READERS’ SCRIBES SOMETHING TO SHARE?

Dog Rescue

My son and I were walking our small dog when he took off after a duck and jumped into the river. A nearby German tourist jumped into the river to save our dog.

When he’d climbed out, he said, “Here is ze dog. Dry him off, keep him varm and he vill be fine.”

We thanked him profusely, and my son asked him, “Are you a vet?”

“VET?” he exclaimed. “I am soaking!”

The Lion And A Bull

A lion was stalking through the jungle one day when he came across a bull. The lion and the bull got into a tremendous battle, but in the end the lion killed the bull and ate him up. The lion was so pleased with himself that he threw back his head and roared and roared. The noise attracted a hunter who followed the sound until he found the lion. The hunter took aim and killed the lion with a single shot.

Moral: When you are full of bull, it’s wise to keep your mouth shut.

Stop Following Me

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a “BUMP....BUMP.... BUMP...” behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him....”BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...”

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster.... faster... BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything... all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin.

Suddenly, the coffin stopped.

College Jokes

What do you call the ritual of giving honorary college degrees to celebrities? Artificial Intelligence.

Wee Cough

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, I could use a week off!”

Googled My Symptoms

I’ve been feeling a bit moody and run down recently, so I googled my symptoms to see what I have. Kids…I have kids!

Colour Me Purple

I just found out I’m colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

BAWK BAWK

Chicken 1: “Bawk bawk!”

Chicken 2: “Bawk bawk!”

Chicken 1: “I can’t believe we haven’t come up with a new sound yet.”

Chicken 2: “Perhaps we need to think outside the bawks.”

Peruvian Owls

Peruvian owls are always hunting in pairs. It’s because they’re Inca hoots!

TWICE THE VIEW

IT serviceman “So, what seems to be the problem with your monitor?”

Print shop owner: “Well, it has double images. I hope the two of you can fix it.”

BOSSY BIRDS

How many parrots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They say, “toucan do it.”

HEART MURMUR

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw

Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc... ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’’

The doctor replied, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.’’

OH, NOT AGAIN!

Password is incorrect. Password is incorrect. Password is incorrect. Clicks ‘forgot password’. Change password. New password can’t be old password.

Frustrating Jobs

When you have a mad rush business card that is never picked up, keep a few in your car in case you bump into someone in the car park. Just leave one on the windscreen.

No Jogging

2020: Didn’t jog. 2021: Didn’t jog. 2022: Didn’t jog. 2023: Still haven’t jogged. This is a running joke.

Ai Jokes

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.

It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …Real Stupid.

I hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo? It’s one smart cookie.

Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they’re never wrong.

What do you get when you cross a wall unit with artificial intelligence? Shelf-awareness.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program. The robot beats the human in every category.

It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again.

The robot doesn’t move whilst the human wins because Robots can’t reCAPTCHA.