Bowling team to add squirrels to roster

from Chips Spring Magazine 2023

Bowling team to add -squir rels to roster

Luther offers so many unique experiences on campus, including a vibrant community of student organizations and sports teams, all of which get along so well and who would never slander each other. As the Luther mission is to be inclusive to all, the bowling team, who had heard tell of the multitalented Luther Squirrels, decided at a recent meeting to include them on the team. Bowling Coach Dan Bellrichard puts a positive spin on this inclusion.

“Yeah, that’s just how we roll,” Bellrichard said. “Some Luther teams don’t want to expand to include everyone. Some are also looking to downsize, as in the case of the Cross Country team and the Bird Scooter debacle. But we bowlers pride ourselves in letting anyone in, of any ability and background. Anybody can stick their fingers into those holes and knock down a pin or two.”

The beauty of bowling truly is that (almost) anyone can be a part of it. For some athletes, the prospect of being in multiple sports is precisely why they came to Luther in the first place. Nutmeg Squeakers (’24) had a lot of fun as part of the Eating Out of the Dumpsters club, but said that it was high time to split her athletic abilities. So when she heard that Luther was adding a bowling team, she leapt at the opportunity.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Squeakers said. “I love eating out of the Ylvisaker dumpsters, but college only comes once. The world is unable to handle my athleticism! I cannot be contained! I can jump, and that totally translates to the pins and the hardwood.”

Squirrels around campus have already been out in force practicing their skills. Using walnuts and thrown out ice cream cones, these hopefuls are striking out, finally dropping walnuts on more than just Luther students. Unfortunately, some campus communities feel a little left out by these new developments, particularly those without fingers. President of Luther’s Pigeon’s 4ever Shiny Pidgeotto (’29), says that all campus communities should have a chance to shine.

“Literally, this is not a slay,” Pidgeotto said. “We need a paragliding team, that is, if Luther really wants to make this campus vibrant. Like, who is looking out for the Pigeons on this campus?”

Pidgeotto is not alone in this, as other campus bodies look to diversify the lineup of student organizations and sports teams. Squirrely McSquirrels (‘26), joined Pidgeotto in expressing their anger.

“Where’s the acrobatics team?” asked McSquirrels. “And I ain’t talking about the CHIPS newspaper, those nutters sure are trying everything to stay afloat. But seriously, acrobatics would be a great campus group to start. I’m sure that I’m not alone on that either.”

In fact, he is alone on that one, and we will have a Norse poll to prove it. Eventually.