HUMOUR

SiX wAyS tO Be tHE PeRfEcT aLLy

NYSSA MORGAN

1. Sharing Instagram posts that definitely donate $1 to very legitimate

and very real organizations: The ideal way to support any movement is by doing the bare-minimum. The less effort, the better! So, go on, keep sharing those super helpful posts that are absolutely changing the world, all while barely lifting a finger!

2. Watching Queer Eye: Nothing says supporting gay rights like quoting Johnathan Van Ness and serving looks with a cute french tuck. Yas queen! Slay! You did it! You’re an ally!

3. Using a tote bag: If you know, you know.

4. Adding #BLM to your dating pro-

file: The perfect way to let your Tinder date know you’re super woke is throwing in a socially conscious hashtag. It’ll definitely fit in next to the “here for a good time, not a long time” bio, and the pictures of you and that fish you caught that one time.

5. Watching one foreign-language

movie with subtitles: Not only does this make you super cultured, but it absolutely prepares you to speak on any issue regarding any country ever. Oh, but don’t mention the fact you were on your phone half the time—not everyone understands that reading words is hard sometimes.

6. Naming your new plant a “female”

name to promote feminism: You’re a great ally so you know naming your car or your left bicep after the hot babysitter you had growing up would be insulting to women. Now, you only save those feminine titles for living objects like a houseplant. For example, Eleanor’s a great option.

RIPSTIK VS. RAZOR

BRAEDON GROVER SUNNES

Over the last year, students have been choosing their ride of choice: RipStiks, longboards, skateboards, you name it. A once peaceful land, populated with young men on their handlebar-less vehicles has been ravaged by the remote male dorms of North West with their loud, objectionable, handle-barred wheels of destruction. I am talking about RazorScooters.

Javen Kay, resident metalworker and Northwest RA (Resident Assistant), is the source of these ankle-breakers, and a prime suspect for starting the conflict. In an exclusive interview, Kay said, “Yeah, I just got the scooters for free so I figured it would be awesome for my whole dorm to have them!” You hear that? “Free.” How detestable, a proven communist.

Those of us on continental Trinity Western University (TWU) ground respect the grind of delving deep into the Facebook Marketplace and Value Village shelves for our wheels, paying our hard earned CERB money, and shredding that fresh gnar TWU calls pavement. This is a declaration of war, Javen Kay, from the No-Handlebar Representative. I expect your response in the next paper or else you shall expect hellfire upon ye.

RipStik Team Captain: Out.

APPLE CONFIRMS DOZENS OF NEW CASES

MICAH MORGAN

Shocking the public with the sudden uptick, Apple has confirmed a bevy of new cases. Though officials were not pleased with the announcement, it seems that society will nevertheless be overrun with a large swath of new cases. Though no one should have been surprised, people continue to express shock at the rampant increases.

“I really wish people would just stay home, relax, and not be so eager to go out and get all these new cases,” said Jeremiah Marlin, a professional phone repairman. “They make it so hard to open up iPhones.” Marlin went on to describe how after one person came back with a case from the Apple store, other cases would soon start popping up in the person’s friend group. “As soon as one person gets it, everyone else gets ‘case fever’ too,” Marlin said.

Cases also tend to pop up whenever someone takes a trip. “I didn’t even know what these cases were,” said office assistant Rosie Linden, “but after seeing how fashionable they looked on my trip overseas, I made sure that my whole family would have cases after my return.” While some are receptive to the new cases, others don’t appreciate getting them simply because they talked to someone who had been exposed to other cases. “My son recently gave me a case,” said local mother Ann Ritter, “but I only liked it for a short time. I probably had it for a week or two until I was over it. Then I met up with my friend so that she could get it from me. She uses it much more than me now.”

Some sources claimed that supply was currently exceeding demand, but it is impossible to know for sure, as Apple was currently masking sales figures.

WHO IS POTATO?

ALEX WALKER

French Fry. Hash Brown. Pomme de terre. Potato is an intriguing entity, taking many shapes and forms across time and culture. Some like him baked, sliced open, and stuffed with mouth-watering cheese, delightful bacon bits, crisp green onions, and cool sour cream. Others enjoy him stripped, diced, boiled, covered in butter, salt, and pepper, and served hot on a dinner plate with greens and meat. Others still prefer him beaten and mashed to the point where he is soft and fluffy, like a cloud that you can eat. However, most like to see him sliced and lowered into a vat of boiling fat, until he is crunchy and bronzed. But who is Potato? I sat down with the “apple of the earth” himself and asked him the questions on everyone’s minds. These are my revelations.

1. Potato has no concern for us. He lives for himself. Eating him is a blessing we should cherish.

2. He was born in Ireland, but grew up in Prince Edward Island. The Irish love to claim him as their own, but he really prefers orphaned redheads over dwarfish ones.

3. You can eat him raw. “More people should,” he explained to me, “because, while man cannot live on bread alone, he can live on milk and potatoes.”

4. Mr. Potato Head is an apostate. His religion is a lie. He calls himself a potato but participates in tomfoolery such as selling his body to Hasbro and wearing mustaches.

5. Sweet potato is not our enemy, but should be held at an arm’s length. She is a seductress that, like fire, can be useful if employed appropriately but is dangerous if fully embraced.

6. “French” fry is a misnomer. Potato elaborated: “Do I look like a ****ing baguette to you?”