AvA’s pAge Karl Marx Announced as 2023 Commencement Speaker CoMarxment Will Take Place on May 21

In a statement released on May 8 by the office of President Jenifer K. Ward, Karl Marx is set to be the speaker for Luther College’s 2023 commencement ceremony. Entrepreneur Sharran Srivatsaa (‘01), who was set to speak at the ceremony, pulled out at the last minute due to prior capitalist commitments.

Marx is known for his critiques of capitalism and his theory that society is made up of two classes that are at odds: the bourgeoisie and the proletariat. He also contends that an economic structure is made up of the means of production and the relations of production. Beyond his early theorizing, Marx is most well-known for his book

“The Communist Manifesto” and the associated political ideology known as communism.

In the statement, Ward explained her thinking behind inviting Marx to speak.

“I’m a capitalist at heart,” Ward said. “Why else would I keep raising the price of tuition? However, I’ve been spurned by one too many capitalists. First it was my dog and now it’s the finance bro we were gonna have at commencement.”

Students are responding positively to the change. One graduating senior and political science major, Hugh Janus (‘23), expressed excitement at the prospect of meeting his idol.

“I know it seems

Pancake or Slice of Heaven?

It’s fluffy. It’s got a sweet wheatish flavor. It’s got a rich, viscous syrup. It’s orgasmic. It’s not a Caf pancake.

In my search for the best Luther College breakfast food, as someone who hates breakfast, my journey has at long last taken me to the Caf’s main line. Nestled between the flavored oatmeal and the potato of the day are the round cakes the Caf calls pancakes.

They had chocolate chip coconut pancakes prepared for my tasting. My first impression was as follows: it wasn’t round. The cake had a distinctly rectangular shape. It was odd, but I’ll allow the culinary artists employed by Sodexo some creative liberty.

I took my prey to the syrup machine, which was sadly out of syrup. This happens more often than not, so I’ve become accustomed to eating my pancakes dry, arguably how God intended them to be eaten. However, how much do we really know about what God intended? We have the Holy Bible, but it’s not directly attributed to God like the Qur’an is. If he worked in the best interests of his creations, why are we plagued by vices, diseases, and free will? God created pornography knowing full well that it would create harmful ideals surrounding sex for our youth. Pornhub is no longer available in Utah. Is this God admitting that he made a mistake? How about the Alzheimer epidemic we are facing as a country as our parents age? If God cared, why would he have sentenced my counterintuitive for me to be attending a private college,” Janus said. “After all, the definition of capitalism is ‘an economic and political system in which a country’s trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit’, but I’m a marxist at heart.

My philosophy is that I’ve gotta play with the big boys, no matter the game they’re playing. Marx is a childhood idol of mine, and I can’t wait to hear him spit some facts.” mom to death by cancer?

In Ward’s statement, she hinted at the possibility of “The Communist Manifesto” being adopted as the all college summer read for 2024. The book shop will begin carrying it next week for community members to purchase.

I brought the pancake back to my seat and cleansed my palate for the tasting. The cake resisted my attempts to carve off a chunk because there seemed to be a crust around the edge. With more than minimal effort, I was able to get a piece. I placed it on my tongue and noted the wheatyness of the bit. It tasted much like a piece of bread. As I sat munching away on my pancake and taking notes on its various qualities, Head Copy Editor Ethan Kober sat down across from me.

“Aren’t you supposed to be reviewing a pancake this morning,” Kober asked. “Why are you eating french toast?”

Alas, I had been bamboozled by the Caf’s labeling system. I was indeed eating a piece of french toast.

For one issue every semester, we, the Chips staff, publish a series of fake news stories. In the fall, we lovingly call these stories our “Foolsies.” Every “Foolsies” you read in the four-page “CHUMPS” section is completely (or mostly) false. We apologize if you find any of the comments offensive or distasteful; it’s only meant to be in good fun.

Sincerely, The Chips Staff