Mace & Crown Fall 2021

Always wipe front to back.

Wash your hands before you touch anything in the kitchen. Pick up this bedroom before anyone sees it! It’s a mess!

Brush your teeth. You need to do something with that hair. It’s so frizzy and out of control! You look like a mess. Rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.

Always wear good clean underwear in case we are in a car accident and you have to go to the hospital. You don’t want them to think we are nasty. Always say please and thank you.

You should eat what is served to you, even if you don’t like it. Disagree with your eyes, not with your mouth. It doesn’t matter if you think Uncle Christopher is creepy, give him a hug anyways. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Yes you have to talk to them, they’re family. Go meet your cousins.

Go play cheerleading with the other girls. You should always play nice with your cousins. You don’t want them to think you’re sour. You are NOT wearing pants to church. We’d be the talk of the town if you wore pants to church, Annessa. Be early, that’s really being on time. If we’re not the first ones there, they’ll think we forgot about em’. You know that you should always offer to help clean up the kitchen after a Sunday homecoming dinner. We don’t want them to think we’re lazy. Only eat Mama’s potato salad at the Homecoming at church. “Mom gets her feelins’ hurt if you eat someone else’s tater salad over hers, Nessa. Always pick your Mama’s.” This is how you use a dry spaghetti noodle to light a candle when your match keeps going out. This is how you plan a vacation. This is how you bake cupcakes for the bake sale. Always…, ALWAYS, participate in the bake sale. What will the others say if we don’t send something? This is how to shave your legs. Only girls who are having sex shave above the knee. Friday nights are for football games. Friday nights are not for partying all night on a strip job after the football game. Always stand up when you say the Pledge of Allegiance. Bow your head and take your hat off when prayer is being said. Memorize the 23rd Psalms. You should never let the flag touch the ground.

Men have died for that flag. You should only ever use Duke’s mayonnaise. Sometimes men cheat, but that’s okay because men should always get what they want. You should always obey your husband. Men are the head of the household. If you lay with dogs, you’re gonna get fleas. You can’t really blame him, she shouldn’t have been wearing that. You need to do a little work on your arm fat if you think you’re going to show them off in that prom dress.

You look like a hooker in that red. You shouldn’t drink malt liquor in the bathroom at the prom. It’s okay to dance with boys, but don’t give them the wrong impression.

What did you expect? You looked like a hooker in that red dress.