February 2022 by Link Magazine

FEBRUARY 2022 |

SEX & ROMANCE

Illustration by Midori Haraguchi

love love. Yes, this is why I fought off my coworkers to write this month’s intro! My entire life I’ve been the character that falls in love with strangers at bus stops, grocery stores, cafes, gas stations, and even recycling depots. I’m notorious for running into stationary objects that seem to vanish when I’m daydreaming—so almost always—and I can spend weeks isolated in my room religiously devouring poetry and binging rom-coms.

In all honesty though, if my family and close friends didn’t occasionally drag me out, I’m convinced that I wouldn’t know what real love is like. Media commonly portrays relationships in a very linear, unchanging light. While new content is starting to push boundaries of how love is shown, there’s still so much more to it than what we understand. Ancient Greeks tried to define love by separating it into eight categories:

Agape – Unconditional, universal, selfless: Compassionate love that is held for everyone, universally now known as kindness Eros – Romantic, sexual: Most recognized in the early stages of a new relationship, the intoxicating and thrilling feelings that we know as passion and attraction Philia – Affectionate, deep friendship: The type of love that presents itself in deep, long-lasting connections, modernly known as platonic love Philautia – Self-love, self-compassion: Crucial for building confidence and self-esteem, plays a significant role in how we view the world, or how RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Storge – Familiar, familial: Compassionate, protective love that is deeply grounded in memory, often shared between family, close family friends, or childhood friends Pragma – Enduring, practical: Rooted in duty and commitment, this love is developed in arranged marriages, long-term relationships, and lifelong partnerships Ludus – Playful, flirtatious, fun: The non-committal type of love that is present in the very early “crush” stages of a relationship, characterized by laughing, teasing, and the feeling of butterflies Mania – Obsessive, over-attachment: Usually present in toxic or co-dependent relationships where an imbalance of affection causes one person to be overly invested

These aren't fully inclusive of what love really is, but when combined with a bit of self-awareness, they offer a good starting point. As you read through this issue I encourage you to push yourself to explore. Take notes of which articles you connect with and reflect on what it might be about them that cause your heart to beat faster. At the very least, I hope that we’re able to identify which forms of love we’ve been desperately searching for. Be daring, stay vulnerable. We’ll find it.

All the love, Stephanie Bohn, Associate Editor

ISSN 0715-5247 (Print) ISSN 2562-3257 (Online)

We feature exceptional people in our community, big ideas in a changing world, and evolving social dialogue. We welcome writers, photographers and artists of all backgrounds and abilities. Our purpose is to provide a collaborative platform for student expression, and to connect you with one another’s stories and experiences. Printed editions are distributed to all five BCIT campuses & additional content is published online at linkbcit.ca

Cover Art by Midori Haraguchi STAFF

Jonah van Driesum, Senior Editor Christy Chan, Associate Editor Stephanie Bohn, Associate Editor Cali McTavish, Associate Editor Shaleeta Harrison, Publications Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

Midori Haraguchi (illustrated p. 1-3, 24-25), Dani Kent (designed p. 4-5), Youssef Habib, Puli Duangtip, Jasper Chu, Astrid Agbayani, Tara Chloe Dusanj

Have an idea? Contact us! editor@linkbcit.ca | linkbcit.ca

Link Magazine would like to respectfully acknowledge that it is printed and distributed on the traditional & unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples.

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R & Sex

Forgotten (for now)

Sexual Assault Resources

The Intersection of Acro Yoga & Polyamory

Love Beyond Faith

Little Sister's Book & Art Emporium Review

Stripper Diaries: Working the Vancouver Sex Scene

Love Languages

Two Poems

Kegels: How We View Sex & Relationships

Love by the Stars

FEBRAUY2022

When A Gentleman Calls

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In This Issue

Forgotten (for now). Stephanie Bohn

7–Disregard

Lack of thoughtful attention or due regard. My parents took me to the dentist for the first time. I am a quiet kid. I’m easily startled by new surroundings, but I think I adjusted well to the new space. The assistant was kind and put cartoons on the TV to entertain me while I waited for the dentist. I giggled happily as I watched the characters on the screen. But, when the dentist walked in, my attitude changed. Mom had told me that I should never be alone with a man. Men were dangerous. The dentist was a man.

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I screamed and cried until the dental assistant came back into the room. She told me that my mom was across the street at the grocery store and would be back shortly. Every time the assistant left the room, I screamed again. I think they asked her to stay so that they could finish my cleaning.

16–Amnesia

Partial or total loss of memory, usually resulting from shock, psychological disturbance, brain injury, or illness. He is so sweet to me; meets me between classes so we can spend more time together, brings me flowers and takes me out to dinner. He bought me a heart shaped necklace today. I’ll wear it every day to show my classmates that I’m special. I love that he’s older. He understands the world and is excited teach me about how things work. We spent eight months in bliss, but I ended things because I wanted to spend more time with my friends. The breakup lasted longer than the relationship. He found me after school at least once a week and made heroic attempts to win me back. He said he couldn’t live without me and some days I believed him. Those were the worst days for me– the days that I gave him some of my life so that he could carry on.

20–Incomprehension

Lack of comprehension or understanding. I felt chilled the moment he sat next to me. There were so many other available seats on the bus, why did he have to sit there? I tried to focus on my book as my stomach growled. “What are you reading?”

34–Oblivescense

I prayed I was just hungry as I politely showed him the front cover, exchanging no words. What was I going to eat when I got home? I was down to my last cans of tuna. “Must be good if you can’t take a break to talk to me.”

Shaking from anger, I ran from the office. Tears rolled down my face as my feet hit the pavement. No one could understand why the compliment had disturbed me. I honestly didn’t understand it myself; I usually loved when someone appreciated my appearance.

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Her story mirrored my own.

"Sorry, I just love reading. Have a good day."

Out of breath and emotionally exhausted, I let myself rest at the corner. I’m not sure how much time passed before she approached me. Absentmindedly, I accepted her cigarette, grateful for her presence. Her slurred words attempted to hide the passion and anger of her life story. The pieces that slipped through should have bounced off of my body and shattered on the pavement beneath my feet. But, instead, each buried deep beneath my skin: afraid. isolated. irritated. guilty. pissed. insecure. heavy. broken.

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I couldn’t focus on reading anymore but was too exhausted to hold a conversation. So, I started to slowly run my gaze over the pages; focusing on simplicity of the words and each of their letters, appreciating how each character had something to offer to the bigger picture. “Everyone these days is too good for me.” Only three more stops. I regretted sitting in the seat close to the window. I’ll sit on the outside next time. “Do you think you’re too good for me?” There were two more stops until I could move, I waited one more before I replied,

An act or the process of forgetting.

Sexual Assault Resources Sexual assault is any sexual contact that happens without the consent of all people involved, and it affects everyone differently. At least 11 million Canadians fifteen or older have been physically or sexually assaulted. Sexual assault affects women disproportionately (30% of women are affected vs. 8% of men). Sexual assault is a traumatic and isolating experience, and help is available. Here are a few supportive resources to keep in mind:

For Immediate Care and Attention

The immediate aftermath of a violent attack can often require medical attention. The Vancouver General Hospital and the UBC Hospital Urgent Care ward both provide specialized care for sexual assault and abuse victims and can help connect you with police and mental health services.

Vancouver General Hospital

899 W 12th Avenue, Vancouver BC Emergency Open 24 Hours Phone: 604-875-4111

Burnaby General Hospital

3935 Kincaid Street, Burnaby BC Emergency Open 24 Hours Phone: 604-434-4211

UBC Hospital Urgent Care

2211 Wesbrook Mall UBC Hospital, Vancouver BC Daily 8:00am to 10:00pm Phone: 604-822-7121

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Edmonds Urgent Primary Care

#201-7315 Edmonds St, Burnaby BC Weekdays 5:00pm to 9:00pm Saturdays 2:00pm to 8:00pm Sundays 12:00pm to 6:00pm Phone: 604-519-3787

Gender-Specialized Care

Services focused on helping women, LGBTQ+ and POC communities by providing counselling and health services. They can also assist with police contact and legal support if you choose to file action against an assailant.

WAVAW Rape Crisis Support Centre Confidential Physical Location 24 Hour Support Line Phone: 604-255-6344

Men who are sexually assaulted can face intense levels of societal stigma. In turn, many men will choose to hide what happened to them instead of seeking help. That is why the BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Assault focuses exclusively of supporting men. The society offers counselling, help filing police reports, and assistance organizing healthcare support.

BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Assault 3126 W Broadway, Vancouver BC Daily 9:00am to 5:00pm Phone: 604-682-6482

Aftercare

If you are trying to figure out what your immediate legal options are in the aftermath of a sexual assault or abusive relationship, the BC Government offers Victim Link. It is a 24 hour confidential service that allows you to explore your options from seeking police action to getting a restraining order and more. If you are not sure what you want to do, this is a good tool to listen to professional advice.

VictimLink BC

24 Hour Support Line Phone: 1-800-563-0808

803 W 12th Ave, Vancouver BC Daily 7:30am to 11:00pm Phone: 604-675-3700

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Vancouver Access and Assessment Centre

FEBRUARY 2022

Traumatic experiences can take time (sometimes years) to be fully recognized. Whether you are considering self-coping mechanisms or have been using them to manage past events for years, it’s never too late to talk to someone. Sometimes, we just need another person to act as a backboard for our thoughts and feelings. The Access and Assessment Center (AAC) at Vancouver General Hospital acts as a central access point for all mental health and substance use concerns. From here, the AAC can recommend any further services if needed.

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intersection of acro yoga & polyamory Cali McTavish

Which came first, acro or polyamory? In many major cities around the world, a community exists that is characterized by connection, trust, vulnerability, openness, and play. Members have said this community is an easy place to make new friends because of the nature of the shared activity: acrobatic (acro) yoga. “Acro yoga is essentially lifting a person up and going through different poses, postures and transitions,” says Matt Bagshaw.

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Polyamory is best understood by breaking it down in to its two root words: “poly” meaning “many,” and “amore” meaning love. Polyamory refers to anyone who is dating multiple people at the same time whether sexually, romantically, or both. Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, where both partners have agreed to explore relationships—romantic or sexual—outside of their own.

FEBRUARY 2022

Bagshaw, who has been practicing yoga for almost ten years across the US describes acro yoga as yoga that is done with a partner, where a series of poses flow one into the next. “It takes a certain level of trust to have somebody lift you up. And through that trust there's vulnerability… people tend to build a connection.” Often, that connection leads to more than friendship. Polyamory is frequently found within the acro yoga community.

According to Bagshaw, different forms of non-monogamy are common in many acro yoga communities. He met his current partner through acro yoga, and says he was attracted to polyamory because it offered the opportunity to connect with people in different ways than he connected with his primary partner. “Not to downplay the relationship with my primary partner, but we as humans are changing and evolving. It is unrealistic, in my opinion, to have your main partner fulfill all of your needs,” he says.

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Another long-time acro yoga enthusiast, Valtterri Rantala, says he has experienced a high correlation between acro yoga and polyamory. “I've been dating some poly people, which has been liberating for me. They’ve got a boyfriend and we get to hang out and

hook up, but I don't have to be the primary partner because I don't have the emotional capacity right now to be anyone's primary partner.” Poppy Eilish has also been part of the acro yoga community for many years and has been exploring different forms of ethical non-monogamy for most of that time. She believes that the connection between acro yoga and polyamory forms because acro yoga forces you to express your wants, needs, and boundaries—critical skills for any form of non-monogamy. “When you start training with multiple people, you're bringing in elements of jealousy and trust and all of the conversations that go with that. So I think that encourages self-awareness, and that leads to having the tools for alternative relationships,” says Eilish.

the connection between acro yoga and polyamory forms because acro yoga forces you to express your wants, needs, and boundaries

Eilish agrees. “I've certainly had and heard of plenty of experiences where people think they're agreeing to training, and then realize that there's an expecta-

FEBRUARY 2022

“I can guarantee many [women] will have had one of those interactions where they felt uncomfortable because people were making unwanted approaches,” says Bagshaw.

According to Eilish, the perpetuation of polyamory in acro yoga may simply come down to exposure. “If people join, maybe they haven't been exposed to [polyamory] even just as an option before,” she says. “So then they're seeing different ways that you can love and have relationships, whether they're romantic or sexual, and it gets you thinking and valuing different forms of love and friendships.”

All four acknowledged that the acro community doesn’t always get it right.

tion of something sexual.” She says it is the responsibility of the individual and of the community to be careful to avoid this “exchange expectation.”

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Acro enthusiast Quinn Anderson reflected on how doing acro yoga could lead some to question monogamy. “Even if you're monogamous, you still develop like a certain level of comfort touching a lot of other people, and it just becomes very normalized. I think in some ways this can start to break down the idea that touching people who aren't your partner is bad.”

Love Beyond Faith

Aastha Pandey

But I was also afraid. I had seen first-hand how my cousin was treated for marrying a man outside of our faith. Her parents and the rest of the community shunned her. People taunted her and said unpleasant things in front and behind her back. She lived her life on her own terms, and as proud as I was of her for choosing that, I knew I didn’t have the strength for it.

“Let’s meet him,” dad added. Mom stayed silent. My dad reassured my mom and said, “I think it’s time us parents open up our minds and put our faith in our children instead of our religion.” My mom nodded. I can still remember how loud the silence in our living room was that night, it was the most nervous I had been in a very long time. They met Hussein the next day. My mom who hadn’t said a word when I was talking about Hussein, somehow had a million things to ask him. After spending a good amount of time with Hussein that day, and the rest of the week, they saw how happy he made me, and it finally felt like nothing else mattered. Both my parent took their time, but eventually put their faith aside and gave us their blessing. “He’s such a good man, consider yourself lucky and don’t lose this Aastha,” my mom said.

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I was a typical Hindu Brahmin girl who didn’t eat beef and fasted on Tuesdays and Sundays. Hussein was a typical Muslim boy who had never touched alcohol or pork and lead a very halal life. My name “Aastha” means faith, and comes right out of the Bhagavad Gita, and his name “Hussein” is the name of an Imam straight out of the Quran. The night Hussein asked me to be his girlfriend I made it very clear to him that we had no future beyond us dating casually. I could not imagine taking a relationship outside of my faith seriously.

“If you’re bringing up a person outside of our faith and wanting to introduce him to us, he must clearly be very important to you,” my dad said. My mom on the other hand, was quiet.

Hussein and I met in our first year of university and were assigned to the same dorms. We ended up chatting all night and were so immersed in each other, that we still don’t remember how we ended up exchanging numbers. He still tells me that he knew that night he was going to marry me. Me? Not so much, I was VERY apprehensive.

Hussein and I dated for 4 years, wrestling with our respective faiths, and different cultural backgrounds before I finally decided to tell my parents about him. I told them the week they came to attend my graduation. When I told them, they were both in shock and a tad bit disappointed. When asked what they were disappointed about, my mom said “Aastha, we expected you to be studying, not dating random guys.” I assured my parents that Hussein was not any random guy. They were worried, they had their reservations, they had a lot of things they wanted to say but they kept it together and listened instead.

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I grew up in Beijing in a Nepali Hindu Brahmin household. From a very young age I was taught not to date anyone, and if I did have the audacity to do so, there was a very simple rule: date and marry a Nepali Brahmin Boy. It sounded simple to the community I belong to, but it wasn’t easy. I was attending an international school in Beijing and moved to Vancouver at the age of 18, I don’t know how I was meant to find a Nepali Brahmin boy. Still, I would’ve never imagined I’d one day marry a Palestinian Shia Muslim boy.

Soon enough, Hussein and I moved in together. But just when we thought we were going to be living freely, we were faced with another dilemma. Even though my parents didn’t mind us moving in, they were afraid of their families and how people would react to their daughter living with someone she’s not married to.

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So for four more years we kept our relationship secret from my extended family. But eventually of course, they found out. My parents thought the best thing to do was for us to have a quick court marriage. We had talked about getting married eventually in the future, and a quick court marriage was not what we’d pictured. In the end, my family wore us down and we agreed to sign some papers so my community would approve of us living together.

We don’t regret one bit of that decision, but we are definitely upset that our friends and family weren’t able to attend such an important milestone. We caved because we were so tired of hiding. I know that I’m very lucky to have gotten to marry the love of my life, but I just can’t understand why something as pure and simple as our love for one another was such a threat to my community. Hussein and I are happy that we are now able to live freely, and we’re planning a big fat Nepali celebration for our first-year anniversary this coming year.

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FEBRUARY 2022

little sister's Book & Art Emporium

Review by Stephanie Bohn

FEBRUARY 2022

I honestly didn’t believe a solution existed until someone suggested I check out Little Sister’s Book and Art Emporium. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I canceled my (non-existent) Friday night plans and skipped over.

Overall, I was very satisfied with both the variety of products and customer service. The staff was extremely helpful – offering to take products out of packages if testers were unavailable and answering my questions better than Google could have. I’m certain that if you walked into Little Sister’s accidentally, the staff would make you feel so comfortable you’d believe you’d walked into something as innocent as a café. So, if you’ve been hesitant to splurge on yourself, try some of the samples at Little Sister’s until you find your new favourite treat.

I’ve also never heard anyone call adult toys “affordable,” and with top products running upwards of $100, it’s too expensive to experiment. So where do we go from here? Many of us, myself included, try to discretely do our research where we already feel most comfortable—on the internet. But there’s so much selection online that I often get overwhelmed and instead end up turning to Vogue or Cosmo for help. In those articles I read about “mind-blowing” tools that will “change my life.” But I’m the kind of person that rolls my eyes at doctors who suggest weight loss is going to make me happier. So how am I supposed to trust that some stranger knows what’s going to make me feel good?

Original owners Bruce Smyth and his late partner, Jim Deva, first opened Little Sister’s in 1983 with the vision of creating a friendly, non-judgmental space in their community. Since then, the shop has survived decades of challenges, including years of government harassment and three anti-gay terrorist bombings. Now located on Davie Street between Jervis and Bute, the shop thrives as a community space for everyone. Little Sister’s has a huge variety of products including clothing, pins, party favours, reading material, and, of course, toys. They have everything sex-related that you could think about wanting and have test models available for toys so that you can see if you like them firsthand.

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Since everyone’s body is unique and there’s a huge difference in preferences, we’re left to adventure into the world of pleasure on our own. If you’ve ever walked into one of those sketchy adult stores that seem to just pop up on the side of the road for a couple of months before vanishing, you know that trying to find a new way to have fun isn’t always a fun experience. (Shout-out to the male employees at sex shops who like to remind you that toys will never be as satisfying as the real thing. Gross.)

Stripper Diaries:

what it’s like working the Vancouver sex scene

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There’s a lot of mystery surrounding the sex industry. Historically, it’s been considered either a sacred or a disgraceful profession depending on the culture. Although stigma exists here today, many sex workers see their job as a source of pride and empowerment. I talked to two strippers, Porsche and Demi, to hear their take on the Vancouver sex industry.

Demi started stripping in 2019. She began in Alberta which has strict stripping regulations (no nudity, no body contact). Three months later, when COVID hit, she had to turn to online sex work to continue earning. When strip clubs reopened in BC, she moved to Vancouver to pursue stripping full time. “I don’t enjoy it (online sex work) at all. I feel like there’s more emotional labor in that than there is in the club. Having keyboard warriors telling you that you’re bad at your job becomes very grueling. [At the stripclub] I talk to someone and if they disrespect me, or our energies don’t vibe, or I don’t feel safe, I’m allowed to just get up and walk away.”

Porsche, who’s been stripping full time for ten years, relied on savings and government support to get by when clubs shut down. “A lot of girls quit entirely, some went into online sex work, some started doing private parties, some had to start doing full service.* But there’s a lot of girls who didn’t want to transition to that.” Like Demi, many sex workers turned to online platforms to make money during the lockdown. OnlyFans is a website where customers pay content creators a monthly subscription to receive content, in this case online sex services.

“There’s nights where you go home with $150 after working 13 hours. Bruising your body, scraping your knees, breaking your bones. But it balances out because there’s nights where I can make what I used to make in two weeks as a retail manager.”

Though it is possible to fully support yourself working as a stripper, the pay is by no means steady. Workers often have several jobs, or rely on government support to make ends meet.

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“I do notice, especially during COVID that girls look at stripping and sex work as easy money because it is normalized through media. They’re like ‘oh yeah that looks so much fun. I could do that’. And it is fun, but it’s also a really hard industry. And that is never shown.”

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“There’s now an influx of new girls coming to stripping now that the clubs are opening back up. A lot of these girls are from OnlyFans or are escorts who’ve never worked a strip club. It’s another stream of income to sex workers in the city. You should've seen this club last June when they reopened back up. They’d have like 30 VIP girls working the floor and five girls on stage.”

*full service is when sex workers perform sex in all forms

“You can have a really shitty night and make next to no money, and your best friend could pay her rent for the next three months. A lot of people don’t like that uncertainty.”

“You give about 40% of your money to the club. A lot of the money goes to the establishment, goes to pay the bouncer, pays the bartenders, tips all the people that take care of me. Whereas escorting, if you don’t have a pimp, you keep all the money you make. But this is more fun, more positive.” The media has played a big role in normalizing sex work. Movies like Hustlers, with big names like Cardi B and Jennifer Lopez, have brought this industry to a wider audience that wouldn’t have normally considered visiting or working at strip clubs.

“The nature of strip clubs are changing where there's more female customers, there’s younger customers. People go to strip clubs to hang out and party with their friends, which is good because there’s less stigma. On the flipside, people aren’t coming explicitly to spend money. They’re coming to drink and party with their friends so there’s a downside to that.”

Despite being considered less of a taboo in society, there’s still a stigma surrounding the sex industry. “People don’t realize that the second you walk into a strip club with the intention to work, you are going to be judged. You’re gonna be stigmatized. You’re gonna be objectified. It is such a fucking cliche when girls think that this is an empowering job.”

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“The first time we opened up after the initial lockdown, there was a person that went to Brandy’s who then tested positive [for COVID-19] and the way that the media covered it was not fair at all. Really blaming the club and the industry when actually this person flew in from Toronto, and he was here for three days. As if Brandy’s was the only bar that he went to. So the way that they spun it was pretty fucked.”

Although many believe that sex work will always be subject to condemnation, there has been a lot of progress in how society views this industry. For now, these women have found a sense of pride and identity in their work. “Stripping is an amazing, creative performance and art. We’re lucky enough that we’re in an industry that has been able to thrive. People are always going to want to pay for sexual services and entertainment. Sex workers are pretty resiliant, we can find work anywhere.”

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It was another ordinary day after a church event when they first met. The brown-haired girl with a cute smile caught Josh's attention. Similarly, Cynthia, found herself attracted to the nicely dressed gentleman. It was evident that they were intrigued by each other at first glance, but they took no moves that day. The two met again soon after at a café where Josh worked as an assistant manager. Cynthia regularly stopped for a coffee and later volunteered at the shop. They were impressed with each other’s qualities; Josh was hard-working, kind, compassionate, Cynthia humble, considerate, and responsible. After one year of being good friends and seeing different aspects of each other, Josh realized that he wanted to be more than just coworkers. He wanted to get to know Cynthia better. That was the summer Josh decided to ask her out.

Josh's love languages are physical touch and quality time. It makes him happy when they are holding hands and hugging each other. Cynthia's love languages are quality time and acts of service. The fact that he shows up for her and surprises her with food means a lot to her. She likes that he always puts away his phone when they are together so that they can focus on each other.

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Their personalities matched perfectly. She plans, and he acts. They share common interests; he loves coffee, she loves coffee. Both love eating food and exploring the city.

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words and photography by Puli Duangtip

Love Languages

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It is in every moment we both foresee our whole lives have the future together. We enjoy spending time together and get excited whenever the other is at our side —Josh & Cynthia

As BCIT students, we all know how overwhelming it can be. A regular friccday date night with Cynthia motivates Josh to stay on top of his studying schedule so he can have a good time with her every week. He prioritizes this quality time and manages his time carefully between working, studying, and building their relationship. Even if it's a busy week, having a date night to work towards gives them both the motivation to accomplish their weekday tasks. I would be lying if I told you that they have a perfect relationship, free of conflict. We are all human. Nevertheless, communication is key. Cynthia is a thinker, and it takes time for her to process her thoughts. After some time with Josh, she's learned to let him know that she needs time to think. Josh respects her space and is willing to talk whenever Cynthia is ready.

It means a lot to them when they can support one another through thick and thin. Josh and Cynthia are mature and communicate based on understanding and empathy. When they have a conflict, they will talk to each other first to solve the problem. If it doesn't work out, they will give each other time to think about it. They will ask for advice from family-member. Sometimes they talk with their friends regarding their friend's relationship since we all will get a clearer perspective when we are out of the circle. When I first met Josh in our class he drew my attention; I wondered who the lucky girl was dating this nice guy. But after meeting Cynthia, I realized they both are so blessed to find each other. It's hard to find someone who truly understands you, accepts you unconditionally, supports you, and loves you as you. Together they form a great team.

Josh and Cynthia also have a shared Instagram account for their coffee explorations. I often save their posts so I can visit their suggested places (if the BCIT schedule doesn't make me drown).

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Their Instagram account is @ourcoffeechapters (They often have giveaways!)

gold baby Every partner that has passed Did not introduce as dangerous No warning signs, no obvious intent They approached with curiosity Captivated at first Drawn in by my lightness and my laugh They saw good And kindness And love Thought that if they could just hold me They could keep some for themselves And, I cannot blame them for wanting to drive deeper into my darkness As if they were mining With hopes of finding pure gold They wanted to illuminate their lives In places where they couldn’t have But, it’s not my purpose to hold them while they strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and Strike. Damp matches don’t ignite.

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Illustration by Midori Haraguchi

tuesday We spent the last two nights together in his bed rarely lying still My body aches today Lined with small bruises where he had grasped Vivid reminders me of how he had ached To form a connection Without exchanging a word We both had pretended for so long To not need someone else When we desperately craved another It was fun watching him learn Timidly teasing me Before bending my body Confidently pushing me past Any limits I had dreamed of. And, I couldn’t get enough.

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Just kept finding my way back silently begging him to rip the stitches off trusting my shakes and shivers would say more than my words.

When

A Gentleman

Calls

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Astrid Agbayani

I’m the only person from my friend group that hasn’t found a stable relationship through an app.

Finding Mr. Right

One of my matches, let’s call him James, seemed like a nice guy. We started off by chatting about how the pandemic had affected us, diving into discussions about mental health, recurring life patterns, and trauma—things we had learned more about while the world was on fire. As nervous as I was, I soon agreed to a phone call. We had spent days chatting and decided it would be nice to actually speak instead of spending our time typing away. The first few minutes of our call went well. He was very attentive and reaffirmed what I had said before continuing the conversation with open-ended questions. Then, he asked me for my ethnicity. I explained that I had grown up in the Philippines and that my family migrated to Canada when I was 20. He listened intently but as he shared his experience in Manila, I felt the conversation shift. James had been to the capital once for business and heard that terrorists “lived in the area and could wreak havoc at any

Our conversation flowed back to the topic of mental health. While discussing podcasts, he became patronizing and assumed that I didn’t listen to any. He then reviewed my dating profile, muttering my interests as he scrolled through: “ahh… computer games… anime… graphic novels…” He was commenting on how my interests were juvenile compared to his. James then remembered that I had mentioned I was changing careers and starting to pursue journalism, and he took a minute to remind me that we were in notably different places in life. While he restated his focus on accumulating property, I recalled how he had previously texted his admiration for my bravery to pursue what I wanted in my career. I knew that the conversation was going nowhere, but he went on, asking me what I was looking for. James reminded me that his profile stated he was looking to get married, and while mine said I was open to anything, he again noted that we were “clearly looking for different things.” I’d been wanting the conversation to end long before he said what was on my mind: this was already over. But when he suggested that we remain friends and try to “wingman” for each other, I couldn’t help but ask what his type was. “Someone tall. In their 30s. I prefer East Asians— Chinese or Korean.”

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In hindsight, my optimism seems naive.

Trying to save anything that might be left from our conversation, I asked him about his background and childhood experiences, but he wasn’t open to answering the same questions he had asked of me.

I thought dating apps would be more straightforward than awkward in-person interactions. Creating a profile would automatically filter out matches that weren’t going to be great for me, and from there, I could create a shortlist of people that might match me best. With all this done before we even met, I figured it would be easier to talk about what mattered most to us when we finally did connect.

time.” When I tried to tell him that this wasn’t true, he disregarded my experience and insisted that he was right because his tour guide had mentioned it.

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Online dating apps are extremely popular. Originally drawing users in by offering a way to filter through potential matches, now they keep us engaged by offering convenient connection in an increasingly virtual world.

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I guess I was the wrong kind of Asian. Recognizing Wrong.

When I finally took the plunge into online dating, I wasn’t expecting a grand romance, but I also wasn’t expecting to be confronted with the racism I’ve already dealt with in real life. According to a Cornell University study, it’s not the apps that make people racist. Instead, racism flourishes in these online spaces because their interfaces allow users to act on their unconscious racial biases without questioning themselves. As a result, those “preferences” are normalized without recognizing their discriminatory nature. This one-off experience with James took me longer to process than any other mismatch, and it turns out I’m not alone in feeling this. Research from the University of Illinois says that the rejection of a fellow person of colour evokes a particularly painful response. It’s more painful when you’ve been able to relate to a person of similar background.

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After reading this research, I realized it wasn’t just the phone call that shocked me. The experience had subconsciously triggered memories of previous racist encounters from my life—being screamed at on the bus, ostracized at a workplace, being passed over for work promotions, or becoming someone’s last resort. The experience

also made me realize that the same parameters I had set to find my best match had contributed to my pain. Like James, I wasn’t immune to my own internalized biases. I let myself measure other people through algorithms and quantitative qualities, automatically filtering out matches that I may have entertained offline. Even if these swipe-based apps try to overhaul their designs to be more racially inclusive, there will still be a lot of work to encourage users to hold themselves accountable to their prejudices. The emotional labour of having to confront these microaggressions and the subtle (sometimes overt) racism online while balancing school and social life made me realize my priorities. You won’t see me on dating apps any time soon—but if I do decide to jump back in, you’ll probably catch me frozen on a profile, questioning my own inherent bias before swiping right.

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What have you enjoyed most so far about your career with LifeLabs? I enjoy the community. I enjoy orientations with new hires, spending time with students and also finding new ways to train our employees that make learning more fun.

To learn more about our career opportunities visit LifeLabs.com For any questions, please email us at careers@lifelabs.com

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BCIT Med Lab Sciences Program, Class of 2016

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Sarah Ivey Learning and Development Specialist for Quality and Regulatory Affairs

kegels

Slut-Shaming and How We View Sex & Relationships

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Stephanie Bohn

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There is a group of muscles that surround your hips that you must strengthen to skate well!

My figure skating coach, enthusiastic as always, shouted to my class. “Pull your belly button towards your tailbone, hinge forward from your hips, and squeeze your butt muscles. You should practice strengthening these areas every day! Contract your muscles for three seconds, relax for three, and repeat. Very similar to kegels!!” At the mention of kegels, the class broke into nervous laughter. Granted, we’re all different ages and many of us are just starting to understand our bodies, but why does the idea of practicing pelvic floor exercises make us giggle nervously? Kegels are intended to strengthen the muscles that support the uterus, bladder, small intestine and rectum. Muscles that support important systems within the human body. But, at some point, kegels were sexualized, and we haven’t moved past that. As a society, we’ve developed. Media has exposed us to more sexual content than ever before; It’s as if the internet has dragged possibilities out from behind closed doors. But those doors were never locked. Sex, kinks, and fetishes have always existed, they’re

just easier to access now. Unfortunately, with the increased access, we’ve also found more ways to judge each other for our preferences. Slut shaming is the practice of criticizing people who have violated societal expectations of behaviour and/or appearances. It glorifies certain aspects of sexuality while condemning others. Some things, other than kegels, that I’ve found to be condemned by our society include: Dark tights, heels, bra straps, Halloween, high socks, bananas, lollipops, popsicles, school uniforms, crop tops, shorts, skirts, pigtails, breastfeeding, birth control, eye contact, collar bones, lips, smiling, laughing, pouting, glaring, making eye contact, avoiding eye contact, walking, running, jumping, sitting still… Existing. When we are criticized (or criticize others) for the things that bring us joy, the walls of the space we exist in start to close in on us. We feel threatened and choose to either fight the inquisitions that threaten our happiness or “run” by trying to change who we naturally are. Staying within this psychological response mode for prolonged periods can cause extreme stress to our bodies that can later show up as weight gain, anxiety, and depression. So, as our exposure to sex increases, we have a responsibility to create and maintain safe spaces for ourselves and others. Practice being kind to yourselves and try to see someone else’s perspective before judging them for their choices. Finally, if you can’t understand another person’s views, learn to hold space for them instead of minimizing their experience. Train yourself to listen actively without planning your next sentence and frequently remind yourself that there’s so many beautiful ways to live (yours is the best for you but not always for others). There’s enough room here for everyone.

LOVE

by the stars

Tara Chloe Dusanj Astrology signs represent an element of either earth, fire, water, or air. Some elements are naturally better together than others. Your birth chart can reveal your dominating elements and potential compatibility. For example, Earth is needed to build a long term, committed romance. So, if you lack earth in chart, you can find it in your partner.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Aries doesn’t usually make romance their first priority. They know their worth and require some kind of chase, which makes them hard to get. Aries is adventurous and will be open-minded and free-spirited. They like being around people who make them feel good about themselves. While they rarely say, “I love you,” their love is shown in their actions. Best Matches: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini Could Make it Work: Pisces, Aquarius, Taurus Friendzone is Best: Capricorn, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Taurus tends to look for a real relationship—one they feel at home and can grow with. Taurus is devoted, loyal, and loving. They bring their earthy essence into romance and know how to keep their partners satisfied. To break down a Taurus’ walls, you must show them you’re a good person. Cheating is unlikely as a Taurus tends to be very committed to the one they are with. Show them some heart and compassion and they’ll match you right back!

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Best Matches: Pisces, Virgo, Capricorn, Cancer Could Make it Work: Gemini, Aries, Scorpio, Taurus Friendzone is Best: Aquarius, Sagittarius, Libra, Scorpio

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

Gemini loves to play and can sometimes they get caught up in it, but at their core, they want someone special in their life to show off. They know how to truly love someone and when they find a match, they will be very protective of this person. Gemini also needs someone who can keep up with their active mind and isn’t afraid of asking for attention. Forming a mental connection is a must as this is where Gemini makes the final decisions in dating. Best Matches: Libra, Aquarius, Leo Could Make it Work: Taurus, Aries, Gemini, Cancer Friendzone is Best: Capricorn, Pisces, Virgo, Scorpio, Sagittarius

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Cancer is very much a traditional relationship sign, they want to build a home and a family with their love. Cancer is very sensual and sensitive; they know how to do romance. Cancers are very protective of the people they love and are willing to put up with a lot. Their love is usually very secure, but they hang around too long after the apple has become rotten. Cancer is looking for domestic loyalty and companionship. They need somebody to snuggle them and laugh at their jokes. Best Matches: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio Could Make it Work: Leo, Gemini, Cancer Friendzone is Best: Aries, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Libra, Capricorn

Best Matches: Aries, Sagittarius, Gemini Could Make it Work: Libra, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Cancer Friendzone is Best: Capricorn, Taurus, Pisces, Scorpio

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Leo is looking for true love but is willing to find that love independently. A lot of great people are after Leo, but Leo is selective. They will know their love as soon as they meet them. Leo’s love is deep, consuming, and loyal. It’s important to note that if you are after a Leo, you pay them and their needs attention. Compliment them. Remind them why they are great. Leo will be very giving in love, but they expect the same back. Otherwise, they will move on to people who give them attention.

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Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo is looking for love, but is in no rush. Virgos want the perfect match, which means they need someone who matches their values. Virgos are very picky so they might go through many lovers before they meet the one. It’s not unusual for them to settle down later in life. They are strong on their own, but eventually crave the unison of a relationship. Best Matches: Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer, Leo Could Really Work: Pisces, Libra, Scorpio, Virgo Friendzone is Best: Gemini, Sagittarius, Aries, Aquarius

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

A Libra can be a butterfly in love, flying back and forth to different lovers while trying to figure it out. When they have decided, you will know it. Libra will likely have many playful affairs and flirtations before finding the one. Love here isn’t always traditional. Best Matches: Gemini, Leo, Aquarius Could Make it Work: Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius Friendzone is Best: Capricorn, Pisces, Taurus, Cancer

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

When Scorpio loves, they love with their entire being. It’s said that once a Scorpio loves you, they love you forever. There is an intensity about their love. Scorpio is very private, secretive, and mysterious. A partner for them must be somebody they trust. Scorpio is capable of having sex with no strings attached, but Scorpio can’t and won’t do this forever. Best Matches: Pisces, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn Could Make it Work: Sagittarius, Libra, Scorpio Friendzone is Best: Taurus, Aquarius, Gemini, Aries, Leo

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Sagittarius seeks out their conquests and are very charming and good at getting what they want. At the end of the day, they want passionate, adventurous lovers. They don’t want routine, otherwise they will get bored and move on. Sagittarius needs thrill in their life. They want a partner they can explore with.

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Best Matches: Leo, Libra, Aries, Scorpio Could Make it Work: Gemini, Capricorn, Aquarius, Sagittarius Friendzone is Best: Taurus, Cancer, Pisces, Virgo

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Capricorn is looking for consistency in a mate. They want a best friend, a lover, and a partner that they can rely on. Capricorn values their partner and invests in their happiness. They only have eyes for the one that they love. Very grounded, stable, and hard-working, Capricorn knows how to provide and experience the finer things that life has to offer. Best Matches: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces Could Make it Work: Aquarius, Capricorn, Sagittarius Probably Won’t Click Beyond Friends: Leo, Aries, Gemini, Cancer, Libra

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius is also capable of hooking up without emotions. This sign usually finds love later in life. They can easily see more then one person at a time and they can also casually date. Sometimes, they have what I call, “A Jennifer Aniston Complex,” where they date and date without finding the right one until much later in life. Sometimes Aquarius is with someone seriously only to realize they want to be serious with someone else. When Aquarius does settle down, they make for great, exciting, and smart partners. They may or may not be rushing to the altar—but that all depends on the Aquarius in question. Best Matches: Gemini, Libra, Aries Could Make it Work: Pisces, Aquarius Friendzone is Best: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Leo

Pisces is the type to get “casual dating” twisted as they might fall for everyone that they meet. Pisces wants a true, fairytale love. They’ve dreamt about it and cannot wait for it because they have so much love to give. Pisces can be submissive so a more dominant partner could be in order. Pisces is motivated by their partner and with the right person, they will make all sorts of changes.

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Best Matches: Scorpio, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer Could Make it Work: Pisces, Aquarius, Aries Friendzone is Best: Sagittarius, Gemini, Libra, Leo

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Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

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