Coming soon: Sex, bamboo, and videotape

Let's clear some things up here.Yes, I found this story on the Internet. No, I did not find this story while looking for porn. This is a legitimate news story. If you think I'm lying go to ABCNews.com and look in the science section. The quotes are from the ABCNews.com story by Reuters, followed by my commentary.

I am a finn believer in the old saying !'truth is stranger than fiction." The craziest ideas in the world are not in some novel by Stephen King, but are right here in the world you live in. Crazy ideas have been a part of human history. I bet that people thought that the idea of the Earth revolving around the sun was a crazy idea for its time. The term "crazy" is a matter of perspective. Since I am in charge of the Perspectives section, "crazy" is my department.

Before I tell you to read the rest of this column, I want to assure you, my gentle reader, that what you are about to read is the truth. I know r have been known to make up wild stories but even I could not make something up like this. May the ground swallow me whole if I am lying about this.

You have probably heard about the declining panda population. The pandas are not reproducing. That's right. The pandas are not having sex. To solve this problem, Zhang Hemin, the director of the China Giant Panda Research and Conservation Center, has come up with a revolutionary idea to make pandas have sex: show the pandas videos of other pandas having sex. You read that last statement right, folk·s. China has invented panda porn.

2ltang said that these videos are 'part of the pandas' education. Apparently, these pandas are getting a better sexual education than I did in my I 2 years in Catholic school. Of course, I wouldn't feel comfortable having Sister Helen of the Wicked Backhand show me a video about sexual intercourse.

"During mating season in the wild, young pandas watch the adults fight for their partners and perfonn copulation. That's how they learn all about producing offspring," Zhang said. So it's kind of like when your parents sat you down to have "the talk" with you. I was never given the talk, but I am pretty sure that my parents would never bring me into the bedroom to watch them have intercourse so that I would learn about sex. I don't think any of us had to learn like that. I think we are lucky to live in a society with such instructional outlets for sexual education like the Spice Channel, Internet porn, and those soft-core adult movies on Cinemax at 2 in the morning starring Shannow Tweed.

Zhang comments that pandas are facing a sexual crisis as their natural habits are taken away by pouching and logging. "Pandas get stressed up when the environment is not conducive." Zhang said. "It may be because they feel claustrophobic when the cage is too small, the walls are too high or the temperature is just not right."I can understand this point. Man has taken away the pandas' natural habitat (a.k.a. The Panda Shag Pad) and have put them into captive environments. Who would want to have sex if they were locked in a cage? And what about the pandas living in zoos? It kills the mood when you're making love to the panda of your dreams and a six-year-old boy points at you and says "Mommy, what's that panda doing to that other panda?" So maybe velvet sheets and a Barry White record on the turntable would help the whole having sex environment problem the pandas are having.

"It's mainly the males having problems," said Zhang. Of course the males are going to have problems. Imagine this scenario: You're a man. Ten scientists in white lab coats are going to watch you have sex with a woman. During your romp, they will be taking notes and charting your performance. Talk about performance anxiety!

This last quote from Zhang is the real kicker. "Some females are picky about the males and that's nothing we can do about it." Before I comment on the content of this quote, I would just like to say that I am huge fan of broken English as the following quote was straight off the ABCNews.com web site. Who do these female pandas think they are? They must be the biggest snobs of the animal kingdom. I bet when they reject a male panda they say things like "I wouldn't mate with you even if you were the last panda on Earth." That's when the male panda should reply "Well I just might be the last panda on Earth so let's save our

friggin' species!"

All kidding aside, panda porn has been very successful. The number of impotent panda males has dropped from 80 percent to 60 percent. Zhang says that the stimulation from the tapes "was effective in getting the animals sexually aroused." Panda porn is a hit!

So what have we learned this week? We've learned that truth is stranger than fiction. We've learned that crazy ideas sometimes work. But more importantly, we've learned that we will do anything to save cute animals. If duck-billed platypuses were in danger of becoming extinct, I don't believe scientists would come up with platypus porn to save them. But that's just me, and that's all this is.

Mike "BO's"Butler

Is

the

Perspectives

Editor of the Loquitur. He provided the catchy bass line in the newest panda porn movie "Ling-Ling does Beijing." Laura held the camera.