The Complete 2011 Boozepaper

the boozepaper University of Toronto’s Independent Weekly

Vol. XXXIII N0. 24

April 20, 2011

the editorial

2

April 20, 2011

WELCOME TO THE BOOZEPAPER

1982 2011

the newspaper Editor-in-Chief Helene Goderis

Arts Editor

News Editor

Suzie Balabuch

Geoff Vendeville

Photo Editor

Web Editor

Bodi Bold

Andrew Walt

Copy Editor Evanna Folkenfolk, Diana Wilson

Driver & Hopper Jeff Bafaro

Contributors Michelle Cassis, Dan Christensen, Evanna Folkenfolk, Nicole Gabourie, Joe Howell, Alan Jones, Stephanie Kervin, Dan Miller, Alana Saad, Martín Waldman, Kate Wakely-Mulroney, Diana Wilson, Mike Winters the newspaper 1 Spadina Crescent, Suite 245 Toronto, ON M5S 1A1 Editorial: 416-593-1552 thenewspaper@gmail.com www.thenewspaper.ca ads@thenewspaper.ca the newspaper is U of T’s independent weekly paper, published by Planet Publications Inc., a non-profit corporation.

All U of T community members, including students, staff and faculty, are encouraged to contribute to the newspaper.

COVER ILLUSTRATION BY G. WAYNE REUBEN

the boozepaper

April 20, 2011

3

A CASE FOR MICROBREWERIES MARTIN WALDMAN makes a big argument for smaller breweries

The variety of beers on offer at bars, pubs, breweries, and liquor stores in Ontario has been increasing steadily in recent years. Every few weeks, new and rare imports are appearing on LCBO shelves; draft and bottle lists at neighbourhood bars are growing to better appeal to local tastes; and breweries are developing increasingly diverse, seasonal and one-off brands, such as ultra-bitter double IPAs, sweet and strong bocks, and beers flavoured with green tea, orange peel, hibiscus flowers, or coffee beans.

It has been more than 25 years since the first of Ontario’s stillactive microbreweries started up, the earliest being Waterloo’s Brick Brewery in 1984, followed by the Wellington County Brewery in Guelph a year later.

By 1987, Amsterdam and Great Lakes both opened in Toronto, and the number of microbreweries in the province has been rising continuously since.

Yet craft beers are only now beginning to really pique the public’s interest. The recent jump in the number of new breweries and beer styles has, in turn, created a strong demand for a greater variety of beers.

Michael Hancock, founder of Denison’s Brewing based in Toronto, says “We’ve seen a lot of [new] beers come out to keep up with the demand for new styles and flavours.” Hancock understands why more

and more people are craving new and unconventional kinds of beer, but he prefers the old favourites, everyday beers such as the German-style Weißbier and Dunkel brewed by Denison.

“Beers that have balance as well as great taste are probably the things that you’ll end up being best known for. It’s wonderful when you can have a beer that many people can enjoy, but that also satisfies the aficionados.”

Although there is a growing demand for microbrews, there are many obstacles facing craft brewers trying to get their product out on to the market. “In Ontario, the government makes it easy to brew beer, but pretty hard to sell it,” says Ron Keefe, owner of Granite Brewery on Mount Pleasant Road. “It’s a tough go for a lot the brewers.”

Getting the Beer Store to carry your beer, Keefe says, entails an up-front cost of over $20,000 per stock unit (i.e.

6-packs, cases, or 2-4s). This fee rises per store that sells your beer. “They offer a great service and you know your beer will be kept cold,” says Keefe, “but it’s expensive to get in there.”

The LCBO has a rigourous and lengthy application process, as well as higher mark-ups, so brewers’ profits are smaller there than at the Beer Store.

“You pretty much pay one way or another.”

Unlike the LCBO, the Beer Store is privately owned. This dates back to the post-prohibition days, when the provincial government, trying to keep the sale of alcohol under control, but unable to run beer distribution independently, opened a network of stores owned and operated by brewers. With time, as brewers have amalgamated or been bought out, three large, foreign-owned private beer companies have come to control what is now The Beer Store (Labatt-InBev and MolsonCoors each have a 49 percent stake and Sleeman-Sapporo the remaining 2 percent).

Rob Creighton, a brewer at Grand River Brewing in Cambridge, says this ownership structure puts small brewers at a disadvantage. “The Beer Store is an agency designed to sell its

ILLUSTRATION: KATE WAKELY-MULRONEY owners’ beers in the most efficient manner possible. The movement away from self-serve stores (where microbreweries were selling much more), to the ‘Ice Cold Express’ format discriminates against small brewers.” Creighton says many microbreweries can ill afford to pay the Beer Store to carry their products - although the Beer Store accounts for more than 80% of beer sales in Ontario.

“It’s time to mature as a province,” Creighton says. “We need to open up the distribution system to standard retail outlets, let the free market prevail, and allow original thought.”

Nevertheless, Creighton still thinks craft beers will make head-way (pun intended) as people’s tastes change. “The position of the small brewers as a local, quality based movement

makes us popular amongst both politicians and local consumers.

The ‘flavour’ movement means that once you go our way, there is no turning back.”

Ron Keefe at Granite Brewery shares Creighton’s optimism.

“We used to spend a lot of time trying to convince people to drink smaller market beers, ones with slightly more flavour or uniqueness. Now, because there are so many more breweries out there, they know more about new beers and are interested in trying them out.”

“We spend a lot less time now trying to talk people into trying something new.”

Making craft beer is not a lucrative industry. It usually doesn’t come with a big salary or lead to an early retirement. Brewing is a labour of love, done out of a passion for great-tasting beer and out of a belief that each beer has something new and unique to offer a thirsty public tired of the bland, mainstream domestic brands.

Even brewers that manage to attract admirers and dedicated drinkers face an uphill struggle getting their product on the market. This is why beer lovers across Ontario, including yours truly, owe a debt of gratitude to microbrewers - and what better way to thank them than to grab a pint of their newest creation next time we hit a pub. Cheers to that!

the boozepaper

4

April 20, 2011

REFILLABLE BOTTLES

AFTER YOU WET YOUR WHISTLE

ALL GOOD BOTTLES GO TO REFILL HEAVEN When I first heard that the city might alter recycling regulation so that beer and wine bottles would be designated city property once they were in your Blue Bin, I started leaving my bottles on the curb instead. My reasons are twofold: industrious bottle collectors deserve a break from rooting through bins, and the city can’t tell me what to do with my damn bottles. I made that 10 cent deposit, not them.

As it turns out, the actual law is focused on prohibiting bottle collectors from scavenging through residential trash bins. But because the bottle has 10 sweet cents attached to it, there’s an economic incentive to bin dive. Bottle collecting is so competitive I once had a bag of empty beer cans stolen from me while on my way to the Beer Store. It was my fault for taking my eyes off them. Live and learn.

Bottle recycling is a thriving business, not just for the lady in slippers with the tartan buggy that pesters you for your halffinished beer at dusk in Trinity Bellwoods Park, but for the municipality, province, and beer manufacturers too. If anybody is losing out on that 10 cent de-

follows the bottle on its journey back to you

posit, it’s you, sucker, for not returning your empties.

The Ontario bottle return rate is remarkable. Between the Beer Store and the 4-year old On-

tario Deposit Return Program (ODRP), 92% of bottles sold are returned to the manufacturer to be refilled. And this accomplishment does not go unnoticed

by Canadian environmentalists. The Beer Store’s website is peppered with praise from Environmental Defense Canada, The David Suzuki Foundation,

and the Toronto Environmental Alliance.

Why is bottle return apparently so efficient, while other recycling ventures struggle to make the grade? Partly because beer bottle return is a closed system -- the money follows the bottle. Most bottles arrive at the brewery through the ODRP or the Beer Store’s return program. The Beer Store pays out the deposit to you, your most responsible roommate, or the slipper-wearing park lady -whoever returns the empties.

The bottles are then shipped to brewers who repay the deposit to The Beer Store. If Toronto Recycling sorts the bottle from your Blue Bin and returns them to the brewery, the city keeps your deposit and uses it to supplement the Blue Bin program.

Kapish?

To witness this refilling process ourselves, the E-I-C and I went to the Steam Whistle brewery. Sybil, the friendly Steam Whistle communications director, led us through the compact downtown brewery.

Because the factory is an histor-

PHOTOS: HELENE GODERIS

April 20, 2011 ical building, formerly known as the CPR John Street Roundhouse, expansion is difficult. To save space the machinery spirals tightly around the room at different levels, and looks like a well-organized pile.

As we left the catwalk for the factory floor, we breathed in the acrid odor of hops blended with the doughy scent of yeast. The floor was cheerfully bustling with the clanging of a thousand bottles, and an actual steam whistle to announce breaks.

Rock music was pumping, and the workers were ribbing each other as they loaded case after case of empties onto the conveyor belt. Over the years, the workers have found all kinds of weird after-party junk in the boxes of empties. Lots and lots of photos, some love letters, a pocket knife, even money have all met their end at the Steam Whistle factory.

The iconic Steam Whistle bottle is one of the most durable on the market. To calculate how many times a bottle gets refilled, a Steam Whistle delivery driver marked a bottle with a rubber band and sent it through the sanitizer system over and over and over for a month. The bottle was filled and emptied (no problem finding volunteers to help empty!), dropped (it bounced), clanged and knocked around until the brewers lost interest. Before they put the experiment to rest, the bottle had been refilled nearly 40 times.

Most big breweries average about 15 laps.

So Helene, the E-I-C, and I decided to re-stage the driver’s refilling experiment. We placed two marked bottles on the conveyor belt and watched as they marched single file into an industrial bottle washer.

Inside they were blasted with a food grade caustic solution at 120 degrees C. The force of the spray also blasted out foreign objects like cigarette butts, wads of gum, cocktail napkins with phone numbers scrawled in lipstick, and trillion dollar bills (as if).

An anxious 15 minutes later, the bottles emerged from the washer disoriented but refreshed. Dripping, they continued their long march past two inspection checkpoints.

The bottles parade in front of a square light box so they can be double-checked for any objects still kicking around inside. Apparently, folded bottle caps are almost impossible to remove.

Sybil told us the inspectors work in ½ hour shifts so they don’t go blind or mad. One gritty old-timer did shifts twice or three times as long as that and with the focus of a Buckingham Palace guard.

After the station, the bottles disappeared into a tangle of machinery, twisting in and out of sight. After the bottles were filled but before they were sealed, each bottle got a quick

the boozepaper

5 blast of steam to push out the oxygen, a process known as fobbing. Finally, the bottles emerged from their ordeal full of beer, their necks now sporting crimped metal caps.

The bottles swung past another inspection station, and marched confidently to the finish. We clambered behind them, cheering and whooping, nearly bursting with pride. “There they are!” we shouted. “Those two are ours!” Though they’ve seen it thousands of times, even the workers seemed to get excited when our bottles reached the finish line. We grabbed them just before they were dropped into boxes and carted away, then gleefully compared our watches to the timestamp on the side of the bottle.

Like most industrial foods, there is a complex process behind the product you consume.

The bottle you sip from today may have seen dozens of lips before yours, depending on the brand. Just because it is a simple object, a design as old as glass, doesn’t mean that its life outside your fridge is meaningless. The humble beer bottle drives an underground economy of scavengers, helps fund a large scale municipal recycling program, sets the benchmark for corporate environmentalism, and best of all is a vessel for sweet sweet beer. What have you done lately?

the booze

6

April 20, 2011

Russian Prince

VODKA

3.1

Fruity smell, deep burn. Deep like a river. I can barely see past the surface. Strong aftertaste, lingers in the throat.

- Jeff Bafaro

Burns your throat and lingers. Almost sweet and stays on your tongue and lips.

JOE HOWELL’s

- Bodi Bold

saucy guide to the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems

The vapour coats your mouth. Even handed and has staying power.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

$23.40 per (750 mL) bottle The Switzerland of spirits, vodka is a neutral alcohol, meaning its relative lack of flavour allows it to be easily masked in cocktails.

At the risk of reinforcing gender norms, “girly” drinks are usually made with vodka for this reason. Add a little cranberry or barlime to it, and you likely won’t even taste the hooch.

Of course, in the countries where vodka originated, like Russia and Poland, they drink the stuff chilled and neat. The unforgiving climate in such places has made the people tougher than us pampered Westerners, for sure. That same climate also helped produce the spirit, by process of elimination—grapes are nigh-impossible to grow in much of the so-called “vodka belt,” so wine is out. Same with sugar cane and agave, so rum and tequila aren’t happening.

In fact, grain is practically the only thing that Russians can easily grow, so it’s what they make their booze with.

The fact that we have more native options isn’t stopping us from drinking vodka by the gallon. Around 35 years ago, the spirit surpassed bourbon as the most-consumed liquor in the United States, and never looked back. Besides its unobtrusive nature in cocktails, it probably owes much of its success to the folksy wisdom that it’s easier on you the next morning. Both my admittedly anecdotal experience and clinical studies reinforce this barroom secret: researchers from Brown University recently discovered that vodka has fewer molecules known as “cogeners” than whisky, and that “the volunteers who drank whisky reported far more hangover symptoms... compared with those who drank vodka,” as the BBC wrote.

All that being said, vodka is also the most boring liquor. The high-end stuff is usually just more tasteless, so you will never impress a connoisseur by ordering Grey Goose. You can’t order a more sensible cocktail than the vodka soda, but it’s the Capricorn of drinks: prudent and mundane. And who wants a Friday night like that? Other kinds of booze have more interesting flavours and histories, as you’ll soon see. Go ahead, write off tomorrow morning already.

Prince Igor

3.1

Smooth, solitary taste. Flows down the throat like liquid mercury.

- Taylor Ramsay

Crisp, with a hint of pine.

- Stephen Voyce

There’s something about this that transports me to a grove of sapping pine trees.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

$23.40 per (750 mL) bottle

Absolut

2.8

It lacks a smell, which makes its sharp taste all the more distressing.

- Alan Jones

Rather odorless. A mild taste that hits you later. Tangy, tickles your mouth - very little burn.

- Bodi Bold

Joe Howell is the senior bartender at The Spoke Club.

Smells like I should dress a wound with t his vodka. Slight burn. Bitter aftertaste.

PHOTOS: BODI BOLD

- Jeff Bafaro

40%

alc./vol.

$24.95 per (750 mL) bottle

Finlandia

3.5

Iceberg

Fruity smell, deep burn. Deep like a river. I can barely see past the surface. Strong aftertaste, lingers in the throat.

2.8

Honey dew sent. Orange flavor burn flows through the sinuses - Taylor Ramsay

- Jeff Bafaro

Very flavorful and pungent with a smooth aftertaste.

Burns your throat and lingers. Almost sweet and stays on your tongue and lips.

- Alan Jones

- Bodi Bold

The vapour coats your mouth. Even handed and has staying power.

- Helene Goderis

40%

Has a bit of character to it. Fills your mouth with vapors before it hits your tongue.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$25.25 per (750 mL) bottle

$25.00 per (750 mL) bottle

the booze

April 20, 2011

Tanqueray London Dry Gin

7

GIN

3.3

Smells piney but doesn’t linger. Full-mouth flavor. Tad sour and tastes like a night by the fire.

‘Now that I got me some Seagram’s gin Everybody got they cups, but they ain’t chipped in Now this type of shit, happens all the time You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine’ -Snoop Doggy 40

- Maria Chami

This reporter thinks this gin smells like Christmas. Citrus flavour. This is smooth. I’m talking Barry White white smooth.

- Jeff Bafaro

Smells like juice that comes out of tree bark. Very sweet taste, sour but not too dry. Too sour to enjoy.

- Bodi Bold

%

alc./vol.

$14.45 per (375 mL) bottle

Beefeater London Dry Gin

2.5

Lingers way too long. Nobody likes a gin that doesn’t know when to leave.

- Suzie Balabuch

Lingers like a special friend who thinks you said, “I love you, too” when you actually said “I love U2.”

- Alan Jones

Just a hint of gin smell. Hard to swallow (that’s what she said); my eyes watered. Way too strong.

- Bodi Bold

45%

alc./vol.

$13.45 per (375 mL) bottle

Bombay Sapphire London Dry Gin

3.4

Under-whelming smell, overwhelming taste. Has nothing going for it.

- Suzie Balabuch

Interesting for its full, sharp almost savory juniper start and instant finish.

- Helene Goderis

Like a pine-cone dipped in honey.

Most gin is essentially vodka with a crucial final step added in the production process. Neutral spirit is re-distilled through a variety of organic “botanicals,” which can vary significantly between brands but nearly always include a healthy amount of juniper.

Bombay Sapphire, named after Britain’s colonial adventures in India, is flavoured with “cassia bark from Indo-China” and “cubeb berries from Java,” among many other foreign and exotic ingredients, as the bottle proudly proclaims. You can really taste the imperialism! Conversely, Hendrick’s Gin is dolled up with a heady dose of rose petals and cucumbers, giving it a floral sweetness. It’s like the sonnet of gins.

But not all gins are as refined and delicate as those two. Prohibition paved the way for the infamous “bathtub gin,” which simultaneously helped get America to break its allegiance to whisky and spurred incredible innovation in cocktails.

When the Eighteenth Amendment outlawed selling and producing alcohol in 1920—quelle surprise!—the country didn’t stop drinking. Instead, people set about making booze at home. Traditional whisky production required lengthy aging in barrels, which took too long and was difficult to hide from the narcs. So entrepreneurs flavoured low-grade grain alcohol with whatever was handy, and juniper juice became a common choice. The resulting homemade hooch could blind or kill you if made incorrectly, but even if it didn’t it still tasted like death. Bartenders had to come up with creative concoctions just so speakeasy patrons could choke the noxious liquids down, and a cocktail culture was born.

Today, with the notable exception of teenagers sippin’ on Snoop Dogg’s famous “gin and juice,” the most popular gin drink in the world has to be the gin and tonic. That humble beverage has interesting roots as well, besides “angelica root from Saxony.” British troops in India drank quinine-loaded tonic water to fend off malaria, but in the 18th century tonic apparently tasted horrible. In a complete reversal from the Prohibition experience, they added gin to the drink so they could stomach it. To this day, Westerners love their G&Ts, and also very rarely get malaria. Coincidence? It’s not a risk this reporter is willing to take.

JOE HOWELL

-Stephen Voyce

40%

alc./vol.

$14.95 per (375 mL) bottle

Gordon’s London Dry Gin

3.0

Reminds me of crashing into a pine-tree on skis. Basically a mouthful of snow and pine needles along with comforting feeling of knowing my fingers are still attached.

- Taylor Ramsay

Makes you very aware of your tongue all of a sudden. Very strong, in a good way.

The collins is a tall glass with a uniform width typically used to serve gin cocktails, especially the iconic Tom Collins drinks.

Now also used to serve pop and drinks like the Long Island Iced Tea, the collins glass usually holds between 300 and 410 mL.

- Bodi Bold

This one has a scent that just fills your whole body. Overwhelming taste though. This doesn’t have quite a balanced feel to it.

-Maria Chami

40%

alc./vol.

$14.95 per (375 mL) bottle

SUZIE BALABUCH

the booze

8 Although a primitive version of the liquor has been produced since at least the Middle Ages, when Persians would produce alcohol from sugarcane, rum has fairly earned its piratey connotations. Thirsty buccaneers traded the commodity, and the Royal Navy switched the daily stipend of liquor issued to sailors from brandy to rum after Jamaica was captured in 1655.

The term “proof,” by which alcohol’s potency is measured, even derives from this period. To keep sailors sober and the ship afloat, rum would be cut with water before distribution to the boats.

But just how watered down was it? It was an important question when you were using it as money. As the story goes, a little unproven rum would be mixed with gun power, and then the tester would attempt to light it with a magnifying glass. If it exploded, it was overproof, and if it failed to light, it was weak sauce, or underproof. If it stayed lit, it was just right. This modern age has standardized things with a two-toone ratio—40% alcohol content rum is 80 proof, Bacardi 151 (proof) is a blinding 75.5% ABV, and so on.

Just what constitutes “rum” is not so standardized, however. Most everyone agrees it should be a strong sugarcane spirit, but strength, aging requirements, and even ingredients vary between regions. French rums are usually 100% sugarcane juice, while the anglophone islands produce darker rums with sugarcane molasses. In my completely objective opinion, the latter style is far more delicious.

A rum expert once told me that you can substitute the spirit in any cocktail calling for vodka. This has proven true in most of my experimentation, excluding the vodka soda, but your mileage may vary. For a summer drink, shake it with fresh fruit juices, and you can’t go wrong. If you’re more the sippingwhile-you-smoke type, try an aged rum like the El Dorado 12 Year (only $34.65 a bottle at the LCBO, and worth every penny).

JOE HOWELL

April 20, 2011

RUM

And there they lay, all good dead men Like break o’ day in a boozing den Yo-ho-ho and bottle of rum!

Bacardi Superior

2.9

This belongs in my morning coke.

- Bodi Bold (hardened photo editor)

A warm and sweet nose, has a milder taste that coats the tongue. Evaporated quickly enough.

- Helene Goderis

The pleasant chocolatey-caramel smell reminds me of when an alcohol-filled chocolate melted in my jacket pocket, thereby ruining it. Still love it though!

- Suzie Balabuch

40%

alc./vol.

$13.15 per (374 mL) bottle

Bacardi Gold

2.7

Hints of vanilla tickle my nose with this rum. Sweet taste with a smooth finish.

- Jeff Bafaro

This one’s a tease. It lures you in with a cloudy, sweet scent, and then slaps you in the face with a horrible taste.

- Suzie Balabuch

The smell is an overwhelming sweet perfume. The taste is surprisingly dry, gives you the shakes. Mix this with cola, needs something sweet and uplifting.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

$13.40 per (374 mL) bottle

Appleton Estates

2.0

To me, it smells a bit like bananas. Strong punch of the first sip! This one is a definite mixture only in my opinion.

- Adam Lucier

Forest of burning sugar cane over here, people. Tastes like burning, feels like clear cutting my tastebuds.

- Helene Goderis

A snifter is a type of glass used for drinking aged brown liquors like rum and whiskey. The large surface area of the wide bottom helps in the evaporation of the alcohol, while the narrower top traps the scent of the liquor in the glass. The roundness of the bottom fits perfectly in the hand, which in turn helps warm up the alcohol.

SUZIE BALABUCH

Just when you think the initial rubber-tinted smell is the worst part, you’re rewarded with an awful, headache inducing taste.

- Suzie Balabuch

40%

alc./vol.

$13.45 per (374 mL) bottle

the booze

April 20, 2011

9

TEQUILA One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Sauza Tequila Silver

4

Cactus prick on the tongue, followed by a peppery vapor that enters the nostrils.

- Helene Goderis

Orange-blossomy scent. A sharp, power smell. A tequila with confidence.

Alana Saad - Alana Saad

This tequila assaulted my nose, but then made up for it by providing a salty-citrus finish.

- Suzie Balabuch

This tequila has a citrusey smell. Tastes like cough syrup. Cough syrup that makes you hallucinate and piss in your sock drawer.

- Jeff Bafaro

40%

alc./vol.

$29.95 per (750 mL) bottle

Hornitos Tequila Reposado

3.1

Milder in the mouth. This tequila is the color of a pale sunrise.

- Helene Goderis

Nice, mellow taste with a whiff of caramel. Much more polite in the way it treats your taste buds.

- Suzie Balabuch

Smells more acidic and sour, not as hard hitting or powerful.

- Alana Saad

Smells like Sake, Helene says she didn’t buy sake, but I think Helene bought sake and is just lying about not buying sake. I like it! Minty flavour. - Jeff Bafaro 4

Tequila’s history shares a parallel colonial history with rum. The Aztecs first produced alcohol from agave, a succulent plant pollinated by bats (!) that grows in high altitudes. The Spanish conquistadors arrived in 1521, and when they ran out of brandy they began to distill their own agave liquor.

Nearly five hundred years later, use of the term “tequila” is jealously guarded by Mexico. There, only the state of Jalisco (where the town Santiago de Tequila is located) and selected other regions are allowed by law to produce a spirit with that name.

There are four main subcategories of tequila. They are, in ascending order of quality and price, blanco, a clear spirit usually bottled immediately after distillation; gold, which is a mixture of higher and lower qualities; reposado, which has been aged in oak for at least two months; and añejo, which has seen at least one year inside an oak barrel. Additionally, tequila is either 100% agave, or it’s cut with up to 49% of some other kind of sugar, making it a low-quality “mixto” unworthy of your margarita.

Let’s conclude this segment by clearing up a few misconceptions. When Cypress Hill said “eat the worm, motherfucker!” on their classic “Tequila Sunrise,” they were leading you astray.

The “agave worm” is the larval form of a moth that prays on agaves, and in the ‘50s, a savvy producer started including one in the bottle as a marketing gimmick. Not convinced? Thestraightdope. com said it boils down to “let’s see if we can get the gringos to eat worms.” Even more bush league is the shot/salt/lime trio—if the tequila’s any good, it’s the equivalent to pouring ginger ale in your single malt scotch (also like scotch, you shouldn’t be slamming it at all unless it’s rotgut). A Mexican once told me you know you’re in “real Mexico” if they serve your tequila with a sidecar of OJ, tomato juice, grenadine, and hot peppers or Tabasco. Otherwise, you’re in “tourist Mexico.” I thought he was kidding until I looked it up.

JOE HOWELL

0%

alc./vol.

$39.95 per (750 mL) bottle

Jose Cuervo Especial

2.8

Very intense flavour, too intense for me. I’m a tenderfoot when it comes to tequila.

- Jeff Bafaro

The initial smell knocks you on your bum, but then kinda brings you around with a not entirely terrible peppery aftertaste. Suzie Balabuch - Suzie Balabuch

Bold smell, rosewatery. Something dill-pickley about this taste, but it does have a kick. Firey in the throat.

- Alana Saad

The colour of hot desert sands (well, it’s true!). Easy to drink.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

$33.95 per (750 mL) bottle

Tequila is most often drank (or rather, downed) from a shot glass.

Tequila connoisseurs, however, have recently began to favour a new type of tequila glass made by Reidel, which aims to "lift tequila to the level it deserves" by coming up with a stemmed design.

SUZIE BALABUCH

the bars

10

CAMPUS BARS The lighting is unconcerned with creating atmosphere- the GSU pub is stark and brightly lit, with the casual feel of a friend’s rec room, and the music is eclectic but unobtrusive. The crowd is relaxed and diverse in age, caught up in laughter and lively debates.

GSU If you’re looking for a laid-back, affordable place to kick back with a few beers and some close friends, the GSU pub is a great place to go. It boasts a $3 special on select local bottles, immaculately clean taps that reveal the full flavours of its draught beer, friendly staff, free pool on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6-9, and cheap snack food. This is not a place to go for a hearty dinner, but the $1.75 pizza slices from a delivery box are fresh and the 2 for $3 beef and veggie patties are served piping hot, and are deeply satisfying with their flaky crust and juicy, spicy kick.

Affordability: 4/5 Choice: 3.5/5 (beer selection is great, food selection is only pizza, chips and patties) Service: 4.5/5 Overall atmosphere: 4/5

ARBOR ROOM

April 20, 2011

ALANA SAAD went on a campus bar crawled and came back with these dispatches

By day, the earth-toned Arbor Room is an ideal place to do homework: it’s quiet, but not as repressively silent as a library, with pockets of students typing on lap tops, or speaking in considerate and casually low tones amongst themselves. With its forest green and brown colour scheme, wood paneling, lantern-style lights, wooden chairs with little hearts carved into the backrests and comfortable booth-type seating along the wall, there is a warmth and cosiness to this place. Alumni art work hangs along the walls and a bulletin board at the entrance offers updates on future events taking place within. By night, the Arbor Room is teeming and electric, as students gather to watch events on the small, intimately-lit stage at the back; on this particular night, we catch the tail end of a jazz concert with impressive acoustics. Sammy’s Student Exchange, the eatery attached to the Arbor Room, serves a wide variety of multicultural food, from breakfast fare and baked goods to salads, Mediterranean-inspired vegan plates, Tandoori and Cajun chicken, gourmet pizza and cake, among other items, all of which clock in at average prices. A full meal and (non-alcoholic) drink will set you back a little under $10 and the A.R.’s bar prices are also standard. Come here for the night time energy and the nutritious combination plates.

Overall atmosphere: 4/5 Service: 3.5/5 Choice: (food) 4.5/5 Affordability: 3.5/5

EIN-STEIN’S From the boozy, impromptu dancing to the jukebox’s crowd-pleasing modern and classic hits, the modest selection of brews to the Jays’ game flashing across its multiple TV screens, the dimly lit pool tables to the thunderous laughter and conversation, Einstein’s is the quintessential college bar. There is a small but cozy patio outside and a thoughtful seating plan within; the quieter seating better suited for conversation is situated near the front, while the atmosphere grows progressively more raucous the further back you go, amidst a nice hodgepodge of booths, tables, stools and bar seating. The full-flavoured $7.99 nachos are tasty meal and

make a nice snack for sharing, but skip the processed, freshly-defrosted tasting fries. The menu is rich in pub staples, from several different types of burgers to wings to mozzarella sticks. At $10, the pitcher of Einstein lager is a terrific value, and the strong presence of quality Ontario beers is a plus, although the priciest pitcher will set you back $19.50. Each day of the week features a special deal or event, from cheap martinis on Mondays to free stand up comedy on Sundays. There is a celebratory vibe here. For those looking to let loose, wind down and scream along to Journey or Justin Bieber, going to Einstein’s is a no-brainer.

Overall atmosphere: 3.5/5 Service: 3.5/5 Choice: 4/5 Affordability: 3.5/5

SUD’S Every Friday, in the basement of the Sandford Fleming Building from the late hours of the afternoon stretching into the beginning of the night, Suds, the Engineering end-of-the-week celebration, takes place. Amidst a background of pounding dance beats, students, many of them wearing the prototypical hard hat, kick back along the counter that borders the work pit in the center of the room, or in cafeteria-style seating in the brightly-lit back part of the space. The vibe is casual and laid-back, and the party has an unpretentious, thrown-together feel, with the surroundings suggesting a cross between a warehouse and a construction site.

A handful of students DJ at the head of the room next to a booth distributing wristbands and $2.50 beer tickets that can be redeemed at the makeshift bar. There is a communal feel and an obvious camaraderie among the people here, as they wind down, catch up and kick off the weekend.

Price: 4/5 Can’t go wrong with $2.50 bottles Choice: 3/5 Several drinks to choose from, but no food, although you can bring outside food Service: Not really applicable - students man the bar, sell tickets, but it’s all very informal Overall atmosphere:4/5 Friendly vibe,everyone seems to be having a great time

the bars

April 20, 2011

MARTIN WALDMAN tells you what bars to go to if you’re looking for quality craft beers

11

CRAFT BARS

PHOTOS: BODI BOLD

THEY’RE OFF CAMPUS, BUT VERY MUCH WORTH THE DISTANCE.

C’EST WHAT Outside the usual UofT student sphere, and perhaps crossing into Ryerson territory, C’est What stands at the top of Toronto’s beer pile, with some housebrewed beer and delicious blends on offer, in addition to a list of taps that beats out just about anywhere else’s.

Housed in a lower-level spot at Front and Church, two separate sections offer plenty of seating, and the bartenders are among the friendliest and most helpful in town, willing to answer just about any beer-related query you might have for them, (maybe even offering free samples if you’re extra nice). It’s not exactly a student-oriented spot, but an excellent Scotch selection on top of the draft list makes this a must for any lover of high-quality booze.

CLOAK and DAGGER Undoubtedly THE spot for beer selection in the UofT St. George area, the Cloak and Dagger’s bar is completely crowded out by cask choices, one-off editions, and a constantly rotating selection of great Ontario beer. Dubious music selection aside, the bar-serviceonly approach is a personal favourite, with large booths and a big back patio giving plenty of space for quaffing your chosen pint. Combines some classic dive-bar features with top notch beers and a big screen for those interested in local sporting events.

MAGPIE Occupying a storefront along a quickly changing strip of Dundas just west of Bathurst, Magpie’s mellow vibe and kitschy feel go well with its carefully selected list of beers. Not nearly as exhaustive as some other beer-oriented spots, the taps and (especially) bottles on offer still give a great cross-section of different styles, usually including some high-alcohol Belgian styles, and ultrahoppy American IPAs. Lots of mishmash furniture seating and some solid live music nights explain why this place is fast becoming a favourite among hipsters and normal people alike.

RHINO A Parkdale stalwart, the Rhino’s circular bar and overwhelming bottle list will have you changing your mind several times before deciding on a beverage. An impressive selection of taps is dwarfed by an immense, double-sided bottle menu, divided into countries, and with some very appealing prices. Don’t expect the most attentive service, even on a quiet night, but the vibe is laid-back and few if any other spots in the city can boast this kind of selection.

VICTORY CAFE A key institution for Annex residents and students, the Vic is housed in an old mansion on an unsuspecting corner in Mirvish Village. Some quite decent pub fare accompanies a list of some classic Ontario microbrews, along with a few rotating spots for one-offs and seasonal beers. Reliably packed during dinner

hours, two large floors and several different seating areas still make the odds of getting a spot pretty good, especially if your group is a small one. One cask beer is usually available, and mostly friendly service makes this a top-notch place to grab a solid pint.

the booze

12

WHISKY Canadian Club Classic

3.6

If Sean Connery had a Canadian accent.

- Helene Goderis

This whisky calls into question the containment of visual pleasure through use of implied depth-of-field.

- Alan Jones

Methinks this is C.C. Classic. Maybe not. Oaky undertones sweet aroma lovely flavours remind me of a time long ago... in a galaxy far, far away...

- Jeff Bafaro

40%

alc./vol.

$14.95 per (375 mL) bottle

Alberta Premium Canadian Rye Whisky

3.3

A sweet, young thing, unobtrusive on the tongue - Helene Goderis

Not as sweet as others but has its merits.

- Alan Jones

A mellow and spicy whisky.

- Stephen Voyce

This tequila has a citrusey smell. Tastes like cough syrup. Cough syrup that makes you hallucinate and piss in your sock drawer.

- Jeff Bafaro

40%

alc./vol.

$13.00 per (375 mL) bottle

Wiser’s DeLuxe Canadian Whisky

3.1

April 20, 2011 Where to begin? “Whisky” is almost too vague a term to be a single category, but we’ll do our best. Unlike most other liquors, whisky is produced the world over, and in substantially different ways. The only constants are using grain and aging the liquor in wooden barrels after distillation, but certain styles of whisky break even those simple rules.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about the variations in whisky is that each kind can show off the peculiarities of a country or region.

Scotch whisky is a great example of this—most scotches taste of peat because that’s what was historically used to heat the pot stills, after the destruction of Scotland’s old-growth forests made wood fuel prohibitively expensive. Single malt scotches are so valued because unlike blends, they come from a single production run at a single distillery, and connoisseurs can taste regional differences from a scotch made in, say, Islay instead of the Highlands. Whisky from the Scotland’s Lowlands, however, usually don’t have a peat-y component—industrialization shifted them over to coke for fuel way back when, and now whisky from there is primarily used in blended scotches. To make matters worse, Robbie Burns slammed Lowland scotch, deriding it as a “most rascally liquor; and by consequence, only drunk by the most rascally part of the inhabitants.”

A few other regions with interesting whisky idiosyncrasies include the US, where bourbon is made from at least 51% corn mash and must be aged in new barrels, perhaps because America is #1. Irish whiskey (note the “e”) drinkers famously argue about “Catholic” Jameson versus “Protestant” Bushmills, but can all agree both are better than enduring scotch. And in Canada, our “rye whisky” need not actually contain any rye, though the Food and Drugs Act does stipulate our hooch must “possess the aroma, taste and character generally attributed to Canadian whisky.” In other words, it must like the cold, the Queen, and hating on Toronto.

Simply put, drink whisky and tour the world from the comfort of a bar stool. They used to call it a “poor man’s vacation,” you know.

While you pack your bags, I’ll leave you with my favourite recipe for a whisky sour: 1 ½ oz. of whisky (I prefer the bourbon Wild Turkey, AKA “the dirty bird,” but most any will do) to 1 oz. of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Add ½ oz. of simple syrup or agave nectar if you want to really up the ante, and shake with lots of ice.

Drink, repeat, and make bad decisions. Stick to beer next time.

Makes my eyes water. Also, leather boots.

- Taylor Ramsay

This peels back on the flavor, but gains something from the smoothness.

- Alan Jones

I just tasted the best day of my life.

- Stephen Voyce

40%

alc./vol.

$14.25 per (375 mL) bottle

Jack Daniel’s

3.1

You may not be the handsomest of whiskies, but I still love you. Marry me, Mr. Whisky.

- Suzie Balabuch

Makes me feel near as faded as my jeans. Not the best kisser, but definitely not the worst either. Could come back for more and with only a hint of self-loathing.

- Michelle Cassis

If only you treated me as nice as you did when this all began, whisky. If only.

- Helene Goderis

40%

alc./vol.

$15.95 per (375 mL) bottle

The traditional glass used for drinking whiskey is the Old Fashioned whiskey tumbler, an iconic piece of stemware that is still very popular today. Whiskey connoisseurs now prefer a newer style of tumbler that has a slightly curved-in top, thereby trapping the aroma.

SUZIE BALABUCH

the booze

April 20, 2011

Ballantine’s Finest Blended Scotch Whisky

13 Jameson Irish Whiskey

3.8

3.5

Looks darker and older. Sweet smelling and wooden. Tastes cheap - the positive kind.

Smells like ice cream, tastes like tobacco.

- Taylor Ramsay

- Bodi Bold

Smells like the time I went camping. Reflects the first part of the trip when I still loved bacon.

Nuts. Aggressive at first then it warms you up.

- Helene Goderis

- Taylor Ramsay

Woodsy smell. Smoky taste that seems to explode like an atom bomb in your mouth..

I’m drunk..

- Stephen Voyce

40%

-Kayla Cazes

40%

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$13.45 per (375 mL) bottle

$15.45 per (375 mL) bottle

Glenfiddish Single Malt 12 years Johnnie Walker Red Label Scotch Whiskey

3.5

2.8

The smell makes me clench my teeth. Light colored.

Super strong taste.

- Maria Chami

Soft and mellow aftertaste with hints of oak.

If this whisky were someone I knew, I would defriend them on Facebook.- Alan Jones

- Stephen Voyce

Smells ginny, sour, very smooth taste though.

Very pungent smell. Sharp taste that lingers. Slight woodsy taste. Tip of tongue detects sweetness.

- Michael Feswick

- Bodi Bold

Very smokey aroma. I like this one. Oaky and mature. The cougar of whiskey.

40%

alc./vol.

- Jeff Bafaro

40%

$24.45 per (375 mL) bottle

alc./vol.

PHOTOS: BODI BOLD

$16.95 per (375 mL) bottle

WE’RE BUILDING A FACE-TO-FACE SALES FORCE! We want full- and part-time students, recent grads and anyone else who is driven, eager to build their own teams, gain invaluable experience, and who possess a strong desire to succeed selling telecommunications, media, home services and financial products!

If you have passion and are motivated, you will receive full training as well as a base salary + commission! No experience is required, however it is beneficial to have sales knowledge and the ability to read, write and speak English.

If you believe you can prove your expertise and follow through our process, contact us today!

E-mail your resume to: info@f2fmarketing.ca or call: 416.928.1704

the story

14

helene goderis

geoff vendeville news editor

editor in chief

This story takes place a few years back, on the first nice day of spring. My pal Taylor and I had chores and studying to respectively attend to, but playing hooky with a box of wine in a sunny parkette proved mighty tempting on that particular day.

We sat there, in Sally Bird Park, getting blitzed on our box wine, and soon enough a pony-tailed hobo joined us. And then the hobo hollered over to his passing vagabond friend.

And then two tough-looking Central Tech kids joined us, who were themselves skipping shop class.

So there we were -- two hobos who’d grown up together around the corner from the park, hitting a roach; two bros from Central Tech, swilling a 40 of Black Ice; and the two of us 20-somethings hitting back box wine – making merry in the little parkette. The six of us told stories, we laughed, we cried (only kidding), we chastised the high schoolers for ditching school. We even enacted a history-based quiz show to help the them study for a test later that day.

Sometimes alcohol makes you do things you regret the next morning and sometimes it turns you into someone you don’t recognize, but on this particular day, it made us all fast friends. Alcohol, the great equalizer.

My friends T-dawg, Paul and I set out for “sin city,” Plattsburgh, NY. We began the night with the highest of expectations. What happened in Plattsburgh would stay in Plattsburgh, we agreed.

When we got there, we were immediately disappointed. Classes at Plattsburgh U were out and everyone had gone home for the summer; it was seniors’ bingo night at the only nightclub in town; and the radio told us that, due to bad weather, the farmer’s market would be closed tomorrow morning. But the night was still young and we refused to give up hope.

We made our way over to the Naked Turtle, a bar overlooking the bay. The place looked pretty promising from outside: a terrace, a DJ, a dance floor, girls dancing. Not bad. To get past the bouncer, I snuck in through the terrace. I rejoined my friends, we got a table and ordered some drinks.

Eight-dollar pitchers? We’ll take four. Shots given to us by the middle-aged honeys at the other end of the bar? How kind.

Complementary Wrestlemania XXIVVIV t-shirts? Yes, please.

To the best of my recollection, at closing time, we went out to the parking lot and shared our beer with a guy with dreadlocks and his girlfriend. We climbed into docked boats. We wandered around downtown Plattsburgh in a drunken stupor. We were stopped by the police, who, for some reason, let us off the hook.

In the end, I woke up in the front passenger seat of T-dawg’s car, hungover as hell. This summer: Burlington, VT. P.S. If you go to the Turtle, tell them T-dawg sent you.

suzie balabuch arts editor

This story starts at the end, with me waking up with my bed and clothes full of sand. Extracting the previous night’s events took some serious investigation.

I spent the last summer studying in Valencia, Spain.

And by “studying”, I mean partying and attending class perpetually hungover. In Spain, things usually get going around 11 or midnight, and last til sunrise.

On this particular night, my friends and I decided it would be a good idea to go to a bar specializing in shots, which of course included tequila. After ending up at a beach-side club, we decided to go skinny-dipping in the Mediterranean. While most of my friends frolicked in the waves, I started doing yoga (which allegedly included a head-stand) with a random group of strangers I’d met. They were from Poland, but since I was so gone by that point, I’d forgotten how to speak my mother tongue and instead spoke in a mixture of sign language, English, French and Spanish. Surprisingly, this is not the occasion at which I was christened “Boozie Suzie.”

bodi bold

taylor ramsay

photo editor

business manager I was 17. A friend hosted a party at his cottage property featuring live DJs and lots of people. I purchased a 40oz of Beefeater dry gin. I have no recollection of the festivities. After going for a little dip in the lake, clothes soaking wet, I ended up in the back seat of my friend’s parent’s van. As the loud music pumped from the speakers, I discovered a compartment conveniently located to my right. Feeling a little woozy, I saw a container for the contents of a reckless night (puke). I kept it a secret and closed the compartment. Don’t remember getting home. I remember waking up next to my toilet. I awakened completely disoriented, reached for the bathroom doorknob and got disoriented by the intensity of morning sunlight. I walked by the porch, I spotted my mom, soon realizing it was Mother’s day. I reached to give my mother a hug on her day, she pulled away, look of disgust. She asked me if I had a good night. I looked down at my shirt/pants, absolutely covered in yellow regurgitation.

April 20, 2011

michelle cassis contributor

One of my more memorable drinking experiences was many years ago at a residence party. We were all drinking away when later into the night a contest was announced: the prize, a new shirt and all you had to do was change into it, in front of everyone. I’m generally a pretty shy person but was never one to turn down a new shirt. Of course, as this was a school party – I knew most people there but luckily the drunkenness caused that necessary shield from all logic and embarrassment, and to make this short, I ended up with the shirt. The night ended, and I luckily passed out in my own bed but every drunken night comes with a price attached to it – especially if there was also a free t-shirt involved. After waking up from a pretty deep sleep, the first thought was that it was all a horrible dream. But as I slowly regained consciousness – I looked over, and there, on the floor was the t-shirt. And with it – all the shame attached from the night before.

It was all a whirlwind, heat, and flash. At one moment we were all dazedly looking up at the UC courtyard roof, speculating - the next moment two of us were on top of it. After enormous drunken effort to get the rest of us on the roof, me and my friend Greg suffered near-broken bone injuries after trying (and miserably failing) to climb the rain pipes running up the wall towards the rooftop. It was probably a 15 feet drop onto the cold, hard, inhospitable pavement. My bum suffered the most - I couldn’t sit on a flat surface for three weeks afterwards and my buddy’s ankle had doubled in size, suspiciously resembling a spoiled pomengranate.

But our UC roof trip was productive regardless of injuries. We ended up with a book of Essential Darwin Essays and an enormously tall street sign that just seemed perfect for the living room. However, if a prof/TA is looking for a Darwin book that mysteriously vanished from his office a couple of months ago - do not contact the author of this story.

the puzzle page

April 20, 2011

15

1ST PERSON TO FILL OUT ENTIRE PAGE AND RETURN TO OUR OFFICE WINS FREE CASE OF PREMIUM ASS BREWS > PUZZLES BY: ANDREW WALT, CRUCIVERBALIST EXTRAORDINAIRE

ACROSS 1. Pimple unpleasantness 4. Garden hedge 9. On the ocean 14. Pig 17. Aggressive buzzing insect 18. Japanese poem 19. Dons 20. Eve’s mate 22. Nabisco classic 23. Over excited 24. Canoe cousin

25. Negative response 26. Advise 27. Lateral column 29. Least desirable unit 30. Red or Dead 33. Japanese district 37. ___ Cobb (DiCaprio in “Inception” 39. Downtown counterpart 42. Retired soldier 43. Uses the other end of a pencil

47. Where, in the UK, guitarists Beck and Clapton were born 48. In the past 49. Accomplished 50. Indy’s hat 51. Unspecified 52. Taint 54. Everything 55. Got a move on, as tex might say 56. Alexis Bledel on “Gilmore Girls”

57. Slippery 58. Golf tee 59. Garage 63. Sin 64. Rodent 65. Celluloid spool 69. “Tristan and ___” 70. What this issue’s all about 72. Atlantic and Pacific 74. “Chips ___!” (cookie brand) 75. Pen substance

76. Iota 77. Mocked 78. Popular sandwich 79. Lard 80. Lady’s mate 81. Inspiring conversation 86. Made use of a candle 87. Delivery service 88. Tina ___ (“30 Rock” actress) 91. Cunning Greek goddess 92. Frying tool 93. Massive battle 95. Grow old 98. Contaminates 99. Middling 101. Marketplaces 102. He says, in Latin 103. Danced reluctantly 104. At this very moment 105. ___ Anthony (singer-songwriter) 108. Frequency acronym 109. Flows back 113. Super berry 114. “CSI” locale 118. Reverse a fly 123. Overwhelming defeat 124. East’s opposite 125. Starry hunter 126. Puzzle unit 127. Not difficult 128. Bashful 129. Entice 130. Doze off 131. Arid

DOWN 1. Paint brand 2. Addict 3. Supporter 4. Quietly order silence 5. Bale bundle 6. Tombstone acronym

7. Hawaiian instrument 8. Mexican snack 9. Clumsily 10. Earl Grey or Orange Pekoe 11. Speak 12. Eon 13. Inquire 14. Lovingly crafted 15. Stench 16. Wide opening 17. Amaze 21. Peter Griffin’s daughter 28. Single 31. Ram’s mate 32. No longer; not ___ 33. A woman’s egg maker 34. Frat party staple 35. Bemoan 36. Common conjunction 37. Remove mist 38. Raw minerals 39. America 40. Play on words 41. Attempt 44. Type of milk or bean 45. Before 46. Blue 53. Creative expression 54. Circus performer 55. New York opera company 56. Fishing necessity 57. Online chat tool 58. Mate 59. FBI counterpart 60. Ember 61. Kanga’s kid (from “Winnie the Pooh”) 62. Cardboard or bath tissue layer 63. Deer species 64. Decay 65. “___ & Stimpy” 66. Dine 67. WSW opposite

SUDSOKU SNIP SNIP

68. Pyschotropic drug 70. Industrious insect 71. Strike 72. Charon, for example 73. What cows chew 75. Variety, as a group of people 77. Summit 78. A great time 79. Confusing hidden text 80. Attracted 81. ___ Sajak (“Wheel of Fortune” host) 82. Flightboard information 83. Greek character 84. Stubbornness 85. Prefix signifying opposition 86. Molten rock 88. Woodland animal pelt 89. Epoch 90. Positive response 92. “___-Man” (Classic video game character) 93. Stretches and exercises 94. Time of life 96. Ontatio art gallery 97. Loomerd overhead 100. Sales associate 105. Gullet 106. Highest cards 107. Skin irritation 110. Wild pig 111. Swamped with work 112. Pigpen 114. Bon ___; witticism 115. Wrath 116. Set your sights 117. Broom alternative 119. Nada 120. How Americans pronounce “Z” 121. Frozen water 122. Vigour

you know the drill

the boozepaper

16

April 20, 2011

SHIPWRECKED BOOZE SUZIE BALABUCH dives for sunken treasure that’s worth its weight in gold

Raise a glass to the preserving powers of the sea, everyone. In the past year, the alcohol world has been atwitter with news of the discovery of nearly two century-old beer and champagne.

In July of last year, in waters south of Åland, a Finnish archipelago in the Baltic Sea, divers found a 250 year-old shipwreck of an old schooner 50 meters below sea level. To their delight, the shipwreck contained precious treasure: 168 bottles of champagne and five bottles of beer. Upon surfacing, one of the bottles shattered, and the astonished divers found that it contained not seawater, but champagne.

The bottles were first located in the stern, after the divers spotted a number of bottles, resting in straw. Remarkably, intact porcelains and a brick oven were also found in the sunk schooner.

The dark and cool Baltic seabed provided ideal storage conditions for the champagne, and the pressure inside the bottles was enough to prevent sea water from seeping in. Since the bottles were positioned horizontally, most were salvageable.

The divers found the submerged schooner after conducting a preliminary scan of the seabed using a sidescan echo locator. Surprisingly, the scan revealed that the schooner was standing on its keel. The ship is thought to date back to the early 1800s, but its origins remain unknown.

The source of the champagne, however, has been determined.

Most of the 168 bottles are of the well known champagne house Veuve Clicquot and the now-defunct Juglar (now Jacquesson).

During the re-corking process, another champagne was discovered, a Heidsieck, the oldest existing bottle of its kind.

Richard Vines, chief food critic for Bloomberg News, says the champagne’s taste was not spoiled by its unusual (and long) storage. In fact, it probably improved over the years.

“The champagne was so well preserved because it lay horizontally at

about 2-3 degrees, u n d e r pressure, in the dark.

The fizz had all but disappeared.

Still, there was plenty of flavor.”

At an Aland government press conference on the discovery of the champagne and beer, a few lucky reporters, including Vines, had the unique opportunity to taste the Juglar.

He describes the champagne as “sweet and spicy, [it] reminded me of Pedro Jimenez sherry. If I had been served it as a sticky wine after a dinner, I would have enjoyed it. It didn’t taste particularly musty or old; it tasted complex and mature.”

The five bottles of beer were also very well preserved, to such an extent that the Technical Research Centre of Finland (VTT) may be able to recreate the

beer’s original recipe.

Annika Wilhelmson, Customer Manager at VTT, says “We find it extremely interesting to study what kind of yeast was used in the beginning of the 1800s and what quality the beer of that time had. Was the beer perhaps very strong and bitter?”

“At this point, we believe that this is the oldest bottle of beer in the world. It seems that we now have the world’s oldest champagne, but also the oldest beer safe to drink,” says Rainer Juslin, Minister of Education, Science, and Culture in Åland.

Apart from the estimates concerning the ship’s and bottles’ ages, there has been speculation as to the monetary value of the champagne bottles. The value has now been estimated at anywhere starting from ten thousand euros per bottle, among the highest prices on the market. The auction will most likely take place this summer in Åland, which will exclude sale of the beer bottles, as there are only five.

The Åland government plans to use this astonishing boozethemed story, as well as the ensuing auctions staggered over the next few years as publicity for the tiny autonomous island region of Finland.

It is now prohibited to dive at the site of the shipwreck, but Åland’s government has plans for another diving expedition this summer.

the boozepaper

April 20, 2011

17

BOHEMIAN SPIRIT NICOLE GABOURIE and EVANNA FOLKENFOLK take a look at absinthe, the dark horse of the alcohol world The effects of absinthe have long had a mysterious reputation, shrouded in rumors of mind control, hallucinogenic properties, and aphrodisiac arousal. But wait! Before you buy your local liquor store out of its stock, these rumours have been, as many often are, greatly exaggerated by the media.

Though absinthe contains the molecule thujone, which supposedly accounts for its alleged mind-altering properties, it does so in minescule proportions barely detectable in reallife party situations. It does, however, contain between 45% and 75% of pure alcohol. So when the delirium hits, as it undoubtedly will, you will be too drunk to tell whether you were hallucinating or just seeing triple.

This fantastical reputation does have some roots in history, but perhaps for reasons less mystical than one would hope.

Despite its frightening fluorescent glow and its supernatural reputation, absinthe’s main ingredients are surprisingly natural. Derived largely from the flowers and leaves of Artemisia absinthium (an herb commonly referred to as “grande wormwood”), absinthe is infused with lemon balm, sweet fennel, and green anise. It’s the licorice and tarragon qualities of the green anise that give absinthe its distinctive biting taste and powerful aroma.

Due to its forceful flavor, absinthe is best diluted, or even poured over a cube of sugar. It is a spirit often considered too strong to be consumed by itself.

A shot of absinthe can literally burn the back of your throat and sting like a bee when it travels down your esophagus – not a drink for the faint of heart.

Absinthe became a popular European spirit in the late 19th century, most notably in France, though it originated in Switzerland. When the continent went through a slight shortage of wine in the early 20th century (egad!), people turned to absinthe in greater numbers. It soon became a global phenomenon and the drink of choice among European aristocracy. The late 1800s brought with them the “Absinthe Power Hour” -- an ‘hour’ of spirited

oped into a self-perpetuating cycle. Since absinthe was rumoured to aid creativity, it was consumed by those that valued creativity, namely artists, who then produced masterpieces, thereby (falsely) cementing absinthe as the liquid green muse.

The most famous of the boozy geniuses was Vincent Van Gogh, whose paintings are not only among the most revered in the world, but who is also iconic for cutting off his own ear. Fuelled by stories surrounding absinthe’s mystical effects, many began to wonder if it was not the spirit that was responsible for his episode of insanity.

Undoubtedly, Van Gogh was not in the best state of mind when he cut off his ear, but researchers have long suspected that the artist’s erratic behavior may have had more to do with the drastic and continuous damage of the nervous system disintegration caused by the consumption of absinthe than with its hallucinogenic properties. As it turns out, absinthe really should never have been drank straight: when consumed undiluted, it becomes poisonous to the central nervous system and can lead to serious health complications, and even insanity.

Nowadays, it is safely diluted and no more poisonous than those vodka sodas you guzzled at the bar last night. So go ahead, take a ride with the Green Fairy.

ILLUSTRATION: STEPHANIE KERVIN intoxication that began at 5pm and continued well into the next day. As it grew in popularity, absinthe became increasingly associated with arts and culture, and by the end of the century had become the unofficial spirit of Bohemia.

As the celebrated beverage of the Bohemian bourgeoisie, absinthe acquired a mystical reputation as the artist’s muse.

Rumours spread about artists

having strokes of creative genius while under its influence, and many aspiring and established European artists began to use absinthe for inspiration.

Famous drinkers include Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, the French poet Baudelaire, and the quintessential Bohemian, Pablo Picasso.

What probably began as an isolated stroke of genius by a drunk Bohemian quickly devel-

HART HART HOUSE HOUSE HAIR HAIR PLACE PLACE Finest Cutting and Style Colour and Highlights

7 HART HOUSE CIRCLE MONDAY TO FRIDAY, 8:30 - 5:30 SATURDAY, 9:00 - 5:00 For Appointments Call: 416-978-2431 EXCELLENT EXCELLENT WORK WORK & & REASONABLE REASONABLE RATES RATES

the boozepaper

18

April 20, 2011

SOYOUWANTTO BE A BARTENDER? DAN MILLER on why being a barkeep is far more than just slinging beers Bartending is one of the most universally applicable trades in the world. The job comes with flexible hours, an abundance of interesting stories, and of course tips. A good bartender can make $350 dollars a night or more. What can be more exciting than combining alcohol with raking cash? But, alas, this booze and bling misconception has led astray many well-intentioned youths. Bartending is an art. Some people are naturally better suited for it than others.

Len Fragomeni, an instructor from the Toronto Institute of Bartending, says there are some skills a bartender needs that just can’t be taught. A personality, for instance: “You can teach somebody how to make a Manhattan, but you can’t teach somebody how to offer great service.”

“At the end of the day, you have to be willing to take care of people, you’re in the hospitality industry.... Quite frankly there are lots of bartenders out there that are not that hospitable.”

But an easy smile and fast pour isn’t enough for an aspir-

ing bartender. Len Fragomeni: “It’s not a quick and easy way to make a lot of money. As cocktail culture continues to grow globally, more and more establishments are looking for even better qualified bartenders. So if you think you are just going

to take a bartending program and start working in the city’s hottest clubs and make $350 a night, it’s pretty far-fetched.” A bartender has to work their way up, and this inevitably has to start from the bottom up.

Enjoyment of alcohol may be

universal, but tastes are not. For a bartender looking to be successful in their trade, having a perception of trends, and “taste profiles” can be a tremendous asset. “Ten years ago we used to drink Molson Canadian, and Coors Light, you hardly see that

stuff downtown anymore.” Microbreweries are the new thing and, according to Fragomeni, they are here to stay. “There are so many beers here in Ontario, so many options for great beers and lots of new microbreweries popping up.”

Gone are the days when the choice was imported or domestic. Tastes change, and for bartenders and bars to be successful they must be able to anticipate and adapt to trends. “A lot of Toronto bartenders are stuck in the fact that we are in Canada’s biggest city and think they are the be-all, end-all of bars…but we are quite behind the cocktail culture in places like Vancouver.”

Above all, whether someone is pouring beers in a hole-in-thewall or mixing drinks in a hot downtown club there is one defining trait of a good bartender: personality. It’s all about genuinely wanting people to have a good time, and that begins with being nice. As Fragomeni says, “If you don’t want to be nice to people, go work for the government.”

NOTES FROMTHE BREWER’S HAND When I was 19 and just figuring out the city’s bar scene, there was one basic feature that I demanded of my drinking holes: cheap beer. Having meticulously scheduled all my university classes in the afternoons, guaranteeing no early mornings, the night was mine to party with my friends on a student’s paltry budget. I recall always ordering the same beers- cheap and chemically-tasting ones- and one of my best friends always making fun of me for drinking crap; he preferred a slightly pricier and higher quality brew but I just wrote him off as a beer snob. Until I became one.

I started working at a microbrewery in Toronto about six years ago, and since then, my entire outlook on the industry has changed. Since we get a couple of free beers after work, and the option of taking home a two-four with each paycheck, and given that I am surrounded by beer in tanks and bottles and

ALANA SAAD reflects on how working at a brewery changes your perspective on brews the smell of barley and hops lingers in the air all day, the rebellion and revelry that beer used to represent has become more habitual, a part of my daily life.

There’s a strange dichotomy at work in my head, since seeing beer in such vast volumes leads me to devalue it somewhat because it’s so plentiful and generally given to me for free, but since I greatly enjoy the product, it makes me thirsty to find other equally tasty beers. I have a knee-jerk “w.t.f.?” reaction whenever I get charged for beer at bars, even though I know how entitled and downright bratty that sounds, but working at a brewery really spoils you like that and distorts all sense of market value and worth that we assign to products. The flip

side is that since I consider the beer we produce to be of a high calibre, I’ve come to expect that same quality in any beer I buy, which ultimately ends up costing a buck or two more.

Lately, I’ve become obsessed with local brews, and thankfully we have a lot of amazing microbreweries in Ontario- Mill Street makes a delicious, light Organic beer and a hearty Tankhouse ale, Great Lakes produces a killer, autumn-y Pumpkin ale, Steam Whistle boasts a refreshing, hoppy pilsner with all natural ingredients, KLB brews a kicky, delectable Raspberry Wheat Ale and Amsterdam’s Big Wheel, to quote their slogan, is one “ ’dam good beer.” Working in the industry has made me interested in sampling the local beers in

any city I visit, because everyone has heard of the big names, but the lesser-known brands are often just as, if not more, impressive. However, if you want to access a substantial selection of beers from around the world without leaving Toronto, one of the best bars to check out is the Rhino in Parkdale, which features around three hundred different beers, making it hard to ever run out of new things to try.

When I was in high school, I romanticized the whole nightlife community, thought that bartenders had the most wonderful job imaginable and constantly interacted with the most fascinating people, be they the poets and musicians of the city, or the gritty underbelly

of society whose stories would make your head spin. After having bartended for a handful of events at my brewery- or more specifically, having been sober in an atmosphere where everyone else was ridiculously inebriated- I see that bartending is a job like any other, and requires a great degree of delicacy and psychology, since you’re often dealing with people in lucid, vulnerable or volatile states.

But more often than that, I have been the drinker, sipping on a pint while watching a concert, screaming over the music at a rowdy bar flailing around a bottle to emphasize my words, or just chilling out over a few beers with my co-workers, poking fun at each other and winding down after a long day. One more thing I can say about working at a brewery- paradoxically, I find myself drinking less than I used to, but enjoying it more than I ever did.

April 20, 2011

the boozepaper

19

HOW DO YOU SCORE? You probably remember the mark you received on your essay (although you’d rather forget,) and you have no trouble recalling the beer-pong score from last Friday. What you probably don’t know is how you score when it comes to alcohol consumption.

By the time a Canadian turns fifteen, 80% of his or her peers have already tried alcohol. Heavy frequent drinking among youth 15 to 24 years of age, is three times higher than the rate for adults 25 years and older (11.7% versus 3.9%).

According to these statistics, most students have already been exposed to alcohol on multiple occasions, which only increase further with the bevy of events occurring on and off campus that offer the opportunity to drink.

In lieu of this trend in alcohol consumption, an American organization named Screening for Mental Health has developed an online alcohol screening program called How Do You Score as a way for students to evaluate their drinking habits

and see if they need help.

Kathryn Quirk, a representative of Screening for Mental Health, is realistic about the drinking habits of students, and the risks involved. “We know college students drink.

We know, whether the drinking

age is 19 or 21, they’re going to experiment with alcohol. We’re trying to get at the abuse that occurs- risky drinking, binge drinking.”

How Do You Score originated as a one-day alcohol awareness campaign to bring light to this

issue. Now that the program has gone online, the program can be run year-round because of this “portal” that has been created.

The University of Toronto is unfortunately not one of the Canadian schools registered on the site, but Quirk emphasizes

that this fact should not be a deterrent when it comes to alcohol awareness and education.

The screening process is anonymous, and it is not obligatory to disclose your school’s name.

Screening for Mental Health is trying to take away some of the stigma attached to these types of online screening programs.

Quirk says, “People think of taking an alcohol screening as being an alcoholic. You don’t need to be dependent on alcohol to have a problem with alcohol.”

Quirk urges students to take a long, hard look at their drinking by taking the time to complete the screening. “If the drinking you’re doing is affecting your life negatively in some way-you can’t make it to class on time, your grades are slipping, you’re not doing your work, you can’t participate in any normal activities -- you’ve let alcohol dominate your life.”

To participate in this anonymous screening, visit www. howdoyouscore.org. For more information on Screening for Mental Health, visit mentalhealthscreening.org.

AS IF YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON TO DRINK EACH TIME YOU CRY DAN CHRISTENSEN wonders: what better place to drunkenly address your darkest thoughts but the movies?

Who doesn’t love drinking games? Nobody. So often, we find ourselves in desperate need of an alcohol-aided escape from our miserable lives – so desperate this need is, in fact, that simply sipping a glass of wine at intervals of our fancy over a relaxed chat will not do, and we must have an activity whose sole purpose is facilitating and ensuring our continued booze consumption over the course of an “evening.”

We’re all familiar with movie drinking games, but usually we find them in the action or comedy realms, like Batman (drink each time Batman interprets a clue in a way that makes no sense, but leads directly to the villain), or The Matrix (drink each time you see someone wearing sunglasses when it’s not sunny/indoors).

But sometimes, you need a

WALL-E: Here’s a kids’ movie with a lot of heart. So, drink every time you want the robots to have sex.

drinking game and you need it now--but all you’ve got is Philadelphia. Not to worry! We can help. Here are seven drinking

games for when you don’t have a deck of cards, you’ve played all the other ones, or you’re simply deranged:

The Elephant Man: David Lynch’s fascination with the ultra-weird is somewhat downplayed (at least compared to the dancing little people of Twin Peaks) in this heart-wrenching story of a helpless outsider. So, drink every time you are horrified by this man’s hideous face.

Schindler’s List: With the news about the Japanese tsunami continuing to flood in, I’m sure I’m not the only one making a mental list of history’s most devastating events. I can imagine the Holocaust would make most people’s lists, so drink every time you get curious about what’s on Schindler’s grocery list, or every time he looks at/ talks of/thinks about his watch.

Philadelphia: Ah, yes. The movie that taught us that gay people get AIDS. That was the take-away lesion – I mean lesson – right? Well, anyways, drink every time you start to think “jeez, Tom Hanks looks rough...” but then realize that he has AIDS and feel bad. Or every time Denzel does something homophobic.

Brokeback Mountain: Speaking of homosexual men, what about this instant classic? Drink every time they’re gay on the mountain.

Avatar: Well, it may not be a challenge to come up with drinking games here, so perhaps try this one on your second go-round. Drink every time you imagine having sex with a blue cat.

20

the end

April 20, 2011

ALICIA NAUTA

the boozepaper 2011 Big Wheel Deluxe Amber

Molson Canadian

4.1

Lacy head with a pretty colour. Bubbly on the tongue but a plain flavour. A bit of tang.

3.3

This has a creamy head and is quite clovey. A mild and quiet beer for the unassming chap.

- Dianna Wilson

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

“I love this beer! I will try to keep my hand out of my pants, I am really excited!

- Jeff Bafaro

Good ol’ standard. I would expect a hangover from this one.

- Jesse Foster

5% Amsterdam Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$11.95 per 6 (355 mL) bottles

Great Lakes Project X

5% Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$10.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Amsterdam Natural Blond Lager

3.9

Bewitching, like running your hands through soft lawn grass at night.

1.9

Faintly metallic aftertaste. Bathurst, south of King.

- Christopher Trigg

- Helene Goderis

Full bodied. This beer makes a statement! It enters a room, proclaiming: ‘Hazaa!’

Hard little bubbles with a coppery taste.

- Zach Slootsky

- Michelle Cassis

Great Lakes Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Project X meets 2nd Thursday of every month: $10 to enter tasting

Nickel Brook Maple Porter Aaron Zack

The table just erupted into expressions of surprise. I have supped on nectar.

- Helene Goderis

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$2.50 per 1 (473 mL) can

Keith’s India Pale Ale

4.0

It’s like Willy Wonka let me into his Chocolate Factory.

-

5%

Amsterdam Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

2.2

This beer has no balls! You want to corner this beer in a dark alley and steal its wallet cause you know it won’t fight back.

- Jeff Bafaro

Light and simple. A standard summer drink.

- Aaron Zach

5.5 %

Better Bitters Brewing Company . Burlington, ON

alc./vol.

Get it at:

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

1913 Traditional Ale

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Wind & Sail Dark Ale

3.7

Maple aroma, balanced hop flavour, just the right amount of bitter finish. A winner by all accounts.

- Aaron Zach

3.5

A stark stout with hints of chocolate.

- Stephanie Kervin

A beer with strong cocoa undertones, a smooth finish with very little aftertaste.

A fizzy beer with bite.

- Mark Peckmezian

- Jeff Bafaro

4.5% Grand River Brewing . Cambridge, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$3.50 per 1 (500 mL) bottle

KLB Raspberry Wheat Ale

$12.85 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

2.2

- Aaron Zack

Rich amber colour, fresh springtime smell, dense aroma permeates the palate while calming and refreshing it. I would buy a pint.

Aidan Koper

4.5%

Amsterdam Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$19.95 per 12 (341 mL) bottles

Harvest Gold Pale Ale

This tastes like winning. Did I win something? Yes. Life.

- Zach Slootsky

4% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

alc./vol.

Get it at:

$9.95 per 6 (355 mL) cans

Rickard’s White

3.1

3.3

A citrus smell and taste I find it refreshing.

This is a nice solid beer; subtle, simple, mouthy.

- Jesse Foster

- Zach Slootsky

Smooth and bubbly with a slightly sweet smell and taste. Is a little watery, but goes down smooth - would probably have another.

A nice, balanced beer, highly drinkable.

- Mark Peckmezian

-Jordynn Lucier

4% Barley Days Brewing . Prince Edward County, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

Strong fruity bouquet. Reminiscent of soda pop. Like adult pop.

Evanna Folkenfolk

-

Get it at:

Bud Light Lime

3.3

My tongue feels like it woke up from a nap.

-

5% Barley Days Brewery . Prince Edward County, ON

alc./vol.

$12.85 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

5.4%

alc./vol.

$12.50 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

the boozepaper 2011 Nickel Brook Green Apple Pilsener

Stella Artois

2.4

Good thing I brought my own insulin to the party!

2.8

A subtle, persistent hoppiness

- Aaron Zack

- Christopher Trigg

Legion beer: the kind of beer you drink at a legion with old men (out of small juice glasses). They would probably mix tomato juice in with theirs. - Adam Lucier

It’s my baby. Best beer yet. Ignore these fools that say otherwise!

- Jess Stokes

4% Better Bitters Brewing Company . Burlington, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$11.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Rickard’s Red

5.0%

Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Red Baron

2.3

Like breathing deeply in Canadian Tire.

2.7

This beer has a fruity smell. Spritely bubbly feel, like a kiss in the 9th grade.

- Adam Lucier

I was having a conversation during that beer. Great conversation beer.

- Zach Slootsky

- Jeff Bafaro

Pleasant, fruity aroma. Nice light and refreshing citrus taste. Very (too!) drinkable. Nice, light odour.

- Michelle Cassis

5.2% Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

alc./vol.

Get it at:

$5.50 per 4 (341 mL) bottles

Hockley Dark Traditional English Ale

4.8% Brick Brewing Co. . Waterloo, ON

Get it at:

$11.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Nickel Brook Ale

4.0

Bananas, in pyjamas, running down the stairs.

alc./vol.

3.9

Creamy, robust flavour has a striking complexity. Very distinct and surprising taste.

- An obviously intoxicated Christopher Trigg

- Aidan Koper

A very well-mannered beer. Confident, yet knows when to let loose.

Hoppy, nutty and curiously affable.

- Christopher Trigg

- Jeff Bafaro

5% Hockley Valley Brewing Co. . Orangeville, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$2.65 per 1 (473 mL) can

Red Leaf Smooth Red Lager

5% Better Bitters Brewing Company . Burlington, ON

Get it at:

$11.50 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Keith’s Tartan Ale

2.5

There is a slight taste of resin and an overall thinness - a sly little beer.

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

Like speed skating on your tongue - zipping around for no other reason than to get to the finish line. Lovely head.

- Diana Wilson

2.9

A creamy, buttery beer with a wheaty taste. A buttered bun, if you will.

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

A soft constitution. I would order another - Jesse Foster

5% Great Lakes Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$11.50 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Creemore Springs Premium Lager

6.1 % Labatt Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

$8.40 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Laker Lager

3.4

Tastes like summer sex in a canoe.

alc./vol.

2.7

Cloudy and otherwise indistinguishable. A sane beer. The normal fellow in the corner

- Jess Stokes

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

Subtle creamy tastye. Not too strong to drink all night, but not too mild and water. Nice and wheaty.

- Aidan Koper

Inoffensive, probably delivered by Clydesdale horse.

- Adam Lucier

5% Creemore Springs Brewery . Creemore, ON

Get it at:

Premium Organic Lager

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$2.65 per 1 (473 mL) can

Devil’s Pale Ale 666

2.8

Very green - the Toyota Prius of beers. (Watch our for that right pedal!)

- Adam Lucier

This color is figures heavily in the dreams of leprachans.

- Helene Goderis

5% Better Bitters Brewing Company . Burlinton, ON

Get it at:

5% Brick Brewing Co. . Waterloo, ON

alc./vol.

$4.95 per 1 (650 mL) bottle

3.6

Very strong and distinct flavour. Smokey hints here and there. Such character and suaveness, this beer sweeps me off my feet! I’m in love again! - Jeff Bafaro Great dark brown look with sharp, piney nose. Solid malty backbone with some coffee flavour, and a kickass hop explosion to balance it all out. - Martín Waldman

6%

Great Lakes Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$2.60 per 1 (473 mL) can

Stella Artois Legere

Waterloo Dark

3.2

4.0

Sophisticated, like an AGO docent

Did you get this one from Bistro 422?

- Christopher Trigg

- Zach Slootsky

This beer has a really nice scent - floral and fresh. Excellent for summer patio consumption

A dark and meaty beer, please serve with reindeer - Kate Wakely-Mulroney

-Kate Wakely-Mulroney

4.0%

Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$24.50 per 12 (330 mL) bottles

Beck’s

5% Brick Brewing Co. . Waterloo, ON

alc./vol.

Get it at:

$11.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Hockley Black and Tan

3.1

3.4

A leggy body with a bright, bright face.

Peaty, warm, and inviting. Like a tipsy Irish lass.

- Helene Goderis

- Christopher Trigg

A sparky, Lemony Snickett of a beer

Hints of liquorice. Delicious hints of liquorice.

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (330 mL) bottles

Molson M

4.7 % Hockley Valley Brewing Co. . Orangeville, ON

Get it at:

$2.65 per 1 (473 mL) can

Working Man’s Stout

3.2

alc./vol.

3.3

Crisp like the beating of Pegasi wings.

The bottom of your thermos after Uncle Fred has borrowed it.

- Helene Goderis

- Christopher Trigg

Chocolatey smell, blue collar flavour.

I’m getting both banana and apricot here - warm and sparkly, like an excellent tart”

- Jeff Bafaro

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

4.9% Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (355 mL) cans

Hannenberg Pils

4.5% Barley Days Brewery . Prince Edward County, ON

Get it at:

$12.85 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Rickard’s Dark

3.0

Too cute, too sweet.

4.0

Warm and heavy like a bourbon biscuit, or a hot water bottle.

- Christopher Trigg

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

Butterscotch! Like a very adult sundae.

I want to travel to the dark side of the moon with this one.

- Aaron Zack

- Helene Goderis

4.5% Grand River Brewing . Cambridge, ON

Get it at:

Coors Light

alc./vol.

$3.50 per 1 (500 mL) bottle

5.2% Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

Brava Premium Lager

2.4

Scrumptraleocent! A very tasty beer suitable for all occasions

alc./vol.

$22.95 per 12 (341 mL) bottles

2.6

You please me, you full-bodied hussy.

- Geoff Vendeville

- Helene Goderis

Feels like this one is dancing the worm across my tongue.

Like flat Prosecco, drunk out of a bride’s maid’s shoe.

- Helene Goderis

- Christopher Trigg

4% Molson Coors Canada . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

Kokanee

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$11.95 per 6 (355 mL) cans

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

Budweiser

2.2

alc./vol.

$9.25 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

2.2

So inoffensive that this beer could hit me with a bat, steal $5.00 from me and give me improper directions to Montreal and I couldn’t be mad at it.- Adam Lucier

DO go chasing waterfalls - Helene Goderis

Fizzy and light, this beer is very poundable!

- Jeff Bafaro

Golden and sharp, with a strong, nasal-clearing aroma.

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$13.95 per 6 (355 mL) cans

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$10.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Labatt Blue

3 .0

This reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter 6 where they force the old wizard to keep drinking potion. Yeah I said that - don’t judge me.

- Michelle Cassis

Mill St. Original Organic Lager

3.7

Loving the golden hue, which reminds me of the inside of a Twix bar. - Suzie Balabuch The colour of a sunworn cottage room. I could really ease into life with a 2-4 of this beside me. And a sunworn cottage.

This beer is as anorexic as Ally McBeal.

- Aaron Zack

-Helene Goderis

5% Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$9.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Millennium Buzz Hemp Beer

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Duggan’s #9

3 .3

Loose, collapsed foam; nutty flavour with a forest floor aesthetic. Unchallenging tase but pleasant nonetheless.

- Siana Trailson

This beer lacks vital pizazz, but steers the ship into the harbour safe and steady.

- Noah Gataveckos

3.3

Its dark colouring belies its sophisticated flavour. It tastes like something P. Diddy might drink, if he wasn’t always drinking Cristal. - Suzie Balabuch Smells hirsutey, chocolatey taste, nice mouthfeel, bitter aftertaste. Sorta like the Maple Leafs.

- Jeff Bafaro

5% Cool Beer Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

4.2%

Mill St. Brewery . Toronto, ON

alc./vol.

$5.50 per 4 (341 mL) bottles

Steam Whistle Pilsner

6.2%

Duggan’s Brewery. Toronto, ON

Get it at:

$11.95 per 6 (275 mL) bottles

Maximum Ice

4.0

alc./vol.

2.8

One pilsner to rule them all, the Lord of The Beers.

Like licking an ingot, if you’re into that sorta thing. I am.

- Helene Goderis

- Helene Goderis

This is the perfect beer for patio drinking: thirst quenching. Goes down oh too easily.

- Jeff Bafaro

Fulsome, mossy flavour. Excellent companion while you’re looking for the pot of gold.

- Diana Wilson

5% Steam Whistle Brewing Co. . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.95 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Creemore urBock

7.1%

Labatt Brewing Co. . London, ON

Get it at:

$2.25 per can (473 mL)

Hoptical Illusion

3 .2

A beer to drink in the cool of the afternoon, beneath the shady arch.

alc./vol.

3.5

Now THIS is a beer. Give me a cottage, bacon, motorboat, and this.

- Christopher Trigg

- Helene Goderis

This beer smells sweet, almost fruity. Tom Selleck in a bottle!

Gimme a kiss!

A beer that I imagine is found in workmen’s lunch pales.

- Helene Goderis

- Jeff Bafaro

6% Creemore Springs Brewery . Creemore, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$13.25 per 6 (341 mL) bottles

Creemore Springs Premium Lager

5% Flying Monkeys Craft Brewing . Barrie, ON

Get it at:

$11.95 per 6 (355 mL) bottles

Mill St. Lemon Tea Beer

3.4

3.8

Marbled head, easy on the mouth.

Tastes like summer sex in a canoe.

- Helene Goderis

- Jess Stokes

Subtle creamy tastye. Not too strong to drink all night, but not too mild and water. Nice and wheaty.

Pretty taste overall, and quite drinkable.

- Adam Rasmi

- Aidan Koper

5%

5% Creemore Springs Brewery . Creemore, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

alc./vol.

$23.95 per 12 (341 mL) bottles

Jubilation Winter Warmer

Mill St. Brewery . Toronto, ON

alc./vol.

Get it at:

$2.65 per can (473 mL)

Mill St. Tank House Ale

2 .9

3.5

Starts with a lvely coffee-infused aroma, and then surprises with a nice tangy kick.

Dark and comely.

- Helene Goderis (and Song of Songs, chapter 1, verse 5)

- Suzie Balabuch

A warm chocolatey taste - but a dry chocolate, like a kitkat that’s been left too long at the green grocer’s.

Soft and yet flavourful. Utterly beguiling.

- Helene Goderis

- Kate Wakely-Mulroney

5.2%

7% Grand River Brewing . Cambridge, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$4.75 per 1 (500 mL) bottle

Mill St. Brewery . Toronto, ON

Get it at:

alc./vol.

$12.55 per 6 (341 mL) bottles