Finding Yourself by Mara Cregan

Finding Yourself Poetry 4 Chapbook Iesha Olatunjii

Table of Contents Boy……………………………………………………………………………….. 3 Security………………………………………………………………………… 5 Dreams…………………………………………………………………………. 7 Bottle Speaks………………………………………………………………… 8 The Loved One………………………………………………………………. 9 Child……………………………………………………………………………… 10 Dear You……………………………………………………………………….. 11 ½ Past Bedtime……………………………………………………………… 12 Over………………………………………………………………………………. 13 Hope……………………………………………………………………………… 14 It’s Okay…………………………………………………………………………. 15 Enough…………………………………………………………………………… 16 Me………………………………………………………………………………….. 17 Alright…………………………………………………………………………….18

Boy I Are you sure you want to know? Do you know what that means? It’s now your duty to raise him up to be a great man. Confident in who he is. Raise him to walk with his head held high To fight against the injustices of the world and not with them Raise him to be as honest as the day is long Raise him most importantly to be respectful To every man and women who respects him. With Or without the help of his father. Raise your boy To be as courageous as David. II Allow him to face his rivals No matter how much bigger Nor stronger they are than him. Because in the end, It’ll be worth it. Protect him as the streets Will try to take hold of him. Make sure you hold him.

Because with a male child He will look up to you as Strong and independent No matter how dependent You are on his happiness. III The day will come When you’ll need him and he’ll be there when you’re older and can no longer do for him no longer comfort him no longer supply his every need Nor yourself. And roles will switch Times will change and he’ll do all he can for the both of you. He’ll make always confirm your well being. And that male child, Your son, will protect you And fight for your happiness.

Security You kissed me good-‐bye at birth. knowing that was the last time you’d see my precious face choosing temptation over me your sunken cheeks amaze me the strong scent you carry everywhere you go kills me inside disease over love. I was taken in promising to never be ungrateful. Your heart hurts everyday, even 22 years after the birth of your oldest child. if you even remembered. if you remember anything You’re in a dark room just you sobbing late at your mistakes you imagine me a grown up with no sense of want for my real mother coffee brown cigarette scented hair, and bright red glossed eyes. Yes I know who your are, the woman who gave up on me. Yes you know who I am, the innocent child desperate for love. Yes I remember your face, high cheek bones and pale skin. No I do not hate you, for you are only a memory I chose to get over you gave me this beautiful life. my real mother stands tall next to me as I drift off to sleep every night she plants a kiss on my forehead She loves me unlike the coward you are

Not even knowing what love is. You didn’t know what to love you loved that pipe.

Dreams A rocket soars through the sky Flying higher than our dreams. Higher than where our deceased relatives lay their heads. Rockets filled with daydreamers Where will it land? Somewhere we can be alone and just laugh together. Maybe a place where everyone can be accepted for who they are. Gay, straight, black white and even the people in between like me and you. NASA Stamped on the side of the rocket Black sky Perfectly shaped stars illuminate the atmosphere The sight is unreal. Only a master could craft. To separate day from night, Stars from planets Not one like the daydreamers inside, But almost. It came to me in a dream. One night and I hopped aboard the ship. With sweet intentions of touching the sky Though everyone’s dreams Have dreams of coming true.

Bottle Speaks I was here from the 1st day you became bottle-‐fed, from day three to sixteen months When you’re hurting, when you hungry in need of your daily nutrients, Or just something to quinch Your thirst. You suck on my rubber translucent nipple, that connects to my 8 ounce body. The black numbers up my side start To fade. You’re becoming a big boy. Almost A year old, you know my name now. Running up and down the halls, rubbing your fragile eyes Yelling “Ba-‐ba” “Ba-‐ba.” I wait for you in the fridge, waiting to feel you’re little grasps and tiny mouth wrap around me. You finally fall asleep. I’m your comfort item, you’re my comfort item. Not a bear, not a blanket Not a binky or a pillow. I won’t forget you, as I know you will never forget me. Love, Ba-‐ba

The Loved One I see pain when I look into my mother’s eyes. A strong woman A brave woman A generous and gracious woman Born in the time of segregation. A black woman being profiled Discriminated but She still stands tall today. Beautiful and successful look into her eyes Who could imagine what she went through How she felt. Being beaten spat on, Kicked off of busses. Being the only one of HER KIND in her school. Told she would never be good enough. But soon became too good for her own good. She’s beautiful, and irreplaceable.

Child My child, I shall train your beautiful soul in the way He should go. I shall save your spirit filled heart and mold it into a glorious passion tree. Teach you how to walk in your fathers Shoes. Inspire you to praise and rejoice and when he old, you will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Dear You Who are you to tell me who to be? I am me and you are you. We don’t look the same. We don’t walk the same. Your feet won’t fit in my shoes, for I wear a size thirty. Leave me alone and live your own life and I promise to do the same.

½ Past Bedtime It’s twelve on the dot/Your call is expected/but I still don’t expect it/I turn the volume on my phone up so I don’t miss you/I fall asleep/My phone rings/ I answer/your speech is slurred/you compliment me/beautiful/cutie/I miss you/the usual/I tell you I was tired/and that I have school/in the morning/you don’t care/but you do/promise not to keep me up/but request for me to let you stay/okay/you blow sloppy face time kisses/I try to duck and dodge them/ but one smacks me/right on the cheek/I wipe it off/hang up and wait/for the knock on the door/not because I want to/because I am alone.

Over Black eye. Busted lip. Bruised cheek. All for you my love Momma’s worst nightmare, Daddy’s dream day to get the guy who hurt his little girl. Daddy’s not here. He left long time ago, to where none may know. Momma’s too distant working and taking care of the home. Black eye. Busted lip. Bruised cheek. all for you my love my love your love what’s love? sure doesn’t live here anymore. give it up.

Hope You told me you’d never leave me nor forsake me. So why do I feel forsaken and alone? walking this abandoned journey without direction twirling in circles my mind spins out of control without a friend without you I long to be loved again. I long for your gentle touch of hope. Pat on the shoulder Kiss on the forehead Simple uplift weary “hello” because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me but what have I done? where is my strength? alone I cry hopeless hiding from demons that lurk at my window I cry. The demons that whisper failure in my ear when will it end?

It’s Okay The music’s loud in here A man stumbles in front of me Here Drink this NO What’s you name? BEAUTIFUL NO Come on, Stop playing NO The music quiets down… She’s lame She doesn’t drink She’s ugly anyways Conceited party pooper Here, Drink this Okay What’s your name? BEAUTIFUL Amanda Come on, Stop playing Okay The music gets loud again… Now she’s cool as hell She’s super pretty She’s a great time. Sloppy Slut It’s okay when it’s okay.

Enough You say that I’m not good enough because of my race. Because I may appear to be black Or mixed? That I can’t do or be want I want to be because of my gender. Female. That all I can do is be a Housewife That I will never make it in life, because of where I’m from. Poverty. Because I had a baby young. Dumb. You say that I’m arrogant, because I walk with my head held high. Accompanied with a big smile on my face. I say that you need to open your eyes, and realize that it is the 21st Century things have changed.

Me Who are you to tell me I’m not ready? Nothing but a jealous critic to me, searching for attention and to be heard. Be heard for what? The sake of being heard? You think your opinion matters to me? You telling me I’m ugly don’t hurt me anymore. This isn’t kindergarten. I do what I do because I want to. If I dye my hair it’s because I want to. Put make up on that you don’t like It’s because I want to. I don’t care to impress you. Because I am me and you are you, so why try to change me. I love me!

Alright You hold on to problems you should have let go a long time ago. You lie to the ones you love tell them you left your problems in your past but really they hang over your neck weighing you down heavy like a 50-‐pound dumb-‐bell if it were tied around your neck. You say it’s okay but we all know it isn’t You’re hurting and so is he. That one-‐year-‐old boy who you held since birth tight in your arms as tears rolled down your face, every night you were alone with him. The lady at church with the brown straw hat And pencil skirt. who hugs you longer and tighter than everyone else, she knows. But it doesn’t rain forever.