What To Do If Your Roommate’s a Mess

We’ve all been there. It’s Thursday afternoon. After a long day of school and looking at screens all day, we want nothing more than to go back to our dorm room and watch more videos on our phone screens. But we can’t. Our roommate left for the weekend. And they left the room a mess. Dirty Blundstones are thrown across the room, clothes are all over their bed, and half-eaten food is left on their desk. What are we supposed to do?

It’s your lucky day! Here is a what-to-do guide on what to do if your roommate is a mess:

1. Don’t tell your RA. While it would make sense to tell your RA about the situation, we all know that the RA’s don’t really do anything. You’re an adult, and your roommate is an adult, so just cut out the middleman and handle it like adults. Here are some options to choose from to help you handle the situation like an adult:

2. Tell your RA. Yes, I know I just said not to, but you can also tell your RA. But instead of just showing them a mess, why not throw in an empty alcohol bottle to spice things up? There are plenty of empty beer bottles in the Back 40, so go and grab one and place it in the middle of their mess. Bring in your RA and act like you know nothing. Following a Level II violation and punishment from the Student Handbook by the RD’s, your roommate will quickly learn their lesson.

3. Start a Roommate War. No one knows your roommate as well as you do. No one knows their biggest dreams, their favourite memories, or their darkest fears except for you. Use this to your advantage. Tape their underwear to the window of your room with a sign saying, “This is ----’s underwear!” Take the clothes outside and throw them over the bushes outside your window. Sell their Blundstones on Facebook Marketplace. Eat the rest of their half-eaten food. Wait for them to come back and watch their reaction.

4. Start a Prank War. If the above option was chosen, I suggest following with a prank war idea. “It wasn’t me, I would never have pranked my roommate! It must’ve been Douglas, or Fraser, or Skidmore!”—is all a roommate would have to say to get out of trouble. And trust me, they’ll believe you. Why would a roommate prank another roommate? That doesn’t make sense. But Douglas pranking Fraser? Oh yeah, that’s much more believable.

5. Call their mom. We are far enough along in the year that you have probably met your roommate’s parents already. You have probably talked, chatted, and maybe even laughed over a few baby pictures of your roomie. At the very least, you know their first name. Go to Facebook. Look up their mom’s name in your roommate’s followers list and send her a picture of the mess with the text, “Monica, is this how you raised your kid? You and I both know that they are much better than this.” After your roommate returns from wherever the heck they went over the weekend, they should clean up their mess.

6. Have them banned from TWUSA. I heard from the new TWUSA president that since TWUSA technically owns its lounge, they could theoretically ban people from coming in the lounge and all TWUSA-affiliated branches. That would mean no free printing, no free coffee, and, worst of all, no Mars’ Hill or Pillar for the roommate. This is a very extreme reaction to a messy room, so I would only suggest that this option be used if the roommate is a repeat defender. Jeremy Joosten is a nice guy, I’m sure he’d hate it if he really had to ban people from the lounge.

These are only a few options to pick from if you and your roommate run into a mess. Use this knowledge wisely.

From a student who just wants to help.