I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!"
I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain.
Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs "
STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos
and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on.
Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much.
You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence co pisac na tinderze somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question.
As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For example, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography.
-- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able
to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? What is it going?" How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of the type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response
Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The
reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties:
Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. Where you have your date decides about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations.
Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes.
Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline
It's very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa.
There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is imperative to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates
into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.