4 minute read
READERS SCRIBES
READERS’ SCRIBES SOMETHING TO SHARE?
GEAR CRASH
Policeman: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Salesman: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
VIRUS
“Hey, IT officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware!”
MILKING THE COW
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
CLEAR THE KITCHEN TABLE
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it!
I ASKED THE SURGEON
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic. He said, “Sure, knock yourself out!”
HAVE YOU HEARD
“Did you tell the hairdresser that what you said was in strict confidence?”
“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”
WORST JOB ON EARTH
“I must have the worst job on earth.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I work at the circus as a human cannon ball and I get fired every day.”
THE WORK OF SIX SALESMEN
During an interview, the young lady interviewing for the position was surprised to hear the HR manager say he was looking for someone “to do the work of six salesmen.”
The lady replied: “That’s a shame. I was looking for a full-time job.”
DO YOU REMEMBER STAYING IN A HOTEL?
Old-world charm: No bath Options galore: Nothing is included No extra fees: No extras Nominal fee: Outrageous charge Standard: Sub-standard Deluxe: Standard Superior: One free shower cap Cosy: Small All the amenities: Two free shower caps Plush: Top and bottom sheets
YOUR CV SAYS
Interviewer: “Your resume says you take things too literally.”
Me: “When did my resume learn to talk?”
DRINK AWARE
“Say, buddy, what’s a ‘Breathalyser’?’’ asked one drinker to his friend at the next bar stool.
“Well, I’d have to say it’s a bag that tells you that you’ve drunk way too much,’’ answered the equally wasted gent.”
“I’ve got one of those indoors”
A LOT OF MILEAGE
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Judi, “as long as I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said Judi’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the clock in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied Judi, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
BEST DIET EVER
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
JOB INTERVIEW
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.
The man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.”
“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”
“Yes, he did,” the man replied.
“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”
“Yes, he did,” the man replied.
“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”
“Just once,” the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”
The man said, “I was looking for my father.”
IT’S ALL IN THE DELIVERY
Three comedians are shooting the breeze in the dressing room of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much that they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number.
“Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.
“Number 53!” says the second person, and they howl.
Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets.
“What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”
“Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
HIDE AND SEEK
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?
