ” “Q uite so, C h a rle s.” “ . . . takes off n e atly tu rn in g left in a fine slip, han g s five, w alks back and backs o u t very fine . . . ” “ Q uite so, C h a rle s.” “ . . . h e ’s rid in g toes-and-ten, m aking it fo u r-u p and five still to com e. Slipping a lo n g th e w all b u t caught in slips look­ ing h a n g d o g . . . ”

Banish them with “BeatleTox it turns sound into static! Just one squirt will destroy Beatle-maniacs, dis­ infect Beatle-nuts, warp Beatle records, singe Beatle haircuts and keep your hom e {or party) free o f the Beatle Plague. ” —

-

“Q u ite so, C h a rle s.”

“H e ’s going fo r b ro k e b u t it’s an offb re a k so h e m ak e s a sh o re b re a k and1 breaks even. I th in k it’s a sw am per— no, it’s a bodyline d u m p e r o r an in-sw ing­ ing dip p p er. A b u m p er! A n d h e ’s w iped

out, ru n out, ru n n in g along th e tu b e .”

“N o, C harles, it’s a n o ball and he’s been sent off f o r c h u ck in g .”

“Q uite so A rth u r.”

“H eh, king.”

December Personality This m o n t h O Z i n t r o d u c e s a s S p a r k e s , of P a n a n i a .

its P e r s o n a l i t y o f t h e M o n t h , Fred

F r e d su ffe rs fr o m th e u n f o r t u n a t e in flic tio n o f lo o k in g lik e e v e ry Id e n tik it p ic tu re e v e r p u b lis h e d . H e h a s b e e n p ic k e d u p f o r e v e ry m u r d e r a n d ra p e c o m ­ m itte d in A u s tr a lia sin c e th e Id e n tik it w a s in tr o d u c e d .

B e c a u se o f th e c o n s ta n t d e m a n d o n h im , F r e d h a s h a d to give u p his jo b a n d g o o n to r e lie f. B u t h e h a s n o c o m p la in ts .

H e sa y s p o lic e n o lo n g e r ro u g h h im u p in th e c h a r g e r o o m a n d a re o fte n a p o lo g e tic f o r th e ir m is ta k e s.

P O S T C R I P T : F r e d te lls u s th a t h e u se d to be a m u r d e r e r a n d ra p is t b u t g a v e it u p w h e n th e I d e n tik it c a m e in.

Out, Damned Spot! / \ N C E u p o n a tim e th ere w as th is guy " ' w h o inven ted th e w heel.

H e w as in h is b a th tu b a t th e tim e a n d m ed itatin g over th e sponge. H is lips pursed1, his eyes n a rro w ed . T h e n a ll o f a w h a tn o t he leap t u p like a shotten gazelle a n d w hooping o u t the neolithic eq u iv alen t o f “E u rek a! I ’ve fo u n d it!” , in­ vited his w ife, w ho w as h o lding the tow el, to insp ect his th u m b n a il sketch: “ Y eah b e a u t,” said the w ife, “ But w hat does it d o ? ” “ W ell, it m oves things,” he said. “ Y ou m ean you d o n 't h a v e to push them a n y m o re ? ” she asked.

“W ell no, y o u ’ve still got to p u sh .” “ You m ean you d o n ’t g otta push them u p h ill? ” “ N o, n o t exactly.”

“O h f ’r cripes sake, com e off it, big boy, so w h a t’s th is big im p ro v e m en t? ” “ W ell it’s n o t th a t you d o n ’t h a v e to push b u t y o u d o n ’t h av e to p ush so h a rd .” “ So I b u y a h o rse and I got th a t a l­ read y !”

“W ell you d o n ’t h av e to p u sh it do w n ­ h ill.”

“T h a t sounds a ll right. B ut th ere ’s a ch an ce it’ll ru n aw ay fro m m e m ay b e ? ” “W ell, yes, th ere is th a t possib ility .”

“N ow listen, big boy. W e been m arried fo r tw enny years, rig h t? I know you like the fu r o n th e p alm o f m y hand, right? So why com e the raw praw n w ith m&, w hen I'm bigger th an you already a n d can knock you silly w ith one lousy kick alre ad y ? Y o u reckon y o u got som ep’n, w ell it w o n ’t sell. Y o u got a dud1 on y our hands. S o get back in the bath before you freeze to d e ath !” * * * In ventors have alw ays had it tough.

Im ag in e th e inv en to r o f the cigarette w hen h e first said “W ell you get a ‘/inivxd 7^ ., li* cfsf- .

V|«

^

"

piece o f w eed, y o u w ra p it in paper, put it in y o u r m o u th , set one end on fire and suck. I d u n n o w h at it does but it’s prog ress.”

O r th e inv en to r o f the chew ing-gum as he gave his o pening spiel: “ In the w ords o f th e Bible, m y friends, here is the p atience o f th e saints, th e frien d th a t sticketh closer th an a b ro th e r.” O r the discoverer of poison ivy trying to p ersuade his custom er to w ait aro u n d an d le t it grow all u p a wall.

B ut the b lo k e w ho invented the h u m b le b a th tu b has yet to justify h im ­

self to m e, fo r I can still see n o e arth ly use in it . . .

A b a th is basically obscene. It is a denial o f dirt, w hich is a n o th e r fo rm of grow th. T o tak e a b a th involves th re e things: a) y o u a re, b) you begin to b e­ com e, a n d c) you wish you h a d n ’t and you sta rt to w ash it off. B ut it never

body to o k baths. T h ey ju st kept p u t­ tin g o n m o re m ake-up.

It is a th eo ry w o rth considering. So the next tim e you pause o n th e brin k o f th e porcelain , m ed itate, consideir, tak e tho u g h t.

The nexl thing down the plughole may be Y O U .

— BOB ELLIS

&&Y O'lboia Q/v\d Kiel UJa -ft berytnu

UoYVwf "

gets y o u anyw here. A n o th e r fifteen hours, a n d y o u ’re sloshing a ro u n d again.

SfEE HOW

If tak in g b ath s w as n a tu ra l w e’d spend m o re tim e getting clean, n o t th e paltry tw enty m in u te s a d a y w e’re used to.

P re tty m easly w hen you consider th a t y o u ’d p ro b a b ly spend som e 23 hours a n d fo rty m inutes accu m u latin g filth.

THEY FALL

A b a th m oreover, is an interru p tio n .

C onsider th e artist, w ho b a th s b u t rarely.

N ow w hy is this? B ecause b ath s and the a rts a re n o t b lood-brothers, th a t’s w hy. W hen you b a th y o u ’re shedding layers o ff y o u rse lf th a t th e good L ord saw fit to give to you. If th e good L ord h a d m ea n t us to tak e baths, let m e add, w e’d ’ve been b o rn w ith builtin spray in g system s, o r at least a fu rry tongue, lik e th e cat.

In sp ira tio n com es w ith dirt, because in sp ira tio n ’s a b u ild -u p o f self-know ­ ledge, like sw eat. A n d w hen y o u scour it o ff b e n e a th th e p ulsing show er, you not only deb ilitate yourself, y o u tu rn yourself in to a m ere A v erag e M an w ith ­ o u t those a d d itio n s, w h ich m ak e u p true individuality, still clinging to you.

A m erican s w ash th ree tim es a day (they h a v e alm o st as m an y b a th tu b s as television sets) a n d are th e m o st u n ­ im aginative, hopelessly c o n fo rm ist race o n earth. E nglishm en b a th o nce a w eek and a re p e rh a p s th e m ost creative. R u s­ sians bath o nce a m o n th and h a v e tech ­ nologically advanced a th o u san d years in the last 43.

E skim os never b a th a t all, b u t th e y ’ve got problem s e nough already. I m ean, they d o n ’t take th e ir dacks off all w inter either. T h is could be depressing.

T h e m ost creative periods of h u m an h isto ry a re w hen n o b o d y takes baths.

T h e G re ek s d id n ’t b a th , b u t th e R o m an s did. T h e E gyptians h a d to w ait fo r the an n u al flood. In E liz ab e th a n tim es n o ­

I V ) y o u ever dream abo u t yo u r fa v o u r­ ite celebrities? O Z editors do. H ere are our choicest d ream s o f 1963: 1. N o la D ek y v ere actu ally read the c o lu m n pub lish ed u n d e r h e r nam e by th e S u n d a y Telegraph, a n d w as so nau seated she joined th e push.

2. T h e 8 G o o d -g u y s em bezzled 2SM funds, ro b b e d a C atholic O rp h a n ag e and th en fled to L as V egas.

3. D av e A llen stated he never had a n y th in g to do w ith E a rth a , because he “ha te s bungs, a n y w ay ” .

4. R ev eren d A lla n W alk er, on the verge o f suicide, d ialled L ifelin e b u t got the T est score o n a w rong num ber.

5. T h e S inging N u n tu rn ed o u t to be L ittle R ich a rd in drag.

6. D o u g las P ra tt (a d re a ry landscape a rtist w h o b a n n ed a m o d est sam ple of “p o p ” a rt fro m th e G a lle ry ) w as cau g h t im porting censored copies o f P layboy m agazine.

7. O ne of th e R oyal m others-to-be upstaged the o th er th ree by having twins.

8. L ee G o rd o n tu rn e d u p alive and well w ith a c a rtlo a d o f fre e publicity fo r his late st im p o rte d artist, w orldfam ous L azarus.

9. M ichael F o m e n k o revealed him self as R o c k efe lle r’s long-lost son gone bush, just in tim e fo r th e P residential p re ­ selections.

10. Princess G ra ce lo st her crow n on one th ro w a t th e casino.

11. M rs. O sw ald tu rn e d o u t to be A nastasia and w as m ade Q ueen of the USA. 12. A rc h b ish o p Sim onds w as caught p a in tin g p o litica l slogans in a M elbourne subw ay.

Obscene or Absurd?

From the “Libertarian Broadsheet”

as the G e n tle R ain, a n d w as scheduled fo r screening. B ut A ssociated F eatu res, w ho developed th e film , feared th a t o b ­ scenity was on th eir h an d s and notified th e g u a rd ia n s of L aw , O rder, T ru th , B eauty, Justice and1 M ercy.

“ \ L F R E D J A R R Y is the pla yw rig h t ■t*- w h o set th e T h ea tre o f the A b su rd revo lu tio n rolling in 1896 w ith his play ‘U bi R o i’ w hich S U D S presented last year. H e died in 1908, b u t the C ollege de P a ta p h y siq u e has been set u p in Paris to popularise his w o r k s . . .

T h ree stage-door jo h n s fro m the* Syd­ ney V ice S quad, w h o h a d n o t consult­ ed th e above n o te in th e p ro g ra m m e of Sydney U n iv ersity D ra m a tic Society’s A R e v u e o f the. A b su rd k e p t th e re v o ­ lu tio n ro llin g w ith a n unsch ed u led en­ tran c e o n th e stage o f th e U n io n T h e a tre a t th e conclusion o f its second night p e rfo rm a n c e o n M a rch 29 last.

T h e ir m ission— find A lfre d Ja rry , a u th o r o f o n e o f the R evue item s, S o n g o f D is­ enthral ning, w ith its grisly th em e of leucotom y a n d ro u sin g ch o ru s “arseholes to y o u ”.

N o b o d y — n e ith e r cast n o r stage-hands — seem ed w illing o r able to assist them in lo ca tin g A lfred , a n d a cry o f “ru n fo r y o u r life, A lf, th e cops a re o n to y o u ” only intensified th eir belief th a t a fugitive fro m justice w as near. F ru s ­ trated , th ey lighted o n A lbie, p ro d u c er o f the show .

A dialo g u e follow ed, in w hich o n e of th e g re at m om ents in th e h isto ry o f the th e a tre fell flat u p o n row s of recently v a cated seats: Biggest c o p (p o in tin g to his p ro ­ g ram m e) : ‘‘G e t m e A lfr e d J a rry’’.

A lb ie: “I f y o u read y o u r program m e y o u ’d see h e died in 1908.”

Biggest cop (in cred u lo u sly ) : “O h did h e now .”

T h e follow ing day th e police let it be know n th a t th ey w ould go b lin d in one eye to th e o ffen c e th ey h a d seen on stage if th e song w as d ro p p e d fro m fu tu re p e rfo rm a n ce s o f th e show .

T h e fact th a t th ere w ere p o licem en

T h o u g h the in ju n c tio n re strain ed Ja c ­ qu e s P revert, it allow ed C h risto p h er A u gustus K e lly to m ak e his stage debut.

T h e im m acu late officialese o f his in ­ ju n ctio n w as re a d nightly to th e a u d i­ ence by a m em b e r o f th e cast. I t so de­ lighted Sydney a u d ie n ce s th a t w hen the R evue w ent so u th e arly in Ju n e fo r tw o nights it w as a cco rd ed th e ra re privilege o f being re ad to M e lb o u rn e audiences in p re fe re n ce to the m o re p o n d ero u s p ro se o f a n in ju n c tio n presen ted f o r the occasion by the C om m onw ealth F ilm C ensors.

A n ew sp ap er story o f th e film ’s short gay history in Sydney h a d set M elb o u rn e o fficiald o m in panic, a n d th ey h a d dis­ p a tc h ed it w ith urg en cy to th e C o m m o n ­ w ealth C ensors f o r a decision in d e fau lt of th e ir own.

B ut th e w ra ith o f A lfred Ja rry h a d obviously set p o lice m in d s in Sydney

a tta ch e d to the C h ie f S ecretary ’s D e ­ p a rtm en t in th e a udience ev ery nig h t w ho did n o t in itiate a ctio n against the song, gives credence to a ru m o u r, c ir­ culating a t th e tim e, th a t th e C h ief Sec­ re ta ry 's D e p artm en t w ould n o t su p p o rt a V ice S quad p ro p o sa l to p ro se cu te the song on th e grounds th a t th e D e p artm en t could be m a d e to lo o k foolish.

A lread y th ere w as evidence in a b u n ­ dance to su b sta n tia te th is belief. A five m in u te film h a d b e en m a d e o f a scen­ ario b y P re v e rt e n titled It d roppeth

to brooding. O ne M onday m o rn in g early in July, A lbie and1 B ruce W illiam s fo und policem en w ith sum m onses, snuggled am ong the m ilk bottles o n th e ir respec­ tive doorsteps. W illiam s’ sum m ons c h a rg ­ ed him w ith singing an o bscene song; A lb ie ’s w ith “aiding, abetting, cou n sell­ ing and p ro c u rin g ” the song to b e sung on a p u b lic stage.

T h e sum m onses suggested th a t p ro ­ secution w as b e in g lau n ch ed w ith m is­ givings— th ey h a d been issued w ell over a m o n th a fte r th e R ev u e term in ated in

T h ree of th e la tte r atta ch e d to the C h ief S ecretary ’s D e p a rtm e n t view ed the film a t re h e a rsa l th e nig h t be fo re o p en ­ ing, and, as th e C h ie f S ecretary su b ­ sequently to ld th e D aily M irro r (w hich fa ith fu lly to ld its readers) “ b lu sh e d ” at w h at th ey saw .

F o u r p o lic e m e n arriv ed o n th e fo l­ low ing nig h t 15 m inutes b e fo re c u rta in arm ed w ith a re strain in g in ju n ctio n signed by C h riso p h e r A u g u stu s K elly, C hief S ecretary a n d M in iste r fo r T o u rist A ctivities. P ro h ib itio n o f the film w as stated o n the in ju n c tio n as being on th e grounds th a t it depicted “h u m an ex creta d ro p p in g fro m th e sky.” N o th in g in th e scenario suggests th a t the sh it is h u m an ; if a causal c o n n ec tio n m u st be m ade, G o d is a fa r m o re likely candidate.

Sydney, a n d h a d ta k e n a n o th e r m o n th to b e delivered to th e resp ectiv e h ands o f th eir intended. A s w ell, it tran sp ire d th a t th e song w as being pro secu ted u n d e r the V ag ran cy A ct, a lth o u g h th e T h e a tre a n d P u b lic H a lls A c t (1908) h a d been in v o k ed to re stra in the film , a n d seem ed m ore a p p ro p ria te .

T h e d e n o u em en t o f this p a rtic u la r p atap h y sical ro m p was a t th e bench of M r C hick SM a t N ew tow n M agis­ tra te s’ C o u rt o n O c to b er 31. H ow ever, only D etective S ergeant M cK enzie, the biggest c o p o f th e M a rch 29 raid, w as p re p are d to say th a t th e song was obscene in th e legal sense o f th e w orld (i.e. “tending to d ep rav e a n d c o rru p t” ).

M r O ’K eefe (a p p ea rin g fo r th e d e ­ fe n d an ts) in c ro ss-ex am in atio n : D id it co rru p t you?

M cK enzie ( la u g h in g ) : N o .

D id it c o rru p t anyo n e aro u n d you?

I heard so m eo n e say . . .

D id it c o rru p t a n y o n e aro u n d you?

N o.

W as there any evidence o f a baccha­ nalia going on?

A what?

M r C h ick : F ro m B acchus, a god.

O ’K e efe : N o orgies in sight?

M cK enzie (big s m ile ) : N o .

T h e tw o o th er policem en follow ing M cK enzie w o u ld o nly testify th a t the song w as in b a d taste, possibly because an a d jo u rn m en t fo r lunch intervened betw een his evidence a n d theirs.

It tran sp ire d th a t the only “com ­ p lain t” upon w hich the V ice S quad had acted w as fro m d ra m a critic F ra n k H a rris w h o h a d re p o rte d in th e D aily M irro r th a t th e p olicem en b an n in g the film h a d m issed a “ filthy little b a th ­ ro o m song by J a rr y ” . P laced o n th e stan d m u ch ag ain st his will, M r H a rris refu sed to say th a t th e song was obscene.

O ’K eefe fo llow ed u p these initial a d ­ vantages by asking a ll p rosecution w it­ nesses if th ey h a d re ad S pencer’s Faerie Q ueen, S h ak esp eare’s H a m le t a n d T h e M erry W ives o f W indsor, a n d the B o o k o f Sam u el. N o n e o f th e policem en had read a n y o f these w orks b u t M r H a rris h a d re a d th em all, including th e Bible fro m co v er to cover.

A ll th ree cops accepted M r O ’K e efe ’s subm ission th a t sh it a n d arseholes a p ­ peared in each o f these w orks.

Mr H a rris ag reed th a t the w ords a p p eared in Spencer, S hakespeare a n d th e B ible he had read. (M r O 'K ee fe om itted to say in C o u rt th a t the B ible h e w as referring to w as the W yclif tran slatio n o f 1388, w hich only a few scholars a re likely to h ave read.)

A ccordingly, M r C hick fo u n d th a t the song w as v u lg a r a n d in b a d taste b u t n o t likely to c o rru p t p e o p le ’s m orals.

A ll o f w hich is p ro b a b ly a triu m p h fo r th e free d o m to be v ulgar and in b a d taste w ith o u t being obscene.

T o establish this freed o m cost A lbie £50 ( th a t h e does n o t hav e) in legal costs. A plea o f g uilty w o u ld h a v e in ­ c u rre d a fine am o u n tin g to n o m o re th an h a lf th a t a m o u n t a t th e v ery m ost.

— C A M PER R Y

St s t iff

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Tweeddale Case: L ast Ju ly M r W ard SM dism issed th e charge of stealing against w aiter G ra h a m E arl T w eeddale a fte r saying th a t he fo u n d it im possible to accept w ith a n y confidence evidence given by detectives. W itnesses w ho saw T w eed­ dale just p rio r to his a rre st said he a p ­ peared to be norm al, w ith o u t any bruises and cuts.

H ow ever, he w as late r adm itted to hos­ pital w ith a ru p tu re d liver, tw o large bruises to the face, one o f them two inches across, and bruising to the arm s.

H e claim ed th a t h e w as stru c k several blow s by police officers, th a t h e w as pushed off a ch air and th en ju m p ed on contin u o u sly by a D etective-Sergeant.

Smith C ase: In A ugust, the M inister fo r

The report of the Commissioner of Police on the recent bashing alle­ gations was never made public. Solicitors could at no stage obtain a copy of the report.

However, O Z has procured not the final report, but a draft, the type­ written report of a police officer. It is believed a senior police officer edited the report to improve the grammar.

REPORT TO THE POLICE COMMISSIONER, NEW SOUTH WALES, ON THE ALLEGED BASHING INCIDENT: William Frederick Johnston (Const.1st class): On the JZ '5‘T^cC. .

night -before- Alf -go t—piopo d I was at Phillip St

■Domai*.

At

eight o ' c l o c k ^ r e e n ^ brought in

4hi3-little- ba-etard who was asking^ all ‘ -rhc -^iae for a lawye-i^. I ^ M t -M-'tt- first and tho kid wac looking"all' surprised and^hurt -ee- Green j-ebbed hlirr;

The dcf-k

-ee-3?g&arrt- then hit the y OU."bli and then Green got the ■ basta-rd o,m»4iho r beauty.

iAnyself,punched him- several

good -eneis although -I—o a n H ci-eim- mtteh -ers rii-4- it was Green who was really doing h i m .

Then the

-b aotard'o cobborts said thoy'd te ll the ir 14■P » The d esk s e r g e a n t t-^ld- tho:n- t o g o t -l o s -t b u t th e y I g o t ou4- th e n . j u s t be f o r e t h e r e g o r t o r o -

S ig n e d :

th e In te rio r, M r F re e th , a n n o u n ce d the dism issal o f S enior C on stab le K e ith Sm ith. T h e case involved seven y o u th s w ho h a d d riv en fro m C a n b e rra to Syd­ ney. T h ey w ere a p p ro a c h e d b y tw o c o n ­ stables w hen th ey w ere p a rk e d outside a garage.

C o n sta b le S m ith stru ck a t least th ree o f th e y o u th s w ith o u t p ro v o catio n , sh o u ted abuse a t them and o rd ered them o u t o f tow n. C o n sta b le H a rris fired several shots fro m his pistol in to th e a ir as th ey follow ed th e yo u th s to the A C T -N S W b o rd e r.

A t the bo rd er, S enior C o n sta b le Sm ith sto p p e d th e y o u th s’ c a r a n d again assaulted1th re e o f them .

E lievsen Case: O n D e cem b er 5, C onstable O w en R ic h a rd E lievsen w as re in sta ted to th e Police F o rc e w ith a tw elve m o n th s’ loss in seniority.

T h e A p p e al B oard w as to ld th a t w hile o n d u ty a t Y o u n g on O c to b er 15, h e h a d d riv en M iss X to a reserve in a police car, w h ile o n duty, a n d h a d p a rtially u n d ressed h er. E lievsen h a d 1 been th e o nly p o lic e officer o n d uty a t th e tim e a n d sh o u ld h av e been co nducting regu­ la r p a tro ls o f th e tow n.

E lievsen w as subseq u en tly charged de­ p a rtm en ta lly w ith m isconduct a n d neglect o f d u ty a n d w ith carrying M iss X in a police c a r to a reserve w hile o n duty, a n d kissing a n d p a rtly undressing her.

F en uclly Case: R o b e rt D a n iel F en n elly claim ed th a t o n his w ay to R e d fern Police S tation, w here h e w as subsequently ch arg ed w ith car-stealing, police slapped his face, cutting his lip a n d b reak in g a tooth. H e claim ed to have signed a c o n ­ fession o n ly a fte r police h a d h u n g him o u t a w indow a t the police station.

T h e R everend1 B. W . G o o k to ld the C o u rt th a t h e knew F e n n e lly w ell as a h e lp e r at th e ch u rch y o u th clu b and had no re aso n to disbelieve him .

In his ju d g m e n t M r B artley SM said th a t he h a d n o re a so n to believe th a t p o lice h a d a tte m p ted to o b ta in a n in­ v o lu n ta ry confession fro m Fennelly.

O’Sullivan Case: In M elbourne, O ’Sulli­ van, a m a rrie d m an w ith a 12-m onthsold baby, w as ta k e n to h o sp ital a fte r being in custody fo r a b o u t th ree hours.

H e la te r died1 fro m in ju ries h e h a d received. * * * A p p a re n tly the S tate of N S W has resigned itself to th e in ad eq u acies o f its P olice F o rce. O n N o v e m b er 8 th e S M H pu b lish ed one o f its m ost p rovocative leading articles, “T h e M aking of a N S W P o lice C o n sta b le ,” w ith o u t raisin g a rip p le in its L etters colum ns.

T h e Staff C o rre sp o n d en t m ad e th e fo l­ low ing p o in ts: © O f the 143 train ee s th en doing th e ir in itial train in g only eight h a d th e ir L ea v ­ ing; C ertificate. © O nly 67 p e r cent, o f the re m a in d e r h a d th eir In term ed ia te C ertificate. © T h e only e d u ca tio n a l exam in atio n fo r en try is a d icta tio n test in w hich 20 m is­ tak es a re allow ed (“ even so, few er th a n 20 p e r cent, pass it a t th eir first a tte m p t”) a n d a six-question arith m etic test in w hich th re e co rre c t is a pass.

Som e m o n th s ago the evening p ap ers m ad e g re at play o f new pro p o sals fo r a tw o-level re cru itm e n t to th e P olice F o rce, w hich w ould include som e u niversity graduates. N o w w e h e a r nothing.

But w ho cares, so long as we w in the T ests?

An authentic survey of Sydney's most popular socialities, compiled by an independent O Z reporter.

Position in the charts is based on a quantitative and qualitative analysis oj appearances in the daily press.

Social rip

I op

Twenty

1. Miss Jane Hill and M r Gordon Douglass.

2. Mrs Dick Pockley.

3. Mr Stephen H. Roberts.

4. Miss Kerry Henderson.

5. Miss Caroline Drury.

6. Mr R upert Scammell.

7. Miss Justine McCarthy.

8. Mr and Mrs Geoff Proctor.

9. Mr Terry Clune.

10. Countess Teleke.

11. Miss Celia Winter-Irving.

12. Lady Lloyd-Jones.

13. Mr Denis O ’Neill.

14. Mrs Maloof.

15. Mr Richard Walker.

16. Mr Richard Hill.

17. Mrs Lazslo.

18. Mrs Max Sturzen.

19. Miss Sandra Miller.

20. Nola Dekyvere.

TVTE w ere k eenly lo oking fo rw a rd to ” the outcom e o f th e struggle betw een the tw o w eddings conten d in g fo r the title o f “Show o f th e M o n th ” . So w e w ere d isa p p o in te d w hen one fizzled (b u t w e d o n 't w an t to be snaky a b o u t t h a t ) .

T h is left the field clear, so Jane H ill and G ordon Douglass ro m p ed to victory.

N o t th a t they d id n ’t w o rk h a rd to m ake

th eir w edding the “biggest a n d b est” of the year. (S H 1/12/1963.) T h ere was trem en d o u s a d v an c e p u blicity a n d even N ola plugged it in h e r colum n. Jane played the ra d ia n t ro le to perfection.

G o rd o n w as c o n te n t to be w itty. (ST 1/12/1963.) T h e re ’s no d o u b t a b o u t it: the H ill's are a g re a t n a m e in th e w orld o f social biz. A n d w e a re glad to see th a t y o ung Susan is follow ing in h e r sis­ te r's foot-steps fro m the d e ft w ay in w hich she cau g h t th e b o u q u e t (stephanotis) tossed ro m an tica lly fro m a “ R om eo an d Ju lie t w in d o w ” (S T 1/12/1963.) If th e old saying is true, th en w e can an ticip ate a n o th e r H ill S p ectacular in the n e ar featu re.

/A N G E u p o n a tim e the slogan was “A rt fo r a rt’s sa k e ” . N ow adays we find th a t a rt is a p o p u la r social and financial investm ent. Mrs P ockley is the latest to discover th e profit th a t c a n be got fro m th e palette. A n d w h a t profit!

T h e opening o f h e r exhib itio n (sem i­ a b strac t) dissolved into a te a r b a th as fru stra te d art-lo v ers w ailed in d isa p p o in t­ m en t o n finding th e ir fa v o u rites alread y sn ap p ed up. (M irro r 21/11/1963.) B ut M rs P m u st have b een very happy. I t ’s g re at to see Sydney society fulfilling its c u ltu ral o bligations and getting financial p erk s o n th e side.

TZ^UDOS to vice-chancellor. Stephen H. R oberts, fo r his recent C arillion C apers. W e c o n g ratu la te this q u ad ran g le crafty fo r e n te rta in in g his social friends a t th e U n iv e rsity ’s expense. P erhaps th a t’s w h y th e re ’s such a sh o rta g e of scholarships, etc. Still, w hen y o u r ow n house isn ’t big e n o u g h to im press M rs D ek y v ere a n d th e gang, it’s good to know th a t y o u r e d u ca tio n can serve to som e purpose.

V E T a n o th e r vain a tte m p t by M iss Caroline Drury to overcom e the stigm a o f being a p ro fessio n al m odel! T o force herself in to the social lim elight she becam e engaged. U n fo rtu n a te ly this type o f p u blicity stu n t has been tried before. A n w ay M iss D ru ry ’s engagem ent p h o to w as only a q u a rte r as big as the m odelling p h o to o n the next page. (ST 8 /1 2 /1 9 6 3 .) She w ould do w ell to rem em b er th a t th e re is n o ro o m for divided loyalties on the Social T op T w enty.

S ' E O F F and H eather Proctor had a '~-r p a rty at th e ir “ g en u in e” G eorgian hom e (SH 1/12/1963.) A d isc o rd an t set­ tin g fo r th e phoney, p re te n tio u s p eo p le w ho w ent to it, b u t an u n u su al a n d re ­ freshing gim m ick.

T 'M S T U R B IN G to see th a t the social set are overcom ing their prejudices against the trad e . E ven Lady Lloyd Jones m anaged to rake u p enough “frien d s” to h o ld tw o p a rties on the sam e day at “ dignified R osem ont” . (ST 8 /1 2 /1 9 6 3 .) By sunset R osem ont m ight still have been dignified, b u t we w o u ld ­ n 't like to bet on L ady L -J’s condition.

M R S Clem M aloof should learn th a t she can carry m ix ’n ’ m atch too far!

T he T eleg ra p h (2 1 /1 1 /1 9 6 3 ) info rm s me th a t to m atch her outfit she w ore “m uted royal blue m ak e -u p ” . W as her face red?

A prom ising y oung new com er Richard * H ill is well o n the w ay to ousting D ickie, Leslie and M erv fro m the Social T o p T w enty. H is coy sm all p a rty before the O lym pic Ski B all m ark ed a hum ble but p ro m isin g beginning.

(Sun 1 4 /11/1963.) R ich a rd is still a novice a n d we have yet to see him in th e S un­ d a y p a p ers, b u t he is young and we tip a sw anky fu tu re for him.

V E T a n o th e r local star has been a com plete flop overseas. M rs Max Sturzon went off to N ew Y ork to try her luck. T h e highlights o f h e r hasty trip w as the “ A p ril in P a ris” Ball. B ut we w ere surprised to lea rn th a t M rs S had n o t m ingled w ith the in te rn a tio n a l elite b u t goggled enviously a t the w hole show on 1 V. Surely it w ould have been wiser to have kept q u iet a b o u t h e r failu re. It was certainly disasterous to confide to h e r “frien d ” N o la D w ho gleefully re ­ p o rted it in h e r colum n. (ST 1/12 /1 9 6 3 .)

FT

w as ch an ce a n d C h ristm a s th a t b ro u g h t to g eth e r tw o lovely young p eople fe atu red in th e T eleg rap h .

(1 2 /1 2 /1 9 6 3 .) P re tty Sandra M iller m et the p a n d a of h e r d re am s w hen brow sing th ro u g h city stores. F ro m the ra p t w ay th ey ’re gazing a t each o th e r w e’d say th a t th ere will be one e x tra fo r d in n er on C hristm as day a t G lenview Park, Bow ral. O r is she im itatin g M ary-A nn B orthw ick w ho to o k a sheep to a ball in o rd e r to m ak e the Ju ly Social T op T w enty? (O Z July.)

to g eth e r fo r n aughty N ola H ADN.DESverytim e she opens h e r m outh she p u ts her fo o t init. (A ny rem edies for foot n ’ m o u th disease?) T his tim e she “ takes h e r h at off to those com m it­ tee m em bers w ho will try anything for th e sake . . . o f the b lin d ”. I f N o la is so eager to doff h e r h a t w e’re w ondering just w hat those o th e r girls took off.

B'GTk

W qRGe r S ie

•••••••••• binkie’s drive-in restaurant 210 elizabeth St., opp. the tivoli open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week The Times Press, 3-13 Queen St., Sydney