Issue 4 - September 18 2003

the newspaper

18 September 2003 Vol. XXVI No. 4

U of T’s Independent Weekly

on the inside • Film Festival Coverage • SAC and Birth Control • New Comics the newspaper asks: Love advice for the rotund Romeo

Jack Black’s School of Talk by Edward Gebbie FAT MAN BUREAU

Who should you vote for in the election? PAGE 4

the newspaper asks:

Do you want to see School of Rock? DROP BY OUR OFFICE FOR FREE TICKETS. WE HAVE HUNDREDS.

Ah, the press game. I’ll admit it: I was excited to get the chance to interview Jack Black. He’s one of the few comedians around who has an individual viewpoint, and his manic jerkiness has always appealed to the newspaper. Boy, was I ever looking forward to sinking my teeth into old Jack. “the newspaper vs.” would take on a whole new meaning once we let one of the most combustible performers of our time loose on this poor scribe. Man, it was gonna be bloody. So while I wasn’t shocked to find myself surrounded by fellow journalissimos, what followed was a suprise. After the fawning applause which accompanied Black’s entrance, we were treated to our audience with the great man. Jack Black looks better in person, with warm eyes and a surprisingly gentle demeanor. He handled our questions deftly and with good humour, never raising his voice and swearing often. While he rarely diverted his gaze from the middle distance (except when this reporter called him “hefty” — more later), he charmed the room. Maybe that’s the problem. Immediately, my cohorts began lobbying the easy questions at him: did you like working with Richard Linklater?

(yes!) Is it fun working with kids? (yes!). I grit my teeth and began my pursuit. On the subject of Rock, Black is an avowed expert. He’s listening to Radiohead, The White Stripes, and Queens Of The Stone Age while waiting for the new Strokes record, if you’re interested. But when asked if his band Tenacious D is just a collection of signifiers, devoid of any real Rock, Black admits: “We’re sincere, kind of. I tried to Rock sincerely in high school, and it was a miserable failure. Kyle and I discovered the secret was not to take it too seriously. We can embrace the Rock, and still make fun of it.” As for the music in the film, “if I’m playing or singing it, I wanna make sure there’s lots of ball sweat” he proclaimed, quietly. To educate the spoiled private school kids in the film, Black’s character Dewey turns to the classics: Yes, Pink Floyd and the mighty Led Zeppelin. Convincing the aging CockRockers to release the rights to their songs was hard work. The filmmakers had to film a special section aimed at convincing The Zep, featuring thousands of extras and a direct appeal from Jack Black. “We had to grovel to Zeppelin, the Gods of Rock” he says, “just to let them let us pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars”. Co-star and screenwriter Mike White didn’t disappoint the star with his lyrics. Black has

“if I’m playing or singing it, I wanna make sure there’s lots of ball sweat”

Jack Black, less talk more rock. high praise for his friend and colleague: “I find him fascinating. He wrote [this film] for me. That’s like the Coen Brothers calling me up to be Barton Fink Two.” For his next project, Black says: “Hopefully Mike will do something for me - he’s got the rare thing where he writes characters you’ve never, ever seen before, and it still has a little subversive spice.” That said, Black “realizes I can’t do my Party Animal Dude much

PHOTO COURTESY OF PARAMOUNT PICTURES

longer,” though he doesn’t plan what he does next. And what else? Does Jack Black have any love advice for the heftier gentleman? For the first time during our roundtable, the star turns to look a reporter in the eye. “Not necessarily for the heftier gentlemen, but here it is: don’t go on dates. Dates are death, for me, anyway. As soon as you set a date with someone, from that time until the date itself, you ruin any pos-

sibility of a good date by practicing what your going to say, what you’re going to wear, what you going to fucking go eat, ruining everything.” His eyes narrowing, he continues, “I say you should call whoever you want to go out with and say ‘hey, it’s me, what are you doing right now? Laundry? Oh, can I come? I’ve got a load!’ then you can be yourself, because you don’t have time to stress.” Good advice.

the news in brief

The Varsity hosts debate The Varsity, SAC, the GSU

and Hart House held a debate for the candidates in Trinity Spadina Tuesday night. It was designed for the three main contenders, Conservative Helena Guergis, NDP Rosario Marchese, and Liberal Nellie Pedro. Before the debate started, independent candidate Nick Lin interrupted the proceedings asking that he be added to the panel so that he could express himself. After some confrontation with moderator Andrew Lefoley, he and Green Party candidate Greg Laxner were allowed to join the table. Attendence was close to 130--standing room only for the East Common Room, where the debate was held. For coverage of the best quotes and some basic platform information, see page 4. the newspaper would like to say thanks to The Varsity for organizing the event and allowing us to ask questions.

Law students protest high fees

Protest draws crowd of over a hundred by Jeremy Rusinek

POOR LAWYER BUREAU

“Tuition hikes are not a done deal,” U of T law students claimed at rally yesterday. Approximately 125 students, faculty, alumni, and supporters demonstrated in front of Flavelle House against rising tuition rates in the law faculty. Speakers represented the U of T community and political candidates for Trinity-Spadina in the provincial election. The Faculty of Law is currently in the middle of a fiveyear plan to raise tuition fees from 2002 rates of $14,000 to $22,000. The rationale is to compete on the same level with prestigious American law schools for top professors and students. Those opposed to the plan

filling the hours

claim rising fees will limit accessibility to lower and middle income students as well as limit job choice for graduates. Increases to student aid over the past seven years are 45% less than increases in tuition rates. Graduates from U of T’s law school are more likely to get job’s in the corporate as opposed to the lower paying public sector to cope with enormous student debt, said the demonstrators. Last year Provost Shirley Neuman released a report claiming students would be unaffected by tuition hikes. Her methodology was heavily criticized by students and others. Kathy Laird from the Association of Community Legal Clinics of Ontario and a U of T alumnus claims that, “The Provost’s study was manifestly dishonest.” Other speakers at the rally

included U of T law students Joshua Patterson and Robin Rix, political candidates Rosario Marchese and Nellie Pedro, plus faculty member Professor Hudson Janisch. Professor Janisch said the faculty mainly supports the tuition hike out of “high self-interest” and that Canadian legal education should not be rated on an American scale that defines excellence as high personal income of its graduates but instead on the basis of “distinctively Canadian communitarian ideals.” Mandate for Public Interest Law, a student organization, intends to put pressure on Governing Council members to not approve future fee increases and to lobby politicians to reregulate tuition fees in technical programs.

“TUITION HIKES ARE NOT A DONE DEAL” Trinity College Cake Fight

the newspaper’s guide to spending your time

Have A Nice Day Thursday, September 18th (Tonight), 99 Blue Jay Way. The

Toronto Online Film Festival runs until Friday, chock full of indie goodness. Go check out Alan Compton’s debut, Have A Nice Day, reviewed inside. With a budget under $3,000, it’s the cheapest film ever made. That should be enough to earn your support, but if not, rest assured: it’s good, too. Get out there and do something decent for the community, you parasites.

The Darkness with The Illuminati Saturday, September 20th at Lee’s Palace. While we here at the

newspaper are a little wary of this metal revival, you really can’t complain about The Darkness. They’re not fooling anyone, or even trying to. This is balls to the wall rock of the AC/DC, Def Leppard variety: silly as hell, and not going to take it anymore. Plus, they’re British, which means they can do that “dissolute metalhead boozer”

shtick better than any colonials. Can you imagine the cleaning bills on all those unitards? Oh, and the Illuminati rock, too. I don’t know if this is up everybody’s alley - or even mine - but it’s better than spending the evening swaying to sob-rock, isn’t it?

Michael Bliss Thurday, 25 September, Hart House Library. So maybe The

Darkness aren’t for everybody. How about some infectious disease and local academia? Resident genuis Michael Bliss kicks out the jams at the U of T Bookstore reading series as he reads from his recent book Plague: How Smallpox Devastated Montreal. Enjoy yourself, but please, no coughing.

GoldFrapp Tuesday, September 23th, The Opera House. For a few moments at the turn of the Century, GoldFrapp were big news. Now, not so much. Maybe it’s because they’ve altered their approach, meaning less dreamy electronica, more disco breakin’. This is authentic dance music for grown-ups.

PHOTO BY STEPHEN HAY

The Trinity College Cake fight is an initiation ritual unlike any other at U of T. First and second year students are pitted against each other as first years attempt entry into the Quadrangle to place a “cake” (Blessed by the Bishop of the Un-Anglican Affairs Committee, UAAC) on the sundial, while second years try to keep them out. Third years are above the action on scaffolding where they pour swill on top of everyone—this year’s was made of weeks old beer, flour, vinegar, and other undisclosed substances. This year’s fight was messy, but the first years won. After the Cake Fight, everyone goes to clean up in the water fountain at Queen’s Park.

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the newspaper

the editorial

Where have all the Johnny’s gone? You may have heard: John Ritter died last week. And we here at the newspaper just wanted to say goodbye. Because John Ritter was more than a country singer, he was a country Legend. His songs, like “Ring Of Fire,” “A Boy Named Sue,” and “Walk The Line” defined country and folk music for more than a generation. It may be a cliché, but in some way, Ritter embodied America. The good one. The one where a man could stand up for what he believes in, no matter how unpopular that view might be; the one where you took responsibility for your mistakes, and crawled back up with only your guitar in hand. Ritter sang songs about the common man, the real people, you and me. His songs Country legend Johnny Cash continue to inspire and speak to young people all over the world. John Ritter will be remembered as not just a simple man with a few songs and an old beat up guitar, but as the voice of a way of life; the men in black, those shunned by the rest of society can forever gather under his banners of song and stand up for what’s right. the newspaper bids adieu to the Man In Black whose hurt inspired us all. Our condolences to all the family, relatives and fans of John Ritter (1932-2003) [We know. We’re sorry. We love you, Johnny. -ed.]

18 September 2003

500 words each

The new Sun Life SAC health plan for undergraduates includes $120 of coverage per year for oral contraceptives. In other universities that cover birth control, it is the most widely prescribed medication.

Should the SAC health care plan cover the costs of oral contraceptives? —YES— by Tiffanie Ing “They’re going to do it anyway.” That’s the phrase most uttered by high school parents and teachers. And heck, why not? Away at university, free of that watchful parental eye, the number of students having sex is at preposterous levels. So why not save a few bucks and let them have their fun without worry? Oral contraceptives are currently the most prescribed drugs at other universities with health plans that cover them; nurses and doctors at the Health Centre often comment that half their patients are women looking to get a prescription for birth control. There is clearly a need for coverage. While religious groups may say that this health plan is only increasing the ease of premarital sex, the truth of the matter is that SAC’s health plan is financed by students, and exists for students. Covering oral contraceptives is a service, and just that. The plan is not forcing students to fornicate, but simply allowing adults to decide whether they wish to have children. And here’s the best part for students: the new health plan does not cost any more than the previous one, so no students are paying more for something that they might oppose. The current cost of one month’s supply of “the pill” is seven dollars at the Health Centre—not unreasonable, but a cost that amounts to $84/year. Compared to the “Free! Take one!” condoms floating around both the Sexual Education and

Peer Counseling Centre (SEC) and the Health Centre, this cost is sky-high. Men don’t have to pay for their contraception plans, so why should women? Men already have an advantage in sexual relations, since they are never going to get pregnant. There are fewer consequences for men. A woman who chooses to have sex must think about contraception and safe sex. No matter how responsible a man is, accidents do happen, and a women’s ability to use oral contraception protects her from these accidents. Sadly, the new health plan does not go far enough. Coverage should also include Emergency Contraceptive Pills (ECPs), or the Morning After Pill. If an accident happened, or forced intercourse occurred, coverage should be extended to a guiltless woman who has more to worry about than where to get the cash for medical supplies. The cost of an unwanted pregnancy is much higher than the few dollars that we pay every year to SAC. Saving a woman the choice of an abortion or child-rearing is one of the best uses for our health plan, and one that should have been added years ago. Women should be allowed as much freedom as men in their sexual lives. And equality with men means they should not have to get out their chequebooks to pay for contraception. It doesn’t matter whether or not a woman chooses to engage in sexual activity; the point is, with this new health plan, she has a choice.

—NO— By Enyonam Harlley Recently, SAC switched its health and dental plan from Maritime Life Assurance to Sun Life. For the most part, the coverage is the same, with one essential difference: the new policy pays for oral contraceptives. The many SAC students who have religious or moral objections to birth control are forced to subsidize the cost of it. Some women find oral contraceptives are the only effective treatment for fairly serious medical problems. It is important not to confuse contraceptives prescribed to treat health problems with those prescribed for the purposes of birth control—although no distinction is made in Sun Life’s policy. Birth control pills are not medically necessary. Unplanned or unwanted pregnancy is not a disease. Where are the health plan’s priorities? It’s been three years since vision benefits were offered by SAC’s insurance plan since a student referendum voted against continuing it, even though eyeglasses are far more necessary for a university education than oral contraceptives. Not all women choose oral contraceptives. Some feel condoms provide enough protection, women in same-sex relationships don’t need them, and neither do women who are celibate. Some feel side effects like weight gain just aren’t worth the effort. Should they have to pay for women who choose this method of birth control? Since contraceptives are a choice rather than a necessity, clearly,

no. The university gives the issue for birth control all the recognition it needs by offering oral contraceptives at cost through Health Services for $7.00 a month. In developing countries, the free dissemination of contraceptives serves an important purpose. Skyrocketing population growth, poverty and lack of education lead to starvation, rampant disease, and overpopulation because of insufficient resources. But Canada doesn’t face those problems: our birth rate is at a standstill. Arguments that the pill promotes gender equality (guys can get condoms for free) don’t hold water. If it seems unfair to any woman that she should have to pay $84 a year to avoid a pregnancy that could seriously damage her academic career, here’s a novel solution: get your partner to pay for half the cost. Plus, free condoms help prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS and other serious STD’s. Birth control can be a complicated issue. Objections are normally rooted in religion. The chance you take of becoming pregnant should be left to the will of your deity, some argue. Unlike more controversial issues like abortion, there are few anti-birth control activists around the university attempting to stop other people from using contraceptives. However, those who make a moral decision to forego birth control have a valid objection when they are forced to financially support contraceptives on campus. If you object to birth control, you shouldn’t have to pay.

Campus Comment We asked you...

1 Spadina: “Just Petty”

the newspaper Established 1978 formerly The Independent Weekly formerly the newspaper

Who are you voting for in the provincial election? Chiara, Classics Selma, Math

Editors Edward Gebbie, Matthew Gloyd, & Peter Josselyn Associate Editors Brenda Cromb, Katie A. Szymanski, & Dora Zhang Board of Directors Rachel Bokhout Photo Editor Mark Coatsworth Contributors Andrew Covert, Rosena Fung, Katarina Gligorijevic, Josh Gurfinkel, Enyonan Harlley, Stephen Hay, Tiffanie Ing, Thomas Jankowski, Dave Kemp, Jason Kieffer, Nick Maandag, Morgon Mills, Stephen Notley, Rich Platel, Jeremy Rusinek, Graham F. Scott, Brent Wilson, Emily Wood. the newspaper is the University of Toronto’s community paper and is published weekly by Planet Publications Inc., a non-profit corporation. Contributions and letters are welcome from all U of T community. Writers old and new can drop by our office every Thursday at 4:30 for story assignments and idle chit-chat. 1 Spadina Crescent, Suite 245 Toronto, Ontario M5S 1A1 www.thenewspaper.ca

editorial: 416.593.1552 advertising: 416.593.1559 fax: 416.593.0552 thenewspaper@thenewspaper.ca

I’m apolitical

NDP for sure. They’re the only ones that make any sense

Nicole, Fine Arts Rosario, candidate

Anyone but Ernie Eves

I will vote for Rosario Marchese. I think he deserves my vote

Jennifer, History & Art Liberal, because I want to become a teacher, and they don’t hate us

Sarah, English I am undecided

Matt, Opera George Smitherman, Liberal. Because Ernie Eves is a fucking asshole, and he insults the competition

Tamara, Art History & English I’m an American. I don’t know anything about Canadian politics, and I’m voting for what my sister wants.

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18 September 2003

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the mail Thanks for the roundup of U of T building this past week, I had no idea that the deferred maintenance issue was such a big one. I was simultaneously alarmed and amused by ViceProvost Space and Facilities Prof. Ron Venter’s comment: “If a new building is added to the inventory, we have an increased percentage of our space in better condition.” This is the statistical equivalent of reducing the murder rate by increasing the immigration rate! I very much hope that U of T’s plan to deal with building maintenance is not to simply keep adding new buildings and hope for the best. —Daniel Wigdor

In Defence of SAC

Re: Students Want VP Artful-

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Dodger Gone (11 Sept. 2003)

U of T Math

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I am writing to clarify the piece written in the past edition of the newspaper. I would like to point out that in disqualifying candidate John Lea in April 2003, the SAC board of directors did not “appoint a successor” in Alex Artful-Dodger. Our board, which is our highest decision making body (which is allowed to overturn decisions made by the Elections Committee) decided through debate and arguments from both sides that Mr. Lea should be disqualified for dirty campaign tactics that he employed throughout the election. This was neither partisan nor elitist, but something the Elections Code demanded. The SAC Elections Code clearly states that the runner-up is entitled to claim the position should the first-place candidate be disqualified. There was even

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a motion brought to the floor to any concrete proposals from critI have watched Ms. Artand alienating, and it creates have Ms. Artful-Dodger disquali- ics of the process about how to ful-Dodger work long hours to deep animosities that will make fied, but it failed, with many improve the process which they prepare the SAC budget, talk working together for the rest of members arguing that we would dislike so much. to our lawyers, and manage the the year next to impossible. The �� be severely disabled as a council Furthermore, the business truth is we’re only here for one �� staff. Vice-president operations �� should we be without a viceof�� SAC would grind to a halt is not an easy job, and it’s not a year – just long enough to do �� president operations and chief without another executive nice one either. something good, or to filibusfinancial officer. member (we �� already don’t have Instead of working with such ourselves with procedural � �� ter �� In my opinion, the move to a vice-president student life hatred and anger towards each wrangling. �� spend hours trying to�� collect and our vice-president UTM �� other, �� I would rather see student �� I have watched too many �� signatures is not in students’ resigned) and especially one that leaders across campus work SAC administrations leave with �� best interests. Removing is so important and who is curtogether to come to�� a solution to �� nothing to show. I say, for the ��the �� vice-president operations rently deeply involved with our resolve this situation and show sake of all U of T Students, �� does not change the “procedure that health and dental plan fiasco to our constituents that we are it’s time to move on and worry was fundamentally flawed,” we (read: lawsuit still pending) and actually doing something to about the future, not the past. �� only remove the individual, and a grievance investigation dealimprove the way this university —Howard Tam the Elections Code remains the ing with one of our former staff functions. SAC Vice-President University same. To date, I have not seen members. A recall referendum is harsh Affairs

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The Trinity-Spadina candidate round-up NOTES FROM THE DEBATE AT HART HOUSE 17 SEPTEMBER by Peter Josselyn

Party & Leader Web site Promises to...

Helena Guergis

Nick Lin

Greg Laxton

Rosario Marchese

Nellie Pedro

Progressive Conservative, Ernie Eves

Independent

Green Party, Frank de Jong

New Democratic Party, Howard Hampton

Liberal, Dalton McGuinty

www.ontariopc.on.ca

renewontario@yahoo.ca

www.greenparty.on.ca

www.publicpower.on.ca

www.ontarioliberal.on.ca

—further cut taxes

—make education a right from primary to post-secondary levels through enabling legislation

—replace our first past the post voting system with a proportional representation system

—10% tuition cut

—promote a cultural life in the city so that Toronto treats its most vulnerable citizens with dignity

—decrease tuition until it is free

—increase the funding of transit so that the province provides 75% of funding

—give a tax break to caregivers —Support a made for Ontario immigration system that keeps criminals and terrorists out —Banning labour strikes in schools so that students will not have interruptions in their education

Best Lines

—charge businesses for hiring students to finance postsecondary education

Shoes

—Rent controls —increase taxes for corporations and high income earners.

—U of T invests $4.5 billion into Toronto each year. Reinvest some of that money into the university.

—Public hydro and auto insurance

—attack the “criminalization of dissent”

—”Tax reversals and tax increases are the same thing”

—”Let’s all together end political marginalization”

—”Public education is a public good”

—”Students will eventually get jobs where they will pay too much tax”

—Interrupting the debate to make sure that he and Greg Laxton had seats

—”Register to vote, and please vote, even if it’s not for me” —”First past the post is a terribly flawed system and puts most of your votes in the garbage can or the recycling bin hopefully”

Debate ranking

—$8 minimum wage

—”$10 Billion in tax cuts have devastated our social infrastructure” —”This university [U of T] thinks it’s okay to charge $17,000 [for law tuition] because it will attract great minds. It’s an insanity. “

—”Next to red, green is my favourite colour” —”We need a representative at Queen’s Park who will take the interests first and foremost of Trinity-Spadina and who will be there in a government position.”

—”We need rent control to protect the 3.3 million tenants of Ontario”

—”I sold Tupperware during university”

Generally hated, but deserved high ranking for even showing up to a crowd that was so hostile.

Uninspiring. Runs as an independent, but we all know that he’s affiliated with the Marxist-Leninist Party.

A good showing that made some people think about where to put their throwaway vote.

Won on charisma and had the most resonance with the audience. But watch for the tricky math.

Lacklustre performance included telling the audience about selling Tupperware to pay her way through college.

“These shoes are made for walkin” black, shiny high heels

Clunky and black. Utilitarian.

Black dress shoes that look like they come out of the closet only a few times a year

Reddish Italian style dress shoes

Brown

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October 8, 2003 Last day for registering for on-line applications October 15, 2003 Application deadline

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November 3, 2003 Application deadline first-year May 3, 2004 Application deadline upper years

TEAS www.ouac.on.ca/teas/ Teacher Education Application Service

December 1, 2003 Application deadline

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ORPAS www.ouac.on.ca/orpas/ Ontario Rehabilitation Sciences Programs Application Service

(Audiology, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy/ Physiotherapy, Speech-Language Pathology) January 15, 2004 Application deadline

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Fashion Quarterly:

Candidates debate

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

The candidates debate at Hart House: (left to right) Nick Lin, Greg Laxner, Helena Guergis, Rosario Marchese, and Nellie Pedro.

Where do students living in residence vote?

According to Trinity-Spadina Returning Officer Lesley Singer, students in residence must vote in the location where they intend to live. Therefore, for students who have their permanent address with their parents, they must vote at home, she said. For those who consider Trinity-Spadina their permanent address, they may vote here. For voters who are not on the list, they must visit the Returning Office at 295 College St. with something that identifies them as living within the riding. It may be a bill or a lease, but there must be something with a signature, she said. Voters may also arrive at polling stations the day of elections to sign up to vote. For those who will vote in other ridings, they must arrange for proxy votes. Details can be found at the Ontario Elections web site www.electionsontario.on.ca where applications for proxy votes can be downloaded. For more information, contact the Returning Officer at (416) 921-3600.

by Graham F. Scott Looking at FQ magazine, I was reminded of the advice my mother gave me in case I was ever confronted with, and expected to praise, an ugly baby. If no other compliments spring to mind, the rule is to say “Hmm. Big, isn’t he?” In terms of sheer square footage, FQ is the biggest magazine I have ever encountered. Doing some back-of-the-envelope calculations (each page is 11 by 17 inches, the beast is 114 pages long, it’s been 5 years since I took a math class…) FQ is roughly 150 square feet of glossy, beautiful wastefulness. The Premiere Issue of FQ—I assume the initials stand for Fashion Quarterly, in some unearned attempt to poach GQ’s good name, although the origin of the letters FQ are never revealed—arrived free on my doorstep one morning, shoehorned into the Globe and Mail. I would have been just as excited if it had turned out to be an issue of, say, Ferrets Quarterly, but the image of a sixteenfoot tall woman on the front cover wearing a dress which appeared to be made of zebra pelts and the skin of an otter that had died violently in an oil slick quickly dispelled that notion. Clearly this was A Fashionable Publication. That, and Jeanne Beker’s name appeared on the front cover. Beker will be best known to most people as the Muppetlike suck-up artist who reports on fashion for CityTV here in Toronto. She apparently took a break from making kissy-faces at Tom Ford and Stella McCartney

long enough to bang out several articles for FQ. Turns out, on closer inspection, that she is Editor-In-Chief of the damn thing. Beker appears to be mutating into a one-woman sweatshop of fashion review, churning out a magazine and a television show, both full of deeply meaningless commentary on the rags ‘n’ stinkwater business. Fashion magazines are increasingly beyond parody. People in the fashion business apparently take their work very seriously, but it’s hard to see why. Haute Couture clothing simply looks goofy. On page 74 there is a picture from a Dior show. The model is wearing a newsboy cap which covers her right eye for some reason, a bulletproof-looking corset with vulgar pink flowers silkscreened onto it, and a large toxic-green skirt which resembles an overgrown savoy cabbage. For some reason she has dirt smeared on her arms. I think these factors may account for her murderous, Manson-familyish expression. On the other hand, she was probably paid $7 million for two hours’ work and all the celery she could eat. A model on page 77 looks like she is fending off a monster which has escaped from the set of Dr. Who and attached itself to her shoulders. So FQ might stand for “Feeling Queasy,” or perhaps, since Elton John and Joan Rivers appear on page 32, “Flamboyant Queens,” or to sum up the whole fashion world, “Futile Quagmire.” But I’ve grown bored with FQ already, so I guess I’m just a Fashion Quitter.

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Why is Lars von Trier such a jerk?

The Five Obstructions reviewed by Katarina Gligorijebic EUROPEAN SADISM BUREAU

If you missed Lars von Trier’s (Breaking the Waves, Dancer in the Dark) much hyped and sold out Dogville at this year’s festival, fear not – it will surely be returning to theatres and video stores near you within a matter of days. After all, it stars Nicole Kidman, an even bigger celeb coup for von Trier than Bjork was. For the diehard von Trier fans among you however, the lesserknown film, The Five Obstruc-

tions might be worth seeking out. The clever documentary chronicles a cinematic game of one-upsmanship between von Trier and his friend and longtime mentor, Danish experimental filmmaker Jørgen Leth. Leth is an institution in Scandinavian cinema, currently serving as Denmark’s royal counsel in Haiti. Von Trier challenges Leth to remake his own black and white cult classic, The Perfect Human five times, each with a different set of increasingly difficult (and often absurd) obstructions.

As Leth rises to the challenges set by von Trier (who plays the part of the tyrannical formalist perfectly) the audience begins to realise that the entire exercise has been devised by von Trier in order to break Leth down, force him into a quagmire of poor craftsmanship through a series of technical, aesthetic and ethical barriers. Though we see Leth’s exasperation grow as the documentary progresses, he rises admirably to each challenge posed by von Trier (including filming a remake in Bombay’s

Below: Jørgen Leth wonders why he is talking to von Trier red light district, Leth’s personal version of hell). Scenes from the original Perfect Human are interspersed with video footage of Leth and von Trier going through the process of planning each remake. We see the five short films Leth makes in response to von Trier’s obstructions – each a stubborn refusal to make the ‘stupid film’ von Trier obviously wants. In the fifth and final remake, the frustrated von Trier (obviously sensing his failure in cracking Leth) forces the older filmmaker to read a voiceover

admitting his humility and shortcomings, though von Trier eventually concedes that he is the one who ultimately looked ridiculous.

The Five Obstructions is a clever and funny documentary that offers a rare and intimate

portrait of von Trier, a controversial filmmaker who often hides behind his cleverness, his famous rules and his frequently shocking and contentious films. Leth’s wily persistence in turning each obstruction into a gift is impressive, and for fans of the dogmatic von Trier, this honest glimpse of him with his guard down and all his neuroses on display is priceless, as he tries desperately to outsmart a man he obviously respects and admires – and with good reason.

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Artistic success on $3,000 or less

Have a Nice Day reviewed by Edward Gebbie

INDEPENDENT FILM BUREAU

The words ‘Art Film” send shivers down the spine of otherwise brave souls. And what’s worse, they should. Even a shameless snob like myself can sometimes be exhausted after being beaten into submission by four hours in a theatre, staring up at the worthless cavalcade of human existence. So sometimes the clichés are true—that doesn’t mean we stop trying, does it? Surely there’s a place in our lives for experimental film that seeks to chronicle the human experience, right? Right? Well, I think so. Don’t stop reading! I’ve got a good one for you, folks. Have A Nice Day is a locally produced film directed by Alan Compton and shot on digital video, all for under $3,000, making it the cheapest feature film ever made. No, please! Keep reading! It’s good! The film follows Arthur, a dispossesed, drug-addicted loner who seems to be nearing the end of his rope. The parallels for a university audience are unavoidable: listless in his late twenties, Arthur’s life never reached the heights he assumed he deserved. He never really tried his hand at anything, and the torpor of the everyday is becoming a noose around his neck. He is sleepless as he drifts through memory, facing a classic existential dilemma - he knows something isn’t right, but isn’t really sure what it is, and he sure as hell doesn’t know how to change. So far, so artsy. But we’re doing alright. Have A Nice Day has all the classic elements in place: black and white, non-

narrative structure, and very little dialogue, with the action being driven by interior monologue. In lesser hands, these familiar tropes would grate on the viewer, but any cynicism is negated thanks to the work of screenwriter/director Alan Compton. The film succeeds based on Compton’s choices. He is fearless in framing his shots off-centre and seemingly recklessly, conveying Arthur’s sense of hopeless dislocation and revealing Toronto to be the urban-death maze we’ve always suspected. Avoiding cliche in this context is always difficult, but the singular vision established in the opening moments of the film is maintained throughout. The dialogue isn’t flawless, but contains moments of beauty which elucidate Arthur’s problems and hint at the universal. Lead actor Jimmy Hogg should be singled out for praise: his portrayal of a classic waster is pitch-perfect, and his anguished face, visible nearly every moment, exudes believablity and empathy. This is no small feat. Arthur’s attempt at contact is telling - he places a personal ad seeking two women to meet him for a threesome. When it seems this encounter may lead to real intimacy instead of the half-hearted hate-fuck he’d envisioned, Hogg’s performance reaches a peak. Also noteable is U of T student Danelle Eliav, who is pitch perfect as Arthur’s “love” interest. She radiates sincerity throughout her screen time. Have a Nice Day is a good movie made extraordinary by the strength of its performances and the courage of its direction.

Maybe we’ve been too hard on the Art Film; if Have a Nice Day was a British Art School Product, eggheads world-wide would be dancing in the streets.

The Yes Men by Katarina Gligorijevic OLD WHITE MEN BUREAU

The Yes Men are a refreshing change from the usual brand of giant-puppet-wielding protesters in combat pants that the media would have us believe comprise the sum total of the anti globalization movement. This hilarious documentary follows the Yes Men who, after getting serious queries at their fake WTO website (which resembles the real site, but with highly critical content) decide to take their hoax to the next level by sending their own misinformation specialists to speak at conferences posing as WTO members. Highlights include a textiles conference at which the “business leisure suit” is unveiled – a gold space suit with a large inflatable TV-screen-phallus from which the modern manager can the remotely monitor sweatshop workers. The level of absurdity these men aspire to and achieve is impressive. Surprisingly, none of their professional audiences show any incredulity or doubt about the legitimacy of the wily imposters, no matter how outrageous the content of their speeches get. The Yes Men is one part entertainment and one part serious how-to guide for the modern activist.

PHOTO COURTESY OF DAVE KEMP

The glamour, the cleavage, the film festival

Natural beauty and human ugliness Twentynine Palms reviewed by Katarina Gligorijevic 401 BLOWS BUREAU

Bruno Dumont (La Vie de Jesus, L’Humanite), returns to the Festival with Twentynine Palms, a bizarre love-story/ road-movie about David (an American who speaks only English) and Katja (an east European who speaks only French) traveling through the American deserts. The film’s languid pace and sparse dialogue echo Dumont’s previous films, though he’s traded in the washed-out, drab small towns of France for the striking landscape of the American west. The dry, vast terrain of exotic trees and majestic rock formations is a fitting backdrop for Katja’s erratic mood swings, David’s temper flare-ups and the

couple’s highly dysfunctional relationship. The two cleave onto one another through a series of violently desperate and frantic sexual encounters, as their relationship otherwise becomes increasingly strained and their inability to communicate more apparent. Unfortunately, in the film’s short final act, Dumont chooses to brutalize the audience with an orgy of grotesque violence that comes out of nowhere and seems to belong in a different film. The finale of Twentynine Palms would have been more fitting in a film by Gaspar Noe (Seul Contre Tous, Irreversible) than in a film by a director who is better known for testing his audiences with excessively long, ponderous shots and heavy-handed symbolism.

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Life In Post-Taliban Afganistan:

AT FIVE IN THE AFTERNOON REVIEWED by Katarina Gligorijebic AFGHAN FILM BUREAU

Samira Makhmalbaf’s latest work, At Five in the Afternoon, tackles the tough and timely issue of the status of women in post-Taliban Afghanistan. Nogreh is a young woman whose conservative father refuses to allow her to attend

school, in spite of the recent loosening of laws against the education of women. Under the guise of studying scripture, Noqreh heads into town daily in her burqa, only to trade it in for a pair of high heels and a secular school as soon as her father is out of sight. Makhmalbaf creates a stark contrast between Noqreh’s school life, where she

expresses a desire to be Afghanistan’s first female president and begins a romance with a young poet, and her home life, with a fundamentalist father, desperate sister-in-law and sickly nephew, constantly roaming the ruined streets of Kabul in search of water, food and shelter among a sea of other homeless refugees. The film takes its

title from a poem by Federico Garcia Lorca, and the lyrical quality of the film’s ambiguous final scenes, which suggest neither triumph nor tragedy for the characters, is made all the more poignant by the use of lines from the poem, whispered like a mantra by Noqreh as she resigns herself to an uncertain future. Makhmalbaf paints stunning pictures, but she does not always let them speak for themselves. Affecting images – a young mother rocking an emaciated infant in the hollow bowels of the downed airplane she calls home, or a young woman sleeplessly walking the empty hallways of a ruined castle in a pair of old high heels she cannot wear by day – speak volumes about the political climate in Afghanistan, the postwar poverty and desperation of the populace, and the clash of generations and belief systems as the country emerges from a highly oppressive and repressive regime. Unfortunately, Makhmalbaf frequently feels the need to explain and highlight her point rather than allowing the audience to discover it as the film develops. This didactic quality was present in her earlier feature, Blackboards, which also had a strong political message about education in Iran. At Five in the Afternoon is precisely and meticulously created – each image is carefully chosen and structured to evoke an emotion or thought, and the dialogue is written to carefully underline and strengthen each point. This makes the otherwise fluid and lyrical film seem at times overly constructed. Nonetheless, it is a visual feast, the non-professional actors add a charm and spontaneity to the production, and it is of course refreshing to see that this young director is not afraid to tackle head-on the contentious but highly relevant issues that are affecting not only her own country, but the world.

My Town: a review by Thomas Jankowski POLISH FILM BUREAU

My Town, directed by Marek Lechki of Poland, was quite a show when it was featured at The Varsity as a part of this year’s “Discovery” program at the festival. Fully packed theatre, an excellent introduction by one of TIFF’s programmers, Jane Schoettle, who called the film “one of the most interesting debuts of the last few years,” and the young director’s appearance put everyone in a very cozy mood. And for a good reason. My Town is not really a feature film. It’s a “TV” film, meaning that it’s 1-hour long, and it was made specifically for a series of movies that aired last year in Poland, under the name of “Generation 2000.” The protagonist, a 24-year old male called Godzik, tells a story of people who live on the outskirts of a small Silesian town in Poland. The setting is almost wholly contained within one small apartment building and the immediate surrounding areas. Most people are merely surviving, with no immediate outlook on the future, as they have been jobless for a while and to seek a job is utterly hopeless. Despite this shady, grey, insistent presence, we still see them as able to weave tiny pieces of hope, through warmth, care, and unstoppable optimism. My Town moves from eccentricity to melancholy, from melancholy to tragedy, from tragedy to a quasi-salvation. The transitions are smooth, elegant and very convincing. The flow within the emotional layer of the film crosses its social layer constantly, offering various ways of approaching and dissecting this oeuvre. And despite the

movie’s emotional universality, it does not oversimplify itself. An alcoholic father, odd neighbours, an overly worrisome mother, uncle who’s a thief, suicidal best friend, and a promising relationship with a girl who needs to sort out her own issues first are only some of the many problems that young Godzik needs to face. This is Lechki’s first major release since his graduation from Department of Radio and Television at the University of Silesia a year ago. Although he started writing the screenplay during his second academic year, it was not until he graduated that he was able to start thinking about the movie seriously. Interestingly enough, he says that there never was a definite motif or a motto to My Town – when writing the screenplay, one scene would propel the next, and so forth, and so on. Eventually, Lechki was able to start casting, and although he was able to hire some veteran actors for the roles of Godzik’s parents (roles they performed stunningly), he ended up casting an amateur, a second-year student of the same program he attended, for the main role and few other amateurs. As they have seemed the best choices to him at the time. Lechki, inspired by Tarkovski and Bergman, whose influence is mildly felt throughout some of My Town’s sequences, has received several awards for his movie in Europe and is currently working on two other projects. My Town was extremely well-received in Toronto as well, and many viewers have expressed their hopes to see Lechki’s work again at future festivals.

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Satoshi Kon’s Millennium Actress Makes Sushi of Finding Nemo

DreamWorks serves up a tasty treat from the Orient that is not just for the Pocky-scarfing Japanophiles amongst you by Brent Wilson

ANIME FOR NON-GEEKS BUREAU

I admit it: I’ve never been a huge fan of animated films. They’re often amusing, frequently pretty, but seldom give me something that I can sink my teeth into. Finding Nemo is an excellent example of this: stunning computer animation, light and occasionally witty banter, but little beyond that. The story of the trials and tribulations of a pre-pubescent fish can only offer so much to an adult audience. I was a fat guy, and Pixar was feeding me Lean Cuisine. I wanted more. And with Millennium Actress, I got it. The recent success of Hayao Miyaziki’s Spirited Away, released in North America by Disney, has shown that Japanese animation can put asses in theatre seats. DreamWorks, through their new distribution arm Go Fish Pictures, hopes that they can

replicate this success with the anime feature Millennium Actress (thankfully, they have kept the original Japanese voice performances with subtitles, unlike Disney’s treatment of the Miyaziki films). Millennium Actress offers something different from what the mainstream American audience might expect in an animated film. The movie has already been extremely successful in Asia, both critically and financially, and has won several major awards. Sure, you haven’t heard of any of the awards (trust me), but they are awards nonetheless. And they were well deserved. The film’s director and cowriter Satoshi Kon is well known to anime fans for his last film Perfect Blue, a murder mystery that dealt in very adult subject matter. Don’t expect anything similar in Millennium Actress. The film will satisfy adult audiences, but the content is definitely safe for the kiddies.

The story unfolds as documentary filmmaker Genya Tachibana and his cameraman seek out and interview aging and reclusive ex-film star Chiyoko Fujiwara. At first meeting, Tachibana presents Fujiwara with a key that obviously holds great meaning for her. The gift triggers a flood of memories and Fujiwara tells the story of her life from childhood through to the time of her sudden and mysterious retirement. Although Millennium Actress is very different in tone from Perfect Blue, there is some commonality in the style of direction and storytelling. As in Perfect Blue, Kon uses the device of blurring the lines between fiction and reality. In that film, the device had a disorienting effect on the viewer that mirrored the confusion and distress of the protagonist. In Millennium Actress however, it serves to draw the viewer more deeply into Chiyoko’s story.

As Chiyoko tells her tale, Tachibana and the cameraman become firsthand witnesses to the events in her life. They see her as a child in pre-war Japan, receiving the key from a mysterious anti-government artist whom she offers shelter to as he hides from the police. They also observe her rise through the studio to become a star actress, all the while seeking out the stranger that she met as a child. As the story progresses the lines between fiction and reality almost disappear and Tachibana is able to act not only

as a witness to her life but also as her guardian and protector. In Millennium Actress, director Kon gives us Japanese history

not only in Chiyoko’s lifetime, but for hundreds of years before, as shown in her films. The spectacle is beautiful and engaging, but the film does not allow for anything more than a fleeting glimpse of any one historical period. But this is not the point of the film. Its heart is in the chase, with Chiyoko always pursuing her lost love, the painter. The action is also beautifully propelled by the music of Susumu Hirasawa; it is important but thankfully never intrusive. Altogether this is a very satisfying film. There are lots of pretty pictures and goofy (in a good way) humour to keep the kids happy, but also more than enough emotional and intellectual depth to keep the adult audience engaged. If you are, like me, far too often disappointed with what Hollywood has to offer I suggest that you take the time to see this movie. You will not be disappointed.

A song in your heart and black sores all over

The Singing Detective reviewed by Rich Platel MUSICAL MANHUNTER BUREAU Ah, the heartbreak of psoriasis. Covered head to toe in psoriasis sores, hospalized, practically paralysed and going mad from the pain, unsuccessful mystery writer Dan Dark (Robert Downey, Jr.) has developed an unusual coping strategy: screaming obscenities at the hospital staff and escaping in to his own 40’s era novel, The Singing Detective. Plotlines dance and collide like dames and thugs on the floor at a supperclub as action and characters fly from the stark sterility of the hospital to the lush world of Dark’s novels to the sun-bleached trauma of his rural childhood. Nurses morph into showgirls, thugs wander Dark’s childhood home like Beckett characters looking for a plot, while mobsters and private

“May I help you with that, sir?” Katie Holmes finds a novel way to make friends

dicks shoot it out in a hospital ward and people burst in to lipsynched big musical numbers at the drop of a hat. Dennis Potter completed this adaptation of his own semi-autobiographical BBC miniseries of the same name before succumbing to pancreatic cancer in 1996 and Keith Gordon treats the material reverently right down to using Potter’s own musical choices. The tone is lighter and more uplifting than the dark miniseries, which is better suited to a movie’s runtime. Downey is perfectly cast as Dark, conveying a perfect mix of anger, resentment, pain, fierce intelligence and the guarded tenderness of a wounded child. Robin Wright Penn is great as Dark’s ex-wife and long-suffering receptacle of all his hate and paranoia. In addition to producing this movie, Mel Gibson co-stars as Dr. Gibbon, a fact which should strike fear in to the heart of any movie viewer, but Gibson, almost unrecognizable under layers ageing makeup turns in a subtle and believable performance as the maverick psychologist who helps Dark confront his rage and it’s wellspring in his childhood. Also, Katie Holmes shows up as a nurse and gets to say “Sorry, I’ll have to lift your penis now.” The Singing Detective is an exercise in levels, where a character learns that his own characters reveal more about their author than the author ever intended, but none of this longhair gum-flapping gets in the way of the story, there’s dames, hard luck dicks, thugs, dances, gunfights and songs.

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the five buck lunch

The Soapbox by Rosena Fung

The Red Room is situated on the west side of Spadina Ave. just a minute south of College St. Sandwiches are the best bet here and usually ring in under the four dollar mark. And we aren’t talking grilled cheese, necessarily. The avocado and brie, grilled veggie, and grilled chicken are all delicious as well as quite filling. For those looking for something higher up on the protein pyramid, the Red Room serves an all-day brunch with eggs, bacon and french toast. The only downside about the Red Room is the service. Herding cats is a good analogy. Really nice

Jason at University by Jason Kieffer

waitstaff, but you have to be quite assertive to get any attention. The atmosphere here is half the value, as it reeks the warm glow of a Bohemian lifestyle. I have listened to the entire CD, of Radiohead’s Amnesiac blaring through the speakers, over lunch here. Word has it that certain professors host their office hours at the place. —Matt Gloyd

Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notley

Anonymous Comics by Nick Maandag

the newspaper You little punks think you own this town Writers’ Meetings Thursday @ 4:30

Laughter Ensues by Josh Gurfinkel

the crossword Across

1. Wheelchair entrance, perhaps. 5. Ending for “nut” or “brief”. 10. Inexcusably absent. 11. Meeting-place of foot and leg? 12. Chip’s partner. 13. “Winfield wants _____!” Hint: Librarians seldom agree. 14. πr2, for a circle. 15. “Before”, in Spanish. Hint: also, the prices of hands in poker. 16. Relaxed. 18. Endured. 23. Avarice (like what you feel on free food days). 27. Section of a bodily organ. 28. Testicular/ovarian fortitude, colloquially. 29. “I’m gonna letcha __ __ a little secret…” 30. Vengefulness. 31. Liquefy. 32. “Tiny ____”, as in the ‘prog-

eny’ of Loony Tunes. 33. Baseball pitchers’ stats.

Last Week’s Solution

Down

1. Speeders’ fear. 2. Cognizant. 3. Near-blind subterranean mammals. 4. Fold, in a skirt. 5. The True North Strong and Free 6. Abbreviation for “nameless”. 7. Short dramatic performance. 8. General threat: “Or ____!” 9. Spots? 17. VIPs of the First Nations House. 19. Mucky goo. 20. Ammunition for printers? 21. Deadly African epidemic. 22. Fender-bender results? 23. Tiny insect. 24. City in the Sierra Nevada, US. 25. Therefore. 26. Like the score of a tied game.

arts@thenewspaper.ca

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by Morgon Mills

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18 September 2003

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Mary had a little lamb—and then she ate it Five Simple Rules to Follow When Slaughtering Your First Kill by Emily Wood

RED RED MEAT BUREAU

I love meat. Really, I do. I love the way it tastes, the way it feels in my mouth, even the juice, the blood. The rawer, the better. I never anticipated, however, kneeling in my cousin’s yard with a knife in my clutch and warm blood on my hands. How did I get to this point? I wondered. I always thought lambs were so cute… In an effort to understand why my first slaughter was so successful, I thoughtfully reflected on my experience and devised a list of five basic rules to guide you during your first kill. If all goes well, I guarantee your experience will be as smooth and pleasant as my own. Rule # 1: Do not try this at

home Unless home is a remote location where the slaughtering of livestock is permitted, or at least, is disregarded by the locals. The setting for my first kill was the front yard of my cousin’s house in an isolated village in Northern Greece. “The front yard?!” I thought. “This is suicide! I’m going to be noosed in the Village Square! Aren’t there animal rights activists in Greece?!” Apparently not. No one seemed to care. In this part of the country, slaughtering lamb is still considered a ritually significant culinary tradition. Although it is not technically legal, it is still acknowledged by the people of the area as a customary part of life. Rule #2: Do not think that it is cute or treat it as a pet

PHOTO BY PETER JOSSELYN

It’s not a pet. It’s your dinner. Don’t confuse the two. Think only about how good it’s going to taste after it’s marinated and roasted on the spit.

Rule # 3: Do not name the kill This act, while seemingly harmless, could have serious emotional repercussions. If you feel the need to name it, avoid

really cute names like “Snuggles” or “Muffin”. This will upset you. Don’t get attached. Rule #4: Do not get nostalgic flashbacks from childhood

This is very important. Don’t think about petting farms, or that Halloween costume your mom made you, or that fluffy little puppet from Lambchops. Do not under any circumstance whistle or hum the tune to “Mary had a Little Lamb.” The whole experience will become overwhelmingly morbid and painful. You don’t want to feel like a sadistic killer, do you? So, empty your mind of childhood memories. Rule #5: Recognize the slaughter as simply a continuation of the natural life cycle If all else fails, this is what will redeem you in the end. Consider yourself a constitutive part of a long lineage of hunters and gatherers who slaughtered animals to sustain themselves. If you look at it that way, I promise your actions will feel legitimized. In the end, give yourself a pat on the back for facing the ultimate carnivorous reality: Animals do die so we can eat them. It’s just a part of life. This is a reality that should be acknowledged rather than denied. And if you can’t accept this simple truth, maybe you shouldn’t be eating meat at all. Now, go enjoy your dinner.

the etymology by Katie Szymanski LINGUISTICS BUREAU

What is the first rule of the newspaper? Avoid clichés like the plague. What is the second rule of the newspaper? Avoid clichés like the plague. The third rule is irony and snideness. So why is the French noun, “cliché,” so despised and avoided? Today the cliché is a trite or hackneyed phrase—something that has become overly familiar or commonplace in everyday language. Clichés are a dead giveaway of lazy thinkers. Although you probably won’t find many clichés in today’s print media, journalism relies on its own kind of edgy yet hackneyed catch-phrases. Does “friendly fire,” “poster-child,” and “bi-partisanship” ring any tired and weary bells? Has there even been a political scandal since 1974 that hasn’t been referred to in the papers as “something-gate”? Joe Grimm from the Detroit Free Press calls these “quickchés,” which are “expressions that burst upon the nation’s eyes or ears simultaneously, and that are already threadbare before journalists start using them to dress up their copy.” Now let’s get our hands wet in some etymology. Originating in 1832, “cliché” came from the French verb “clicher,” which described the clicking sound of mould dropping into molten metal. Cliché became part of printers’ jargon for a metal casting of an electrotype or a stereotype, which are printing plates cast from a mould. So I bet you didn’t know that the words “stereotype” and “cliché” are cast from the same mould. Clichés are the “old coins of the language,” as described by the Weber State University. At one time, certain clichés made a striking impression in news headlines, but have since been rendered useless, like coins with repeated handling. While clichés may be tempting to recycle, they de-value the message being communicated with years of baggage. In journalism, they might add colour to a sentence or headline, but faded colour indeed. Clichés are an easy way out, and a violation of rules number one and two.

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