THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill.
She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise.
Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend
that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with.
Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ."
STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a
conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, for instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating
profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, https://sexeducation2021109891870.wordpress.com/2021/08/11/15-peopleyou-oughta-know-in-the-jak-zaczac-na-tinderze-industry/ great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball.
I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows:
"You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations.
While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I will add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls:
DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better women to go on dates with, it was
simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inhouse communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach
someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you try to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an
activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty.
No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially
helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.