THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.
If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge.
Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess
interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image.
They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself."
Now, part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to realize that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, for example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure.
I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe."
This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss.
This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: My CTA goes as follows:
"You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? How's it going?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls:
DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin
talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?"
This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead.
STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly.
I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they badoo wyszukiwarka like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs.
By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride.
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