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Malden Catholic High School – A Xaverian Sponsored School – 66 Diamond St., Malden, MA 02148
The Onion Edition: Headlines
Popeye Works at Malden Catholic? J. Toomey
Questions have arisen as MC’s own janitor, John Ruelle, was seen on a boat in the Atlantic eating a ridiculous amount of spinach. Ruelle who was found in a Medford gym bench-pressing three plates, was questioned about all of the speculation and commented, “Ah-gah gah gah gaaaaaah...” only to fuel… cont. on page 23
Former President Senier 15’ Speaks Out to Endorse
Brother Tom Fahey, C.F.X. Starts Dance Team C. Schwarze
Malden Catholic is proud to announce its first ever dance team. This spring any student can try out for the new varsity club, which will be coached and moderated by campus minister Br. Tom Fahey, CFX. Br. Tom, who has over three decades of professional breakdancing experience, says the dancing will be centered on today’s styles…cont. on page 19
From Teacher to NFL Superstar? Patrick Donnelly
Pokorny Loses Voice: Relays Assignments By His 2nd Language Sound Effects Benjamin Pierce Homework due when I return:“Sproing sproing sproing, dingdingdingdingdingding woooooooooowwwwwww, hrrmmmmmmm, roar bark meow, yeah ye-ye-yeaaaahhhhhh, huh? Wuuuuhhaaatttt!?! Due next monday: “Bing?!?!” and...cont. page 27
C. Schneider It has taken longer than some have predicted, but President Brian Senier 15’ has endorsed Mr. Robert Michael Thomas Gregory III to run for US President. President Senier was quoted saying, “DC needs a more Whole Foods, trail mix, limousine liberal.” Recent polls have Gregory surging to the front of the pack with President Senier’s endorsement. Trump plans to sue…cont. on page 17
人，并拥有2艘炮艇支撑在其大西洋的霸权 实力。1985年，冈比亚威胁将动用1000人3 天占领苏联全境。1995年，冈比亚威胁将派 出远征军横扫欧洲大陆。2002年，冈比亚 声称要派人占领美国。2007年，冈比亚表示 派1000人足以遏制中国在台海的行动。2013 年，冈比亚再次威胁称要3小时内占领台 湾。在冈比亚的扶持下，中国定能稳固其在 亚洲的霸主地位，并以此为跳板，成为继冈 比亚之后的第二宇宙强国。
What Are You Looking At? Answered!
Students Take Open House Too Far
Brett Thomas
C. Schneider
After a year of debate and deliberation, the famous question that was posed to the students by Mr. Gregory last year has finally been answered. The student council will be releasing their lengthy answer next Wednesday. Cam Zahner, the Student Council President, has stated that it will shock the nation because… Cont. Pg. 18
Two seniors stationed in the chemistry lab during this last open house were asked to “put on a display.” Brian Liwo 16’ took it one step further turning AP Chemistry Teacher Mrs. Scialdoni in Dr. Suess’s Oobleck from 1949 children’s story “Bartholomew and The Oobleck.” Classes to be taught by…cont. on page 13
The newest teacher here at MC, Mr. Matthew Highfill, had a lot of potential in football after playing quarterback in high school known for his right arm python hose. It seems as if his dreams have been realized since his favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles, are looking to solidify their quarterback position and have offered him a professional tryout. Naturally, he always has his Feifan Chen YouTube channel to fall back on if… Cont. 近日，非洲国家冈比亚与中国恢复外交关 Pg 22 系，中国终于有一个宇宙强国来当靠山了！ 冈比亚坐落于西非国家塞内加尔之间，国力 旺盛，军队多达800人，后来又扩充到1000
冈比亚与中国恢复外 交关系
April 1, 2016
CRYSTAL 66 Student Newspaper
Malden Catholic High School 66 Diamond Street Malden, Massachusetts 02148 (781) 322-3098
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF LIAM LYNCH-GALVIN
EXECUTIVE EDITOR BRETT THOMAS
STAFF WRITERS JOE TOOMEY VINCENT SWIERK PATRICK DONNELLY BEN PIERCE JOHN CORBETT MATT OTERI NICK HU JACK ALBANESE GEORGE BIDGOOD FEIFAN CHEN CORY GOLDSTEIN WILLIAM RILEY
FACULTY ADVISER MR. CRAIG SCHNEIDER
THE CRYSTAL 66 IS BY NO MEANS FACTUAL OR A REPRESENTATION OF TRUTH. IT IS MEANT TO BE SATIRICAL, WHIMSICAL, AND OUTRIGHT FUNNY. PLEASE TAKE NO OFFENSE AS WE ARE JUST GOING FOR A LAUGH
Reporting on current events and publishing student opinion, we at the Crystal 66 hope to inform, challenge, and entertain our readers, and allow students an outlet to communicate with their peers. If you would like to contribute to the paper, submit an article, or offer your suggestions, contact any editor or Mr. Schneider in Room 218 To place an advertisement in the CRYSTAL 99, contact: Craig Schneider (781) 322-3098 (ext. 365) The Crystal 99 is published by School Publications Company
N EWS Headlines Continued...
NEWS 2
which should get my point across From the Weight Room characters, well…” cont. on page 43 to the Library MC Student Athelete C. Schneider Coach Brink is in line for a major promotion in Found Stuck In Gym the position of Library Assistant after MC higherups have noticed his uncanny ability for keeping Rafters a room quiet. When asked for comment, Coach Brink said, “Stop talking…stop talking…you are quiet…wait…you are only as quiet as your weakest link.” Ms. Cenca will carry out Brink’s duties in the short term as…cont. on page 15
Decline in Twitter Popularity; Headmaster Heads to Instagram
C. Schwarze Malden Catholic’s own beloved headmaster Thomas Doherty is about to make a substantial change to his life. In a recent interview with the Crystal 66, Doherty said “Since I spend the majority of my time on social media, I want my opinions to not only be well known, but also enjoyed by others.” With only an available 140 characters to express thoughts, the headmaster put his brain to use to find a more efficient way to do so. “Since a picture is roughly equal to 1,000 words, and the average length of a word in English is 5 characters, using a multiple derivative integral means I can use photographed images to get around 6,875
Matt Oteri Yesterday, Mr. Bavaro,the gym teacher here at MC, discovered a senior stuck in the rafters of the Doherty Gymnasium. Ian Dolaher was recovered from the rafters around 11:45 yesterday, unscathed. The senior was practicing the high jump for the New Balance National Championship when he hit the ceiling. “I just kept going up, I hit the ceiling which stinks because I could’ve kept going.” Nusery rhyme no longer “the cow jumped over the moon,” but “the Ian jumped...” Cont. page 13
Trouble in the Snow
George Bidgood The adjustment to New England from Texas for Mr. Highfill has been a bit of a learning process as our treacherous winters seem to have gotten the better of him; although, there has certainly not been that much snow this year. When it did snow, the commute was a bit of a struggle because his horse and buggy got stuck in the snow. Since he is always prepared, Mr highfill busted out the sled and continued on his way to… Cont. Pg 90
Habitat for Humanity: We Build Homes... For Animals By: John Corbett Staff Writer The Malden Catholic Habitat for Humanity Chapter has always been about serving the homeless, but now the students build for animals. Whether a new farm is needed for cows, or a rabbit plantation must be provided for a new litter of bunnies, the Malden Catholic Lancers will answer the call. Many students might already know that a group of selfless Lancers along with Mr. Francini and Mr. Ghiloni will be going on a five day build in Connecticut over April Break. However, an additional build has been planned, and you guessed it.....for animals! Instead of enjoying some off time during April, Malden Catholic students will be headed for Abilene, Texas. Not only will they be enjoying the green pastures, but they will also be putting up new livestock fencing and individualized cow sheds. Last year’s fundraiser brought in almost $10,000, and the school’s campus chapter plans on doing the very same. All help will be needed if the Lancers are to complete their goal of building over forty doghouses for the rest of the year with any left over to send a couple of students up to Alaska in order to build salmon catapults. Vice President Jack Albanese was quoted in saying, “Those fish are always jumping about up stream; wouldn’t a catapult save time and energy?” Member Shamus Coyne doesn’t want to stop there. “The City of Malden has asked our help in creating a ‘Center for Ants’ and if those little fellas need a place to go about their day to day, we’ll build it for em. Plus Ultra!” Please help in any way possible, and join the Malden Catholic Habitat for Humanity Campus Chapter to continue serving the animal community.
APRIL 1, 2016
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News
NEWS 3
Smith Versus iPad Games Max Doherty The most prolific court battle since the OJ Simpson case has just ended. On Wednesday, Judge Lyla Kern revealed that the jury ruled in favor of Mr. Smith in Smith vs. iPad games. This groundbreaking ruling essentially puts an end to gameplay at MC. The three week trial was full of arguments and testimony that made the jury’s decision extremely difficult. Smith, represented by Jose Baez and Marcia Clark, argued that iPad games are a detriment to the learning environment and unfair for teachers who are trying to teach students. However, iPad games, through testimony by famous games such as Madden Mobile and Flappy Bird, showed the adverse emotional effects such a decision would have on the games. Additionally, iPad games said students who played games would be bored and not paying attention either way. But, in the end, the jury sided with Smith and said the games were not to be played in school. After the decision was revealed, Smith held a brief press conference outside the courthouse. Before starting, he told reporters to stand up straight, made good eye contact, and pay attention. He then stated, “This day is a great day for the MC community. Now, students can actually learn about history and English instead of how to beat a game.” iPad games also spoke, indicating their extreme displeasure with the decision and vowing to take the case all the way to the Supreme Court. Marcia Clark, Smith’s leading attorney who was also a prosecutor in the OJ trial, also released a statement, saying, “This victory has made me feel vindicated. I have felt guilty about OJ for the past 20 years, and this victory makes me feel great again.” However, the trial is a double hit for Malden Catholic students. The iPad games get banned, and students should expect a significant tuition increase next year in order to pay the lofty legal fees.
EasyBib 2.0 Easier Than Ever Before Benjamin Pierce Everyone is thinking, how can EasyBib, everyone’s favorite way to cite a source, get any more efficient and simple as it already is? Well the database has released its latest version, and here are the new steps to citing your source: 1. Copy the link of your website into EasyBib. 2. Retrieve your source citation access key. 3. Bring your printed access key to the easily accessible External Affairs office. 4. From there, the office will send your code to the easybib headquarters in the city of Manaus, along the Amazon River. 5. When you receive verification that they have received your key, EasyBib private airlines will retrieve you from MC between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. 6. In Manaus, you must cross the Amazon River and search for the brown-spotted crocodile. 7. Once the crocodile is found, look inside the its mouth. Inside will be your completed source already in MLA format ready to go! Happy Citing!
April 1, 2016
E D I TO R I A L S
EDITORIALS 4
Concerned Pets Speak Out Vincent Swierk Dear Mrs. Davidson-Heller, My current situation is quite delicate. With a whole room to myself I feel that I am the king of the world. But with one minor situation that is starting to freak me out. Recently there was a tan dog that was put into my territory. I tried playing with it, even going to the extremes and offering some of my carrot to him; however, he does not seem to move. Day after day, he lays on his stomach beside my bed. I have started to feel uncomfortable with the idea that has recently come upon me, which is that he watches me while I sleep. I have become fixated with this thought and can’t get his presence out of my mind. I have decided to name the dog, Mr. Dry Eyes because there is no one way in the world that his eyes aren’t dry. I mean he doesn’t blink! Putting Mr. Dry Eyes to the side, I would like to talk about my bed. I strongly believe that every night I willingly sleep in a cage. Granted, I am nocturnal and there is a huge doorway out; however, I am not the skinniest rabbit around. My one pet peeve is that when I have to go use the bathroom, I end up smacking my face into the side of the cage at least four or five times before finding my way out. All the while, Mr. Dry Eyes is laying in the dark staring at the ground. What can be so interesting about the ground? I don’t think you understand how frustrating it is. At my request, I ask for him to be removed from my designated area. On another note, my food situation needs to be discussed. I require high quality carrots to keep this body in shape. These guns don’t come from processed foods you know. Yet, sometimes I come across some bad carrots. Believe it or not, I can tell if you get the carrots from Whole Foods or Stop and Shop. There is a huge difference, while Whole Foods carrots are bigger, Stop and Shops are smaller but juicier. For future reference I prefer Stop and Shop’s. Please consider my mild complaints and hopefully I can stay as a resident for years to come. Sincerely, Grahm
masterpiece. My favorite work was the photorealistic portrait of the beloved MC janitor Jesus, and I titled this work “On The Third Day He Will Wash Again.” I can barely afford to feed my hatchlings, I have to resort to feeding them week old lunch specials out of the dumpster. At this rate my family and I are going to be evicted from our nest in weeks, but I’ll continue to do what I love. I’ll come to MC everyday, jump in Mr. O’Donnell’s hair, and teach kids how to draw like no one else can. Sincerely, Pablo Picawwwwso Benjamin Pierce Dear Heatha Murphy, I’m gettin ti-ahd of living in this environment. The cone of shame is too much to beah. Who cares if I got fleas? I really don’t like the cone of shame. Instead of researchin’ Hahvard on naviance I want to be a free-spirit dawg runnin’ in hahvahd yahd. I need to get back to my roots in Bahstan. Dahgs ahen’t supposed to be “guided.” I ain’t a student. I’m a dahwwwwwwg. So I wanna get dirty with the boys in the dahg park, not with the common app workshop in the computer office. So a shift from your day job to a less-civilized life would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Chowdah
William Riley Dear MC Community, Hey guys I’m Skippy, “my wife’s good for nothing turtle,” as Mr. Francini likes to call me. I think he’s just joking around when he calls me that, but I can’t be too sure. Is my tank kept in the basement out of love? Sometimes we plays games such as: throw the turtle, belittle the turtle, or roll over the turtle with a yoga ball. I really like roll over the turtle with the yoga ball; Mr. Francini always comes so William Riley close to getting me, but I’m able to scurry out of the way slowly but Dear MC Community, surely. He’s always asking me what my plans for the future are, or I’ve kept quiet for all these years, but I can not wait any if I’ve signed up for an account on naviance, but I’m not really sure longer. Strangers do not know me, but my friends call me Pablo what he’s talking about. Picawwwwso. All the wonderful portraits that are hung around Sincerely, the school, well, those are mine. Wherever we go Mr. O’Donnell Skippy makes sure that I’m always tucked away carefully in his hair, just in case something needs to be drawn. I yank at his locks, which indicates which way to stroke the paint brush. As Mr. O’Donnell sits back and relishes in all the glory, I wait and envision my next
APRIL 1, 2016
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EDITORIALS 5
Story Time in the Dining Commons How Mr. Murray saved My Life Dave Lennon It was a beautiful and sunny afternoon, and my family and I were going fishing at Horn Pond. Our lines were being continuously tugged as fish latched onto the hooks, and it seemed as if our rods came to life with all of the sporadic movement of the fish, trying to wrench themselves free. We mostly caught sunfish, but we were able to snag some good sized perch out of the water. We released all the creatures we caught back into the water, as they were much too small to take home. Their lack of size, however, did not prevent them from being avid swimmers in the dark and murky water, which I would soon be immersed in. Here is the story of my fall into a dark and cold abyss, as well as who came to rescue me. It all started when I was left alone with my brother, while my mother and sisters walked around the pond. He was having a very difficult time casting his rod far out into the water. I, of course, being the big brother that I am, wanted to help him and show him how a “pro” would do it. I took the rod out of my brother’s hands, took a few steps back, and lunged forward with gusto. Before I could see were the line had landed, I was teetering on the edge, and soon I lost my balance and landed head-first into the water. I went down to the bottom of the pond like a missile about to hit its target. While near the sandy floor, there were long and wicked weeds that were wrapping around my legs. Snapping turtles the size of a large dog slowly came toward me, about to chew my head off. I truly thought it would be the end of me, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see the light of day again. However, as soon as I thought these sorrowful words, someone dove into the water and pulled me to the surface. It was none other than Mr. Murray! My English teacher, who was practicing for an upcoming triathlon at the pond, saw me fall in. He joked that now he had practice for two events instead of just one. I felt embarrassed at first, but I soon became so grateful that I had forgot all about this unfortunate event. Only now am I reminiscing about my plight, and even to this day I regret ever having touched that rod, which now sits at the bottom of the pond, being watched by wandering eyes.
I Had The “Eye of the Tiger” C. Schneider
(though at six feet in 8th grade he wasn’t small). Therefore, I didn’t shoot that much. Like at all. Better to just keep moving it around and keep “the peace.” That and So there I was…115lbs Mahone literally told me not to shoot unless it was gosoaking wet with a ing to go in. The guys that could really shoot, Coach bowl haircut that was Barns would send down to shoot threes on the opposo aggressive it could site side of the court before practice. I was not one of Not pictured: Mahone, Orlando, and Bae-Bae (they had cut diamonds, pulling those guys, though with all my practice in the driveway detention) on my white and green of 78 Phelps Rd., Bird and Me vs. Jordan and Pippen (we it finds nothing but twine. 16-10. All four of my teamIlling Middle School usually won), I should have been. So in that moment, mates just look at me with shock and jog back to half of Manchester, CT #23 pulling on my jersey and slipping into my Neon Yellow court as I see South Windsor not paying attention and Ram jersey getting InstaPump® Fury Reeboks (that I had to have in part due go for a steal. Swiped clean from the in-bounder, take mentally prepared to to Dee Brown winning the NBA Dunk contest…man I two dribbles to the corner turn and fire. As soon as it left face the South Windmiss those shoes….look them up, straight fire), I decided my hands I knew it was in. In my head I could hear “NBA sor Cougars in a game I was going to let it fly. Open or not, the first chance that Jam TE announcer yell, ‘he’s heating up’.” 16-13. South of basketball. I was by I was going to get a look, I was going to take it. Jogging Windsor brings the ball down…yada yada yada, scores no means the All-Star onto the court for warmups with “Eye of the Tiger” by a layup. I blame Mahone (he was lazy). 18-13. We come of the team, but I could Survivor playing (my teammates hated it…I pretended up the court, “Motion” (bet they didn’t see that one complay defense with my like I didn’t), it felt like lead singer Dave Bickler was sing- ing…like going to see the Titanic in theaters and somelong 13 year old lanky ing to me. In the huddle, Coach reads off the names, “Or- one coming out says “did you know the boat is going to arms that could only be lando, Marlin, Mahone, Bae-Bae, and Anthon.” That’s ok, I sink?”). Orlando to Mahone, swing pass back to Marlin, described as “noodle wings.” I could also shoot. Coach Russ Barns must have was a team player and knew when I got on the floor, that dumps it down to Bae-Bae, kicks out to Craig at the top seen this in tryouts, because I did get some minutes even I would make it count. Mid-way through the first quar- of the key. As it leaves my hands (I’m pretty sure there though I’m pretty sure he didn’t know my real name. In ter we are down 16 – 7. Barns yells down to end of the were two groans) I audaciously say “glass” (out loud… fact, the other starting four didn’t know my name. This bench, “23” (which he very rarely even subbed…I mean not on purpose). 18-16. We play a little defense and the isn’t even an embellishment. Illing’s normal finest start- look at our team...we are better suited to win a most like- quarter comes to a close. Three 3’s in about a minute ing lineup included Orlando, Marlin, Mahone, Bae-Bae, ly to have never been to a weight room award). I look and a half. Back in the huddle, I’m pretty sure my face and Craig. One called me “White-Cuz.” One called me down to remind myself that I’m 23 (that no one else on had a smile like it was Christmas morning while Barns, “White-Chocolate,” while one just called me “Cocoa” the team wanted because we all knew we weren’t Jor- Orlando, Marlin, Mahone, and Bae-Bae looked at me like for short. Orlando was the one that brought the ball dan), and hopped up to the scorer’s table. Orlando runs I was a coelacanth (what was thought to be an extinct up and called for “motion.” That was pretty much 90% “motion” (weird) and I run under the hoop and get the prehistoric fish that was just recently found off the coast of our tactics. I ran around trying to get open, usually ball off the shoulder behind the three point line and let of Madagascar) in utter disbelief. I think it was Orlando dumping down low to Bae-Bae like Steve Kerr to Dennis it go. I literally hear Orlando say, “no…don’t shoot…” as that said, “I didn’t know you could do that.” The rest of Rodman in the early the game was more or less a blur, but I’m pretty sure we 90’s. Similar to Dennis went on to lose that game and I’m pretty sure they still Rodman, Bae-Bae got didn’t know my name. What I do know is that the next angry easily and you day at practice Barns told me to go to the other side of didn’t want to mess the court to warm up. Was it the greatest shooting diswith him. Marlin was play by a 13 year old in the greater metro Hartford area the swing man/power in the mid 90’s? Probably not, but it sure did feel like it. forward and Mahone Orlando Thompson Marlin Mahorn Antwain Mahone Quinton “Bae-Bae’ Craig Schneider was the small forward Spicer
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APRIL 1, 2015
PUZZLES 6
People, Faces, and Things Can you identify the following MC Faculty/Sta member? (faces created with the iPad ap MSQRD)
_A._________________________________
__B.__________________________________________
__C.________________________________________
__D._________________________________________
___E._______________________________
__F._________________________________________
___G._______________________________________
____H.______________________________
____I.______________________________________
April 1, 2015
MC Crossword
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Puzzles 7
Puzzles
Connect the Dots
Down 1.) Lancer Man’s Identity 2.) Theology Textbook 4.) Mr. Driscoll’s Brother Across 3.) Mr. Gregory’s Middle Name 5.) “Tenders and _______” 6.) Number of Starbursts Thrown by Shah Sean Arria
Spot The 7 Differences
Two Truths and a Lie...
Brett Thomas Answers are located on page 11 Mr. Pinabell History
1.) After playing college baseball, I received offers to try out for numerous professional teams. 2.) My workout routine that was detailed in the last onion edition was in fact 100% true. 3.) When I order a steak out at a restaurant, I ask for it to be served raw.
Mr. Gregory Theology 1.) I will adopt all of my Theology 2 students at the end of the year. 2.) I will return to Georgetown University and guide the basketball team to the NCAA Tournament once again. 3.) I was honored as the best basketball announcer in the Catholic Conference at an awards ceremony.
Mr. Price Admistration 1.) I average 67,700 fitbit steps a day walking around MC. 2.) I wear a MC ‘Shadow Shirt’ underneath my shirt and tie at all times 3.) My favorite activity is smiling. Smiling is my favorite and I consider my smile better than my cousin David Price’s.
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APRIL 1, 2016
PAGE 8
Liam Lynch-Galvin
Superlatives
Mr. Craig Schneider Science Department
Br. Tom Fahey C.F.X. Campus Ministry
Most likely to be a St. John’s Prep transfer student posing as a teacher
Mr. Eamonn Casey Theology Department
Most likely to be the knight that led the Crusades
Mr. Dan Price Acedemic Administration
Most likely to use shoe polish instead of shampoo
Most likely to be the long lost son of Sid from Ice Age
Mr. Alexander Kissel English/Foreign Language Department
Mr. Matthew Highfill English/Social Studies Department
Most likely to offer you help at a hardware store even though he doesn’t work there
Ms. Angela Lee English Department
Most likely to have his own Youtube channel on obscure card/ board games
Mr. Robert McCarthy External Affairs
Most likely to scare Mike, Sully, and the rest of Monsters Incorporated with her sock
Thank You Notes Thank You... Navin Brothers... for giving us the nutritional variety we need to be healthy: ranging from chicken fingers with fries, to milkshakes, to chicken fingers with fries. iPad’s... for giving us the educational tool we needed to thrive in the classroom for giving us the ability to be the best Madden Mobile players in the CC. Lancer Link... for showing us an awkward picture of ouselves but not letting us see our grades or assignments. Wifi... for making it easier to text our friends in class than conduct research on acedemically acclaimed websites.
Most likely to be a part of a Barbershop Quartet
APRIL 1, 2015
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S Sports p oUpdate rt s
Jack Albanese
True Lancers The Malden Catholic Lancers are finally living up to their name, as the members of the Equestrian Club have formed the Jousting Club. This club will begin competitions next spring, and competitions will be held at King’s Court. King’s Court, which was soon going out of business, has just been purchased by Malden Catholic to host the events. The club received support from all of the faculty, who strongly believe the Jousting Club will soon capture a state championship. Headmaster Doherty has also approved the construction of stables in the arena to house the six horses recently purchased. If you would like to contribute to the funding of the Jousting Club, please try to attend the upcoming fundraiser, date and location to be announced. The funds raised will help purchase the finest armour and lances for our beloved Lancers (new uniforms pictured below). If you are interested in joining the club, make sure to attend the next meeting.
to discontinue MC’s powerhouse to keep matches fair between other competitors. However, the Malden Catholic team has decided to take up the new, developing sport: chessboxing. This intriguing sport involves p y , who alternate from rounds two players, of chess to rounds in the ring. This sport combines mental skill with physical skill, and in order to win. A player has two primary options: knockout in the ring or checkmate on the board. Mr. Murray, the team’s coach, is jubilant about the transition to the World Chess Boxing Organisation (WCBO), for he believes the team will have even more success. Most of MC’s players are used to the mental component, yet with some practice punches, the players are confident in their ability to succeed. John Graf was quoted saying, “I’m excited by the prospect of trying something new. I mean, I’ve got a mean left Rook.” The conference MC is joining is the best in state, yet the MC players still look to have numerous championships in the coming years.
MC Chess Team? With all the championships the Malden Catholic Chess Team has captured in recent years, MIAA authorities have decided
SPORTS 9
Badminton Recruit William Riley 17’, is currently being recruited by Santa Clara University to become a member of the Bronco’s badminton program. Riley, a badminton enthusiast since his participation in middle school club wants to extend the opportunity to other students as well, so he has proposed forming a badminton club at Malden Catholic. The club would allow students to be introduced to the game and even compete in a competitive league. The road has not been easy for Riley, for in middle school he was faced with a devastating injury that severely limited his play. However, Riley did not stop there, for he underwent surgery and was forced to complete strenuous physical therapy, and then he continued to work and eventually regained his status as a player. Nothing could stop the train that was Will Riley; he was knocking off opponents in minutes on the court. From there, Riley excelled, becoming the number one recruit in the nation, and now he is seriously considering playing for the Broncos.
DeNisco & Healy To Go D1 Brain Liwo This year, Malden Catholic’s Varsity Quidditch team has been breaking every record put before them. Led by star chaser Fred DeNisco (‘17) and strong beater Troy Healy (‘17) the team now boasts a 11-0 record. The two juniors have already accepted D1 scholarships to Dartmouth and MIT respectively. Coach Mr. Ryan Wood (distance relative to Oliver Wood current Puddlemere United reserve keeper and former Hogwarts Gryffindor captain) offered this comment on the team’s success, “Our team had been struggling for the last few years. This season, our team has really come together and played up
DeNisco prepping for a shot.
Healy readying to hit a bludger
to their potential. Our senior captains have stepped up and provided a great example for the younger kids. We are very grateful for MC’s support throughout the season, and can’t wait to compete in the state tournament in the coming weeks.” The team will be playing St. John’s Prep tomorrow night and begin the playoffs next week.
Healy and DeNisco showing off their MC college acceptance pennants
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S p o rt s
For Malden Catholic Senior, Next Step Was an Easy Decision Corey Goldstein
Many prolific players have laced up for the Lancers in the school’s storied hockey history. Alumni of the hockey program include NHL’ers such as Keith Tkachuk; Hockey East players like Ryan Fitzgerald, Casey Fitzgerald, and Brendan Collier; and even a Collegiate National Champion in Mike Vecchione. Malden Catholic Senior Nick Botticelli, with the flashing of a goal light and a stroke of the pen, has entered into the elite club mentioned above. Botticelli’s overtime goal against St. John’s Prep lifted the Lancers to their fifth Super 8 Title in six years. A consistent top performer for the Lancer’s, Botticelli grabbed the attention of scouts all over the area with his postseason production. Malden Catholic Assistant Hockey Coach and Athletic Director Patrick Driscoll, having grown close to Nick over his four years at MC, offered this when asked about him: “I’m just super excited that baseball is starting up.” However, Botticelli decided to overlook prep school and junior hockey options for an unprecedented move. Exactly 48 hours after his last game as a Lancer, Nick Botticelli signed an entry level contract with the Boston Pride of the NWHL.
SPORTS 10
The National Women’s Hockey League (NWHL) is the continent’s premier professional hockey league for women. The first of its kind, the league recently concluded its inaugural season, with the Boston Pride winning the Isobel Cup. For Botticelli, signing with the Pride was a nobrainer.
Botticelli had this to say of his decision: “It [signing with the Pride] just felt like the right decision. At the end of the day, I honestly couldn’t see myself playing anywhere else next year. The NWHL is a great league, and the Boston Pride are a world class organization. I just can’t wait to finally have a chance to play with the big girls!” Head Coach Bobby Jay had this to offer: “We’re really excited to sign a player of Botticelli’s magnitude. He is a perfect fit for the league. The kid is big, strong, and smart. He is clutch, a natural champion. I personally think Nick will have a long career in the NWHL. He will undoubtedly go down as one of the best women’s hockey players in history.” Jayne Botticelli, Nick’s mother, had some final words to say about his decision: “I’m just so proud of my little Nicholas. We weren’t too surprised when he made his decision. Growing up with three older sisters and no brothers, Nick pretty much got used to only playing with girls. We thought he outgrew it, but it looks like Nick will always be just one of the girls.” Botticelli Being Scouted By Boston Pride While Playing for Boston Red Rangers
Intramurals: Looking to Join a Club/Team? C. Schneider
Drag Racing with Sal Meets every Wednesday in back parking lot at 10:30 PM
365 Day Challenge Club
Who wants a new challenge every month? Club meets January 1st for 15 minutes. Next challenge will be decided in 10 months.
Crotty’s Karate
Casey’s Cosplay Club
Lifting with Janitor John Ruelle
Br. Lydon’s Lawn Mower Racing
Know your “He-yah’s in Spanish and learn from a Master Black Belt. Meets in room 110 Tuesdays and Thursdays directly after school
Meets every morning at 3:30 - 7:30 AM. Bring a protein shake and a possitive attitude. Legs day not optional but madatory.
Fitzgerald’s Speed Walking Club
Built for comfort and not speed? Join the club that meets everyday after school for 47 mile walk. Bring aerodynamic onsie
Ever want to dress up like a superhero or just play with action figures? This clubs for you! Come to Campus Ministry on Saturdays from 9:00 - 5:00. See Mr. Casey (ussally dressed as Optimus Prime or Chewbacca...its a hair thing) with questions.
Meets in the Spring afterschool by facility garage. Fundraising this Spring for trip to Canada against Western Ontario Outlaws.
Meditation with Ms. Cenca
Club meets on the roof of the Learning Commons everyday for sunrise and sunset. Be prepared to snack only on organic tofu and berries.