Machismo, Toxic Masculinity and Boys

Part Two

WrITTEN aND TraNSLaTED

BY SUMMEr SaNTOS

In last month’s piece, I discussed the dangerous game that our society asks our boys to play. Our culture as a whole encourages this game; the media landscape is full of self-proclaimed role models for young boys. It’s enough to make the whole idea of raising boys into good men feel hopeless. How can we fight such an overwhelming tide?

I’ve had enough experience with trying to be a man that I know there are positive ways to do so. We can encourage boys to pursue them, and if we do this at a community level, then they’ll have a chance as they grow into men. So, what can we encourage in boys? A lot of things, but because I have limited space, I’m just going to use a conveniently numbered list of four stereotypically masculine traits and discuss how to use them for good, not bad. Look, I’m just a paralegal. I don’t have all the answers.

1. LEaDErShIP Our society expects men to be leaders, but what it really teaches boys to be is stubborn, bossy and overconfident in themselves. Good leadership is about listening and considering others’ ideas. It’s about knowing the limitations of your own knowledge and who to rely on for advice. It’s about being able to see a bigger picture and help yourself and others achieve a goal. Our society imagines leadership to be about the individual, not the group, and we should model the opposite for boys.

2. TOUGhNESS The message that “real men don’t cry” is so pervasive it hardly needs further elaboration. Men and boys are expected by our society to just tough it out when things go wrong. But being tough doesn’t have to mean not letting anything affect you and hiding your feelings from the world. Boys can be resilient. We should teach boys how to take a setback and bounce back. How to trust their friends and family with their feelings. It’s a lot tougher to show your real self to the world than it is to live your life behind a mask.

3. STrENGTh Like toughness, boys are taught that power all comes down to how forceful a personality you project and how physically superior you are. Competition means that not being the best makes you a failure. Real strength, though, means recognizing what you are good at, what you aren’t, and how to ask for help when you need it. Strong men know how to reach a helping hand to, rather than bully, those who are ground down by bigger forces.

4. LOGIc Logical thinking is good, but you get what you put into it. If your starting premise is bad, the logic provides a coherent, but wrong, result. All children would benefit from stronger media literacy and knowing how to check sources of information. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and we should encourage real logic alongside better emotional intelligence.