Mostly BDSM

Vanilla & Spice but mostly BDSM

Written by Anonymous

I’m sure many of you have seen the not-so-great movie, or read the books of, 50 Shades of Grey. Now I know some of you found these titillating, tantalising, and, honestly quite tasteful, however, in the reality of it, it’s quite BULLSHIT. Anyone familiar with the BDSM scene would know that 50 Shades of Grey does not provide a safe, healthy, or realistic representation of what BDSM is. With the addition of more and more shows/movies appearing on TV/streaming services showing the world of more structured and ‘hardcore’ (term used loosely) BDSM; such as, dominatrix and humiliation or the heavily controlled breath play as is the likes in Netflix’s BONDiNG or what can be seen in Ryan Murphy’s AMAZING show Pose.

When you read or hear about what these are, you probably think kinky, but the reality is BDSM is not limited to sex. In quite a few cases the mental connotations of some acts are more of a turn on than the prelude of a particular act leading to sex, or sex itself. Another way to think of it is the overused and famous quote “It’s about the journey not the destination”, where sex is the destination and the much more fun, entertaining, and enjoyable part is foreplay or the more BDSM/kink side of things.

In the reality of modern-day relationships (of any sort from casual to committed natures) BDSM is a lot more commonplace than you’d think. You might be starting to or already incorporating elements of BDSM into your bedroom life without realising; from the simple restriction of movements by holding their hands above their heads developing into restriction using other means, or light choking (breath play), roleplay, outdoors, public, exhibition or voyeurism, or more commonly, taking on more dominant or submissive roles during sex. All of which have become more readily seen in relationships or hookups.

There isn’t anything wrong with it, and in my opinion, it honestly makes it more enjoyable and adds more to just the ‘making the beast with two backs’, aka sex. Which brings up the question of “what is vanilla?” Commonly, vanilla has been used to describe the more mundane everyday version of sex. It’s just the good old regular standard, and typically more of, what is deemed, a romantic side of sex; and there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you are enjoying it!

Within BDSM there are heaps of different archetypes and, just like genetics, everyone is different and finding someone with the same preferences is probably extremely unlikely to occur. However, there are some common ones which people can identify with or parts of ranging from dom/sub (dominant & submissive; with someone who is both being switch) through to brat/ brat tamer. It is also important to know that preferences can change over time, even between different partners (such as with switch, who could be dominant one moment but submissive the next), and it is a completely natural thing to happen. Just like sexuality and gender,

For others reading this, I’m sure your question is what is BDSM? Well, the acronym stands for bondage dominant sadism and masochism, representing three main components:

• BD: Bondage and Discipline – playing with physical restraints, training, punishment, etc. • DS: Dominance and Submission – playing with obedience, power exchange, service, humility, etc • SM: Sadism and Masochism – playing with pain, degradation, humiliation, fear, etc.

It is a consensual activity respecting the fundamental rights of every human involved.

RAM | ISSUE 02 how ‘kinky’, or involved with BDSM, you are is a spectrum and can change. Such was the case with myself starting as predominantly vanilla and open to some things, now I am predominantly switch, brat and brat tamer.

If you do want to find out more about different archetypes and where you sit in regards to the spectrum head to: bdsmtest.org/select-mode or bdsmtest.org/info for a great test to explore and learn to understand some things.

If you do want to start exploring the world of BDSM in a more defined setting, then I suggest you do it with someone you are comfortable with and have an open conversation about things you want to try and explore. Remember, the most important thing is safety, so establish a safe word and talk through what your boundaries (and your hard boundaries, which are the absolute hell no moments) are.

A good place to start in the BDSM world is basic sensory deprivation, with the likes of a blindfold (for sight) and handcuffs or rope (or a tie, belt, or scarf which are both more readily available). I would recommend exploring Shibari rope bondage (more info available at: cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a44875/ bdsm-bondage-beginner-information/ or cosmopolitan – what is BDSM? An expert guide to BDSM sex for beginners). But remember sensory deprivation is an unfamiliar feeling for us humans (especially beginners) so start slow and check in with each other. Even more important is talk and reflect afterwards! I know… AWKWARD! But you will find it will help develop your relationship with your partner(s), with yourself and with what sex and intimacy means to you. When you do take a step into more or ‘higher level’ toys, kinks or BDSM, take time and don’t rush. The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy it in a safe and consented environment! If you do want to read more about this, I recommend the It is a massive world out there when it comes to BDSM, so why not explore it, and find out what aspects you like. I found that exploring and understanding the ‘beginner’ (or commonly referred to as the ‘lighter’ side) BDSM, and some aspects I have explored further, helped me develop as a person and figure out what I want in relationships with myself and others. I know that it sounds cliché, but it helped me be more confident in myself romantically, sexually, and physically.

So, please do enjoy and explore but do it with an open mind, consent, respect, and protection (contraception, which if you do want to play without then have an open talk with your partner(s), get tested, and talk to your GP or health clinic professionals for a better understanding). If you are sexually active with your partner(s), then it is recommended that you get tested regularly (such as at least every three months or more frequently).