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COUPLES

FINDING THE S T R E N G T H RECONNECT

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Te x t b y C a n d a c e M a t t i n g l y

Marriage is hard work and staying happy in the relationship is even harder.

All things need maintenance to keep them working. We repair our cars and our homes, but for some reason we hesitate to fix our relationships.

The divorce rate in the United States still hovers around 50%, even though according to an analysis of Decennial Census and American Community Survey data by Pew Research Center we marry later and fewer of us marry at all.

“All couples are made with two different people. No two people in the world are alike,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills relationship psychotherapist, author, The Self-Aware Parent, and expert co-star on Sex Box, WE tv, “great couples learn to build upon those differences.

They build upon each other’s strengths and let each other minimize their weaknesses.”

No one person is perfect. Mistakes happen. Communication breaks down. But when all the pressure builds up inside without an outlet, there are pieces of ourselves that start to falter. Perhaps we don’t confront it because we don’t want to hear the worst about ourselves or fear that our partner will respond negatively.

Whatever the reasons for the breakdown in the marriage, it is time to recover and reconnect - with yourself and your partner.

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THE CHEATING CUPID Gregory is a successful attorney who lives in an upscale neighborhood. He, his wife, and two boys vacation in the Bahamas and ski in Aspen. They attend all the right parties and are envied by their friends and family for having the perfect life. “We were consistently told that we were the perfect couple,” he confides, asking that we not use their real names for privacy.

The day before Valentine’s Day last year, Gregory discovered his wife had joined Ashley Madison, the now infamous cheaters dating website. “I was watching television and her iPad kept dinging. I picked it up and saw text messages from a Sam. They were fairly generic, but one popped curiosity in my head.” Gregory’s wife had dinner plans with her friends nearby, but one of the text messages gave directions to a place several towns away. He swiped open the iPad and discovered several inappropriate text messages between his wife and Sam. It took Gregory a few weeks to approach his wife, “I didn’t know what to do. As an attorney, I had to do my due diligence before confronting her. The more I researched, the more that I began to realize that there are more than the two of us in this marriage. I rarely see my boys because of my career and I didn’t want to risk losing more time with them. I had to find it in me to forgive her and fix the issues of our marriage.”

THE SPOON AND THE PLATE “My college roommate had one of those Quotables magnets that said something like, ‘if you don’t like someone, the way they hold a spoon will drive you crazy, but if you do, they could dump a plate on your lap and you wouldn’t care,’” recounts Caroline, a housewife from Tennessee. She describes her husband as a traditional, midwestern husband, a man that works hard to bring home a paycheck, but “for many years, he made us feel like we should be thankful that he graced us with his presence.”

Twenty years into their marriage, Caroline decided her husband was either going to change or she was going to leave. “I was so unhappy. My kids were unhappy. He became our spoon.”

When Caroline told her husband that she wanted a divorce, he went ballistic. He told her everything that she feared he’d say. He moved into an apartment and for the next three months he did not contact his family. During their son’s high school football game, he sent Caroline a text message and it simply said, “I’m coming home.”

“I shook with anger at his audacity,” she continues, “yet, I was not absolutely shocked that he’d once again put his needs before ours.”

Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills relationship psychotherapist, author, The Self-Aware Parent, and expert co-star on Sex Box, WE tv.

DR. FRAN’S TOP TIPS Married couples need to extend grace for minor annoyances. People -- all people -- can get on our nerves.

This is especially true for the ones we love. Great couples have learned how to move past the minor distractions and focus on the major things like love and commitment.

Relationships can never be split 50-50 100% of the time.

Great couples learn how to share, sacrifice, and serve each other. There will be times and elements where one partner gives 100% and other areas where the other partner gives 100%. This is acceptable, as long as each partner takes their turn in sharing the responsibility.

Everyone is busy, but if the amount of time spent building a relationship changes it can cause friction. Maintaining the time you’ve previously spent together bonding is an important element to keeping the relationship alive.

Great partners know themselves and work to continue to understand themselves and their partner. Learn to forgive and forget the mental lists of errors and mistakes.

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2.

3.

4.

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Give up trying to control other people, especially your partner.

Praise every increment in yourself toward independence and moving outward into the world.

Cherish your ability to stand on your own.

View people as good until they demonstrate otherwise. Most people are good. Those who are not will reveal themselves in time and you can weed out the ones who are not worthy of your friendship.

Do not strive for perfection. Be “good enough.”

Build self-esteem toward self and others by using words that support and motivate with empathic attunement, rather than criticism.

Express your feelings in the moment. Do not allow anger and disappointment to build up inside you. Say what you feel clearly and respectfully. It will free you.

Give yourself special time. Take 10-15 minutes each day to be with yourself and chill. You’d be surprised how challenging this is when you have a partner and children tugging at you 24/7. Give yourself short, undivided, positive attention each day to nourish and fortify you.

THEMILLMAGAZINE.COM•EDITION 6 NO. 3•CONNECTING COMMUNITY

RETURN TO LOVE AND COMMITMENT Gregory wrote his wife a love list reminding her of all the reasons they had fallen in love. “The last two items on the list were that I had forgiven her for the affairs and that her happiness was my happiness,” he explains.

Their story took an unusual turn, but one that is becoming more common in the U.S. “We are still together, however, we no longer live under the same roof. It might sound strange, but we have never been happier. We are able to lead fulfilling lives, but on our own terms.”

Gregory says it took him a while to understand his wife’s wishes for a non-traditional marriage. He admits that he was not thrilled about the decision to live separately, “I spent a lot of time worrying about what people would say about our marriage. My wife, it turns out, never liked the pressure of being a perfect couple. This is our marriage and how we choose to live it is our concern, not a community discussion.” They are now neighbors and the boys are able to go between the houses without restrictions.

FINDING THEIR WAY BACK When Caroline arrived home that night, her husband handed her a business card for a relationship therapist.

“Even when you think you know someone, there can still be a depth that you haven’t reached. My husband finally confided to his best-friend that we had split up. Turns out that his best-friend has been in couples therapy for five years,” she explains.

“

All couples are made with two different people. . . great couples learn to build upon those differences. They build upon each other’s strengths and let each other minimize their weaknesses.

”

~ Dr. Fran Walfish

Through sharing, we learn that we are not alone in our pain. As part of treatment, their therapist had them share the things that they hated about each other. They were both hurt and angry. Her husband threatened to move out again, then something amazing happened. Carolina shares, “everything was on the table and there was nowhere to hide. We knew what we disliked about the other. We could only build up from there.”

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”

– Leo F. Buscaglia, best-selling author known as Dr. Love We are all different people and all marriages are unique.

We can no longer hold ourselves to a standard that is a preconceived notion of what a marriage is supposed to be. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you are having trouble in your marriage, now is the time to act.

You just might be surprised by your strength and your partner's reaction.

aM T M T H E M I L L M AG A Z I N E

Candace Mattingly studied English literature and interpersonal communications at UNC. She lives with her husband, twin toddlers, and their dog in North Carolina.

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Downtown Los Angeles, CA

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New Bedford, MA

THE OLD NEIGHBORHOOD Bringing It Back With Wine & Some Paint Te x t b y Jo e l l e M c T i g u e

New communities in historic districts and Main Streets are formed from the admiration of a communally claimed history and future that is still being formed. The duties and obligations in these communities are first taken on by the truest believers, volunteer labor, and evolve into organized non-profits. Once organized, business, investment, and money can be lead back into the city and local economy.

Winter Haven, FL

This evolution can be seen today in three cities across the United States: Downtown Los Angeles, California; New Bedford, Massachusetts; and Winter Haven, Florida. Each city is in a different stage of revitalization, however, each city reflects the community that revitalized it. We are what we build and the connection cannot be detached.

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DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES IS ALMOST A CITY AGAIN “Honestly, I just wanted to live in a city that met my urban fantasy. My timing was perfect as there was a collective conscience building that wanted to add density and vibrancy to Downtown,” said Blair Besten, Executive Director of the Historic Core Business Improvement District in Downtown Los Angeles.

Downtown Los Angeles, much like its population, has been slow to grow out of its infancy. Residential development has risen over the last twenty years. Six years ago, there was a boost of interest in the South Park district with the opening of L.A. Live, an entertainment destination.

The Historic Core district, the city’s original Bank District and Entertainment Corridor, has been the most influential revitalization district. Many of its buildings were designed by John Parkinson in the early 20th Century and built to the city’s limit of twelve stories. These skyscrapers were to match the

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grandness of the theatre palaces on Broadway within the district and were to compete with New York’s Broadway.

The decadent displays of the wealth and faith in the city that streamed into the newly metropolitan Downtown Los Angeles only lasted forty years. By the late 1950s, the banks moved to nearby Bunker Hill and the residents moved to the suburbs. For nearly fifty years, the original bank buildings were left empty and the theatres fell into disrepair.

During the 1990’s, the old bank buildings were bought by individuals and families seeking long-term investments.

Abandonment for nearly fifty years meant that the new owners were not heavily policed by city officials in the beginning and the buildings were slowly filled with artists looking for cheap rent.

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A needed component in bringing a community back to life is property ownership that understands the relationship between revival, arts, walkable streets, and a tenant's willingness to live there. Tom Gilmore of Gilmore Associates is one property owner that understood these components. Gilmore renovated three notable Historic Core buildings: San Fernando, Hellman, and Continental.

The San Fernando used to boast being one of the most elegant office buildings in Los Angeles. The stunning Italian Renaissance Revival has been renovated into seventy loft apartments with the restaurants Ledlow’s and Baco Mercat on the ground floor.

The Hellman building hosts six stories adorned with classic decor and terra cotta demonstrative of the classic 20th century commercial architecture. It now has 104 lofts, two penthouses, and a ground floor retail.

The Continental is known as the first skyscraper to enter the Los Angeles skyline and is adorned with terra cotta, lionheads, and pediments; it has also been renovated into lofts.

The Historic Core neighborhood sought foot traffic for their developing artist neighborhood. The Downtown Art Walk began as a neighborhood initiative over a decade ago to introduce the newly minted Gallery Row to audiences and eventually became a nonprofit. Today, this self-guided art tour attracts nearly 50,000 visitors and has shaped outsiders’ views on what Downtown can be for Angelenos. The Art Walk was the first event that brought people back into the city and encouraged them to explore the streets and the art organically.

In the past year, the landscape of Downtown has drastically changed. People fill the streets after sundown and new hotels are opening that strive to be a part of the arts and culture community.

The Ace Hotel Downtown Los Angeles opened in the old Artists United Theatre and embraced the building’s history to establish itself as an entertainment and cultural landmark.

As Downtown leaves its infancy, its growth will be dependent on the community who creates its identity rather than the commercial real estate developments that create the skyline.

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NO MORE WHALES, PLENTY OF ART WITH YOUR SEAFOOD New Bedford, Massachusetts was one of America’s most important whaling ports in the 19th Century, and by extension one of the world’s richest towns. Prior to the invention of electricity, nearly all lamps were powered by whale oil. Located on the southern coast of Massachusetts, the city’s cobbled streets were also the setting for the opening of the book Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. The Seaman's Bethel, a chapel immortalized in the book, stands today as a part of New Bedford Whaling National Historical Park.

The former president of The Waterfront Historic Area League (WHALE), Sarah Delano once said, “If you bulldoze your heritage, you become just anywhere.” Through the use of grants and other funds, for over fifty years, WHALE has partnered to save more than 50 historic structures and led the establishment of the New Bedford Whaling National Historic Park.

In allowing for architectural renovation and preservation, the New Bedford area has been infused with a new sense of

integrated arts and culture. The most pronounced architectural save was the last grand cinema of New Bedford, the Zeiterion Theatre. The theatre was going to be flattened into a parking lot, but was remodelled and reopened as a performing arts center in 1982.

New Bedford now has the largest per capita artist population in the nation. It has drawn artists from the greater New England area, including the nearby Rhode Island School of Design, with lower rents than within the city center.

As the city transitioned into an artist’s city, nonprofits were founded to bridge the artists’ efforts and to draw future business back to the cobble stoned streets. WHALE, AHA! (Art, History & Architecture) and New Bedford Art Museum/ArtWorks latest collective project is a multi-use three story building at 139 Union Street that will be restored and converted into a ground floor gallery, artist studios, nonprofit coworking spaces, and artist live-work spaces.

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AHA!’s main initiative is a monthly arts and culture evening in downtown that focuses on individual artists and projects. The event also contributes to the city’s image as an arts and cultural destination that can be paired with seafood dinners brought in straight of the boats.

Visitors may discover New Bedford on their way to Martha’s Vineyard or the nearby islands, but more of them are making the city a part of the trip and giving the city the revenue it needs to continue building the community it already has.

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OLD TOWN FLORIDA IS ONCE AGAIN When people think of Florida, their mind usually goes to Miami Beach or Disney World. Florida is more complex than young tanned bodies and burnt tourists in Disney gear. Saint Augustine is the oldest city in America and several regions throughout Florida were a part of creating the first Main Streets of America. Thirty miles southwest of Disney World sits The City of Winter Haven, a fully revitalized and designated “Florida Main Street City.”

Winter Haven was home to America’s first theme park, Cypress Gardens, which opened in 1936. The park began to decline when the nearby Disney World opened in 1971. The property changed hands and names over the next thirty years and the economy of the surrounding town also suffered. Most businesses and residents had left by the 1980’s and the downtown area fell into disrepair. In the mid-1990s, local property owners saw an opportunity to stimulate the local economy and arts by investing in themselves.

Six/Ten, a local Winter Haven commercial real estate investment group, bought more than half of the downtown area.

The buildings were stripped of their interiors and refitted for contemporary medical and professional needs. All the buildings retained the original facades to keep the feeling of the Main Street intact. The investment group is wholly owned by local residents who see the opportunity in embracing your ambition by restoring your community.

As the movement grew to incorporate more of the town, the emphasis on preserving buildings’ facades and signage was maintained. The oversight transitioned to a nonprofit that could create grants for local property owners.

The town officiated its plans in 1995 by establishing the nonprofit Main Street Winter Haven that would begin working hand in hand with the city on its National Main Street Approach

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to revitalize its town center.

The National Main Street Approach is a four point plan by the National Trust for Historic Preservation that leverages local assets to build a sustainable community; it includes organization, promotion, design, and economic restructuring that are based in local architectural and cultural heritage and community pride. This strategy has been successful in revitalizing over 2,200 cities across the United States.

Winter Haven is a success in the revitalization of a historic district. The town is filled with arts, culture, and commerce to sustain the residents around it, even if the former Cypress Garden, now Legoland, Florida closes.

WE ARE OUR HISTORY Without history, humans would lack identity and understanding outside of themselves. It is understanding our roots that allows us to propel forward and continue to build upon a foundation.

Countless beautiful historic neighborhoods have been abandoned over the years. The efforts of artists, citizens, nonprofits, business owners, and the greater community are all needed to restore historic architectural beauty and forge a new identity.

If you choose to ignore the community, you have no right to try to run it. Contributing to your community is how many find themselves and faith in something more.

Today a revitalization project might just be a coat of paint by artists to make it look presentable. But, tomorrow it is the story of how businesses found their way back into the city center.

Rebuilding America is the most liberal and conservative thing any American can do. Believing in and building a new community in its ashes is the most faithful. We should all want some faith that began with some wine and a little paint.

aM T M T H E M I L L M AG A Z I N E

Joelle McTigue is a visual artist based in Los Angeles who has studied at Paolo Soleri’s Arcosanti and worked in real estate development in the Historic Core in Downtown Los Angeles. She holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.

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THE CORNER STORE MUSICIAN MUSIC REVALUATION Te x t

by Simon Johns

“Record sales aren’t what they used to be. The devaluation of music and what it’s now deemed to be worth is laughable to me. My single costs 99 cents. That’s what a [single] cost in 1960. On my phone, I can get an app for 99 cents that makes fart noises — the same price as the thing I create and speak to the world with. Some would say the fart app is more important. It’s an awkward time. Creative brains are being sorely mistreated,” Vince Gill, in a 2012 interview with Gayle Thompson of The Boot.

Vince Gill released 20 studio albums, 40 singles were on the billboard charts, sold over 26 million albums, and won 18 Country Music Association Awards and 20 Grammy Awards. To say he was a big name in Country music just might be an understatement.

What he has to say about the state of the music business caused me pause. I will admit that I have paid 99 cents for a fart app and for an app that makes different gun sounds. Seperately though, I have also contributed to crowdfunding music projects, some famous groups, but also locally known musicians.

The music industry has drastically changed since its business model heyday in the 1980s and 1990s. The way that we purchase music now is different and predominantly changed with the introduction of Napster and iTunes. Fred LeBlanc of the Louisiana band Cowboy Mouth recently said, “It's gone back to its original model. You've got to

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understand, everybody looks at the 80s and 90s, when people were buying CDs, paying $15 for essentially one or two songs that they liked. And everybody looks at that as the norm. That wasn't the norm.”

four time multi-platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). This means that eight million copies were sold for about $2,800,000 in sales or about $25 million in today’s dollars.

When Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley released records, they would sell millions of singles. The average price for a single record in 1956 was 35 cents, which is about $3 today. You have to remember that the whole $3 does not go to the artist. A portion goes to the record label, manager, agent, recording studios, producers, songwriters, engineers, and pressing of the records.

According to RIAA, Rihanna was the first artist to reach 100 million certified digital single units in June. “Gold & Platinum is the industry’s premier way to celebrate achievement in the marketplace,” said Cary Sherman, Chairman & CEO, RIAA. “We’ve given awards to artists for nearly 60 years, but it’s rare that we have the opportunity to recognize a milestone like the one Rihanna has reached.” Celebrating the achievement is one thing, but understanding how it correlates to sales in the 1950s

Hound Dog was one of Elvis’ first hits in 1956 and was certified

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Fred LeBlanc of Cowboy Mouth performing in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Photographed by Carl Lender.

becomes very difficult. When Elvis sold records, the math was simple. Today, a unit is equivalent to one single sale or 100 streams. For every 100 streams, Rihanna could make as little as one cent. It’s one of the reasons Taylor Swift pulled her music from the streaming service Spotify last year.

Only three artists have more than 50 million certified digital single units: Rihanna, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry. These are three huge names in music right now, so to compare them to Elvis, is fair enough, but to compare what they make to other musicians today is not fair.

We need to change the way artists are paid for their music

because we have changed the way we are consuming it. We need to change our thinking and start respecting our local musicians. The record labels do not have the piles of money they had twenty years ago to develop new talent. Which means that fewer musicians are getting record deals, while a greater number of musicians are choosing to stay independent. For the independent artist, we are their direct line to sustainability.

FAMOUS AND CROWDFUNDING Terre Roche, formerly of the group The Roches discovered by Paul Simon in 1975, released a dozen records for major labels and toured constantly. In 2012, she wrote an opinion piece for The New York Times talking about her experience with

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crowdfunding for her latest endeavor with the band Afro-Jersey.

Three months prior to writing the article she had never heard of Kickstarter, “I had never done anything like that before," said Roche, “Asking people to contribute to my project at first seemed like fun.”

Terre soon realized that she was now doing the job that someone at the record label used to do for her and she was no longer just the musician. “I was thrilled as first-responders offered up their credit card numbers to a strange website in order to show me that they cared.”

An unfortunate side-effect for Terre was that along with the contributions came emails with tales of illness, lost jobs, and losses in the stock market. She ended up donating to an M.S. walk in honor of one man’s wife. “I needed to apply discipline and not deplete my own bank account while trying to raise money for Afro-Jersey.”

The Kickstarter campaign fell more than $13,000 short of their goal, raising $8,385. On Kickstarter when a campaign falls short

of its goal, all the money goes back to contributors and the band receives nothing.

They quickly moved onto Indiegogo which allowed the band to keep everything they raised, even when they fell short of their goal. “That campaign just ended with $4,400 in the pot.

Out of this, 9 percent goes to Indiegogo, 25 percent to the I.R.S. and about $800 to the manufacturing and shipping out of the rewards promised to donors.”

VALUE OF MUSIC Songs and albums released by the majority of musicians are a piece of them and considered one of their babies. I’m not talking about the pop stars. I am talking about the people that have dedicated their lives to enriching ours.

What is the value of music? That has been an ongoing debate ever since Napster shocked the world with their file sharing service in 1999. Previously, we shared mixtapes and CDs with our friends. Napster brought the ability to share files with people all over the world. What we call sharing, the musicians called stealing.

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To set the stage for this era, MTV’s TRL (Total Request Live) ruled the music business. It was a countdown show of the hottest music, otherwise known as advertising the biggest releases from the music labels. The viewers went out in droves to buy the CDs of the musicians and groups featured on the show. Like Fred LeBlanc of Cowboy Mouth said, if you wanted the one song, you had to buy the album.

The amount of money spent on music was at an all time high. The top albums of the year came from all genres and included: Garth Brooks, DMX, Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit, TLC, Foxy Brown, Nine Inch Nails, Creed, and Celine Dion. The RIAA had to introduce a new certification level, Diamond for sales over ten million units.

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Lawsuits by Metallica and Dr. Dre took down Napster in 2001, but the damage was done. The music industry lost more than half its revenue over the next decade, according to Forrester Research, only 64% of Americans who buy digital music think that the music is worth paying for.

The downfall of the music industry could be good for the artists.

"The industry is actively doing a lot of things that are putting us back on the right path," said RIAA's former Vice President Joshua Friedlander. "We're switching to an access model from a purchase model."

This could be a golden era of music, but that’s reliant on two things:

the listener pays the musician for the music and the musician is an astute marketer.

the world probably would never have known the masters like Michelangelo or Leonardo.

THE SMALL BUSINESS MUSICIAN The popularity of Kickstarter, an online crowdfunding platform, generated several similar websites like Indiegogo, PledgeMusic, and Patreon.

Today rather than being trained as an apprentice, they usually start taking lessons early in life and attend special programs to gain the skills required to be a musician. Songs take time to perfect for release to the public. When you buy music, you are not only paying for the finished product, but also the work it took to get it there.

Patreon, takes us back to the days of patronage from the 14th to 17th centuries. The Renaissance probably would not have happened without patronage. Musicians and artists are tradesmen like carpenters and stonemasons. They learn a craft in order to share what’s in their soul. Without patronage,

The majority of musicians are not famous. They practice nightly after work and perform on weekends because it is their passion.

The local musician helps to create the culture of your community.

Patreon allows the listener to pay the artist for their continued work. Unlike Kickstarter, this platform is not about promoting in order to make an album. It is about making music and getting paid for completing it on an on-going basis.

Patreon was co-founded in 2013 by Jack Conte, half of the YouTube sensation Pomplamoose. After the initial success of Pomplamoose, Jack went into a downward spiral attempting to take his music to the next level and write a hit song. For three years, the band didn’t release anything.

Nataly Dawn, the other half of Pomplamoose raised over $100,000 for a solo tour. While she was gone, Jack attempted to get back to his happy place, making music videos. For the next three months, he slaved away on a Sci-Fi set with two dancing robots. The three and half minute video cost him nearly all of his savings and he was in about $3500 worth of credit card debt.

“Looking back on that...that was dumb. I’m proud of this [video].

I like what I made. Here’s how online content works. This [video] goes to the world for free. It’s free to watch. That’s good. I want it to be free. Right? I’m a starving musician, I want exposure. I want people to have access to my music,” Jack explained.

Photo of Jack Conte and Nataly Dawn of Pomplamoose performing in San Francisco, CA.

“For the first time in history, ever, for humans, we can listen to

It's not about the kings anymore, it's about the creative middle class . . . . . .

each other's ideas for free. I can talk to anyone in the world using the internet. That’s never happened before for musicians. This is the best time to be a creative person because nothing is stopping you.”

As an independent musician, half of Jack’s job is making music videos to share with the world and doing it for free so that more people have access to his music. At the same time, his music needs to make money. The money Pomplamoose made in 2009 on YouTube no longer makes money for them because the competition has increased from a few to tens of thousands of YouTube content creators.

Jack spoke at the 2013 Seattle Interactive Conference, “It’s not about the kings anymore, it’s about this creative middle class.

People that are reaching people in these micro niches,” Jack continued, “The small business musician, the corner store making a living. They’re not Walmart. They’re not Target.” For these musicians, it is not about becoming a star or even famous.

It is about making a living and continuing to make music.

YouTube and online platforms are not guaranteed money. For instance, a YouTube video with a pre-roll ad and 400,000 views makes about $50. A few months after the launch of Patreon, Jack had just over $6,500 pledged per music video. He makes one video per month. Now he has a salary and a funding source to make his videos every month.

aM T M T H E M I L L M AG A Z I N E

Simon Johns was glued to the television watching old black and white movies as a kid. He’d run around the house pretending to be a reporter with a piece of paper tucked into his hat. Simon’s mom bought him a Remington 5 when he was 12. If you hear a typewriter at your local coffee shop, Simon asks that you refrain from breaking his concentration. Creative types, am I right?

. . . the small business musician, the corner store making a living. ~ Jack Conte of Pomplamoose

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P PROVISIONS ...it’s about food and drink

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KOINONIA BUILDING COMMUNITY THROUGH FOOD Te x t b y W i l l i a m E m e r s o n

Food, in my opinion, is the most powerful weapon on the planet. It has the power to incite riots and conversely has the power to bond. The intention and relationship with food defines a culture.

“Most people who love good food, love to share good food. It is wanting to share the same exact experience with someone else,” said Ellen Gedra, Co-Owner of The Black Sheep. Recounting the meals she shares with her staff, “my cooks and I eat off the same plate or spoon on a daily basis.

Each plate is different. If someone picks up a different nuance it is something you want to notice as well or offer a differing opinion.”

For every day that the cooks at Black Sheep share a meal, they are building a rapport and a deeper community. We create memories around food and when we share those experiences with others, we have a shared story.

Since the beginning of time, food built communities and culture. In the last fifty years, we removed ourselves from traditional community building. Americans purposefully insulate themselves during a meal, which has caused triggered warnings to tourists.

“It is usually inappropriate to join a table already occupied by other diners, even if it has unused seats,” United States WikiTravel etiquette section advises, "Americans prefer and expect this degree of privacy when they eat."

What happened to us that we became aggressive, do not disturb diners?

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BREAKING BREAD IN FELLOWSHIP “The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see,” Sir Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of the UK and honorary United States citizen.

For centuries, few limitations kept us from breaking bread together. We’d prefer to dine with empty chairs and read our phones than have an exchange with a stranger.

Breaking bread is a metaphor for having a meal together. The phrase dates back centuries and can even be found in the New Testament, Acts 2: The Fellowship of Believers: “And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread...”

Fellowship is not just a Christian teaching. The word fellowship descends from the Ancient Greek word, Koinonia (COY-NOKNEE-A) meaning the camaraderie between friends, to build a community or society. The ancient Greeks believed that working together would produce greater results than the work of several individuals.

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For the ancient Greeks, “Koinonia, is a complex, rich, and thoroughly fascinating Greek approach to building community or teamwork,” according to How the Greeks Created the First Age of Innovation by Robert Porter Lynch & Ninon Prozonic Papanicolas. One can not achieve Koinonia without generous sharing, the selflessness of giving of a tangible thing; partnership, the common effort that aligns parties; community, a consciousness that drives the group to action; and fellowship, the sharing of joys and pains that unite through common experiences overriding each individual’s pride, vanity, and individualism.

COMMUNAL DINING A major wave of immigrants came to the United States in the mid-19th century, men left farms for the cities, and women left their families to work in mill towns, they all sought the same thing: economic opportunity. These men and women moved without family or friends to find food and shelter at one of the many boarding houses available across the country. Boarding houses often catered to a certain demographic: women-only, kosher, or country. The boarding houses served as community

hubs, bonding these strangers over the dining table. More like a bed and breakfast than a hotel, “you were called once for meals.

If you were late, your meal was in someone else’s stomach,” Janice Davies’ grandfather lived in a boarding house in 1906, “my grandfather left his family behind to find work in Philadelphia.

After three months, he not only saved enough money to move his family to Philadelphia, but he also had a built-in community for them to socialize. It made the transition to the city easier.”

As the men and women moved out of the boarding house, vending machines, or automats replaced the bagged lunch. The meals were freshly made by people behind the spinning wheel drums of the chrome and brass vending machines framed in Italian marble. Anyone with a nickel could order directly from the machine and dine in the dining room. This made the automat a democratic dining experience, where a white-collar worker could dine with a blue-collar worker or even a homeless person.

Playwright Neil Simon, most famous for The Odd Couple, essentially grew up in automats. He claimed that he learned more

from his dining partners than he did studying at Princeton. In the book, A History of New York in 101 Objects, Neil recalls his experience and conversation with a stranger: “And the years went by and I turned from a day customer to a night patron, working on those first attempts at monologues and sketches at two in the morning, over steaming black coffee and fresh cheese Danish. And a voice from the stranger opposite me.” “‘Where you from? California?’ “‘No. I grew up in New York.’ “‘Is that so? Where in New York?’ “‘At this table.’”

During the 1970s, inflation forced out the automat for a more economical fast food service that included cashiers. There was our decline, food as fast as possible, shoved into our mouth, so

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THE BLACK SHEEP we can move on to more important things.

It's no wonder that foreigners cannot understand our culture's relationship with food. We don't have a relationship, we have one night stands.

Mass media encourages us to have family dinner time.

Food movements attempt to reeducate us about the value of food. Restaurants created new concepts to try to inspire us to break bread with strangers. For the most part, they have all been rebuffed.

SMALL PLATES If you Google “communal dining,” you will come across several articles and blog posts denouncing the communal dining trend, while upholding the new, individualized American dining style. A communal dining etiquette article

by Bon Appetit says, “if you eat at cool new restaurants, you will one day find yourself sitting next to strangers at a huge table. And, it can be downright stressful.”

Restaurants around the country are trying to break our habits and rebuild community with food, however, a concept can only take us so far. A restaurant can have big tables and make people sit together, but if the patrons are unwilling to discover elements outside of our bubbles, the concept has failed.

A newer concept has emerged in the Americans’ distaste for dining with strangers, small plates. The idea is borrowed from Spain, which is famous for their tapas, small savory dishes served at the bar. Perhaps this is a baby-step towards breaking bread with strangers, sharing small plates with friends.

There are small plate restaurants in nearly every market.

In January, a Carolina favorite, Tupelo Honey Cafe announced that they were introducing Southern Small plates, “we believe that eating together is good for you.”

If you’re ready to try small plates, I recommend venturing to these three restaurants: The Black Sheep (blacksheepbuffalo.com), 367 Connecticut Street, Buffalo, NY, opened last summer after the owners Ellen and Steve Gedra shuttered their wildly popular Bistro Europa. The Black Sheep focuses on seasonal, house-made, handcrafted foods from local farmers served on small plates. Executive Chef Steve is fond of the pig and serves it in so many interesting ways. Whatever you eat, save room for Ellen’s famous sticky toffee pudding.

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THE CAZBAH The Cazbah (thecazbah.com), 16 West McBee Avenue, Greenville, SC, opened in 2000 offering a destination dining experience. The tapas restaurant and wine bar’s menu changes quarterly offering a range of cuisines, from Asian-inspired to traditional American.

The atmosphere is unapologetically sleek and sexy, leave the kids at home, and enjoy the small plates with friends.

Don’t forget to order the lobster cigars, over one million have been served.

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DRIFTWOOD Driftwood Southern Kitchen (driftwoodraleigh.com), 8460 Honeycutt Road, Raleigh, NC, opened in 2014 to rave reviews. This farm to table restaurant was born to celebrate the local farmers, a strong love for southern ingredients and southern hospitality. They Invite you to come, enjoy the small plates, create memories, and share your experiences. Put the brisket and mac and cheese on your bucket list.

BRING TRADITION BACK If you’re ready to dive into a communal dining experience.

Head down to Savannah, Georgia and step into a longtime southern tradition at The Wilkes House (mrswilkes.com), 107 West Jones Street, Savannah, Georgia.

Sema Wilkes joined her husband at a boarding house in downtown Savannah, Georgia in 1943. She helped in the kitchen for the next twenty-two years, when she and her husband purchased the property as a part of a Savannah Historic Foundation project. Continuing the family style dining tradition, a line gathers each morning. At 11 o’clock, the doors open and the lunch crowd finds seats at one of the large tables-for-ten shared by strangers. Today, Ryon Thompson continues his grandmother’s dream of serving home-style Southern cooking to cultivate relationships among neighbors and strangers.

There is a lot of talk about bringing America back. This means something different to everyone. I propose that we resolve to start solving our problems over a meal.

Just like every plate, we are also unique. Putting down our phones and reconnecting with people in real life is a way to break down our walls: vanity, pride, and individualism.

We are a divided nation, and now it’s time to step out of our boxes and learn to reunite. Aesop had it right, “united we stand, divided we fall.”

No matter your race, religion, or creed, the common experience that unites us is food. Let’s use its power to forge a bond and stand united once again.

aM T M T H E M I L L M AG A Z I N E

William Emerson is a Christian, patriot, and small town boy who enjoys football, food, and everything American. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit."

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