April onion

Totally real headlines

Teachers who are most likely to...

by Sydney Rosinsky

By Julia Breukelman

New principal is really good at making tacos, worked at Taco Bell on Louise Lincoln to remodel pool in basement from student tears Man resists arrest, did not want to take a nap Seniors petition to spend more time reading in ad room LHS math teacher, Jansen, downloads Tinder

Travis Aukerman be investigated by the FBI

Katie Kroeze Record themsleves to “juju on that beat”

Eric Rice drop a stack on Rogaine

Steve Ortmeier be a Harry Potter character

Mary Coyne eat spaghetti-O’s out of a Ziploc baggie

Joshua Smith bail a student out of jail

Van Veldhuizen bench presses over 300 pounds only using his thumbs LHS administration blocks Tetris, students’ protest is similar to Ferguson

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Breaking News

Sue Bull and Sara Klawonn have split after a nasty fight ensued over Benedict Cumberbatch.

The biggest breakup since Brangelina. After nearly a decade, Jansen and Rice have called it quits.

“Jaws” and Scott Embry have called it quits and now it is rumored that there is a budding relationship between Jansen and Jaws.

Jared Jansen have worn headgear as a child

Matt Daly be stuck in high school

Steve Blankenship be Slenderman PHOTOS BY KARLI SOYLAND AND BAYLIE EMBRY

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THE BIG CROC DEBATE

See you later alligator

MOLLY MCINTYRE $34.99 plus shipping and handling. That is how much it will take to reinvent your style.

You can get them in any color you can imagine. At this cheap price, you can buy multiple pairs to match your different outfits. You can be the coolest kid at school when you wear your Crocs.

Weighing in anywhere from 500 to 2,200 pounds, these Crocs will make a statement when you walk down the hall.

Their sharp teeth and their cold-bloodedness can almost guarantee that you can score the head cheerleader or star quarterback as your prom date.

Crocs can survive a long time without eating, and even when they do, they eat healthy meals that contain various fish and birds, so you are practically guaranteed to lose some weight in these flame kicks.

When Crocs are on land, they can run up to 22 miles per hour and you can become the BY

next track star as long as they do not find their way to the water.

They release heat through their mouths instead of having sweat glands, so you

will never be sweaty.

Crocs are extremely practical. These reptiles are so fashionable you will become just as, if not more popular than Ellie Lamberty.

Contrary to popular belief, their scales are very comfortable. There is nothing negative about these beautiful creatures.

It is time for you to go grab your own and not listen to a word Sydney Danielle Rosinsky has to say.

In a while crocodile

SYDNEY ROSINSKY Have you ever heard of the infamous, water-thriving Crocodylinae? I am positive you have.

Better known for its street name, the crocodile is responsible for millions of deaths (both h u - man and animal), throughout the BY

world.

Need I remind you of the Croc problem in Florida?

The Croc problem in Florida seemed to be more intense around five years ago. This is when they struck the market.

Everywhere you look, you could see middle school students sporting these disgusting, foam-like clogs. Most people were seen with Crocs near open bodies of

water. Very, very dangerous. Not only are they absolutely revolting shoes to look at, they are also avid killers of humans and animals alike.

The term “crocodile tears” is used to describe an insincere act of being sad. There is an ancient belief that crocodiles, in order to lure their prey, would ‘weep’. So basically, crocodiles are fake and if you wear Crocs you too are fake. Anyone seen wear wearing holey-clogs should n o t be taken seriously and should honestly go back to the body of water that they came from. No one wants them here.

Crocs are extremely un unpractical. Not only would you look as fake as Carson Coulter and Elma Sahuric’s relationship, you would also get made fun of by your peers. The best advice I can give you is to not support the Croc. Whether seen on land or water, these things are deadly.

Also do not listen to a thing Molly McIntyre has to say about this subject.

NEED A PASS?

TOOK TOO LONG IN THE BATHROOM? KISSING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN THE HALL? YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR A PARKING SPOT? HAD TO CATCH UP ON THE LATEST DRAKE ALBUM? NO PROBLEM! THE STATESMAN HAS YOU COVERED!

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EXTRAORINARY PEOPLE ATTEND ORDINARY SCHOOL As everyone knows, LHS is known for the famous singers that went there. From Shawn Mendes, to Justin Bieber and more. LHS has been home to many, many celebrities and has contributed to their fame.

Without LHS, these celebrities would be nothing more than just ordinary people.

Vegard and Bard Ylvisaker were the dynamic duo of LHS. They started off song-writing young and by high school they had a couple songs already written. The brothers were always curious about different situations going on around LHS. All the songs were catchy and loved by all the students at LHS. LHS students had loved the Ylvis brothers’ music and begged for more songs. Then one day, the brothers got an idea.

BY RILEY RASMUSSEN “Lincoln was fun and all but who really stood out to me was the principal, Val Fox,” said V. Ylvisaker. “Back then, in 1870, Fox was quiet and mysterious. The LHS staff and students had always wondered one thing about Fox. It drove everyone crazy not knowing.

She was the guardian angel of Lincoln but always hiding in her office. Will we ever know?

Will we ever find out? Everyone had wondered, what does the Fox say?”

Justin Bieber was always lacking in his academics during his time at LHS. He would always ask the question “What do you mean?” to his teachers.

He could never understand the reason teachers would nod their head ‘yes’ but they want to say ‘no’ to the answers on his homework. Although Bieber

did not specialize in academics at LHS, he did specialize in getting girls, not really.

“There was the girl and she was my first love,” said Bieber.

“I know she loved me and I know she cared. She was my love and my heart. We could never ever be apart in the classroom. Then she told me, ‘We are just friends, leave me alone.’ I was crushed. My first love broke my heart for the first time. Now I’m all gone.”

LHS has caused a lot of damage and inspiration. If you need ideas on where to go to high school, come to LHS. It’s the best.

PHOTOS PROVIDED BY GOOGLE PUBLIC USE

Spaghetti kids: the unknown culture

BY

ABBIE GRIFFIN

Kids at LHS seem to be a part of almost anything and everything: bowling, fishing club or the fight club some kids call Statesman. But what about the kids behind the scenes, the ones that are forgotten? The spaghetti kids. These kids are the unknown gems of LHS and they deserve to have their story told.

Whether it is hanging out for hours in the cage after Mrs. Fox has told them to leave 10 times already, showing extreme amounts of PDA in the hallways or wearing no shoes around the classroom, spaghetti kids have a very unique culture.

“My culture consists of the color black, unnecessary public hugging and our anime collection,” said LHS junior Tommy Anderson.

But most students who hear of these undiscovered kids really wonder how they got their

This Taffy will make you laffy BY

MOLLY MCINTYRE

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky Who's in charge of the corn?

The Kernel When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty Where does a penguin keep his money? In a snow bank What has no legs but can do a split? A banana When do you stop at green and go at red? When eating a water watermelon What kind of tree grows in you hand? A palm tree What planet is like a circus?

Saturn- it has three rings Did you hear the joke about the toilet? Never mind it's too dirty

PHOTO PROVIDED BY GOOGLE PUBLIC USE

name. Have they always been called spaghetti kids, or did that name originate over time? Well according to spaghetti kid expert Molly McIntyre, spaghetti kids have been at LHS for years but no one has known what to call them. That was until one lone soul took action.

“My people are the combination ‘larp’ers and anime experts,” said Anderson. “We got the name spaghetti kids after I put some leftover spaghetti in my pocket for a classroom snack.”

After staying in the dark for years, some spaghetti kids are having a hard time adjusting to the fame and being in the spotlight. Not everyone is able to understand their culture but to them, this is just another day of being a spaghetti kid.

“My family is against my hobbies,” said Anderson.

“Sometimes they just don’t get why Korean is the greatest language. I think my family is pretty normal but I’ll always be their little ‘one of a kind.’”

How do you get a peanut to laugh? You crack it up What goes tick-tock woofwoof? A watchdog How do you mend a broken jack o'lantern? With a pump pumpkin patch

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MOVING HISTORIC “MEME”ORIES MEMES BY

GLORY YOUNT

Helen Keller meets her childhood hero, Beyonce. (1924)

President John F. Kennedy poses for a photo with his wife, JacqueThe King’s Guards watching the Official Royal line, before heading to the Dealy in the United Kingdom. (1904, ColorResidence Plaza in Dallas, TX. (1963) ized)

President Abraham Lincoln enjoying his last play at Ford’s Theatre in Washington D.C. (April 14, 1865.

Colorized.)

Abraham Lincoln standing by the entrance of the high school he attended. (1864)

Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain performing “Heart Shaped Box” in Munich, Germany.

1936 track Olympian Cornelius Johnson crossing the finish line. (1936)