A Comprehensive, Expert Review of the 2023 Super Bowl Bailey Froese

Ah yes, football. A subject I know a lot about. Ask me anything about feet or balls, and I will provide you with encyclopedic understanding. On February 12, I had the opportunity to build up my vast knowledge of football at a Super Bowl viewing party, and I watched the whole game from the preshow to post-win interviews. My brain throbbed with enlightenment, and I felt compelled to summarize the game for my fellow experts in this section that I am not used to writing for.

Right out of the gate, I noticed a distinct lack of bowls in this Super Bowl. I did not even have a bowl for my Doritos; I had to chow from a paper plate like a neanderthal. This disappointed me, but perhaps the game would still be super. I observed the tears rolling down one player’s face as the national anthem blared, basking in the beer-bellied glory of the audience weeping for ‘Murica. The commercials played: Walter White and Jesse Pinkman advertised seven flavours of Popcorners, some poor soul in a casino lost his entire life savings on a coin toss, and then the real fun began. It was football time.

It was the red guys versus the blue guys, so obviously it would be a tough game. One guy footed the ball, and it flew right to the end of the field. A truly exciting development, I thought, my footbrain seething with expertise. It is all over for the blue guys, or the red guys, or whoever has the ball right now

The game continued to thrill. The players ran at each other, occasionally pausing for aggressive hugs. Sometimes they got tired of hugging and formed little circles to whisper secrets. The ball went up. The ball went down. Guy kicked ball. People yelled. Guy hugged ball. People yelled. Guy grabbed ball because he wanted to hug it. People yelled more. A game for the ages, truly.

When the concert finally started, I found myself underwhelmed. It is cool that she performed while preggers and running a billion-dollar business, and her outfit looked great, but I expected more. The climax with her singing “Diamonds” atop her Super Smash Bros stage felt rushed; I guess Fenty duties called. Oh well, time for Football II: Electric Boogaloo. Some guy injured his ankle a bunch and kept getting drugged to play more. I questioned the legality and sanity of this action and hoped the poor red guy would not need a walker by the time he was forty. The heat was on in this half of the game. Balls were footed. Red and blue guys were hugged. Cheers were cheered. Just when I thought the excitement would never end, the red guys boinked the ball for a final time, securing their victory. An unprecedented spectacle. Legendary in every sense of the word. To quote the great Owen Wilson, “Wow.”

All in all, I give this game ten footballs up. Yay for football. The red guys sure deserved that Stanley Cup this year. A truly Super Bowl.

All the while, I wondered why Rihanna decided to have such a long opening act before her first concert in seven years.