OZ magazine, Sydney, no.8

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Special anniversary issue in gloriously exciting clashing colours

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Portrait o f an Australian Liberal This m a n is an A ustralian Liberal. % Continuance

His party advocates:

of the White Australia Policy

® ^legalisation of the Communist Party

% Capital

punishment

Q Repressive literary censorship

That’s what it means to be a Liberal in Australia, old man!

JJi’ .

byi ib ic li

M a d a m , ever seen the Sahara in spring?

A d ra b w a ste la n d before O 'Toole and tech n i­ color— n o w an IN Desert Inn. Come along.

Keep w ill d e liv e r you. G entlem en, fo llo w the lead o f the sm art Espionage set— risk a m id ­ n ig h t parachute ju m p into Indonesia. Dick w ill a rra n g e fo r y o u r forge d passport and M in i cam era. But first, sneak a lo n g to Dick Keep’s Travel A gency, 59 M a cle ay St., Potts Point, or phone 3 5-22 1 2, 3 1 -1 8 5 5 , 3 5-29 7 1, 35-1569. p.S.: In 1980 you can tra vel to the m oon fo r £ 7,0 0 0 ,0 0 0 , b ut if you w a it till 1990, A m erican experts predict the fa re w ill be o n ly £ 6,000,000.

Come to Keeps first; he’ ll save you shillings!

W HAT? NO GUM TREES? “No, Madam, none at all.” “ Well, have you a jum buk?”

“None at present.’'

“Murumph, Mr. Clune, I shall paint one myself *

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Hail. Another Australian painter has been horn! Actually, Terry Clime’s has encouraged many a housewife to swap dustcloth for canvas. See why. Scattered in reck­ less abandon on the walls of 59 Macleay St. are (from time to time) Olsens , Dickersons, Dobells, Boyds— free with the purchase of any is just the cutest set of Mona-Lisa tea towels. Phone 35-2212, 35-1855, 35-2971, 35-1569.

0 ux rcater# turn tortor*♦♦* All About OZ EDITORS: Richard Richard Walsh.

ART DIRECTOR: Sharp.

Neville,

Martin

ARTISTS: Gary Shead, Mike Glasheen.

STAFF: Anou, W inifred, A. G. Read, Gina Eviston. * O Z is p u b lis h e d by O Z Pub­ lica tio n s Ink L im ite d , 16 H unter Street, Sydney.

BW 4197: X M 1448. * O Z is n o t sponsored b y a n y in s titu tio n , o rg a n is a tio n o r pres­ sure g ro u p — it is th e o n ly g e n u in e ly in d e p e n d e n t m a g a ­ zine in A u s tra lia . * O Z needs co n trib u to rs . Please send m a nuscripts o r a rtw o rk to the a b o ve address. * O Z w ill n o w a p p e a r on the first o f every m onth . It is a v a il­ a b le fro m street-corner vendors, a n d la rg e r c ity new sagents. C o l­ lins Book D epot d is trib u te s OZ in M e lb o u rn e ; M a ry M a rtin 's Bookshop sells O Z in A d e la id e . * The price fo r a s u b scrip tio n has n o t a lte re d .

C o m p le te the coupon in th is issue. * Back copies o f O Z a re a v a il­ a b le fo r a s h illin g each — issues 2 to 7. * C irc u la tio n has n o w reached 10,000.

A d v e rtis in g rates are cheap, and O Z 's classified colum n is 1 5 /- , b u t keep it b rie f.

rv

TX/TY nam e is N oelene Quill. I am a trained assistant clerk in the ac­ counts office of the pensions section of the Social Service D epartm ent of A us­ tralia H ouse, and I was there during that bom b scare last m onth.

It was a quarter to two and I had just finished the sleeve o f my boyfriend’s jum per when Jim, our messenger boy, ran in and said: “The billboards reckon there’s a bom b in the building.”

Next, a policem an came in and said: “W e have just been inform ed th at there is a bomb in this building set to go off at two. Please leave.”

So Carol, our telephoniste, me, Jim and a few of the invalids who had been waiting fo r th eir pensions, ran to the lift. One of them started to panic in the corridor and w ouldn’t let us get in the lift, b u t Jim kicked his crutch away.

Well, the police w ent around to all the offices, waking everyone u p and asking them to leave, and saying they had to search the lockers and desks.

The noise was something terrible because lockers are private and anyhow no-one wanted the police snooping around pinching things and finding all the stationery they’d collected.

The F ire D epartm ent came and hosed all around, ruining all next m onth’s en­ dowments. T he people on th e tenth floor thought the police said “They’re bom bing this building,” and they started making huge signs saying “W e’re with you” and “K rushchev is K ing” in red p ain t and putting them on the roof.

By now, it was alm ost two and every­ one ran out o f the building and took shelter.

Luckily, it was only a hoax and noorie was blown up. However it did have its sad side. One hundred and fifty people died when they got into the lift on the ninth floor when it wasn’t there, and twenty-five girls, who were getting ready in the Ladies to go home, were locked in and went m ad with fear. Out o f the people who got o u t safely, twenty were clubbed by the police, and fivehundred have been fired for stealing office equipm ent.

T here are fifteen invalids waiting at my desk now. I wish we could have another bom b scare: I liked watching them run.

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Keeping up

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TVTR P A T R IC K SPITE, the well-known A ustralian conspirator, w ho was in Adelaide recently, and by a strange co­ incidence at the same tim e as the F esti­ val o f A rts, was seen in M ary M artin’s Bookshop wearing a new coat. M r Spite, adm itted author o f Floss, G host Riders in the Sky, and M a n in the Tree, said that he had come to A delaide to assist M r M ax F actor, th e well-known w heel­ wright, editor and cricketer, in the pro­ duction of M ary M artin’s Newsletter, a weekly attem pt at hum our. »

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/"'O L O N E L SLY, the well know n Australian Pile Leader, is in hospital recovering from a slight adjustm ent to his secret service.

'T 'H E F ree E nterprise Banks have do­ nated £100 to a fund started by M r A ve M aria, well-known yoga expert and indulgence salesman, to cover the cost o f exhuming N abakov D ozen, un­ know n Russian author of A B ountiful L ife Under the Czars. M r D ozen will be presented to the self-confessed Prim e M inister, Sir R upert Frenzy, w ho has w ritten a poem fo r the occasion. The poem , entitled Sw eet Sm ell o f Freedom, will be read by Sir R upert, w ho is repre­ senting the sm irking class. *

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jl/T R S A N N IE O AK ELY , th e wellknown A ustralian spy, has just completed a to u r of M ount G am bier, the well-known dairy product, during which she addressed audiences repre­ senting a surprising cross-section of the lunatic fringe in the RSL. Cautioning the RSL on the need to fight atheistic communism M rs Oakley declared that supper was served and th a t slot machines should be introduced into state schools to help children understand the great truths th at lay behind Anzac Day. —JOHN JONES.

Is this a record?

IN CASE anybody overlooked it: G E O R G E JO H N ST O N , “the A ustralian w riter” w hom nobody had ever heard of till last m onth, has returned to A us­ tralia after 14 years abroad, T E N of which he spent on the G reek Island of H Y D R A which nobodyhad ever heard of till last m onth, where he w rote his novel, M Y B R O TH ER JA CK, which has been acclaimed overseas. G E O R G E JO H N ST O N is m arried to another A ustralian w riter, C harm ian Clift (a woman), w hom nobody had ever heard of till last m onth. They lived on the G reek island of H Y D R A for T E N YEARS. H ere G E O R G E JO H N ST O N w rote his novel, MY B R O T H E R JA CK. Besides M Y B R O T H E R JA C K , which he wrote on the G reek island of H Y D R A , he has w ritten “about 24” other books — and a piece o f chauvinistic claptrap “specially commissioned by the D aily M irror."

IN CASE anybody overlooked it: GEORGE JO H N STO N , “the A ustralian . . . ”

My dear Editor, Y our satire of an approach to the seduction o f a young m an was too, too divine. But I was simply too, too h orri­ fied at A lbie’s spelling of K A M P as camp. The initials K A M P come from the file in Scotland Y ard, "K now n as m ale prostitute.”

ONE WHO IS KNOW N. Sir, “F airly strong roots” is surely a fairly strong understatem ent fo r the kind of integration into the A ustralian com­ m unity achieved by some ,of the Asians deported by A rth u r C a b e ll when he was M inister for Im m igration (OZ. M arch, p, 9 ). M any of them were hardly more than children when they arrived here, m any of them w ere considered w orthy to w ear A ustralian uniform , some were elected officials of trade unions affiliated with M r C alw ell’s own party, m any of them m arried A ustralian girls and begot A ustralian children.

H aving been personally acquainted with some of M r Calwell’s deportees and some of the Aussie women and chil­ dren left to fend for themselves after M r Calwell deported their bread-win­ ners, fo r no offence except having a complexion slightly less deficient in melanin than his own, I switched a t the last general election from being a L abor voter of m any years’ standing to voting deliberately inform al, and shall continue to do so until given an opportunity to vote fo r some party th at has purged its leadership of people with N azi ideas.

And no doubt m ost electors who have no objection to N azi ideas will con­ tinue to vote fo r M r Menzies, “the devil they know .”

ARTHUR W. RUDK1N, Roseville East, N.S.W. Sir, Last year in m atriculation I took English Literature. Before the exam I was reading a copy of OZ. T h e exam, paper asked us to take a book that we had read and write an appreciation of it.

OZ was my only chance. I'm sure

su

BSCR IBE

Name Address □ I enclose £! for 12 months supply. □ I enclose 10/- for 6 m onths supply, of OZ. (Tick relevant square.)

Back copies: issues No. 2 -7 , 1 /each.

Send to O Z, 16 H unter Street, Sydney.

you would like m e to bull on and say th at I received honours.

I rem ain yours, “REPEAT MATRIC STUDENT,” Melbourne, Vie. Sir, M athematics has it th at there are 16 OZs in the pound. L ast week I bought 16 OZs and it cost m e £1/4/-.

Y ou lousy cheats.

Please find enclosed one stone for 224 OZs. “APOTHECARY,” Stanmore, N.S.W. Sir, One thing that irritates m e is the way in which you are so serious about your hum our. By this apparent paradox I mean th at although your satires are often amusing, one always senses a great deal of bitterness behind them .

It is as if you have been upset by som e­ thing (like the A ustralian N avy or A rthu r Calwell) and you sit down, crying salt tears, with the intention of holding it up to public m ockery in the m ost vicious way possible.

I think a “carefree” attitude to life’s problems would m ake a better editorial policy, under which you could treat everything in the nonchalant, detaehed m anner of Bob Ellis. Y o u r present atti­ tude shows through especially in the comm ents on censorship th at appear in every issue.

Y our “hu m o u r” is ex­ tremely bitter and sarcastic.

I realise that you two “angry young m en” feel very strongly on this point and w ant to com m unicate these feelings to your readers but, even though I agree with you. to have them forced upon my attention in the same unfunny m anner every m onth becomes annoying in the extreme. Everybody knows about our ridiculous censorship system and repeat­ ed criticism of it from a m inor p u b ­ lication will not affect it in any way.

Y our way of treating sex reflects the same attitude. One can im agine you two at an editorial conference saying th—t st—pi— V—ce “D -------n Squ— d, we’l— pr— rit s—x and sw ------- r w— ords j—st to sh—w they d —n ’t scar— us.” Y ou seem to want to print sex fo r sex’s sake. Y ou have a reputation for fearless journalism to keep up.

But you are cutting off your ------- - — — to spite your —•-------—. T he lengths th at you go to could m ean that you are fined for pornography so m uch that you are forced to stop publication and that w ould result in your not being able to say anything at all.

DAVID DALE, Coogee, N.S.W Sir, Well, I'rn still reading OZ, although I certainly w on’t write any m ore articles for you.

W hat disgusts me about OZ is your stupid tilting at authority, as evidenced in. e.g.. That was February. This type of thing merely shows your frustration, with your consequent need to “let off steam ."

This is w hy OZ will not be around long, because once you really get going you don’t know when to stop.

Y ou haven’t got your emotions under control and you will overstep the mark again shortly as a result.

A nother thing I think is th at you probably are inclined to print something to see just w hat you can get away with.

This com pulsion to prove something to yourself merely indicates how insecure you feel.

I ’ve got nothing at all against you or OZ. T here is nothing w rong with satire, but you m ust be very crafty and subtle about it—very sly, sneaky, underhanded and wily, and you m ust have an intui­ tion about w hat is going too far. W ith­ out being offensive, you are indeed very cunning and sly already, but it is the wrong type— a m ore or less inverted characteristic tied u p with hidden anger and covert hostility which needs an out­ let somewhere.

I could tell you for sure just what to do to get the best satirical magazine ever, but as I know you certainly wouldn't take any notice, i w ouldn’t tell you even if you asked me.

But maybe I can still suggest that you go easy on such things as sex and reli­ gion. T hat is like banging your head against a brick wall.

But suit yourselves. It doesn’t m atter at all to me. I only wish you all the best.

W ithout sarcasm, may I sign m yself: Sympathetically yours, JOHN JARRED. Sir, Congratulations on OZ No 7. It had the ingredients o f a cleverly compiled; hum orous m agazine with the outspoken satire m uch needed in o ur apathetic society. This is the form one has come to expect from OZ, as against No 6, which rather detracted from the usual OZ standard.

Anyone is capable of writing in a crude, vulgar fashion, but there are very few who have the ability to extract satire and hum our from everyday things and I feel it is in this field OZ features.

It is a sham e to see such lengthy bursts of vulgarity in an otherwise com­ mendable publication.

N o doubt .this was intentional, in order to prom ote OZ publicity and bring the name OZ into many new homes, using various media, the latest being Vogue Australia.

Surely the same results could be achieved through other m ethods, other than vulgarity and crudity?

J.S.O.M., Cremorne, N.S.W. Sir, Reading nelson's item on the Beatles last m onth I came upon an amazing statem ent by the British Prim e M inister: "Y outh could do some things better than age and vice.” This seemed to me to be a very odd statem ent even for that veteran clown "Home. Sweet F.A. H om e.”

Since nelson had taken the trouble to give the source from which he was quot­ ing (Syd. “T elegraph,” Feb. 17) I thought I m ight find out w hat had elicited this rem ark. You can imagine my disillusionment to find th at Sir Alec had actually said: “Y outh could do some things better than age and vice versa.”

W as this an extremely esoteric attem pt at a joke by nelson o r does he make a habit of quoting people out of context?

J. L. ROBERTSON, Blacktown, N.S.W. nelson rep lie s: An inexcusable piece of esoterica.

On Thursday, March 12 the Daily Mirror head­ lined allegations of promiscuity among boys and girls at a Sydney co-educational high school. The allega­ tions were made by the father of a 14-year-old fem ale pupil and based on the contents of his daughter’s diary.

Th girl and a boy mentioned in the diary were suspended from school.

-Two days later a small item appeared in the Mirror reporting that a 13-year-old boy had been found hanging from a clothesline in his backyard at Redfern. The paper omitted to report that this boy was the one who had just been expelled from school.

On the same day that the headline story appeared, a doctor from the Child W elfare Depart­ ment examined the girl and found her still a virgin.

O nce U pon A T ime . . . . . somewhere between 1890 and 1925 G.M.T. there was a lost continent called Australantis.

T he ruler of this land was the E m ­ peror Ming, who lived with his dynasty in a place called C anberra, behind the G reat Wall of Indifference. The Em peror Ming’s family had discovered A ustralantis while on holiday from Scotland and decided to stay. But the E m peror never forgot that he was Scottish, though he sometimes confused them with the English, both of whom are British.

A ustralantis belonged to an organisa­ tion called the Com m onwealth and in A ustraiantis there was a great deal of very common wealth, though the m em ­ bers of the Comm onwealth who had no wealth thought it uncom m only wealthy.

The British were the leaders of the Com ­ monwealth and had a museum called Buckingham Palace where they kept a lady who was supposed to be the leader of the Com m onwealth and old Ming thought she was a Faerie Queen.

H e liked this idea because it was unreal, and in A ustralantis everything that is unreal was real and everything real was indecent or a C om m unist plot.

T he only thing th at was unreal because it was real was th at the people of Aus­ tralantis had only a short dark history and no titles like Prince, D uke and Lord.

So they pretended. F o r the tru th was th at the people of A ustralantis were snobs and when they wanted to be snobby they copied the English and said they were British but when they were with the English they m ade out they were the people of Australantis.

Anyway the Queen of England liked canned fruit so her Ministers said “You better be. nice to old M ing so y o u ’ll get your canned fru it and woollies.

He

thinks yo u ’re the cat’s whiskers and if you keep in with him he m ight send some; cherry brandy fo r Charles and anyway we m ight need him again to go to Suez, or som ewhere." So the Queen came to A ustralantis sometimes when she needed a break and old Ming m ade an idiot of him self saying 7 only passed you soaring by, and y et I ’ll love you tilI I get raised to the. peerage, and blushing.

B ut it didn’t m ake any difference to the people of A ustralantis, cos every now and then when old M ing got bored he’d say “L e t’s have an election," which showed he w asn’t bothered.

F o r old Ming was a pretty sm art feller and he knew th a t if he just let anybody vote he might get throw n ou t so he said “M ake everybody vote’’ and even then he might still have got throw n out except that it’s n o t how m any people vote but where. A nd also you d o n’t just vote for who you w ant but for who you d o n ’t want; w hich m eans you m ight end u p getting who you didn’t w ant but w ho’s better than who you wanted even less.

M ost of the people of A ustralantis lived in a state. This was called New South Wales, or Nouvelles Galles du Sud (Alliance F ran cais), and its capi­ tal was called Sydney, or Syd, after the man w ho found it.

But a few people of A ustralantis cared about something. T hey got up and said “Australantis is asleep” but everyone said " Z z z z z ” o r “Crap” or rang their cash registers. So they w ent bon­ kers or abroad to E arls C ourt and some­ thing happened to them . Cos although they w ent to find freedom or culture they mostly found hungry birds w ho’d m igrated from Australantis.

They all got together and got all boozy and

chauvinistic and w ent round disseminat­ ing A ustralantism us, o r the m yth o f A us­ tralantis.

This was all about eternal sunlight and open spaces w here life was basic and m en were m en w ho all painted.

Society was classless; everyone was an individualist. Free thinking, vitality.

M en w ho looked like M urray Rose and talked like Chips Rafferty. W om en w ho looked like M urray Rose and Chips R af­ ferty. H ob-nobbing at corroborees with abos and R olf H arris.

A nd everyone believed it. So old M ing said “I t can all be yours fo r ten quid" and opened a house in the Strand in London, cos his foreign friend H en­ drik had told him “you need a bigger m ajority and if they're, dum b enough to vote fo r M acm illan they'll vote for you. A n d anyway yo u r Bantus m ight rise up" and thousands flocked to the house and paid £10 to be had.

T h en old M ing got them on boats and brought them to A ustralantis and they looked round and said "W here’s M urray R ose?” and M ing said “G one abroad,” so they said “W here’s Chips Rafferty?" and everyone laughed. So they asked w here all the sheep w ere and got a blank look. Lastly, they said “w ho are all these dreary conform ing little m en” and Ming went “Z zzz", so a w itty m i­ grant said, “T hey m ust be the m igrants” and everyone w ent off to read their handouts from A ustralantis H ouse and start wingeing about w hat a crum m y hole Syd was com pared to Scunthorpe and how everyone was bloody rude and how it was no t hot, just clammy, and how th e dole was pitifully inadequate, etc., etc.

But after a while they got jobs and their “blood thinned" (D. H . Lawrence) and they w ent to sleep and became people of A ustralantis. A nd in their sleep they heard cash registers ringing and at night they counted E-type Jaguars. Soon they had caught A ustralantitis.

Sim ultaneously stories about Earls C ourt got back to A ustralantis and the word w ent round “S ex is better abroad."

M ore and m ore people from A ustra­ lantis arrived in Earls C ourt, then more, and still more. A nd as they arrived they became A ustralantisians and spread A us­ tralantism us.

Some Englishmen said snidely "Those w ho can do, those who can’t come to Earls C ourt’’ b ut really it was travel status. A nd some English­ m en got so sick of meeting no-one but A ustralantisians they decided to go to Australantis.

All the time thousands of m igrants were dream ing ab o u t a past they never enjoyed and were joining forces with the people of A ustralantis and everyone said how Syd was “cosm opolitan” and “sophisticated” cos they now had a few G reek caffs. So they all started building baronial halls and calling everywhere.

Something Heights and driving E-type Jaguars and eventually there was noth­ ing in the papers except comics and social pages. A nd in time the lost con­ tinent was discovered and became known as N ew England, o r N ouveau Riche (de G au lle), though some say it ought to have been Olde England.

M eanwhile, under the immense weight of Earls C ourt, England, which had just got a socialist government, —KENNETH BANET.

OZ, April 5

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WANTED A typical Vice-Chancellor for an Austra­ lian University: Qualifications: W e are seeking a m an w ith no previo u s a d m in is ­ tra tiv e experience. T hough a w a re o f the lib e ra l h u m a n is tic values associated w ith a u n iv e rs ity — he m ust be p re p a re d to d itch them .

He sh o u ld be a u th o rita ria n in te m p e ra m e n t, repressive in o u t­ look.

Duties: The successful a p p lic a n t w ill be re q u ire d to m o d e l the u n iv e rs ity a lo n g the lines o f an efficient business o rg a n is a tio n a n d to b u ild up a p o w e rfu l a d ­ m in is tra tio n . A ve rs a tile code o f ethics is an asset. He is re q u ire d to seek h a n d -o u ts fro m business enterprises a n d bequests fro m p riv a te in d iv id u a ls .

He must be aloof from his aca­ demic staff, sensitive to public opinion, and utterly submissive to the political machine.

‘A U niversity,” said Disraeli, “is a place of light, liberty and learning,” and one w ould expect this triad of attributes to be personified in a U niversity’s ViceChancellor.

Although A ustralian V.-C’s are men of considerable learning, their behaviour is anti-liberal and their philosophy is u n ­ enlightened; as a brief glance at their record will confirm: Professor J. P. Baxter, part-tim e ViceChancellor of the U niversity of New South Wales (also C hairm an of Atomic Energy Commission). Lured into the U ni after spending most of adult life as Research M anager fo r I.C.I. Played a significant part in developm ent and stockpiling of Chemical W arfare agents during W orld W ar II. H ighlights from career include: *Classic “W ard” case.

Dr. Russell W ard was refused a post in H istory despite being recommended by the U niversity’s selection committee.

It is alleged that Baxter overrode their decision on the basis of a Com m on­ wealth security report. * Mass resignations by Professorial staff in protest against W ard affair and his “undem ocratic, unacadem ic” pro­ cedures. *The calling for his resignation plus a Royal Commission into Kensington by the student paper, T harunka. Baxter responded to criticism by seeking assur­ ance that such irresponsibility would not re-occur. ‘ Recently told press he w ould wel­ come a Vice Squad enquiry into “Gas Lash” incident.

Professor Stephen H. Roberts, aged V.-C. of Sydney University. Raised a storm last year when he instigated quota system for A sian students. Racial p re­ judice is consistent with his jingoistic, “sun will ne’er set . . . . ” attitude

displayed in his H istory text books.

He whitewashed B r i t i s h colonial­ ism with the phrase “forw ard m ove­ m ent”, once referred to H itler as . . . “ prim arily a dream er, a visionary. I am convinced, further th at all the brutal sides o f the m ovem ent pass him by”.

Obsessed with the U niversity’s public image. Will crush freedom of speech to calm an angry press: has banned sex symposia from O rientation Week, once prohibted a student-organised Lenny Bruce concert. Was also eager for Vice Squad probe into the ludicrous “Hambone” incident.

Sir Fred Schonell had the advantage over his predecessor at Brisbane by actually having attended a U niversity himself. Despite international reputation in field of education, appointm ent sur­ prising as his research had been con­ fined to prim ary school and backward children. Im m ediately entered into the spirit o f A ustralian Vice-Chancellorship by sacrificing scholastic principles for petty diplom acy (simultaneously pro­ viding a practical dem onstration of how to pass a backw ard student), V IZ.: an undergraduate from Thailand with a disastrous failure record, sat externally for deferred exams. Papers submitted were described as “ brilliant”— some dis­ playing techniques never even taught at the University. A stooge obviously did the paper. N orm ally T hai student would have been disqualified. N ot this one.

H e w as a relative of the T hai Prime M inister, so the paper was accepted, the degree awarded.

Student newspaper, when it’s not being suppressed (as it once was when a Professor’s article criticised the Queensland Education D epartm ent) is continually lam enting Schonell’s autho­ ritarian, wowserish adm inistration.

Sir F re d ’s latest attem pt to upstage his V.-C. rivals, is to decree that all

students m ust carry identification cards bearing their photographs. H is excuse?

“So the staff can get to know the students better”.

Sir George Paton leapt into print some years ago when he described a notorious Comm unist in the Sociology D epartm ent in M elbourne as being “som ewhat to the left”. “On the left of Stalin,” quipped U ni paper, Farrago.

Most insidious, yet typical aspect of the case was Sir G eorge’s instructions to all staff m em bers forbidding public com ­ ment of any sort.

L. G. Huxley o f A .N.U . will be re­ membered for his Reign o f T orpor, recently exemplified by his indecision over Brissenden’s request for “L olita”.

Like other V.-C’s h e’s scared stiff of C anberra’s M rs G rundy politicians.

P. S. I s le s : By accepting tainted Vice-Chancellorship o f Tasm ania, he trod where other less compromising, liberal academics were afraid to. In ­ difference to O rr prom pted students to announce a general strike (mass absence from lectures). M anoeuvre crippled by A dm inistration’s ruthless intim idation of student leaders.

Dr. J. A . I. Matheson (M onash U ni­ versity) once aggravated academics when he refused to allow R om an C atho­ lics to occupy a classroom fo r lunch­ time Mass. O pponents objected to his arb itrary discrim ination against a religi­ ous organisation.

H. B. Basten (Adelaide University) succumbed to political pressure when a newly appointed overseas lecturer was refused an entrance visa by the Im m i­ gration Minister. G loated Downer to Parliam ent: “Mr. Basten also made it clear . . . th at in his opinion the U ni­ versity would not desire to proceed further with the appointm ent of Mr. Brenner if the G overnm ent decided that there was a security risk.”

BANNED ANY j D ear Vice-Squad, A Kings Cross newsagent inform ed us that you stole 140 issues of OZ from his shop.

W e appreciate your interest in our little m agazine and presum e th at you seized them to give to your friends at work.

However, the tactics adopted by your agents do not really conform to the ethics or standards of behaviour one m ight expect from H er M ajesty’s guar­ dians of liberty and we therefore sug­ gest you take out an annual subscription fo r 140 copies at a special cu t rate of £139/10/-.

Y ours faithfully, THE EDITORS. F re d e ric k W eisenger o f P a d d in g to n w as recen tly fined £200 fo r h av in g in his possession p ro h ib ite d im p o rts — a n u m b e r o f b o o k s, m ag azin es an d p h o to g ra p h s classed as obscene w orks.

I t w as s ta te d in c o u rt th a t W eisenger h a d been receiving th e m fo r five years fro m a m an in E u ro p e a n d h a d k e p t th em fo r his ow n u se only.

T h u s f o r five y ears W eisenger h a d been “ d ep rav in g an d c o rru p tin g " only him self, until: ® P o stal D e p a rtm e n t officials in te r­ cep te d his m ail, • R ussell R oy K en n y o f th e Special In v estig atio n B ranch o f th e C u sto m s an d E xcise B ran ch w as called in to exam ine th e contents, • P olice a n d o th e r officials search ed W eisenger’s prem ises a n d discovered m o re o bscene tre asu re , (said one, “S om e o f th e p u b licatio n s a re know n to us, o th ers we have n o t seen here in A u stra lia ”), • S am ples of th e p u b lic atio n s an d p h o to g ra p h s w ere su b m itte d as exhibits to M r. J. C ra d d o c k , S.M .

N o w a dozen or so officials have been contam inated by M r. W eisenger’s obscene docum ents. Surely such risks are beyond the call o f duty?

The Kama Sutra “T h e question is b o u n d to be asked, ‘Is this p o rn o g ra p h y ? ’ T h is c an best be a n sw ered by asking to w h o m it is th a t p o rn ­ o g rap h y can ap p eal. S u rely it is only to th o se w hose ow n love lives a re unfulfilled a n d fru s ­ tra te d th ro u g h ig n o ran ce an d rep ressio n .

T h e aim o f th e K a m a S u tra is to re m o v e ig n o r­ an ce a n d repression a n d teach th e p o ssib le m eth o d s o f fu lfil­ m en t. T h u s th e p u b lic a tio n o f th e b o o k itself is a blow to th e existence o r possibility o f p o rn ­ o g rap h y . T h e te x t accep ts sexual desire as n a tu ra lly p re se n t an d explains how it m a y best be em p lo y ed .”

The Tim es Literary Supptem ent

Z r z T io o K

H i/M m r s

ITS ieN m t HbHTy

oob books* LATELY 7 As everyone knows, this sunburnt country is chilled by an extremely cen­ sorious climate. W hat less people under­ stand is W HY? OZ now discusses the question of censorship and its relation to our N ational character w ith two sociologists from the University of New South Wales: Professor M. Brown, who is head of the School of Sociology and Dean of the Faculty of Arts, and Mr. A. Vinsen, a senior tutor in the Sociology D epart­ ment. * OZ: Why is the sport of censorship A more popular here in A ustralia than 1 practically anywhere else in the world?

I Vinsen: Perhaps because more Australians live in urban communities and so learn acceptance of all types of direc­ tives—such as where and when to \ ....

Brown: But surely one could expect a greater degree of sophistication and freedom in the cities. There would be enough people of liberal outlook to . . .

Vinsen: Yes, but the reality of ‘urban dwelling' cuts across the Australian image of rugged individualism— we are forced to conform.

OZ: This conform ity may lead some to accept censorship— but why does it flourish in the first place?

Brown: Censorship is a continuation of the A ustralian Puritan Tradition.

J

Remem ber, a high proportion of our population is of Irish origin. N ot only did our population evolve from these ardent Catholics but also from earnest English Protestants, which perhaps accounts fo r o ur peculiar blend of Aus­ tralian Puritanism .

OZ: A re there any other explana­ tions?

Brown: Yes. You will notice that comm unity life never flourished here.

This is because A ustralians are en­ trenched in their family life.

This is im portant, because ultim ately the family life provides a source of happiness.

Now, any attacks on accepted sexual morality threaten this family.

Vinsen: A m erican studies have in­ dicated th at participation in extra­ fam ily activities encourages a greater degree of tolerance.

Brown: Sydney people are so reluc­ tant to forsake their suburban cottages that if one joins a num ber of local com ­ mittees he will recognise the same old fam iliar faces at each one.

A ustralians will, of course, have their weekly outing—but in a car dragging the inevitable family.

O Z: Is there any correlation between members of different income earning classes and their attitudes towards cen­ sorship?

Brown: Im possible to answer w ithout a thorough study. A lthough I am always amazed by the sheer gloominess of w ork­ ing-class clubs . . .

Vinsen: A nd also the self-imposed web of trivial regulations: “Y ou must wear a blue shirt . . . o r long pants,” etc. W hat’s m ore, these regulations are strictly enforced.

Brown: A nother contributing factor to the tradition o f puritanism is the A us­ tralian idealisation of women. In early “fro n tier” days there were vast armies of men leading a rough existence (on the goldfields for instance) and com­ pletely isolated from women.

When women intruded they were resented, though at the same time the men in­ sisted on respect and decorum .

Even nowadays in pubs, one sees the men yarning at the bar, restricting their be­ haviour w ithin the limits o f the bar­ m aids’ taste; she is always aware of her peculiar prestige.

O Z: H ow long will this puritanical outlook persist?

Vinsen: Perhaps now is the turning point.

Questions o f censorship are at last arousing public response. Usually it is very difficult to interest A ustralians in conflicts of any sort.

Brown: Except when the conflict threatens the fam ily. It is this national goal of a happy fam ily life th at breeds smug indifference to problems of sexual morality.

BUSINESS MEN

Take a d v a n ta g e o f the ViceS q u a d 's a n d Customs D e p a rt­ m ent's e x c itin g , efficient, co n ­ tro v e rs ia l,

ADVERTISING AGENCY

In a dram atic re-enactm ent of H itler’s famous “burning of the books”, Sydney police recently goose-stepped into a Kings Cross newsagency, seized, then burnt 140 copies of OZ N o. 6.

T his sizzling event symbolised the oftobserved ideological link between the colourful G estapo and our very own men in uniform . It had all the ingredi­ ents of typical dictatorial methods: “absurdity”—the seizure occurred on the very last day of current-issue; “secrecy”

—the publishers were never officially in­ formed o f the confiscation; “injustice”— the burden o f p roof was throw n on the shoulders of the bewildered newsagent who was asked to “ show cause” why they should not be burnt; “pressure tactics”—the move was aim ed at dis­ couraging other newsagents from dis­ tributing OZ. Keep up the good work, fellas. Soon everyone will be heiling you.

For o n ly a sm a ll b rib e yo u r sales w ill rocket. D on’t w aste m oney on d re a ry a d v e rtis e ­ m ents, just g iv e us a rin g , make a com plaint about your product, then w a tc h the h e a d ­ lines. Yes, w e are the p e o ple w h o m a d e "L o lita " the m ost w id e ly read b o o k in A u s tra ­ lia , w h o p u t "T h a ru n k a " on the m a p , a n d m a d e “ The G ro u p ” a m ust in every te e n ­ a g e r's hom e. T h a t’s not a ll— w e sta rte d the shimmy dance craze, p o p u la ris e d the ham bone, a n d (w ith a sly b u rn ­ ing) m a d e O Z a household w o rd .

Rem em ber, YOU c o m p la in , WE seize, the PRESS publicises, a n d SALES soar.

OZ EASTER BUNNIES Traditionally Easter is celebrated by the appearance of the bunnies. Amongst this month’s crop o f Easter bunnies, OZ has selected the following for blueribbon awards:—

to D ave A llen, fo r the hush-hush wedding that broke the sound barrier.

M arrying actress Judith Sto tt at Sydney Registry Office to keep it out o f the papers, he m anaged to appear in every one except OZ, which he now does.

to Mr. Rylah fo r his unusual vision: detecting a previously unobservable con­ nection between ‘T he G roup’ and . . . prostitute raffles, drug addiction, obscene, photographs.

"1 can always find the hidden links,” says this bunny, who has now earned the title o f ‘missing link R yla h ’.

to President Sukarno fo r washing other people’s dirty linen in public: said he ( when the T unku declined to chat about the, Malaysian dispute), "A ll right, if he does not w ant to talk 1 can­ not drag h im from his bedroom to sit down at a conference table." (S.M .H .

March t/7.)

to V Thant, biggest wheel in the in­ ternational set and chief prom oter o f international Thais, fo r sending U N troops into Cyprus. The military order was signed by no less an instrum ent than the, fam ous "plum e de m a Thant”.

Classifieds ( 1 5 / - p e r insertion) A

SM A L L group designing, constructing, experimenting with Hover vehicles in spare time wants a few more members. No professional mechanics, but yo u n g men with technical an d mechanical know -how and /or inclinations preferred. Contact ‘Hover-Craft’, c/- OZ, 16 Hunter Street, Sydney. ^ O M E copies of ‘noise’, first literary m aga^ zine of University of N.S.W, still avail­ able from Anchor Bookshop, Dymocks, Pocket Bookshop and Sw ains, Collins in Melbourne, M a ry M a rtin ’s in Adelaide.

I ^ O R SALE: V olksw agen 1959, reg. Sept. ’64. G ood tyres, m echanically perfect, £ 425. Phone 9 9 -2 7 4 1 , after hours.

Not wantinct t0 Too •4i/5T|;ALiAN5 FEEL THAT W e C A N P IC K A < jO O D M A M WHEN W f SEE

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SC£H£-'l^ingsio*.

MARCH

• • • Amateur theatricals have caught on with the local Sydney clergy in a big way lately. The Methodist Players were so successful with their lecent spectacle at the Lyceum (Rev. Alan Walker starred as Nero) that the Anglicans, not to be outdone, have opened a Church-in-theRound at St. Ives. Though few largescale productions will be attempted in these intimate surroundings, powerpacked method teaching and contem­ porary services (with a strong tendency towards the Church of the Absurd) will more than compensate for the lack of elaborate sets. Rumour has it that the producer is thinking of installing a re­ volving altar for a forthcoming musical version of “The Thomas a’Becket Story”.

*

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*

A re you there, John, M ary and Paul? asked Sydney Sunday M irror columnist, A lexander M acdonald. A re you still talking slow-m otion English fo r N ew Australians? H as John’s m o-tor car still got that punc-ture which it took about tw o w eeks o f earnest dialogue to fix last N ovem ber?

Presum ably, you know the trio, with their friend, Peter, inviting you to “Learn English With U s” on national radio?

“D id the nail pene-trate the in-ner tube.

Peter?" Yes, Paul, the nail pene-trated the in-ner tube. M ary, give Paul the pum p and span-ner. See, Paul, John is going to jack up the chas-sis." Pretty racy stuff while it lasted.

H ow are they? you ask.

We-11, Alex, John is still a-round. But Peter. Paul and M ary have shar-pened up th eir English and are now with BBCTV singing folk-songs on “H ulla-bal-oo” ! * * * The Americans are notorious for using initials instead of Christian names— FDR, JFK, LBJ, etc. But now, after all the centuries, it’s caught on in Britain, where they refer to the PM as ADH. A DH , to the physiologist, is the AntiDiuretic Hormone, responsible for re­ taining body water. Which figures— I always thought Sir Alec a bit wet.

*

*

A little Liston will fix it. *

*

*

*

Now is the hour for all good meji to go a-courting. Tennis-courting, I mean.

Even I am tuning up the old strings.

Out on the court before breakfast. I kick off with two hours of ground shots.

Then I stand up and put in some back­ hand practice. Then a little “volley a deux” .

Book-lovers love

The Anchor Bookshop The G rou p,

by M a ry

M cC arthy, 2 2 /6

(Perchance)

Y outh o f A n d re G id e , Jean D elay, 8 6 /9 The A g e o f H u m a n ism , A n d re C hastel, 2 2 7 /S a lin g e r— A C ritica l a n d Personal P o rtra it, Intro d u ce d and e d ite d b y H. A . G ru n w a ld , 4 9 /9 Jam es A gee on Film , 6 8 /W . H. A u d e n — The Dyer's H and a n d o th e r Essays, 6 5 /a n d th o u sa n d s o f o th e r books " o f lite ra ry m e rit” The Anchor Bookshop, Anchor House, corner of George and Bridge Streets (entrance in Bridge Street). Phone 2 7 -5 1 1 9

N et result? By July I should be the only tennis player left in A ustralia that hasn’t been outlawed by the LTAA. Can you think of an easier way o f spending the w inter in the States?

Statisticians tell us th a t two children is the norm al expectation fo r an A ustralian husband and wife. Such a nice num ber, do n ’t yo u think? T w o people have two children. T hey have carried out their duty and provided another generation to follow them . I f everybody m arried and had tw o children then there’d be no risk o f the hum an race ever dying out.

If you have no children at all or only one, there is obviously som ething terribly wrong. Poor Joan, she w ould have so loved to have had a big fam ily. B ut there yo u are .. .

T hree children is all right under ex­ tenuating circumstances. I t’s beginning to look as though y o u ’re breeding rath er than raising a family. But some.times it’s necessary: because they so wanted to have a little boy {or girl), you know.

F o u r children? Well, it’s all right for the Catholics. I mean, we all know they have special problems. B ut fo r an ordin­ ary, respectable woman . . . I think it’s a bit m uch.

N o, Elizabeth, you are not Victoria. r P H E M an W ith A ll the Answers for 1964 is R ear-A dm iral O. H . Becher, Flag Officer Com m anding the A ustralian Fleet, and the first witness at the Voyager Royal Commission.

His view appears to be th at nobody was to blame, nothing was amiss and no revision of naval procedure is necessi­ tated by w hat happened. In fact, this is just one of those unfortunate things that happen from tim e to time, even in the best-constituted naval circles.

Should the two ships have engaged in such a com plicated action? “It was not a difficult m anoeuvre.” But there was a good deal of risk involved? “I think the ■risk should be taken, particularly when two ships are working together. I t’s a good idea to train fo r war, fo r action."

Isn’t it true th a t some of the instrum ents were not perform ing properly? “Y ou never get perfection.’’ A nd the crew, isn't it true th at m any of them were not as adept as they should have been? “You have a few chiefs and a lot o f Indians."

A nd how about the ignorance of boat drill, the bolted hatches, the unavail­ ability of lifebelts? “You are not ex­ pected, sir, to have a collision." (Q uota­ tion of the m onth?)

If one believed Rear-A dm iral Becher, inaccurate signalling, incompetence, fatal errors, even collisions—th a t’s all in a year’s sailing, old man!

—nelson

THE BLOOD BATH’S FINE T N the last few years we’ve assimilated Italian espresso bars, A m erican bowl­ ing alleys, Swedish furnishing, a H ilton H otel and R estaurants specialising in such exotica as dhansak or jellied eels.

F o r th at we think we are terribly, terribly cosmopolitan!

But there are plenty m ore diversions to be im ported before we can smugly sit back and consider we’re keeping up w ith the gay International set.

W hen did you last loot an embassy, for instance? O r stone a legation? Or m arch on G overnm ent H ouse? A ustra­ lia is sadly lacking in a rioting tradition.

A part from an altercation at E ureka Stockade and Billy H ughes’ egg incident, w hat have we? A couple of embarrassed gatherings at M artin Place w ith uni­ versity students handing out pam phlets, th at’s what!

Consider all the fun those poor, back­ w ard C am bodians have been having: sacking British and A m erican consul­ ates, turning over cars (nice big glossy Rolls and Cadillacs—nothing as trite as a VW) and chanting charm ingly archaic N apoleonic battle-crys. N o t an inhibi­ tion left amongst the lot of them , I ’ll bet! T heir Prince N orodom knows how to keep his subjects loyal and tensionfree. “O ur youth m ust be under­ stood . . . ” h e said. A nd picked up the damages bill.

South Vietnam has barbecues; A la­ bama, night riding; Iran —even A fghan­ istan can raise a K urdish uprising or so.

A frica is tops fo r all kinds of actrocities.

Surely A ustralia can offer as m uch. O ur overseas reputation as a progressive country is at stake.

It’s no good m uttering things like “U n-B ritish” or “N ot p a rt of o u r AngloSaxon heritage”. T he English have a fine old rioting history. T ake W at T yler and his revolting peasants. O r the O.P. riots when the Covent G arden O pera raised their admission prices (the Elizabethan Trust, anyone?) and latterly, the Mosley rallies th at had the stolid London police hooting and rabbit-punching in a style that w ould gladden a Sydney DetectiveInspector’s heart.

So, if there is a patrio t left, this could be your finest hour. Pick an embassy, any embassy, and chuck a brick through their picture window. Picket your local State Em ploym ent Office. G ather your m ates and mass a t the M itchell Library, waving banners demanding ‘‘Fanny H ill” and “T he N aked Lunch". T here are

plenty of m inority groups to terrorise.

Campbell Street is teem ing with unW hite A ustralians th at m ust be a threat to the community.

A nd there’s be a great position vacant for the right ambitious, energetic reac­ tionary. The possibilities are limitless!

A ustralia m ust be one of the few places never to have had a real dinkum dic­ tatorship. The young dictator-on-the-wayup, already has a ready-m ade machinegun post in the middle of M artin Place.

A nd there m ust be hordes of lady-executives who w ould be quite capable of in­ troducing a N hu-look to the local scene.

Sounds m ore fun th at gate-crashing, no? The surf and stomp season is nearly at an end you’ll have to do som ething with your spare time.

O r m aybe the move has already start­ ed. A couple of weeks ago the Lyceum cinema-cum-mission was gutted by fire.

— S.H.

Round the World on a Limerick Grant Nichol CYPRUS There’s been mighty bloodshed fo r weeks (Is this what the archbishop seeks?)

The way freedom works, Greeks massacre, Turks A n d the T urks want to kill all the Greeks FORM OSA Chians; Kai-shek chases rainbows, no doubt H e wants to push M a o Tse-tung out On every occasion He threatens invasion H e raises his voice to a shout RED C H IN A When will our econom y bloom Like the flowers on Saint L en in ’s tomb?

Our brave Chairman M ao Tse Has the wisdom o f Lao-tse But I wish he had died in the womb U N IT E D STATES “Hello, Mrs. Oswald’s the name M y darling son Lee brought m e fam e / think he’s a hero To place beside N ero ’Tis always the great take, the blame"

Notice to university students O Z is offering a £ 7 / 1 0 / - cash p rire to the author of the best satirical item published in any Australian student newspaper, 1964.

O Z editors w ill m ake the selection and the w inning entry w ill be published in the Christmas issue of O Z. Every satirical item pub­ lished autom atically qualifies as an entry; there are no conditions of an y sort.

the 1

village square

the colum n o f lasting insignificance. b y J o h n W ilcock

F or F reed o m o f O p in io n The A m n e s ty m o vem e n t, says its broch u re , is com posed o f p e o p le o f a ll n a tio n a litie s , p o litic s , re lig io n s , a n d social v ie w s “ w h o are d e te rm in e d to w o rk to g e th e r in d efence o f fre e d o m o f th e m in d ” . The m o vem e n t, w h ic h b eg a n in London " a s a q u ix o tic p e r­ sonal p ro te s t” , is n o w in te rn a tio n a l, w ith m em bers in 3 5 c o un trie s. It w o rk s a t try in g to fre e p o litic a l priso n e rs (i.e ., those ja ile d fo r o p in io n s a t v a ria n c e w ith th e p o w e rs th a t be) a n d o ffe rin g c o n ta c t a n d reassurance to such priso n e rs in th e m e a n tim e .

The m ost e ffic ie n t system , A m n e s ty has fo u n d , is to o p e ra te th ro u g h g rou p s o f three w h ic h “ a d o p t” a p ris o n e r o r prisoners, u s u a lly those o f d iffe re n t id e o lo g ic a l b e lie fs . “ W e see o n ly m o d e ra te v irtu e in w o rk in g to b rin g o u t o f p riso n som eone w h o shares th e sam e p o in t o f v ie w ” .

A m n e s ty m e m be rsh ip s v a ry fro m three d o lla rs u p w a rd s , a n d g ro u p s or o rg a n is a tio n s a re e s p e c ia lly u rg e d to a ffilia te . The address (in fo rm a tio n is fre e ) is 1 M itre C ou rt B u ild ­ ings, Tem ple, London.

W ords, O n ly W ords . . . . . . .

In N e w Z e a la n d an o rg a n is a tio n c a lle d D e c o n ta m in a tio n Farms S ociety (Post O ffice Box 2 9 2 5 , W e llin g to n , N .Z .) is b u y in g la n d , e n ro llin g m em bers a n d m a k in g p lans to “ m a in ta in g e n e tic in te g r ity ” in the even t o f n ucle a r w a r .

Idea is th a t th e d iffe re n t co lo n ies w o u ld s ta y in touch a n d h e lp to re fe rtilis e th e w o r ld (in e v e ry sense o f the w o rd ) a fte r th e Bom b. . . . P la y b o y p u b ­ lis h e r H ugh H e fn e r, w ho se ethics a p p e a r to be fle x ib le (to open a c lu b in N e w O rle an s you m ust be se g re g a te d , so he w a s s e gre ­ g a te d ; to o pen a c lu b in NYC yo u p a y brib e s, so he p a id ), co n tin u e s his p re te n tio u s d e fin i­ tio n o f th e P la y b o y P h ilo so ph y fo r one m ore y a w n -ra is in g in s ta lm e n t (the sixth ) in the c u rre n t P la y b o y . Says a re a d e r in th e same issue: “ H e fn e r has a te rrific ta le n t fo r select­ ing the w o r ld ’ s la rg e s t boobs (I guess it takes one to k n o w one) . . . A n d , sp ea kin g o f bores, M a ile r ’s co lu m n in Esquire is n 't e x a c tly p y ro te c h n ic a l. . . .

U n d erstan d in g Y ou r N avel “ O n e m u st le a r n to a c c e p t th e n a v e l th e n av el c a n a c c e p t y o u . It is a b e a u tifu l tru th th a t y o u h a v e b u t o n e It is th e first tra u m a a n d yo u m u st it.” fro m “ U n d e r s ta n d in g Y o u r b y T o m Z ie g le r.

b e fo re s im p le , n a v e l. accept N a v e l” ,

A m y th ic a l p s y c h o lo g is t, Dr. H o tp o in t, be­ g a n to p o n d e r on w h e th e r the seat o f the p e rs o n a lity m ig h t be n o t th e co rte x b ut p o s s ib ly in an u nd isco vere d lo c a tio n . “ As he sat th in k in g , he id ly p la c e d his ind e x fin g e r in to his n a v e l a n d scratched his ear; s u d d e n ly co n ta c t w a s m ade. From his o v e r­ lo a d e d b e lly b u tto n th e re w a s a v e rita b le cascade o f tru th s g o in g in to Dr. H o tp o in t’s e a r” .

So runs the th e m e o f Tom Z ie g le r's book, “ U n d e rs ta n d in g Y o u r N a v e l" , w ith illu s tr a ­ tio n s b y H. H. B arnell o f e u p h o ria (flo w e rs in n a v e l), a g g re s s io n (s w a s tik a in d itto ), o c c u p a tio n a l th e ra p y (b e lly d an ce r), a n d others.

(By special arrangem ent w ith the ‘V illa g e Voice’, N e w York.)

Romeo & Juliet 64

Before the mast As the Voyager Royal Commission con­ tinues, the following facts emerge: • the night of the collision was clear and visibility extended fo r 20 miles.

• Voyager’s lifebelts were locked up be­ low decks, although some of the crew could not swim.

• few of the crew knew how to in ­ flate rafts.

• emergency lighting on Voyager pro b ­ ably did not work effectively.

• none of the escape hatches had span­ ners attached to enable them to be opened.

• there could have been occasions when no com petent person on the bridge of Melbourne was w atching Voyager.

• nobody gave a warning over the radio­ telephone to Voyager when it appeared that she would collide with Melbourne. ® tw o of Melbourne’s three powered cut­ ters were unserviceable when she went to Voyager’s assistance and the third was holed by the collision.

• Melbourne had only one whaler, in­ stead of two, and this one sank when crewmen tried to use it in the rescue. It had either fallen while being lowered or “someone had forgotten to put the bung in it”.

• the message sent from Melbourne to the N ow ra base fo r rescue craft after the collision involved an erro r of 180 de­ grees in the location of Voyager, pin­ pointing the site o f the collision some­ where between the coast and the Great Dividing Range.

• HMAS Stuart, a possible rescue ship only 14 miles away, was not told of the disaster until 79 minutes after the collision.

• C aptain Robertson, of Melbourne, dis­ cussed certain questions with RearA dm iral Becher before putting them to him at the Commission.

• Melbourne’s first officer of the watch admitted signing a collision report, pre­ pared by C aptain R obertson, before read­ ing or even seeing the body of the report.

T N a clearing somewhere in the rainforests of South-East Asia a dejected Indonesian youth, fighting back tears behind his sunglasses, confronts his Malaysian mistress: HE: It’s bad news, darling. The Presi­ dent says we’re going to crush you tom orrow .

SHE: B ut you said th at last week.

H E (weakly): I know.

SHE (almost annoyed): A nd the week before that.

HE (disappointed at the recollection): Yes. A nd the week before that.

SH E (hands on hips): In fact, ever since we first m et you’ve been going to crush us. (T rium phant) But you haven’t!

He: I know. But we A R E going to crush you this time. I didn’t feel up to it before. (Rousing himself) But to ­ m orrow I know everything'll be all right.

I think I ’ll just get u p early and go out and crush M alaysia before break­ fast.

SH E (scornful): A nd how exactly are you going to do T H A T ?

H E (annoyed at h er practicality): I d on’t know. Y ou just go out and crush.

Y ou know. (Waving his hands frenziedly) Crush, crush.

SHE: I t’s all right, darling, I didn’t m ean you to get worked up about it.

H E: N o, it’s all my fault. This terrible crushing responsibility is getting m e down.

I ’m n o t sure when the hour arrives th at I ’ll be able to do a good job. I ’m not a born crusher you know.

Crushing doesn’t come to m e the same way it comes to others. I can’t even rem em ber w hether we had special lec-

DISSENT live ly q u a rte rly on social a nd p o litica l a ffa irs

2 / 6 a t new sagents o r s u b scrip tio n a t 1 2 /- fo r 5 issues, £1 fo r 10 issues. W rite : DISSENT, Box 4 0 4 4 , G .P.O ., M e lb o u rn e .

tures on crushing at m ilitary college.

D o n ’t you need a crusher to crush with?

SH E: I expect so. So (scornfully) how will you know how to w ork them ?

H E : These things always have instruc­ tions w ith them. “The C rusher’s M anual” or som ething like that.

SHE: Sure, sure.

Remem ber that “H and G renade M anual” all in Russian?

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Actually, a coupon is a bit small to write in, so y o u ’d better print your name and address on a piece of paper, together with the number of S M C Power Caps you want. 8 / - for each cap. Please cross all cheques. W e pay return postage | and interstate exchange.

_ J

| | 1 *

It's a N aive Dom estic Burgundy w ithout Any Breeding, But I think you'll be amused by its Presumption.

Below are two lists: (1) in alphabetical order are nine popular Australian and British wines; (2) numerically arranged is an appreciation o f their merits by OZ connoisseurs; now you have to match the descriptions with the brand names.

Thus, is Queen Elizabeth Burgundy a “thoroughbred wine with a certain finesse and austerity” (1) or “a wine with lots of body, voluptuous, well nourished and full of flesh” (2) or some other more apt description? Answer honestly and you’ll know whether to accept the next invitation to a wine tasting. You will also learn your social adjustability, your word power, general intelligence and whether you’re Ringo Starr’s ideal date.

MAX 1M S f

b. Bob H ughes C apri W h ite . c. Eric Baum e Plonk.

V in ta g e p re -w a r.

V in ta g e 1900.

d. Sir Robert M enzies M e lb o u rn e Dry Red. e. Little P attie Baby B u b b ly.

V in ta g e p o s t-w a r, a b o u t 1949.

f. C atherine S idney Im p o rte d British C h a m p a g n e . g. C herry B utlin O lo ro so Sherry.

V in ta g e

h. S enator H enty O ld Crusted Port. i.

M ich a el P lant L ie b fra u m lic h .

Reputedly a thoroughbred wine with • a certain finesse and austerity. Its production is a long and expensive busi­ ness, and this accounts fo r its com para­ tively high price. However, this par­ ticular vintage seems som ewhat anaemic, even frigid, and fails to fill the m outh.

It is a wine of prelude rath er than climax, with m ore fizz th an sparkle.

Definitely not yet ready for general consumption.

1

A wine with lots of body, . voluptu•< ous, well-nourished and full of flesh.

It is noted for its heady, fruity bouquet, w hich promises real generosity.

U n­ fortunately, it is inclined to coarsen and soon loses its first lush bloom, becom ­ ing alm ost tart. N o m atter how rich the parent soil, fine wines don’t come from middle-class vines.

Its exquisite colour and perfum e . m ake this a wine for all art lovers, especially men!

It minces lyrically across the palate, delighting one with its subtle yet racy elegance. However, its constitution is not robust and it has little lasting power. A beverage for the m ore vacuous social occasions only.

This wine has been m aturing slowly • fo r so long it has become quite senile. It lacks depth of colour and has developed an unpleasant rust-like tinge.

Though m ost ports stim ulate geniality and bonhomie, this variety inhibits such feeling by the sense o f pseudo m oral righteousness it induces. A thin, puny brew, finding favour only amongst the eldest of statesmen.

This very popular wine is somewhat • frisky in its youth, b u t m anages to finish its life gracefully. It is o f robust constitution and exudes great charm and urbanity. But behind all this the expert can detect a hint of the m ore pedestrian qualities of industrial alcohol.

2

3

5

This is a light, frisky little wine, ad6finesse, • mittedly w ithout m uch elegance oi b u t spirited and sprightly.

It m atures very quickly; unfortunately it has little lasting power. Indeed, it is often flat and toneless. Definitely no t a wine for the sophisticate.

An

inferior

and

V in ta g e 1943.

1939.

V in ta g e u n k n o w n .

V in ta g e d o e sn ’t help.

4

W here w ill I ta k e her □ h im □ it □ to n ig h t? To M A X IM S n a tu ra lly . W here else can you e n jo y delicio u s Piza, b le n d e d w ith w a rm , h o m e ­ g ro w n , fo lk singers? Yes, i t ’s th e sam e pie th a t a ttra cts a m illio n P iza-m aniacs to Rome every w in te r, th e sam e fo lk m usic th a t packs W a s h in g to n S quare every Sunday.

M A X IM S has o n ly a teeny w e e n y (2 /-) cover charge, and th e m ost ro m a n tic lo ca tio n in S ydney: N e w p o rt. Come a lo n g — if yo u s w im , la n d on the southern side o f the beach; if you d riv e , p a rk in B arrenjoey Road.

V in ta g e 1894.

comm onplace

7 > wine, thick-set, flabby and coarse.

It is indescribably dull and completely lacking in any charm . U nfortunately it

possesses two very strident qualities: an unforgettably unpleasant bouquet and the ability to live fo r years w ithout los­ ing its initial raw vigour. A plebeian wine fo r sub-plebeian tastes.

A n im m ature wine, rath er acid and green. It has an alert, lively bouquet, but the connoisseur is ap t to be dis­ appointed by a closer acquaintance. F o r its complexity of composition reveals instability rather than sublety.

One’s final judgm ent m ust be th at it is a skimpy, m eagre and puny wine despite its princely reputation in some circles.

8•

robust and prolific sort of 9* A wine.

Full-bodied in its youth, but becomes m ore fleshily fat with age. It is usually rather badly turned out and anaem ic in character. Notwithstanding, it is generally considered a thorough­ bred. We personally feel th at it lacks any radiance, despite expert opinion to the contrary.

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