Horny Horoscopes

from RAM Issue #2 March/Poutu-te-rangi

LUSA 22’ Clubs

Aries

March 21 – April 19

As an Aries, you love to take charge and do things your way. Impress your partner this month with the most confident move of all: Skip the foreplay, do just enough to satisfy yourself and leave. It’s a bold and sexy move that’s sure to leave your lover mystified.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re usually never the one to take the initiative when it comes to sex. But it’s not like you’re not waiting for them to make that move. Once they open the gate for you, it doesn’t take you long for you to sex it up. Damn, now you’re missing it, aren’t you? You love expressing your feelings physically and right now you have feelings in abundance. So what you really wanna do is have your bae over and do an all-nighter!

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t try to play confusing mind games with your lovers this month, Gemini. Instead, play actual mind games: There’s nothing hotter than a no-holds-barred game of strip poker.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For you, good sex is an experience that fills up your senses, putting it in John Denver’s words. Your body thrives on the healing power of touch and without it, you feel like something’s missing. All you wanna do is canoodle with your bae before proceeding to try out wild sex positions because you’re 50% sweet, 50% hoe.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

A good relationship is a team effort, Libra, and you’re no stranger to this. Take a break and let your partner put in all the work for a few months. You’ve earned it.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Show off your wild side in bed this month, Leo. Surprise your partner by punching them right in the face.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Put your analytic skills to use this month, Virgo, by creating a meticulously researched 200 page Powerpoint presentation on why your crush should hook up with you. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ve got a great piece of Microsoft Office experience to put on your LinkedIn page.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Being one of the most sexual zodiac signs, passionate sex helps you use that pent up energy towards something much more pleasant. So if you’re cohabiting with your partner, use your charm to let them know you mean business. Dim the lights, pour yourself a wine and go on and pleasure yourself. Partner or no partner, you need them orgasms to feel rejuvenated.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You love that rush of adrenaline – be it travelling to different cities or different places in orgasmville. Unfortunately, both seem rather difficult now unless you’re living with a partner. You miss having wild nights out and drunk kissing hotties. Until then, you’re making sure your sexts are hotter than Jamie Dornan’s abs.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

For the rest of the world, you’re a cool and composed human. You rarely indulge in PDA or talk about your sex life. But for your bae, you’re a kinkstar! Underneath that earthy neutrality is a sex god who is wild and needs crazy sex to feel satiated.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sex is a physical and mental experience for you and you know what sensations make you feel weak in your knees and your vagina. And if we know one thing, you like the pleasure to keep flowin’. In this period, when you have time to yourself away from the external stressors of the world, you can’t help your mind from drifting away to seductive scenarios.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

When reality gets too discomforting, you often find yourself slipping into a world of fantasy filled with romance. In that world, you’re horny and making love all day long before having a glass of wine and falling asleep in each other’s arms. Until that can be real, you think about it all day while working and find yourself getting turned on intermittently!

SUDOKU:

WORD-BUILDER

How many words of three or more letters, including plurals, can you make from the six letters, using each letter only once? No foreign words or words beginning with a capital are allowed.

S O I

T L P

DIRTY RIDDLES

1. Unless you spread it, you can’t enjoy it.

What is it? 2. What’s long and hard and has the word

‘cum’ in it? 3. What’s the white, sticky stuff most girls like, but instead of swallows, spits out? 4. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.

I come with a quiver. What am I? 5. All men have one, some got long some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. 6. You can’t taste it until you undress it.

What is it? 7. What goes in hard and comes out wet, squishy and sticky? 8. You play with it at night and it vibrates in your hand. What is it?

Goals:

Meh, Alright—3 Bloody Excellent—5 Outta This World—9

RAM | ISSUE 02 Your COVID-19 walk-through

Got any symptoms?

Cough Temporary loss of taste

Sneezing & runny nose

Fever Sore throat

Shortness of breath

Organise a test and isolate from the rest of your household.

Report your test result

• Enter your positive RAT result at My COVID Record or call 0800 222 478. • A text message will be sent to you within 24 hours with further information and support.

Let people know

Inform others your household has COVID-19 and is isolating, like regular visitors, your work, education provider or school. Where to get a test

Get a test at a community testing centre. You can order a Rapid Antigen Test (RAT) online at requestrats.covid19.health.nz Do the RAT

• Follow the packet instructions. • Results will be visible 15 to 20 minutes after you complete your test.

No symptoms?

Unless you are a household contact, you don’t need to get a test. Positive result Negative result

How to self-isolate

• You and everyone who lives with you will need to isolate for 7 days. • Take common-sense precautions to avoid any contact with those you live with. • Food and supplies must be delivered contactlessly. • You can exercise outside your home in your neighbourhood, but not at any shared exercise facility, such as a swimming pool or gym. For most people, COVID-19 will cause mild to moderate symptoms that can be managed at home. Enter your result at My COVID Record. Stay vigilant. If you have symptoms stay home and test the next day.

Household contact

• Household contacts will all need to be tested on day 3 and day 7. • If a household contact tests positive, they will need to re-start 7 days of self-isolation. • You don’t need to start your isolation time again if another housemate tests positive, as long as your fi nal test is negative.

Monitor your symptoms

Seek advice if symptoms get worse by calling Healthline on 0800 358 5453. If it’s an emergency call 111 immediately.

Extra support

Most people can manage self-isolation with support from whānau and friends, but there is help available if you need it. Go to workandincome.govt.nz or call the COVID Welfare Line on 0800 512 337. Financial support

If you can’t work from home while you’re self-isolating, your employer may be able to apply for the Leave Support Scheme to help pay your wages or salary, even if you are a part-time or casual employee.