My Esay Is Reellyy, Reelly Goooooddd

Lorin Scaiano

Being a student is a conastant cycle of pretending to do my work, eating subpar food, and having dishes in the sink. Today, my goal was to write a simple essay. I walk in my front door and hear a beep come from that pesky carbon monoxide detector. Not my problem.

Sitting down, the essay comes easy at first. The intro paragraph is done, with the strong thesis that “electricity causes more problems than it solves.” I go to write the next section but that beep comes back. “BEEP,” again and again. When will it end? This beeping will be the death of me! Annoying, but no issue. Stacking three different chairs, I get my grippers on that pesky device and rip out its batteries—no more beeping.

I never liked batereis. They rattle and roll, taste like energy drinks, and blow up my Samsung Note 7. How mayny times have you been wakling on a seemingly trustworthy ground, when out of nowhere a devious battery rolls through, placing itself at the perfect angel to send your feet out from under you, your socks off your feet, and your shoes through the ceiling? Too many I say, down with batereis!

I toss the batereis into the sink, letting the garbage disposal deal with them. Angangangang. It tears them to shreds, and I continue writing my essay. My masterpiece. My magnm opus. It gets better and better, each word flowing into eachother with the eloquence of a poet. Am I a God? Am I the best autor to grace this earth? Shakespear cannot compare; writign is my calling!

As I marvel in the grandeur of my incredible piece, my work of literrary art that none can compete, I feel my energy drain. I am feeling super sllepy and disortiented. I’m surorunded by swirly, colorful shapes that are making my head spin. The walls are meling, and the sentences in my essay are dancing around like jummprope. It’s like I’m drunnk or something, but I didn’t even have a sip of alcohol today. I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating, but I’m too dazed to be sure. Maybe I should have paid more attention to that beep. Now my head feels like it’s underwater and my body is heavy like a ton of brinks. I’m just going to rest my eyes for a little bti...