Remembering mother

Remembering Mother

By Lim Kim Tong 21 December 2017 

Š Copyright 2017 by Lim Kim Tong All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

Typeface used: Georgia

Introduction ......................................................................................................4 Mother’s Last Days ............................................................................................5 We are thankful that our mother … ..................................................................6 Memories of Mother ..........................................................................................7 Protecting the environment for the next generation........................................ 8 Emptiness ..........................................................................................................9 End of Chapter.................................................................................................10 Remembering my mother 77 (七七) ................................................................11 Closure – mother’s personal items of values ..................................................12 Being the Youngest in the Family.................................................................... 13 Mother’s Day in May 2017............................................................................... 14 Mother, Mother, Li Ho Bo* .............................................................................15

Introduction

My mother used to say, “What is the use of living to be so old?” in Hokkien. She had her wish on 17 October 2017. She departed in the morning after her usual morning meal. I wasn’t with her that Tuesday morning because I was still in Hanoi with my family and was scheduled to return in the night.

My mother spared me the image of her at her death bed.

Two months had passed. The funeral was over. We are moving along with our lives without my mother around. The following is a collection of my my blog posts written with the raw emotion on a particular day.

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20 October 2017

Mother’s Last Days On 14 May 2017, my brothers and sister celebrated Mother’s Day at her home.

We also celebrated her 93rd birthday. It was the last time we see her happy and able to eat. In four months, her health took a drastic turn.

When her domestic helper went home for a two-week break from 3 September to 17 September, we realised that her health deteriorated substantially and she was unable to sit up for long. She had difficulty swallowing her food and to drink water. She was bed ridden most of the time. Bathing her required two persons.

One domestic helper could not do it alone.

Since my mother stayed alone with the domestic helper, opportunity arose for all siblings to take turn to look after my mother during the absence of the domestic helper. We were glad that we did so. In exactly one month from 17 September, my mother passed on peacefully on 17 October at her home. I was away in Hanoi and my family came back on the midnight of 17 October. We were thankful to my mother for we did not have to cut short our holidays.

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21 October 2017

We are thankful that our mother … … nurtured us and raised us to be responsible children … believed that education is important, even she had not been to school herself … told us to focus on study and asked us to study hard for examinations … took us to clinic very early in mornings when we fall sick to wait in queue … cooked me a simple meal to bring to school for recess … chose not to burden us by staying on in her rental flat all these years … was thoughtful and left us to lead our own lives the way we wanted … left a bequest for each children and no one was left out.

She spared me the trauma of seeing her last moment at home while my family was on the last day in Hanoi. We flew back that night.

We will always remember her for being there for us.

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22 October 2017

Memories of Mother Mother lived through a difficult period of the Japanese Occupation. Young girls of her time must get married to avoid being harassed by the Japanese soldiers. It was a blind marriage without courtship. All she was shown was a picture of my father in his younger days. Little did she realised that my father was 15 years older than her. This marriage lasted till 1999 when my father passed away. She lived on for another 18 years and departed recently at a good age of 93 years old.

Mother in her times had no opportunity to go to school. She knew the value of education and had put us through schools. We could not be where we are without her. Education helps us to lead a comfortable lives than she had experienced.

Mother was the most thrifty person I knew. Because of Japanese Occupation, she encountered days of scarcity and hardships. She would always tell us to switch off the lights in the rooms to save electricity. Even when she was confined to her bed in the past month, she would point her finger to the lights indicating her instruction to switch them off.

Mother sewed her own clothes. Even with so many clothes in the cupboard, she would only wear a few, then washed them and wore again. She would mend them and still continued to wear them.

Mother may not know the theories of finance, but she knew how to save money and manage it. She put her money in several banks (to avoid a run on a bank). She set up a bank account for each of her children and ensured that the accounts were joint-alternate account (and/or bank account). We could transact on the account should she pass away.

We learned from her to save for rainy days.

Mother was way ahead in planning what we should to do on her death. There is no second guessing. We normally would not want to talk about death. But not her. She made her wishes known early on. She planned for her end many years back. She had her picture ready and the clothing she wanted to wear. She let us know the type of funeral rites she wanted, how many days of wake, and the rest of the other decisions were left to my eldest brother in the family. She even paid for a niche in a temple and a tablet space in another temple way back when they were still relatively cheaper. This is forward planning. So when it came, it was smooth execution. We thanked her for being thoughtful.

The end came swiftly. It did not drag on and in a matter of one month when her conditions deteriorated she left us quietly at her own home. We could not wish for any better.

Thank you mother.

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29 October 2017

Protecting the environment for the next generation We were clearing out the rental flat that my mother stayed in for most part of her life. This flat must be returned to HDB after her passing.

My mother belonged to a generation that knew what was scarcity. She knew money was hard to come by. My father who earned a living as a trishaw rider could not give her a life of luxury. Whatever she owned became her prized possessions. She kept them and would not entertain the thought of throwing them away or giving them up to the karang guni man.

Among the many items in her house, she had teakwood dressing table and wardrobe and a foot-pedaled sewing machine. These items were at least seventy years old that were around since her marriage. They are still in good conditions.

By not replacing them with the latest fashionable products, it meant that manufacturer had one less item to make thus saving resources of this earth.

My mother sewed her own clothes, from inner wear to outerwear. When we bought new tops and pants, she would keep them. She rather wore her old clothes made by her. Even when she grew fat for the clothes, she would cut and expand it at the seams with added material. We found out that she had so many colourful clothes when we were clearing her wardrobes.

Another behaviour of her that showed her mentality of having lived through scarcity was her obsession with switching off lights in the house. She would always ask us to switch off the lights in the rooms to save electricity. It meant money spent to have the lights on. When she was confined to her bed in her last days, she would point to the ceiling light telling us to switch it off.

My mother may not understand environmental protection, but her actions facilitated towards that end. Modern society has changed all that. Let’s do some things for our next generation before it is too late.

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31 October 2017

Emptiness The house is bare. You can hear echo in the rooms. The mechanised bed is gone. So is the sofa set. Her prized possession, a 70-year old sewing machine and her antique wardrobe were given up to someone who treasures them.

We bade farewell to her domestic helper, who took care of her for eight years, at Changi Airport this afternoon.

Soon the flat she stayed in for years will be returned to HDB. It hit you to realise that this is not a dream. That emptiness feeling of someone who had been with you all your life is no longer here.

What made this transition easier to accept was that my older brothers and sister were there for each other. They shared in the load of managing the closures and administrative necessities without any complaints. There were no tussles or squabbles.

We felt happy for my mother. It was time for her. She will be remembered.

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31 October 2017

End of Chapter Today is the day when the flat is returned to HDB. Since 17 October in two weeks, the rental flat of my mother was cleared out and returned to HDB. This was the house where we went to visit her often. This was the house for the many CNY reunions with my mother and the four generations coming together. With her gone and the flat gone too, the last of the major tangible thing to remember her just disappeared.

We are now back to three generations with my three brothers and a sister in the first layer.

I am thankful that we are together looking out for each other. I am the youngest in the family. Between my eldest brother and I, we are eleven years apart. We are all above 60 years old and we are proud of it. I know my siblings are dependable. See how we did our parts in clearing up the house and all matters connected with our mother most efficiently.

It is an end of a chapter and I am feeling the impact gradually. This is life.

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4 December 2017

Remembering my mother 77 (七七) Today is 49th day. 7th week of my mother’s passing. Memory of my mother had faded a bit until I saw her photograph again today…

My mother wanted Buddhist rites. Today is the last rite at Buddhist Lodge for her. The next time round will be Qing Ming Festival (清明节).

Putting her years beside her name in the family tree, gave me a feeling of finality on this earth. I will not be an exception.

What was left of my mother is my memory of her. She had been good to all of us. She had been thoughtful and considerate.

This is how I will remember her.

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16 December 2017

Closure – mother’s personal items of values The family came together today to do one thing: to distribute whatever items of values to all family members of my mother. Mother had no will drawn up. The task was left to my eldest brother who is now the oldest in the family.

Mother did not have substantial wealth to start with. I respect my mother for being shrewd in financial matters. She saved her money with different banks. She did not spend freely or take on debts. Periodically, she would go to jewelers to buy pure gold and keep them. One such item is 60-gram gold bracelet from Poh Heng Goldsmiths bought in 1977 at S$812. That was 40 years ago with gold price still quite low. It is now worth about S$3,200. She also kept old Singapore currency notes. One example was the orchid series signed by Lim Kim San, the first Minister for Finance after Singapore’s Independence.

Mother left enough items for every member of her four-generation family. Each of us has something to remember her by. On top of that, the family did not have to contribute for her funeral expenses. She had enough savings and collections at her wake to cover them and at the same time there were still some money left behind for each of her sons and daughter.

The amounts may not be much but we will remember her for not burdening us with her funeral expenses. With this distribution, we had a closure of all outstanding matters relating to my mother. We would treasure her bequests.

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17 December 2017

Being the Youngest in the Family I am 60. But I feel young among my brothers and sister because I am the youngest in my family of five siblings. The gap between my eldest brother and I is eleven years. By rank, I will always be the youngest.

Being the youngest has several advantages. The chief one is that the responsibility of making family decisions would not fall on me. My older siblings will naturally take over.

The most important recent decision was the funeral arrangement of our mother. My eldest brother consulted with us and made all the final decisions on behalf of all of us. I saw how we gel together without the unpleasantness or unhappiness.

I could remain as passive as I wanted. It was not expected of me to take a lead. I am most happy to follow. It is even easier when I know that my siblings are planners, organisers and goal-getters. They have the hearts to do the right things. Things will be alright!

When I was growing up and still in schools, I could look towards my brothers and sister to support me. They were there for me. I realised only recently that my eldest brother was still concerned that he had suggested a wrong secondary school for me. After all these years, he still asked me whether Gan Eng Seng School (GESS) was a right choice for me.

Back then I was considering both RI and GESS. I told him that it was my final decision and not his to select Gan Eng Seng School. Perhaps, he felt I could make it in RI. But I turned out alright with the chosen path.

Another advantage of being the youngest was that my family finances improved when it was my time to go to the local university. My brothers and sister had already started to work and contributed to the family income. I did not have to do that. My education progression was not disrupted.

On reflection, I was very thankful to have older brothers and sister. They continue to be supportive and I know deep in my heart that they will always be there for me. Similarly, I will always be there for them!

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Before all these

Mother’s Day in May 2017 We celebrated Mother’s Day on 14 May 2017. My mother was still well and able to sit up. It would be her last time we saw her in better health. After that, her health deteriorated rapidly. In five months, she passed away on 17 October 2017.

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13 May 2017

Mother, Mother, Li Ho Bo* Mother cannot hear me clearly now.

I cannot call you on the phone like I used to in the past.

I use my hands and gestures to communicate with you now.

To know how you are, I have to make a trip to your home.

You would brighten up with a smile when I stepped into your home.

When I was about to leave, you would say why not stay a bit longer?

I promised that I would come by the following week.

Then, your house would only have you and your domestic helper.

Age has caught up with mother and your children are no longer young.

We are parents now to our own child.

This is the circle of life.

When I was growing up, I took your care for granted.

Showing gratitude is not something I express well.

It is in this Asian culture, I feel awkward to openly express love and gratitude.

But what I can say is that you are in my mind stream – May you be well and happy! *Li

Ho Bo is in Hokkien to mean “How are you?”

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