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I’m Married Now What I’m UnderstanNowMarriedWhatdingThePrinciplesofLoveandMarriageTiatayShiner
I’m Married Now What Copyright © 2023 Tiatay Shiner Published by Living Water Book, Christian Division of Butterfly Typeface Publishing House, Little Rock, Arkansas 72201 PrintLivingwaterbooks.orgBookEdition2023 AllISBNrights reserved. This book is protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America. This book may not be copied or reprinted for commercial gain or profit. Any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of Tiatay Shiner except for the use of brief quotations in a book review, or occasional page copying for personal, or group study is also allowed and encouraged. Amplified version Good News Translation The Passion TranslationScripturequotations identified are from The New King James Version® Copyright© 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc used by permission all right reserved. Graphics, Art, and Designs Living Water Books
I’m Married Now What Dedication
I’m Married Now What I’m going to share the lessons I’ve learned from my own experience plus tips I have picked up from books, podcasts, seminars and regular conversations with married couples both old and young.
I’m Married Now What Table Of Contents Dedication ConclusionFinancesThePreparationIntroduction.....................................................................................................5.................................................................................................9...............................................................................................14Meeting..............................................................................................19......................................................................................................28.................................................................................................34
I’m Married Now What
I’m Married Now What Introduction Congratulations! You did it! You tied the knot! The ceremony is over, the guests are gone and now it’s just you and your spouse. So now, what? If you’re anything like I was, you have no clue what comes next. • What does it mean to be married? • What are you expected to do? • Do you move into his place, does he move into yours or do you get rid of them both and find something new? • What about kids? • Do you immediately get started having a family or do you wait a year or two? • Are you expected to be a housewife or will you try to manage both a career and family?
Each generation has its own expectations and ways of handling a situation. Lucky for you, I am here to give you some guidance.I’m going to share with you the information that I didn’t have when I became a newlywed. I’m going to share with you the lessons I’ve learned from my own experience of being married, plus tips I have picked up from books, podcasts, seminars, and regular conversations with married couples both old and young. Hopefully, this information will point you in the right direction and help reduce some of the fear and anxiety that you may have about marriage. Prior to marriage I didn’t know anything about marriage. I didn’t even think that I would get married. For the longest, I thought that I would have two kids, a house and a career. A husband was never in my realm of thought. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I never saw an example of marriage before me.
There are many questions with many possible answers. Depending on who you ask, you will get different answers.
I’m Married Now What
I’m Married Now What
My parents divorced when I was young. My father actually married and divorce three times before I was ten, so naturally, I thought I would be cursed in this area. None of my other family members were married on either side of the family. A few had been divorced but they were either divorced or separated. Most of my friends were raised in single parent homes so there we no examples there either. When I made it to high school, I had two friends who had parents that were still married. Of course they were much older so they didn’t resonate with me. My idea of marriage came from television shows. Coming up as a child, I watched shows like The Cosby Show, Family Matters and Roseanne. In those shows, there was a husband and wife. They both had careers, children that they cared for and a home. Those showed what it meant to be able to balance it all. In the marriage, they show loved and respect for one another and they also should how to handle conflict. They
I’m Married Now What taught their children valuable lessons and I liked that. I knew if I ever got married, this would be my road map.
I’m Married Now What Chapter One
I’m Married Now What
Preparation
Self-Reflection and Soul Searching Before I was able to get married, I had to take some time to do some self-reflection and soul searching. I had to heal from my past traumas. I had to realize that I was a serial dater. I did not like being alone; I was not comfortable with being by myself but I did not know why. I had a habit of jumping from one relationship to the next. Each relationship being worse than the one before. Because I was not taking the time to look back and learn the lesson, I accepted and tolerated more lies, cheating and disrespect. I began to think that was what I deserved. My self esteem was breaking down. I was becoming insecure. I no longer valued myself or required others to see the value in me. I needed to get back to who I use to be. I had
In the beginning, before I had an experience, I had an innocent about myself. I saw the good in people. I wanted to be a friend first. I wanted to establish a nice, healthy and whole foundation. When those relationships didn’t work out and I felt like I had been burned, I started to lead with my sexuality.
The second thing I had to do was look at the men that I was dating and the reasons why I was choosing them. I was basing my decisions on looks, but looks are just another form of lust. I was being led by my flesh and not my spirit. I was not selecting men based off of character, morals, values and standards. I was choosing based on superficial things; physique, money, and status. Once I started looking at the core values of the person, my dating pool started to change and my experiences got better. I also had to look at how I was projecting myself and what I was leading with.
I’m Married Now What to regain focus. I was looking for acceptance and validation. I wanted approval. I had to relearn how to love myself.
On the outside, my clothes and appearance were conservative, but my mind and body were hyper-sexual. My conservation was always about sex, so of course guys saw me as nothing more than someone to have sex with. Nothing I presented said that I wanted to settled down, be married and have kids. I had to change that, if I wanted to attract better to my life. The last thing I had to learn is how to be adaptable and to comprise. I have a very strong personality. I can be controlling, bossy and direct. This can come off as intimidating. I knew if I wanted a partner and to potentially be married, I had to make room for someone to come in and lead. Everything couldn’t be my way. This was hard for me to adjust to because I was raised to be independent, but if I’m doing everything or I have an “I don’t need you” attitude, it makes the other person feel unwanted, not needed and undervalued.
I felt like that’s what men wanted and that’s what they needed, so that is what I would give them.
I’m Married Now What
I’m Married Now What Relationships are about give and take. It is a dance between two people. Both people can’t lead. Someone has to be willing to follow.
I’m Married Now What Chapter Two
I’m Married Now What
The Meeting We met in the summer of 2007. It was a hot, sunny day and I had gone to my apartment complex laundry mat. I was at the front office loading money on my card when he walked behind me. I was having issues with the card when he said, “Hurry up.” I turned around with an attitude prepared, to go off. When I turned around, he was standing there in a light blue velour jogging suit, with no shirt underneath, white tennis shoes and a hat turned backwards. He had the biggest smile on his face. When I looked down, he had the most adorable little girl with him. She look like she have been one to two years old. I quickly refrained myself and told him I was having trouble with the card. He introduced himself, and said his name was Luke. He took the card from me and walked towards the machine. Somehow, he was able to figure it out
I’m Married Now What and get the card loaded. I said, thank you” and proceeded to walk away. A few moments later, we were together again in the laundromat. He introduced himself and asked how long I had been living in the apartment complex. I told him that me and my best friend were new to the apartment complex. We engaged in a casual conversation that lasted probably an hour. Towards, the end of the conversation, we exchanged numbers.
When I got to my car, I called my best friend. I told her that I had met a really nice guy, there was only one problem, he was missing his front teeth. She said, “What?” She burst out laughing and was like, “Tia, no!” I said, “Yes and he has a kid.” Then she really said, “No!” I had been known to pick the wrong men. I had spent the last seven years in one failed relationship after the next. I was finally in a place in my life were I was focusing on myself. I was doing well in my career. My bestfriend and I had just got our new place and things were beginning to look up for me. A new relationship was the last thing on my mind.
Afterwards,
I’m Married Now What
A few weeks went by and Luke called and asked if I would like to go out on a date. I was hesitant, but I said. “Yes.”
I wasn’t ready for a solo date so I asked if my friend could come along and we could go bowling. Luke agreed and brought his friend along. At the bowling alley, we had a good time. We had a chance to talk a little but we kept it light. we went back to his house to chill. Just so happen, I already knew his friend because we use to work together. James told me that Luke was a good dude and they had known each other for a while. James was a good judge of character so I trusted him. I had no reason to believe he would steer me in the wrong direction. It started getting late and I had to work in the morning so I told him I had to go. Luke walked me to my car and said, “I would like to see you again but next time alone.” I agreed. We made plans to go out to dinner. At dinner we talked about our past and our upbringing. We had a lot of things in common. Luke told me that he was recently divorce and had two very small children.
I’m Married Now What
Over time, we continued to talk and build a friendship. He was really attractive and had the body of a gymnast. His abs were amazing. His skin was smooth and he was well groomed. I tried hard not to make the friendship about sex. I wanted this to be different from my last experiences. I made sure I didn’t put myself in situations that could lead to sex. We had been talking for a few months Luke invited me to attend his company gala. I was impressed. This was my first time dating some who had a professional career. The gala required us to wear formal attire. Luke took me to the mall and bought
Luke said he was in the process of starting over. I shared a little about my past but not too much. I had been down that road before and I already knew what that could get me. After dinner, he drove me home. We sat in the car talking. He told me had a really nice time and he enjoyed my company. Luke made me laugh and smile a lot. I liked that.
He said they had not been married long. When I asked why they divorced, he said religious reasons and infidelity issues.
Halfway through making the dinner, he emerged in the
I’m Married Now What me a gown. The gown was beautiful. It was satin, two tone, black on one side and white on the other. He had to wear a tuxedo. I like the fact that he was introducing me to something new. Luke had multiple layers. He could be professional during the day and laid back and chill at night. At the gala, he introduced me to all his co workers and bosses. He told them I was his girlfriend. I was surprised because we had never had that conversation but I was happy that he was thinking of me in that manner. The night went on and we had another great time. Luke took me home. Following the gala, I told Luke I would come to his house and make him dinner. He lived alone, so we would have more privacy. Up until this point we hadn’t had sex. It had been close to six months. I arrived at his apartment with groceries in hand. He let me in and showed me to the kitchen. Luke told me he needed to take a shower because he had just come home from the gym. I said okay and started dinner.
I’m Married Now What kitchen with a robe on. It was opened at the top so his chest and abs were exposed. I knew he was trying to tempt me and it was working. I said, “You think you slick!” He replied, “What I do?” We ate dinner and talked but I was distracted. I could no longer fight back the urge to sleep with him. I had held back long enough. I walked over to him and straddled across his lap. I began kissing him passionately. He stood up and scooped me up and carried me into the bed room. He already had music and candles going but that was just his vibe. I quickly undressed and he got undressed. He put the condom on and it was a sexual explosion. We literally had sex for hours. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. He was aggressive and dominant but in a good way. He knew what he want and what pleased him. He was sure of himself and his abilities. After that encounter, we became inseparable. We had different work schedules, but we would make time for each other. If I had to work the night shift, he would meet me during his lunch break. He even gave me a key to his apartment. It
I’m Married Now What was definitely official now. Handing me that key meant that he wasn’t seeing anyone else. He trusted me enough to have access to his space. He wanted me in his life. He wanted a future with me in it. We began to spend more time together. I was at his place more than I was at my own.
Despite all the time that we were spending together and all the sex we were having, I knew that I had an end goal in mind. I wanted to be married, have kids and buy a house. He had already done those things and I wasn’t sure if he wanted to travel down that road again. I built up the courage and I told him what I wanted. He said he was fine with that. By the beginning of the following year, we were planning to start a family.We all know the childhood song, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage. Unfortunately, things didn’t happen for me in that order. I had my concerns about having a baby. Two years prior, I had been diagnosed with endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disorder in which the
Once we made the decision to try for a baby, it didn’t take long before I became pregnant. We both were so happy. I was happy because this baby was planned and was made out of love. We both were financially secure and had housing. This situation was a lot different from my past experience with pregnancy. Luke came to every doctor’s appointment. He was there to help me with my morning sickness, which lasted the entire pregnancy. He was attentive and catered to my needs. Luke made the process smooth and relaxing. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.
I’m Married Now What tissues that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. It causes painful periods and pain with intercourse. It can result in infertility. I had a laparoscopy done to remove the scar tissue in order to increase my chances of getting pregnant. Now I had to see if it would work. I was also concerned about miscarrying since that had happened to me before.
I’m Married Now What Chapter Three
I’m Married Now What
Finances In preparation for the baby, we thought it was best if I moved out of the apartment with my best friend and move in with him. It did not make sense for me to pay the extra rent, if I could live with him. The lease was coming to an end soon, so I wasn’t leaving her in a financial bind. We also decided to down size on his apartment.
Luke currently had a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment. The extra room was for his daughters but they never used the room. This allowed us to save more money. Instead of putting my furniture in storage, we stored it in his living room. No one came to visit us anyway so it didn’t bother us. As far as bills went, I paid the utilities and he paid the rent. His car was paid for and I still had a few more payments on mine, plus I had to make the payments on my ex boyfriend’s car.
I’m Married Now What
We knew that we eventually wanted to buy a house, so we had to pull our credit reports to see where we stood. I had a few medical bills but nothing major. For the most part, I stayed on top of my bills. I keep my credit cards low and I made my payments on time. Luke’s credit wasn’t in bad shape but it could use some work. The biggest thing was the child support order from his previous divorce. He didn’t owe a huge balance, but because it was arrears, it was considered a collection. This looked negative on his report. To improve his credit score, I added him as an authorized user to my credit cards, so when I made my payments, he would also receive credit towards his score. He did not have a physical card. We kept our accounts separate but once we got married, we did join accounts. He was skeptical at first. He said that he had done that with his previous wife and she had overdrawn the account multiple times. I would be in control of the account so he didn’t have to worry about that. We both maintained separate savings accounts. Whenever we got extra money, we
I’m Married Now
What would put it towards his child support. He would work extra side jobs and I would get bonuses. We would put a portion aside and eventually we paid it off. We established a household budget that included rent, utilities, insurance, cell phones, gas, groceries and miscellaneous items. We also set aside money for entertainment and travel. By the time the summer came, we were ready to buy the house. Luke found a realtor. She was knowledgeable and nice. She helped us to find a home in a good neighborhood that was within our budget. Although he had proved himself to be dependable and reliable, I didn’t veer away from my rule; I have to be able to afford this on my own. This was my motto for any financial situation that I put myself in. It kept me protected. God forbid something happen like we separated, or he lost his job, I wanted to be able to afford it on my own. I learned my lesson with my ex-boyfriend and the car that I cosigned for.When it came down to financing the house, Luke’s credit still hadn’t gotten to where it needed to be. It wasn’t the
I’m Married Now What child support this time, it was the student loans. He had defaulted on his payments. We didn’t know how to fix that.
Because I had the better credit everything had to go in my name, also because we weren’t married at the time, he could not be on the loan. I didn’t know that. I’m not sure if he did or not. I wasn’t worried or skeptical because we had been together for a year by now, he hadn’t missed any payments or quit his job. He was able to be added to the deed of the house. This served as a type of insurance for him. It basically gave him rights to the house in the event that something were to happen to me. In addition to financing, we secured down payment assistance through a first time home buyer program. President Barack Obama had passed a bill that assisted families with the purchase of their first home. That year, when we filled out taxes, we made out like a fat rat! We had credit for the birth of our daughter and the purchase of a new home. We put half the refund in a savings account and spent the rest
I’m Married Now
What on our home. After we bought the house, we were still flying high. We were enjoying each other’s company. We were able to sit back and look at what we had been able to accomplish in less than a year. It was nice having a partner that was mature and stable. We didn’t argue or have trust issues. I didn’t have any problems with his children’s mother. Everything was cool. When it comes to finances, the goal is to do whatever is necessary for the betterment of the household. It requires teamwork. If one person is good at finances and the other is not, this is an opportunity to teach them what you know. The marriage won’t be as successful is only one person is succeeding. If one person is a saver while the other person is a spender, this is counterproductive, now you have to work twice as hard to accomplish your goals. Finances is not a place for competition. It doesn’t matter who makes the most money. The goal is to build and achieve together. It is recommended to have a conversation about finances. You can start by asking the following questions:
I’m Married Now What • What are your thoughts around money? • Do you pay bills on time or wait until the disconnection notice? • Do you pay bills in full or what you can afford? • Do you have a lot of debt? What time of debt do you have? (Student loans, car loans, credit cards, pay day loans,) • Have you had any repossessions, bankruptcies or collections? • Do you know your credit score? • Are you a spender or a saver? • Do you have any life insurance?
I’m Married Now What Conclusion
I’m Married Now What End Of Sample