letters
Dear cuddling buddy, I hope you are doing well. I miss you so much. I remember when we embraced for the first time. We were in a study room in the library with our mutual classmates and friends snacking on Oreo, Chips Ahoy! and milk. I had just gone through a break up with a close friend of yours, and though we didn’t really know each other, we cuddled. You napped in my arms and the world felt like the right place to be. Then, the days, weeks, and months that followed were blissful every time we crossed paths. I always looked forward to meeting with everyone in the library; I particularly looked forward to your hugs. You would scoot over and make space for me on the couch. You would read your narratives aloud and the rest of us would comment and/or share stories. Sometimes I read while you played poker with the others. There was usually no need for words. And goodbyes were long. We hugged while I waited for the elevator or vice versa, and at times we’d let the elevator go and wait all over again. Know that even though we don’t talk nor see each other anymore, I miss your warm hugs. Forever hugs, Anonymous
Dear Andy, I nearly choked on my coffee this morning when I saw the headline. Usually I hate to make fuss over celebrity news, but yours I had to write a letter about. You know it's no secret that I have a crush on you. My girlfriends want you too but I tell them straight up they can't have you. Me? Possessive? No. I'm just telling the truth. Just don't mistake me for a stalker, but I am rather fixated on your love life. The fact is, I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time. Although I prefer that you're dating me instead but your not-so-secret-boyfriend seems like a nice guy. You two look absolutely precious together riding bicycles around Manhattan in matching outfits. I even applauded you when you took him as your date to the Oscars After Party. That's like almost coming out right? Yet each time the spotlight was on you to set the record straight once and for all, gay pasa? For all the silent you kept, do you know what you've actually said? Well I'm sure you've heard it your entire life. As for every young boy out there that looks up to you, aspires to be like you, and is like you, there are only three simple words he really longs to hear. What you've said today will reassure him that it's okay, he's not alone, and that it'll certain get better. He'll believe it because we've all been there and came out stronger than before. I congratulate you for finally speaking out. Thanks for making all of us proud and crush on you a little bit harder. Yours truly, Watches CNN But Not For The News
Dear Alexander, I hope everything is well. I’m writing to discuss some things concerning the oppourtunities that have presented themselves. I’m sure you are aware of how important this is for us. This is the time to be focused and determined to get things done. As of now, I know things aren’t as organized as they should be, but we have to figure out how to organize things as we go along. We can’t sit here and let time pass as we try to gain control of the situation. We need to understand how crucial things are at this point. It’s now or never, and if we can not do what we need to, then everything else will fall apart. With that said, let’s see if we can get our act together. I hope that the next time we speak, you have some good news for me. Take care. Sincerely yours, Your Conscience.
Dear Jay, Congrats on graduating! Finito...Dicho y hecho...Done! You have finally reached a milestone in your life that marks the beginning of an exciting chance to explore what you want out of your professional life. Even though it is merely ‘symbolic’ for you, finding happiness in the little things makes your struggle worthwhile and serves as an impetus for overcoming challenges that might lay ahead. Cheers to a new adventure that you are about to embark on. It may be rocky at times but have faith in yourself to get you through this. After all, that is what makes it worth it in the end. Wouldn’t you say so?
Love, Zouf
I forgive me: I forgive me for all the times I stayed quiet when I should have yelled like hell I forgive me for not loving me. I forgive me for losing self-confidence. I forgive me for all the times that I hid my tears. I forgive me not for validating me. I forgive me for telling myself I could not do it. I forgive me for being so broken I thought I could never be whole. I forgive me for being afraid to love. I forgive me for not always being honest about my feelings. Now I love me. It it’s a constant battle that is well fought. But I fight like there is no tomorrow. I fight like hell and while I fight I gain more love, compassion and understanding for me.
“Clan of the Lioness“ He desired a docile damsel in distress, But being fainthearted, timid and shy Were never qualities I was meant to possess. I was a Woman of a different breed. I belonged to a clan of Lionhearted, Brilliant Women. Passionate, The Matriarchal blood that ran through my veins Had transcended from century to century, Generation to Generation. Our legacy would not and could not Be trampled by his patriarchy. My adventurous and wandering soul Would not be suppressed by his blithering arrogance. Ceasing to exist as the dazzling, Compassionate, Feminist I was born to be was unnatural. I would not cease to be me. So prince charming rode off into the sunset, As I continued to live my life fruitfully. - Jessica Jade Batista Alone.
Dear Tricia, If you only knew what the future would hold, you would have enjoyed your childhood so much more. You would have stopped worrying, stopped crying, stopped beating yourself up. You would have noticed that you were beautiful. You would have realized that you really were loved. You would have taken pleasure in the care you received. You would have appreciated those who appreciated you. You would have kept those close friends closer. You would not have let some of them go. You would have told your 'friends', those who smiled in your face but talked behind your back, that their actions only served to push you forward into a brighter future, filled with hope and promise. You would have told yourself that you love yourself. And you would have let yourself be loved more. If you only knew what the future would hold, you could have relaxed, and allowed God to bless you with all that He desired for you. Remember how carefree these days really are. Remember how close your family is to you. Remember all those times your father walked you to and from school, and even during high school, he walked you to the bus stop. That was love. Remember your mother playing with your hair. That was love. Remember your sisters dressing you, brushing your hair, and buying you cute clothes. That was love. Remember your brothers teaching you how to dance the hustle, play football, and buying you Zingers and Scooter Pies. That was love. Remember, you were loved. That was all you needed. That is all you'll ever need. Love, Patricia
Dear “Elements of the One”, I’m frustrated. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. Yes, I had unrealistic expectations about love and emotion, but I never expected you to be the representation of complimentary, but perfectly flawed in every way. The broken promises, the smiles, and the overwhelming support is painful and beautiful at the same time. I want to pinch myself because the fact that you’re in my life and interested in me scares and intrigues me. I’ve battled my conscious and heart numerous times, conflicted on whether its infatuation or real emotion. I always come up short and sad. I can’t quite comprehend what this is or where it will go, but the challenge is beautiful and complex, as if a dream I don’t want to wake up from. Your personality, swag, and experience is an addictive habit I can’t break and that hurts me because I can anticipate the pain. Yes, I’m naïve and taken by your charm, but I’m also cautious and careful which makes it difficult for me to fully get close to and believe you. I realized after a reflection one night that I may be an option and not the first choice. I can’t wait and hope you’ll be ready for a relationship. I’m strong, wiser, and ready to find someone who not only appreciates me, but who’s willing to grow with me. It’s difficult and painful to walk away from so much potential and chemistry, but I know it’s better this way. Letting you go will be one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. My happiness and yours is more important than the selfishness of what could have been. The memories and friendship will be a part of me as I journey off in my own direction. To you, thank you for sharing with me how to truly care and respect someone. I appreciate the support and encouragement. You are a special part of my life that I’ll never forget. Always Yours, “Girl Who Moved On”
To past, from present If I knew then what I know now I would have invested in the cigar industry If I knew then what I know now Ill still vote Obama If I knew then what I know I would have married my second grade teacher If I knew then what I know now I would have stayed away from light skinned girls or nice eyes If I knew then what I know now I would still be right, don’t fuck with gravity If I knew then what I know now I would have told my self that what we Are taught and what we learn are to different things If I knew then what I know now I would have only bothered kissing five girls Instead of , well If I knew then what I know now I would have seen that the first time I packed a bag to leave the shores of my home Would be the last time I called the same sky in any place home for long enough that absent memories would spark to ash the home nostalgia built in my head That fear would force my mother then and Me now to always keep a bag ready and packed, and Under the darkest of nights I sometimes Smoke my evils clean Grab it and run Just to feel like I can
We walk away so easily Only because we swear our shadows know the way back But they are no different then our obsessions with patterns The cemetery of history For the sake of having some one witness our life If I knew then what I know now I would’ve listened more to the love my mind was seeing Rather then just the one my heart was taught If I knew then what I know now I would’ve seen that to dream a dream, is just like breathing, like being told about love, but knowing the difference the things that go as easy as they come Because if I felt then what I feel now I am learning that its ok, that ive been choking on my words all this time treating them like post cards addressed to the wrong direction with the right intentions But some where, some one got my dream I hope they buried it under the mailbox Approximately 20 paces from her lips Where she kept the stamp and sent me a map. Because if I felt then what I feel now I would have practiced the art of holding on with my grandmother a lot more Let my imagination play when this world slowed down just enough to let me listen to my grandfather If I felt then what I feel now There would be more reasons then questions If I felt then what I feel now At least there would be no doubt on whether ill perceiver But for how long?
Kyle, This is why I'm upset. -You lied about having your penis pierced. From when you first met me, right up until before you stuck the nail in your dick in my bathroom, you kept up that lie. I am not sure what other little things you've lied about. Being born in Finland? Threesome at JC Penney's? These things are trivial and don't really matter, but now I feel like I shouldn't have believed you on the bigger things, such as "I love you, I miss you, you have no idea how happy you've made me, I'm so glad I met you." I feel like a sucker and I feel like I got played. I feel like it sucks how I trusted you and I should not be so trusting. -You stuck nails and your face and were looking for a knife. We hadn't even been screaming at each other, hadn't even really been fighting. And none of my holding you, none of my talking things out with you, none of my listening to you prevented you from wanting to hurt yourself. If you were looking to cut yourself with my steak knives when we weren't even in that big a fight, what am I gonna do with you when a bigger fight comes along? You have got to learn to deal with it. Really deal with it, not by escaping into your pain. I feel guilty for leaving you alone, I feel responsible, and fuck that. I shouldn't be feeling guilty for that. -I thought you were breaking up with me before you put the nails in your face. I thought that's what you were saying and I was ready to accept that. I was walking the dog thinking "well, easy come, easy go, at least he was honest with me." Because your worries and your fears about hurting me or fucking up in the future made alot of sense. But then I came in and you were acting like nothing had happened and we weren't breaking up. You were smiling like nothing had happened.
Dear Mom and Dad, It’s hard to say I want to see you guys again, in the afterlife. But there’s a lot of things I didn’t get to say back then. Now that I think about it, in a way it’s too late. I just wanted to take the time and tell both you that I am very grateful for all ya did for me as a child. You guys were my first parents. I think about ya every day of my life and I’m very thankful to say that ya was/ are my grandparents. Even though you’re gone, you’re still a team. I got to you see you grandpa before you passed, and that’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. The times you stood over in my house, we would go outside and sit in front of my building, feeling the summer breeze. I won’t forget that day that God decided to take you away. You were the closest thing to a father figure to me. But everything happens for a reson. I just wanted you know that I truly love you and miss you. Your birthday is 3 days after mine. It’s been 5 years and it feels like yesterday. I never got the chance to see you again grandma but we talked on the phone several times. I really miss you and your cooking. When I was a kid you used to tell me to not run in the streets, you always had good advice. The day I fell down the stairs in front of the house and cracked my head open you rushed me to the hospital. If heaven was to have visiting hours, I wouldn’t even step a foot back on Earth, and just spend the time with you two. But that’s impossible. You two are no longer in the world, but remain in my heart. See you soon mom and dad. Sincerely. Yadul.
Sometimes, I think to myself, "This is not what I waited so long for." Sometimes, I want my life to be different but with time, I am learning that what I've got, what we've got, overtime, may just be what I waited so long for. You like sports; I despise sports. You love video games; that is just not my thing. You love playing around like a kid; I prefer to read in a corner while sipping a delicious green tea. You are happy with what you have; I go crazy and question myself, "what have I done wrong?" I love reading; your eyes get watery halfway through the first chapter of the book. I love writing; you can't even grab pen and paper to write anything because is too boring and you hate thinking "too much." I like drama, romance, and SciFi movies; you rather watch comedy to laugh your ass off and say, "Hey that movie is good!" I like analyzing stuff; you don't even bother to question yourself what you're doing wrong and what makes me unhappy. If I go on with all our differences, the list will be never ending. Sometimes, I've said to myself, "Maybe he's not the one I deserve better," but somehow, you've managed to put a stamp on my heart with your name on it. And I may know why we've lasted so long. One day, I told you I needed a break from the relationship because with school and you, it was just too much for me. The next day, you appeared at my door with a bunch of roses and a card which said, "Love is patient, I'll wait for you." Another time, seafood got me so sick I threw up in your face. That didn't bother you and until you put me to bed, kissed be goodnight and made sure I was asleep, you didn't go home. Last Christmas, you gave me a Nook because you love seeing me reading...weird but true. But the most special thing you've done was giving me a necklace you bought when you were 12; you said, "I give you this necklace because I promised to myself when I found the love of my life, it would be hers; you are the love of my life." Maybe, our love story is different after all. Maybe, you are the one for me. Maybe, what we have, is what I waited so long for. I may not have the answers to all these questions yet, but we have a lifetime to find them. -M<3.
To you; The reason why I am writing you this letter is because I was never good at expressing myself. There is a lot of things I want you to know about me and I’m sure that a lot of them will not make sense to you now. First, I have no idea how to watch after you...but I do know that you will always have me unconditionally. I have made many mistakes in life, but I have also learned that is the only way you will become the person who you are. I wish I could promise you that everything will be perfect and there will be no sorrow in your life, but the only thing I can guarantee you is that I’ll be next to you every step of this bumpy road that we called “life”. I know that I have never had anything to call my own, I have no clue of what having a family feels like, but I am sure you are going to help with that. I must say I tend to be lazy sometimes, I dream a lot about things that might not happen any time soon and I do aspire to be someone I will be proud of to look in the eyes and say “I did it all by myself”. I have been through a lot of things that will easily have broken others....not me. I also want you to know that I am very persistent in almost everything I do. Life has taught me that difficult and impossible are things that we have made up in order to just give up. “When there is a will, there is way”. Don’t you ever think I will not understand you or judge you. I will always hear you and give you my advice at the end you will be the one choosing your own path. I wish I could protect you from everything and anything that will cause you any pain, but in reality you will pass through them, you will live and have your own way of seen this world. Sometimes I wish that you would have come in another time, but I also know that if you are here there must be a good reason. I have been working on all the things that kept me from becoming the best of me. And I promise you I will never stop looking forward even when there is wall in front of me at the moment. If I had the courage and the strength to fight alone with you by my side I know I’ll have another reason to even reach for more. Love, Your Mom.
I don't want to talk much about why I did what I did. I wish I didn't feel like I had to do it. I hope you know that it wasn't by any means an easy thing to decide. It's still hard now, and a bunch of times I've considered that maybe I made a mistake. But I'm just really not sure, and I know we only have at most one more chance in life to make us work. So I feel like I should be 100% certain and committed to making our relationship work before I try again, and like I said I'm just not there right now. I don't want to break both of our hearts again. I couldn't ever forgive myself if I did something like that again. Anyway, I want you to know that you gave me hope in the world again and saved me from myself. Before I met you I was depressed, lonely, thought so low of myself, didn't think I could ever succeed in the world. Being with you changed all of that. You single handedly restored my faith in the goodness of people. All of that stuff I told you about wanting to use my life to protect people even though I don't like most people, it's all because of you. I want to make sure people like you can be safe and happy and experience all kinds of joy. You brought out the best in me, and even though we aren't together anymore, I haven't forgotten what I can be. I haven't lost the confidence that you put inside of me, that I could do something good in the world. Being with you was without a doubt one of the most positively transformative experiences of my life. For that I will always be grateful, I will always treasure our time together, I will always love you, and I will always be there for you if you need me. I hope that at the very least I can always remain your friend. I know that this will be a hard road to travel at times for the both of us, but I truly hope that the love we have for each other can eventually lead us to the same end. But most of all I want you to be happy, no matter what. Take care of yourself and know that I am always here to talk to and if shit ever goes down I will always have your back.
Remember that you are forever changing and growing. It escapes you that you are completely capable of learning things, and that if you say the wrong thing, it can be an opportunity to open your mind and learn from someone else. The fears of failing and being wrong are incredibly limiting, and they are preventing you from experiencing the creative life you crave. You need to remember that you can make simply because you feel compelled to. You can write, record, edit, and design, just because you want to. You don't ever need permission or validation. And you don't owe anyone or society anything. You don't owe beautiful or original or thought provoking, or whatever it is that would make you 'enough'. Make things because you can, because it connects you to quiet things. Be okay with being imperfect. Own your humanity. It doesn't help to beat yourself up for the days in which you rather read and walk. As much as your projects matter, you aren't here solely to make or to be productive. You need quiet days, and tree walks, and moments where you are still and present. There are many little things around you, and you just need to notice them. Do nothing, and be still. Be wherever you are, and make from that place. Just be, and it will be. Whenever it gets messy and confusing, be still and go back to the basics. I love you.
Hey Girl, This is your 22 (about to be 23) self writing to you. You will be turning 25 soon, what have you learned? Who have you gained as a lifeline? Are your fears still the same? As you know, change is constant and works like clockwork. Here are some of my thoughts as to where you should be, with yourself. Life- I hope you are living life on your own terms. You may listen to what is being said to you but with all due respect pay attention to details. Pay attention to what people are doing with their own lives and then assess if you need their words. Remember what Daddy taught you about risk management! It is all about what how much you want to gain or what you are willing to lose. All in all, do not lose you. You already comfortable in the skin you are in but sometimes people shake you up. Remember, you are not Orange Juice. Ha! Career- DO IT ALL. End of story. Retire when you are eighty! Let the grind be your joy. You were created versatile for a reason. I hope at this age you will be finishing up some type of graduate school program that correlates with one of your passions. Love- I hope you are taking your time. Be selective and conscious with your decisions. I hope whoever you are investing in at the age is funny as hell. You love that ish! I hope he is multifaceted so he can balance you out. Let patience be your guide; let it allow you to see him as clearly as you see God. That is how you will know, he is the real deal. Forgive, forgive and forgive some more. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t play stupid and get involved with anyone who does victim narratives. The signs are all there, PAY ATTENTION. If you have found the one, ride it out till the wheels break off (no pun intended)â&#x20AC;Śwhatever man you end up with, let him be a man. Do not place any timelines on your relationship. If he is the one, then there it is. If not, you know someone will be around the corner ready to say hello. You have the gift of discernment. Do not take it for granted. God- Remember blessings come from brokenness. When you are at your lowest, that is when God is preparing you for a BIG shift. Be in a constant state of preparedness. You have not come this far for all your dreams to not come to fruition. If you do not remember a million and one biblical verses, just remember he has set aside your lot. God keeps all promises. I would ask you more questions or give more advice but I am still trying to figure out life for myself. Leave room for surprises. Leave room for life to do its thing. Do not plan as much. Take risks. Be open. Be UNDERSTANDING. Give people second, third, fourth, fifth chances because you are not Little Miss Perfect! Do me proud, You
A.M.C., We took a walk around your dark, dry cellar. You always say you’re afraid you will die before you can clean it out. I’m just afraid you will die. You showed me the cards Grandpa wrote to you during World War II. He had beautiful handwriting and we know how much he loved you. You were twenty-three and working at the Chrysler Building. Last week I turned twenty-three. I don’t have a job, but I’m trying to figure out how to be happy. No one has ever sent me handwritten letters like those. I remember going to your house in the summers, drinking lemonade on the patio and reading new books behind the bushes, where no one could see me. Every Christmas the tree was lit and the stockings you sewed yourself were hung on the banister. Two years ago, you stopped hanging the stockings because you thought we were getting old and didn’t care anymore. We did. This year you hung all four stockings. After a long, hot or cold, six hour car ride, it was comforting to open the metal gate and arrive at the side door. Coldcuts, rolls, and soda at the table for a late night summer dinner, listening to the hiss of the locusts outside. Ice cream for dessert-usually mint chocolate chip. Your homemade sausage stuffing at Christmas. I’ve been a vegetarian for a few years now, but I make an exception for the sausage stuffing. You don’t want to ask anyone for anything. You don’t want a ride to the doctor’s office or to the store. You don’t want anyone to take your Christmas tree down to the basement in January. You don’t want to call me too much or bother me because you think I have a busy life. I can’t imagine my childhood and my life today without you. Although we are separated by six hours and sixty-four years, I feel closer to you than to many others, relatives and long-time friends. I want you to know that I see you as much more than my grandmother; I see you a funny, beautiful, intelligent, and caring person who happens to be my father’s mother. I see you as a friend. Please don’t feel you are less than your friends because you never had the chance to go to college. You are one of the most intelligent people I know. You can beat most of us in Scrabble, recite French and Latin you learned 70 years ago, and add and subtract without a calculator. You are friendly and warm, and you make everyone around you feel welcome and comfortable. You are firm in your optimism, despite the death of your husband and your closest friends, your deteriorating health, and the weather. I don’t know if I will ever be a grandmother, but if I am, I can only hope that my grandchildren feel for me what I feel for you. A.L.C.
Dear Daniel, I've listened to the same song over and over again because I know this thing we've been struggling with for months is over finally because the two of us are over. I was sad at first, or rather I'm still sad, but I'm a little bit relieved that I have been able to move on now that your presence has been gone from my life for an entire week. I've been facing the impeding problem of your twelve-day return to Kansas. This facing of a problem hasn't worked well, but I don't lose heart so quickly. I'm a little bit drunk. I think I may have been a little bit drunk since the moment you left. You know how you thought it was a bad idea for me to move in with you after you moved because of all my personality disorders? Well, I have this eating disorder now, but that isn't the reason I bring it up. When you wanted to take back the invitation for me to move in with you, there was a very persistent need to shield it. At the festival you said, "I don't expect you to move in with me." I was so angry. My anger was not due to the receding invitation, but the manner in which you said it, like you needed to coat in with something nicer so I wouldn't be sad or feel rejected when actually all it did was make me sadder, the way you felt you needed to be careful with me. I told you over and over again to just be honest with me, I told you I felt such extreme moods, and I told you to let go of your inhibitions, but I see now it was my way of trying to make you understand what it's like to live in my head, the head of someone who could slip into a psychotic episode at any minute. Perhaps this was what pulled you to feel the need to be so careful with me. I'm not angry, Dan, I'm not, but I feel like I did at the beginning, the need to bring the truth out of you, to get rid of some of the boundaries you have placed, which has brought upon a few revelations. I realize now a) I never achieved your immersion into this personality and it's impulsive honesty, but rather I b) caused you to be slightly more careful with me after you understood the illnesses I carry. Sure, you may have given in a few times, but c) you changed as soon as you understood the diagnosis. I need to tell you I remain attached to you, but not nearly as much as I was before. I need to tell you I meant it when you said goodbye to go to Hawaii and the only reason I was so distant and unattached to your messages after you left is my manner of burning our bridge down and following Harry's advice, the same advice he gave you: I need to rethink myself as a person, redefine myself as simply Me instead of US, which has its sad, bitter taste and the sweet coating of a brand new adventure, a coming of age. Remember the pre-wedding party you took me to for your classmates? Remember the one guy I spoke to alone? Well, Harry said it wouldn't be too nice for me to hook up with him. I think I might, though you may think of me as a desperate, crazy, sad girl. I know you might be angry or wear an opinion like "Well, I understand, she does that," but let me say I am not the only one who can be condescending, and I am not the only one who is now not so sure what we had all along was love. Forgive me, but I can't stand allowing you to think I don't know every piece of this when I do. All of me, Abril
Dear AV, I love you. You said people make these feelings so complicated.. and you’re right. So let’s be simple. I love you. I will love you forever.. from the minute you sat in front of me in English five years ago to the minute you kissed me in the Denny’s parking lot five hours ago and all of the minutes in between. I loved you when I didn’t love you, when I was with someone else, when I’d see you from afar, when I told myself we didn’t belong together. I loved you and I love you and I will love you. I never told anyone this, but towards the end of my previous relationship.. the only relationship I have ever had between our teenage romance and our present-day connection.. I was feeling good about myself. Finally, one of the first times in my life, I felt secure in my body and my thoughts and my actions. I felt funny and charming and beautiful! I went out more, I talked more, I dressed up more.. I cut my hair and dyed it pink.. I wore high heels and bright red lipstick.. I swore like a sailor and danced like a diva and drank like a pirate and studied like a genius.. I got a new job and fell in love with it.. and the boy I was with wasn’t happy for me. He said he didn’t like all of the changes I was making because I didn’t need him anymore to be happy. I was angry, not because he was right (he was), but because he made it so clear that my happiness should depend on him and him alone. He and I aren’t together for many reasons, but that is most definitely one of them. I wanted to be with someone who was happy for me, who wanted me to thrive, who appreciated my confident in-the-sun self as opposed to the former me who would hide in other peoples’ shadows. You genuinely care about my happiness. You have shown me, together and apart, that you’d do anything to make me happy.. even when you thought that my happiness meant me needing space (you were right). We have grown up so much these past 2 years apart, and now I want to grow up with you by my side. We don’t need to hide in each others’ shadows. We can be each others’ sunlight. You radiate a warmth that I have never witnessed in any other human being; it is immeasurable by all accounts. But it would be an honor if I could mirror any kind of warmth back to you, to show you how glorious you are and to make you feel the way you make me feel. I love you. I love you and I am so happy to have you. I used to believe that I couldn’t make you happy enough, that you deserved more happiness than what I could provide. I also believed that I wasn’t capable of feeling complete happiness.. with another person, with myself, with the universe.. & I don’t know if it’s this newfound confidence or perhaps incredible good fortune or maybe just good timing, but I truly believe with every fiber of my soul that I am the girl who can make you the happiest. Out of the billions of people on this planet, I am more than content with you being the only one I need.. not to bring me joy, but to add to it. Like you said, we are not perfect. Far from it. But perhaps we are perfect for each other. Kyankis ktor.. you are the breadth of my soul. I have learned to encompass the universe in my bones and I’d love more than anything to have your hands hold my heart. Thank you for loving me. Always, Kels.
To my persecutor; As the years pass me by I must confess I had made bad decisions in life. I did make many mistakes, but this time I realized that it wasn’t all my fault. IT was not because I was stupid or dumb....the real reason was that after all these years I never truly saw all the lies you made me believe. Now I see that I am not as worthless as you wanted me to be. I am not retarded or useless, I am not fat like a cow or lazy as my mom. I am not a mediocre that you rescue from been worse. I don’t owe you money, food or shelter as you said I always did. At this point of my life I do want you to know that you have fucked up my entire self-esteem, I always felt like all this was my fault but the truth is that you were my persecutor. Because after every hit, after every kick and especially after every denigrating word you told me I never dared to fought back. I always stood fearful of your actions. I never told my parents or you mother of what you did because all this time you kept me feeling as if I was making all this up. Now, I see how you manipulate me back and forth. Always putting me down on one way or another and shutting me down just to make you feel the greatest. Many times I felt ashamed of who I was and all the things that I kept from telling people because I knew that snitching on your family is wrong. I still have memories of your insults, I still remember the way you used to cut me out and with just one movement shut every word that wanted to come out. If I move out of the house it was not because I was a slut that wanted to go head and leave with her boyfriend, It was not because I didn’t have any sense of responsibility or because I was a teenager acting out as you told everyone. It was YOU, I couldn’t kept leaving in fear, I couldn’t leave with anyone that would tell me he care about me only when he was drunk every other weekend, I couldn’t leave with someone that would come in my room to take money from my wallet and tell me afterwards, I couldn’t stand how everything you said was the right thing and I was always wrong. Do you remember how I would end up dealing with your frustration because you had a bad day at work??? maybe you don’t, but I still do. I still remember how you questioned my grades as an honor student if for you I was always dumb. You never show up at a parents’ teachers conference, you only complain about why they wanted to take your precious time. You never gave me or bought me any school supply and the book bag that I used for almost four years was one that you decided to throw out. Did you ever ask yourself how did I do it?? Did you ever stop to think what did I need besides all the canned food you brought and your weekly dinner that by the way I was not allow to eat more than once since I already look like a cow.
Do you remember the time I was cleaning the bathroom and as I was cleaning the tiles you got stress out because I was taking too long.......do you also remember how you took the brush out of hand and stuck it in my mouth??? Do you remember the week that my paycheck was late and I didn’t have the money you needed for your metro card?....Do you also remember what you did with bucket of hot water you had in your hands while I was telling that I didn’t have the money at the moment? Because I do remember all. I used to cry every time I’ll remember all this, I used to feel guilty and shameful; But now I see that you are the only person I should feel sorry for. Now, I know why you don’t dare to call me and every time we meet by coincidence you act so sweet. I could feel you are sorry, and you should. I know that all you do is talk behind people’s back, and I also know that deep inside you must be denigrating anyone that is in front of you. Whether they are black or white, Hispanic or white, fat or skinny. But I know exactly how disgusting are you.....I know you use drugs and that was the reason you were always broke....I know that you owe many people money because you are the one who is irresponsible. I know that being unaccented by your family because of your sex preference must be traumatic, but I had nothing to do with it. Today, I wish that I will never see you again. I wish you could stay as far away from me as possible because I have had nothing good out of you. I no longer care what do you think or what do you do. You are one of the most destructive persons I have known, but I survived you and I’m no longer afraid of telling what you did. I do not consider you my family, I do not owe you anything and if I ever did, I think is already paid for. I am aware of the damage you cause, but you obviously don’t. I wanted to tell you that now I’m fine, I am capable of many things you wish you did, I am in college and I will graduate, I live on my own and I am also about to be a single parent.....yeah! I became pregnant and that doesn’t make me less or a bitch; I have a full time job, something that you obviously are allergic to, I know that it will be tougher now that I have a child, but I bet you don’t even have the courage or the perseverance that I have. I cannot say that I care about you, neither can I say that I hate you. You are irrelevant at this point of my life. there is a lot of things that I could teach you about being a woman and how it has nothing to do with feeling shameful of being pregnant or giving birth or just as you used to say “ being after a man like Bitch”. You are so wrong, and the ironic part is that as a homosexual men you would think you will be more open-minded.....or a least try to be. And after all the therapy I have taken I can finally say that I will not forget what you did, however I do forgive you. Sincerely: Your niece.
I'm sending you so much love. I love you so much. You look like you might be a milk and cookies kind of person. Hmm, I might have liked to be a milk and cookies person. Something about them is warm and homey. What are your favorite bands? You must stay and tell me! It is beautiful here. If you truly don't belong here, I'm sure you will eventually go, dear. If home is elsewhere, home will have you back. In due time, your soul will know its enough, and earth will know its enough, and the cosmos will know its enough, and they will take you back. But baby, don't let it be your doing. Remember it is all temporary anyway. Remember that, and then play. Learn, and feel, and do, and love, and say, and see, and be. Don't take it all so seriously, and make your heart happy! You are here for those insides; do them justice. Follow that spirit, and your instinct, and the wits, and engage with life. Do your part, love, love, be, be. Stay here so we can play. Stay and let me kiss your face. Give me just a little time, tell me what makes you sad, what breaks you so, and let me love you the whole time. Stay and come sit with me when it gets really bad. From time to time I'll tell you to be alone. I know that you have an amazing light and strength inside of you, and that you will get yourself out. It needs to be you, because its the only way you'll know and be free. Realizing that a universe lives in you will make it so beautiful. And when it gets hard, you will have actually have life in you that can alleviate some of the darkness around you. I don't want you to miss out. I think you might come back to do it all over again, and it might hurt more then. I might be selfish too, and want you around so that I can love you in certain ways. Stay and make things with me. Or by yourself. Just stay and make things. Stay and do it all, or do nothing at all, but let that heart beat and and let yourself breathe. I love you. There are brilliant songs you must listen to! And there are some books that have broken my heart and please let me tell you about them. Sweetheart, have you taken a closer look at trees? There is math in them. Can you believe that? Look at the way it branches off. When I noticed, I fell in love. I appreciate heart and soul and spirit, but I'm a sucker for brain, and realizing that the Universe is this heart genius just really did me in. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like it if you showed me what you see. Tell me what you notice, and make me look again. Show me your lovely side of things, and show me the sad, and maybe sad at least won't be lonely. Though if you feel that lonely helps, I'll leave and you can write to me and tell me the rest. I love you. Stay.
Thank you.