HUMOUR
SiX wAyS tO Be tHE PeRfEcT aLLy NYSSA MORGAN 1. Sharing Instagram posts that definitely donate $1 to very legitimate and very real organizations: The ideal way to support any movement is by doing the bare-minimum. The less effort, the better! So, go on, keep sharing those super helpful posts that are absolutely changing the world, all while barely lifting a finger! 2. Watching Queer Eye: Nothing says supporting gay rights like quoting Johnathan Van Ness and serving looks with a cute french tuck. Yas queen! Slay! You did it! You’re an ally! 3. Using a tote bag: If you know, you know.
4. Adding #BLM to your dating profile: The perfect way to let your Tinder date know you’re super woke is throwing in a socially conscious hashtag. It’ll definitely fit in next to the “here for a good time, not a long time” bio, and the pictures of you and that fish you caught that one time. 5. Watching one foreign-language movie with subtitles: Not only does this make you super cultured, but it absolutely prepares you to speak on any issue regarding any country ever. Oh, but don’t mention the fact you were on your phone half the time—not everyone understands that reading words is hard sometimes.
6. Naming your new plant a “female” name to promote feminism: You’re a great ally so you know naming your car or your left bicep after the hot babysitter you had growing up would be insulting to women. Now, you only save those feminine titles for living objects like a houseplant. For example, Eleanor’s a great option.
RIPSTIK VS. RAZOR BRAEDON GROVER SUNNES Over the last year, students have been choosing their ride of choice: RipStiks, longboards, skateboards, you name it. A once peaceful land, populated with young men on their handlebar-less vehicles has been ravaged by the remote male dorms of North West with their loud, objectionable, handle-barred wheels of destruction. I am talking about RazorScooters. Javen Kay, resident metalworker and Northwest RA (Resident Assistant), is the source of these ankle-breakers,
and a prime suspect for starting the conflict. In an exclusive interview, Kay said, “Yeah, I just got the scooters for free so I figured it would be awesome for my whole dorm to have them!” You hear that? “Free.” How detestable, a proven communist. Those of us on continental Trinity Western University (TWU) ground respect the grind of delving deep into the Facebook Marketplace and Value Village shelves for our wheels, paying our hard earned CERB money,
and shredding that fresh gnar TWU calls pavement. This is a declaration of war, Javen Kay, from the No-Handlebar Representative. I expect your response in the next paper or else you shall expect hellfire upon ye. RipStik Team Captain: Out.
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