Issue 19 - February 9 2012 by The Newspaper

SAMANTHA CHIUSOLO

TAs bare all to the newspaper page 6

the newspaper

Since 1978

U of T signs copyright agreement on the QT

The University of Toronto’s Independent Weekly

VOL XXXIV Issue 19 • February 9, 2012

Inside this issue...

Administration makes deal for new royalty license, includes digital copying Shiraz Noor On January 30, the University of Toronto quietly signed an agreement with licensing agency Access Copyright that defines copying to include “posting a link or hyperlink to a digital copy.” The expanded definition equates link sharing to photocopying a document, subjecting both forms of copying to similar restrictions. To enforce the new regulations, the agreement authorizes the electronic surveillance of correspondence among faculty members, librarians, and stu-

dents for possible infringement of terms. U of T signed the agreement in spite of a recent Supreme Court ruling that hyperlinking does not constitute copying, disregarding the Court’s pending clarification on the educational use of copyrighted works. The agreement imposes a $27.50 incidental fee to all fulltime students, which replaces the current fee of $3.38, and does away with the 10 cents per page currently paid to Access Copyright for coursepack copying. The University’s previous agreement with Access Copy-

right expired at the end of 2010. In a memo sent out that December, Provost Cheryl Misak wrote that U of T was united with many other Canadian universities in opposing Access Copyright’s proposals at the time. Since then, the University has followed “fair dealing” guidelines outlined in copyright law. At some point, however, the senior administration succumbed to concerns about facing legal repercussions of possible copyright infringements. The result of this change of heart was the decision to abide by a contract

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UBC wants to get to know you Andrew Walt For at least one major Canadian university, prospective undergraduates may soon need more than just good grades to enrol. Starting in September, the University of British Columbia will implement a “broad-based admissions” process at its Vancouver campus. The new method requires students to answer four to six “personal profile” questions as a complement to their secondary school transcripts, enabling the university to learn more about the calibre and integrity of their applicants. “Universities will probably look at whether [UBC’s broad-

based application process] can be proven to add to the predictive value of marks when it comes to predicting the success of students at university,” said Merike Remmel, Assistant University Registrar and Director of Admissions at U of T. While U of T as a whole does not consider broad-based criteria when conducting enrollment, such as details regarding the life and experiences of prospective students, both Trinity College and Victoria College have required student profiles from its applicants for several years. “This provides us with information on the student’s extracurricular involve-

ment and special interests and accomplishments,” said Susan McDonald, Victoria College Registrar. “Students who do not submit the VIC Profile are not considered for admission to Victoria College. It’s mandatory.” Similar to the student profiles expected by applicants to Trinity College and Victoria College, specialized faculties such as Music and Engineering also require specific supplementary material in addition to secondary school grades. “That’s simply part of the process,” Remmel explained. “By and large admission to the university to the Faculty of Arts and Science, except

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BODI BOLD

New admissions process looks at more than prospective students’ marks

the newspaper staff re worst dates . . . page 8 calls their

THE NEWS

February 9, 2012

Artsciencecamp2: double the excitement ‘Unconference’ at Hart House cultivates cross-disciplinary innovation Paul Hila Musical shoes, quantum weirdness, technological singularity and the AHA Effect were but only a few topics covered by the second annual ArtScienceCamp unconference, held at Hart House on February 3 and 4. And let’s not forget the dressup photobooth, which added an even greater sense of fun and informality to the two-day affair. An organization focused on bridging art, science and technology, Subtle Technologies hosted the event to foster ideas among people across a wide range of disciplines. “It’s a harmonious event with different people from different backgrounds

discussing--in an informal way-new projects,” said Loura, a student volunteer. Academics, scientists, artists and many others met to explore the interaction of their respective disciplines in today’s world. Topics of discussion in each conference room were pitched and planned only one day prior, allowing for a fully fresh perspective on current issues. The discussions were brief, insightful, and open to all ideas concerning the intersection of art, science and technology. Certainly, the event offered just the right ingredients to excite enthusiasts in any of these fields. The topic of technological singularity—the future creation of a greater-thanhuman superintelligence—

the newspaper

pervaded many conference discussions. Nikola Danaylov, creator of Singularity Weblog, was one among many present with inspiring ideas about the exponential growth of technology. According to Danaylov, the probability of technological singularity could pose a potential threat to the human race. The threat of superintelligence, he explained, “Might be thousands of years in the making, but it is still a future which we will have to face, and the time starts now for us to make a decision.” Danaylov added that scientists are already conducting research on bioprinting—the artificial construction of living tissue, such as human organs—and molecular modification, which could revolutionize modern

drug design. Beyond the realm of biomedicine, the ArtScienceCamp2 unconference offered other, more tangible creations such as musical shoes, from University of Toronto student Tom Hobson, live photo cubist portraits, soundscapes and more. Whether we should anticipate human versus nonhuman warfare may still be uncertain, but if it is a topic of interest, then do not miss ArtScienceCamp3. When it comes to changing the world around us, all it takes is one idea, and as the saying goes, “the rest is history.” At the ArtScienceCamp2, the possibilities for sharing ideas were truly endless.

Editor-in-Chief Cara Sabatini

Arts Editor Vanessa Purdy

News Editor Geoff Vendeville

Illustrations Editor Nick Ragetli

Associate News Editor Yukon Damov

Contributors Suzanna Balabuch, Aberdeen Berry, Bodi Bold, Stephen Caissie, Samantha Chiusolo, Dan Christensen, Helene Goderis, Talia Gordon, Alan Jones, Shiraz Noor , Mark Paterson, Vanessa Purdy, Nick Ragetli, Cara Sabatini, Andrew Walt.

Photo Editor Bodi Bold Associate Photo Editor Nana Arbova Web Editor Andrew Walt Design Editor Samantha Chiusolo Features Editor Talia Gordon

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Board of Directors: Chairman Suzanna Balabuch Treasurer Helene Goderis

Editorial: 416-593-1552 thenewspaper@gmail.com www.thenewspaper.ca

the newspaper is published by Planet Publications Inc., a nonprofit corporation. All U of T community members, including students, staff and faculty, are encouraged to contribute to the newspaper.

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the newspaper is the University of Toronto’s independent weekly paper, published since 1978. VOL XXXIV No. 19

The male cautiously approaches his prey . . . from ‘agreement’ that has an even more restrictive definition of copying than the law mandates. Operating without “the security of a broad License with a broad indemnity,” Misak said, “runs considerable risk, including vigorous enforcement of rights by Access Copyright on behalf of the authors it represents.” She added that to ensure maximum protection, “the University wanted the indemnity to be as broad as possible.” Clara Ho, UTSU Vice President of University Affairs, condemns the agreement. “Other universities have chosen to continue this fight at the copyright board. The administration at U of T has decided to solve their problems and fears by capitulating, pushing away from this collective battle and going back into the pockets of Access Copyright.” She noted that the costs of the agreement are relayed to every student, even though many of them are not required to purchase coursepacks. For these students, that means a $25 fee hike with no corresponding re-

duction in textbook expenses. The decision was made without prior consultation with the academic community, and to date the agreement has received no attention in Governing Council meetings except at the Business Board for informational purposes after it had been signed. “The formal negotiations could not be conducted in a consultative mode,” Misak said. “We haven’t actually received an explanation from the administration so it’s hard to pass judgment [on the agreement],” said Prof. George Luste, President of the U of T Faculty Association. “Maybe the alternative was twice as bad, but we don’t know. And the fact that we don’t know is the real issue here; we should know.” “Students and faculty are voicing their concerns and opposition to the agreement,” said Ho. “The UTSU is working with faculty and students to ensure that copyright law is used for encouragement of learning and proliferation of research, not for suppressing them.”

from ‘get to know you’ for those exceptions, is based strictly on marks.” Because U of T handles its immense volume of applications electronically, most of which are from the graduating Ontario secondary school population, marks from an array of grade 12 academic level course indicators serve as a useful binary standard for determining admissions to the university. Remmel also explained how, once automated processes have defined the pool of potential applicants to the university, prospective students are given information about how to submit any additional necessary materials their faculty and college of choice may require. While U of T examines marks and any necessary supplementary information concurrently, the university considers only those applicants who exceed the minimum academic threshold for enrollment. “Students might have an impressive extra-curricular profile but if they don’t meet the grade requirements they won’t be admitted,” said Remmel. Even at UBC where broadbased admissions processes are set to expand dramatically come September, secondary school grades will continue to be a key factor in enrolling future undergraduates. “Success at university requires students to engage with their learning at a deep level and to learn from the challenges they encounter as they work toward attaining their goals,” said Paul Harrison, Associate Dean for Students in the Faculty of Science at UBC, in a recent media release. “We’ll use the personal profile to gather a broader range of indicators to assess an applicant’s potential for success.” U of T, however, is neither pursuing nor encouraging the expansion of broad-based admissions processes to faculties and colleges other than those which currently utilize them. “We do very well already in terms of admitting students who are successful here, but it doesn’t mean we won’t always be reviewing and looking at additional information where it does seem to point to another factor that might help us make a better decision,” Remmel concluded. “We have a high retention rate and a high graduation rate, so we’re not struggling to find students with the potential to succeed at university.”

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THE NEWS

Study finds police crime reports colour blind Talia Gordon

particularly black and Aboriginal Canadians throughout the Canadian criminal justice system. But without adequate data it makes it difficult to understand why this occurs and how it’s occurring, and to develop policy solutions.” Bempah explained that there are a number of reasons for the omission of racial data, including fears about further reinforcing certain stereotypes of criminality. “One of the biggest oppositions [to racial data collection] has been stigmatization, the fear that the racial data will further stigmatize these minority populations and lead to their increasing criminalization.” While Bempah acknowledged these fears as valid, he did not agree that racial data collection would produce more stigma. “In the absence of data collection, we still see that minorities are heavily stigmatized when it comes to crime, and that there are racial images of crime displayed in newspapers and in the television news media. So, just because the justice system doesn’t collect these statistics, doesn’t mean that the Canadian public aren’t seeing images of race and crime.” The refusal to in-

The tendency towards colourblindness when it comes to crime data reporting by the Canadian police force has come under fire in a recent study by University of Toronto Criminology PhD student, Akwasi Owusu-Bempah. Conducted with Paul Millar, an associate professor at Nipissing University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice, the study found that while only 20 percent of Canadian police agencies have an official policy against reporting racial information, the significant majority of police departments omit this data as a matter of practice. According to Bempah, the suppression of racial information by police agencies has inhibited the development of policies that could improve policing services and reduce racism in our justice system. “It is important to have racial data, not only from police reports, but also to have systematic racial data from all throughout the criminal justice system,” said Bempah. “The background to that being that we see the over-representation of minorities,

Students’ Union University of Toronto n of Students

NICK RAGETLI

U of T research shows Canadian police omit data on race

clude racial information in police reports means that there is no mechanism to monitor and address the stigmatization and discrimination that occurs in accordance with race. Bempah suggested that another explanation for Canadian police departments’ reluctance to include racial information might stem from more administrative and financial concerns. “This is going to lead to increased accountability and transparency on the part of police and other justice sectors. The fear may be that if the data shows a gross racial disparity and potential racial discrimination in the administration of justice, then something’s going to have to

G IN R P S 2012

e c i t o N s n o i t c e El ratio

Local 98 • Canadian Fede

be done to remedy that. And that’s going to cost time, money and personnel resources.” The study looked at data from Statistics Canada surveys and in particular, examined Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) information that includes monthly police crime reports from across the country. UCR forms do not include a space for racial identifiers. In stark contrast to the Canadian approach, the United States and the UK systematically collect, analyze and publish criminal justice data that include statistics aggregated by race. Bempah explained how this has led to improved policing. “In the US, for example, if it were not for the police stop

data, then the policies to tackle racial profiling would have been more difficult to implement, because it would have been harder to justify them.” With regard to the implications of his study, Bempah’s recommendations were simple and clear. “Ultimately what we’d like to see is, if not the immediate implementation of some kind of data collection system, then at least continued discussions and consultations about this issue, at the community level, from the Canadian public right up into the higher echelons of government policy-making.” He believes that in efforts to increase transparency in the criminal justice system, the collection and publication of racial data must become a part of crime reporting. On this note, Bempah had one more thing to offer: “If the people are the police, and the police are the people – which is what the Peel Principles of community policing say – then shouldn’t people have access to data? This is data on the administration of justice and the processing individuals. It should be made public.”

rgraduates at St. resents all full-time unde portant services such rep ion Un ’ nts de Stu T im of vides The U d TTC a campuses. U.T.S.U. pro George and Mississaug book bursaries, clubs funding and discounte tral U of ns, cen Pla the to nts de stu ts en as Health & Dental nts’ Union also repres connects Metropasses. Your Studevernment, advocates for students’ rights, and d social an go s d ign an n pa tio n goals, cam T administra puses to work on commo students across all cam programming.

The University of Toronto Students’ Union is holding its Spring 2012 Elections to fill the following positions: Position

Seat(s)

Division I Victoria College University College Innis College St. Michael’s College New College Trinity College Woodsworth College At-Large Arts & Science

2 2 1 3 3 1 3 2

Toronto School of Theology

Faculty of Music Faculty of Dentistry Faculty of Nursing Faculty of Medicine Faculty of Pharmacy Faculty of Law Faculty of Applied Science & Engineering Faculty of Physical Education & Health At-Large Professional Faculty

1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 2

Division II

Division III * Mississauga campus

Executive President Vice President Internal & Services Vice President Equity Vice President External Vice President University Affairs * cross appointed to the Board of Directors of the UTMSU

1 1 1 1 1

Important 2012 Dates:

Election Nominations (All Positions) Election Campaign Period Election Voting Period Election Results

Monday, February 13, 2012 at 09:00 to Wednesday, February 22, 2012 at 18:00 Monday, February 27, 2012 at 08:00 to Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 18:00 March 6, 7, 8, 2012 From 09:00 to 18:00 Friday, March 23, 2012

Nomination Pick-up and Drop-off Locations: St. George campus:

Mississauga campus:

12 Hart House Circle Hours: Monday - Friday, 09:00 to 18:00

UTMSU Office UTM Student Centre, Room 100 Hours: Monday - Friday 09:00 to 12:30, 13:30 to 17:00

To run for a position, pick up a nomination package during the nomination period at the U.T.S.U. or UTMSU office. Please keep in mind the dates and deadlines. For more information, visit our Students’ Union website at www.utsu.ca or contact cro@utsu.ca Please note that, at the time of this publication, “University of Toronto Students’ Union” and/or “U.T.S.U.” refers to the Students’ Administrative Council of the University of Toronto, Inc. (“SAC”).

THE NEWS

February 9, 2012

V DAY HORO SCOPES

Aries March 21 - April 19 You’re a daredevil, and this Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to try that tricky move in the sack you’ve been working on since the New Year—maybe try it with a partner this time! Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your determination is one of your best qualities, but your persistence can sometimes get the better of you. This Valentine’s Day, remember, no means no. Gemini May 21 - June 20 You are especially mercurial this time of year and your chronic indecision may make

choosing only one date for Valentine’s Day quite challenging. ‘Cause you’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no, you’re in and you’re out … just make sure to use protection. Cancer June 21 - July 22 Cancers are affectionate and loving, is how you justify yourself when your partner protests the incessant fondling underneath your parents’ dinner table. This Valentine’s Day, tone down the PDA over potpie and save the fondling for dessert. Leo July 23 - August 22 You’re a firecracker, Leo. You know you’re an extrovert; you’re sassy, sexy and you love attention...it also appears a

new job is in your future! I hear Zanzibar is hiring. Virgo August 23 - September 22 This Valentine’s day, tell that special someone how you feel about them. Don’t be shy; go all out! A sonnet, a dozen roses, a romantic dinner . . . save the unveiling of your secret photo collection of them for after the doors are locked. Libra September 23 - October 22 You flirtatious flirty-flirt you! You stop that, stop it this instant! It’s time to take a step back, Libra--what do you really want in a relationship? Also, stop hitting on my boyfriend.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21 This is the worst time of year for you. You’re jealous, resentful and impulsive; and every February 14, everyone is reminded. Delete those embarrassing emails and pictures of your exes now, while you have the chance. Saggitarius November 22 - December 21 Trust your intuition. Has it ever led you astray before? Forget those times so that my next statement may have some impact: invest in Pizzaforks. They are the future. Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Let’s be honest Capricorn, you’re boring. You’re practical

and prudent—you are the missionary position embodied. Do something different this week. But don’t ask me for suggestions. Aquarius January 20 - February 18 The tide is changing, Aquarius; and I hope you have your water-wings. Seriously though, learn how to swim this Valentines Day. Maybe your instructor will be cute. Pisces February 19 - March 20 It’s obvious to everyone around you that you’re a total pervert, like, 24/7. Mix it up a little and tone it down this week. Heck, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself in the process.

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THE NEWS

Goes Nationwide! of T readers will be proud to know that the campus ranks high on the list for kissing landmarks, along with the Toronto Islands and, surprisingly, the Yonge and Eglinton area. “The map creates a new story of our city. Too often people see Toronto as a place of cold shoulders and missed connections and anonymity, whereas it’s impossible to look at that map and not see it as a place of love and friendship.” The interactive kiss tracker is open to all submissions of 500 characters or less, and is completely anonymous. Now people all across Canada will have the opportunity to map the spot where they shared a great kiss. Ms. Fraser sums up her project. “I think that that’s the whole point of the kiss map. Telling personal stories creates really beautiful connections between us and our community, between us and our pasts, between us and our readers, and it kind of locates us in that web of human connection.” Here’s to many more mapped kisses.

“Give me a kiss to build a dream on,” crooned Louis Armstrong. But how about a kiss to build an adorable website on? Chris Kay Fraser, creative writing teacher and founder of the Firefly Creative Writing workshop, became inspired to try to map kiss landmarks across Toronto after a particularly irritating streetcar ride that was brightened by the memory of a great kiss. Ms. Fraser describes the moment when the memory of a special kiss managed to change her mood and inspire her to create what would become the Toronto Kiss Map, soon to be the Canada Kiss Map. “I was on a streetcar heading down Queen Street, and I was in a really bad mood. You know how it is on the streetcar, it was moving too slow, and everyone was sweaty and it was raining out and I was just feeling really grumpy. Then I passed this spot where I had this amazing kiss years and years before. Everything just started feeling better.” After her initial inspiration, Ms. Fraser saw the opportunity in her idea and was able to secure a grant from the Toronto Awesome Foundation, what is the Awesome Foundation?. “Toronto is full of beauty and connection. I was like, “I wish there was some way I

could capture that, so I could always be able to look at the city through that lens.” What started with a plea to her friends to submit their kiss

stories turned into a deluge of kisses of all kinds plotted on a Google map. Now, Ms. Fraser is taking the heartwarming project nationwide, launch-

ing the Canada Kiss Map on Thursday, February 9, just in time for Valentine’s Day. As for some particularly popular kissing hot spots, U

To submit a kiss, visit www. torontokissmap.com or www. canadakissmap.com. For more information on the project and Chris Kay Fraser’s writing workshop Firefly Creative Writing, check out the Facebook page.

STEPHEN CAISSIE

Suzanna Balabuch

THE INSIDE

February 9, 2012

TAs lay bare terms of agreement

Teaching assistants send open message to students, the Administration

the newspaper Anna Conda Current degree: PhD Research area: Plants Undergraduate major: Biology TA for third year Geography (UTM) Amy Applebottom Current degree: MA Research area: Private sector involvement in prison development (Ontario) Undergraduate major: BScE Mathematics and Engineering TA for Life Sciences Greg Gallant Current degree: PhD Research area: Quantitative and behavioural genetics Undergraduate major: Honours Animal Biology TA for third year Evolution and Ecology Caitlin Cantcooloff Current degree: PhD Research area: Global migration of nurses Undergraduate major: French and Geography TA for third year Human Geography

BODI BOLD

James Joyfulheart Current degree: PhD Research area: Climate change, environmental politics, social movements. Undergraduate major: International Development Studies and Environmental Science (at UTSC!) TA for second and third year Geography and Centre for the Environment; first year Physical Sciences UTSC

Clockwise from top left: Katie Kissalot, Anna Conda, Caitlin Cantcooloff, Amy Applebottom, James Joyfulheart, Greg Gallant

Katie Kissalot Current degree: PhD Research area: The politics of work and citizenship in the Alberta oil sands. Undergraduate major: BA Environment and Development TA for Human Geography

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THE INSIDE

“We, graduate students, are simply asking for some security in our funding package and better working conditions--it’s not like we’re asking you to pay us enough to break above the Toronto poverty line.”- Anna “Conda” What is the best thing about being a TA? Anna Conda: Office Hours! Helping students one-on-one; trying to explain and synthesize course material in a way that students can understand. Amy Applebottom: Getting to know the students in my classes. Greg Gallant: Access to ancient lab equipment I would not normally use Caitlin Cantcooloff: Talking to students. I LOVE when students come to office hours and talk through concepts or assignments, or when we have a vibrant debate in tutorial. James Joyfulheart: Challenging and being challenged by students. I teach using a backand-forth type style, and so am constantly learning as I teach. I’m worried that this type of teaching style will become impossible if the Administration continues to let tutorials balloon in size. Katie Kissalot: Well, this photo shoot was pretty fun. But, overall, definitely working with students. It’s too bad we don’t have more contact time with our students . . . I always learn a lot from my students and feel

like I am making a positive contribution to what can be a pretty alienating learning environment. If you had 5 minutes, uninterrupted, alone with the Administration, what would you tell them? KK: I’ve come to inform you that you have been relieved of your duties. This university is now under the control of students and workers. AC: Try living in my shoes a couple days, and I’m sure you’ll realize why the issues CUPE is bargaining for are not grandiose requests, rather modest ones. We, graduate students, are simply asking for some security in our funding package and better working conditions--it’s not like we’re asking you to pay us enough to break above the Toronto poverty line. GG: Having a stipend at the poverty line for Toronto would make a big difference in my productivity. JJ: I would tell them that undergrads pay a lot of money to come to U of T and deserve smaller tutorials and labs. In terms of grad student research

funding, we are only trying to get back to where we were three years ago . . . I would ask them to listen to the hundreds of letters and emails from undergrads, the thousands of our members, and to the creative ideas we’ve proposed over the past seven months of negotiations, and to join us in finding solutions to these problems so that they do not force us out onto the street. AA: Profoundly improving the working, learning, and living conditions for TAs and Course Instructors amounts to pennies for the Administration. Why won’t you bargain with us? When it comes to the Collective Agreement, what is your bottom line? GG: A realistic funding plan for upper year students, funding until fifth year and 8 months, closer to the average PhD completion time for U of T. CC: I want a contract that substantively improves the amount of TA-support students receive and ensures more financial security to the end of our degrees. What that looks like is less important;

what matters is real solutions to the problems teaching assistants are facing. AA: We need to see movement on all our priorities. Students, TAs and Course Instructors ARE the U of T; we deserve a say in how this university is governed! What piece of advice can you offer to undergraduate students? JJ: You pay a lot for your education, so demand better from the Administration. Teaching assistants and lab demonstrators make a huge difference to helping undergrads learn and cost the Administration relatively little. Things are getting worse here at UofT and it’s time to take a stand. GG: Never take a course with a scantron multiple choice exam. CC: Always work on your writing. It will be one of the best and most useful skills you have no matter what your major or job. AC: It’s not all about grades. AA: Get involved in student organizations that allow you to shape your education and the city you live in.

KK: Get to know your TAs and instructors! The experience of a huge institution like U of T will be better for all of us if we take the time to get to know each other and work more closely together. What is the best way undergrads can support their TAs? Anna Conda: Stay positive for us. GG: Let the administration know they are on notice, either voice support for CUPE 3902, or bring up your own issues. JJ: Send an email to the Provost Cheryl Misak in support of smaller tutorials and fair funding for graduate students. Visit www.boundlessutoronto.ca KK: Tell Provost Cheryl Misak what you think: provost@utoronto.ca, 416.978. 2122. Then (if we end up there) join us on the picket line. We will be so appreciative! On February 16, students can join in support of their TAs for a rally in front of the Governing Council meeting, at 3:30 p.m. outside Simcoe Hall (King’s College Circle).

THE INSIDE

February 9, 2012

When parting is not such sweet sorrow

the newspaper staff spills their worst hook-up experiences I'd struck out with Casey, my love, but as I was drunkenly lost in Toronto, she let me crash on the couch. So as I watched her clean up my vomit in her bathroom, I thought “this is a record low point” when Joanne, her loud, drunk, and unfortunate-looking roommate, arrived to prove me wrong. Lying in bed, I thought “Whose bed is this?” as I nervously felt a hand creeping up my leg. But who was I to turn Joanne away? Coincidentally, just as things “concluded” I suddenly realized my gaffe and abandoned the scene. I awoke early on the couch to Joanne wanting to talk. I convinced her we should sleep more, then talk. She returned to bed, and I did what any grown man would do: promptly donned my vomit-covered shirt and pants, and deserted for a walk (of shame) to remember.

enough to last me till I’m dead/ the rest of my 20s. (Please ignore that last sentence, ladies.) My worst time involved an Irish gal I met on holiday last summer. She was not much of a looker, but what she lacked in beauty, she made up for in persistence. She would not take “No” or “Let me put my shirt back on, it’s cold outside” for an answer. As we left a bar late one night, she pulled me into a doorway, pinned me against the wall, and thrust her tongue deep down my esophagus. I asked her kindly if she wouldn’t mind trying to kiss “my way,” but she insisted on kissing “the Irish way” – beer breath, a lot of drool, and teeth-grinding. “It’s getting late, let me walk you back,” I said, gasping for air. Thankfully she agreed. But when we got to her hostel, she turned around and walked me home, subjecting me to a few more wet Irish kisses along the way.

Alan Jones

Suzie Balabuch

It was 14 November 2006, the day Casino Royale opened. I was on a cultural exchange in Corner Brook, Newfoundland. I went to a party at a residence at Memorial University. I got very drunk. It was not flattering. There was a girl at the back of the dorm living area dancing. For some reason, she was in a bikini top. She asked me how old I was. I said I was twenty. I was actually eighteen. I later found out she was twenty-four. Later, she put her shirt back on and took me back to her dormitory. We made out. Our teeth bumped a lot. That was my first kiss. Then we disrobed and had intercourse. Judging by her facial expressions, she did not realize I was a virgin. I remember being very disappointed by the sex. It was full of awkward positioning and heavy breathing. I definitely didn’t apply my condom properly. I blame my Catholic high school for that. Afterwards, I left in haste. She still has my belt. A few weeks later I saw her at another party. I did not make eye contact.

Geoffrey Vandeville I haven’t had too many awkward sexual experiences – just

February 14th, 2011. After promising to take me to a surprise restaurant, my boyfriend of several months conveniently “forgot” to make a reservation anywhere, and instead took me to Lone Star, his favourite restaurant. He then proceeded to order beer after beer after beer, getting drunk, loud and very grabby. Apparently trying to grab your girlfriend’s ass in a family-friendly restaurant is acceptable behaviour. For some reason he also thought that trying to talk, no, slur dirty to me over burritos was just about the most romantic gesture in the world. I was so incensed by him that I finished my food as quickly as I could, and we walked to Union Station in silence. The silence didn’t last very long though, because once we got to the busiest station in Toronto, he exploded and yelled at me for being too uptight. I turned on my heel and left. Worst Valentine’s ever.

Mark Paterson A few years back a cute girl (who I had a common friend with) added me as a Facebook friend. We chatted and flirted for a few weeks before arranging to meet up for dinner at a nice Sushi bar for what I believed was going to be our first date. To my utter shock

and dismay, an hour before we were due to meet up, I received a text from her asking whether I minded if her boyfriend came along to the dinner as well. Needless to say it was the most awkward Sushi experience I have ever had!

Vanessa Purdy

BODI BOLD

Dan Christensen

After an evening of urban frolicking and moderate imbibing, a date with a good friend ended in the bedroom. Somehow, during the heat of the moment, my partner managed to pocket dial a mutual friend (who also happened to be an ex of mine). We did not discover this mistake until days later when a totally removed third party made reference to our hook-up. Turns out the guy on the receiving end of the pocket dial found it so hilarious that he felt the need to call several mutual friends and tell them what happened. How did he know it was me? Being an ex, he “recognized my voice.” To this day, we do not understand how one can pocket dial someone while not wearing pants.

Samantha Chiusolo It was a few months shy of my sweet sixteen. Puck heads and puck bunnies ruled the high school. I was neither. Though I was prodded and pushed to go out with one of these socalled jocks of the ice. He was nice enough, not your typical ‘Moose’, shoving guys into lockers while expelling a farmer’s blow onto the high school hallway. It was a nice winter day, perfect for snowmobiling. I did not have a snowmobile, hence I did not have a snowmobile suit. But for my very first date with a cute boy my adoring parents mustered up one for me. My parents seemed happy as did my match-making friend. The date was set. Three hours and a broken femur later I’m in an x-ray room pumped full of Demoral being asked by a technician if there is any chance I may be pregnant. I calmly replied, “I’M A VIRGIN!!!”

Helene Goderis I'd already gone on a few dates with this guy in the summer. He invited me out one night to a magazine launch, where this Asian girl is all over him,

From the top: Vanessa and Geoff; Alan and Suzie; Mark and Sam; Dan and Helene

asking to crash at his place at the end of the night; he's giving a firm 'no,' but to little effect. Fortunately, I wasn't very taken with him, so I found the situation more amusing than suspect. Afterwords, we head out on what is loosely a double date at a bar on Ossington. I say 'loosely,' because his attractive male friend accompanied us. There's some jokey sweet talk happening between them, and at points they're sitting on each other's laps. Last call comes around and we all walk back toward his

place. As way of goodbye, this guy friend jumps up and wraps his legs around my date's torso, then in some gymnastic feat, he arches his back and touches his hands to the ground, and then crawls his way back up onto my date. I vaguely remember him not wearing a shirt during this. My date asked me to come inside with him. As the Asian girl from earlier in the night had somehow finagled her way into his bedroom and was laying in wait, I politely declined. The worst part is that I agreed to a couple more dates with him.

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THE INSIDE

Valentine’s Day Anti-Gift Guide Suzie Balabuch As Valentine’s Day approaches, some people feel the pressure to come up with the best Valentine’s gift ever. Others, not so much. If you find yourself in the group of people who are scrambling to end a crumbling relationship, read on. These five gift ideas are the beginning of the end.

1. The Romantic Dinner, ft. a special guest

When you don’t have a ton of money to spend on a Valentine’s Day present for your other half, you could always go with the more walletfriendly option of cooking them a romantic dinner. The twist is, you’re not only going to surprise your soon to be exbooboo with a yummy dinner and dessert, you’re also going to be inviting a special guest. Yes, that guest will be Jessica, your obnoxious sorority sister who doesn’t know who the Prime Minister is. Jessica has a special talent for clearing a room--use it.

2. Fake flowers

Nothing says I love you like a bouquet of flowers, right? But why shell out your hardearned cash for something y o u could have

picked yourself (if you were so inclined) when you can head on over to Dollarama and get a veritable cornucopia of flowers for less than what it costs to ride the streetcar? If you want to send a clear message to that stage five clinger that will hopefully be out of your life by February 15, tie the bouquet of flammable carnations with a shoe-lace.

3. Extra-large lingerie

Picture this: you hand your future ex-girlfriend a sizable, beautifully wrapped box that bears the delicate calligraphy of a particularly well-known lingerie shop. Her face lights up as she lets out that ever-so irritating squeal and tears off the ribbon, pulling out what is surely going to be that sexy nightie she was hoping for-oh wait, what size did I get you babe? What do you mean it’s two sizes too big? Are you sure? Relationship over. You’re welcome.

4. The Self-Gift

This gem works particularly well if you want to break up with your honey-pie be-

cause of his nauseating selfishness. You have to build up the anticipation gradually, hinting to your other half about how awesome this year’s gift is going to be. Next, have a good, long think about what it is you would really like to get this year. Is it a pink iPhone cover? Or mayb e that Death Cab for Cutie album? No matter. As long as it’s something you’ve been ogling, it’ll do. The final step is to hand it over to your honey with as much authenticity you can muster. You’re going to need to practice your “But I thought you liked Ben Gibbard face” for a couple weeks in advance.

5. Nothing

You’ve got to have the balls to pull this one off, because once you show up to dinner on February 14 with nothing but your keys in hand, you are really saying that you just don’t give a shit. Out of all the stellar presents on this list, this one is the most ruthless, yet the most effective. Once you reach a point in your relationship when you don’t even feel like walking two blocks to the dollar store to buy some fake flowers, you know it’s over. Happy Valentine’s Day.

NICK RAGETLI AND ABERDEEN BERRY

the newspaper brings you five Valentine’s gift ideas that will guarantee a break-up

THE ARTS

February 9, 2012

Is that a paint brush in your pants? Suzanna Balabuch What do you do when you just can’t find a good Valentine’s Day gift? Head on down to the Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair, of course! Hosted by Come As You Are, a well-known Toronto co-operative sex shop, the fair is celebrating its sixth year at the Gladstone Hotel. In an interview with the newspaper, co-owner and operator Sarah Forbes-Roberts spoke about how the one-ofa-kind fair has grown since its beginnings. This year, the fair will not only feature a multitude of vendors and over a thousand people, but an official EACF cabaret show following the fair as well. Roberts is of the opinion that the growing demand for “cro-

cheted nipple pasties and penis buttons,” as one news outlet describes it, comes down to a rebirth of crafts as an opportunity for exploring sex and sexuality. “There seems to be a fairly big movement of people revitalizing crafts and sort of twisting them, and making them political and edgy, and sometimes explicitly sexual.” Taking place the weekend before Valentine’s Day, Roberts also hails the Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair as a great gift-buying opportunity. “People come and get something that’s really unique for Valentine’s Day, so if you’re really stuck with an idea for what to get for your sweetie for Valentine’s Day, it’s a great place to get something unique.” Among those unique items will be saucy sock pup-

SAMANTHA CHIUSOLO

Or are you just happy to see the 6th Annual Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair?

pets, called “Suck Puppets,” jewelry with a fetish theme, erotic photography and even handmade corsets. Above all, the fair will be a place for people of all kinds to come and see a sometimes overwhelming topic in a fun

light. “It’s the kind of place that’s really warm and welcoming, and it’s super, super safe. Sex is scary for all of us, but when you take it and put it on a super cutesy craft, it becomes not so scary.”

The Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair takes place on Saturday February 11th at the Gladstone Hotel, from 12 to 8pm. Admission is free. For more information, visit www.eroticartsandcrafts.com.

Holy poontang Batman!

Get the Bat-lube out of your utility belt for Batman XXX: A Porn Parody Dan Christensen The match between the original 1960s Batman TV series and a porn parody seems too good to be true. With the cheesy costumes, poor acting, and minimal production value, the show was all but calling out to be turned into a porno! Dale DaBone, in the title role, delivers a pitch-perfect Adam West. Even West’s speech patterns are mastered, with his obscure pauses used for a lewd pun or two. Axel Braun, the writer/director/producer (...auteur?), pays so much attention to detail that if the characters kept their clothes on, you might be convinced you were watching scenes from the original show. But I evade the most important part of the movie – the plot of course! Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend is kidnapped by the Riddler (Evan Stone), at which point she swiftly shoves his dick into her mouth (and more). This illustrates typical porno logic: anyone will have sex with anyone, anywhere, for almost no reason, at the drop of a pair of tights. Except Batman! His morals are so strong that

he would have to be drugged – which he is in the following scene. Molly (Alexis Texas) is one of The Joker’s sexy wenchI’m sorry, hench-women who spikes his tall glass of wholesome grapefruit juice (freshly squeezed) with “love” potion, and then fucks Batman after safely removing his utility belt. We then meet the Joker (Randy Spears), who is seen scheming with the Riddler and Catwoman (Tori Black) before he has a threesome with two of his sex slaves. Considering the actual Joker would probably have his own sex slaves, this is a rare point in this or any porno where the sex somehow enhances the film’s reality. Except for the fact that the onlooking Robin (James Deen) and Batgirl (Lexi Belle) are so enticed by the display that they get it on themselves. Poor Commissioner Gordon! The only main character not to get any action. Finally, after a rousing zonk!and pow!-filled fight scene, Catwoman turns on her criminal compatriots, so that she can – spoiler alert! – have a threesome with Batman and Robin.

After all, who wouldn’t want to get a taste of that purrrfect Batcock (her words, my capitalization)? In the end, it manages to capture all of the tongue-in-cheek genius of the original series, and add some of the top porn stars working today at their finest, magically without losing anything but network television credibility. Actually, if you’re going to enter a fantasy world and give people magic powers, it only makes sense to go the distance:

they should constantly have avoid killing anyone’s buzz begreat sex too. They should ap- tween romps. proach a cable network to turn It cleaned up at the 2011 it into a sexed up re-vamp. Adult Video News awards, netWhat else are they going to ting both a first-ever second do with all of those amazing consecutive Female Performer costumes? Other than perhaps of the Year for Tori Black (she’s burn them... the Steve Nash of porn!) and And while comedy and Best Parody – Comedy (actual lust may seem like a horrible category). And no wonder; combo, the alternative would what guy doesn’t want to imbe actual drama, where if it’s agine themselves boning porn done poorly it is unbearable, stars as a campy, goofy Batand if it’s any good it distracts man? from the main attraction. The laughs provide a light segue to Jimminy Cricket, Batman! Did

you see the hooters on that one?

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THE ARTS

Dear Suzie

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, FWB: What to do when your friend with benefits acts like a jerk Dear Suzie, I’ve had a friend with benefits for the last few months, but we’d made an agreement that we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else, or that we’d tell each other if that happened. We were seeing each other around a couple times a week and the other day I was in touch to see if s/he wanted me to stop by, and s/he told me s/he’d slept with someone else. It had been a while and s/he hadn’t mentioned it until I was in touch. I feel hurt. Should I confront him/her about it or should I let him/her go? Signed, Some Strings Attached Dear Some Strings, A FWB agreement, like any other agreement between two parties, is one that has to be based on mutual respect and trust. If it isn’t, it will fail. This is why it’s perfectly normal that you feel betrayed by this person: you had an agreement, and they broke it without any regard for your feelings. Your FWB must be confronted about his/her behaviour. Don’t get upset when you bring it up with him/ her. Just ask them, in a straightforward manner, why they didn’t let you know about having slept with someone else. Then move on. If you do decide to do this again, keep it fun, but insist on ground rules that will keep both of you happy. There are plenty of other hot, respectful people out there who would honour the rules of the FWB arrangement. You don’t have to stick with the one who, really, has not been much of a friend to you. Sincerely, Suzie

Want to ask Suzie a question? Email Suzie at suzienewsie@gmail.com, or submit (anonymously, of course!) at www.thenewspaper.ca, in the blue box on the lower left.

The Crossword Across

20. Firearm

34. Upper appendage

51. Shining

23. Craft or skill

45. What police enforce

1. Sniffers

21. Speck

35. Owe; be in ___

53. Getting on in years

24. This very evening

46. Ocular organ

6. Tie type

22. Fedora or trilby

54. Wonderment

25. Restricted

48. Inquisitive word

9. Cease

24. Immense weight, to an American

36. Evaluate, often fastidiously

55. Arid

26. Mini Twizzler

49. Shed blood

56. Be killed

27. Obtain

57. Possess

29. Knight’s address

52. One of many slang words for marijuana

59. Our largest continent

30. Circle segment

61. Flooring option

33. Play division

56. 56 across, in the past tense

62. Use a pen

34. Assistance

57. Wise birds 58. Freshness sealer; cling ___

13. Father’s brother

39. Sail support

25. Fondness

42. Deity

15. Not there

28. Exist, in the plural number

43. Knot

16. Taunt

29. Male child

17. Elderly

30. Trajectory

48. The ___ (classic British band)

18. Draft bovine

31. Fib

49. Sleep spot

65. Monocle

35. Living room

19. Sawbuck

32. Biological variant

50. Sunbeam

66. Annoying garden growth

37. Also

67. Language of the Romans

39. Crime organization

14. We have, contracted

3. Disperse

7. Baking appliance 8. Marry 9. “All ___ Down” (1990 album by The Replacements)

The Sudoku 4 1 3 7 3 7

2. Single

1. Hardware fastener

4. Ultimatum

53 56

Andrew Walt

6. Having been initiated

10. Fabric

11. Raw mineral 63

12. Writing utensil 14. Kiddie cart 21. Lowly lit 22. Owns

59. Each and every 60. Behold 61. Duo 63. Stalemate 64. Conclusion

44. Granular rock

Down

5. Viewed

70. Rate of change of position

41. Companion word to slipping, often

69. Peculiar

40. Atmosphere

68. Journey components

38. Blue

17 19

47. Olive or coin

53. Greased

6 4 9 5 1 4 3 2 7 6 7 4 1 8 9 5 4 1 8 7 9 3 7 5 4 5 8 9 3

“

THE END

the campus comment

February 9, 2012

the newspaper asked: If you were to send one of your professors a Valentine’s Day card, what would you write in it?

MARISSA Commerce, 4th year “Roses are red, Violets are blue, If you only knew how big of a crush I have on you.”

JACOB Political Sciences, 1st year “I love your class very much, but not as much as I love you.”

CAMERON Cinema Studies, 3rd year “I’ll wine and dine you, if you give me an A.”

GLYNIS AND MARGOT Diablo’s employees “Something about extra credit with a sexual innuendo... like “You take my ‘breadth’ away” and “Please B min(e)us.”

JEFF Urban Geography, 3rd year “Yo, can we drink tea, get lifted and listen to Frank Ocean? And pretend like the university system doesn’t exist.”

BODI BOLD

LAUREN Nursing, 1st year “Thanks for being the best Human Biology Professor ever, Dr. Ju!”

‘A ghetto Gilligan’s Island,’ says character of In The Heights

Toronto Centre for the Arts takes play to higher places Aberdeen Berry In the Heights follows the communal life of a group of residents in the Washington Heights neighborhood of New York over three consecutive days one summer. While this method of storytelling pairs well with the writers' (LinManuel Miranda and Quiara Algería Hudes) naturalistic way of organizing the music, it also makes the plot developments—especially given the full participation of an ensemble cast—occasionally seem artificial. In brief, narrator and corner-store owner, Usnavi, discovers he has sold a lottery ticket worth almost a hundred thousand dollars to a local resident. The majority of plot involves Usnavi discovering who has won the ticket, and how it is to be spent, while also pursuing popular neighbor Vanessa. Also of note is the burgeoning romance between childhood friends Nina, who has returned from Stanford for her summer vacation, and Benny. Hanging over everybody's head, like the smog of New York, is the nebulous threat of foreclosure. Much of the psychological perspicuity of the play derives from its characters' largely futile search for a deus ex machina to facili-

tate their departure from the ghetto— both literally and metaphorically. This production of In the Heights, specifically, is technically pleasing. It features excellent choreography, and a strong cast of performers who are capable in their roles. Of particular note was Tauren Hagans as Daniela, who runs the neighborhood hair salon. However, the chemistry in the two romantic pairings was not always convincing. To a certain extent, this is because access to their story arcs are limited to a three-day period, forcing viewers to engage with the situation before they can get a firm grasp of each character. Also, it was at times difficult to make out the words being sung. Towards the end of the play, Vanessa describes the residents' collective predicament as similar to being on some kind of "ghetto Gilligan's Island," an exceedingly apt statement. The play does create a realistic and thematically dense, if closed-off world. It is plausible that playgoers, like some characters, will find that even with the opportunity, it is exceedingly difficult to leave. In The Heights is playing at the Toronto Centre for the Arts at 5040 Yonge Street until February 19.

the mixtape e This week’s mixtape is the most intimat ck yet. The staff picks the best song to kno boots (Candyman for ‘have sex’) to. Visit thenewspaper.ca to listen. Alan - R. Kelly, “I’m A Flirt” Bodi - Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Date With The Night” Cara - The Violent Femmes, “Add It Up” Dan - Washed Out, “Soft” ts” Geoff - Isley Brothers, “Between The Shee are” rem Nick - Ludovico Einaudi, “Olt Sam - Tyron Davis, “In the Mood” Suzie - Bill Withers, “Use Me” Talia - Celine Dion (Any and all) Yukon - Nina Simone, “Do I Move You”

Age of Asparagus

Visit thenewspaper.ca for this week’s food column:

Sal(i)vation Talia Gordon zests her pair of lemons into this weeks pasta dish