TWU Needs a New Mascot Bailey

Froese

This year, we saw Trinity Western University’s familiar torch logo exchanged for three wavy lines reminiscent of a minimalist’s campfire. The past couple years have seen several similar changes, from the renaming of Northwest to DeVries (or, as I like to call it, the Pilgrimage) to the upcoming transition of Jacobson from apartments to dorms. Yes sir, TWU seems focused on rebranding lately. The question is, what else does TWU need to change? The disrepair of its current housing? The quality of its meals? The dysfunctional relationship between administration and students?

No, this school just really needs a new mascot for its sports teams.

Why are the athletes called Spartans, anyway? Spartans believed in the many gods of Ancient Greece; how does this make sense for a Christian university? Furthermore, the mascot suit looks awful. It’s like Boba Fett and a wasp had an ugly baby with saggy arms. And the name? Ancient Spartans had cool names like Leonidas and Anaxandridas and they went with Sparty?? Worst of all, I did a bit of research and it turns out that at least 12 other universities have sports teams called the Spartans, and Michigan State University also has a mascot named Sparty! Clearly, a more Christian, aesthetically pleasing, imposing, and original replacement must be found. Here are some options:

1. The Hydra. Our university is named after the concept of three persons in one being, and what creature better encompasses that than the mythological hydra? It also stays in line with the original Ancient Greek theming, and a three-headed monster will certainly intimidate our athletic opponents. Perhaps a three-person mascot suit could be designed to give all the heads different personalities. The tricky part would be manufacturing a head that can grow three more in its place if one is accidentally knocked off.

2. Canada Goose. This seems like the most obvious choice; after all, the geese on campus practically outnumber the students. A special feature of this suit would be marshmallows that drop from the rear end for the children.

3. Raw Chicken. Everyone who has dined in Sodexo’s cafeteria has seen it at least once on their plates, so a pink rotisserie chicken would be a joyously familiar sight to TWU’s student body. The suit could also be smothered in sauce to mask its potential for future food poisoning.

4. Just The Bell Tower. No real mascot suit here, we just shove the bell tower over someone’s head and make them run around the gym or field while “Amazing Grace” chimes at an obscene volume. It kills two birds with one stone as the other team becomes too deaf to continue while being reminded that Christ saved a wretch like them.

5. Jesus Christ. Speaking of Jesus, what could be more Christlike than the man Himself? Designing the suit would obviously present many potential pitfalls into heresy, but I’m sure if we pray enough we can make it work. All we have to do is find the most Christlike person on campus via an America’s Next Top Model-style audition process and make sure they do nothing sinful while in the suit. It would probably be best if they just stood still and passed out Bibles to everyone before the game. Plus, imagine the pressure on the other team with a physical representation of Christ watching the game. That will teach those heathens that there is nothing stronger than the love of Jesus and our athletes’ feet in their faces. Gooooo Christians!