V O L U M E X X V, N U M B E R X X X I V
MAY 2014
25TH ANNIVERSARY
misprints OH NO! NOT ANOTHER....
FEATURE ARTICLE:
WHO REALLY WRITES MISPRINTS?
THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE PROVISIONAL MARKETING RESEARCH SOCIETY MISPRINTS CONTAINS 100% RECYCLED EDITORIAL MATERIAL
it’ll probably be about same CMRP/MCP POINTS READING THIS ISSUELike, WILL EARN YOUthe 417 - Vendela -
LOOKING FORWARD, LOOKING BACK
“The fate of all artists......To have people say they preferred the early work.” Tom Stoppard The Real Thing
Yes Virginia it’s true. There really IS another issue of MISPRINTS! SEMPER UBI, SUB UBI
misprints
And it really IS the 25th Anniversary of the launch, on May 15, 1989, of what has been described as “the most influential newsletter in the history of Marketing Research”*
VOLUME XXV, NUMBER XXXIV
It’s great to be back, after a short hiatus due to the well - publicized legal challenges that we were facing.
M AY 2 0 1 4
highlights
Some treats to look forward to in this Silver Anniversary Edition.....
The Front Cover
1
Forward and Back
2
Award Winning Letters
3
Non - Winning Letters
4
Hall of Fame Gala
6
MISPRINTS Parties
8
Rich And / Or Famous
9
Who Writes This Stuff?
10
Foreign Affairs
11
* The very first online - only edition of MISPRINTS! * Awards for the three best letters we've received from readers in the past 25 years. (See the facing page. ) * An exciting new policy on Book Reviews. * A Feature Article that will certainly create a major controversy, “Who REALLY Writes MISPRINTS?” * A ground-breaking decision on our new Anti - Spam policy. * New MISPRINTS Hall of Fame members honoured at a Gala Banquet After 25 years, we are closer than ever to realizing the Dream that we had when we created the Provisionals : not just a Distinct Society, but UN PAYS !
The One-And-Only Editor Book Reviews
12
Etcetera
14
The Final Word
16
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• M I S P R I N T S • May 2014
* From my review “The Story of MISPRINTS” in the Retrospective Issue, December 2002.
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AWA R D W I N N I N G L E T T E R S
The (Other) Qual Col
Reader feedback has always been a critically important element of your monthly newsletter. We asked our Editorial Review Board to select the three best letters we had received from readers over the past 25 years. Here are their choices. (And note that in each case authorship has been authenticated!)
THE BRONZE MEDAL
To Bob Cody, writing as The Duke of Markham in MISPRINTS # 31, December 2005.
THE SILVER MEDAL
It’s quite interesting to contemplate the evolution of the newsletter from a cheaply – produced piece of crap to a more expensively – produced piece of crap. Cancel my subscription!
To Jane Hall (the Founder and Creator of IMPRINTS), writing as The Wicked Witch of the West in MISPRINTS # 11, Spring 1992.
Please continue sending MISPRINTS each month. It's fascinating to watch you trying to work out all your unresolved teenage conflicts in print.
THE GOLD MEDAL To Trevor Collier, writing as Forever Trevor in MISPRINTS # 16, Summer 1993.
Ever consider putting all that creative energy into something worthwhile?
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May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 3
When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITOR NON - WINNING LETTERS
A note to our Readers The following represent a small sampling from the hundreds of letters that have come in over the past five years. Has it really been that long?
To The Absentee Editor
To the Board of Directors Congratulations on yet another 25th Anniversary! We’ve run into a few snags moving forward with development of MISPRINTS: THE MOVIE. But this is a Film that simply has to be made.
When I enquired about the non-appearance of MISPRINTS, I was first told that you were “traveling”!? I found this kind of hard to believe, as I’m pretty sure you’ve never set foot outside the GTA. A World Traveler you're not!
Responsible Art deserves to be protected with all our powers from those who would borrow it's mantle to protect and ennoble displays of unredeemed depravity and violence.
So what’s the real story?
Thanks so much Danny! Keep us posted.
Frank The Crank
Actually......When I re-read your closing sentence, the words sound strangely familiar?
The writer regards himself as an expert on things International, but bear in mind that this is a man who still believes that the Capital of Cambodia is a City called Sean Penn. And as a matter of fact, I did have a great trip last year, visiting Norway, Mexico, China, Germany, Morocco and a few other Countries I can’t remember. That EPCOT is just an amazing place!
To the Provisional Treasurer I’ve just received a spiffy lapel pin from the MRIA. Any plans to issue one for The Provos? The Gaddfly
The Banter Brothers
Why might that be?
Au Contraire! For me, MISPRINTS has always been an entirely spurious work, the product of a mind/sensibility that will probably now - thanks to the premature adulation - never transcend its adolescent maturity, seeking at all points to involve the audience in its complacent sense of its own cleverness, it's own emptiness and cynicism. The Late Paul Burak Say, what’s going on here? I’ve read those words somewhere else as well??
We’re going them one better! All Provisional Members will soon be receiving a beautiful imitation gold - plated nipple ring, which will enable you to show where your true loyalties lie! This will also allow everyone to quickly and easily identify Fellow Provo Members. Wear them with Pride! I’ve just put mine on now. Only stings for a minute. Minimal bleeding.
To the MISPRINTS Staff You asked me for my impressions of the Conference in Saskatoon. I went. Not a bad conference. The setting was nice. Chuckchuck Rapani Former PhD
To All Misprints Subscribers A headline from a recent article in The Globe And Mail..... Auction of 3,000 Misprints expected to reach $4M U.S. I’ve saved 100 mint copies of each of the first 30 issues. Hope many of you took my advice and did the same!
That’s exactly the same Review that you've given to the last five Conferences!? In fact, isn’t that actually what Churchill said about The Potsdam Conference in ‘45?
Less Jones, Pres-for-Life Wonder if that Auction’s taken place yet? I’ve kept all my MISPRINTS and all my old Archie comic books. Now’s the time to cash in on both! 4
• M I S P R I N T S • May 2014
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NON - WINNING LETTERS
Welcome Back! Great to have MISPRINTS back again! I’ve always kept my copies right beside the toilet. How’s this going to work if you’re going online? Shady Charlie Hmmm. Good question! Let’s address it with one of our InstaPolls! Where do YOU keep your copies of MISPRINTS? Right beside the toilet ( ) Somewhere else ( ) Specify : ________________ We should have all the responses tabbed by the time you get to the back pages!
A Really Important Question I’ve been trying to contact LoveStats for weeks now, but I can never get a reply. Can MISPRINTS help? When my boy friend says he Luvs me, I’m positive he’s spelling it with a “U”, not an “O”. I can hear it!! And I just feel that may not be as good as the one with the O?
The (Other) Qual Col
To My Fellow Provisionals Where on Earth is Dan QuelCoon? No one seems to have seen him for years!? What’s happened to the MISPRINTS Movie? Even your picture of him on Page 7 seems odd. He looks..... different, somehow? Has he been ill? Do you think that if a bunch of his friends got together to sing a few choruses of “Danny Boy” that might lure him out of seclusion? Constance Reider Not a bad idea. Maybe give it a try! Danny did show up briefly at the Hall of Fame Gala to accept his Award, but then again dropped out of sight. Rumour has it that he’s been staying in his Villa in Qatar, where he’s been working on his Movie script for the past seven years. Incidentally, I believe that the correct name of the familiar Irish melody that you’re referring to is actually “London Derrière”.
To the Provisional Membership
Anne Ominous Well, we’re going to turn this one over to the LoveStats Queen herself, Dr. A. Pettit. How often do I have to explain to you people that LoveStats is NOT an Advice to the Lovelorn site?!? It simply means that I truly Love Statistics! (And it also has absolutely nothing to do with the number of foul shots Kevin Love makes for the Timberwolves!) What you need is my alternate blog, LuvRats. And you’re absolutely right. When a guy says “Yeah, Luv ya Babe”, in terms of an emotional commitment that's about on a par with “Where’s the Remote?” Dump the loser immediately! Dr. Annie
An Alternative Proposal
As most of you are aware, a great many people will soon be losing their CMRP designation because of failure to acquire enough Maintenance of Certification points. Meanwhile some Researchers (Chuckchuck Rapani, Cam Davis, Annie Pettit, etc.) have accumulated hundreds of points, and would like to be able to get some return on their investment. With that in mind, I created a Points Exchange Program, where excess points could be sold to people who really need them. I’ve now learned that the MRIA is determined to stop the popular PEP initiative. They plan to do so by attacking the Buyers, rather than the Sellers. There would be no penalty for selling Points, but anyone buying them would be in violation of the Code of Conduct, and would risk expulsion. In my opinion, this would not stop the exchange of points between consenting Researchers; it would simply push the transactions into dangerous back alleys.
Paul's plan (on the right) has some merit, but in my opinion the great majority of current CMRP’s will still be losing their credentials in the very near future. This has already happened to dozens of my friends. In response, I’ve been setting up a number of exCMRP Support Groups across the Country. Researchers who have lost their letters will benefit from Psychiatric Counseling and Career Advice. In addition, we encourage our Clients to embrace their new status, wear our lapel pins, and sign their correspondence as I have done below.
Canada should adopt the Open Exchange policies of progressive Countries such as Italy, where Research points are bought and sold openly in a free market!
East Virginia Former CMRP
We understand that Sellers would also be forbidden to operate within one kilometer of any School.
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Paolo Acerbi Temporary Foreign Worker
May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 5
When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still well.” THE EDITOR THE HALL OF worth FAMEdoing GALA
The Provisional Marketing Research Society created our Misprints Hall of Fame in 2004, driven by frustration at our lack of success in having any Marketing Researchers selected for Canada’s Walk of Fame in Downtown Toronto. A Selection Committee was formed, consisting of the Provo Executive: Les Jones, Chris Commins and Meredith Ware. No one could argue with the Committee’s choices for the initial Honourees: Jones, Commins and Ware. (Never heard any arguments.) As shown on the left, the names of the Inductees were posted on “The Poll of Fame” at the busy and appropriately named intersection of Research Road and Leslie. The site has become one of Leaside’s premier tourist attractions. Over the past ten years, the Board has often been asked “Say, how could I get MY name on that telephone post?” (Other than carving it on yourself.) When the Hall of Fame was first created, The Board set out some stringent criteria for selection. The Catholic Church’s protocol for assessing candidates for Sainthood was the model, and appointment to our Hall of Fame required proof of three authenticated miracles linked to the nominee’s name. This requirement turned out to be more challenging than we had anticipated. Quite a few Researchers (including several of those pictured on the overleaf ) were able to cite TWO miracles, but the third proved to be elusive. Consequently, the Provisional Board met to reconsider the rules for Admittance, and these were modified at a Board Meeting in April. As of May 2014, our 25th Anniversary, nomination to the Hall of Fame requires only: * Frequent appearance in MISPRINTS, and * A demonstrated commitment to the financial goals of the Hall of Fame Program. On that basis, twelve well-known Researchers were Nominated, seven of whom were approved by the Board: Thelma Beam Dan Colquhoun
Mike Gadd Nancy Gulland
Steve Levy Virginia O’Reilly Kathleen Vollebregt
Their portraits are shown on the facing page, along with their MISPRINTS “Plume Names”. The winners were honoured at a Gala Banquet held May 9th at President Jones’ luxurious Mansion in The Beach. The new Legends were given fancy Certificates (definitely suitable for framing) which outlined all of the rights and privileges associated with their new status. Congratulations, you lot! No expense was spared to make the Evening special. Entertainment was provided by the wonderful musicians, The Sultans of String, who charge BIG money for private concerts, believe me. Nominations for the next round of Hall of Fame candidates are currently being accepted.
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THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
The (Other) Qual Col
The Gaddfly
East Virginia
Princess Moonbeam
Nancy G-Spot *
Danny Q
Even Steven
Dr. E. K. Vollebregt
* Nancy on the left, Owner on the right v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a
May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 7
When a thing’s not worth at all, it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITOR THEdoing MISPRINTS PARTIES: 2009 - 2013
When MISPRINTS announced that we were suspending publication “for a while” due to a series of unjustified lawsuits, our Social-Director-For-Life stepped up to the plate. In order to keep the Provisional Spirit alive, Meredith organized a series of outstanding Parties over the five – year period from 2009 through 2013, each one wilder than the last. All of these events had several things in common : very exclusive, invitation only, restricted to MISPRINTS Subscribers, prestigious locations, announced at the very last minute.
After eight attempts, the MISPRINTS Cheerleaders team managed to line up in the correct order. (“R” comes after “P”!)
The inaugural Bash (“The Spring Fling”) was held on September 30, 2009, at the exclusive Balmy Beach Club, a stone’s throw from the Editor’s home. (“And I’ve proved it!”) The venues for subsequent events included The RCYC, Canoe, The Carlu and The Granite Club. We’ ll be showing candid photos from each of the five years over the next several issues of your monthly Newsletter, beginning here with 2009, culminating in the notorious 2013 bacchanal, when 17 arrests were made.
The hard-working MISPRINTS support Staff enjoyed a rare night off.
The putative Editor with two of the Newsletter's major financial backers. (Now you know why their names appear so often!) A ceremony honouring the memory of the late Paul Burak was held on the Wallyball courts.
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T hC. e (O ther) Qual LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND / OR FAMOUS: DR. RAPANI
From the Toronto Star's Real Estate News section
Col
THE HIGH LIFE Chuck Chakrapani* has a stunning condo 43 floors above downtown Toronto with full hotel services and amenities The Suites at 1 King West are built on and around the World War 1-era Dominion Bank Canada – 51 storeys and 572 suites, a mix of hotel and residential space that marketing director Matta Black says complicates the company's tax return - but makes it a more interesting place to live. An upscale ghetto? Heaven forbid. The hotel website boasts suite deals with rates starting at $749 a night. At the other end of the scale, Chakrapani – one of 10 condo owners in the building – reckons he has the high side of $10 million wrapped up in his home. BILL TAYLOR SPECIAL TO THE STAR You can get used to anything, though some things are easier than others. Soldiers in the trenches of World War I grew accustomed to living like moles. Chuck Chakrapani has grown accustomed to living like Donald Trump. “I never think about it now,” he says, a galaxy of lights stretched out on three sides as far as the eye can see and the sounds of the city little more than a soporific hum. “It’s my friends who point it out.” How gauche. But also, understandable. Chakrapani has a stunning condo 43 floors above downtown Toronto with full hotel services and a panoramic view to the south, east and west. That’s just the sort of thing people notice and remak upon.
There again, he did buy four suites and bring in his own architect and designer “I put more than $2 million into that alone” – to create a custom-built pad for himself, totalling about 4,900 square feet. “It’s a unique suite," he says. “It’s exactly what I wanted and on the highest floor that would give me a terrace.” It has, as a matter of fact, given him four terraces. “I always dreamed of living in a hotel. It was a fantasy. But not one that I set out to make come true. It sort of happened around me.” His Suite comes with a fitness centre, sauna, business centre, valet parking, drycleaning, a concierge, a martini bar in the lobby and other hotel amenities, including around-the-clock room service. “If I have guests and I don’t have anything to feed them then I pick up the phone and order from room service.”
Chakrapani leads a tour of his apartment in the sky. The guest bedroom doubles as a fitness room. There’s a separate laundry room and fireplaces in the living room and master bedroom. And million-dollar views everywhere you look, including what Black calls “the money shot: the CN Tower”. When he reclines in the tub in the bathroom, Chakrapani says he can see “all five big bank towers – Scotia, BMO, CIBC, Royal and TD. It’s nice to keep an eye on all my Money!” There’s an electric blind on the window so the bankers can’t see him at his ablutions. But your eye keeps being drawn to the windows and the rhythmic movement of the tiny little people on the streets far below. It’s a dream come true. It’s the movies. It’s Donald Trump. “Donald came over for Dinner last week " Chuck chuckled. “We were comparing the size of our Towers.” As we said Goodnight, Dr. Chakrapani’s stereo was playing one of his favourite songs, from Camelot: “What do the Simple Folk do, To help them escape when they’re blue?” *(Typical of The Star! They couldn’t even spell my name correctly!? Plus someone has altered every single number in the above piece, compared to the original article??? Dr. C. Rapani)
NEXT MONTH: We visit Dan QuelCoon’s Villa in Qatar v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a
May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 9
When a thing’s notW worth H O doing R E AatL all, L Yit’s Wstill R I worth T E S doing M I Swell.” P R I NTHE T SEDITOR ?
R
umours had been percolating on the Twitterverse for years, but perhaps the first serious airing of the controversy over the authorship of MISPRINTS was the letter from Steve Levy in the December 2005 issue, revealing that Dan Brown, author of “The Da Vinci Code”and long-time Misprints subscriber, was working on a book entitled “Who Really Writes MISPRINTS?” The next development in this fascinating story was the major Conference sponsored last October by the Universities of Guelph and York on the authorship of Shakespeare’s plays. This inspired the Provisionals to address our authorship question directly, with a full-day Conference, and I was asked to summarize the Proceedings. My writeup of this historic event follows. Dr. E.K. Vollebregt Hall of Fame Inductee
The Toronto Conference attracted delegates from all over the World, including Dan Brown and Margaret Atwood, herself often suggested as a possible MISPRINTS author. Also in attendance were many of the Academics who had been at the Shakespeare debate. Chris Commins had been invited to speak, but chose to geezercott the event, claiming that he was “preparing a comeback Edition”. The Program was divided into two parts. In the Morning, a number of speakers offered evidence and opinions on why Commins was probably not the Author. And in the Afternoon, the question “If not Commins, who?” was addressed. The first speaker, Maggy Faddoul of Montreal, challenged Commins’ claim that he had been a French Major at U of T. Her conclusion: the claim was “rire-able”.
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• M I S P R I N T S • May 2014
Maggy was followed by Dr. Charles Leech, who extended his earlier Semiotic analysis of the newsletter, arguing that all of the sophisticated literary signals sent out each month by MISPRINTS could not have been created by a University dropout with no published works to his name. After a break, Catherine Dine offered a Qualitative perspective. In her opinion, it just didn’t FEEL like Chris could have produced MISPRINTS. “Occasionally there are things in the Newsletter that have made me smile” she said “whereas in all the time I’ve spent with him personally, I’ve never once heard him say anything even remotely funny.” She also made the point that she had been told that some of the other candidates for Authorship “had actually published books”. The crushing blow, however, came from the legendary Statistician, Lock Sing Leung. Lock Sing had gained access to over 3,000 emails written by Commins over the past three months. He then created a computer program to compare the literary style of these emails with that of MISPRINTS. His Conclusion : With the possible exception of the first three amateurish newsletters, the chances that these two bodies of work were written by the same Author approached zero. At that point, Conference Chair Dan Brown called for a vote on the motion: “Resolved: That we believe that Chris Commins was NOT the Author of the monthly Newsletter MISPRINTS that has been published over the past 25 years.”
Delegates were asked to complete ballots offering their opinion on the likely Author. The first round of voting produced 27 different names, including both Christopher Marlowe and the Earl of Oxford. As the process continued, however, the lower-ranking names began to drop off, Yours Truly among them. (I would like to thank the six delegates who apparently believed that I was capable of writing MISPRINTS. I wish!) Eventually it became clear that there were three serious candidates: Dr. Chuckchuck Rapani, the Late Paul Burak and Margaret Atwood herself. Just before the crucial next ballot, the celebrated Canadian Novelist huddled with her supporters, and then, in a dramatic moment, walked across the floor and released her delegates to Rapani! That settled the matter. Chuckchuck won the final ballot with 98.47% support. The Conference Chair summed up the Conclusion of the Attendees in his closing remarks “Erudition, Sophistication, Education, Publication and - critically - with respect to the high level of Statistical Expertise for which MISPRINTS is famous, the Answer is NOT Commins..... Rapani is the Organ Grinder!” Case closed! The Conference was so successful that planning for an Encore in 2015 has already begun. The Theme: “Who Really Writes Michael Adams’ Books?”
IT’S THIS CC
NOT THAT CC*
The motion passed, with 98.47% support. So, time for Lunch! The Committee had arranged for our Luncheon to be jointly catered by Swiss Chalet and Tim Hortons, pleasing all the Canadians, and impressing all our International visitors. Following the pleasant break, it was time to get down to the critical decision.
* (Photo from the May 1989 issue)
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FOREIGN AFFAIRS
W
e’re delighted to announce a new MISPRINTS Columnist.
From his base in Chicago, long-time Provisional Member Mike Nestler will roam the World, seeking out Research stories for our Subscribers. The position of Foreign Correspondent has been vacant since the Summer of 1992, when Mme Elaine Murphée resigned following a controversy over expense claims. Murphée submitted a bill for over $3,000 to cover a supposed flight from Toronto to Paris, but then filed a piece about the glories of Paris, Ontario, where she lives. But that’s all Water under the Fridge now. Over the next few months Mike will be checking out the Research Scene in places such as Rio, the Ukraine and Qatar. His first column investigates a mysterious “Dress Shop” in, sure enough, Paris. The grainy photo below was taken with a surveillance camera implanted in Nestler’s (left) nostril. What a Dream Assignment for a born reporter! The International beat for my favourite newsletter! On a recent trip to Paris (Note to Accounting: the Overseas one) I accidentally discovered the secret – and I must say, very cleverly disguised – entrance to the Global Nerve Centre (Canadian spelling please) of Research juggernaut IPSOS.
My first clue was that the mannequins in the window were wearing sunglasses....a signal that there was clandestine business afoot. My second clue was that the two pictures in the upper - left and right at the back of the store looked suspiciously like Jennifer Camelford and Brenda Graham. So this is where they've gone! Sure enough, when I entered the store I was greeted by an excessively attentive clerk (especially for Paris!) carrying a poorly-disguised Blackberry under her jacket. As soon as I uttered the code words “Earn Out” I was ushered into a dressing room at the rear of the store. In the dressing room was an electronic tablet upon which, obviously, I needed to write out the formula for an independent two-sample t-test where both samples are of equal size and equal variance. As soon as I entered the formula (correctly), the back wall of the dressing room spun around and I whooshed down a long chute and was deposited on a huge pillow in the centre of a room of massive proportions populated by men in white coats, enormous arrays of monitors, boxes with blinking lights, and trays of those tasty meringue cookies from Lauduree. Unfortunately, at this point in my adventure, my " hosts " realized that while I was Canadian and did know my t-tests, I was not John Hallward or Darrell Bricker.
The (Other) Qual Col
An alarm was sounded, and I was quickly ushered out. “At least you’re not Angus!” they muttered. Back on the street, I knew that the only people who would listen to my story without immediately pronouncing me insane were MISPRINTS readers, who have for many years been fighting courageously for all that is just and true in Marketing Research. I thought about trying to sell the information to Martin Sorrell, but I decided that being independently wealthy for the rest of my Life was far less important than arming the Provisionals with the information they need to carry on the struggle. Next time any of you are in the company of one of those IPSOS cognoscenti you should confront them with the “Dress Shop” photo unexpectedly and see how they react! Well that’s it for now, so I’ll say Aujourd’hui. (I picked up a little of the language while I was in Paris.) Next month I’ll be in Rio. President Jones tells me that there’s apparently some sort of important Soccer game taking place. And if that’s not an Oxymoron I don’t know what is! (Great Book Review Les!) Mike Nestler, signing off for MISPRINTS.
This picture was taken from the street, on Avenue de Friedland, a stone's throw from the Arc de Triomphe! At first I thought “What a coincidence! A dress shop in Paris called IPSOS! “ But then the sinister truth crept up and slapped me in the face like a wet baguette. I remembered my early Research training watching episodes of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (Do you remember what U.N.C.L.E. stands for? ) v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a
May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 11
When a thing’s not worth doing THE EDITOR E SatS all, E Nit’s T I still A L worth R E Adoing D I Nwell.” G
Welcome to our expanded Book Review section, featuring a revolutionary new approach to the topic. Beginning this Month, all book reviews in MISPRINTS will be written by the Authors themselves! Who knows the book better than the person who wrote it? We don’t understand why no one seems to have come up with this idea before? We’re featuring reviews from two well-known Toronto Researchers on two quite different books. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them as much as the Authors did!
“Soccer is like Marketing Research, only without the dice.” Reviewed by Leicester Jones The Author needs no Introduction. Jones is seeking an American Publisher, convinced that the Market in the States for a book on Canadian Soccer is almost limitless.
“SOCCER: Canada’s National Sport” is a Masterpiece! Most Canadians consider Soccer – a game where a 1-0 victory is regarded as high scoring – as boring. This book goes out of its way to prove the point. Indeed, the only topic possibly more boring than soccer is history, and this overpriced and overly-lengthy volume adroitly combines both. It is a Masterpiece, but of the uninteresting, the trite and the forgettable. It is strikingly out-of-date and inaccurate. Topics “covered” include: • The tallest referees in Manitoba • How to mark out a pitch while listening to iTunes • An audit of players' half-time beverages • How to make your own goal posts • Great one-legged players from Etobicoke • How Chinese-made corner flags compare with Korean-made
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• How to blow a whistle while running backwards • Your career as an assistant stretcher-bearer • Offsides explained in 278 concise pages • Diving for profit • How to throw toilet-rolls with accuracy • How to restrain your enthusiasm when someone actually shoots on net • How to avoid meeting Chelsea supporters As Meredith Ware remarked “If you laid all the soccer players in Ontario end to end, they still wouldn’t reach the net.” In combining questionable facts, dubious statistics, incomprehensible interpretation and perplexing conclusions, the book exhibits those attributes which gave Dr. Chuckchuck Rapani’s “My favourite statistical analysis of various market research statistical analyses “the prestigious award of “The World’s Most Boring Book”.
In an attempt to retain this World Title ad infinitum, Rapani & Jones are combining to publish another mind-numbing treatise: “A comprehensive analysis of 0-0 soccer games in the Northwest Territories, 1925-1957” .....456 pages in eightpoint type with a special colour section by guest contributor Sheila O’Brien of San Francisco. (She put the ‘Zee’ in the A to Z of Expatriate Researchers.) Reviewers are already enthusing about the new book, Frank declaring it “Almost as exciting as a focus group report on homeheating oil”. In a desperate measure to maintain membership levels - and to goose sagging sales a copy of the book will also automatically be sent to all renewing members of The Provisionals. Additional copies are available in the Discount Section of Honest Ed’s, alongside Professor Rapani’s 537 other titles. In summary, Mr. Jones has made a laudable but ultimately totally unsuccessful attempt to make Soccer even vaguely interesting. Unfortunately, the book fails to score. The Author should have got his kicks elsewhere and stuck to his first love, the far more challenging Indoor Wallyball. v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a
T hG e !( O t h e r ) A B S O L U T E LY E S S E N T I A L R E A D I N
Qual Col
“The Listen Lady: A novel and social media research guide baked into one” Reviewed by F. Annie Pettit Phd
The UkuleleTotin', StatisticsQuotin' Doctor Annie is the Editor of VUE, our Monthly Research Newsletter rival.
AND READ WHAT OTHER REVIEWERS HAD TO SAY ABOUT “THE LISTEN LADY”
Almost as good as my own book! Less Jones
"The Listen Lady" is a Masterpiece!
Even better than my Brother’s book! More Jones
Not since Charles Dickens penned David Copperfield has such a quaint and delightful novel come to market. This revolutionary novel details an exquisitely innovative and insightful methodology previously unheard of and never even imagined.
Makes me want to give up writing! M. Atwood
The author has invented stunningly accurate methods called “sentiment analysis” and “content analysis” which reveal 98.376% valid and reliable insights as gathered from social media websites such as Facebox and the Tweeter.
Listen, Lady, who the Hell do you think you are?? Frank Magazine
Survey researchers and focus groups researchers have made valiant attempts to discredit the novel as it would immediately render their services moot. The underground research network led by Misprints will surely prevent this horrific outcome.
I knew we had a Winner! C. Commins, Editor, Misprints
Purchase your copy today and save the market research world forever. Loved the Stats! C. Rapani, Editor, Misprints
Coming Next Month! Two Toronto Researchers (one Qual, one Quant) review their ground-breaking new book, How To Poo At Work.
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May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 13
When a thing’s not worth doing at all, Eit’s still TC E Tworth E R Adoing well.” THE EDITOR
ANTI - SPAM LEGISLATION APPROVED!
IT’S ALIVE!!! From our issue of December 2008..... After two decades in print, satirical gossip magazine Frank is the latest casualty of the struggling magazine Industry, alerting subscribers that it will stop publishing immediately, in print and online. Well, it was inevitable. Both MISPRINTS and Frank were launched on May 15, 1989, and from Day One pundits predicted that only one would survive. So, Arrivederci Frank! Then what do we hear earlier this year? After a five-year absence, rights to the moribund publication had been purchased by minor Research firm Burak Jacobsen, with Frank Jacobsen earmarked as the eponymous Editor!
Thanks to the efforts of your Provisional Marketing Research Society, the use of SPAM in Focus Group sandwiches has now been banned throughout North America. Hawaii - where the stuff apparently grows on trees – asked for and was granted an exemption. This is a cause that the Provos have been working on for over five years, so it’s very satisfying to finally achieve success. And it’s also significant that the Provisionals were the lead organization on this critically important issue.
I N S TA P O L L R E S U LT S In his Letter to The Editor, Charles Schade mentioned that he usually kept his copies of MISPRINTS “right beside the toilet”. We wondered if that was typical, and our Readers replied. (n = 4) Where do YOU keep your copies of MISPRINTS? Right beside the toilet ..........25% Far away from the toilet .......25% Right in the toilet ................25% 1-800-weshred .....................25% Thought-provoking response patterns! And as far as Charles’ point about our move to online publishing is concerned, we’ll be happy to provide paper copies to anyone who likes to keep their newsletters near the toilet. 1 4
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Jacobsen told reporters that Frank would initially appear in what he referred to as an “Out of Town Tryout”, available only in Nova Scotia. Well, after a fair bit of effort we did manage to track down a copy ( Thanks Heather! ), and have reproduced one of their “articles” overleaf. What can we say? Remember that Classic review? “This will appeal to people who like this sort of thing.” A word of advice, Frank: Stay out of Toronto!
THE STING We were expecting strong support from National Advertisers for this, our comeback Edition, and were surprised when it was not forthcoming. The mole that we have planted in the MRIA Offices (Christine Mole, actually) confirmed that the desperate VUE staff has been stealing ads intended for MISPRINTS, and were now planning to do the same with Editorial material!? To obtain proof of the latter, we set up a clever Sting Operation. We left a plain brown envelope at the MRIA front desk marked “Article for MISPRINTS”. We've never received it, so we're certain that you'll see the stolen piece in your next issue of VUE. It should be simple to spot, given the distinctive MISPRINTS Editorial style. Watch for it. And when that occurs we'll have the Smoking Gun that we were seeking! v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a
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May 2014 • M I S P R I N T S
• 15
MISPRINTS: THE FINAL WORD
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