Issue 22 - March 13 2008

the boozepaper toronto’s student community paper

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November 22 2007 Vol. XXX No. XI

March 13 2008 Vol. XXX No. XXII

www.thenewspaper.ca

2 the newspaper

6 March 2008

Can beer be classy?

BEER • WINGS • POOL • JAVA SPORTS • JUKEBOX • SPIRITS EVENTS • OPEN STAGE • GAMES

Mirella Amato says “yes.” It can.

By Joe Zabukobec

As university undergrads many of us probably consume vast amounts of garbage beer. It’s conventional that students flock to bars and make requests for Blue or Canadian; some might even be desperate enough to drink Coors Light.

But these days won’t last forever and soon you’ll have to become educated on the finer points of beer drinking, because they do exist. Showing up to a dinner party when you’re 35 with a sixpack of Bud Light just isn’t fashionable (unless you’re from Northern Ontario).

Alas, I know where you can get help.

Mirella Amato is a professional beer guide. She has hosted numerous tastings, been an official beer judge, and has studied beer for a number of years.

After learning last November that Mirella was bringing her tasting to Hart House, I knew I needed to speak with her about the newspaper’s annual boozepaper.

When I sat down with Mirella I found out that not so long ago she lived in a world without beer.

“I moved to Italy for a year and it’s extremely hard to find good beer there.

It was really upsetting for me, so I had to drink wine instead. I was with my family and everyone makes their own wine there, so when they ask you if you’d like some wine, you can’t exactly

tell them that you’re just going to have a beer.”

Upon returning to Canada and reacquainting herself with Ontario beer culture she decided to get serious and start up her own beer business.

For me this was ironic because when I return from a trip I usually enter a detox clinic.

Her customers will generally request a specific type or style of beer.

Mirella then creates a tasting menu and joins the party to offer her insight and expertise.

As I found out during our talk, there are both similarities and differences between tasting beer and tasting wine. I had Mirella guide me through the steps.

“Unlike wine, beer doesn’t need to breathe. So you really want to crack it open and pour it immediately. And the second crucial factor is the serving temperature, which is similar with wine.”

“You want to take a look at the beer, you want to smell it and get an idea of the nose-taste, followed up with the mouth-feel. The main difference is that at the end you don’t spit it out and the reason for this is a lot of the flavour goes straight to the back of the throat and you don’t want to miss out on that.”

Throughout the conversation Mirella kept bringing up Belgium beers from Ontario. Not thinking that a brew

the newspaper Editor-in-Chief Joe Zabukovec

Managing Editor Sean Liliani

could hold dual citizenship I became confused: how could a beer come from two places at once?

“Well, another major difference is that wine is made according to region, whereas with beer all the ingredients are movable. So, you can make a perfectly authentic Belgian beer right here in Toronto.”

However, there are style guidelines for the judging that must be met so that the panel of judges can qualify them to participate in the competition.

Mirella told me the Ontario Craft Brewers were still ‘finding themselves’ and our brewers are still heavily influenced by cultures that have a richer beer history than Ontario.

“In Ontario the main influences are British and German style beers. They’re not going for the super strong or super-hopped up flavour. You can still find them here, but generally it’s not what Ontario drinkers are looking for.

It means that they’re not as noticeable at first, but if you take the time to savour them you will find them to be quite special.”

While Mirella wouldn’t give me her favourite beer or even brewing style she admitted that she “sways towards the ales, and generally a darker beer”.

So, put the Lakeport down and walk away. Just walk away…

Serving up a good time Every time since 9T6!

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4 the newspaper

6 March 2008

Where the Fuck is This?

Photo by... we can’t even tell you!

You’ve seen it before (provided you work at the newspaper), but you just can’t put your finger on it...

If you can, e-mail the newspaper at thenewspaper@gmail.com.

First correct answer gets a beer (provided you’re of age).

the newspaper 5

6 March 2008

the judges How the twelve official judges qualified for their position Emily Burke

Jason Moretlock

Stephanie Busato

Alexandra Kazia

Lauren Greenwood

Tim Ryan

“I’ll be a solid judge because I just had a pretty rough week and a good beer is going to taste that much better.”

“Not only have I drank for years, but I’ve even read a book about it.”

“Because I’ve only ever dated athletes, and as a requirement as their girlfriend I had to know my beer. It was a requirement!”

“Because I am always right and have good taste in everything.”

“I drink a lot of beer.”

“Because I have a problem.”

Alan Osadetz

Dan Craig

Brendan Keen

Evan Jordan

Catalina Gomez

Elizabeth Hilborn

“I am a good beer judge because I have a low body fat percentage and I bench 185 Lbs.”

“Years and years of over three day benders drinking mostly beer.”

“Because I was only 13 short of completing the century club.

So close...”

“I have drank beer for 4,015 consecutive days and running.”

“Because I’m pretty much awesome and anything I like is AWESOME!!”

“Because my tastebuds are unspoiled and I am the turdburglar!”

The 18 beers on the following pages were anonymously sampled by the above alcohol aficionados .

These are their stories...

the BREWS

6 the newspaper

4

Cameron’s Lager

Cameron’s Cream Ale

“Boring and ditzy but bearable under the right circumstances.”

- Alexandra Kazia

“I had this at a bush party before I passed out.”

6.7

?

“This beer may save the world, unless I drink it all.”

- Dan Craig

“I prefer my hemp in other vessels.”

8

“Bland and easy to drink. Goes down smooth. Beer to make babies to.”

- Elizabeth Hilborn

“Not great but better than most wheat beers. Just meh.”

- Brendan Keen

Cameron’s Auburn Ale

5.7

“A great beer. All it needs is a little flavour. Ever licked an icicle?”

“Nice earthy flavour.

Should be consumed at outdoor music festivals by floral-clad hippies.”

- Jason Moretlock

- Emily Burke

“In a word: musty.

Some tree huggers may enjoy it.”

- Alexandra Kazia

- Brendan Keen

7.1

Buzz

“Tastes like a buck-a-beer to me.”

- Brendan Keen

- Stephanie Busato

“Very bright. Like sunshine.”

“Better be less than ten bucks a pitcher.”

- Evan Jordan

- Tim Ryan

KLB Raspberry Wheat

7.4

“Raspberry-licious.

Oooh yummy (how many ‘o’s are in oooh?).”

7

Cool

“I like the flavour but it has an acidic aftertaste.”

- Brendan Keen

Erdinger WeiBbier

7

“Is there alcohol in this?”

- Tim Ryan

C’est What?

6 March 2008

8

Mill St. Wit

“Looks like pee but it tastes like a much better version of Hoegaarden”

- Lauren Greenwood

- Tim Ryan

“Desserty! Has charm in small doses.”

“Citrus noted, clean tasting, I’m feeling it.

Tastes like summer on the patio.”

- Emily Burke

- Lauren Greenwood

the BREWS

6 March 2008

6.5

Golden Horseshoe

“Light and smooth.

Should be enjoyed on a nice hot summer day.”

8.2

Wellington Arkell

“Smooth, easy drinking beer that’s a league above the major domestics.”

- Brendan Keen

“Light and classy.”

- Emily Burke

Moosehead

9 “You can drink a lot of this beer and quickly. A six-pack of this should come with a funnel.”

- Alan Osadetz

“This is beer. It’s lager time.”

- Evan Jordan

- Alexandra Kazia “Why do all these beers taste like coffee? What I imagine Jackie Brown or Mario Van Peebles would taste like. It’s Sweet Sweetback’s Badassssss beer.”

- Jason Moretlock

- Elizabeth Hilborn

“Beer, prophylactics and young people is the best combo ever!”

“Dark and brooding almost emo.”

- Emily Burke

“I figured beer would start to taste better after this many but I figured wrong.”

8.9

7.5

Wellington County

“Perfect with a rich meal. The red wine of beer.”

- Stephanie Busato

Niagara’s Best Blonde

the newspaper 7

Amsterdam Blonde

6.8

- Elizabeth Hilborn

“I’m sure if you drank enough it would give you the ability to travel through time...only forward in time though.”

- Alan Osadetz

“Batman drinks this. Batman is a pimp.”

- Tim Ryan

“A good all-night beer; easy to pound. Not a lot of flavour but not offensive.”

- Jason Moretlock

Devil’s Pale Ale 666

6.9

6.5

Trailhead Lager

“My ability to form an opinion is waning but yeah, sure, tastes great.”

- Emily Burke

the newspaper brew

10+

* “Bitter, funky aftertaste. Not so bad.”

- Alexandra Kazia

“Smooth, feels butterscotch coated...

AWESOME.” - Evan Jordan

“Too harsh on the tastebuds. It tricks you because it smells really good.”

- Stephanie Busato * Pour miscellaneous beer remnants into flavoured condom, shake and serve.

8 the newspaper

Illustration by Yoojin Guak

6 March 2008

the jock talk

STOP IN AT H&R BLOCK

by Alan Osadetz

Whiskey Dick

It could happen to you.

Put yourself in this situation: it’s Saturday night. After one of the greatest bicep workouts of your life you head out to the bar to celebrate and put those superbly pumped up muscles into action. You’ve had a few, you’re stumbling, and your vision is blurred. You’re unsure if you’ve become separated from your friends or if you even arrived at that particular bar with anyone at all; you simply don’t remember, and you don’t care.

This is you at your best, you’re in the zone, you remembered to bring your fake detective agency business cards, and ladies are eyeing up your pecs and biceps just as though you were a super-sassed up mix between Mel Gibson and Val Kilmer.

One thing leads to another and next thing you know you’re at home with your special lady for the night. She’s hot, or at least you’re drunk enough to pretend that she is. However, you just cannot seem to get the rock hard Woodrow Wilson that you could so easily obtain were you in a sober state. You curse the fact that you drank so much, and reminisce about all the times you got a boner for no reason at all during Physics class and then proceeded to your next class with it tenting out of your jeans. All the while withholding laughter as passers-by attempted to nonchalantly avert their gaze and convince themselves they didn’t just see a fully grown 23 year old walking around in public with a boner. Every April fools I wear sweatpants to class. Oh man,

good times.

Where was I? Oh right – you’re in bed with a chick and your dick is as capable of pleasuring her as a Valentine’s Day trip to a monster truck rally. If she’s a caring nurturer, or drunk enough, she may join you in the fight for the cure, (mostly with her mouth and hands) but her efforts will be for nothing, and she’ll keep going until one of you passes out (or her boyfriend finishes work and calls her… or your grandma walks in).

Numerous medical studies have been done on this debilitating condition. The most effective preventative measure is to keep your weight up to increase alcohol tolerance: this means a high protein diet along with plenty of military presses and dead lifts. You could try drinking less, but that may have an effect on your charming and lying abilities.

In the end, hitting the gym is what’s important. Also, walking around with your Jack Johnson protruding through your pants will help you with your confidence and man, it’s fucking funny.

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come in today or call 1-800-HRBLOCK (472-5625) www.hrblock.ca To qualify for student pricing, student must present either (i) a T2202a documenting 4 or more months of full-time attendance at a college or university during 2007 or (ii) a valid high school identification card. Expires July 31, 2008. Must also qualify for Instant Cash Back and Cash Back products. See office for details. Valid only at participating H&R Block locations in Canada. SPC Card offers valid from 08/01/07 to 07/31/08 at participating locations in Canada only. For Cardholder only. Offers may vary, restrictions may apply. Usage may be restricted when used in conjunction with any other offer or retailer loyalty card discounts. Cannot be used towards the purchase of gift cards or certificates.

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10 the newspaper

6 March 2008

the science Timothy Ryan tells you how to brew your own What a wonderful time of year we have embarked on: the annual boozepaper. the newspaper office becomes filled with a plethora of beer cases while taking on the wonderful (or disgusting depending on who you ask) aroma of empty beer bottles. The office becomes a busier place with daily beer deliveries and the occasional passer-by looking for a couple ‘on the house’.

It’s a time to rejoice beer, so why not take a few minutes to learn the science behind how it is made.

The process begins by steeping barley kernels at temperatures up to 110 Celsius allowing them to germinate. This is done until the kernels are dry; the higher the temperature the more that the roasted, toffeelike flavours permeate the final product. The dry kernels

are then ‘mashed’ in hot water, allowing the barley enzymes to convert the plants’ starch into sugars, giving the beer its sweetness.

The barley kernels are then removed from the mash, leaving behind the wort, to which hops are added. Hops are another plant whose fruit hold alpha acids. When the wort and hops are boiled, these alpha acids are released and the heat changes their chemical composition, turning them into iso-alpha acids. It is these compounds that make beer bitter. The more hops added, the more manly the beer becomes. The hops also have very aromatic oils, but these do not survive the boil, thus many beer-makers add additional hops at the end of the brew (especially in ales).

Drinking the wort will not

by Timothy Ryan

make your friends funnier. For that yeast is added and as it grows, it consumes the sugars provided by the barley. The end-products of yeast metabolism just happen to be ethanol and carbon dioxide. What are the chances?

The ethanol provides a warming sensation on the tongue (like the burning of a shot of vodka) while the carbon dioxide interacts with pain receptors on your tongue, giving the beer its bite.

After fermentation, the beer is filtered, further carbonated and finally bottled. Breweries often use dark bottles to avoid sunlight which catalyzes reactions in the beer, making it taste like vinegar.

Enjoy reading this issue, and practice your beer drinking.

After all, St. Patty’s Day is this Monday.

CALL FOR EDITORS the newspaper will be holding its annual editorial staff elections on Monday April 7, 2008

OPEN POSITIONS: Arts Editor News Editor These are paid positions.Each requires a time commitment of approximately 20 hours per week.

Anyone who has contributed three pieces this year has a vote and should be present on voting day to elect next year’s editors.

We welcome all hopefuls and look forward to seeing you all on voting day.

How else could Maya juggle r biology exams to helping make the zillion things she does, from molecula yourself in her, which makes you the world a better place? Maybe you see ce Award. It’s a scholarship a great candidate for the Millennium Excellen opportunities for students who worth up to $10,000 plus unique learning and innovators in their leaders also but s, achiever academic are not only as you are to learn, let us know. communities. So if you’re as driven to lead

You’d swear she were two people.

the newspaper 11

6 March 2008

the boozepaper experience: An anthropologist on Saturn

By Matthew Pope

I don’t drink. Period. To some people, that makes me a ‘teetotaler’. In reality, I just have a severe allergy to alcohol; whenever I drink, I break out in handcuffs. Given my situation, it seemed there would be nothing for me to do for this week’s issue: the beloved annual boozepaper.

However, that flies in the face of what the boozepaper is about. the boozepaper is orchestrated to bring the entire the newspaper community together, and I fervently believe that I can still have a great time without being shit-faced (hell, anyone who knows me knows that I’m

twice as crazy as your average drunk when I’m stone sober).

So, what can I contribute? My gonzo-esque outsider’s tale of the boozepaper tasting night.

I arrived about 50 minutes into the official tasting, and already there is a friendly and almost tangibly jovial vibe in the pressroom. Approximately 15 people are set out around a semi-circle desk with record sheets in front of them. Our editors captain the event: one floats around the perimeter socializing while the other shepherds the candidates in waves for tasting. It is hard to discern what the system is for grading the brews, but I trust it’s in place.

As is always inevitable at drinking events, my legitimacy was called into question, sooner than usual. After a half-joking complaint about the chips being all gone already, I got the “you’re not even drinking!” attack. Because, since I choose not to imbibe, I am not entitled to any of the benefits of the event, right? Well, that’s a load of crap, so I inform them of that and the night moves on. Now that that’s out of the way, I can have some fun.

I blend in unusually well with the crowd tonight. Being an uninhibited weirdo, I find that I fit in more (or stand out less) as people become intoxicated.

I wish I could report some

distinct phenomenon that would be unique to this event, but the night went like any other of its kind, filled with bad jokes, random music and drinking games. Like a locomotive gaining steam, the momentum of the party progresses inevitably to its frantic and visceral climax when someone/something goes too far. In this case, it was moderate abuse of privilege and a drunk’s mess that resulted in the awkward dénouement.

After that, the evening settled in and settled down. I felt very much at home and proved that, not only can I have fun as a teetotaler, but that I am not more alone at a party than I choose to

make myself.

As one man said, with a hint of facetiousness, “you picked a great night for your anthropological piece here”.

This party was a microcosmic example of so many that I’ve seen, and even more restrained, friendly and professional than most. Alcohol consumed in quantities like that saturates everyone and everything (literally and metaphorically). Even if you aren’t crazy like me, the proximity buzz touches everyone and feeds on itself. I even think someone left me a piece of their hangover, because I felt a bit off the next day.

Cheers.

“What this campus needs is a pub!”

Referring to UBC, David Suzuki makes a statement that is applicable to UofT

By Evan Jordan

The first thing I asked after transferring to U of T: where can I get a drink around here?

The general response seemed to be a slack-jawed indifference. I was in shock. What kind of campus doesn’t have a pub?

I was pointed in the direction of College St. places like Einstein’s, Molly Bloom’s and O’Grady’s.

Decent establishments, but they’re across the borders of campus and foster the kind of environment appropriate for serving the Spadina Street drunks their 11 AM pints. Next I was told to venture north to the Annex, rife with bars and pubs; from the Madison and the Brunny to Paupers and The Tap. These are bars, but now I am not even near campus. Though there is a Varsity jock connection to the Ye Olde Brunswick House, these places are the sweaty armpits of an upper-middle class residential neighbourhood.

These are not the accessible student-run and operated pubs that can, and do, function at other schools as centres for nightlife, supported and supervised by university and student administrations.

After my first day of orientation at the University of British Columbia finished, the pizza and pop gone, my group of peers was approached by a number of senior students.

They were from a variety of legitimate student organizations and groups promoting their events and fundraisers at The Pit, a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building with a capacity of a few hundred, staffed entirely by the student population and catering solely to student

union sponsored events. I know the routine line: who cares if there’s no UofT bar, it’s Toronto and there are a million bars. Firstly, a place like The Pit, in stark contrast to the Brunny, is not run by a group of sleazy, profiteering entrepreneurs and staffed by bouncers infamous for kicking the crap out of anyone and everyone (stories abound of customers literally flying out the door and over the curb into the street). The bar was founded by a UBC zoology prof., David Suzuki (of Nature of Things fame), who thought it was outrageous that

students did not have a social atmosphere where they could relax and discuss life with fellow students and professors over a pint.

In 1968, he famously declared “What this campus needs is a pub!” There was unanimous support from the student body and then President, David Zernhelt (who later became the Minister of Forests).

After five years of temporary lodgings during construction, The Pit officially opened in its current location in the SUB in 1973, where it has been offering affordable beer

($2.50 sleeves) to a student community ever since.

All patrons are carded for Government and student ID. And so, on my first night 5000 kilometers away from home, I went with a group of kids from my res and we drank beer and watched pre-season hockey.

Afterwards a student band got up and rocked the house for few hours, and though they were terrible and their singer was tone deaf, it felt like we were at college.

I know, technically we have the GSU and the Arbor Room. The Arbor Room is an exaggerated

Remember when this campus was fun? Neither do we. This picture is from a long time ago.

cafeteria with beer, open mainly during the day.

As for the GSU, what about the fifty thousand undergrads? Admit it, the St. George campus has no community; it’s factional and compartmentalized. The students are disconnected commuters and outsiders; this school has become a nine-to-five job.

Who knows what UTSU is doing with their million dollar budget, or what the university will do with the 25 million bucks it gets from selling off the Dunlap Observatory. I for one think, “What this campus needs is a pub!”.

BACKPAGE

12 the newspaper

Serving Up Sex

6 March 2008

the newspaper talks tips as two College Street servers have a battle of the sexes

Friendly faces and a little extra cash in my pocket at the end of the night. Also, discovering there is no vomit in/on/around/above/on top of/behind the toilet is always a bonus.

1. Describe a ‘good night’ for a bartender.

Thighs, cleavages, jager, jack and twenty percent.

Other than flirting shamelessly? Looking a person right in the eye when you greet them. It reminds them that you’re a human being with a life and bills to pay and not some strange human-shaped serving machine.

2. What is the number one thing you can do to ensure good tips?

Fill shaker with neon and fruity liquers, bar mix and vodka, shake, pour, shoot and repeat.

I’m sorry, there is a three-drink minimum for that information.

3. What is the sleaziest thing you’ve ever done on the job?

I think her name was Steffy. Might have been Suzy though.

If a patron wants to wait til 4am after I’ve cleaned the whole bar and I smell like a beer-battered rag, then frankly, they’ve earned it.

4. Have you ever gone home with a patron?

I prefer to keep my relations within the workplace.

You know, like in the bathroom stalls or on the bar after the doors are locked.

Yeah, and he lost part of his finger. Sorry, Bobby.

5. Have you every dated a patron? How did that work out?

Julie sat on the patio and drank Stella. We went for dinner at Langolino’s and she ended up calling in sick to work for the next two days. The relationship ended after Julie was my date at my sister’s wedding.

I moved to Vancouver three days later and when I got back she was a mommy (not my kid).

I think the dudes have it tougher. They’ve got to flex and flirt a lot more than their female counterparts, which can lead to shattered hopes and awkward goodbyes.

6. Is it easier or harder for bartenders of the opposite gender to make good tips?

Why?

I’ll give this one to Lauren. On average men still have a higher income and try harder to impress their dates and buddies with tipping. But I get goosed and tipped like nobody’s business (yeah, cougars!).

Of course. See you tonight, Joe.

7. Will you give me, Joe Zabukovec, a free drink next time I come?

Chianti and a Jamie with an ice cube.