April 2022 (Satire)

A PR I L 2 02 2 | CO M E D Y & S A T I RE

S

APRIL

2022 | COMEDY & SATIRE

Student in BCIT's hardest program doesn't receive sympathy he deserves | Free money for BCIT students | Thoughts of a BCIT student | Why the "bruh culture" must be respected | and more!

U T C A OUR

ER V O C AL

IS

DISCLAIMER: FAKE. FAKE...

THIS ISSUE IS

EVERYTHING IS

disclaimer to the disclaimer:

linkbcit.ca

except for the parts that are true.

2

Dear Reader, Welcome to the April Issue . As you may have noticed , the world is upside-down-backwards-inside-out insane.

We have lifted all restrictions as we head into what may soon be the SIXTH wave of the pandemic.

We are (maybe) on the brink of World War III. Depending on whom you ask , either the enforcement—or the lack of enforcement—of a no-fly zone over Ukraine will be its cause .

Climate change . (Need we say anything more?)

And the Oscars now have a bonus WWE feature .

So, in light of everything taking place in these muddling times, we

thought we’d try to brighten your day by bringing you a little lightness—in the form of…

*DRUM-ROLL PLEASE* …satire!*

Your friend in the end-times,

Cali *Satire: “the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Please note: Any likeness to real-life people, places, or events are purely coincidental.

Especially if you think we’re talking about you.

6 8 11

free money for BCIT students

the system is broken

the system works

bc gov distributes covid tests just in time for pandemic to be over

in this issue

10

14 15 linkbcit.ca

small town girl drops out of college

student in BCIT’s hardest program denied the sympathy he deserves

12

4

google this!

ISSN 0715-5247 (Print) ISSN 2562-3257 (Online)

We feature exceptional people in our community, big ideas in a changing world, and evolving social dialogue.

We welcome writers, photographers and artists of all backgrounds and abilities. Our purpose is to provide a collaborative platform for student expression, and to connect you with one another’s stories and experiences.

Printed editions are distributed to all five BCIT campuses & additional content is published online at linkbcit.ca Link Magazine would like to respectfully acknowledge that it is printed and distributed on the traditional & unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples.

3700 Willingdon Ave. SE2 Building, 3rd Floor | Burnaby, BC V5G 3H2 | 604. 451. 7191

thoughts of a BCIT student

16

BCIT prohibits vehicles on campus

18

ode to the most hated man

21

Nazanin Hosseinmardi Catherine Sohit Karisa Cheng Astrid Agbayani Anastasia Naboka Nolan Nordwall Darla Williscroft

why the "bruh culture" must be respected

"this isn't what we signed up for"

24

"leave room for jesus": how to club without getting covid

26

STAFF

Jonah van Driesum, Senior Editor Christy Chan, Associate Editor Stephanie Bohn, Associate Editor Cali McTavish, Associate Editor Youssef Habib, Associate Editor Shawn Chang, Associate Editor Shaleeta Harrison, Publications Manager

22

APRIL 2022

CONTRIBUTORS

|

editor@linkbcit.ca | linkbcit.ca

LINK

Have an idea?

Contact us!

5

Googl About 6 results.... yeah, that's all (0.41 seconds)

Images for April 2022 google this Did you mean: memes and the t ht g gg gram....

The Grammys are outraged after learning that K-pop group BTS will be using their arena in Vegas, MGM Grand Garden, as overflow seating for sold-out shows. The main concert will be held in the Allegiant Stadium. When reached for a comment, voting members of the Recording Academy reportedly fumed, "We're the biggest thing in music!

They're stealing our thunder! We're not giving them a Grammy until they say we're better than them!"

"Mask up," says iOS 15.4 Apple is excited to announce that their latest iPhone (iOS 15.4) comes with face recognition—perfectly functional even when you’re wearing a mask. “It’s because we’re doing retinal scans now” says CEO Tim Cook. iPhone users came out in droves to nab the new phone, even though the mask mandate is already lifted. "I just wanted to see if Face ID really works with a mask, but it only works on iPhone 12 and newer, so here I am," said a local broke BCIT student.

When asked about mask mandates coming to an end, Cook responded “That’s what you think” with a wink.

W

O

R

D

L

E

linkbcit.ca

A local woman is planning to sue The New York Times after her Wordle streak broke Saturday morning. “What kind of a fucking word is 'epoxy'?”

6

Elden Ring Twelve million copies sold. Tens of thousands of hours already played by fans. What more do I need tell you about the smash hit Open World Fantasy RPG Elden Ring than it’s epic and you should go play it? Okay, it has ruined my marriage because I can’t stop playing. Cindy please, come back.

Without you, I am maidenless.

Satire

le This Why you should care about Ukrainian refugees and ignore refugees from the middle east According to BBC reporter Katy O’Brien, it’s pretty simple: “These immigrants are white,” says O’Brien, “so they’re just more relatable, you know?”

Katy O’Brien says she’s “pretty sure” she could point to the middle east on a map.

O’Brien clarifies she’s not racist, it’s just a fact that unlike those from the middle east, Ukrainians are educated.

When informed that many refugees from the middle east also have post-secondary education, O’Brien responded skeptically, “Really? They have that there?”

How to forget Ye is abusive by listening to Runaway on repeat We know. It’s really really hard to ignore the onslaught of news about Ye's manipulative, sociopathic, and controlling behaviour towards his ex-wife Kim Kardashian. But he’s so talented! What are you going to do? Stop listening?! That’s why we recommend turning down the news and turning up My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

Now, you might be thinking that album title is a little on the nose for Kanye’s general behaviour. But if you’re like us, you’ll forget all of that as you sing along to Ye’s sweet auto-tuned harms…

LINK

|

APRIL 2022

“Runaway” is coincidentally also the advice Ye's ex-girlfriends recommend.

7

small town girl drops out of college to become the next German Heiress Humour

Catherine Sohit

After binge-watching Inventing Anna over the weekend, first-year BCIT student Lana Kaminka dropped out to chase the new American dream.

"I’m going to be the next German Heiress Influencer” says Lana. “$320K for my story from Netflix? Yes, please.”

When asked about her plan, Lana said, “It’s easy. You party with the rich and famous, travel to exotic locations, and maintain a lavish lifestyle—for free!!” How can anyone doubt her? After all, the only thing you need these days to prove yourself is thousands of followers on any social media platform. #ICanPay If you haven't watched Inventing Anna yet on your freeloading Netflix account, here's the SparkNotes summary: small town Rus-

sian-turned-German girl Anna Delvey decides getting a job is overrated, and wikiHows how to get rich and famous. She moves to Paris, then to New York, conning people, forging legal documents, stealing from her friends (who needs friends anyway?), banks, and other financial institutions. Architects, designers, and investors start building her Barbie Dreamhouse while the bank hands her $100K in cash even though she’s got not a single penny to her name.

“What I’ve learned is all it takes to trick people into giving you money is a few designer handbags, an ambiguous European accent, expensive clothes, and a lot of Instagram followers,” says Lana.

Okay, Here's An Actual Review of Inventing Anna:

She was released after four years behind bars. When asked how prison life was, Anna replied it wasn't a

Now, Anna is one of the most famous people in NYC with almost 1M followers on Instagram. She's also been receiving hundreds of marriage proposals.

I guess she won’t be needing Tinder for a while.

APRIL 2022

In October 2017, Anna was found guilty of (spoiler alert) scamming people. She was sentenced to 12 years in prison, and had to pay around $200K in therapy fees to her victims who now have trust issues and can't talk to people named Anna. Netflix, on the other hand, paid her $320K just for existing.

Anna believes she did nothing wrong. She claims she was just doing what most people in America do, trying to create a business with other people's money. “It's not far from what the Wall Street guys do on a daily basis,” says Shonda Rhimes. “Some people think Anna's kind of like Robin Hood, but instead of giving to the less fortunate, she spent it all on Chanel.” In her latest interview with ABC 20/20, she said people at the top didn’t seem as bright (touché) or as impressive as she thought they would be, While scamming people might be wrong, it's an easy way to make $320K tax-free in four years.

|

Everybody wants to pose like an influencer who got flown out to LA, even if it's just their mom taking the photo on a family trip. I wonder if social media pressure was what motivated Anna to become a con artist? Don't get me wrong, I've worked very hard to get where I am in life and I'm proud of it, but I get the appeal of the rich and famous lifestyle. The question is: where do we draw the line? Until when is it okay to fake it? Money is great and all, but you probably shouldn't trade your family, values, and freedom just to enjoy an “elite lifestyle.” It's not worth it. Our value should come from our actions, self-love, the things we stand for, friends, and family.

big deal; she just pretended to be rich inside and had servants who did everything for her, including her laundry. Shortly after her release, she signed two book deals to tell her story before and after prison.

Hopefully she'll also add some financial advice in these books. I need tips to do my taxes.

LINK

Fake it until you make it seems to be the national anthem of our generation, especially when social media is a constant reminder of everyone's success.

9

All our programs are challenging.

No really.

We promise.

Pinky swear.

student in BCIT’s hardest program denied the sympathy he deserves

Joseph Harris

“It’s just not fair,” says local BCIT computing student Joseph Harris. “One of the few sources of satisfaction I get from my time here at BCIT is the sense of superiority when I tell people that my program is objectively the hardest one—and it is.”

“I was at the library the other day, and I was walking around waiting for somebody to claim that they were struggling with their workload. It happens a lot.

Every time they did, I’d say ‘Amateurs…’ kind of under my breath, but loud enough for them to hear, you know? I probably did that like eight or nine times in the five hours I was there, but not a single person asked me a follow-up or was even like, ‘what was that?’ They were all too busy studying.”

We spoke with Donna Turner, the associate dean of computing. When asked about Joseph’s struggle and the difficulty of his program, she had this to say:

linkbcit.ca

"It’s a trial by fire. I can say without a doubt that we have the most difficult program at BCIT. In fact, computing

10

programs here are some of the hardest in the province. We pride ourselves as an institute on training ready-for-industry students using an accelerated workload, and I sympathize with any students who go through our diploma programs."

However, reports from other schools suggest Joseph’s claims may in fact be exaggerated. In a recent meeting with Shelly Fraser, associate dean of nursing, she had this to say: "It’s a trial by fire. I can say without a doubt that we have the most difficult program at BCIT. In fact, nursing programs here are some of the hardest in the province. We pride ourselves as an institute on training ready-for-industry students using an accelerated workload, and I sympathize with any students who go through our diploma programs."

We asked them why the institute isn’t offering bachelor's degrees for BCIT’s accelerated programs. We have yet to hear back.

Joseph was seen outside the accounting building earlier this week, sighing loudly and looking dejected.

Satire

Join BCIT today.

Link — April 2022

Free Money for BCIT Students March 25, 2022

photo by Puii Duangtip

Nolan Nordwall

“It’s unorthodox, but it’s working,” said Geoff. “This is the best idea I’ve ever had. People used our services and shopped at our retail locations around campus, but they never had any idea who we were or what we did.”

Unfortunately, this new initiative has some big drawbacks for BCITSA staff. Brandy Signer, marketing associate, was recently seen leaving the SA offices with a box of her belongings.

When asked if Kat would consider spending the money at any of the BCITSA-owned coffee shops around campus, she had this to say: “Who-owned?”

APRIL 2022

Since last Monday, the Student Association has taken to the streets, handing out cash to any student that walked by.

We spoke with Kat Sukkau, local computer science student, shortly after she was given her $5 bill this Monday. “Yeah, this is awesome,” she said. “They’ve been here every week, paying for my coffee from Timmies.”

Satire

|

“We’re proud to say we’re finally making some progress with students,” said the Director of Marketing and Communications, Geoff Gauthier, in a recent interview. “Our rate of student involvement has never reached anything higher than six percent.

That was a good year,” he told us nostalgically.

"Honestly, it was brutal," Signer told us. “The day that the ‘We Exist’ Campaign began, they came into the marketing office with a big wheel with a bunch of names on it. They said that if we downsized by one employee, we could hand out 10,000 more $5.00 bills a year. I had to spin it."

LINK

THE BCIT Student Association (BCITSA) has begun handing out $5 bills to students outside of SE3 every Monday from 11 am to 5:30 pm in phase one of their new ‘We Exist!’ campaign.

11

p

Link — April 2022

Nolan Nordwall

the system is broken

March 25, 2022

photos by Puii Duangtip

"The system is broken," says local student council member Nolan Nordwall. “I’ve been at BCIT 3 terms now. I work hard every day. My grades are good, I’m a student leader, I’m excelling in a difficult program."

"COVID has just taken so much from us already. I’m handsome," he assured us. "If nobody has posted anything about me in the year and a half that I’ve been a student, it must be because of this global pandemic thing going around."

Nolan was found outside SE3 looking longingly into the distance. ”I take care of myself. I go to the gym when I can, despite my workload. I eat well, too. My vegetables-to-instant-noodles ratio is pretty good. Despite all of this, I haven’t seen a single post about myself on ‘BCIT Crushes.’"

To resolve this issue, Nolan sought support from Amy Smith, the career specialist for the school of computing. “I try to make myself available for student concerns and grievances, but this isn’t the kind of counselling I do,” said Amy in her statement. “He’s taking this weirdly personally.”

BCIT Crushes is the well-known anonymous Facebook group where BCIT students can proclaim their love for one another anonymously. We investigated the post history and found that Nolan was right. There wasn’t a single post there mentioning his name.

Later, Nolan was found outside of BCIT’s Respect, Diversity, and Inclusion (RDI) office. "I tried to join ‘Women in Computing,’ but they wouldn’t have me for some reason. BCIT is fundamentally broken, and I’m going to fix it. I knew when I entered a program about software development that there wouldn’t be many girls in my program, but this is ridiculous.

We need to implement women-quotas in our program ASAP. For representation,” he said with a wink.

linkbcit.ca

Nolan told us that he checks the page weekly now. "I’ve told lots of people about the group. At first, I thought that it was just an inactive group, but then recent posts started appearing. Somebody is managing the page and I’m not included in any of the posts. That can’t be right."

12

Satire

13

LINK

|

APRIL 2022

Link — April 2022

Darla Williscroft

the system works

“BCIT has given me so much confidence, I wish I came here straight out of high school,” says 2nd year Computer Systems Technology (CST) student Anita Dégree.

Anita elaborated that when she took English Lit at SFU she just seemed to blend into the crowd. “Here, I find I attract a lot more attention. Everyone is very friendly. I’ve even been asked out on multiple dates which is something new! I didn’t expect BCIT to be so fun and social.”

Anita says BCIT has given them confidence because, “the small set sizes really allow us to get to know each other.”

She finds her classmates always want to be on her team and work late into the night on group projects. “Sometimes they even offer to take on some of my work to lighten my load. I really appreciate the dedication to learning that my set mates at BCIT demonstrate,” says Anita.

linkbcit.ca

Anita was thrilled by the interest from employers to take part in their co-ops. “I’ve never felt so empowered.”

14

March 25, 2022

We wondered if Anita could pinpoint what made her so desirable so we inquired about her daily routine: “Honestly, I don’t do anything special. I wake up late, sometimes shower, and throw on my cleanest sweatpants before going to class. I definitely never work out, unless you count carrying my laptop up and down the stairs every day, or the hike from the parking lot. I thought about going to the gym when I first started, but with all this attention I’m starting to reconsider if I even need to. My mom said I should watch my weight more now that I’ve been living off ramen noodles and coffee for a year, but I disagree. When I get home all I do is sit at my desk and do homework or play video games. Really nothing exciting.”

When asked what she thinks BCIT can do to improve her experience, she simply said, “I wouldn’t change a thing. In fact, I’m going to encourage my little sister to come here too so she can have the same great experience I did.”

Anita Dégree is a 2nd year CST student and the only woman in her set. You can find her watching anime in the Eh Pod every Tuesday night after lectures this term.

Satire

In case you missed the ad in the previous page, here it is again.

Also, visit the SA. We get lonely sometimes.

BC Gov distributes COVID tests just in time for pandemic to be over Cali McTavish The BC government has finally gotten around to distributing COVID tests.

that came back negative before finally taking a PCR test that came back positive.

“We’ve been busy, OK?!” says Minister of Health Adrian Dix.

COVID cases are once again on the rise as masks come off and restaurants, bars and clubs return to full capacity.

The Government stockpiled hundreds of tests during the Omicron wave, but when the Rapid Antigen tests were found to be essentially useless, they decided they might as well hand them out.

“It should provide a sense of reassurance to those not paying attention” says Provincial Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry.

“To be honest I’m not that reassured” says McKayla Henderson who was exhibiting symptoms and took five rapid tests

Hurray for the SA! Satire

“Just blame young people!” says Premier John Horgan. “It worked for me at the beginning of the pandemic.”

When asked if people would be allowed to travel on airplanes using a Rapid Antigen test Henry responded “God no, have you seen how unreliable those things are? You should put about as much faith in those results as spitting on a pregnancy test.”

thoughts of a bcit student

linkbcit.ca

Karisa Cheng

16

Humour

MORNING

You suddenly have an urge to risk parking in the staff lots.

Sorry, but you’re almost 100% guaranteed to get a ticket for that. Nobody knows how Impark does it, but they do.

Somehow.

As you pull into one of the last spots in Lot E, other cars drive past you in frustration. You know where they're headed: the student dorm parking lot. You would only park here if you were late to class, or if you were just extremely unlucky.

Stepping out of your car triumphantly, you think, Am I just…better than everyone else?

AFTERNOON Tim Hortons is packed! The wait will probably take a while, seeing how the line is literally out the door. You choose to sacrifice 20 minutes of your time anyway, because you’re pretty sure it's the cheapest option on campus.

As you’re in line, you wonder why there aren’t more Tim Hortons around campus. Starbucks also crosses your mind, but you decide it might not be a good idea to spend $6 on a grande oat milk latte. Material, but not every day.

“Can I get a grilled chicken wrap and large double double please,” you say when you finally reach the counter.

“Sorry—we only have crispy chicken,” the staff responds.

Yes, you spent 20 minutes in line only to not get what you want. But of course, you can't always get what you want in life. Grilled chicken wraps included. Then again,

EVENING When classes are finally over for the day, the night is still young. The sunset greets you as you walk towards your car, offering you a glimpse of peace in your chaotic day.

That is, until you hear cawing sounds. You suddenly realize the dark shapes on the tree branches are crows!

You speed-walk to your car, reminding yourself that they can smell fear. You erase from your mind that they could attack because they have nothing better to do. The murder flies over your head while you struggle to maintain your composure. You’re not getting bullied today!

The danger passes. You’re now holding your car keys between your fingers in the empty parking lot, just in case there's something more threatening than birds lurking in the shadows. You can never be too safe.

Once you get into your car, you immediately lock the doors. You let out a sigh of relief—you made it! Onwards to the next challenge: driving through the six o’clock rush. It's moments like these where you regret not taking public transit.

You sink into your seat and swipe through Spotify to find the perfect driving playlist—something to sing along to but has enough teenage angst to keep you awake.

Soon, "Driver’s License" by Olivia Rodrigo starts blasting through the speakers. Perfect.

And—finally and after a long day—you're home. Exhausted, you flop onto your bed and close your eyes for just a second and let out a sigh; the pile of laundry sitting at the corner of your bed and your long “To-Do” list can wait until tomorrow. Of course, that second of shut-eye turns into a three-hour nap.

It begins again, the daily cycle of the BCIT student.

APRIL 2022

“Why is there more staff parking than student parking?!” you (and every BCIT student ever) wail.

As you wait for your order, you overhear a bunch of people ordering three hashbrowns. What's up with that?

Why specifically three hashbrowns? Is that code for something? Is it part of some experiment? Are they all mechanical engineering students? So many questions, so few answers.

|

As you're driving to school, you’re amazed that traffic isn't all that bad. Then you realize that it's only 7:15 am, and morning traffic hasn’t really started. The voice of the Google Maps GPS lady is burned into your head when you turn onto Wayburne Drive; now is when you hope that you’ll spot some parking spots before you turn into the lot.

you don’t really care whether the chicken is grilled or crispy, as long as it’s (mostly) chicken.

LINK

The morning is all about deciding what time you'll need to get to campus to secure parking. Sure, some days you wonder if you should just roll over and go back to sleep— but then you remember that you are supposed to be a responsible adult, and that entails waking up at 6 am to get to school on time.

17

BCIT Prohibits Vehicles on Burnaby Campus Astrid Agbayani

linkbcit.ca

BCIT has ordered all parking lots to be demolished. The move is a landmark decision made by BCIT’s Board of Trustees. School officials state that the urgent decision was a result of the dramatic increases of oil and gas prices across the globe.

18

After the motion was put forth, a trustee stated, “We hear the (BCIT) community’s plea for help! They’ve expressed how ridiculously high the parking fees are and understand that the total cost of post-secondary education is ‘becoming unaffordable’. We believe that by replacing the parking lots with more buildings, students and staff will no longer have to budget for parking and other vehicle related costs.

This will additionally leave consumers with extra funds to support the increased cost of tuition, textbooks, coffee and more! Everyone benefits. It’s a fair and equal decision that ensures everyone is treated the exact same.”

BCIT anticipates that this move will also be applauded by members of BCIT’s Ecological Restoration program as it will be a great way to make campuses more eco-friendly without making any substantial organizational changes.

Satire

LINK

|

The school will also prohibit curbside parking, and no vehicles (including delivery and service trucks) will be permitted to access any BCIT campus. All procurement procedures will be done on foot.

The board stated that they expect members of the BCIT community to be delighted with the opportunity to increase their physical activity while actively reducing the school’s environmental impact. An anonymous student representative from the BCIT School of Business stated, “This initiative is a great way to show transparency regarding where parking funds are going. No parking will be permitted so no fees will be collected.”

APRIL 2022

For years, BCIT students, faculty, and staff have complained about the cost and consistent unavailability of parking. According to the school’s trustees, “The decision to remove all on campus parking was made to alleviate financial burdens for the schools’ stakeholders.”

19

20

linkbcit.ca

Ode to the Most Hated Man Alive

Once in 1703, Peter I founded the city, “Here I will lay a stone For the city to be known Now we’ll be a part of Europe That will make my Russia grow” Little did that Peter know That empire, so majestic In two centuries will gone Jumping to our wonder year With a threat for World War III Were Mother Russia’s ruler Killed the whole economy Many companies have left From the market, as the US Made the sanctions even stricter Bringing Russians all distressed And McDonald’s leaving Russia Was the greatest tragedy Cannot be at all compared With Ukraine’s calamity Now that Putin is well-hidden in his bunker down below Complicating execution From his “friends” with fatal blow

Satire

| LINK

artwork Nazanin Hosseinmardi poem Anastasia Naboka

APRIL 2022

As the world, let’s say enchantment, To lure out, say congrats, As he well deserved a title Of most hated Man alive

21

WHY THE “BRUH CULTURE” MUST BE RESPECTED Satire

As I cracked open a cold one with my best bruh Kyle, he and I began a deep discussion of an essential but disrespected subculture in modern society, bruh culture. At its core, bruh culture is the idea that there is nothing more important in life than cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Our way of life is described by our founding tenets.

- Bud Light is better than water - Fried foods are at the top of the pyramid of bruhtrition - Never do the dishes, the laundry, make the bed or otherwise help with chores - The Wolf of Wall Street is watched monthly - Bros before Hoes - Make fun of things you don’t understand

linkbcit.ca

When one of those tenets is denied, there is nothing more painful, even giving birth.

22

Speaking of which, that is a perfect example of the superiority of bruh culture. Wife’s in labour but the boys want to play COD*? Bring your Xbox to the hospital! There’s no reason you should both suffer.

Your daughter’s birthday party is Saturday, but your neighbour Bobby is having a BBQ? Combine those suckers, ‘cause who doesn't want beer and grilled meat as a core memory. These fundamental tenets of bruh culture are supported by other bonding activities like weekend visits to the airsoft range, ensuring that your kid is really into sports (remember, ESPN is a way of life), and buying weed and beer for your kids on their 18th birthday (19th if you’re a loser).

However, the PC** crowd wants to cancel our proud bruhs and we say no. They think we promote “toxic masculinity” and “degrade women,” ’cause we talk over them when we’re just right about something.

Ronda Rousey is a bruh, Emma Stone is a bruh, Ruth Bader Ginsburgh was a bruh (we all saw how much she could bench). How can you deny our existence? *Call of Duty **Politically Correct

Bud Light

Bud Light

The greatest academic source ever created, Wikipedia, recognizes us as “young men who spend time partying with others like themselves. Although the original image of the bro lifestyle is associated with fraternities, it lacks a consistent definition.” This is truly the highest form of recognition. Fraternity literally means brotherhood, and we are the brotherhood culture, The bro culture, The Bruh Culture, bruh.

bruhs down south got Trump elected, twice. WE got Trudeau elected, thrice. We put our bruhs in but if they aren’t gonna be bruhs to us and openly recognize their fellow bruhs then we need to un-bruh them and elect some true bruhs. America has been unbruhed (except for Florida) by Joe Biden, so we can take this world in a – wait for it- bruh-tter direction.

Think about the key parts of a culture, holidays.

Frat parties are literally weekly holidays, filled with traditional meals of kegs and grilled meat. We have traditional clothing, too: Ray Bans, cargo shorts, polos, and sandals.

Now, if you will excuse me, Kyle’s bruh came by and is struggling with cracking open his cold one and, as a bruh, I gotta help. Remember, always stand by your bruh.

|

APRIL 2022

As De Niro said, “You talkin to me?”

LINK

We deserve to be recognized so our powerful (not at all fragile or toxic) masculinity can be fully protected by the government. Look at the political power we wield. Many political leaders are themselves closet bruhs, but refuse to come out into the open and truly support their fellow bruhs. Remember our

23

“This isn’t what we signed up for.”

Two BCIT international students speak on the harsh reality of living here

Youssef Habib

THE FORESTS ARE LITERALLY BURNING Beautiful BC is on fire. Last year, temperatures reached 50 degrees Celsius and the province recorded over 1,600 fires.

Karim Raafat, a BCIT student from Egypt, is deciding to go back home for the summer to experience more temperate weather.

“We thought we’d get beautiful mountains, forests, and crystalclear lakes. Instead we got heat, fire and floods. This isn’t what we signed up for.”

Our hopes and dreams

The Sparks Lake fire (BC Wildfire Service/Twitter)

linkbcit.ca

—Karim Raafat, a BCIT student from Egypt

24

Vancouver circa 2021, people going to work (National Geographic)

AND WHAT’S UP WITH FOOD HERE? Most countries have rich and diverse cuisines spanning centuries. Some even have strong street food cultures where it’s easy to get cheap, healthy meals any time of the day.

Here you get A&W. Thankfully, Vancouver is home to many pseudo-authentic restaurants. Lots of us miss our hometown dishes. It’s great to have local restaurants representing different foods from around the world but it’s just not the same as those back home.

“Can someone please tell me what Canadian food is? Poutine and maple syrup? Okay, but what actually is the CUISINE of this nation? Food doesn’t have to be bland. Use more spices. Trust me.

They make food taste good.”

—Jiyeong Hong, a BCIT student from South Korea

*sigh* (Google)

For many international students, Canada is seen as a symbol of hope and freedom.

Satire

LINK

|

But we do it because of the opportunities that aren’t available back home. And not to mention, the whole freedom to be yourself thing is pretty sweet.

APRIL 2022

Arriving here is a life goal that takes many years to achieve. It’s a long road to establish yourself here and an even longer one to truly feel at home.

25

“Leave room for Jesus” How to club without getting COVID

Cali McTavish After two years of being closed, clubs and bars have reopened and are in full swing in Downtown Vancouver.

But don’t start sticking your tongue down someone’s throat just yet. In an attempt to not be shut down again, club owners are asking that you “leave room for Jesus.”

What does that mean?

According to former mole-person turned club promoter Steve Stevenson, it means keeping at least a full arm’s length apart. You know the distance where it’s hard to talk to each other but you’re not in each other’s space? Aim for that.

“Or do butt stuff!” says Steve. No, not that kind of butt stuff. He means dancing back to back, in order to breathe away from each other. Although Steve says he would be into that kind of butt stuff if you wanted to give him your number. Wait, did you say no? “Oh well…*bitch*” he whispers, walking away now.

Clubs are also encouraging patrons not to drink others’ drinks, even those left unattended on tables.

“I know it’s tough when all you want to do is get sloppy drunk,” says club owner Marcel Patine, “but just to be safe… For now.”

linkbcit.ca

The province has stipulated that club-goers wear masks on the dance floor. When we asked Patine how that was going he responded, “Hahahaha, are you serious? No one’s doing that.”

26

Satire

thanks for joining us for our first humour issue (in a while) we have one issue left this semester, so if you're thinking about writing something, this is your last warning chance. publications@bcitsa.ca