I WANT TO USE MY VOICE

Two months after turning 33, I sat in the consultant’s office and heard the words ‘that little lump, is actually breast cancer’. Life as I knew it seemed to freeze and I was transported to what felt like another world.

Over the next 12 months, I underwent surgeries, hormone treatments, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy. I continue to receive endocrine treatments and biyearly infusions for at least another 4.5 years, to reduce my risk for the future.

Up until the day of my diagnosis, I’d been working on finding new medicines for cancer patients, as a Global Senior Clinical Trial Manager; my job of the last 12 years. Suddenly, I was the patient. I always believed it was important for patients to advocate for themselves and for their voices to be empowered. Receiving my own diagnosis reinforced this.

There was no one more invested in my health than me, so I dealt with my diagnosis by researching and being proactive in my treatment plan. This gave me a sense of control in the unpredictability of it all. Every choice and treatment had potentially lifechanging risks and consequences. Knowing I had made informed choices at each step of the way, helped me make peace with these decisions.

From my research, I realised that only 4% of breast cancers are diagnosed in women under 40, and at 33 my risk was less than half a percent. According to statistics, I had a lower-than-average risk of getting breast cancer for someone my age, as I had no risk factors, such as family history, and was very health and fitness conscious. I rarely checked myself and it was just by chance that I came across a lump a few weeks earlier.

I discovered that young age was negatively associated with good prognosis in breast cancer, particularly for under 35s. As most breast cancers are diagnosed in women over 50, the majority of research to help inform decision-making is tailored to this age group. It was challenging weighing up the pros and cons of treatments, without knowing how much it would benefit me as an individual. I was against the odds in getting cancer, so I decided that I would carve my own path.

As a qualified Personal Performance and NLP Coach and reiki practitioner, I merged the best of my medical research knowledge and coaching and wellness knowledge. I spoke to oncology professors and experts in integrative oncology and naturopathic nutrition, as I wanted to formulate a plan personal to me, that would give me the best chance of success. Alongside traditional treatments, I integrated meditation, dietary approaches, including fasting, and alternative therapies, such as 3-weekly mistletoe injections, to help to support my body and enhance the benefits of treatment.

Getting a diagnosis can floor you, initially I would wake up every morning with a mixture of dread, grief, fear and anxiety about the future. However, I try to be more present in the moment, feel acceptance and have a positive focus by rebuilding my health and living life purposefully.

I want to use my voice, of the researcher and the patient, where my two worlds have met, to raise awareness and further research, so that breast cancer outcomes can be just as good for younger women. I want to encourage self-checking and being aware of what is normal for your body, especially in younger women and men, where breast cancer is rarer and where there is no nationwide screening.

In April 2023, I took part in the Breast Cancer Now fashion show at the Science Museum, alongside 23 other models living with or beyond breast cancer. It was an amazing event and electric atmosphere with all our family and friends and supporters of the charity. It was an honour to be asked to be the model speaker and to share my story, which I delivered wearing an iconic Dame Zandra Rhodes dress, whilst she was watching in the audience! I feel proud that my speech collectively reached over 52,000 people in the audience and across live stream!

If sharing my breast cancer journey prompts one person to check themselves or to seek medical help for something unusual, then I feel I’ve made a small difference.

I have always struggled with self-belief. When I was a teenager, I was ambitious and wide eyed, but this soon got suppressed by the traditional system in which I studied Indian classical dance. My enthusiasm and curiosity got misunderstood for arrogance and so I was tamed to tone it down. As the years went on, I became a better dancer but a more shy, selfconscious person. I went from being blindly confident to fearfully timid.

As I got older my emotions only became harder to manage and the more success I achieved, the more I lost another layer of confidence and self-belief. I was cautious of not letting my ego get in the way, as I had seen others in my industry do. Having learnt with renowned teachers and watched world class performers, of whom I couldn’t see anything except a bubble of ego surrounding them.

I tried to be the opposite of that; pushing myself as down to Earth as I could, wanting to be known for my humility, until I realised even that desire in itself was a subtle form of ego. I would put 100% into everything I do, only to come away feeling doubt and wondering if I had done enough.

When it came to branching out into other areas away from dance, that lack of self-belief followed. Like a silent companion lingering away in the background, reminding me that ‘I am not enough’. Occasionally I would attempt to ‘face the fear’ by taking on a challenging situation and even feeling a sense of accomplishment, before being once again knocked down by someone’s negative comment or feedback. It was a constant rollercoaster of selfdoubt, which held me back from being true to my work. It remained present in everything I embarked on, until I discovered the root cause.

It was through my introduction to Reiki healing that I discovered the chakras (energy channels). I learnt specifically that it was my solar plexus holding me back, the radiant yellow power centre responsible for one’s self esteem. Being aware of this and meditating on it regularly allowed me to ‘let go’. Let go of my desire to be humble and let go of my desire to be confident. Instead, I focussed on simply being me. Do I have self-belief now? Well believe it or not, there are still days where I doubt myself for a fleeting moment but then I swiftly move on. I remain open minded, curious, and willing to learn. I make mistakes, but I am ready to put my hands up and say I could have done that better. When I teach, mentor or coach I feel as though I am on a journey with my student or client. I no longer see myself as the one who needs to have all the answers. When they achieve success, it’s their success not my ego’s. Equally, when they do not get the desired results, it’s because they’re not ready, not due to anything I am lacking.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her that she IS enough. I wish to embrace her and say “you are going to do good in the world”. Perhaps by now she would have done more had she heard those words. Or perhaps that process of feeling small was a subtle way to magnify her...Time will tell, for now I am not focussed on having self-belief or ego - I am just being authentically me.

Website - www.journeywithnikita.com

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‘Journey with Nikita’ was launched by Nikita who combines her range of skills as a Yoga instructor, Reiki healer, Meditation facilitator and NLP Life Coach, to holistically support men & women of all ages, through their personal development journey.

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