News review

REVEALED: TOP TEN ‘SITES’ IN MANCHESTER PAGE 21 & GOT A PROBLEMO? PAGE 30

NEWSREVIEW

ISSUE NO.1 / FREE / THURS 30TH MARCH 2017

www.newsreview.co.uk

MAKING THE NEWS A LITTLE MORE BEARABLE

PRESIDENT TRUMP EXCLUSIVE

POTUS CONFIRMED AS ‘WHOPPER’

BY INSPIRING MANCHESTER ER P P O H W A SIGN 'S P M U TR GE 4 PA

cartoon: Lauren Noble

BREXIT: THE MOVIE SCRIPT LEAKED

ECCLESTONE GONE FROM F1

Director Theresa May leaves script for new Brexit movie in pub, revealing entire, miserable plot

Goodbye Bernie: The former F1 Chief on selling commercial rights to become a billionaire and screwing fans over

PAGE 6

PAGE 29

image sourced from CC

DEATH EATERS: IDENTITY CRISIS Who are we? Do Death Eaters even care? Are Death Eaters the new goths? We ask all the important questions

PAGE 5

CONCRETE CAVERNS: INSIDE THE STUDENT BAND LOOKING TO EXPAND TO MANC PAGES 18-19

ER T S HE ON C N ITI A M ED

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NEWS REVIEW MAKING THE NEWS A LITTLE MORE BEARABLE

4 OH, DONALD

HELLO...

We take a little look at the history of Trump’s new cabinet and their Death Eater history respective roles

Welcome to your

quarterly dose of sarcastic and hilarious articles brought to you by the team here at NewsReview.

We know that the modern world we live in, has basically gone to the dogs; but why not have a laugh about it?

This issue is jam packed with pieces to tickle your fancy. With features on Trump and BREXIT, and even hearing from those drains on society (or shall we call them students?) in our confessions section.

We’ve got some intensive coverage of Oscar’s season inside with my predictions of who will win what, plenty of sport coverage and how to make some great tasting student meals.

Lauren Noble Joint Editor

THIS ISSUE image sourced from CC

6 A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

14 NO MONEY? NO PROBLEM

18 MAKING IT BIG IN MANC

20 THE BEST SIGHTS IN MANCHESTER (UNOFFICIAL)

We present to you: a BREXIT timeline. You're welcome

Concrete Caverns give us an exclusive interview on expanding from Hertfordshire to the big, beaut city of Manchester

Take a look at our advice for students thinking of travelling this summer, plus hilarious travel reviews

We compile a sparkling list of Manchester's best 'sites' to please your aesthetics

8 OSCARS PREDICTIONS 10 HOW TO GET INTO FILM

26 MMU'S NEW WRITE FOR US HOCKEY STARLET No, he's not on 300k a week, but MMU's Dylan Madden tells us how he balances sport with work and socialising

31 WE LOVE YOUR MOANS

Students! You moan a lot. You also have a lot to tell us. We love it. Take a look at some of the best stories from this issue

Lauren gives her predictions for who's going to win big at 2017's Oscars ceremony Aspiring filmmaker Matt Atherton shares his insights on how to break into the film industry

30 Got a problemo? We probably can't solve it. But we tried anyway.

We're always on the hunt for fresh new talent in various departments of our magazine. We're very student-driven and believe in giving you lot a chance to show off what you can do. So, if you're interested in getting some experience with News Review, drop us an email or a WhatsApp and we'll be in touch!

Dan Spragg Joint Editor writeforus@newsreview.co.uk +447836592032

@NewsReview

4 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 POLITICS

NEWSREVIEW TODAY Thursday, 30th March 2017

www.newsreview.co.uk

Weather: Miserable

Issue One

BREAKING: TRUMP OUTED AS 'WHOPPER'

BY RELIABLE MANCHESTER SOURCE @danspragg

"Happy inauguration #Trump, with love from Manchester"

Melania Trump, faithful wife or fearful captive?

BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

POTUS, Donald Trump has been officially confirmed as a whopper by a sign in Manchester this morning.

News of this revelation was quickly spread on social media.

Manchester has always been seen as a city of news, and this sign has proved once again, that the reliable sources of

Manchester never fail to deliver exclusives when the pressure is on.

President Trump has yet to release an official statement on this 'outing', but our sources inside the White House have said that he is dismayed by the news being leaked. It's also been said that his hair has taken the news badly, and it has reportedly started to lose its striking fake colouring due to the stress.

Trump's hair-secretary has

apparently already been in contact with his hairdresser to try and arrange a life-saving appointment for the hair; otherwise this could mark the end of the not-so-classic combover.

If any of our readers have been affected by this story, we adivse you to contact a reputable hairdresser, we all know that Trump's botched hair was his own fault. Always trust the professionals.

People are beginning to stop demonizing the First Lady, and are instead beginning to worry about her.

After a shocking video emerged of her noticably recoiling and flinching when good old Donald touches her.

In the video, Melania quite visably recoils when Trump comes up from behind her at a rally in Melbourne.

It has had thousands of views, and many concerned viewers have voice their worries for the First Lady.

With many wondering if this is a tell-tale sign of spousal abuse.

Many people out there have previously made seemingly unfounded claims that they think Melania is being mistreated by her husband, these claims have now been given some fuel.

Whatever the circumstances might be surrouding the video, we hope that the First Lady is being treated well.

5 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 POLITICS

JUST WHO ARE

BY

Dan Spragg

Joint Editor

LORDDEATHTRUMP'S EATERS CABINET? Ever since the arrival of Lord Trump and his wicked ways, us here at The Daily Prophet News Review have been keeping a keen eye on who he might bring with him into government. Most of his loyal followers have now been sworn in, so lets take a look at who have fingered their dark marks so far...

WILBUR ROSS CHIEF OF MAGICAL COVER-UPS

Wilbur, the first of his name, came to Trump seeking employment following his failed experiment to sell off the Shrieking Shack to foreign investors. His new position as Chief of Magical Cover-Ups will see him handle most Dark Mark commerce affairs while finding false alibis to justify his misspending. Trump admires Wilbur Ross' wealth above all, and will likely stop at nothing to seize the Baudelaire's fort- oh, wrong franchise. He's rich though.

ELAINE CHO BROOMS AND PORTKEY REGULATOR Cho is an experienced broom handler but was given the boot from her portkey position at the Ministry of Magic during Fudge's reign for fiddling the books and laundering thousands of Galleons over a three-year period. Lord Trump said in his latest press conference: "I chose Elaine as head of transportation as Dolohov told me she's known as the local bicycle, which I thought was very appropriate for this role."

RICK PERRY CHIEF OF CURSES AND DARK SPELLS Rick Perry served three terms as the governor of Hogsmeade before his defection to the Death Eaters. As an experienced man, he's already run for Minister for Magic twice but has never been successful. As Chief of Curses and Dark Spells, the man is responsible for the running of magical energy through nasty spells and jinxes. Perry is also famously known for saying he believes the entire department shouldn't exist. Seriously.

STEVEN MNUCHIN CHIEF OF DARK MARK SPENDING Former manager of Gringotts Bank, Mnuchin is notorious for expressing his frustration at assumptions his name is a typo.

"No, it's not Munchin, that sounds ridiculous. My surname does not mean eating," he said. The department of Dark Mark Spending has been up in the air for a while now, and as a man with no previous experience, Trump thought he was the perfect fit for the job. The Dark Lord admires loyalty over intelligence.

JEFF SESSIONS CHIEF OF WIZARDING LAW As well as his extensive government experience, Trump admires Jeff Sessions' breakthrough in the music industry with his new platinum album Sessions VI.2, and range of headphones Sen. Sessions™ last year. He is responsible for overseeing and passing through bills and new laws. Sessions was one of the founders of the Death Eaters, and cited his main influence as the KKK.

TOM PRICE ENFORCER OF NATURE'S NOBILITY While Tom Price might look harmless on the outside, he is actually Satan reborn - an innocuous looking shell will never cover up his hatred of Half-Bloods and Muggles. Price attempted to put a temporary travel ban on all House Elves, Muggles, Half-Bloods and Trolls entering the U.S - and despite it being overturned, still turned up at JFK Airport with a sign that read 'Muggles = Shitters' and a fold-up deck chair and blankets.

REX TILLERSON ADVISER OF PROPAGANDA Rex Tillerson, a man with no previous government experience, was hand-picked by Trump as his adviser of propaganda - similar to a secretary of state role. Tillerson is renowned for his ties to Vladimir Putin, who is the headmaster of Durmstrang School, after Putin awarded him the “Order of Friendship,” entirely dissimilar to the Order of the Phoenix in that it is a high honour in the Kremlin and not a fictional organisation.

BETSY DeVOS CHIEF OF RADICALISATION

Betsy DeVos will serve as Chief of Radicalisation not only at the Ministry but one day a week at Hogwarts, in an Umbridge-type role Trump has confirmed. Some of her proposed policies include turning Hogwarts into a grammar school, which is contrast to just two years back when Hogwarts was asked to take more Muggle students to meet inclusivity targets. DeVos also wants to ban Quidditch and replace it with Lacrosse.

GENERAL JOHN KELLY CHIEF OF DARK MAGIC Despite boasting the most American name ever, General John Kelly wants the US to be seen as "one of the friendliest and diverse nations in the world." The new Chief of Dark Magic insists his intentions for the role are "purely positive," which include constructing shelters for the wizarding community during moments of conflict, installing new bicycle lanes and building a giant Death Star to wipe out all of humanity.

BEN CARSON ADVISER OF WIZARDING COMMUNITY Ben Carson, a man who looks like he should've been a stand-up comedian rather than a politician, might actually implement the former into his astonishing new proposals at the Ministry of Magic. "I'm probably just going to sit and talk to the walls all day, how often is it you see a wizarding council estate?" He said. Yeah, good point. Where the urban families at, JK? images sourced from CC

6 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 NEWS

A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS JUNE 2016 Following a tooth and nail campaign, the people of Britain voted in the referendum and the result has left us in a state of "BREXIT'.

The ever-reliable David Cameron hands in his resignation (what a pansy), and leaves us in limbo. We're faced with a Tory leadership contest; and we're either going to be stuck with Johnson, Gove, May or Leadsom. (Can I hear "This is going to fail miserably", yes. Yes I can.)

JULY 2016 During the first round of votes, Gove is chucked (thank the Lord for some divine intervention), Boris is left betrayed and leaves, and then when it finally comes down to it, Leadsom doesn't have the stones for it, so we're saddled with May (Whoopie.) May makes some controversial changes, which include appointing the clown himself, Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary. This induces laughter and mocking from most of the world; May must have been having an off day (blame the menopause).

SEPTEMBER & OCTOBER 2016 SEPTEMBER: Despite 3 months passing since the referendum, May and the rest of the House of Commons still have no clue what BREXIT actually means. I hope the Tory's are proud of their UNELECTED Prime Minister.

Johnson, not satisfied with just having the Foreign Secretary role, has made a bid for some extra power, by launching a new pressure group called "Change Britain", and their aim is to force the government, and more importantly, May, to take the UK out of the EU and the single market as soon as possible.

OCTOBER: May finally gives us a rough date for BREXIT. She's planning on triggering Article 50 before the end of March 2017 (HALLELUJAH).

JANUARY 2017 May sets out her plan for BREXIT. She has ruled out remaining in the European Single Market, but she apparently has every intention of working to ensure that British businesses have the fullest possible access to the European Market. Significantly, she also announced that Parliament would have to vote on ANY BREXIT deal before it can be enacted.

FEBRUARY 2017 Tony Blair has wormed his way out of hiding to start a 'revolution' in order to persuade the people of Britain to stay in the EU. This has completely under-mined the authority of the current Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn, who has spoken out about wanting May to trigger Article 50 as soon as possible to respect the choices of the people. Look, long story short - We're leaving the EU, so you'd just better get used to it.

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7 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 NEWS

HOT OFF THE

PRESS

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Fat Controller given gastric band

Sir Topham Hatt, better known as the Fat Controller from the Thomas the Tank Engine series, is to be given a gastric band on the NHS. Hatt, who has recently re-emerged into the spotlight following a deadly meme outbreak, rather ironically says he has been uncontrollably eating since the new-found fame, and has been given the go-ahead for the operation next week.

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Street earlier this week, A statement emerged from Downing in seeking out new which read: “Britain must aim higher ” . ities business partners and opportun ia is home to many The relatively untouched soil of Narn ssed through the back of acce be only can and different species to be “ironically apt” an old, grand wardrobe - which is said for the narrow-minded. hed in the next few Mrs May is confident a deal can be reac s Johnson out to the months, and she’s even sending Bori glaciers to spearhead the agreement.

re to replace Obamaca 'Hope' being lined, up to is also known as Obamacare,

The Affordable Care Act e. be replaced by a simple flicker of hop the Senate, would by The replacement bill, yet to be passed their health insurance see up to 24 million Americans have the general assumption replaced with a positive mindset and anything, so why do that getting sick really isn’t going to help it? ectation and desire for Hope is defined as the feeling of exp ublican Paul Ryan a particular thing to happen, and Rep around $1.2 trillion over estimates it will save the government the next decade. act will go towards my “The money saved from this selfless said. hand transplants,” President Trump

Nicola Sturgeon refuses to accept result of England v Scotland six nations match, calls for referendum banning rugby in Scotland

Nicola Sturgeon has been quoted as saying the believes the result of the England v Scotland six nations game, which England won 61-21, was ‘wrong’ and will fight for the result to be overturned.

“It’s daylight robbery, and the result isn’t in the best interest of Scotland,” she said. She has since pledged to reverse the scoreline for the Scottish people, no matter how long it takes.

Only a matter of hours passed before Sturgeon imploded and called for a referendum banning rugby at all levels, stating “clearly there is enormous bias against our people, so banning the sport as a whole is only fair.”

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8 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 FILM

EDITOR'S TOP

OSCAR PREDICTIONS

As Oscars season 2017 is fast approaching, I forced myself to watch the nominees, and I've picked three 'favourites,' that I think could scoop an award.

T

he film that shook the industry, please tell me this is a joke?!

So this is the ‘film of the year’, I sincerely hope not. Every critics and film fan is giving this film five stars and rave reviews. I don’t see the appeal. Nominated for a whopping 14 Oscars, you’d expect the best wouldn’t you. It got to the credits, and I was sat in the cinema feeling bitterly disappointed, and wondering if I could ask for a refund on my ticket on the way out.

The plot of La La Land, where do I

HACKSAW RIDGE Directed by MEL GIBSON Starring ANDREW GARFIELD Released JANUARY 26TH (UK)

image sourced from CC

image sourced from CC

LA LA LAND

Directed by Damien Chazelle Starring Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling Released January 12th (UK)

begin. The same tragic tale of boy meets girl, falls in love and then they break up.

With some thrown in extras, such as him (Ryan Gosling) getting successful and her (Emma Stone) failing bitterly.

I have to tell you, the overhype is real.

For a film with a lot of singing, you’d think they’d have cast someone with more than a mediocre voice. I’ll give them some credit, Gosling did learn the piano from scratch, and they both did take dancing lessons, but when the film is self-categorised as a musical, surely a

D

irected by Hollywood hero, Mel Gibson, you’d expect this film to have a bit more violence and gore.

Barely any blood, or scenes of extreme violence or near death experiences.

We’re introduced to the lovely Desmond T. Doss (Andrew Garfield), smalltown guy who won’t even fire a gun on the battlefield. This is the guy we’re supposed to be rooting for, are you kidding?

He pretends to be all competitive at training camp, trying to win and beat his times on the training course and he develops a rivalry with a fellow soldier (who could quite frankly eat him for breakfast), but then as soon as the guns come out he doesn’t want to do it anymore. All he wants to do is be a medic, but even they’re supposed to

"The film that shook the industry, please tell me this is a joke?!"

requirement for the actors is to be able to carry a decent tune.

The ending is the only thing I can conceive as being the reason for all the rave reviews. The final five minutes were about the only worth watching through the whole film. It doesn’t really live up to the ‘instant classic’ mantra it’s been given, just because a film has a relatively okay ending doesn’t automatically qualify it for classic status. But because everyone is a kiss-ass it’ll probably win Best Picture. carry a weapon. He even goes as far to tank his own wedding in order to throw a paddy and get his own way with a disciplinary hearing.

Even though it wasn’t as violent as it could have been, (don’t advertise as a film about the war if you’re not going to deliver), I still believe that it has the potential to win Best Director at the Oscars, if even it’s just because everyone likes is scared of Mel Gibson.

"I STILL BELIEVE IT HAS POTENTIAL TO WIN BEST DIRECTOR"

9 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 FILM

image sourced from CC

JACKIE

Directed by PABLO LARRAÍN Starring natalie portman, peter sarsgaard Released JANUARY 20TH (UK)

N

atalie Portman playing the iconic Jackie Kennedy, what could be better?

I will admit to being quite apprehensive before watching the film, I adore Jackie Kennedy, but if Portman ruined the film, I was going to start a riot, but thankfully I didn’t have to sharpen my pitchfork, or light the torches.

With the genre of ‘biopic’ there is always the risk of it feeling too staged and not real; but Chilean director Pablo Larraín managed to show behind the dusty curtain, he conveyed the shattered and unsettling side to the assassination of JFK, the side the public has never fully seen.

For most of the film it is set in 1963, and follows Jackie as she finds herself being shunted from the position of America’s First Lady, to America’s First Widow. When her husband was assassinated in a

Dallas Motorcade, we saw the raw emotion in Portman’s face, she had truly immersed herself in the role of Jackie.

Larraín doesn’t portray the timescale of the film as an unspooling thread, it comes from Jackie via a journalist who wants

"Portman deserves to win Best Actress, and if she doesn’t I’ll be distraught" to capture the real story. Jackie uses the journalist as a means to stamp her husband’s legacy, as part of American history. The screenplay by Noah Oppenheim is beautiful. As is the casting of every

BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

supporting character, they each bring something new to the film, from her unfathomable priest (John Hurt), to her brother-in-law Bobby Kennedy (Peter Saragaard), who is so completely bereft, perhaps some foreshadowing of his own unhappy fate in life.

Jackie is our constant, seemingly never off-screen, Larraín's camera adores her and never lets her stray too far from view. She teeters between the past and present, with the knowledge that if she wants to ensure her legacy she needs to do it now.

Portman has shouldered incredible pressure through this film, the responsibility to do justice to an icon; and I personally think that she did.

Portman deserves to win Best Actress, and if she doesn’t I’ll be distraught, but with an air of sophistication, just like Jackie.

10 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 FILM

HOW TO GET INTO

FILM

WITH ASPIRING FILMMAKER MATT ATHERTON

E

ver wanted to know what it’s like being a film student trying to break into the industry?

I speak to an aspiring Manchester filmmaker Matt Atherton, who is currently studying at Manchester Met, about his experiences.

What sparked your interest in film?

When I was little, we always used to watch films together as a family. It was a time when I was just really happy and content and I think that’s contributed to my continued love of film. It’s like an addiction. If I know there’s a new film coming out by a promising a director or with a favourite actor or actress in it, I’ll be there on release day. If it’s a particularly memorable film, or I just love it, I’ll go and see it again.

I’m actually quite proud to say that I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens three times in the cinema. As much as this is going to hurt my non-existent manly persona, I even went and saw Zootopia multiple times, and I have to admit that I rushed out to buy the DVD when it came out.

It was always something I knew I wanted to get into. I’ve been interested in films and photography from a young age and this was the next logical step for me. I’d say that I’m now leaning more towards photography purely because it’s something more easily accessible, and I have much more time to focus on it as producing a short film takes a lot of time and effort which is difficult to juggle along with a full-time degree and a social life.

Do you enjoy studying film at university?

Yes, and no. Whilst I enjoy some of the projects and assignments they give us, I wouldn’t say I’ve learned a great deal whilst I’ve been here. I’ve just glossed over what I already know about film, which is a little frustrating to say the least.

"Don’t just be a sheep, think outside of the box and make something that you’re proud of"

What made you choose film as your degree subject?

What are the best and worst bits about filmmaking?

The best bit is producing something you’ve poured your heart into, and have people tell you that it’s actually good. I recently made a film about my mum and her health struggles, it was a topic incredibly

11 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 FILM

@mattatherton_

"Fight your demons, even if they're giant bird monsters.

I've been working a lot over the past few days, hopefully over February I'll have a lot to show for it."

Matthew Atherton Matthew Atherton

BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

close to me, and the response I’ve had to it has been amazing. I never thought that people were going to think my work was that good, but they do; and that’s something I’ll never forget.

The worst bits have to be the long hours and my own sense of perfectionism. I can’t just do things once, if there’s something even a little bit off then I have to re-do it until I’m satisfied with it. It’s also really annoying working in groups for uni projects with people who don’t have the same work ethic or vision for a film; it can become a battle of egos which is really unproductive, and usually ends up in producing a film which isn’t any good.

What type of films do you enjoy producing?

I’ve enjoyed producing documentary style pieces, but I’d say that my main passion is in sci-fi film making.

It’s an area that I’m really interested in as I love the genre of films. I’d love to be able to say one day that I’ve produced a film which has received praise as a top notch sci-fi film.

What advice would you give to someone wanting to start filmmaking?

Film and photograph as much as you can. Just go out with a camera and film something. Don’t sit wait for an opportunity to come your way, make it for

Matt took this photo himself using the timer on his Nikon camera, the same camera used to capture a lot of his Instagram pictures

yourself. People aren’t going to come to you if you’re sitting in your bedroom doing nothing; they’ll come to you when you start making waves and producing stuff they’ve never seen before. Don’t just be a sheep, think outside of the box and make something that you’re proud of, don’t crumble and make something just for a good grade. Make something meaningful.

12 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 STUDENT MEALS

PASTA MADE EASY A re you like me? Do you struggle to think of quick and easy student meals to cook?

As many students reading this will know, we practically survive on pasta for the first few months before we try and branch out to do other things. We’ve all known the pain of making too little or too much BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor picture: Lauren Noble

SPONSORED BY

FGUKEATS

pasta because it seems like nobody knows exactly how much to cook for a decent portion size, it’s ridiculous.

Well after nearly two years of living away from home, I’ve come up with a few favourite meals that are quick and easy to make. I’ll be sharing some tips on how to make food you’ll love to cook again, and

again.

I know it can be daunting to try cooking something for yourself for the first time, but you can't move your mum to uni with you, so you need to learn how to do it for yourself. I’ve chosen something virtually idiot-proof to begin with, ham & cheese pasta Tortellini.

THE PERFECT PASTA IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Make a shopping list, you’ll need a tin of chopped tomatoes, mushrooms, red onion, spinach, some dried herbs and seasonings, and a pack of fresh Ham & Cheese Pasta Tortellini from Aldi (because we are poor students after all, or if you’re posh, an alternative supermarket) When you get home, put a big pan of water on to boil Chop the mushrooms and red onion into small pieces and fry them in a little bit of oil Get a small saucepan and empty the chopped tomatoes into it Add in the fried onions and mushrooms Heat everything up and throw in the herbs and seasonings, and then taste When the water has begun to boil, add the tortellini to the pan and leave to boil for 5 minutes Heat a little water in a medium saucepan and add in some spinach and only leave in for a couple of minutes Drain the pasta and add some sauce, then add the spinach on top But if you can’t even follow those simple steps, you can always order a take-away. I bet someone will have an UberEATS code you can use; or if you don’t have any friends, you can use ours

image sourced from CC

VOTE NOW

STUDENT ELECTIONS 15TH & 16TH MARCH

14 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 TRAVEL image sourced from CC

TRAVEL

NO MONEY? NO PROBLEM BY

picture: Dan Spragg

picture: Dan Spragg

Dan Spragg

Joint Editor

Going travelling this summer? Here's how you should budget

I

hostels in most cities. The mega cheap hostels will provide dorm rooms, providing beds for sometimes up to 16 people - imagine the smell.

Transport covered, sleeping covered, so what are you actually going to do whilst travelling? Sightseeing on a budget is likely the most difficult element of travelling, but most museums are free and big cities offer a sightseeing pass for a discounted price with student or youth cards.

You'll also find that a lot of cities offer free entry to attractions on a certain day, so if there's a place in particular you desperately want to visit, it might be a good idea to plan your trip around that.

Lastly, eating and shopping on a budget is essential to any trip. Firstly, eat away from busy tourist areas restaurants are always more expensive and the quality is often less. You'll save money by filling up a water bottle, and have a picnic in a random, foreign park! Live a little!

Wherever you're heading this summer, follow these budgeting tips and you'll be fine. But if you do get stuck, there is always the bank of Mum and Dad...

"Eat away from busy tourist areas"

image sourced from CC

'm probably the last person anybody wants to take advice from when it comes to money. I'm not fantastic at budgeting, I like to buy things spontaneously and I can easily spend upwards of ÂŁ50 on a 'quiet' night out.

Alas, I myself am venturing into the heart of Europe this summer, so I thought it was time I got my act together and started being an adult.

For real.

Let's start with transport, and particularly for us Interrailers trains. A lot of routes require a train reservation in Europe (which can be made either beforehand or when you arrive in your next destination), but these can easily be avoided by researching alternative routes and taking a slower train. An Interrail pass makes you choose 'travel days,' and these need to be selected wisely - for example, try to use your days for longer by taking multiple journeys on the same day. It's also a good idea to take advantage of their '7pm' rule, where boarding a night train after that time and arriving before 4am means only the following day is counted as a travel day.

If you're snobby about where you stay, this type of trip probably won't cater for you. The cheapest option when Interrailing is to head to a campsite and pitch a tent for a few days, but if you're really not a camping person it doesn't matter too much as there are plenty of cheap

Benidorm, Spain

15 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 TRAVEL

What do I need to pack in my travel bag?

S

o we've been over how to spend your money wisely whilst swanning about in picturesque European cities, but how should you prepare for your adventure back in the not... so... wonderful UK? Okay, so the likelihood is... you're going to hurt yourself at some point during the summer - so pack a small first aid kit.

Always carry a photocopy of your passport and other important documents, in some countries you can be fined on the spot for not presenting ID. Try to pack items that intend on keeping your belongings safe, such as a padlock and a money belt. Most hostels will have safe storage facilities, but it's always best to make sure.

The British are notorious for coming across as somewhat ignorant when it comes to our collective inability to learn a foreign language and have the patience to execute it.

Try to carry a small phrasebook with you, as you never know when you'll need to explain to a receptionist about the broken bed in your room.

You're going to be doing a hell of a lot of travelling,

which can be tedious, so ensure to pack items such as playing cards or portable speakers. Oh, and a bottle opener. They can always come in handy.

picture: Dan Spragg

As a nation, we're all about the moaning and complaining - even when we're supposed to be having fun. "Can't you just pretend you're having fun?" Sure, I'll just sit back and relax in the 45 degree heat whilst simultaneously enduring Chico's one hit wonder on some sh*t speakers by the kid-infested pool. Fantastic. Here are some of the funniest complaints from Brits having fun abroad...

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

"A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

"My fiancĂŠ and I booked a twinbedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

"There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

"The beach was too sandy"

image sourced from CC

image sourced from CC

YOUR SUMMER

PLANS TURNED UPSIDE

DOWN CAMP A I L A R T AUS

APPLY NOW FOR 2018 campaustralia.com

17 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 YOUR VOICE

Dear

Manc heste

r, We’ve h I’ve g ad a loveh ot to s ay, we ate relatio Comi ns ng ’r skysc from a sm e currentl hip for ne a y raper s, lou all country in a hate- rly two yea disgu ph dp st rs, an t d exciti ing local in ublic tran own, I was ase. n ng as s h I thou abitants. port or, qu ’t used to y L i ght y ou we et’s just s te frankly our I’d pic , a r y e t ,y going NOT A ured fanta to be. ou weren’ s t as t F and h AT CHAN ic new opp C ea o not ev rd absolu E. The am rtunities s ount tely n en go of res uch as fin othin ing to din um g reply b to app ack. Why es I’ve sen g a job, I pict ur adver t licatio tise if out fulfill ed getting ns? ing ex y a deg ou’re p r passi onate erience. G ee of my c hoice oing t about lectur wa ol ,s e care. s don’t las ounds like ectures on s going to tt b I a sub t ject th e a there feel like I’m he full hou he dream righ . at I r, a the on ly one nd the oth t? WRON ’m G. Th er stu who a e I thou d c e t u n ally w ts don ght I’ a d ’t meeti nts to have n a be would g new peop packed so n c l or sat ’t be lonel e, having a ial life. Go y. I sp ing ou in the b end m ig group t expen darkn o y lone f frien every wee sive o e s s o k, l d f y n a st I real ly did udent my flat, al evenings s, so I one ( h b amaz becau in the libra ing th ave high h udget). se bil o in for st ls are ry, udent gs before pes for you too I s, but Manc now I moved, th heste a ’ r, m not t This r so sur you were t I’d heard e he pla e. some ally is you r ce to re be lose m al improv last chanc e e e to L m ondon ent and d Mancheste r; e for m Since y pos dication, o I want to tgrad rely, s r you . ’re go ee ing to Laure n Nob le

image sourced from CC

18 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 MUSIC

FACEBOOK.COM/CONCRETECAVERNS @CONCRETECAVERNS @CONCRETECAVERNS SOUNDCLOUD.COM/CONCRETECAVERNS YOUTUBE.COM/CONCRETECAVERNS

BREAKING INTO MANCHESTER:

CONCRETE CAVERNS picture: Lauren Noble

19 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 MUSIC

BY

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

C

oncrete Caverns are a Britrock quartet who formed back in October 2014; when they met after their first year at Middlesex University of London.

2016, was an absolutely huge year for the band. Back in June the band were crowned winners of Parliament’s annual Rock the House competition, which then lead to an opportunity to open the main stage of Village Green Festival in Southend.

In November, they were invited to their first Sofar Sounds session, which was then recorded and released on YouTube. As newly minted Sofar Alumni, they will be performing intimate acoustic sets regularly in London. Adding to their already busy recording and gigging schedules.

With the success of 2016 building their momentum, the band has geared up to make 2017 their most memorable year yet. They got started with a bang, releasing three demos to ring in the new year; ‘Jenny’, ‘That’s Why’ and ‘Give it to Me’. Passionately crafted lyrics and tracks, with the band individual sound stamped all over it.

Anthems for 2017.

The band have been regularly gigging in London and St Albans, but want to move to the North of England to expand their reach.

Moving into one of the liveliest music scenes in the world, Manchester. Home to the likes of, The Stone Roses, Oasis, and The 1975. Concrete Caverns have the distinct potential to become an anthem band for students all over the UK. The boys are hoping to make connections with Manchester bands, and then extend their reach to the North. Aiming to have their first Manchester gig take place this year, the boys have an exciting year of new experiences ahead of them.

The band have an extreme sense of determination and passion for their craft; this is the time old tale of a small town band making it in the big city.

20 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 MANCHESTER

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picture: Lauren Noble

picture: Lauren Noble

Norfolk Street, City Centre

With the plastic wrapped scaffolding, and numerous safety posters this is site isn't for the faint-hearted. Edgy and bold, this site will show the raw side of Manchester, with a side of clean modernism. This site comes fully furnished with eccentric, Northern Quarteresque posters as well as the fresh smell of bin juice eminating from the city.

Cross Street, City Centre

picture: Lauren Noble

St. Anne's Street, City Centre

Now this site is something a bit edgy. The corrugated black sheet metal tries to mask its true beauty. But with the added "yellow rubble slide" it gives it an element of modern chic.

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With a highly informative safety display, and lots of fences, this side alley site is one for the adventurous.

8

New Transport Links, Oxford Road

Everyone in Manchester knows that Oxford Road is constantly being worked on. This time we have the transport links to thank for these spontaneous fluorescent orange pathways through the building chaos. This utopia will be disappearing soon when they inconsiderately finish improving the road. How thoughtless can the council be?

picture: Lauren Noble

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picture: Lauren Noble

Cavendish Street

ey, Manchester Met are giving UoM a run for their mon literally. With their own development on Cavendish ntains Street. The demolition crews, bulldozers and mou ent. onm envir ersity of rubble make for an intriguing univ

5

picture: Lauren Noble

UoM Campus Development

eous Someone obviously has money to burn. This gorg ing 3 storey, gutted building is a site for sore eyes. Mark g oldin scaff with the corner of Booth Street West dominance. This is definitely one to watch.

21 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 MANCHESTER picture: Lauren Noble

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New Student Housing Development, Oxford Road

Cranes, dump-trucks, hard hats; what more could you possibly want?! Did I forget to mention the fluorescent orange fencing? This is one big site, so come and enjoy it before they build the stupid accommodation block.

picture: Dan Spragg

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This prime location near the Aquatics Centre is a real 'exclusive,' it even has it's own sign saying so! How glamorous!

picture: Lauren Noble picture: Lauren Noble

Bus stop, Oxford Road

1

With hundreds of sweaty workmen, masses of machinery, and lots of noise pollution this is the ideal site in Manchester. Broken pavement and closed roads, two not-so hidden extras that come along with this city highlight. The sassy workmen really help to bring this site alive, the blaring bus horns and engines give it a sense of true city-life.

BY

Piccadilly Gardens

Millions walk through it every year, with many not even stopping to appreciate the beautiful metal fencing currently there due to renovations.

Which means you only have a few more weeks of these stunning fences left before they're taken away!

2

S ’ R E T S E H C N A M

Lauren Noble

Joint Editor

to the w e n u o now Are y get to k njoy o t t n a city? W roundings? E w sur done your ne e-seeing'? I've and it for you, going 's k r o w es in a leg p ten sit ent the extr o t y m id nd I've fou very res e e t a h t r ste d se Manche should try an r ty or visito ey leave the ci h t before

N E T P TO

‘SITES’

22 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 CELEBRITY

HERO OF THE ISSUE and the award goes to...

BRIAN CULLINAN for...

THE BIGGEST F*CK UP IN OSCARS HISTORY

BY DAN SPRAGG

image sourced from CC

H

ere at News Review, we like to celebrate the people who truly matter. So every edition, we decided to choose somebody who fits the profile of a true hero.

For Spring 2017, there was only one candidate on our minds from day one. Brian Cullinan, you absolute hero. As millions watched in sheer bewilderment at the chaos that erupted on the Academy Awards stage in February, we took it as an opportunity to recognise and honour the man responsible

image sourced from CC

cartoon: Lauren Noble

for the colossal mistake which saw La La Land declared the winner of the Best Picture award, until the actual winner, Moonlight, was announced.

As the dust settled, it became clear who was at fault for the error and Brian, we couldn't be more proud of you for what you have achieved in Hollywood, for it was he who mistakenly handed the back-up envelope for Best Picture to presenters Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. Brian Cullinan is

a Harley-riding, smooth-talking accountant who's been handling Oscar ballots since 2014, and it also emerged that Brian was directly asked not to tweet during the ceremony, and that handling the envelopes was to be his only focus. Brian, we want to thank you for defying that order and cocking the whole thing right up. It provided the audience and many television viewers with the shocking news that humans do make mistakes. Who knew?!

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED

TO SOCIAL MEDIA

BY LAUREN NOBLE

ca rto

on :

Da n

Sp ra gg

5

23 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 TECHNOLOGY

s age im ed

rc ou m fro CC

1. CONSTANTLY CHECKING THE DIFFERENT PLATFORMS

Is it the first thing you check when you wake up in the morning, and the last thing you check at night? You can spend anything between 10 and 30 minutes each morning looking through your social feeds, catching up with the events of the night before. It’s like your own little ritual you have to complete before you can start the day properly. Even if you haven’t got specific notifications, you’ll still scroll through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram just to satisfy your own curiosity about other people. It’s also semi-soul destroying, seeing people’s ‘perfect lives’, but you have to try and remember that what’s posted online isn’t necessarily the truth.

2. GET FRUSTRATED WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGE?

Ever sent a risky, urgent or important message, only to have them read it and not reply? It’s a horrible feeling knowing you’re being ignored on purpose, and in the age of ‘read receipts’ it’s pretty easy to know when someone is actively dodging you. However, some people really have an issue with not getting a reply, it’s been known to cause severe anxiety and stress. So the next time you think you’re being clever ignoring someone on purpose, either have the courtesy to reply, or just turn off the receipts.

3. ADDICTED TO TAKING PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING?

Do you walk around hunting for the perfect photo-op? Whenever you go out for food, drinks, a day-out or find some perfect selfie lighting, you just absolutely have-to-have a picture worthy of ‘the Gram’ (Instagram to be precise). We’re all guilty of it, Instagram is the place where we post the most perfectly crafted versions of ourselves and our lives in order to make ourselves look like we’re living the dream, something to be envied.

4. KEEP HEARING IMAGINARY NOTIFICATIONS

Have you ever checked your phone because you thought you had a notification, only to find that it was all in your head? This is taking the obsession to a whole new level of crazy. If you’re that addicted that you think people are constantly talking, tweeting, texting, snapchatting or liking your posts. You really do have a serious problem.

5. SPENT HOURS WASTING TIME DOING QUIZZES OR READING BULLSH*T ARTICLES JUST THROUGH SCROLLING?

Are you bored or just that sad? Do you really need to know what your spirit animal is? Or which Gossip Girl episode perfectly describes your life? I once wasted around an hour completing stupid quizzes about the Kardashians, finding out which sister I was most like and which one inspired my style choices. I DON’T EVEN KEEP UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS for pities sake. Doing quizzes and reading bogus articles is one of the most effective methods of procrastination available.

24 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 TECHNOLOGY

TECHNOLOGY Think of a world without it. No, I know. I don't want to either.

CC d from source image

BY

Dan Spragg

Joint Editor

September 2016 was a dark month in the world of technology. Apple could do no wrong, looking down on us peasants from the dizzy heights of financial gigantism.

But that all changed with their release of the highly-anticipated iPhone 7, and the mere thought of writing this piece had me gloomy for a fair few hours - but the stories of the survivors are what drove me on. I present to you: a survivor's tale of The Great Usurp of the Headphone Jack of 2016.

"It was just a normal da y to have the headphone jack. anybody else. I'd never He queued in seemed off ended. line for a phone before - I'd never "When all of your colleagues queued for anything for that long have a bran d new car, you don't before. The technology bug had sim ply set tle with your sh*tty gotten in me, into my so ul and Fia t Pa nd a. This phone was out through my wallet.

But I was my way of breaking into the fine with it. I was ready to accept inner circle of most respected the huge price. I was wi lling. em plo ye es, but instead, my life And that's when it happ ened. I has been ruined." paid for the phone, I go t home Mike spent the next few and that's when I realis months ed my trying to get back on his whole life had just turn feet, ed upside trying to ad apt to not listening to down." music while charging his As the tears fell from Mike phone 's eyes, I with support from friends and took the opportunity to offer him family, but it was no use. a tissue, and a friendly ha ndshake. "I've contem plated ending my The iPhone 7, to anybod y who lif e, I ha ve .

It' s not something wasn't aware, doesn't come with I'm pr ou d of, but half a year on a headphone jack. This me ans and I'm getting there - slo you aren't able to listen to wly. I music still live with the pain, an and charge your phone at d the the haunting memories. Bu same time, something M t lif e gets ike was in the way, it goes on an incredibly passionate ab d ever y out. day I'm thankful for my "Have you ever had some oth er thing iPhones - the better tim taken away from you? So es.

Th e mething 7 is just a bli p in an other wise you truly loved, enjoyed , or happy existence." something you knew yo u If you've been affected by couldn't live without? Th any of at's the issues raised in this articl what it felt like. It felt lik e, e Apple please call our helpline. Do had crushed me." n't suffer in silence.

I calmed Mike down, an d asked why he didn't revert back 0161 000 9882 to his old iPhone 6S, a phone tha issues@newsreview.co.uk t did

iPHONE 7: 6 MONTHS ON image sourced from CC

25 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 TECHNOLOGY

image sourced from CC

I

How hard is it to achieve a relationship milestone without broadcasting it on the Internet?

magine reaching your one year anniversary with your partner, or going on your first romantic holiday and not posting something about it on social media. Just take a moment to comprehend that, maybe sit down or fetch yourself a glass of water.

It's almost inconceivable, isn't it? Well I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to speak to a couple who recently celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary, and have not felt the need to go on about it on social media.

Lorraine and Paul Walters, who live in Bolton, say they've recently come under fire from friends and family for reaching several milestones and not telling everybody about it through Facebook, or posting a badlyedited, filter-ridden picture of a Pandora bracelet or bottle of Paco Rabanne's 1 Million aftershave on

Instagram.

"My friend, Candice, works at Card Factory in the Arndale and saw me buying a card for Paul on Saturday," Lorraine began.

"When I told her our five year anniversary was approaching, she immediately pulled out her phone and began looking for updates about it. She was shocked when I told her we didn't really do the whole Facebook thing."

Paul Walters remembers the birth of the couple's baby daughter, Rosy, quite fondly.

"Ten minutes after Lorraine had given birth to our beautiful baby daughter, the midwife entered with an iPad and began taking photos of the three of us. When I asked her why she was more concerned with taking photos of us than attending to our 10-minute-old infant, she said she was renowned for being the first to break the news on

Twitter. The whole concept just seemed strange to us."

The couple do have social media accounts, but only choose to scroll instead of post. So I asked them if it was truly hard to achieve a sentimental milestone without telling everybody about it.

"It's certainly been a struggle," Lorraine managed to stutter, almost choking on her tears. "We are really feeling the pressure more now than ever, we can't go for a meal without somebody asking us why we haven't taken a photo of our food."

This story emerges after last month's Instagram server crash, which left millions of users wondering what their friends had for lunch, and the amusing story of a couple who decided to call off their engagement following a disappointing response after making it Facebook official.

26 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 26 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 SPORT

DYLAN MADDEN MMU HOCKEY

BY

Dan Spragg

Joint Editor

Hockey is one of the most underrated and blown over sports in the UK. It lacks the spectacle of ice hockey, the outrageous wage of football and the television coverage is incredibly minimal. However, it is emerging as a highly-respected game following the success of the GB women's team in Rio 2016, and is gathering more and more attention in 2017.

FACT: Dylan has played for his country, Wales, at U16 level

Sprag g

picture: Dan Spragg

pictu re: D an

But where does the interest in this sport truly begin? Some would argue interests develop early on in university sports teams and clubs, but Dylan has been playing hockey since the tender age of 7. And now, even through university and the struggles of balancing training and games with the masses of work (and as an engineering student, it's not exactly dotto-dots and colouring in) and maintaining some sort of social presence, his passion for hockey hasn't faltered one bit. I caught up with Dylan at his training ground at the Armitage Centre, to talk about sport at university level and how he copes with the pressures of performance.

27 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 27 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 SPORT

picture: Dan Spragg

Dylan featuring in a 6-2 loss against rivals University of Manchester How did you get into hockey and why do you still continue to play?

Hockey was an important part of my life growing up as my family encouraged me to play a sport that wasn't necessarily mainstream, so I was able to focus on actually playing the sport and improving my game instead of getting distracted by other influences that surround more popular sports. I continue to play because it's become enshrined in me to want to play and enjoy hockey, and joining MMU's hockey team was a stepping stone.

How difficult is it to maintain lots of different factors while still performing for your team?

It's not as difficult as you'd imagine, you still get a lot of time to yourself and time to focus on your studies. That's one of the

things that I admire about university sport, there is always enough leniency to get your work finished. Studying is always treated as number one. Obviously as an engineering student, it's pretty full on but we train once a week and usually play once a week. If it's an away game, it's the travelling that gets in the way - it's pretty timeconsuming.

Why do you think hockey isn't as popular as other sports, such as football or rugby?

Hockey isn't as popular for a lot of reasons, and one of the main ones is that we don't get the funding which means we don't get the publicity. It's also a non-contact sport, which can be less exciting for a casual observer and we don't have the whole 'show.'

For me, I don't mind that it's not as publicised as other sports. It means, like I said, I can continue to work hard on the pitch without getting distracted by conning the ref, or diving and cheating, or anything like that.

Would you recommend joining a sports team at university?

One hundred per cent I would recommend it, but you have to

“That's one of the things I admire about university sport, there is always enough leniency when you need to get your work finished. �

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ensure you keep up with your work, and depending on which course you take - it can be tricky. It's all about finding the right balance.

It can also give someone confidence and helps them to make friends.

Joining a sport team is like joining a family, we fight for each other and we're all great friends.

Do you see a future in hockey?

I'd love to say yes, but I don't know if I'll have a future in actually playing the sport - especially professionally or anything. I've done some youth coaching back in Wales and really enjoyed that, so I might aim to get my licence and perhaps coach a junior team one day. I also wouldn't mind training to become an umpire. But I think those are the only two roles I could see myself doing after I finish university. But for my immediate prospects, my degree is in engineering, so I just want to focus on doing as well as I can.

28 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 SPORT

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TEN THINGS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

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4

image sourced from CC

Following the sacking of title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri, Leicester City have decided to go a step further and sack the entire kitchen staff for failing to turn water into wine.

Chairman Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha clearly stated his expectations to the catering team at the beginning of the season, but chef 'Big Baz' and his staff have still not been able to transform tap water into red wine per instructions.

LEICESTER SACK KITCHEN STAFF

Dan S

Joint Editor

5

Spragg

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29 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 SPORT

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Unbelievable s USA the in w y d a r B m To the 51st timoeme r fo l w o B r e c Sup ance' doesn't

SPORT

min The word 'do ese days, n in sport th e ft o o to d n arou USA after ly applies to the u tr d or w e th t y bu SuperBowl victor ve ti cu se n co st their 51 m ngland Patriot To E ew N y. ar u br in Fe d of the ctory for The Lan the Brady ensured vi 34-28 victory at g n lli ra th en an Free in er seen Texas. "We've nev in m iu ad St G R N pe of never see this ty d u' yo , it e lik g anythin ith the ccer or the one w so in cy nt ou m had para FL spokesman C N id sa " ll, ba ed egg-shap Zachary.

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Steve McClaren, who has already managed Derby County twice, has applied for the vacant managers position at Derby County - just hours after being sacked as the manager of Derby County.

McClaren has said he intends to use his famous Dutch accent should he be invited for an interview, as he thinks it will "give him an advantage" over English managers.

The club has taken his application into consideration.

THIRD TIME LUCKY?

10

Join us on a journey through the top ten most talked about sport stories in the last couple of months. We hope you didn't come here for the real news...

Arsene Wenger only staying to anger Piers Morgan

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger says he will sign a new contract in the summer, but only to p*ss off presenter and columnist Piers Morgan.

Morgan is known for his rants about Wenger on the popular social networking site Twitter, reaffirming his opinion often by using various hashtags such as #WengerOut, #ThanksForTheMemories and #ImAMassiveTosspot. Wenger has responded by signing a new two-year deal, and says he's "delighted" he will have the chance to continue p*ssing off Piers Morgan for at least two more years.

Tennis umpire inspired to start new sport

Following being wiped out with a tennis ball while officiating a tennis match between Canada's Denis Shapovalov and Great Britain's Kyle Edmund in February's Davis Cup tournament, umpire Arnaud Gabas has been inspired to start his own sport of Getting Angry With a Decision and Hitting the Ball at the Person in Charge. The new sport, which is set to take Europe by storm, will see referees in all sports purposely make an incorrect decision just to be clouted with the ball. In a statement, he said: "I enjoyed getting hit really hard in my eye with a tennis ball, I thought other referees should have the chance to get involved."

Cricket still boring as sh*t, confirms everyone

"We'd just like to clarify that yes, cricket really still is leading the way in being the most boring sport to grace the earth," said absolutely everybody in the world in a joint statement.

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30 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 ADVICE

A: We're kind of in the same boat here, I'm missing my dog too (but not to this crazy extent).

You really should stop going to the dog park, it just seems to be making the situation worse, on the other hand if you're really serious about the whole dog-napping thing I'm sure we could think of a feasible plan. Like, for instance, if a dog is left tied up outside of a shop you could always untie it and see if you can convince it to come with you, if you can then technically you didn't dog-nap it, you just asked it nicely on a date.

But I wouldn't advise trying to nab one whilst it's still wiht its proper owner. Might lead to an awkward converation.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

A: This could come across as being it's supposed too), GROW A SPINE. Or have the word 'doormat' stamped forehead? But I guess if you really face telling someone they can't use could always just buy extra and be a housemate who shares. I mean, do of others?

GOT A PROBLEMO? WE PROBS CAN'T FIX IT

Q: Right, this is going to sound really weird but I just needed to tell someone. I've just been to see the new Beauty and the Beast film, and I found myself being attracted to Lumiere!

This has happened before as well, when I watched The Lion King, I started having feelings for Simba. I'm so ashamed of myself. I just wish Disney would stop making such attractive animations. What should I do?

Sent in by Sophie

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rude (which do you just on your just can't YOUR milk, you considerate you even think

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

WE WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH?

We're always on the hunt for new questions we can satirically answer for the sake of filling a page in our magazine. Jokes.

Send us your questions and you could be featured in our next edition!

submissions@newsreview.co.uk

A: Well, this is interesting. From the sounds of it, you've got something called Schediaphilia (translates to 'weird as hell'), which is when you feel love or an emotional or sexual attraction to a cartoon. Which is just plan freaky if you ask me (which you did).

My best advice would be to completely avoid animated films so you can try and lead a somewhat normal life; or in couple of months you could be one of those people who try and marry a teddy. If you do have a wedding, feel free to invite us, we love a free bar!

from CC

Sent in by Chris

Q: I'm not usually one to complain or need to ask for advice, but this has been going on for a while now and it really needs sorting out. I'm currently living in a shared house with "friends", and I've reached the end of my tether. I'm the only one who buys milk and they all use it. I never have enough for my morning bowl of Cookie Crisps. How do I get them to stop? Sent in by Katie

image sou rced

Q: I need some serious help. I've been at uni for nearly 6 months now and I'm not been able to deal with being separated from my dog, Boots. He's my best friend and my soul mate.

I just need some cuddles with a dog soon or I'm going to go crazy. I've even started staking out dog parks just so I can see them running about. I don't know what I'll do next, but I have been thinking about dognapping. Please help me!

31 // NEWS REVIEW / SPRING 2017 YOUR VOICE

STUDENT

MOANS

STUDENT

CONFESSIONS

A selectio no see anyth f confessions and ing you r moans fr eco om university life? Is th gnise? Do you ha students all over ere a bur ve any str We want the UK, ning secr to know w et you ca ong feelings abou hat you'r n't hold in t e thinkin g, just so any long er? we can a ll have a laugh.

I’m so cheap that I’ve been using my flatmates expensive shampoo and conditioner for months. Forever thankful for shared bathrooms

Paying for a bus pass to uni and then only using it for 6 months, what a joke

My flatmate alway s washes her chicken in the sink before she cooks it

ate m t a fl y m h t i I slept w k and e e w ' s r e h s e during Fr o look t e l b a n e e b I’ve not e, it’s c n i s e m a s e at him th nths o m 7 y l r a e been n image sourced from CC

Havi ng bills to sort o u a hass nd rent i t my own some le, can’t s a righ t I one to do just pay it for me?

My lectures never last more than half an hour, what am I paying £9K a year for?

I’ve managed to avoid taking the bins out since January, I think this is called winning

Why don’t lecturers plan assignments around my social life, it’s just inconsiderate

I’ve been secretly stealing my flatmates meat, and they don’t suspect a thing because they think I’m a vegetarian!

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO MOAN ABOUT, OR SOMETHING EMBARRASSING TO CONFESS?

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picture: Dan Spragg

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