Enigma
Volume 25 20/21
OUR TEAM Tyler Jones
Editor-In-Chief
Emma Dykstra
Managing Editor
Makena Wardle
Chief Copy Editor
Grace Giesbrecht
News Editor (Fall)
Eddison Bryan
News Editor (Spring)
Carter Sawatzky
Arts & Culture Editor Opinions Editor
Liv Walton
Sports Editor
Luke Rattray
Humour Editor
Nyssa Morgan Monica Rawlek Elizondo
Staff Writer
Rachel Wegner
Visual Editor
Georgia Henkle
Illustrator
When I accepted the role to be Mars’ Hill Newspaper’s Editor-In-Chief I had many goals I wanted to fulfill. While I can look back upon the year fondly, feeling like our team accomplished a lot throughout the year, I still yearn for more; with the university schedule, difficulties of online courses, and overall lack of human connection, I still see the beauty in passing off the torch to an even more talented individual. The true magnificence of this role is seeing development. Our team moved from a rag-tag group of boxes on a computer screen to a mosaic of hard work, cohesivity, and friendship. I could not be more grateful for the team I have served with. At the end of it all, I hope this year’s edition of Mars’ Hill provoked thought, brought smiles, and gave you a sense of connection in this wild year. Jonesy out.
Layout Editor
Paige MacIntosh Caroline Peterson
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Social Media Manager
Nathan Ahrendt Loranne Brown
MARS’ HILL
Web Editor Media Advisor
LETTER FROM THE NEW EDITOR Dear reader, I am beyond thrilled to be the Mars’ Hill Editor-In-Chief for the 2021/2022 school year. I have been incredibly blessed to be a part of the Mars’ Hill team over the course of this wild year, and have learned so much from each person involved in this newspaper. From starting as an avid reader and regular contributor in my first year, to working as a member of the team for the past two years––this paper has brought so much joy, connection, and opportunity for intellectual and social growth into my life. I look forward to helping create a publication that will strive to do the same for you. I am so excited to see where this next school year takes us as a community, and am hopeful that I will be able see all of your lovely faces around campus in the fall. Cheers,
Makena Wardle
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CONTENTS
NEWS
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ARTS & CULTURE
9
OPINIONS
13
SPORTS
17
HUMOUR
21
DECLASSIFIEDS
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NEWS
A PLACE ON THE MAP: TWU’S NEW ADDRESS AND THE UNIVERSITY DISTRICT GRACE GIESBRECHT To “put something on the map” is to give that something notoriety, fame, or recognition. But what about simply changing the name on that map? On September 11, 2020, Trinity Western University (TWU) announced its new address at 22500 University Drive. University Drive, and by extension the University District in the Township of Langley (TOL), are the first outward signs of TWU’s expansion past its original campus in Langley. The steps taken to create this district, however, were not without controversy. Though TWU runs other campuses in other cities (including Richmond, Bellingham, and Ottawa), the University District is the first physical expansion of the Langley campus since its creation in 1962. A vision for the district has been in place since 1997. According to former TWU President Bob Kuhn—who commented on the district in 2014 — the vision for a worldclass University District that would be comparable to those at UBC or SFU requires more space: “We don’t want to change the community by going up, instead of broadening.” The University District was approved by the TOL in 2013. It includes 375.6 acres of land, stretching from Fort Langley to the Langley Events Centre. Though beneficial for the growth of
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both communities involved, 70 percent of the land in this district is part of the Agricultural Land Reserve (ALR).
for a high-quality education, bolster employment, and strengthen our economy,” said Froese.
The ALR is “a provincial zone in which agriculture is recognized as the priority use. Farming is encouraged and non-agricultural uses are restricted,” according to the Agricultural Land Commission (ALC). These reserves are found throughout B.C., as far north as Fort St. John and throughout the lower mainland. Without the protection of the ALR, farmland is lost to urban development and production of local produce declines.
TWU and the TOL benefit mutually through their partnership. The Langley Events Centre was built through it, and TWU is the TOL’s third-largest employer.
Environmental groups voiced concern over this intrusion into the ALR, warning of more such developments to follow in its wake. “It would be a negative precedent to start having these kinds of small zonings allowed throughout the ALR,” said Doug Mcfee of the Salmon River Enhancement Society. “The University District will allow for the expansion of TWU and create a hub of higher learning that will solidify the Township’s reputation as a centre for education and training,” said TOL Mayor Jack Froese. “Allowing Trinity Western to develop to its full potential and creating an integrated university community in the surrounding area will help Langley students receive an excellent foundation close to home, attract international students looking
Despite public concern over land in the ALR in the proposal, the project was approved by the TOL. It then caught the attention of the regional district of Metro Vancouver, which argued that such “dense, residential development” was not suitable for the site. Metro Vancouver sued the TOL, and the matter was taken up before the supreme court of B.C. under a question of jurisdiction. The TOL won the right to make such a decision within their borders, and proceeded with the University District. TWU’s new address is not solely a new name for the university’s place on the map. It is the first tangible step in a years-long process to create a University District in protected agricultural land. Ironically, the land required to preserve the rural feel of the campus and avoid building upwards must use actual rural land. Though a positive move for the growth and development of TWU and the TOL, it sets an unusual precedent for land use in the ALR.
OH CANADA, WILL YOU BE PARTICIPATING IN THE 2022 OLYMPICS? CHRISTA LYFORD With 205 countries represented, 3.6 billion viewers, and costs of up to $13.2 billion dollars––the Olympic Games are built on big numbers. With as much exposure as they get, the Olympics have also been a hotspot of political discussion and oftentimes, tension. Such is the case with this upcoming 2022 Winter Olympic Games. Currently, China holds the bid for the 2022 Games, but is embroiled in rising controversy over the treatment of its Uygher citizens. For the past three years, the Chinese government has been attempting to “re-educate” this ethnic minority group occupying Xinjiang––a northwest region of the country. As many as 500 000 to a million people have been detained in re-education camps. As a Muslim majority, their religious practices have been banned, and Chinese documents have revealed plans to force longterm birth control on 80 percent of Uyghur women in the region. On February 16, Erin O’Toole, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, called on the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to enact an official relocation of the historic event due to these human rights abuses. “While there is a genocide taking place, we should not be turning a blind eye toward that,” O’Toole said. “If there is no change in conduct by
the state of China, we should examine whether our athletes should compete.” He says he is calling on the prime minister to approach the IOC about considering alternate options for hosting the 2022 Games. But while O’Toole has no problem leveling these accusations at China, Trudeau has still been hesitant to speak with the same sharpness. In a response to O’Toole’s address, the prime minister declined to label China’s treatment of Uyghur people as a “genocide”––cautioning that a loose application of the term devalues the gravity of its meaning. He said that, in regard to the Olympics, Canada continues to be “very vocal” in standing up for human rights around the world. This use of softer language could be indicative of the Canadian Government’s hesitation surrounding the situation with the two Michaels. The businessman, Michael Kovrig, and Michael Spavor, a former diplomat, are two Canadian citizens who have been detained in China without charges since December, 2018. Trudeau denied that the lack of that particular label was due to China’s detainment of these two men.
being used as “diplomatic hostages,” Australian journalist Cheng Lei was arrested by Chinese authorities this February––also with no charges. Fifty-nine countries have joined Canada’s Declaration Against Arbitrary Detention in State-to-State Relations in response to these events. On February 23, based on the 1948 UN Genocide Convention definition, Parliament passed the motion to officially regard the Uyghur situation as genocide. Trudeau was not present for the vote, and government officials have not adopted the term despite the House’s affirmation. With all of this bad blood towards China––its actions, policies, and responses––the future of the 2022 Olympic Games seems uncertain. Only time will tell if O’Toole and other public figures will be successful in convincing the IOC to relocate the Games––quite possibly at the cost of withdrawing Canadian athletes from the competitions entirely.
China’s treatment of the Uyghurs is not the only criticism being held against them. Not only are the two Michaels
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THE HILL AMANDA GORMAN CLIMBED EDDISON BRYAN Amanda Gorman, a 22 year old Black woman from Los Angeles, has taken the world by storm with her outstanding gift of the gab. On January 20, 2021, she was handpicked by First Lady Dr. Jill Biden to be the inaugural poet at the inauguration ceremony of U.S. President Joseph Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. Gorman recited her own poem, “The Hill We Climb,” to the high-profile audience as the youngest to ever do so. This occasion drew tremendous attention even before her speech, as Oprah Winfrey gifted her golden hooped earrings and a birdcage ring. According to Oprah Magazine, it was a tribute to the infamous inaugural poet, Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.” The concept of inaugurations having poets is still relatively novel since, prior to Biden, only three other
Presidents had them: John F. Kennedy in 1961, Bill Clinton in 1993 and 1997, and Barack Obama in 2009 and 2013. Oprah also sent gifts to her close friend Angelou for her recitation at President Clinton’s first inauguration. Amanda Gorman is no stranger to the spotlight as she founded “One Pen One Page,” a nonprofit organisation, in 2016 aimed at boosting creative writing among youth in underserved communities. In 2017, she rose to national recognition when she was awarded the title of Inaugural National Youth Poet Laureate of the United States––a distinction which honours the contributions made by outstanding poets. That same year, at the United Nations Social Good Summit, Gorman delivered her poem entitled “The Gathering Place” as a UN Youth
Delegate. Amanda also graduated from Harvard University in 2020 with a degree in Sociology, which aids her advocacy and social justice pursuits. The 2021 Inauguration was not only historic due to Gorman’s accomplishments; this event was significant because both she and President Biden formerly faced speech impediments. In her CNN interview with Anderson Cooper, she describes how she struggled articulating sounds and consonants, particularly those with the letter “r.” This has further inspired those with an impediment to dream big and accomplish greatness––either as a poet laureate or even President. Amanda Gorman’s poem is filled with beautifully blended poetic techniques that proclaim Black excellence and optimism for a divided America.
WHAT THE HONK IS FIRST PAST THE POST? EMMA DYKSTRA If you were talking with someone about the electoral college two weeks ago and they said “Yeah, but doesn’t Canada kind of do the same thing?” it is now your job to send this column to them, because they are wrong. Canada’s voting system is very different from the electoral college. Canada uses a system known as First Past the Post (FPTP), also known as a single member plurality system. The FPTP name refers to a horse race, where the horse that passes the post first is the winner. It doesn’t matter how closely behind the other horse was, you just have to pass that sacred post before anyone else.
The United States tallies votes by state, whereas in Canada, we tally votes by riding. Each state is worth a certain number of electoral votes that a candidate needs to win the presidency, which was linked to the population of the state at the time, but is no longer representative in this way. In Canada, each riding represents roughly the same number of people, and is worth one seat in the House of Commons. There are 338 ridings across Canada. When you vote in your riding, you are voting for a Member of Parliament (MP) who will represent your riding and the party they belong to. When Canadians vote, they are voting for
an MP on the ballot instead of a Prime Minister. A leader of a party becomes a Prime Minister after their party wins the most seats. The one similarity between the Canadian and American voting systems is that just like there are safe states for candidates, there are also safe ridings. A vote for the Green Party in an Alberta riding is about as useful as a vote for the Republicans in California. But ridings are much smaller than states. Canada’s system is not foolproof, but it arguably does a better job trying to represent all citizens than the Electoral College does.
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STONKS: THE TALE OF GAMESTOP, A SUBREDDIT, AND THE DOGS OF WALL STREET TYLER JONES Remember GameStop? Yes, the outdated video-game retailer that was decimated by the age of digital game downloads due to its reliance on selling hard copies of games. As it turns out, GameStop has recently received a significant increase in its stock price in a movement led by a large reddit page titled Wall Street Bets (WSB). Outdated business models are often in play for a “short” scenario. Essentially, a short is betting against the company. Rather than supporting a company by purchasing a share of its stock, shorting is a matter of profiting off of the cost of a share going down. Although there are many methods to do this, the most common way to short a stock is to borrow shares from a broker, then sell those shares immediately. Short sellers find themselves in a position of being in a debt to the broker, which is offset by the money they just received for the stock. Once the price of the shorted stock goes to the level desired by the short sellers, they then buy back the stock and give it back to the broker. Piece of cake. GameStop was the poster-child for shorted stock. By typically preying on outdated business models, those who short stocks are able to make significant money as they lobby against a company. Since 2011–– when downloading video games directly onto a user’s console started becoming the norm––GameStop’s stock price went from $20 per share, gradually
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falling to $4 per share by 2020. This led to easy money for anyone who was shorting this stock. Yet WSB had something else in mind. Often targeting stocks that are being heavily shorted, WSB swooped in with its army of nearly six million self-titled “degenerates” to artificially raise these stocks back to life. However, the GameStop instance seems to stand alone as a masterpiece by the degenerates. Slowly gaining traction throughout the fall and eventually booming in the month of January, a single share of GameStop’s stock rose from $4 to nearly $500, showing signs that it could continue climbing.
As a result of this massive base of investors in GameStop, those who shorted the company have lost a significant amount of money due to the drastic
fashion in which these events transpired. For those who have shorted the GameStop stock, there is a lot of frustration towards the artificial money that the company has at its disposal. Now valued at approximately $20 billion, GameStop has few options to succeed with its newfound money due to the brick and mortar nature of the company itself. Yet, this heist pulled off by the ordinary North Americans of WSB has caused a feud of drastic proportions, possibly pointing to bigger issues within the supposedly free market of Canada and the United States. Popular stock trading services for the common North American investor such as Robinhood and TD stand at the forefront by grounding the GameStop stock. Robinhood, the recipient of more hate than any other platform, decided to halt all incoming purchases of GameStop shares, only allowing sale of the stock that was rapidly sold after. Multiple lawsuits are expected to come down on trading platforms that have halted GameStop’s meteoric rise. As miraculous as this strategy is, WSB has truly taken the nature of ordinary investments to the next level. Manipulating a market has never looked so easy. For once, it seems as if the little guys may have won this one.
ARTS & CULTURE REFLECTIONS ON STAR WARS, DONALD TRUMP, AND POLITICAL RESTORATION DR. TYLER CHAMBERLAIN The original Star Wars trilogy has a memorable ending. Darth Vader turns on The Emperor, throws him into a pit, and in doing so saves his son––our hero––Luke Skywalker. As news of The Emperor’s demise spreads across the galaxy, we witness scenes of celebration throughout the galaxy, not unlike the pro-Biden celebrations that filled American streets on November 7. The bad guy is gone, and democracy has been restored…right?
Not so fast. As we learn at the beginning of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the fallen empire was replaced by The First Order, an ideologically similar movement aiming to rule the galaxy in dictatorial fashion. The similarities are quite striking. The First Order is led by a mysterious sith lord who initially appears only by hologram; this sith lord has an apprentice who wears dark robes and a mask, and the First Order constructs a planet-killing weapon with which they hope to strike fear into the hearts of the remnants of the free republic. Upon watching The Force Awakens, one could be forgiven for concluding that the struggle against the emperor was all for naught, insofar as his defeat did nothing to restore lasting political freedom. From the point of view of American democrats, the United States currently sits at the end of the original trilogy.
Donald Trump’s electoral defeat is imminent, barring a last-ditch legal effort to get some of the mail-in ballots thrown out. It seems that the voters have electorally thrown him into the Death Star’s reactor and are celebrating in the streets. Are these celebrations premature? The danger that Star Wars alerts us to is that of mistaking the defeat of the tyrant with the defeat of the social and institutional origins of tyranny. According to the Star Wars saga, the democratic galactic republic did not fall simply because a cunning tyrant came along. There were institutional problems leading to political paralysis in the galactic senate, and trust in the wisdom of The Jedi Council had been eroding for some time. Moreover, the evil empire went to great lengths to further erode the remaining democratic institutions. By the time the rebel alliance was able to bring the empire down, very little remained of the earlier democratic political institutions. Is it any wonder that the death of Emperor Palpatine did not automatically bring about a reversion to democracy? Democrats should take this as a sober warning. Long before Donald Trump became president, America was experiencing congressional gridlock and declining trust in experts. The Georgia run-off elections, which have given the Democrats a slim majority in the Senate, may help alleviate the first of these. However, political scientist Francis Fukuyama has described the American political system as a “vetocracy,” according to which multiple parts of government can easily block one another. Political gridlock and obstructionism are long-term structural problems that cannot be solved by the results of a single election.
Moreover, because Donald Trump’s governance strategy included putting loyalists in charge of important agencies, many have worried that America’s political institutions have been severely weakened. There is an element of hyperbole in such comparisons; if Trump-Hitler comparisons are over the top, Trump-Palpatine comparisons are obviously more so. Nevertheless, there are important parallels at the politico-institutional level. Removing Trump is no guarantee that Trumpism will wither away, and unless Democrats address the larger institutional problems––many of which pre-date Trump––their celebrations may turn out to have been premature.
Author’s Note: I wrote this article on Nov. 8, 2020. Since then we have seen legal and illegal attempts to overturn the result of the election, including the January 6 riots and storming of the U.S. Capitol Building. I do not think that what has transpired in the last two months changes the argument of this article in any meaningful way. Anti-democratic forces will need to be addressed by the Biden administration.
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THE ART OF THE SPIRITUAL BYPASS CARTER SAWATZKY On June 14, two days after Rayshard Brooks was shot in a Wendy’s drive-thru, Atlanta megachurch pastor Louie Giglio, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, and rapper Lecrae sat down for an “honest conversation about race and the Church.” Giglio proposed the phrase “white blessing” as a possible replacement for the (apparently polarizing) concept of “white privilege.” Giglio said to his audience: “we understand the curse that was slavery, white people do. And we say that was bad, but we miss the blessing of slavery, that it actually built up the framework for the world that white people live in and lived in.”
In doing this, Giglio inserted familiar spiritual concepts into the conversation in an attempt to ease the white conscience bruised by charges of complicity to systemic racism. Rather than deal with the complex antiracist work that is recognizing and unpacking the joint nature of privilege and oppression, Giglio preached a message which implied that slavery was somehow divinely ordained. Or worse, that white people were meant to reap and enjoy the benefits of BIPOC exploitation.
#WhiteBlessing trended on twitter. It was a public reckoning for evangelicals; a sign that evangelicism at large was searching for prettier and more palatable words for ugly realities. After swift online backlash, Giglio released a video apology on Twitter saying, “to be clear, I don’t believe there’s any blessing in slavery, to the contrary.” Instead of a prevailing song of the summer, we had successive crises of
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the summer. Instead of Old Town Road replaying in our heads, we had Bonnie Henry’s “Few Faces, Open Spaces” one-liners, All Lives Matter rebuttals, and protest slogans as our summer earworms. As many of us remained socially-isolated with crisis after crisis presented on our media feeds, our spiritual impulses were heightened and sensitized. An onslaught of social emergencies––collective uncertainty, acute manifestations of white supremacy, limited access to sacred spaces–– called for urgent spiritual relief. Religious leaders needed answers and they needed them quickly––hence the art of the spiritual bypass. The concept of spiritual bypassing was first introduced in the early 1980s by psychotherapist John Welwood while responding to a common phenomenon he saw in his Buddhist community. He astutely observed how they tended to “use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.” To be clear, spiritual perspectives need not completely be discarded in conversations of social justice; they can be insightful and even illuminating. For many, Christian spirituality is vital to processing and interpreting life’s issues. The problems arise, however, when spiritual ideals are elevated to a level that denies lived experiences: it is an ill-equipped prescription of overly-simple spiritual anecdotes for nuanced social issues. Regardless of the initial intention, the use of spiritual ideas in conversations of social justice can come across as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling the full force of an emotion or situation. Conjuring up terms like “white blessing” makes it easier to digest the brutality of North’ America’s colonial history. It is easier to suggest nation-wide repentance than it is to reckon with reparations. It is easier to say to ourselves that we cannot help our racist tendencies because we “have fallen short of the glory of God” than it is to actually participate in antiracist work. It is easier to face Black trauma by sug-
gesting that “we are all sinful” than it is to truly consider how the vast majority of institutions were built with white heterosexual men in mind. It is easier to glaze over suffering by repeating that “God is in control” than it is to fight for overdue justice efforts.
Instead of enhancing the discussion at hand, a spiritual bypass functions as a useful detour away from uncomfortable confrontations. More often than not, spiritual bypassing serves as a long-term strategy for neglecting unaddressed issues. The result is not the spiritual enlightenment of those who happen to be listening. Instead, spiritual bypassing repeatedly demeans, suppresses, and ignores the deep wounds and discomforts that come with injustices. The bypasser effectively avoids the real issue, feigns interest, gestures towards religious ideals, and dodges the demand to make much-needed changes. It all raises many questions: is justice work a distraction from the gospel message? Are Christians addicted to bypassing the pain and anger of oppressed groups? What might it look like to face trauma without the recurring impulse to spiritually bypass the problems?
THE COMMUNITY COVENANT: SEPARATING THE SET APART FROM THE “SET APART” NATHAN FROEHLICH If I were to give a show of fingers for the number of times that people have asked me, upon hearing I went to Trinity Western University (TWU), “oh don’t you have to sign that weird contract?” I would need at least four more sets of hands. And that is just for the straight people that ask. How I feel about the Community Covenant has changed a lot in the years since I first set foot on TWU’s campus.
As a somewhat sheltered 18-year-old entering adulthood, I initially found comfort in it. Finishing a ski season where I lived with coke-snorting Jezebel-spirit housemates who kept coming home drunk at 4 a.m. is what drove me to seek Christian education. The thought of being in an environment where people were held to high moral standards was the perfect juxtaposition to feed my then ravenous Evangelical appetite, which I later realized was really my indoctrinated religious superiority complex. TWU seemed like the perfect bootcamp to prepare me for a life of “living in the world, but not being of it.” But after integrating to campus life, and hearing the umpteenth prayer request to magically have better time-management skills, and seeing through the facade of Christ-likeness in the community, the Covenant just felt like virtue signaling. As a former leader of One TWU, I had issues with the Covenant’s overt anti-queer tenets. Now that I have been out of TWU for a couple years, undergone a faith deconstruction, and enrolled in public education (*gasp*), I cannot help but wonder if the Community Covenant taught us anything valuable, or if it simply upholds a respectable image of TWU by forcing its students to follow a set of rules, by which, let’s be honest, very few abide anyway.
The Community Covenant asks its students to be truthful, which first requires self-honesty. It states that “Biblical [and TWU] ideals” include the traditional definition of marriage, which poses a unique challenge entirely for queer students whose sexual or gender identity is not honoured by TWU’s Covenant, or major iterations of Christianity at large. Second, these ideals are problematic because not all of them necessitate Biblical “truth” in the first place. For example, the word “homosexual” was not even in the Bible until 1946 and its root word referred to a cultural practice of pedophilia, so to say that “the Bible condemns samesex unions” is not truthful. There is a difference between choosing to live an honouring life of integrity in the name of Jesus, and creating a set of rules and expectations by which only specific people can conform. That is not “God’s best”––it is both religious and straight supremacy.
And no, making it optional to sign the Community Covenant does not magically make things better. In doing so, the Covenant now operates as a function of social stratification, creating groups of students that are set apart from the already “set apart.” As if the pre-existing social hierarchies at TWU were not enough, requiring student leaders to sign the Covenant not only places those who sign it on a moral-social pedestal, but it demands that some students, not just queer, must go against their values to get a stipend. Further, it also makes it impossible for queer students with queer-affirm-
ing theology to fully serve their community. If not obvious enough, this is the equivalent to telling a gay person they cannot serve in church or get a job simply because they are gay and in a relationship. TWU loves to market itself as a place where all students belong, but belonging does not mean forcing someone to go against their values to fit in. As Dr. Brené Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly, asking people to “distance themselves from another group of people as a condition of ‘belonging’ is always about control and power.”
As a student, I not only had concerns about signing the Covenant, but I felt its impact reflected in the TWU community and the barrier it created for students to be vulnerable. The subliminal message I received through the community was that my belonging was dependent on my ability to conform to TWU norms, including being straight, which was not doable for me who was then grappling with my sexual identity. Had the Covenant held its students to a standard in which they are encouraged to live their lives in accordance with their theology and conviction, and not TWU’s vision of God, I can only wonder how my experience might have been different. And that maybe––just maybe––it would not have physically hurt to breathe some days.
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THE DESPERATE NEED FOR BLACK THEOLOGY WES ACHEAMPONG The global church is economically, socially, and ethnically diverse. However, the perspectives of upper class white men have been elevated to the forefront of theological education to the point of obscuring the witness of Christians from the variety of backgrounds that make up the global church.
All theology is born out of a group or an individual’s experience and yet we have often paid attention to the questions that arose solely from the experiences of upper class white men. This “white” theology fails to accurately witness to the reality of the liberating Gospel of Christ to the oppressed; in fact, white theology has been a tool of oppression and white supremacy, employed to justify the subjugation of other humans, which is categorically antithetical to the Gospel of Christ. This is why the late Dr. James H. Cone argued, in Black Theology & Black Power 1969, that “[t]here is, then, a desperate need for a Black theology, a theology whose sole purpose is to apply the freeing power of the gospel to Black people under white oppression…a theology of revolution.” For Black folk throughout America––especially during the Civil Rights Movement––church was a significant
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part of Black culture and continues to be. The church cared for the souls of Black people and engaged in the often dangerous work of empowerment and activism. As tensions rose during the height of the Civil Rights Movement, the movement and its leaders would begin to hemorrhage the support of the public. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. lost the support of the then U.S. President Lyndon Johnson and popular evangelist Billy Graham amongst others for his vocal opposition to the war in Vietnam and criticism of American imperialism. Many Black churches who felt that tension began to withdraw from the cultural politics they had historically engaged in. This move left many young Blacks disillusioned, wondering if there was indeed room for their identity and their work within the church. Some of them started to leave churches and join “secular” groups and causes such as student unions, community movements, and Pan-African organizations. Young James Cone, a professor at Adrian College, witnessed this trend as he taught his students about theology. In the midst of riots in Detroit (in response to the assasination of MLK), Professor Cone’s students questioned what Barthian dogmatics really had to say about their lives: did the Bible have anything to offer? Professor Cone sought to answer these questions by reflecting on the tradition of Black theology and Black religion in America and systematized it. And thus, Black Liberation Theologian Dr. James H. Cone was born. Black Liberation Theology speaks to the Black experience in North America. It is consistent with the Biblical theme of the God who stands with and liberates the oppressed, especially the Gospels and the New Testament’s liberation narrative. Cone speaks to this conviction: “to suggest
that [Jesus] was speaking of a “spiritual” liberation fails to take seriously Jesus’s thoroughly Hebrew view of human nature. Jesus entering into the kingdom of God means that Jesus himself becomes the ultimate loyalty of humankind, for He is the kingdom. This view of existence in the world has far-reaching implications for economic, political, and social institutions.”
Black Theology, like all other theologies, is not above criticism. Yet many people’s aim is not to critique but to plunder, and in doing so, they seek to plunder Black emancipation in the church and in turn the emancipation of all people. Black Liberation Theology is beautiful. Like many other so-called “specialized” theologies, it works to bring the Gospel of Christ to confront the experience of different people in each generation.
OPINIONS
THE FEMININE ASPECTS OF THE JUDEO-CHRISTIAN GOD HANNAH AHRENDT Many pre-Christian cultures worshipped a central god and goddess or a pantheon of gods and goddesses; in few cultures across the world do we find an emphasis on solely the masculine aspect of god at the complete exclusion of the feminine. The Holy Spirit is often called “the Mother”––as a contrast to God “the Father”––but it is rare we find an emphasis on either the feminine interpretation of the Holy Spirit or the Holy Spirit themselves in modern day Christianity. Rarely do we open a prayer with “dear Holy Spirit” or “dear Heavenly Mother”––it is far more common to hear someone addressing Jesus or the Father instead. Even in Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy, where prayers to Mary are common, Mary herself is not God, she is merely human. There needs to be an emphasis on God’s feminine aspect, not solely on humanity’s. While this is the current state of Judaism and Christianity, it has not always been this way. The Hebrew word shekinah refers to the divine presence of God and is found in Rabbinic literature. In Kabbalism, Jewish mysticism, shekinah is interpreted as being the divine feminine presence of the Lord and is symbolically referred to as the “Sabbath Bride” or “the daughter of God.” This kind of conscious acknowl-
edgement of the feminine aspects of God needs to be brought into mainstream Christianity. While it is certainly important to recognize the masculine qualities that God embodies, it is also vital that we recognize the importance of the feminine aspects as well. This has real consequences in the world today. According to the Washington Post, the gender gap in religious participation is shrinking due to the sheer number of young women who are choosing to walk away from the Church due to sexist attitudes within it. This is directly tied to how we choose to view divinity as being intimately connected with the masculine, but not with the feminine. As Elaine Graham points out in her book Representations of the Post/Human: Monsters, Aliens and Others in Popular Culture, the monsters of myth embody some aspect of humanity that is deemed distasteful or dangerous to the culture that originated the myth or monster. Often, women and femininity were embodied by the monsters of myth; womanhood and femininity were then social ills to be remedied. This attitude bleeds into our culture today. Many find the idea of connecting the Judeo-Christian God to femininity distasteful or offensive because femi-
ninity is (wrongfully) associated with weakness, sexual appetite, and submission––hardly qualities one would want to ascribe to a wholly good, omnipotent, and omniscient God. In order to heal our detrimental social attitudes towards femininity and encourage women to remain in the Church, it is vital that we begin to view God as not only masculine, but feminine, and to consciously fight against our prejudices that too quickly associate negative qualities and sinfulness with womanhood. If we simply try to tell women to remain in the Church without making changes, our encouragement will be useless and damaging; why would anyone remain in a situation that devalues and dehumanizes them for a quality that is inherent to their person? In Genesis it says “male and female he created them”; perhaps we ought to stop dehumanizing and harming a large portion of the image-bearers of God. Maybe it is a radical notion, but I dream of a world where women (and other nonmale genders) are not treated as second-class citizens in God’s Church.
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ALL AROUND YOU LIV WALTON “Close your eyes and I will describe a color and then you have to guess what it is,” my friend explains, “This color is all around you, but you may not always notice; it is in living things” I was stumped, “Hmmm — I honestly have no idea what color you are describing.” “I’m talking about the color green!”, she said. Finally, I got it, “Oh! That makes so much sense.”
my head. The way she talked about the color green stuck with me. As I mulled over the details of our conversation, I came to understand why it settled so deeply with me: God is like the color green. He is always there, in living things and yet we do not always acknowledge him. This, I feel, is especially easy to do in predominantly Christian environments—such as Trinity Western University (TWU)—where faith and belief are assumed.
This is a conversation that I had with one of my good friends last October. It was a rainy day and the color green was all around us. It was so obviously there and yet overlooked at the same time. After this conversation, I could not get my friend’s description out of
With conviction on my side, I made it my goal to start taking notice of God in my various environments. As I began to search for God, I found him in so many places and things. I saw His promised new beginnings in the sunrise and sunsets. I felt His pow-
er in the ocean at White Rock. I saw His creativity in the North Vancouver forests. However, the most impactful place I found God was in the people around me, but it was not about who is saved or not. I saw God in people who demonstrated His characteristics; those who give, care, love regardless and the list continues. This is my story of a personal evolution. By way of one simple conversation, I changed my outlook on life for the betterment of my mind and heart. By observing the God-qualities in others, I began to reflect on them in myself. When I see God in somebody, no matter who they are, I know that is the kind of behavior I want to emulate because I want others to see God in me.
SCIENCE IS NOT YOUR OPINION JANAE GARTLY Growing up, I remember being told that the earth was made by God in seven days, that the first creatures of the land were the animals and plants that we recognize today, and that humans were there at the birth of our planet. We know this story — everyone does. I also remember being confused right away, wondering how dinosaurs could fit into this story, when I knew that humans had never coexisted with prehistoric creatures. These pieces would not fit together, no matter how hard I tried to force them. My parents told me that the Bible was being poetic when it told of a seven day creation, but as I grew up, I would continue to encounter people who insisted on literal creationism. As I walked through the threshold of scholarly sanctuary, I had hopes that science would prevail in this here hallowed institution of academia: Trinity
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Western University (TWU). Most of the time my assumption was correct, until my last semester, where I least expected it. In my 100 level biology course, taken for core credits as a senior pining for graduation, I have sat in lecture after lecture listening to our professor give space to creationism in scientific discourse. We sat for a lecture listening to Ken Ham debate pseudoscience and creationism with Bill Nye, completely ignoring nearly every scientific method and metric in favour of the “miraculous.” I sat laughing at the absurdity of the arguments in the face of scientific evidence, and assumed the purpose of this rabbit trail was to drive home how important it is to observe the evidence provided from the scientific method. At the end of the lecture, I was in disbelief that the professor neither affirmed nor rejected either
party. It was ambiguous as to whether this biologist believed in biological evidence. I am not here to throw shade or mock—I am here to ask questions. How is this acceptable in a post secondary institution? When people belittle my degree by saying that I learned a censored and christianized set of curated information, I tend to agree. At any other institution, teaching false and disproven science is unacceptable, but in the name of theology, TWU allows it and even encourages it. Evolution is a hot topic for a lot of people. There are also facts that must be integrated into the worldviews of our educators that are not optional: seven day creationism is not science, it is an opinion.
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MY BODY, A TEMPLE: TATTOOS AND BODY IMAGE EMMETT HANLY The process of being tattooed can be an extremely painful experience. Depending on one’s tolerance for pain or the placement on the body, it can range from mildly irritating to excruciating. Furthermore, people with tattoos have historically been stigmatized due to associations with deviant, rebellious behavior and gang affiliations. Some countries in the world still consider having tattoos to be a criminal offence. Yet it has become commonplace to see people with visible tattoos and other forms of body modifications in public and contemporary workspaces. A quick Google search will tell you that about 20% of Canadians and about 30% of Americans have at least one tattoo. So why do people choose to spend hundreds of dollars on an irreversible decision that would permanently alter their appearance? For me, it was because I hated my body. I currently have seven tattoos. To some, that might seem like an absurd number of times to have put myself under the needle, and to others I have only just dipped my toes into a burgeoning ink addiction. Each one of my pieces means something very personal to me, even if on a surface level they might not appear to have any significance. For example, the first tattoo I got was in 2017 when I was twenty years old: a rose on my left shoulder. This tattoo might appear to be one of the most clichéd in existence, but it is the same tattoo my dad got in 1971. It will always remind me of him.
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All of my pieces thus far are easily concealable, and if I were to walk down the street in a t-shirt, no one would know I have them. I have these works of art on my body that no one would see regularly other than myself and the friends I show them to, since I have never been confident enough to rock a beach bod. These tattoos are mine and my artist’s only, and though I like to show them off when I get the chance, I am the only one who gets to see them every day. With tattoos, when I look in the mirror, I can look past all of my perceived imperfections and see art instead. Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with my weight. I never found myself able to measure up to the standards of male attractiveness that our culture dictates, despite its love affair with fast food. It is a blessing that the body positivity movement has been able to allow people to overcome the stigma associated with fat bodies, but I still couldn’t come to terms with my own. Over the past year and a half, I have lost fifty pounds, but I see absolutely no difference in the appearance that I have been taught to be obsessed with. My weight was not the only part of my body I disliked, however. I have always had oily skin, and while in reality I may not have been the most acne prone individual, I found myself obsessing over every blemish. When I got my first tattoo, I could hardly wait to get a second. The first five designs I got were all relatively small, but the sixth and seventh designs
now cover large areas of my ribcage. I hate to have disappointed my mom in doing so, but it has helped to wash away feelings of personal inadequacy I suffered from. They are not so much a replacement for the healthier lifestyle I adopted as they are a part of it, and I owe a lot of the progress I made to the pain I have endured by covering my body with art.
I could not say if I have ever truly considered my body to be the “temple” I was taught to believe it should be. However, I think that if it is, each tattoo is like the stained glass windows that tell the stories of what that temple stands for. I am not the first person to make that analogy, but it is one that speaks to me. Even if my tattoos did not have the deep personal meanings that they do, they would still have helped me along my journey to find a way to love myself. The reasons other people have to get tattoos are their own subjective decisions, and I can only speak to my own experience. But just as our bodies are produced by nature, they are influenced by culture. I, for one, am excited to see our culture shift further away from stigma and closer toward celebration.
SPORTS
STEPHEN CURRY: MVP, CHAMPION, CULTURE CHANGER LUKE RATTRAY We all know who Stephen Curry is. The man is without a doubt one of the greatest players of this generation. He is a two-time MVP, three-time champion, and six-time All-Star, but his biggest accomplishment is arguably that he has changed not only how basketball is played in the NBA, but the entire landscape of basketball culture.
Curry revolutionized the three pointer. What once was seen as an inefficient, only-shoot-it-in-desperate-circumstances-type shot is now the focal point of the offensive side of teams in the NBA. As a result, Curry has been
the frontrunner of this new generation which is able to shoot for both volume and efficiency from behind the arc. Like many others before him, great players have introduced generations of basketball as a whole. One of the most relevant examples by far is when people step into the gym. Before, you would often see a lowered hoop with a bunch of kids trying to dunk on it. Now we see kids shooting absolute moonshots from the three-point line just like their idol, Stephen Curry. Basketball has seen some of the most famous players develop some of the most iconic shots in history: Kareem had the sky hook, Jordan had the fadeaway, and now, Curry has the three-pointer. However, Curry’s influence changed how the entire game is played while only a few players took on the sky hook and the fadeaway. However, while those shots are still around today, Curry managed to pretty much eliminate an entire shot from basketball: the mid-range shot. What was once known as a bread and butter shot in a previous generation of basketball
players and fans alike is now almost out of the game entirely. It is without a doubt that in today’s landscape of the NBA, a player is considered almost useless if they are unable to make a three-pointer, with a few exceptions (I’m looking at you, Ben Simmons). While Curry can be regarded as one of the top 20 players of all time, it is not only because of what he has accomplished on the court, but rather the sheer impact that he has had on the game itself and the generation that has grown up watching him. From high school to the NBA, Curry has almost single-handedly changed how basketball is played across all levels. We have never seen such a direct impact on how the game is played from one single player other than Jordan, and that is why Curry is able to be ranked so highly among the NBA greats. Russell and Wilt, Bird and Magic, Jordan, Kobe, LeBron, and now Curry share one thing in common: changing how the game is played while shifting what basketball culture looks like.
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FIFA: THE CORRUPTIBLE FACE OF THE BEAUTIFUL GAME LUKE RATTRAY The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) is the international governing body of world soccer. It is made up of 211 members from 6 continents. FIFA is the ultimate representative of the beautiful game–– the world’s game. In its most authentic form, soccer unites people from all backgrounds, and provides joy to all those who take part in watching it.
ident of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, revealed the host for these World Cups: Russia, and Qatar, respectively. Although one could argue that these were predictable outcomes, as FIFA began to really expand its money and power across the globe especially under Blatter, making these host countries fit FIFA’s newfound operation almost seamlessly. While the selections themselves were controversial, it is without a doubt that it was the process of selecting host countries for these World Cups that created heavy scandals and corruption. For both of the processes, it involved a wide range of political deals of the highest order: tampering, bribery, and even the use of various intelligence agencies, all occured in order to gain an upper edge in winning a bid to host the World Cup.
FIFA is also the home of the FIFA World Cup, the world’s most viewed sporting event. In the most recent World Cup in 2018 hosted by Russia, over 3.5 billion people tuned in to watch soccer’s most coveted tournament. Despite all of the happiness in which the World Cup and FIFA brings to the world, it is without a doubt that FIFA has been home to some of the largest scale corruption scandals that sports has ever seen. The scandal began December 2, 2010, but it is suspected to have started beforehand. It was on this day that FIFA announced the hosts of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup hosts. Then-Pres-
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Russia’s only legitimate contender for the 2018 bid was England. However, even with England being the other legitimate bidder, they were not favoured by FIFA because of the British press, who had covered stories regarding previous corruption scandals with FIFA. For the 2022 World Cup, the official bidders were the United States, Japan, South Korea, and Australia. In order to host the World Cups, countries had to convince the 24-member FIFA Executive Committee (ExCo) that they were best suited to host the tournament. Countries ended up in a spending frenzy. For instance, Qatar invested heavily in countries that happened to have an ExCo member, Russia was discovered giving artwork
to an ExCo member, and England also gave each of the ExCo members’ wives an expensive Mulberry handbag. It is without a doubt that the ExCo members would not hesitate to manipulate their power in order to receive outlandish gifts and money. Furthermore, a Qatari whistleblower claimed that the country handed over $1.5 million USD in bribes, but later revoked that statement (interestingly enough). As for the Russians, Chelsea FC owner and business magnate Roman Abramovich was seen having private meetings with Blatter on numerous occasions in hopes to secure the bid for Russia to be the host. It seems that both of these tactics had worked, as revealed on December 2, 2010. However, this choice came with consequences, as over half of the 24 ExCo’s have been banned from FIFA upon their admission to selling their vote and accepting bribes from various countries. The World Cup in Qatar has been met with a constant flood of negative press because of the dates of the tournament (held in the winter instead of the summer), the treatment of migrant workers constructing the stadiums, the persecution of the LGBTQ+ community, and their mistreatment and inequality towards women. Qatar has also faced allegations of supporting terrorism and extrimist groups. While these reasons certainly do not help Qatar’s case in hosting soccer’s most coveted tournament, this problem stretches further than the sport itself.
VICTORY AMIDST LOSS: THE STORY OF DEREK AND JIM REDMOND LUKE RATTRAY We are often so captivated by those who emerge victorious that we completely forget those who finished in second or third place. The higher one goes and the more competitive the stage, the more likely the victor will be remembered––and there is no more exemplary a stage than the Olympics. However, one of the most cherished memories, and one of the most personal, did not come from someone having a gold medal draped around their neck, but rather, came from someone who did the very opposite: lose. Derek Redmond was an accomplished British sprinter. Heading into the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics, his most notable accomplishment was achieved in the 1991 Tokyo World Championships. There, he beat out the heavily favoured American team and claimed gold in the 4x400 metre relay. It can also be noted that this was the second fastest finish in history at the time. However, Redmond’s career was also consistently upset by injuries, with him having to withdraw from the 1988 Olympics in Seoul, South Korea because of an Achilles injury. In between 1988 and 1992, Redmond had undergone eight surgeries because of injuries he suffered. Going into the 1992 Olympics, Redmond had been posting consistently fast times while staving off injuries.
Everything was going well until the semi-finals, where Redmond tore his hamstring at the midway point of the race. Needless to say, this is an Olympian’s nightmare. In the blink of an eye, Redmond’s dreams were shattered knowing that the semi-final race may be the final time that he will compete in the Olympics Unfortunately, this turned out to be true.
Everything appeared to be lost for Redmond as he decided to rise up and continue to hobble for the remainder of the race. Redmond made it down the track a few feet until he had some help from one of his biggest fans: his father, Jim Redmond. As the duo made their way down the track, it may have
felt like an eternity for them, but for the people watching, they were witness to one of sports most courageous moments. Derek was in tears throughout the rest of the race, and it appeared that the only thing that kept him standing up was his father’s arm wrapped around his son’s shoulders. Though the pair was met with a standing ovation from the audience, Derek ended up having a time of “Did Not Finish,” which was met with resistance from many since it is without a doubt that he did finish the race. Even though Derek most likely did not live up to his expectations of bringing home a medal, he and his father did capture the hearts of millions of people and the story has arguably only gained popularity since then. It is this kind of moment where we are able to see the true human condition, and what it means to be a family. When one of us falls, it is those that are closest to us that have the ability and the courage to help us up, move us along, and finish the race that we have been running.
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THE NBA: NATIONAL BOT ASSOCIATION TYLER JONES & LUKE RATTRAY The NBA is home to some of sports’ most charismatic personalities, from the likes of Dennis Rodman to Rasheed Wallace to DeMarcus Cousins. However, the league has also been home to some quieter personalities, those who just put their head down, get to work, and aim to be involved in as little drama as possible. If the NBA (that is, the National Bot Association) were to create a team that blended a player’s quiet personality with the sheer durability that they had, this is what the All-Robot team would consist of. Point guard: John Stockton. While regarded as one of the greatest point guards ever, Stockton is one of the more underrated players in history. One thing that goes unnoticed regarding Stockton’s legacy is how durable he was as a guard during one of the most physically demanding times in NBA history. He played in 608 consecutive games between 1990 and 1997, missing only four games in his first 13 years as a professional. Furthermore, he played in every single game for 15 out of his 17 seasons. Shooting guard: Joe Johnson. Recent fans of the NBA probably have no idea who this is, but Joe Johnson certainly earned the prize for the league’s most boring star throughout the mid to late 2000s. Any takers on guessing how many times Johnson was selected as an all-star? Seven times. Yeah,
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you read that correctly. Consistently floating around 20 to 25 points per game throughout the prime of his career, Johnson went on to play 17 seasons in the NBA while having one of the league’s most memorable laughs since 2000, second to none other than the next player on our team. When Johnson walked away from the league at the end of the 2017-2018 season, he was immediately launched into the abyss of forgettable stars who have come and gone in the dynamic scheme of the NBA. Small forward: Kawhi Leonard. Although not the most durable player, especially considering Kawhi holds the crown of load management, he has one of the most private, reserved, and quite frankly, odd personal lives that an athlete has. Kawhi is awkward in public; from his laugh to the commercials he’s been in, it appears that Kawhi has potential to malfunction at times, especially in a public setting. Nonetheless, it’s why we all love Kawhi, and also due to the fact that he is an incredible basketball player. Power forward: Tim Duncan. When you have a nickname like the “The Big Fundamental”, you are bound to not have the most exciting playstyle ever. However, Duncan remains one of the greatest, and most complete players ever. His playstyle was effective, clutch, and flexible. Duncan is also known as keeping an insanely private
quiet life and rarely giving interviews. Duncan provides an incredible balance of being durable throughout his 19-year NBA career and also having a reserved private life. When it comes to superstars retiring, there usually comes a farewell tour for those individuals; we’ve seen it with Kobe Bryant, Paul Pierce, and Dwyane Wade. For Duncan? He just wanted the Spurs to post a tweet stating his retirement. Pretty fitting for one of the quietest superstars in history. Center: Robert Parish. He is one of the most durable players in history, as reflected in the fact that he holds the NBA record for most games played at 1611. He also remained quite a reserved individual during his time in the NBA; his former teammates would often note how quiet he was. While this article can certainly be seen as a bit of a roast session towards some of these players, their greatness cannot be understated. In their own unique way, our five players selected to the NBA’s unofficial All-Robot team have hoisted championships, MVP’s, and all-star appearances. The NBA, like many other leagues, celebrates the dynamism of its athletes as it should. This article serves to remind you that flashiness is not always rewarded. Instead, taking a page out of The Big Fundamental’s book will work just as well.
HUMOUR
SiX wAyS tO Be tHE PeRfEcT aLLy NYSSA MORGAN 1. Sharing Instagram posts that definitely donate $1 to very legitimate and very real organizations: The ideal way to support any movement is by doing the bare-minimum. The less effort, the better! So, go on, keep sharing those super helpful posts that are absolutely changing the world, all while barely lifting a finger! 2. Watching Queer Eye: Nothing says supporting gay rights like quoting Johnathan Van Ness and serving looks with a cute french tuck. Yas queen! Slay! You did it! You’re an ally! 3. Using a tote bag: If you know, you know.
4. Adding #BLM to your dating profile: The perfect way to let your Tinder date know you’re super woke is throwing in a socially conscious hashtag. It’ll definitely fit in next to the “here for a good time, not a long time” bio, and the pictures of you and that fish you caught that one time. 5. Watching one foreign-language movie with subtitles: Not only does this make you super cultured, but it absolutely prepares you to speak on any issue regarding any country ever. Oh, but don’t mention the fact you were on your phone half the time—not everyone understands that reading words is hard sometimes.
6. Naming your new plant a “female” name to promote feminism: You’re a great ally so you know naming your car or your left bicep after the hot babysitter you had growing up would be insulting to women. Now, you only save those feminine titles for living objects like a houseplant. For example, Eleanor’s a great option.
RIPSTIK VS. RAZOR BRAEDON GROVER SUNNES Over the last year, students have been choosing their ride of choice: RipStiks, longboards, skateboards, you name it. A once peaceful land, populated with young men on their handlebar-less vehicles has been ravaged by the remote male dorms of North West with their loud, objectionable, handle-barred wheels of destruction. I am talking about RazorScooters. Javen Kay, resident metalworker and Northwest RA (Resident Assistant), is the source of these ankle-breakers,
and a prime suspect for starting the conflict. In an exclusive interview, Kay said, “Yeah, I just got the scooters for free so I figured it would be awesome for my whole dorm to have them!” You hear that? “Free.” How detestable, a proven communist. Those of us on continental Trinity Western University (TWU) ground respect the grind of delving deep into the Facebook Marketplace and Value Village shelves for our wheels, paying our hard earned CERB money,
and shredding that fresh gnar TWU calls pavement. This is a declaration of war, Javen Kay, from the No-Handlebar Representative. I expect your response in the next paper or else you shall expect hellfire upon ye. RipStik Team Captain: Out.
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APPLE CONFIRMS DOZENS OF NEW CASES MICAH MORGAN Shocking the public with the sudden uptick, Apple has confirmed a bevy of new cases. Though officials were not pleased with the announcement, it seems that society will nevertheless be overrun with a large swath of new cases. Though no one should have been surprised, people continue to express shock at the rampant increases. “I really wish people would just stay home, relax, and not be so eager to go out and get all these new cases,” said Jeremiah Marlin, a professional phone repairman. “They make it so hard to open up iPhones.” Marlin went on to
describe how after one person came back with a case from the Apple store, other cases would soon start popping up in the person’s friend group. “As soon as one person gets it, everyone else gets ‘case fever’ too,” Marlin said. Cases also tend to pop up whenever someone takes a trip. “I didn’t even know what these cases were,” said office assistant Rosie Linden, “but after seeing how fashionable they looked on my trip overseas, I made sure that my whole family would have cases after my return.” While some are receptive to the new cases, others don’t
appreciate getting them simply because they talked to someone who had been exposed to other cases. “My son recently gave me a case,” said local mother Ann Ritter, “but I only liked it for a short time. I probably had it for a week or two until I was over it. Then I met up with my friend so that she could get it from me. She uses it much more than me now.” Some sources claimed that supply was currently exceeding demand, but it is impossible to know for sure, as Apple was currently masking sales figures.
WHO IS POTATO? ALEX WALKER French Fry. Hash Brown. Pomme de terre. Potato is an intriguing entity, taking many shapes and forms across time and culture. Some like him baked, sliced open, and stuffed with mouth-watering cheese, delightful bacon bits, crisp green onions, and cool sour cream. Others enjoy him stripped, diced, boiled, covered in butter, salt, and pepper, and served hot on a dinner plate with greens and meat. Others still prefer him beaten and mashed to the point where he is soft and fluffy, like a cloud that you can eat. However, most like to see him sliced and lowered into a vat of boiling fat, until he is crunchy and bronzed.
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But who is Potato? I sat down with the “apple of the earth” himself and asked him the questions on everyone’s minds. These are my revelations.
alone, he can live on milk and potatoes.”
1. Potato has no concern for us. He lives for himself. Eating him is a blessing we should cherish.
4. Mr. Potato Head is an apostate. His religion is a lie. He calls himself a potato but participates in tomfoolery such as selling his body to Hasbro and wearing mustaches.
2. He was born in Ireland, but grew up in Prince Edward Island. The Irish love to claim him as their own, but he really prefers orphaned redheads over dwarfish ones.
5. Sweet potato is not our enemy, but should be held at an arm’s length. She is a seductress that, like fire, can be useful if employed appropriately but is dangerous if fully embraced.
3. You can eat him raw. “More people should,” he explained to me, “because, while man cannot live on bread
6. “French” fry is a misnomer. Potato elaborated: “Do I look like a ****ing baguette to you?”
BEST OF THE
DECLASSIFIEDS
is having a crush on emmett hanly for at least one month still a requirement to graduate with a theatre degree now that he’s gone? My roommate just confused Tom Brady and Ted Bundy… Please send help. How ironic is it to have a class on Excel that no one excels in. Linguistics is the gateway drug to Philosophy do first years even know about mars hill? The 8am lawnmower outside Douglas is causing spiritual warfare okay but like Mars’ Hill kinda be poppin this year tho You can’t scare me, I took BUSI 176 online during the summer You can only call them baby first years if you’re willing to take care of them In these unprecedented times < in this tempestuous epoch Y’all who wished for more parking... you happy now? God is my plug Trinity culture was boutta kill the introvert in me but covid19 got my back Bob Kuhn wouldn’t let this happen pLeAsE TuRn yOuR cAmErA oN
Anyone else pin the video of the cutest person in your zoom class, or is that just me?
20 grand a year to drive down a gravel road everyday like I’m in a country song
At this point, I’m mostly just surprised Pillar hasn’t hired Toru and made a whole section based solely on his candids. Jus a lil’ thought for ya there @Pillar
Guys Brooklyn 99 is ending after Season 8 :( Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt…
When the prof calls my name but I haven’t been paying attention: “Sorry my internet is very slow today. The audio keeps cutting.” “I hate that one of my hobbies is watching Netflix” “but at least it’s not crack cocaine” When is taylor swift gonna save my life next? one minute they call u marx hill the next minute they wanna be u “it’s a camera off kinda day” Survey answer i forgot: twu can fix mental health by allowing pets and alcohol on campus Don’t tell the profs what happens in breakout rooms. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. RIP ring by spring If you wanna let me know I have a booger USE PRIVATE MESSAGE ON ZOOM INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT IN THE CHAT FOR EVERYONE. I don’t like boys anymore they’ll like run out of toilet paper and not buy any for 3 months.
I stg these effing lawn mowers bro I’m tryna play fortnite still thinking about forsaking all things and becoming a sheepherder in a quiet polish village How can 4th years be into freshmen. They are literally babies I just wanna be as rich as the kids who live ten minutes away but still live on campus. Ladies if he’s completely open and transparent, keeps you in the loop about current events, and pays for your coffee, that’s not your man - that’s TWUSA I just saw two boys on one scooter and I’ve never seen a truer bromance I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kinda miss the Himnal/Shevangelist How much does it cost to have someone else write your thesis?
Boyle is the king of simping If the human mind is smarter than the most powerful computer, than why can’t I understand Excel?? Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever handed in a paper within a minute of the deadline? Ranting in the declassifieds is like screaming into the void When will the SAMC theatre do a musical production of “Jesus Christ Superstar?” Jake and Amy from Brooklyn 99 have set my relationship standards too high “I love angsty dads” - our VP, Abigail Sefzik, 2020
SUBMITTED AT MARSHILLNEWSPAPER.COM/DECLASSIFIEDS Mars’ Hill editors reserve the right to edit or reject submissions based on content and/or length. A printed submission does not necessarily reflect an endorsement of any kind, nor does it necessarily reflect the opinions of Mars’ Hill staff, the student association, or that of the University.
It’s ridiculous I pay $30,000 a year and have to dry my clothes with a fan because the dryers don’t work. Cmon man. A minimum of 8 sources???!!?? Can my death certificate be one of them???????
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