The Incredibly Difficult and Noble Life of a Water Enthusiast

Dr. I.P. Waters

Editor’s note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

You know him, you love him, and a lot of you have pined for him on the @twuconfessionsrevived Instagram page. Here is an enlightening interview with a fourth-year MCOM major and TWUSA’s director of marketing, who also happens to be widely considered the most attractive person on campus.

Bailey Froese: So, Carson Bird, I think we’re all interested in getting to know the Carson behind the Bird, especially since everyone on campus seems to think you’re the Sexiest Man Alive. When did you first realize that people were having these thoughts and feelings about you? What were your emotions at the start?

Carson Bird: I think it started with Confessions. . . . I think the first one that was posted . . . I didn’t actually know who it was, so then I was just like, “Aw, whatever, it was probably Josh [Driediger] or someone,” and then the second one that was posted was [from] Joshua Driediger. At that point I was like, “Ha ha, funny joke,” but then there were like five more the next day and then even more after that for months and months, and then I was just like, “Time to unfollow Confessions” because I didn’t want to see this anymore.

BF: I have a personal theory that there’s been this reaction about you because you physically resemble an amalgamation of every skinny white cartoon boy from the 2010s that has been crushed on by everyone. Some examples include Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007), Bernard from Megamind (2010), the Once-ler from The Lorax (2013), and Hiccup from How To Train Your Dragon 2 (2014). How do you respond to that?

CB: I wasn’t expecting Alvin . . . or Simon, sorry, that’s even worse. Anyway . . . I can see it, that’s fair. No, the Hiccup one . . . I feel like How To Train Your Dragon 2 really did me a service there. Without that Hiccup, man, I don’t know who I would be. I don’t think I would be anyone. I took his vibe, man. He walked, so I could run.

BF: Would you say that this newfound popularity has caused you to feel somewhat objectified by the public or perhaps even privileged by your inherent attractiveness?

CB: Objectified, yes. I fully understand now what it’s like to be completely objectified and not seen as a person. I’m just kidding. No, it hasn’t really translated outside of Confessions. I’ve just become the Confessions guy. Carson the Confessions guy. I guess it’s better than calling me Carson.

BF: It’s better than being known as the son of a car, right?

CB: That’s true.

BF: Other than yourself, who do you think is the most attractive person either on campus or in the world?

CB: On campus, I would say Andrew Nelson. [He’s] the most attractive person I have ever seen and had the privilege of being [censored] with. Of all time? That’s tough. I think that I have to go with, uh . . . Andrew Nelson. I really look up to him; his wide optimism, his smile . . . even if there’s nothing to smile about, he’s smiling. I admire that a lot. He’s my hero. I would die for him.

BF: Do you have any beauty tips for the folks at home who might wish to emulate your physical gravitas?

CB: I have one, alright? If you have square glasses: stop it. Buy round glasses and all of a sudden, you’ll get attention!

BF: That’s why I wear round glasses.

CB: Exactly! I bought these for like eighty dollars off of a website.

BF: A website? Which website?

CB: It’s on the dark web, I can’t say.

BF: Alright, last question. What’s your favourite bird?

CB: My favourite bird would probably be . . . one of those little budgies that can talk. Those guys are really funny, and they’ll do really funny things, like fly around you and land on your shoulder and look at you like you’re crazy, like they have some other plan for you.

BF: Like God?

CB: Yeah!

BF: Alright, I think that’s a good note to end on. Thank you so much for your time, Carson.

CB: Any time, any time you want to have me back, if there’s another confession, just let me know.

BF: It’s the last issue of the year, so I’m afraid I can’t talk to you anymore.

CB: Oh. Well, it’s been a pleasure then.

Everyone knows that water is the best beverage. I eschew coffee, tea, and all other forms of the unnatural monstrosities that we call drinks in today’s society. Instead, I carry multiple two-litre jugs of water with me at all times. The worst thing that could ever happen to me would be to run out of water. My professors and my peers fear me, for they know that I am hydrated. I walk the halls, the sound of my water jugs sloshing and, oh, how they run from me. They take their Monster energy drinks and their Diet Cokes and their Root Beers and they run. Dear God, how they run. I take a sip of water as I effortlessly keep up with them. Their lung capacity cannot match mine. I do not need to exercise. Water sustains me. When I win sports games (as I often do), they do not dump Gatorade on me; they dump water from the glacial lakes of Switzerland.

Water is the solution to all our problems. If only we could all drink as much water as me, we might be saved from the terrors of tonic water and La Croix (the most heinous of all drinks). Even sparkling water disgusts me. Why, or better yet how, would you improve on the world’s most perfect drink? Carbonation? Seriously? I scoff at the thought. I guffaw at the notion.

Yet it often feels like an empty life drinking this much water. Few can match me in their water-drinking prowess. In this, I must say that the life of a visionary genius is a lonely one. They stare at the water jugs, but they never stare at me. I do not talk to people; I simply consume water. Water is my life now. My skin is hydrated and my conscience clear, but I long for human connection.

My tears are as pure as a mountain stream, but they cannot wash away my sadness.

I drink more water.

My skin begins to glow radiantly.

I am ascending.

I drink more water.