CO MP LIM
mama life
ENT ARY
MULTI-AWARD WINNING BI-MONTHLY LIFESTYLE MAGAZINE
Issue 18 January - February 2020
BREAKING THE SILENCE ON
Domestic Violence
2020
Read the real-life stories of three STRONG women
e l y St in
Beauty SOLUTIONS
Confidence
FASHION
JANUARY
Meh or Magic?
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welcome to
MAMA LIFE ISSUE 18 Dreams are the seeds of change. Nothing ever grows without a seed, and nothing ever changes without a dream. Debby Boone Happy New Year to all you lovelies. May it be a year full of health, wealth and happiness. The year 2020 sounds so futuristic, we are so excited to see what this new year will bring. We haven't set any resolutions as they barely last 24hrs however we have set goals as we feel they are more attainable giving us focus without the pressure. Domestic Abuse is a subject that we are passionate about here at HQ. We wanted to Break the Silence and bring you stories from some incredibly strong survivors who are helping bring to light the realities of abuse behind closed doors whilst empowering victims to break away. Compiling this 10 page feature has been both emotional and rewarding and we hope that if you are reading this and you are or you know someone in an abusive relationship you will find the strength to reach out and make a change for the better. Thanking the lovely ladies Estelle, Raj, and Christina for sharing your experiences and joining us on our campaign and cover shoot. Also a massive thanks to our creative team, Emily, Rachelle, and Jamie. Veganuary is getting bigger each year. More and more people are choosing to have a plant-based diet. So whether you have gone Vegan or not, Luke's delicious recipes on pages 32-33 wil be a healthy addition to your weekly menu. Finally, it's going to be our 3rd birthday on the 10th February and we have some great giveaways in celebration. Head over to our social media pages to keep updated. As always, we hope you enjoy the read. Much love.
Meral Mehmet & Natasha Inan Editors-In-Chief
DISCLAIMER
Mama Life Magazine (mamalifemagazine.co.uk) is owned and published by Reel Media & Publishing Ltd No person, organization or party can copy or re-produce the content on this site and/or magazine or any part of this publication without a written consent from the editors’ panel and the author of the content, as applicable. The publisher (Reel Media & Publishing Ltd), authors and contributors reserve their rights with regards to copyright of their work. The copyright includes (and not limited to) The content syndication from the RSS feeds of this publication The content and/or images used in any of the articles of this publication The Mama Life Magazine logo and any of its derivatives The content on the Mama Life Magazine and its website are made available on the terms and condition that the publisher, editors, contributors and related parties: shall have no responsibility for any action or omission by any other contributor, consultant, editor or related party disclaim any and all liability and responsibility to any person or party, be they a purchaser, reader, advertiser or consumer of this publication or not in regards to the consequences and outcomes of anything done or omitted being in reliance whether partly or solely on the contents of this publication and its related website and products. Reel Media & Publishing Ltd (Mama Life Magazine) are not responsible in any way for the actions or results taken by any person, organisation or any party on basis of reading information, or contributions in this publication, website or related product.
ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 3
Content
8-9
10-11
12-13
LIFESTYLE
Beauty
FASHION
By Sue Frend
By Rachelle Grimes
By Emma @ Stylissimo
// January Meh or Magic
// Beauty Solutions
// Style in Confidence
BREAKING THE SILENCE ON
Domestic ABUSE Valentine Gifts 32-33
29
LUKE BAKER’S
KITCHEN 15-25
Mama Life Magazine is online: www.mamalifemagazine.co.uk
Mama Foxx's
37
Fabulous
10
Reasons Why Women Rule the Ruddy Roost
Finds
38-39
40-41
45
48
RELATIONSHIPS
Lifestyle
ASTROLOGY
By Wendy Capewell
By Susan Leigh
By The Secret Clairvoyant
// Ending a Relationship
// Do you apologise when you cry?
// January - February Forecast
Make 2020 your year Advertise your business with us 1. We work with you to promote your services
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MAMA LIFE magazine
PUBLISHER : REEL PUBLISHING & MEDIA LTD EDITOR IN CHIEF : Mel Mehmet SALES & ADVERTISING DIRECTOR : Natasha Inan SALES REPRESENTATIVE : Karen Agdeve COPY EDITOR : Susan Miller FASHION : Emma Russell BEAUTY : Rachelle Grimes FOOD : Luke Baker LIFESTYLE : Angela Foxx
contributors relationships : Wendy Capewell ASTROLOGY : The Secret Clairvoyant WELLBEING : Susan Leigh
GUEST contributors Lucy Dowson Susan Frend Estelle Keeber Christina Rosier Raj Holness Sian Hill
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Mama Life Magazine
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Contact: Editorial : editorial@mamalifemagazine.co.uk 01283 533 888 // 07956 643 433 advertising: advertising@mamalifemagazine.co.uk 01283 533 888 // 07816 861248 GENERAL ENQUIRIES: hello@mamalifemagazine.co.uk website: www.mamalifemagazine.co.uk COVER & DV EDITORIAL IMAGERY : Photography - Emily Moya Makeup - Rachelle Grimes Hair - Jamie Mitchell
next issue is out on the 9th MARCH 2020
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JANUARY
Meh or Magic? Do you embrace the hibernation phase or fight against it? Short days and longer nights often have a great influence over how we feel through the winter months. Either way we are going to go through it. Just like the plants in our gardens and animals in the wild, we have cycles too. Everything has a cycle: seasons, emotions even relationships. Sometimes your mood is up but your partner is down and vice versa. The best times are when you are both in a good place and the worst is obviously when you are both down. Just recognising our emotions means we can start to ride the waves. We can reduce the pressure we put on ourselves to always be upbeat. And we can have more compassion for others and their cycles. Do the advances in technology mean we have stopped listening to the rhythms of our bodies? Not only ignoring them but maybe pushing against them? Usually preceded with the words, “I have just got to do...” Are you good at registering your body’s rhythms and signals? Or is your body just the vehicle to take you around -- a head on legs perhaps? Burnout, looking like physical, mental and emotional challenges are on the rise. We expect so much from ourselves and each other. The elusive bar we keep jumping over is often the promise of something better than where we are right now. Talking of the elusive bar, that is often set when we are comparing ourselves and what we have in relation to others. Social media has a lot to teach us. It is often voiced that viewing others’ seemingly perfect lives serves as a false reality and can be the cause of distress by way of comparison. Playing devil’s advocate here, what if noticing how you feel was just the catalyst to recognise what it is that you do want? Not so much the product or place on display but to help decipher what feeling it has flagged up for you? Absolutely every action we take (doing nothing is an action) is about making us feel better on some level. It is either taking us ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 8
By SUE FREND
www.susanfrend.com
towards what we BELIEVE will make us feel better or holding us back from what we believe will cause us pain. Sometimes those actions are detrimental, but they are currently the best way we know how. Some things to consider: •Do you buy into the notion that if we are not happy then there is something wrong? •Do you recognise you have emotional waves? •Do you notice how you feel with different people? What if there is nothing wrong but you are on the low side of your emotional wave right now? What goes up comes down. This too shall pass. Our minds work constantly and will create stories so that we can “make sense” of how we are feeling. We will look for some reason to latch on to, to explain our moods often blaming the weather, the time of year, a person etc. Being animals ourselves, although highly sophisticated, we are still very much affected by others and they don’t even have to be in the same room! I bet you have had the experience of mulling something over around events of the past and it has affected your mood. We are also affected by the planets (eg. astrologically). We don’t need to start learning astrology unless that is of interest. But we would be more compassionate to ourselves by recognising there are several factors to our moods. Are you a woman who once a month feels out of sorts? Only to register it is to do with your hormonal cycle? Doesn’t that help to make sense and therefore let go of how you are feeling? I know it did for me. Oh, that explains it, phew. This might be the most recognised of cycles but they are happening all the time: the full moon, new moon and every planet in between. It really pays to note your energy levels daily and learn your own cycle, then you can work with that to your benefit.
So, if we are starting to notice our mood, what next? Well if there is any truth to the saying, “What we focus on expands”, then focussing on the downside of things only serves to make us feel not only bad but it can lead us on a downward spiral. Recognising negative things is not bad in itself because in that noticing we are gathering valuable information which can inform our questions. What is this about? How does it get any better than this? Our brains are designed to answer questions so if you are asking negative ones i.e. “how come I am rubbish at…” your mind will very kindly go and fetch all the possible resources from your history to prove your point. It is necessary and worth questioning ourselves, but how we do that has a real impact on us. Let us get back to the short dark days of January. What’s good about it? Using the dormant cycle of nature, we can sow the seeds of promise for the year to come. We can hunker down in this hibernation phase, preserving and gathering our energy; we can be preparing and planning for expansive times to come.
that might be heading my way. It is good to know this about yourself and in which contexts you use them to make yourself feel better. No blame necessary, just an awareness so that you can look to both sides of a situation. Did you know that an emotion will only stay with you for around 60 - 90 seconds? This is our energy in motion, that is unless you are registering that feeling and going into your head with stories and justifications of feeling this way. Eg. Focusing on what you or someone else has done or not done. The feeling is merely a messenger. Where in your body do you feel it? Get out of your head and put your attention on the feeling in your body. This signal sends messages up to your brain and then we try to make meaning out of them. We are meaning-making machines! Don’t shoot the messenger. Keep your attention on the located feeling without a story playing and it will dissipate. Fact!
What does that FEEL like for you? If every action is about making us feel better, then let’s cut to the chase. What feelings are you after? You don’t have to wait for anything to turn up in your reality to experience those feelings, we don’t have to chase anything.
Take stock of what you could pay attention to.
Typically, we set January intentions and New Year resolutions to change something we are fed up with. The trouble is that these goals are stated in the negative. Usually we are looking to stop some behaviour like smoking, addictive habits or to lose weight. Gyms are packed in January when people have had the last splurge over Christmas like the last supper, but the goal disappears as the will-power wanes. And we can feel a failure, again.
What don’t you want?
These are known as ‘away from’ goals and whilst they can be the catalyst to get you moving, they are short-lived, not nearly as powerful as ‘towards’ goals. We are talking carrot and stick here. I always think of the mighty Oprah to demonstrate this one. Such a successful woman on many levels and yet when discussing her weight over the years, she once was quoted as saying, “she didn’t want to have a fat butt”. This is a great example of an ‘away from’ goal and I wonder how her thoughts of having a fat butt made her feel.
What is good that you would like more of? Give a lot more focus on ways to connect to this feeling.
Turn it around: what is the opposite? State it in the positive because this will take you further. If you really give yourself time to explore these feelings, keep delving down answer by answer, until you recognise which of your core values it relates to. These core values when recognised will pull you through the challenges you might face along the way. But, please, please recognise that the ebb and flow of your feelings are cyclical; don’t give up unless you know in your bones that what you say you want is not really true for you. If you would like to join an online community to practice the good feelings that will change your neurology and therefore your world, join me at https://www.facebook.com/ feelgoodfocusnow/.
Getting back to January and us recognising that we are often not so ‘up’. We have just had Christmas and all that promised us. We have nothing to look forward to until _______. Fill in the blank. The more you have to look forward to, the less likely you have feelings to be down about. This is a good point to highlight that what we focus on expands. Do you have a tendency to look for what is right, or what might go wrong? Both are really useful and they both have their place. We will naturally have a leaning one way or another. Consider for a moment which one you might be? My mum, bless her, would always say when you have cleaned a room you stand at the door and look for what is out of place -- what is wrong with the room? I am by nature a positive person and will look to what is right, but I can do this to such an extent that I can miss what could go wrong and therefore not take actions to avoid the challenges
Sue Frend is a certified mBIT Trainer and Master coach with over 30 years in the personal development field. Her mission is to help people understand their inner critics and give them tools to find balance and improve mental and emotional wellbeing. She believes this should be part of our education. Prevention is better than the cure.
ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 9
Beauty Solutions BY RACHELLE GRIMES www.rachellegrimesmakeup.com
Medicated makeup products for Acne Clinique - Acne Solutions Liquid Foundation - £24.22 Dermatologically tested product that causes no skin allergies or side effects, available in 15 unique shades. www.johnlewis.com
MAMA LIFE LOVES
Witch – Naturally Clear Concealer - £2.63 Fight the spots whilst you hide them. Fantastic coverage and stay powder, all for a great price tag. www.superdrug.com
Neutrogena – Skin Clearing Oil Free Foundation - £10.34 The beauty brand who are regularly recommended by many dermatologists. This foundation offers micro clear technology which is the answer to all problems, resulting in not just a makeup but a cure. www.uk.iherb.com
Origins – Super Spot Remover £16.00 Just a dab of blemish-busting salicylic WILL instantly help skin look radiantly clarified. www.origins.co.uk
High Street Hero's Do you suffer with eczema or psoriasis? Aveeno Skin Relief Nourishing Lotion with Shea Butter £3.99 Boots.com
Babies suffering from colds and blocked noses
Do you suffer from breakouts?
Asda Little Angels – Vapour Bath 87p www.groceries.asda.com
Carbon Theory Soap £6 Carbontheory.com
Feel like you have dull skin? Aldi Lacura Healthy Glow £3.99 In store
Brushes Caring for your brushes is very important. If you don’t clean away the makeup off your brush after every use then your product will dry onto the hairs of your brush and create a hard film. This will result in an uneven appearance when applying your makeup the next time you use it. NYX – On the spot makeup brush cleaner £9.00 Boots.com Use this spray for a quick clean after every use to remove makeup. Johnsons baby shampoo £1.00 Asda.com Remember to clean your brushes at least once a week using gentle baby shampoo and warm water. Leave overnight to dry naturally.
Keep your tools clean Sponges If you cut a sponge in half, you would be very shocked about how much makeup is held/wasted in side of it. A sponge is usually used damp so be really aware of bacteria that can hold on a sponge. Regular cleaning and replacing is a must.
The DANGERS inside your Makeup Bag
Mascara – 3 months This is the item you should be most vigilant about as your brush is being put back into your product after every single use which could have come into contact with bacteria resulting in an eye infection. Remember if you ever notice any signs of eye irritation always throw your eye makeup away as the bacteria will be living in your mascara tube.
Foundations – 12 Months Keep foundations in dry environments and away from heat to avoid growth of bacteria and spoiling. Keep a look out for any change in colour or an off smell as this can mean your product is not safe to apply and would cause irritation and break outs. Lip sticks / Lipgloss / Lipbalm– 12 months
Beautyblender – Pure solid cleanser £15.00 www.cultbeauty.com
A lip product is constantly exposed to your mouth so for hygiene reasons a 12 month shelf life is recommended however if your lipstick ever becomes hard (making it hard to spread pigment across lips) your lipstick may have gone off BUT most importantly never share lip products as cold sores will spread very easy and be very dangerous.
how to clean your sponge 1.Dampen your sponge and the bar of soap 2.Massage the lather onto your sponge, rinse and repeat 3. Let your sponge air dry.
Lipliner Eyebrow Filler Eyeliner Concealer
*Top tip* This can also be used as a brush cleaner Real Techniques brush and sponge cleansing palette - £12.99 www.lookfantastic.com A fantastic aid to put in your sink to help clean those brushes and sponges.
Bronzer / Blush / Highlighter/ Eye shadow / Powder - 24 Months
ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 19
e l y t S Confidence in
By EMMA RUSSELL www.stylissimo.co.uk
I strongly believe there is a reason why women love clothes and makeup, aside from the natural instincts. I believe we can use these powerful tools to hide or enhance ourselves. As a personal stylist I believe clothes can enhance us, they can be empowering, creating confidence where we may have lost it, in both ourselves and in how we style our clothing.
Dress to suit your shape and enhance it – By wearing clothing which fits correctly, and follows the contours of our body, is the very best way to style ourselves. By wearing over-sized or baggy clothes to hide parts of our body, you actually have the negative effect of making your body look bigger than it actually is. By wearing well-fitted clothing you create the illusion of a slimmer version of yourself as you are not creating excess fabric and widening your body.
Shaped Ladies
A biker jacket is a great staple piece for all wardrobes, but is particularly good for those with a narrow waist and wide hips. The style of the jacket draws you in at your waist accentuating how narrow it is, the jacket often finishes on your hip bone which is great because this too is a narrow part of your body.
Style the biker with a pleated skirt and merino wool jumper to avoid bulk. I love this ombre skirt as the brighter colour draws attention away from the thigh area and the fabric floats over your thighs complementing them and slimming them down.
Nine by Savannah Miller £175 @ Debenhams
Marks & Spencer £49.50
A well-fitted floral dress is a great confidence booster! Why? It draws you in at the waist accentuating it, the handkerchief hem on this dress creates the illusion of longer, slimmer legs and ankles and my particular favourite thing to do when styling is to accessorise with a cross-body bag. The strap of the bag worn diagonally draws the attention down and across your body making you look taller, the pop of yellow here creates a focal point of the waist and hip bone drawing attention away from thighs. Dorothy Perkins Dress Price not available at time of print
A good wrap coat is also a great way to show off your figure, the belt draws in the waist creating the best silhouette of your body shape by not creating bulk around your waist, hips or thighs.
Dorothy Perkins Wrap Coat £75
Wear colours that suit your skin tone – By doing so you lighten and brighten your skin. If you wear black all the time you’re likely to feel that way too. While I’m not encouraging people to step away from black if that’s a go-to comfort blanket, I do encourage you to bring other colours into your pallete as black is very harsh on your skin and can create dark circles under eyes.
Hobbs Martina Jacket £199
By wearing colour you can also utilise colour pyschology
This is the use of colour to evoke emotions in others. A great power broker when you want to make an impression at work. By wearing a bold colour like this red blouse you give the impression of power, authority and success – a great colour to wear when you wish to impress. The bow of the blouse also creates a focal point – a focal point draws the eye to an area of your body you wish to draw attention to and away from other areas you may not feel comfortable with.
Dune Barelle £78
Style the blouse with a wide leg black trouser suit, and nothing says confidence more than a killer heel. The height of the heel makes you stand tall, setting your shoulders back and tucking your bum in which gives the illusion of someone with confidence – stand tall ladies and own it!
Zara Blouse £22.99
Straight up and down?
This straight cut jacket is great for those with no shape or definition at their waist, it will follow your shape perfecly without creating bulk. A check jacket is a versatile piece for your wardrobe, styled with boots, jeans and roll neck jumper for weekends. Or a cream high-neck blouse and black straight cut trousers for work – a power jacket will exude confidence and sophistication..
Hobbs Lottie Dress £189
A staple piece in your wardrobe is a versatile dress.
The Lottie from Hobbs can be worn loose and is a great piece for those with no definition at their waist as this dress is cut straight and will follow your shape perfectly. However for those with a defined waist, cinch in the waist with a belt to complement your shape.
River Island Mid Rise Skinny Jean £40
Monsoon Elite Jacket £80
Style it with the neck tied up and a boot for a formal work look or as here for a casual look. The hem of the skirt creates a focal point drawing attention away from the body and the print itself while black is broken up with nude so not to be too dark against your skin tone.
Understand and accentuate your body shape – Too often we are self critical, “my bum is too big, my boobs are massive, I hate my tummy.” Ladies it's time to flip our thinking! Please take a good five minutes next time you are dressed to go out and take a good look at yourself and choose at least 3 things that you like about your body. I bet they are things that friends and family have already pointed out and complimented you on in the past. These are what personal stylists refer to as “focal points”. When styling your clothing draw attention TO these areas, by creating a feature of them. By doing this you draw attention away from areas you may not like as much. You can do this through statement jewellery, scarves, hats, statement shoes, pattern or features around the neckline of blouses/tops.
The pleats draw the eye to the centre of the body making you look slimmer.
Zara Chain Necklace £12.99
Faith Aria Bag £39 @ Debenhams Next Leopard Print Scarf £16
Mango Pleated Blouse £49.99 Mint Velvet Fedora Hat £49 @ Next
By carrying a big bag, you create the illusion that your body is smaller. Carry a clutch handle bag in your hand, against your thighs to minimise them.
*Prices correct at time of print.
A colour or style consultation with a personal stylist can restore confidence in styling your clothing. Stylissimo offers a professional package which includes style advice demonstrating the correct shapes, styles and colour of clothing to best enhance your body shape and restore your confidence in your clothing choices. Starting from £125 receive a 10% Booking Discount when you quote Mama10, book your consultation today on 07712 048652 or visit www.stylissimo.co.uk for more information.
Academic & musical excellence for boys & girls aged 21/2 to 18
Feb 12
Welcome Wednesdays
Mar 18
Open Mornings for Pre-School & Juniors
May 6
9.00am to 11.00am
Jun 10
• Meet our wonderful teachers and pupils • Learn about the challenging academic curriculum and exciting afterschool programme • Discover the wide range of sports and music on offer • Small class sizes • School minibus service
Valentine Make & Bake
Crafts & cooking for 0-4 year olds and their parents Saturday 8 February 10am to 11.30am
Conveniently located just off the A51 SatNav: WS15 4PT
For more information, call Admissions on 01543 306168
lichfieldcathedralschool.com
@LichfieldCSchl
Green Gables, Longdon WS15 4PT | The Palace, The Close, Lichfield WS13 7LH
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be affected by domestic abuse during their lives
4.2% of men and 7.9% of
women suffered domestic abuse in the UK during 2018.
685,000 male victims & 1.3 million This equates to about
women
Murders related to domestic violence are at a 5 year high domestic abuse victims will have been assaulted 35 times before On average
16% of all violent crime least Domestic Abuse accounts for
reporting it to the police
likely to be reported to the police
On average 2 women are murdered every week and 30 men are murdered every year due to domestic violence. Resource:: Office of National Statistics www.ons.gov.uk
BREAKING THE SILENCE ON
Domestic ABUSE By ESTELLE KEEBER
To be honest…It wasn’t the title of being a domestic abuse victim I was dreading it was more the “single mum” title. A title that brings shame, embarrassment and stigma. A title that’s given to us…because we chose to end our relationship. When people hear the words single mum, you can see in their eyes, the pity at not being able to keep your family together. It was breaking up the family that made me stay in my unhealthy relationship for way too long. When children are involved it adds an extra layer of pressure. Not only will your choices impact you, but also your children. What I didn't realise was that by staying in an abusive relationship was already having an impact. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn’t suffering beatings every day… it was more psychological abuse. This, for anyone that has gone through it, is usually the worst bit. Bruises fade but the emotional abuse stays with you for much longer. The spiteful words, the put-downs, and the verbal abuse are all signs that things are not going to get better. If you are currently with someone who behaves like this and says they will change…don't hold your breath. So let's go back to 2008, I had just met my partner and after suffering from mental health issues I wasn't really in the right place to be starting a relationship. I was self-medicating and numbing the pain with drink and drugs. The relationship was unhealthy from the start. Not long afterward I fell pregnant with my first son. He saved me. My crazy 4 day weekends and binges were over, well, for me at least. Not long after finding out I was pregnant, the abuse started. Looking back, this was when I should have left. If someone can hurt you when you're carrying their child, there isn't much else they won't do. But I didn’t…and the abuse continued. Sometimes it was just a push or a shove, other times he would put his hands around my throat. One of the incidents that sticks in my mind was when he dragged me along the street by my hair in front of his friend (who did nothing). Again, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I was allowing myself to be treated like this. I remember neighbours asking me if I was okay days after -- in hushed voices -- as I passed on the way to school. Of course, I whispered back I was fine and carried on existing. I thought that having another baby would fix the situation and so we started trying. In the space of 2 years, I had multiple miscarriages and finally an ectopic pregnancy that cost me my ovary and almost my life. After this, my mental health was at its worst. I had been suffering from a very dark depression towards the end of my pregnancy and shortly after giving birth I requested to be sectioned. I truly believed that my children would be better off without me. What I didn't realise was that a lot of my mental health issues were being made worse by the situation at home. I was ridiculed daily for taking my medication. I was told that I was a shit mum that couldn’t cope, that everyone else manages with a new baby -- why couldn’t I? When I did try and fight my corner, he would leave taking all of the money we had, which left me vulnerable and powerless and afraid to argue back. This is something that a lot of women can’t see at the time. I know
I didn't, it’s control. Whether it's threatening you with something, actual violence or taking away things that would enable your escape. I think one of the worst instances was when he hid my glasses, knowing that I would struggle to drive without them. Looking back now, I'm shocked by everything that I put up with but I know that I wasn’t to blame. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I didn’t deserve to be treated in this way. So, what made me leave? It was nothing major. No big row or fight. Just a calm realisation that I wanted a different life. It doesn’t matter how many times people tell you to leave or offer help, you will only leave when you are ready and this time is different for everyone. Most domestic violence victims suffer over 10 attacks before trying to leave and even then it doesn’t always last. I spent months weaning myself off my medication. I knew that I was making a clearheaded decision. I knew that I wasn’t crazy like he had repeatedly told me I was. I was seeing clearer than I had in years. Now was my time. And so I made him leave for good. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Yes. Seeing my sons sob for weeks after made my heart break but I knew that what I was doing was for the greater good. Fast forward 5 years and I'm now cofounder of Mums in Business Association alongside my gorgeous sister Leona. In the last 2 years, we have helped hundreds of thousands of women grow their business, helped to create 102 Amazon best-selling authors and have launched child-friendly networking events in over 200 locations around the world. I've shared my story of struggle and success in our #1 Amazon best-selling autobiography MIBA Laid Bare. It is quite ironic to think that it’s thanks to what he put me through that I'm now flying as high as I am and I can't lie…the view is pretty good up here! Being able to support other women is an incredible feeling. Not only do we help educate and empower but by sharing my story I know that I'm inspiring other women to take that step to become the person they want to become. In October I had the pleasure of being invited to give a keynote speech alongside Karren Brady and Michelle Mone…little old me. As I stood on the stage sharing my story of how I went from the food bank to Forbes and a business with a 250k turnover in its first year I wanted to burst with pride. No longer was I a victim of DV, a single mum or a statistic. I was finally me…the me who had been waiting to emerge for so long. The strangest thing is I wouldn't change a thing. Everything I went through was for a reason. It made me into the strong and fierce woman I am today. I went through the struggles so that I could share my story and inspire others and that's what I plan to do. After all of the emotion it took to write this article, I wanted to finish on a high note…I've now found a beautiful human who treats me like a princess and we are getting married early next year. Create your own happy ending. If I can, you can!
A few weeks before my 20th birthday I met a charming young man. I hadn’t had much luck with guys, but he came along and swept me off my feet. He made me feel like a million dollars. I hadn’t had the easiest of starts to my life and desperately craved affection and love. When I was with him all my problems seemed so far away, he made me feel so loved and we had so much fun. “You don’t need to wear make-up -- you are so beautiful.” After a year of going out, partying at weekends, I fell pregnant. I was so happy as doctors told me it would be unlikely that I’d have a family due to my early diagnosis of endometriosis. My life felt like it was finally coming together until we had our first argument. I can’t even remember what it was about, but he started to get physical, pulling and shoving me. I was desperate to protect my unborn child and left the house in the pouring rain to stay at my friend’s house for the night. The next day he had a big bag of “sorrys” and was devastated at the thought of losing me. The thought of bringing my child into the world without her father was enough to give it a second go. My friend was not happy about this and found it hard to be happy for me. We had a few months of enjoying being young parents. He enjoyed celebrating in the pub being a new dad. But I was tired and distracted and time was passing by. The second time it happened my daughter was still a baby and again it was not a punch or anything that I considered to be domestic violence but in hindsight, it was the acorn growing into a mighty oak. I didn’t go out with my friends very often now, and any time I did I was made to feel like a slag for getting dressed up or wearing make-up. I was such a young mum I didn’t realize I was suffering from postnatal depression. I felt isolated and unhappy, but I didn’t understand why. I was happy with my daughter and being on our own. As time went by there were rare occasions of mild violence but they were always when he had had too much to drink and he was always so very sorry, and he would always tell me how much he loved me. And by now I’d mastered avoiding conflict by treading on eggshells when I sensed he was in a bad mood. We got married and moved to a new house and eventually, we had another baby. This time it was different. I didn't have postnatal depression, I felt so much more confident the second time around. My first year of maternity leave was also my daughter’s first year of school, so I got to see and experience all the firsts. During this time his anger issues had increased, and I still felt anxious. When I went back to work, I would always be accused of cheating or being dishonest. Everything was questioned, how short my skirt should be, why had the commute taken an extra 10 minutes’ drive, why was I wearing lipstick! The morning of my daughter's first Christmas school play, his rage was flowing. He threw me up against the back door and I thought I'd broken my back. An ambulance was called and so was his parents. His parents played it down as usual and even went in my place to the school play while I stayed at home, bound to the sofa in excruciating pain, praying my back would not be permanently damaged.
Looking back, it’s strange how that pain has healed far easier than the mental scars that remain raw all these years later. I’d be in a room full of people feeling alone and miserable, but I’d put on that big smile that hid my feelings; I buried them at the back of my mind like all my other past problems. His parents’ relationship was far worse than ours -- so much so I thought maybe my mother-inlaw thought I was a drama queen and should have thought myself lucky. I hadn't been beaten black and blue as she had endured, but I did not want this for my children. I couldn't understand how she accepted this behavior as normal?
I had to change the pattern, I had to be brave for them, but in some ways, it was easier to stay. I didn't want my marriage to fail like my parents’ marriage had, so I kept trying. I’d been to the doctor’s and taken antidepressants for a long period of time and there were long periods of no violence. But I didn’t realize my relationship was not just about violence, it was about control. My doctor couldn’t advise me to leave him but recorded the dates of violence should I have need to show evidence. He also asked me to report the incidents to the police. To this day, I still don’t think he realizes he is a narcissist. On the outside, everyone saw how in love we were and how attentive he was, not that he was jealous and controlling. Maybe everyone had fallouts, maybe I was overreacting. I would ask myself the question...would I have the same problems with another man, surely there would be more arguments as he wouldn't be their father? I couldn't talk to many people as they would say ‘just leave him’. Now looking back, I see it wouldn’t have mattered what they would have said as it took me to find my own self-worth and confidence to eventually separate. . One day whilst standing outside my daughter's school, I was handed a leaflet for a new Zumba class starting in the school hall. With the support of a friend I went; we stood at the back of the class, hiding under our big T-shirts. I enjoyed the loud and motivating music, watching the girls on the front row shake their asses to the beat of the funky music. It had been the first time I had enjoyed exercise since I was a child at dance classes, in fact, it was the first time I'd enjoyed anything since I could remember. I was hooked! I went every week and as my confidence grew, I started to chat with the other women there and made friends. For an hour a week, I was me and thought of nothing else but the dancing. It was my therapy. Sometimes, I would take the kids with me...rather that than miss a class. The children played with the other children and had as much fun as I did. Everyone was happy except for him! He demonized Zumba, my happy place! The classes increased to twice a week and then 3 times a week. I was “taking the piss”! Exercising 3 times a week with a bunch of women, yes, I was being very unreasonable! But there was a change in me, I was no longer trying to preempt his mood or pacify him. I didn’t want to give up having fun. I worked full time and I deserved to have some enjoyment, but he would rather me be at home, watching boring TV and going to bed early.
One hot summer evening I spent at my friend’s house, our daughters painting their toenails and sons playing in the garden. They were all similar ages which was great and we sat peacefully enjoying a glass of wine and eating pizza. At the end of the evening, we got a taxi home to find a very angry man. I could feel the tension. I put the children to bed and followed suit. I could hear him slamming around and muttering to himself. I knew things were about to get ugly. I decided to get in bed with my daughter thinking he wouldn't hurt me in front of her, but I was wrong. He came upstairs just as my friend texted me to see if I’d got home ok. He wrestled my phone out of my hand and threw it up the wall smashing it into a million pieces. He was trying to pull me out of her bed, the cat was scratching at my daughter in panic as I fought underneath him. A punch to my face and I stopped struggling, he dragged me to the top of the stairs demanding I leave. He pushed me from the top of the stairs, I must have passed out briefly as when I opened my eyes, I saw my son, looking down at me in disbelief from the top of the landing. He stepped over me on the bottom step. I was petrified, confused and hurt. I got out and ran. I didn’t know where I was going but I ended up running past a man walking his dog. I asked to use his phone and said my husband had assaulted me, and he asked: "Why did he do it"? Like that mattered, but the reason was that I'd been with my friend for dinner.
They arrested him and we went to court; he was found guilty and served 1 month of a 5-month sentence. He reported me to Social Services and then lost all contact with the children due to the emotional abuse towards them. He took me to court for access, but the courts also would not allow him any contact. Despite paying nothing toward the mortgage or upkeep of the property or even child maintenance, he wanted equity from the house. He also financially abused me when we were together leaving me in £35K of debt. Seven years later I am nearly debt-free. I have just bought him out, so we are now officially separated. All the hard work and emotional turmoil that I have endured to get away from him has finally paid off. I have met a new man, he is the opposite of my ex-husband and I am very lucky to have found him. He shows me he loves me every day, rather than just saying the words. We have been together for three years and enjoy a happy and healthy relationship. Happy endings do exist. Leaving him wasn't the easiest thing I'd ever done but it was definitely worth it. By CHRISTINA ROSIER
I realized I'd put up and shut up to avoid this exact reaction! I must have somehow deserved it, this guy who everyone thought loved me and was so charming - hurt me? Yes! I know this attack wasn’t as brutal as some women endure but I think it may be more common and affect more women who, like me, didn’t realize I was being abused. When the police came to take my statement, the questions they asked were textbook: did he do this or that? Yes, he did. Every question the answer was “yes”. And from that moment I didn't look back.
BREAKING THE SILENCE ON
Domestic ABUSE
Domestic ABUSE My name is Raj Holness, from fearful victim to fearless victor!
You never think it will happen to you. That’s the thing about abuse. It’s the thing that happens to other people, but never to you…well, so I thought! My abuse started when I was very young, at five-years-old. I was the daughter my family wished they’d never had. I was ugly, a disgrace, worthless and unlovable. I was broken. For over 20 years, I suffered at the hands of my family. It started with emotional and physical abuse. At the age of seven, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, my cousin and other family members started sexually abusing me. Financial abuse was the last to take place. There were multiple suicide attempts throughout my life. I suffered silently for years. It was all so normalised and acceptable behaviour from my family. Between the ages of 18 and 20-years-old I had two attempted forced marriages. One night I barely escaped with my life. Attempted murder and hours of horrific acts of abuse, all at the hands of my family. I finally got away from them…in the back of an ambulance. Broken, battered, and lifeless but I was free! Twenty-years-old and all alone, I finally escaped my family. Sitting in the police station, scared, ashamed, not even thinking straight. Too many thoughts and emotions were racing to try and make sense of what the officer was asking me. My head and body were aching, and all I wanted to do was sleep. “Would you like to press charges?” the officer asked. Fear gripped me; the love I felt for them was real, I mean I had been groomed for years, why would my answer have been any different? I couldn’t see them locked up. “No, I don’t," I replied. Not realising that if asked at a later date I may have said yes. I spent two years in and out of women’s refuges scared for my life, that my family would find me and finish their mission to end me for good and get back their honour. I remember there was very little support for my emotional, physical and mental wellbeing. I felt so alone and needed so much help but couldn’t find anyone to turn to. I was so alone and had no one to belong to. What was my identity now?
My perpetual unhappiness and brokenness forced me into the arms of a man. A man who was handsome and offered me safety and love, a man that would finally change my life. But after just escaping one prison, I was about to be forced into another, and the abuse started quickly. Coercive control, rape, humiliation, isolation and abuse were the main ingredients of our relationship. With nowhere to run and no one to help, I retreated to silently suffering in my prison and wishing for death to take me. Threat after threat made that if I ever tried to leave, it would be my last breath. But where would I go? One day, that was it. One rape too many, one attempted murder too many, and I screamed. I screamed for God to help me, I screamed for a way out of my prison, I screamed for strength and finally, I was out. Unrecognisable, broken, wounded, ashamed and lonely. However, I was finally FREE! Even though my abusers vowed to find me and kill me – I was no longer held captive in fear. I finally found my voice, my strength, hope and the courage to break free. With a new found love and faith, I converted to Christianity, which became my lifeline, joy and strength. All of my shame, guilt, trauma, pain and brokenness transformed into strength and hope and finally I saw a purpose to my life, a purpose for my being: to help others to be free and also break their silence. I started to put pen to paper and seven years later, my autobiography, ‘The Only Arranged Marriage’ was published and my public speaking was launched. Finally, I stand proud to have taken back the voice that was so viciously stolen from me. I broke my silence, reborn with one mission: an end to domestic abuse for good. I stand for all women who have ever suffered so no more have to suffer the same. The tragic truth is that so many women never got the chance to break free. I will continue to devote my life to being an inspiration of hope for the hopeless. To be a beacon of independence to the perpetually trapped and to be a friend to the isolated, inspiring them to break their silence. I am happily married to a wonderful man and my soul mate Andre Holness and together we have a beautiful daughter, Abigail. With many public appearances including The House of Commons and 10 Downing Street, a multi-award winner and over 1000 women, men and young people helped so far, I am incredibly proud and honoured to be doing what I do.
I am the Founder and CEO of my registered charity ‘Breaking the Silence’ which was formed to help others experiencing domestic abuse, forced marriage or human trafficking. Our Five Aims •Support and empower victims and their dependants from all walks of life to take back control of their lives and break the silence of their trauma, achieved through our ‘Building From Broken Pieces’ programme. •Educate communities and businesses on how to recognise and respond to signs of abuse, achieved through our ‘Behind Closed Doors’ programme. •Honour the former and current victims of domestic abuse, achieved through ‘An Evening of Honour’, our theatre productions and fundraising events. •Protect women and children who need to escape their domestic situation, to be achieved through Grace House, which will be our women’s retreat. I have vowed to create a safe and peaceful place for women to escape to and work on rebuilding their lives either independently or with their children. •Partner with corporate friends, so together, we can help more women break their silence. You now have a chance to make a very profound difference… Our important work would not be possible without the generosity and dedication of our partners and supporters. Everything matters, whether it’s volunteering, small or large donations, or partnership in support of our work. Also to help us to accomplish Grace House Retreat, which will be thoroughly appreciated by myself and all the team who give their time to support our cause. We would love to see you join us at our first fundraising & celebration black tie event as a registered charity. ‘An Evening of Honour’ -- A Great Gatsby theme held on the 7th March 2020 at Chateau Impney Hotel, Droitwich, West Midlands. The prestigious event is to celebrate and acknowledge those who managed to escape the clutches of abuse and to encourage others to do the same. Throughout the evening we will have testimonials, motivational stories of those who found the inner courage to break free and break the silence as well as celebrations and some wonderful treats. We will have women who are currently in a refuge attend (through sponsorship). This is so they will have hope and be encouraged to move on in their life and not be tempted to go back to the perpetrator. You can visit our website for more information and to book your tickets for ‘An Evening of Honour’ on www.btsuk.org. Social media: Twitter: @BTSUK_ @RajHolness Facebook: BreakingtheSilenceUK RAJHOLNESS Websites: www.btsuk.org www.rajholness.co.uk By RAJ HOLNESS
Domestic ABUSE
By SIAN HILL
Domestic abuse leaves a lasting impact on the lives it affects. You don’t just get over it, and the toxic effects of abuse can still show up and affect your life years afterwards. Despite increased awareness, domestic abuse is now at epidemic levels, and unless we start doing things differently, it’s a problem that is going to get a lot worse. We need to start having honest conversations about the reality of the situation so we can turn the tide on domestic abuse and create real lasting change. My own healing journey began in 2010, when my children and I moved 200 miles away from family and friends to flee an abusive relationship that had brought devastation into our lives and reduced me to a shell of the person I once was. Without a doubt, the most heartbreaking part of my journey was seeing how deeply it had affected my children. Although I was determined for things to change and tried everything I could to recover and help them, it was exhausting and nothing worked in the long term. After I suffered a number of health problems, my youngest son had a breakdown just before his 12th birthday, and I embarked on a mission to find answers and solutions. I immersed myself in learning and training and discovered the missing link that changed everything.
I want to make something very clear here. This is NOT victim blaming. While abuse is never your fault, you weren’t to blame, and you didn’t deserve it, recognising how it happened in the first place and taking responsibility for your future is an important and essential part of healing. Domestic abuse is a complex trauma. You don’t just get over it. Time doesn’t heal it. Left unresolved, it affects everything you do and don’t do. Trauma is not just a cognitive experience; it is deeply embedded into our bodies and nervous systems and cannot be healed by talking about it, thinking positively or reframing things… no matter how hard you try.
In recent years there have been huge advances in neuroscience research, and we now know so much more about trauma and how the body works than we have ever known before. This has deepened our understanding of domestic abuse, how it impacts lives, and more importantly, how we break the cycle of abuse.
For years now, support services for victims and survivors have been decreasing, and there has been an increased lack of long term support available, especially for parents.
We now have the ability to create real lasting change in our lives, families and world that just wasn’t possible until now.
Domestic abuse has a huge impact on children, and they don’t need to witness, hear or experience abuse for it to have a lasting and overwhelming affect on their lives.
That change starts with deep understanding, and changing the way we look at and think about abuse, healing, and parenting. Domestic abuse starts and ends with trauma. Abusers aren’t born, they are created. Although genetics has a part to play, the environment a child grows up in plays a much bigger role. In most cases, abusers are unable and unwilling to make the decision to heal. To do that you have to accept responsibility for your choices and actions, but they deeply believe others are at fault and to blame, so don’t feel there is anything to take responsibility for. Even if they do, their deeply embedded fear, shame and survival strategies mean they are unwilling to commit long term to the healing work necessary to create change. Early trauma is also the magnet that brings abusers and victims together, and why we don’t see, or ignore, the early warning signs of an abusive relationship. It also creates the perfect environment for trauma bonding to develop, making it very hard to leave an abusive relationship.
22 / JANUARY 2020/ ISSUE 18
But parents hold the key to creating real change.
The first few years our lives create the foundations for how we live our lives as adults. Without healing early trauma, these children grow up to be traumatised adults… and the cycle repeats itself. This was proved by the ACE (adverse childhood experiences) study. The cycles of family dysfunction and dysregulation have been passing down the generations for years, gathering momentum as it travelled like a snowball falling down a mountain, because we didn’t know how to stop it. While it was gathering momentum, our world was changing and evolving too. Healing trauma has never been more important than it is now. Unresolved trauma is the biggest problem we, our children, and our world faces. Healing trauma at the nervous system level, and unlocking our body’s natural ability to heal itself, holds the key to creating lasting change and turning the tide on domestic abuse. Creating real lasting change.
Domestic ABUSE starts and ends with
trauma
Children who are conceived and born where domestic abuse is present have a traumatic start to life, which affects their ability to feel safe, trust and bond. They suffer developmental trauma. They then repeatedly suffer overwhelming, distressing and frightening experiences which get trapped in their body, nervous system and psyche. They suffer complex trauma. They need therapeutic reparenting to repair that damage and fill in the gaps they’ve missed, so they can make sense of themselves and the world around them. ‘Normal’ parenting doesn’t work. This presents unique challenges for parents after abuse, especially when they are dealing with the impact of complex trauma themselves, their children have contact with an abusive parent and are managing ongoing trauma, and especially when the people and professionals around them don’t understand. Children need their non-abusive parent to be a few steps ahead of them with their healing to become the therapeutic parent they need and give them a brighter future. They cannot do this alone, and parents need the practical support, skills and strategies to do this. Our world has changed, and the face of domestic abuse has changed. We need to respond to that in a compassionate, courageous way, and start treating the root cause instead of just the symptoms. Deep understanding holds the key to real change. Our children need everyone to understand because they can’t. When we understand what’s really going on, it changes the way we look at and respond to everything. Things can change when we start doing things differently, start looking at abuse and parenting through a trauma lens, and start healing trauma at the nervous system level. Sian Hill is a mBIT master coach and educator, who teaches women how to heal trauma in their families after domestic abuse, create lasting change in their lives, for their children, and in our world, and find true freedom from their past. You can find more information and resources to help you heal yourself and your children. www.sianhill.com
The Buddy Bag Foundation supports children who are taken into emergency care, often as a result of domestic abuse. During this traumatic time, everything changes rapidly, and children often have to leave home in the middle of the night. We exist to support these children, providing Buddy Bags with essential items (from toothbrushes to pyjamas) and comforts (a photoframe, book and teddy bear) – helping to restore a sense of safety and security. Over the past four years, we have distributed over 25,000 bags to local refuges, but to reach the 15,000 children taken into refuge every year, we need your support. Making a difference to children in emergency care. If you would like further information please visit our website: www. buddybagfoundation.co.uk
As a publisher, it’s become increasingly evident to me that there are many people wanting to share their story. It may be a traumatic personal experience or you have a passion/business that you want to share with others. Whatever the story, you know in your heart it’s a powerful message that readers will benefit from. This is the start of your journey to publish a non-fiction book. At Team Author UK, we want to help you make this happen and have created a programme which will guide you from start to finish. Register by the end of January, and you will benefit from our early-bird package. Mention Mama Life – and you’ll receive a further 10% discount. What are you waiting for? This is your year to make a difference. It is time to #shareyourstory. Email sue.miller@teamauthoruk.co.uk for details before the end of January. www.teamauthoruk.co.uk
A SOCIAL WORKER'S PERSPECTIVE ON
Domestic ABUSE
By ANONYMOUS - SOCIAL SERVICES UK
Domestic abuse is one of the most common issues when working with children and families. One in four women will experience domestic abuse and around two thirds of cases within Children’s Services will have reported domestic abuse. Women are seen as being responsible for keeping their children safe and often report feeling blamed for continuing to put their children at risk by remaining in an abusive relationship. The Children Act 1989 states that the welfare of the child is paramount, however, the reality is far more complex.
I have been working with children and families as a frontline Social Worker for a number of years now and I have frequently worked with families where domestic abuse has been a factor in their lives. Some of these families have remained together, some have fled abusive relationships and relocated, and others have ended up in the family law courts in care proceedings. I have known both men and women struggle, to be honest, with those around them out of sheer fear of the consequences and others ask for help to leave relationships where violence, control, and manipulation have become the norm in daily life. Within research, one of the key arguments is that Social Workers struggle to gain trust within a system that sees domestic abuse as a hurdle that mothers must overcome, rather than a trauma through which they should be supported. Not all Social Worker intervention is negative. I would like to reach out to those that maybe feel trapped, or those that are ready to leave and let them know about the positives that can come from a trusting relationship with a Social Worker. Over my years in practice, I have seen families relocate with support given practically and financially, children settled into new schools and uniforms provided for them, and relationships rebuilt between parents and children. Children's Services aim to take a whole family approach where possible, and where safe to do so, as the safety of the children is of paramount importance. In working with domestic abuse perpetrators behaviour can be challenged and, in some cases, changed resulting in reduced risk. A Social Worker can also support both the victim and perpetrator in understanding the impact of domestic abuse upon children. Social Workers are able to work directly with children and young people to help them make sense of their lived experiences and to develop resilience.
Children say that they often deliberately position themselves so that they can see what’s going on. That it’s better to know what’s happening than to be in another room imagining the worst, wondering if this is the time things will go too far.
ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 24
Many children report seeing or hearing domestic abuse within their homes when their parents would argue that they had not witnessed it, nor had they been affected by it in any way. In addition to the support that Children’s Services can provide, there are links with other agencies that are able to provide domestic abuse counselling to both victims and perpetrators alongside help in understanding the impact that domestic abuse can have upon children. There have been cases where relationships have continued, and children are at a significant risk of physical and/or emotional harm as a result of domestic abuse. Assessments are then completed to determine whether the mother or father has the capacity to protect their children. These assessments should consider the complexities of domestic abuse and the control and manipulation that can take place to prevent safe decisions being made. If a child is deemed to be at significant risk, alternative care arrangements may be ordered by the Family Courts. These cases are in the minority. The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, Clare’s Law, gives members of the public a ‘right to ask’ police where they have a concern that their partner may pose a risk to them or where they are concerned that the partner of a member of their family or a friend may pose a risk to that individual. A Social Worker is often able to support in making a request for disclosure under Clare's Law. If they want to take action to keep the abusive partner away, they could consider getting an injunction to protect from more violent behaviour (known as a Non-Molestation Order), or a court order to sort out who can stay in the family home, for example, to stop a violent partner from returning home (known as an Occupation Order). If you have experienced or been threatened with domestic abuse, the police can issue a Domestic Violence Protection Notice and then apply to the magistrates' court for a Domestic Violence Protection Order. A Domestic Violence Protection Order can also protect victims from further abuse, and if they live with the perpetrator, ban them from returning to the home and contacting the victim. If the perpetrator does not keep to the Order, they can be arrested and brought before the court. A Domestic Violence Protection Order lasts for up to 28 days and gives victims time to explore their options and get further support. In conclusion, it is a common misconception that Social Workers swoop in and remove children. Research suggests that the best outcomes are achieved when children remain within their families. Ultimately social work is a ‘helping’ profession and Social Workers want to support children and families in improving outcomes and ensuring that children are not at risk of harm.
Domestic Abuse
in a relationship recognise it
There are different kinds of abuse, but it’s always about having power and control over you.
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading or violent behaviour, including sexual violence. In most cases, this is carried out by a partner, ex-partner, a family member or a carer.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse Does your partner ever: •Belittle you, or put you down? •Blame you for the abuse or arguments? •Deny that abuse is happening, or play it down? •Isolate you from your family and friends? •Stop you going to college or work? •Make unreasonable demands for your attention? •Accuse you of flirting or having affairs? •Tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think? •Control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things? Threats and intimidation Does your partner ever: •Threaten to hurt or kill you? •Destroy things that belong to you? •Stand over you, invade your personal space? •Threaten to kill themselves or the children? •Read your emails, texts or letters? •Harass or follow you? Physical abuse The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways. Does your partner ever: •Slap, hit or punch you? •Push or shove you? •Bite or kick you? •Burn you? •Choke you or hold you down? •Throw things? Sexual abuse Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whether they’re male or female. Does your partner ever: •Touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched? •Make unwanted sexual demands? •Hurt you during sex? •Pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom? •Pressure you to have sex? If your partner has sex with you when you don’t want to, this is rape. •Have you ever felt afraid of your partner? •Have you ever changed your behaviour because you’re afraid of what your partner might do? If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there is help available. Resource:: www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
help lines 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline Freephone: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours) Refuge Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours) www.refuge.org.uk Women’s Aid Federation of England www.womensaid.org.uk The Hideout thehideout.org.uk Website for children and young people witnessing domestic violence. Victim Support Helpline Helpline: 0808 168 9111 victimsupport.org.uk National LGBT Domestic Abuse Helpline Helpline: 0800 999 5428 FCO Forced Marriage Unit Helpline: 020 7008 0151 (or 0044 20 7008 0151 if you are overseas) Sharan Project (South Asian Women Help & Support) Information Line: 0844 504 3231 sharan.org.uk Mankind (male victims) Helpline: 01823 334244 mankind.org.uk Men’s Advice Line Helpline: 0808 801 0327 mensadviceline.org.uk Respect Helpline for Male Victims of Domestic Violence: 0808 801 0327 Helpline for Domestic Violence Perpetrators: 0808 802 4040 respect.uk.net
ISSUE 18/ JANUARY 2020 / 25
2020 EVENTS TO
LOOK OUT FOR... Whether you are celebrating a birthday, anniversary, its a girls night or just want a great night out, we have a number of events through 2020 to suit everyone’s taste!
ABBA SENSATION LD OUT 25TH SO JANUARY
ASCOT LADIES DAY 18TH JUNE
THE LITTLE MIX EXPERIENCE 17TH FEBRUARY
PINK RIBBON GLITTER BALL 17TH JULY
BEATLES TRIBUTE 29TH FEBRUARY
WESTZONE 25TH JULY
SALLY MORGAN CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 6TH MARCH
FREDDIE MERCURY TRIBUTE 28TH AUGUST
GEORGE MICHAEL TRIBUTE 14TH MARCH
ROBBIE WILLIAMS TRIBUTE 18TH SEPTEMBER
TAKE THAT TRIBUTE 17TH APRIL
SHERRY 4 FRANKIE VALLI 16TH OCTOBER
VE CELEBRATION PARTY 8TH MAY
HALLOWEEN ELVIS 31ST OCTOBER
ABSOLUTELY ELTON 30TH MAY
ABBA SENSATION 6TH NOVEMBER
SALLYSOMORGAN LD OUT CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 5TH JUNE
CHRISTMAS 2020 NOW TAKING BOOKINGS
TICKETS START FROM £18.00 PER PERSON AND ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE PAVILION SALES OFFICE, BY CALLING 01283 528 336 OR EMAIL GAIL@BRANSTONCLUB.CO.UK THE PAVILION AT BRANSTON GOLF & COUNTRY CLUB, BURTON ROAD, BRANSTON, BURTON UPON TRENT DE14 3DP
I have lived in the beautiful cathedral city of Lichfield for nearly ten years with two gorgeous children. You may know me from Thomas Cook where I enjoyed handling all your travel arrangements. Since the collapse of the company I have been keeping very busy launching my own travel business and I’m excited to introduce it to you! Travel Counsellors have just reached their 25th anniversary and we are so proud to share that we have been awarded ‘Best National Travel Retailer’ at the 2019 British Travel Awards! I create holidays as individual as you are, great if you’re looking for something special and a little different to the ‘off the shelf ’ offerings. I’m truly independent, with all the suppliers at my fingertips so if you have your favourite cruise line or tour operator, I book them too, with a few extra special touches. What's more, my doors don't close, I am always here for you and with a duty office open 24/7. You can TRUST in us, we have the highest level of financial protection meaning your money will always be 100% safe, regardless of what you book, no ifs, no buts. I would love to discuss your travel requirements, please get in touch.
Make 2020 Extraordinary! Elephant Hills & Phuket, Thailand For the adventurers… Rainforests, elephant sanctuaries, blue lagoons and pristine beaches. Expand your horizons and unleash the traveller in you as you embark on a multi-centre trip to Elephant Hills, Khao Sok. Stay in a luxurious tented accommodation during which you will get to wash, feed and interact with the magnificent Elephants. Marvel at breath-taking landscapes, lazily paddle down a river in a canoe, explore mysterious mangrove swamps and legendary jungle lakes. Go on to explore the blue lagoons and pristine beaches of the paradise island that is Phuket. This really is a once in a lifetime trip
Facebook @rachellloydtc
Atlantis The Palm, Dubai Live your best lives… awe-inspiring beaches, waterparks, aquariums and luxurious surroundings. Striking in every way and situated at the top of the Palm, you will savour views over the azure Arabian Sea or towards the stunning high-rise Dubai skyline from beautifully decorated rooms and suites. With endless entertainment and 24 restaurants and bars you will be spoilt for choice. The whole family can enjoy unlimited access to Aquaventure Waterpark, filled with adrenalin pumping slides and The Lost Chambers Aquarium which is home to 65,000 incredible marine animals… Or simply kick back and relax on 700 metres of private beach. Universal Orlando, Florida. For the thrill seekers…Play, Laugh, Scream, Repeat. Your family will get the Rockstar service, with a stay at the Hard Rock Hotel in Universal Orlando, plus you will get exclusive benefits to make a week at Universal truly show stopping, including Fast passes and early admission into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter where you can sip on butterbeer and catch a ride on the back of Hagrid’s Motorbike. Next swing by The Amazing Adventures of Spiderman before braving the Jurassic Park river adventure and more. You simply can not miss a day at Volcano Bay, Universal's water theme park where more excitement awaits, don’t fear there is a wonderfully lazy winding river ride when you’re ready to drift away.
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WAYS TO to feel better I loved Boxercise when I split from my ex. It released my tensions. Speak to friends – ensure they are constructive to support you to move forward and don’t actually drag you back. Go walking and just give yourself downtime.
For better for worse what should I do? ‘For better or worse’ as they say. Many people in unhappy relationships choose to make plans to separate in the New Year. I wish I could wave a magic wand to bypass all the stresses, strains and heartache that follows. Do you feel low in self-confidence / self-worth? Do you wish you could get through this more quickly and easily? Well that is where I come in. I can show and share a range of techniques and strategies to help you cope better and to mend your heart and life faster. In sessions, I can help you to focus on what you want, where you want to get to. There is the old saying ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel’. My role is to guide you and keep you on track. We often have to deal with heartbreak – many of my clients say “I feel physically heartbroken – in so much pain”. I am an NLP Practitioner, Certified Coach with over 25 years experience in business and on a personal level. I want to help anyone facing a break-up, to deal with changing relationships, cope with recovery form abuse and improve their own wellbeing.
The initial stages of divorce or relationship breakup can be draining and exhausting. One of my clients Sam, dreaded the ‘kids handover’ – especially as their ex already had someone new. We can explore strategies and mind-sets that can help you overcome those feelings of dread. After just one session this eased for her as we had found a coping strategy and after 3 sessions she said, “I feel supported, lighter, and I am kinder to myself.” A former client, Sarah, touched base recently to say I had my first exchange with my ex in over a year and used my tools to deal with the conversation. “I treated him more as a work colleague, I remained calm. Without my coaching I don’t think I would have coped so well.” At the end, a brighter future I can help you design this. You would think all is fantastic, after often a long time the solicitor's bills are ending, settlements are being finalised.
Do you feel exhausted and NOT YOURSELF? Do you fear conflict with your ex? Do you feel fear of dealing with solicitors and the legal system? Do you panic about your future financial state? Do you lack confidence? I can’t stop your pain, however, I can help you lessen this and move through the tough times faster and more positively. One of my clients actually said “I feel sick and have a stabbing pain in my heart”. It’s about shifting our thinking and focus – we cling to the good times and look through rose-tinted glasses. This feeds our pain. It’s about focussing perhaps on what you don’t miss about your old partner, relationship and life. Make a list of things you didn’t like or were not happy with. Sometimes it can be about making a physical change. Just making ourselves smile – even if fake at the start, can have a positive impact.
ARE YOU CONFUSED WITH WHERE you want to live? ARE YOU LOOKING to change your career? We can work on a plan together, explore your options and make a personal action plan for you. I can act as your support to re-design your life the way you want it. I have worked with a recent client Gemma, who split from a long-term relationship to focus on coping with conflict with her ex, sharing of childcare, and on her business start-up. In our sessions we explored new tools for communication, explored her options regarding work and her own lifestyle business. The trust we have built is amazing and in just a couple of sessions I can feel her confidence growing and she is focussed on building her business and giving up her job. She has let go of her guilt when having child-free time. When she has care of her children Gemma says... “I feel a better mum for this – I have given myself the permission with Tracey’s guidance to do this consistently. Life is looking and feeling good”.
My business brain, personal break-up experiences and life experience means the methods and tools I use are empathic, practical and easy to maintain. I can help you ‘power through’ the toughest situations. You don’t have to struggle and do this on your own. Invest in you and your future. Sometimes good things fall apart to allow better things to come together.
divorce • personal breakups Make a positive change today • business breakups • LIFE changeS
SPECIAL OFFER
First 6 people to make contact receive a 40% discount on first 2 sessions. Quote: Mama Life New me
Tracey Willmott ACC M: 07775 858612 E: tracey@fdirectionscoaching.com www.futuredirectionscoaching.com
LUKE BAKER’S
KITCHEN
Hey, Luke here, the face behind Luke Baker’s Kitchen bringing you all a dose of inspiration and playfulness back into our kitchens with sexy, healthy food. Welcome 2020 everyone! The recipes I will be sharing focus on clean, seasonal produce which are quick and simple to do yet deliver in visual stimulation and taste. January is the time of year the majority of us try and commit to a new resolution such as a new diet. My food and ethos with heathy living is not sacrificing the food we enjoy but focussing on a lifestyle commitment all year round. Understanding healthy eating is enjoyable and something we can incorporate all year round is what I’m aiming for. Let’s start the year with a BANG and commit to a healthier, sexier and more fulfilling YOU. Veganuary will be a challenge that a big part of the population will be taking on for the month, committing to animal welfare, understanding plant-based foods and helping the planet. I have put together some plant-based recipes you can prepare in your kitchen for January/Veganuary.
For any enquiries, email lukerbakersmethod@gmail.com
Baker’s Avocado Toast INGREDIENTS 1-2 slices sourdough / rye, toasted 2 tsp olive oil, used as a replacement for butter 1 ripe avocado, de-stoned and sliced 1 tbsp fresh pomegranate seeds
Microgreens / super sprouts for garnish Season with sea salt & black pepper Optional – good squeeze of fresh lemon or lime
METHOD •Toast your bread. •Meanwhile, slice the ripe avocado & season. •Once the bread is toasted, drizzle a little extra virgin olive oil.
•Add the sliced avocado & a good squeeze of lemon. •Finish with the fruity pomegranate seeds & microgreens / super sprouts.
@lukebakerskitchen @lukerbakerfitness
Luke Baker
Luke’s Dirty Bounty Shake
INGREDIENTS 1 heaped tbsp raw cacao / 100% cocoa 2-3 pitted medjool dates, finely chopped 30g plant protein of your choice (vanilla or chocolate) 225ml coconut milk Coconut milk ice cubes (simply freeze coconut milk using your ice cube tray) 1-2 tbsp desiccated coconut Optional ingredients – coconut almond butter / fresh banana / flaxseed To serve, add grated dark chocolate (I used the creamed coconut OMBAR vegan) METHOD •Simply add the ingredients into a high-speed blender. •I opted to use coconut milk ice cubes but that was me just using my own spin on things but this is not a necessity. •To serve, grate some vegan dark chocolate & desiccated coconut for that DIRTY delicious look.
Pulled Jerk Jackfruit The versatile tropical fruit is the perfect vegan option and taking over the UK street food market right now for its nutrient profile and pulled-pork type texture. I have opted to use a Caribbean twist on the pulled pork using this beautiful fruit which is easily accessible in most supermarkets, health food stores and Asian/ Caribbean stores. Jackfruit contains an ample level of vitamin A and vitamin C as well as being a rich source of potassium -- an essential component of our nervous system, electrolytic function and contributes to helping blood pressure. INGREDIENTS 1 can jackfruit, drain and rinsed 2-3 scallions (spring onions) 1-2 garlic cloves, crushed (or you can use 1 tsp minced garlic paste)
1 tbsp jerk marinade or seasoning 400ml light coconut milk 1-inch ginger, grated 1 tbsp freshly chopped thyme 1 bonnet chilli, deseeded and chopped (optional)
Method •Cook the spring onion, garlic, ginger and bonnet chilli using a little olive oil. •Add the seasoning / marinade. •Add the jackfruit and allow to cook for several minutes. •Add the coconut milk & cover and simmer. •Season with black pepper & fresh thyme.
Southern Asian Chana This delicious recipe combines soft chickpeas marinated in a delicate Thai style sauce with the powerful goodness of Cavelo Nero and sweet vine tomatoes. This is a low carb option and plenty of plant-based protein and a creamy texture from the coconut. You can also opt to use miso if coconut is not to your taste buds. INGREDIENTS ½ can chickpeas (organic preferred or soaked chickpeas you’ve done overnight) 200ml coconut milk (I use the full fat version) 2 handfuls fresh Cavelo Nero (this is a type of kale) 1 tsp mild curry powder
1 tbsp tamari (fish sauce substitute) 100g vine tomatoes 2 inches fresh galangal or root ginger 2 kaffir lime leaves 1 shallot, finely chopped ½ Tsp dried chilli flakes or freshly chopped chilli
Method •Add the shallot, kaffir lime leaves, curry powder and vine tomatoes into a hot saucepan on a medium heat •Add the coconut milk and tamari and allow to simmer for 8 minutes, adding the chickpeas •Grate the root ginger or galangal into the recipe and add the Cavelo Nero and allow to cook for a further two minutes so the greens wilt •Finally add a few chilli flakes and a splash of fresh lime for a delicious combination
Johnny Cakes The infamous Johnny cake is one the most loved foods of the Caribbean! These are the perfect companion and will complement pulled jackfruit wonderfully. INGREDIENTS Serves 4-6 225g plain flour (Keto flour options: almond/coconut/ quinoa) 2 tsp baking powder 3 tsp coconut sugar
½ tsp sea salt 1 ½ tbsp butter (vegan butter for vegan users) 120ml plant milk (coconut is my favourite) Cold water, as needed 240ml oil, for cooking
Method •Sift the flour and baking powder into a large bowl and mix in the coconut sugar, sea salt and butter (vegan butter) with your hands. Add the coconut milk and enough water to form the dough. Knead just until the dough is smooth and set aside to rest for 15 minutes. •On a lightly floured surface, use a rolling pin to roll out the dough to a thickness of 1 ½ cm, then use a cookie cutter to cut the dough into circles. •Heat the oil in a large deep heavy based frying pan over a medium heat. Add the cakes and fry for 3-4 minutes until puffed up and golden, turning them over halfway through the cooking time. •Remove with a slotted spoon to drain on kitchen paper before serving.
Pistachio Matcha Bombs INGREDIENTS 200g pitted dates 100g pistachios 30g cashew nuts METHOD •Pulse 30g pistachios in a food processor until they are broken into very little bits or crush using a pestle & mortar. •Add the dates, cashews, cashew butter, remaining pistachios, salt and matcha to a food processor and blitz together until a nice sticky dough.
2 tsp of cashew butter Pinch sea salt 1 tsp matcha powder
•Roll the mixture into 12 equal sized balls and roll each into the chopped pistachios until totally covered. •Place in the fridge to firm up and store in an airtight container in the fridge.
Wishing all our customers old and new a Happy New Year
We are pleased to announce due to demand our showroom is now open Sundays 11am - 3pm
Opening Hours Mon - Friday: 8am – 5pm, Sat: 10am – 2pm Sunday - 11am - 3pm 440 Watling Street, Two Gates, Tamworth, Staffs, B77 1EJ T: 01827 288688 F: 01827 282592 Email: info@bradleyscottwindows.co.uk
Could you provide a loving home and help us build a brighter future for children in your area? Fostering Solutions have offices in the Midlands. If you have a spare bedroom and plenty of care and support to give to a child or young person then we would love to hear from you, in return you will receive full professional ongoing training, around the clock support and a lifetime of memories.
We have offices in Stafford 01785 250300 and Long Eaton 011597721362 Give us a call and start your Fostering Adventure with us
Regular & One Off Domestic Cleaning Services Celebrating 20 years in business in 2019
Merry Maids of Sutton Coldfield provide professional domestic cleaning services to homes in Sutton Coldfield, Lichfield, Tamworth, Walsall and the surrounding areas. We can offer regular weekly, fortnightly or four-weekly cleans, as well as one off deep cleans and end of tenancy cleaning. 20% OFF For your peace of mind we provide: YOUR FIRST Trained & uniformed teams CLEAN FOR ALL MAMA Satisfaction guarantee LIFE READERS Quote Full insurance
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20/11/2019 21:27
10
Reasons Why Women Rule the Ruddy Roost
We’re moving house this week: back to North Yorkshire with its farmers and their herds of cow turds. Now, if you’ve ever moved house before, you know how frustrating the whole process is. Estate agents. Solicitors. Nosy-a-f non-buyer-pryers. It’s a totally outdated procedure and quite frankly a shower of shite. Anyway, we’ve sold and are moving, so, I can’t really complain. But, whilst going through the whole selling and buying experience, giving compliments to the owners about their homes, and receiving lovely ones in return for ours, I realised something...I realised just how much women rock the shit out of making a house a home. We’re the hens AND the cocks. In short, we rule the ruddy roost. So, as a bit of fun, let’s run down the list of all the things women absolutely rock in the home…
1. Cushions
6. More cushions
OMG. Cushions. You know a woman lives in the house when there are 3 cushions on the main sofa and at least 1 on the swivel chair. They’re perfectly placed, and dear God the contrast designs are pleasing on the eye.
No, there’s never enough. Yes...we do understand it requires extra effort to put them on and take them off the bed each day, and hell bloody yes, it’s worth it.
2. Candles If there’s not at least one Yankee candle in the house, you can assume the woman has been vacant from the property for at least one month (or however long it takes for a 600g ‘snow in love’ jar to burn). Women are queens of wick.
3. Chilled wine There’s no way a woman would ever let her reserves fall below two bottles at any one time. One of many reasons why we’re so damn reliable.
4. Ambient lighting Ceiling lights? Eh? What? Not a chance. You know a woman’s in charge when, even though it takes weeks to find the bloody switches for the lamps, we’d never allow guests to suffer the glare from a ceiling-lit room.
5. Mason jars
7. Succulents How else are we going to breathe?
8. Matching crockery Just because our other halves think it’s acceptable to drink their tea out of stupid, fat Sports Direct mugs, doesn’t mean they’re allowed to live in our cupboards. They can fuck right off.
9. Messy drawer You need it, we’ll find it…eventually.
10. Photographs Sisters of sentiment and residents of memory lane, photographs make a home, and it’s usually the woman who can be bothered to bugger off down to Boots to print them, trek to The Range to get a cheap frame, and surf Pinterest to discover the best placement designs up the stairwell.
Yes, we’re taking contents out of one container to put into another, but it’s sooooo much nicer when you can flick a cliptop lid to access your rice. Right?
So, there we have it. The top 11 ways women rock the household and rule the ruddy roost. You’re welcome, lads. You’re welcome. Now, bloody hell, where did I put that remote? *Searches for hours* *Was under a cushion all along* Still worth it.
By lucy dowson
lucywithawhy.com
ISSUE 18/ JANUARY 2020/ 37
Mama Foxx's By ANGELA FOXx www.instagram.com/littlehouseoffoxx
Fabulous Finds The Zoo
Those furry friends have had it their own way for too long. They’ve been free to roam as they please and set up camp wherever they fancy. Thanks to The Zoo your little Zoo Keepers can take control of their cheeky monkeys, bossy bears and hungry hippos. No more cuddly mountain in every room. The Zoo will inspire endless hours of play looking after their own playful animals. Safe flexible bars, pop the toys in and out, making tidy up time fun fun fun!!! www.littlezookeepers.co.uk
Tey Boutique
Love my Gifts Personalised Clocks
Wake up time. Playtime or bedtime your little bambinos will love learning to tell the time in a playful and imaginative way with their own personalised wall clock from Love my Gifts. Choose from unicorns, rockets or Dinosaurs designs these personalised clocks will make a beautiful addition to any themed nursery or playroom. www.lovemygifts.co.uk
10%
Let your little ones learn about reflection off and who they are with the eye-catching for Mama Life shaped mirrors from Tey Boutique. Readers Whether creating a new hair style, dressing for a playdate or just making funny faces it’s more fun when your mirror is a princess crown, angel wings or Batman. The Tey Boutique collection will suit any style nursery or bedroom decoration. Lightweight, shatterproof acrylic mirror, ready to hang on the wall. www.teyboutique.com
Appletree living A building zone, den making or simply snuggling down with their favourite book. Make your kid’s bedroom a creative sanctuary with the colourful, cosy collection from Appletree Living. Their range of bedding, curtains and accessories are fresh and exciting letting you inject your little one's personality in their safe retreat. Brightly coloured tufts embellished onto crisp white cotton, bold action hero bedding with a cool glow in the dark feature to mermaids, rainbows and pom poms will make the best place to keep all their treasures. All printed to super soft 100% brushed cotton for comfort and warmth. Fully reversible offering two striking looks in one and a fantastic way to update their bedroom décor. These fun playful designs will take little ones in to whole new worlds. For your chance to win a children’s duvet set head over to Instagram for all details. www.appletreeliving.co.uk
INSTAGRAM EXCLUSIVE GIVEAWAY
Smiggle
Counting pennies for their next adventure will have children of all ages excited with the Money Box Safe from Smiggle. Decorated in fun print designs, with a pull out tray inside and a working dial combination lock, no key required. By encouraging your little ones to save and learn the value of their shiny coins they will soon achieve their saving goals for a big dream. www.smiggle.co.uk ISSUE 18 / JANUARY 2020 / 38
Eat Sleep Doodle
Colour, draw, doodle, design and personalise your very own textiles. Eat Sleep Doodle are the brains behind this award-winning idea. The colour and learn series pillowcases come with 10 wash-out pens for your little artists to create their masterpiece. Then, when you’re ready, just put them in the machine on a warm or cool wash and all the ink completely disappears, ready to be re-drawn, re-coloured and re-customised. Endless creative freedom! These unique, thoughtful and educational gifts come in dinosaurs, world map, space, doll’s house and butterflies. Eat Sleep Doodle has expanded into a wide range of stationery and textile products. Beautifully designed, excellent quality, long-lasting and can be used and re-used again and again. www.eatsleepdoodle.co.uk
10%
off for Mama Life Readers MLDOODLE10
The Kid Collective
Pretty Little Something TutuS
Let’s face it, kids are messy!! Getting your little ones to keep their rooms a little tidier has never been so easy thanks to this wonderful collection from The Kid Collective. Designed to complement any magical themed room, these 3 super cute animals mean no more playtime clutter. It’s the easy and fun way to get kids excited about putting their toys away. Ideal for nappies in the nursery, precious art projects or those tiny treasures. Made from 100% cotton canvas, 100% polyester felt applique and 100% paper chipboard.
Never too young to accessorize. Keep all their princess bows together in this beautiful handmade tutu from Pretty Little Something Tutus. Designed to fit any princess’s castle, create the hairstyles of their dreams with all essential bows right on hand. From the glam party look, playdate ready or a little lift up look, your fashionista will adore keeping her pearls, bows and gems on display. All unique and personalised for your princess. www.etsy.com/shop/littlesomethingtutus
www.thekidcollective.co.uk
Bedroom Signs K and I Designs
Open the door to their own treasured space with a personalised bedroom plaque from K and I Designs. Beautifully tailored to your requirements with themes from Frozen, Avengers, pirates or unicorns. Completely personalised with your choice of colours, size, shape, wording and font. These stunning, eye-catching designs will bring a unique touch of magic and charm to nurseries, bedrooms and playrooms. This is truly a statement piece to keep forever. Available plain, primed, painted or glittered. www.kandi-design.co.uk
10%
off for Mama Life Readers
10%
off for Mama Life Readers
Trendcarpet
Bring a child’s room to life with the multiple rug collection from Trendcarpet. Modern, boho, educational or whimsical, their huge selection will cater for all your needs when choosing the right rug for your child’s bedroom. Eye-catching designs from unicorns, pirates, jungle and road maps to the softer rabbits, bears and clouds for the newborn nursery feel. All soft and cushioned for even the littlest of hands, feet and knees. Available in multiple sizes adding that cosy feel to any room. Vacuum friendly, stain-resistant, and easy to wipe clean. www.trendcarpet.co.uk *Information correct at time of print.
ISSUE 18/ JANUARY 2020 / 39
Relationship
Ending a
By WENDY CAPEWELL
www.yourrelationshipspecialist.co.uk There are many reasons why a relationship ends, but basically, it boils down to the fact you do not or cannot stay in your relationship any longer.
Life wasn’t easy, money was tight, but we had our little house and soon our two daughters. We moved to a bigger house in a lovely little village and life seemed complete.
Whilst I believe that relationships need to be worked at and that there are likely to be some really tough times, if you decide it's just not working then making the decision to part is often the best solution. At least it allows each of you to have a happier life.
But then, it all started going wrong. Out of the blue, my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore – and that he had met someone else. I was devastated, and despite attempts to make it work, trust had been broken and neither of us was happy. So we made the decision to end our 14 year marriage, which was a very difficult one.
Whether you make the decision to end the relationship or not, you are likely to experience many mixed emotions at different times, each of which is valid and normal. Guilt Shame Sadness Depression Fear Loneliness Anger Injustice Worry Powerlessness Doubt Confusion Relief Freedom Even if your relationship was toxic, you are likely to have very mixed feelings. After all, in the beginning you fell in love with this person and shared your dreams and plans for a future together. ‘For better for worse, till death us do part’. When I made those promises I really meant them. I certainly didn’t envisage my marriage breaking down, or falling out of love with that special person. Planning a new life together was exciting and magical, and nothing but nothing would stop us from having a wonderful life together. 40 / JANUARY 2020/ ISSUE 18
I experienced just about every one of the emotions I mentioned earlier. I felt guilty that I couldn’t make the marriage work. ‘Why wasn’t my love enough?’ ‘I should have tried harder’. I felt guilty that I hadn’t done enough to make him happy. •Guilty that I hadn’t talked to him when things were going wrong. •Guilty that my children’s family unit had been broken and as a result, they had to move house and schools. •Guilty that I had to work fulltime to support us, which meant I couldn’t be there for them as much as I needed to be. Because we were on a very tight budget, those treats they had before were denied them. I became very creative at making recipes with a pound of sausages and a pound of mince for the week! I felt guilty that we couldn’t turn up the heating - piling on jumpers and huddling under blankets to watch TV. And the shame! Having to admit to friends and family that my marriage had ended. I couldn’t face the humiliation of their questions or judgement. Maybe you feel guilt and shame because you ended the relationship? No one makes this decision lightly. I’m sure you agonised over your decision for some time before taking that brave step.
I can identify with those feelings too, as my second marriage years later was an emotionally abusive one, and I finally took the decision to end it (It took me several attempts). The guilt I felt about that relationship was because deep down I had doubts from the very beginning. But I was lonely, lacking self-esteem and believed we could make it work. At first, it was ok but soon became controlling and verbally abusive. All wrapped up in his protestations of love and care for me. Luckily my children had moved out by this time, so at least they weren’t directly affected. I experienced every single one of the emotions I listed above during and after that relationship – in bucket-fulls! If you have fallen out of love with your partner, and are just going through the motions, unhappy and really can’t make it work, why waste both of your lives being miserable? It took me more than six years to finally end my second relationship, followed by the divorce from hell. At first I felt guilty...that I should be trying harder. Then I forgave him for his unacceptable behaviour, I made excuses for him, I believed I was to blame (sound familiar?). My guilt turned to fear of what he might do to me or my family if I tried to leave. So, I totally understand when women tell me they can’t leave their relationship. Concerns about the effects on your children It's not a situation we want for our children. They certainly don’t want to see the parents they love part. And of course, you are bound to feel guilty about any decisions you make that affect them. Moving house and schools away from friends will be a huge wrench for them, and up pops your guilty feelings again. They too will have their concerns – was it their fault? They will also have divided loyalties, even if their father isn’t the best. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can cause your children a lot of damage. Heated arguments, even witnessing or being the victims of abuse isn’t healthy. Guilt around your children can lead to overcompensating behaviour on your part. Especially around gifts and boundaries. You may find yourself in competition with your partner or ex. This may leave you feeling guilty that you have let them down because you can’t afford the lavish gifts your ex and his family give them. You may feel injustice and angry at these times, understandably. But beware – dwelling on those feelings can make you bitter, and is definitely not healthy. Do you find yourself allowing them to do things you aren’t comfortable with because if you don’t, they won’t like you? Or worrying whether you are making the right decisions for them? It can feel quite difficult at times. Children are pretty smart when it comes to these situations, and can understand while at other times they will play on them. Be honest with your children, explain if you don’t have the same disposable income as you would like. They will have to learn at some time that life isn’t always fair. Just don’t drag them into your drama with your ex.
Trust your gut, and if it doesn’t feel right then stick to your guns. Why not have a family meeting in which you discuss the rules with responsibilities, rewards and penalties? Put them up clearly for all to see. Then you don’t get into the arguments of what’s fair and what isn’t. Children need boundaries to feel loved, even though they kick against them endlessly! Of course, you are likely to feel frustrated, angry and upset at times, all totally normal feelings and you don’t have to bury them! But find a suitable time and place to allow those emotions to be voiced. Share them with a trusted friend, or even writing those feelings down can be really cathartic. Feelings of loneliness and isolation My feelings of guilt and shame led me to withdraw from friends. I felt so ashamed of failing in my relationships. I was so worried they would reject and judge me. But it was a real mistake as I needed that network of good friends around me, especially at such a difficult time. Good friends will be there for you, so don’t automatically assume they won't want to know you. Be sure to ask for help when you need it. Pride doesn’t get a dripping tap fixed or that heavy piece of furniture moved. And we all need that friend to share a glass of something with when we feel low. A word of warning here. Be careful about who you share your thoughts and feelings with; there is nothing worse than sharing with the person who loves gossip, which gets back to the wrong person. Because I didn’t have that network of friends, I felt very lonely. I had to start afresh as on both occasions I moved quite some distance. When we feel isolated, we can hark back to the relationship and all those feelings can emerge again. Did I really try hard enough? Was it really my fault? That nagging, doubting voice plays havoc with feelings at these times and can distort the trust. I will never be happy again Those feelings are bound to come up, and the danger here is that you become involved with someone completely unsuitable who shows some attention. Or you may decide that you never want to meet anyone else because relationships only end in disaster. Healing from the wounds of your last relationship is bound to take time. So be kind to yourself. Seek professional help if you are struggling. Often someone impartial can help you see a different perspective. Wendy Capewell is a Relationship Specialist, working with both individuals and couples to create better relationships with themselves and others. We each need to love and accept ourselves for who we are. www.wendycapewell.co.uk info@wendycapewell.co.uk Author ~ podcaster ~ speaker~ coach. Changing the world one person at a time.
ISSUE 18/ JANUARY 2020 / 41
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Do You Apologise When You Cry?
H
ow do you react when you see someone cry? Many of us would be solicitous and keen to find out if we could help. I doubt we'd expect someone who's upset to apologise for crying and if they did, we'd put it down to their emotional state and probably say, 'don't be silly, there's no need'. We could well offer a hug or an affectionate smile rather than disapproval or criticism. Of course, there are some people who cry without much provocation. They're watching a film, or hear an emotional story, see a friend upset or even happily getting married and burst into uncontrollable floods of tears. When these tears are part of a shared experience others can empathise, and may even be aware of feeling emotional too. Sharing what's important matters and if that includes tears, so be it. But what about those times when our tears are because we're genuinely upset, feeling hurt and badly affected by something that's happened? Tears may be a reasonable response, providing both relief and a release of tension and emotion. Interestingly men, once so sure that 'real men' never cried, are becoming better able to allow themselves to show how affected they are when they're upset. Should anyone need to apologise for that? However, when it's only us who are crying, we can feel alone and desolate, perhaps wanting to curl into a ball and hide rather than draw unwanted attention to ourselves. Sometimes things build up, we have a good cry and feel better about it the next day. We may feel we need to cry before we can move forward. Our tears may be triggered by something specific, like an anniversary, or because we're feeling vulnerable due to circumstances beyond our control. Sometimes it's all too much and we're overwhelmed, stressed and simply need a good cry to clear our heads. A reboot is needed in order to feel better about ourselves. If we apologise, is it because we're disappointed at exposing our vulnerability, concerned at exposing a weaker side of ourselves? Is there concern at being labelled hormonal or emotional? Even without an excessive display of tears, many of us feel compelled to apologise when we cry, as we rummage in our bag trying to find a half-decent tissue whilst wondering if our mascara's waterproof! Embarrassed at the outpouring of emotion or that we've let our anger, frustration, upset get the better of us.
When our crying catches us off-guard it can be disconcerting for both us and for others. We're left wondering what to say, how to compose ourselves, the best way to recover. Our companions may feel equally awkward too. Sometimes gentle humour or a, 'you know what I'm like' may help ease any embarrassment. But is it right to shrug it off or let it pass? Do we want to conceal how overwhelmed we are by what's happening in our lives? When we're with others we'd hope that we'd notice if their behaviour changed and they became withdrawn, moody, or acted out of character. We'd want to be supportive, talk, understand, recognise that something was wrong and try to provide appropriate help. If someone cries too often, without much provocation or reason then that's a different matter. But just as we try to make sense of another's behaviour when they're stressed or not coping too well, we'd hope they'd be understanding of us too. If something's really affecting us, talking may not alleviate the need for a good cry but being listened to can be a help. Crying can be an important part of the process. So, what should we do if someone's crying? Ask if you can help and let them know you're happy to listen or simply sit in companionable silence with them. They may not know what's wrong or what they want. Tears may be part of the frustration they're feeling and you sitting quietly with them can provide great comfort. Should crying be something to apologise for? It's sensitive to be contrite if we upset, alarm or cause others to worry about us, especially if they're left wondering if they're responsible for our distress or if it seems to be happening too often. It may be appropriate to explain that tears are your way of releasing tension and overwhelm. Then we can hopefully allay their concerns. In a work situation, a good manager should be keen to find out why a staff member is crying. Presumably there's a valid reason for it. Whether it's a work or personal-related issue, taking care of staff welfare is an important workplace responsibility. So, should we apologise for crying? It may be appropriate if others are upset or uncomfortable. But then wash your face, reapply your lipstick and resume your life! A good cry can release stress and tension and clear away emotional fog. Should we apologise for that? By SUSAN LEIGH
www.lifestyletherapy.net
Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor.
ISSUE 18/ JANUARY 2020/ 45
Are FINANCIAL CONCERNS affecting your HEALTH? By Martin Ward www.fouroaksfs.com
Approximately 68% of women and 57% of men with mental health problems are parents1. In England women are more likely than men to have a common mental health problem.2 Concerns about money are one of the main factors contributing to anxiety and stress. This can lead to people suffering with poor mental health. Money worries can affect relationships inside and outside the family, children, the ability to work and the ability to look forward to the future. Feeling that you may never achieve your hopes and dreams can leave people feeling depressed and helpless. Talk To Someone It is important not to suffer in silence. If you are feeling low or depressed tell someone about your financial worries. This could be a friend, a family member or a professional adviser. The sooner you talk to someone, the sooner your mental health and finances will begin to improve. If you’re in debt you might have to take a couple of steps backwards before you go forward, but whatever your financial concerns are, you are not an expert. It might be that you have got nothing to worry about or you just need a bit of perspective and advice from a professional who can help you. You might need the help and support of friends or family to give you the confidence to seek advice, but that’s what they’re there for. Let’s Share Some Money Worries Pretty much everything you want to do in life boils down to whether you can afford it. So, we’ve all got money worries to a greater or lesser degree. Having a baby – in the early months money can be tight. Plan ahead and budget, so you can enjoy your new baby. You’ll be losing sleep but not over money! Getting divorced – get financial advice on how assets can be divided and get your Financial Adviser to review your finances and help set your goals for life post-divorce. Falling ill and not being able to work – there are a lot of ways to protect yourself and your family should the worst happen. Be prepared. Plan ahead. Desperate for a career change – software exists to help your Financial Adviser show you your financial future on a range of “what if” scenarios. What if you could change your career? Wanting to go part-time – a financial review with a Financial Adviser who has the ability to demonstrate the impact of earning less, will show you if it’s possible or when it will be. A parent needing long term care – care is expensive, but there are ways to finance this and ways to protect assets such as their home. Talk to a suitably qualified Financial Adviser.
You Have Options There is always something that you can do to improve your circumstances and talking to experts, whether that’s debt specialists or a Financial Adviser will open your eyes to what is possible. If you are in debt, there is a lot of advice available. One of the best places to start is the Money Advice Service website, a government site that will signpost you to relevant service providers. Many are not for profit and provide their advice for free, for example Citizens Advice. If you have concerns over your current financial situation then your Financial Adviser is not only there for when you need a mortgage or want to invest some money. Don’t assume that you can’t do anything to improve your financial position. Any advice will depend upon your own individual circumstances, but your Financial Adviser could help you access money from investments, pensions or other means. If you are worried you’ve left it too late to save for your retirement, and you’ll never be able to stop working, think again. Ideally, it’s best to start saving as early as you can, but employer contributions along with favourable tax treatment and potential for investment growth mean that any pensions contributions made later in life can still have a big impact on your standard of living in retirement. Getting Your Children Money Savvy Children who are taught basic money management skills when they are young typically display a more mature attitude to finances in adulthood. The way to ensure children are ready to take on financial responsibility is through teaching them and talking to them about money. You might start with pocket money. Give them the ability to make small financial decisions on what they choose to spend it on. Making children earn spending money can also instil financial responsibility and educate them on the value of money. So, when they inherit from you, they spend your hard-earned money wisely! The value of pensions and investments and the income they produce can fall as well as rise. You may get back less than you invested.
1Royal College of Psychiatrists (2016). Parental Mental Illness: The impact on children and adolescents. Information for parents, carers and anyone who works with young people. 2McManus S Bebbington, P Jenkins, R Brugha T. (eds) (2016) Mental health and wellbeing in England: Audit Psychiatric Morbidity Survey 2014: Leeds NHS Digital Source material: www.mentalhealth.org.uk/statistics/mental-health-statistics-family-and-parenting 46 / JANUARY 2020/ ISSUE 18
ASTROLOGY By THE SECRET CLAIRVOYANT
Aries
Into 2020 we go and the Aries Ram in you will be itching to run on…. The last 6 months indicated a cycle of career change and adaptation which has now ended bringing you many choices in which direction you want to head in. The first January of the decade will give you cause for reflection that will have an effect on everyone around you in more ways than you know. On the 10th January there will be a strong indication of progression so watch for the signs that will follow. Personally and emotionally you will find it beneficial to listen to your heart’s desires from the 21st January and again in early February.
Cancer
The emphasis on the first part of this year will be in your professional life and your career. The Full Moon and astrological influences on the 10th are going to be almost like a premonition of what’s to come and something you will feel in more ways than one. Listen to your inner self and listen carefully as on the 23rd January and again by the 13th February there will be glimpses of reality. You may have a sense of overwhelming change that is coming which will need to take control of…. It is not how much we know about anything but whether we can turn that knowledge into wisdom.
Libra
Your sign is a work in progress during these first few months in 2020, a work that is being repaired slowly but surely. Your level of social commitment will reach new highs in spring 2020 that will become very important in your work so much so that you may start to see a potential change in direction in the Full Moon of the 10th January & again on the 9th February. Family and loved ones will need some assistance in the way of advice midmonth and advice will come from some very unexpected people…listen to it.
Capricorn
Done and dusted are all those frustrating events, people and situations that were holding you back much of 2019. After a Herculean effort over the last summer it is only now that you are well and truly ‘untangled’ and will be free to move in any direction you want. Use your Capricorn tenacity to get through February and you already will know what 2020 is about and what will be laid out before you. Think and choose all that you want wisely and Old Father Time (Saturn) will guide you.
Taurus
Change is not best suited to you Bulls as you tend to need to be sure and secure in your surroundings otherwise you become ungrounded. The key to nearly all things in life is emotional diposition and this is an area that you will need particular focus on in early 2020. An indication of just how you’re feeling may arise around the Full Moon on the 10th January, but now is not a time to act, just observe. By June you will be making plans for ‘very’ big emotional changes and you will need answers that will not go away. Be true to yourself and be true to your heart as love conquers everything.
Leo
Health and happiness cannot be found in your pocket….well, think about this and ask yourself an honest question. That question will become clear on the 12th -16th January in a very unusual way. It will be vital that opportunities are not missed during February in the sense of getting a clear direction. You will need to set aside some time with your loved ones throughout the year as there is an abundance of emotional highs and lows all throughout this year…and beyond. By midFebruary you might feel adrift but don’t worry there’s a heavenly adjustment going on that will be for the better.
Scorpio
The intensity of the autumn of 2019 has now left and you will have noticed subtle changes occurring around 3rd December just gone that could be an indication of a new way of doing things…and a new direction. You can feel a change is in the air and it is in February where you will understand it. It might mean some deep personal realisation that will leave you a little awry but don’t fear as you are being elevated upon a whole new higher level. Look within for emotional answers and you will be surprised.
Aquarius
2020 will herald much change that is right for you in many ways. This may not feel like it at the moment as you are still ‘untangling’ from late 2019 but after the 10th January you will see ahead both professionally and emotionally. There has been a lot of soulsearching much of 2019. Use what you now know wisely and set yourself a path for the year ahead by the 9th February as there is much fortune that will be around you. Get ready for a busy financial first two months of this year. There is money to be made and it’s all about balance.
Gemini
Going into 2020 heralds a time of adjustment for you both professionally and within your home. Be prepared for an explosion of home adjustments in February that will be a continuing factor for most of the year. Decisions will have to be made carefully and not on a whim so take time around the Full Moon on the 10th January to reflect and then revaluate on the 12th February. The key to your success will be slowly, carefully and considerately even when others don’t deserve it…There’s always the bigger picture to see..
Virgo
Right into 2020 and onwards and upwards… Not a time for procrastination and there isn’t any more time for worry as was spent during most of 2019. That is well and truly behind you now and if it isn’t then you really need to break the chain if you don’t then there is a real danger of missing the boat. That boat is astrologically leaving by the 21st February so get prepared for what could be an exciting adventure of growth. It is down to you now and not other people. Get into the right direction and you are going to find February emotionally rewarding, albeit flirtatiously provocative.
Sagittarius
Now that 2019 and the influences of the summer is well and truly behind you it is now time to move forward. The key is to aim your arrows -- not let them loose hither as you won’t be fulfilling your true potential. The heavens are setting you free now to build upon dreams and goals. Focus and you will realise there will be nothing stopping you in this first part of 2020. Identify your desires and your passion will take hold in the direction you want. Watch for events around the Full Moon on the 9th February.
Pisces
After 2019 you might feel you want to shut yourself away and put tinfoil upon your head to stop the loudness of others’ thoughts. Right up until mid-December you have had to be pretty flexible in managing your time and frustrations which now astrologically has finally passed. The key to your well-being is emotional harmony and astrologically now there is much love & happiness to be found all around you. Last year was about others -this year make it about yourself. It’s all about the love.
If you would like a personal tarot reading please contact me on 01584 873 447 // 07969 637 022 48 / JANUARY 2020/ ISSUE 18
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