i do magazine by Martin Hiller

D NO um NE T f my W or co sa py le

Healthy Marriages Happy Homes

finance

Plan a future

together

one-on-one

Thandi and Tshepo on what i do means to them Plus

PARENTING

Gary Bailey on parenting styles

SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS

We take a look at in-law intelligence

win a trip to

Thailand! DEFINING MOMENT

Gogo on traditional values

INDULGE

We drive the BMW 6 SeriesISSUE ONE â&#x20AC;˘ i

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editor in chiefâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s note

Healthy Marriages Happy Homes

Photograph by Nick Boulton

Editor-in-chief Felicia Buthelezi felicia.buthelezi@idomagazine.co.za

hello

Welcome to the first edition of i do. As I write this note, I feel delighted and even a little emotional. The institution of marriage today is regarded by many as somewhat outdated. We aim to create a new excitement around the concept, around the marital relationship. As a wife and mother I found myself, once again, being excited about marriage. A part of the development of young women is the fact that we fantasise about our big day. During that wonderful phase of infatuation, we dream that we will forever live in this bubble of

love, happiness, togetherness. Sometimes the reality turns out to be very different; often because when we are in love we neglect to talk about serious and important issues. For the longest time men found themselves being excluded from talks about marriage and other emotional and relationship issues. For the longest time they thought they were only needed to show up at the wedding. The good news is that men want to be involved and they too have a need for personal growth and development. It is only when men are involved that we can completely focus on building healthy families, maintaining blissful marriages. Everyone who is married for a few years knows that the union goes through certain stages. Sometimes we love our spouses to bits, and other times we find it impossible to be very loving towards them. Over the years we basically fall in and out of love with one another. Sounds familiar? You are not alone. The i do team is inspired to go the extra mile, ensuring you get sound advice during those times you need it most. And because the institution of marriage and all its components are our main focus, you are certain to be understood. I have found that people are often not sure where to go with certain difficulties they are facing. Marital difficulties around religious or cultural issues prove ever challenging. Our experts will deal with these challenges on our website. You are welcome to send them your questions and comments. i do is the perfect companion in your marital boat. Enjoy,

Felicia Felicia Buthelezi Editor-in-chief

Managing editor Shelagh Foster Art Director Martin Hiller Contributing photographer Debbie Yazbek contributors Dr David Molapo Dr Seipati Makunyane Sister Matilda Phooko Audrey Ramaboe Andeline Williams-Pretorius Wendy Prevost Shelley Lewin Natalia Thomson ONLINE www.idomagazine.co.za Follow us on facebook and twitter/ i do magazine ADVERTISING SALES sales@idomagazine.co.za SUBSCRIPTIONS subs@idomagazine.co.za Financials Sizwe Buthelezi Palesa Makanda Content Advisors Gwen Watkins i do magazine is published by Fisokuhle Media tel: 011 704 4594 fax: 086 690 4575 Northgate Office Park Office 26, Block 3A Aureole Avenue Northwold Ext 43 2188 CopyrightÂŠ i do is a registered trademark. Should you wish to lift any material from the publication, please liaise with the editor beforehand.

f sokuhle med a where everything changes

i do magazine supports fisokuhle foundation of

hope be the change

stopdivorce stop a FISOKUHLE FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN

CONTRIBUTORS THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED US PUT THIS ISSUE TOGETHER

Augustine Masilela Chuene – Wedding and events designer, director Eagle Events and Fabulous Weddings. See Here comes the groom on page 54

Sr Matilda Phooko – CEO UniC HealthCare and health advisor Don’t miss Disclosure – the greatest challenge on page 25

Audrey Ramaboe – Life coach at B U Life Coaching. Don’t miss The lifelong love affair on page 29 and Traditional wisdom on page 48

Sarah Shongwe – Integrated marketing and music specialist and author of Depression Made Me Fat. Read her story on page 14

Gary Bailey – Celebrated soccer personality and author, Divorce for Dads. Don’t miss Parenting 101 on page 23

Natalia Thomson – Travel writer. Read Tantalising Thailand on page 44 and stand a chance of winning a trip

Andeline WilliamsPretorius – CEO, Andeline’s Motivational Training, founder of In-Law Support. Read It hurts, page 26

Wendy Prevost – Acclaimed Cape Town based interior designer See Heart & Home for tips on transforming your house on page 36

Bryan Hirsch – Director of Bryan Hirsch Colley and Associates, author and radio personality. Read Newly weds should plan well on page 24

contributors in our launch issue Wendy Luhabe: social entrepreneur, business woman and author in the next issue of i do Janice Hanly – Couples and life coach Dr David Molapo – Author and international motivational speaker and founder of the I Can Foundation Wendy Luhabe 4

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Dr David Molapo

Shelley Lewin – Life and relationship coach

contents He had become progressively emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me

She gave us more than we gave her

6 Y our letters There are tons of magazines that tell me how to get the guy, but none who tell me how to keep him! 8 Coffee break Is your laptop too hot? and other conversation starters 10 T he secrets of our success Stay true to your values and belief system and know your role as a husband. 14 D epression stole my marriage I don’t blame myself or my ex-husband for the breakdown of my marriage 16 G ivers and needers Some women are giving because they want something back

ON THE COVER... D No um NE T f my W or co sa py le

HealtHy Marriages Happy HoMes

finance

plaN a fuTure

ToGeTher

Plus

PARENTING

Gary Bailey on parenting styles

24 55

one-on-one

SPIRTUAL INSIGHTS

win a trip to

ThailaND! DEFINING MOMENT

We take a look at in-law intellgence

Gogo on traditional values

indulge

UPFRONT

Thandi and Tshepo on what i do means to them

Personalise your home with elements reflecting your lifestyle

28 55

INDULGE

We drive the www.idomagazine.co.za ISSUE ONE • i BMW 6 Series

20 The lifelong love affair Note for women: men expect women they love to have inner peace 27 Food for thought Words from the wise

The real deal 24 Money Addressing money matters before the wedding can save much heartache after 25 Health and wellness The truth is HIV is here, and we have to boldly deal with it, or die from it 26 Solutions She shouts at me in front of my friends and kids. What should I do? 28 Spiritual insight A “quiet and gentle” spirit I did not have 29 Inspiration Do you know your life’s purpose – and are you living it? 30 Body, mind, soul You don’t need to know how this works, but you will feel yourself “opening up” 31 Intimacy Develop a code word for sex that you can use when you’re in a crowd 48 Defining moment My husband and I lived in seperate villages…

Subscribe now

33 Runway fashion from Edgars Melrose Arch 35 Beauty Nthato’s beauty tips 36 Décor Enter Wendy Prevost’s beautiful home 41 Food Take a baking lesson from Eric Lanlard 44 Drive this Merc and BMW go topless 45 Soul food The lastest movies, music and books… 47 Your stars with Tina Zangara

Bride

Groom

52 Wedding album One reader’s breathtaking marriage ceremony 54 The wedding planner Here comes the groom 55 For the bride How to choose your perfect wedding dress 56 For the groom Tips on comfort and style

win 44 A trip for two to tantalising Thailand is up for grabs

www.idomagazine.co.za ISSUE ONEmiss • 5 a single i do is a quarterly magazine. To make sure you don’t copy, email subs@idomagazine.co.za or turn to page 20

LETTERS LAST WORDS

I got this email today and just had to share it with your readers. This man died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book The Last Lecture before he died. This is the piece I would like to share about community: Call your family often. Each day give something good to others. Forgive everyone for everything. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of six. Try to make at least three people smile each day. What other people think of you is none of your business. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch. I know that this sounds simplistic, but I believe that if we all followed these guidelines then we would have happier families and better lives. Good luck with your new magazine. I wish you all success and can’t wait for more. PS: please give us lots of wedding ideas and tips for having a happy marriage. I am getting married to the love of my life in April of next year. Koketso, Centurion

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE WEDDING

Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of the perfect princess wedding. I’m now twenty-eight and I’m still dreaming. I’m a successful entrepreneur and I have everything I’ve ever wanted except a warm body next to me at night. I’ve had lots of relationships but none of them ever got to the point of “I do”. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! There are tons of magazines

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Write to us at i do,Northgate Office Park, Office 26, Block 3A Aureole, Avenue Northwold Ext 43 2188 E-mail editor@idomagazine.co.za

online Healthy Marriages Happy Homes

i do does it online!

out there that tell me how to get the guy, but none that tell me how to keep him. I need answers and look forward to seeing if you guys will be able to provide them. Please! Get me to the church some time. Lonely Zizipho, Westville

PAIN-IN-LAW

I’ve been married for only three months now and my mother-in-law is quickly becoming a pain. Before the wedding, she was helpful and kind. Now that we’re married, she’s always at the house trying to choose our curtains for us or commenting on how my husband’s shirts are ironed and then she’ll take him out for dinner just as I’ve put ours into the oven. I don’t want to have to feel this way about such an important person in our lives. I wait with eager anticipation for your mag to see if you can help me out here. Anonymous, Sandton – Don’t miss our in-law article on page 28 - Ed

A BEACON OF HOPE!

I was so excited when my friend at book club told me about this magazine. I am the proud mother of a wonderful daughter and it deeply saddens me that her marriage of only three years has encountered so many hardships already. They are both wonderful people and they love each other immensely, but they seem to be fighting all of the time. I so look forward to reading your articles, I hope that they are packed with loads of advice for me and my girl. I just know that their marriage can be saved with the right encouraging words. Please hurry and launch it now! Thabi Mogakane, Rondebosch

WRITE IN AND WIN

The winning letter receives an i do goodie bag worth over R1 500

Yes, www.idomagazine.co.za launches on 15 January 2011, so be there for: • Advice • Forums • Articles • Your stories • Style and décor • Daily horoscopes • Wedding galleries • Shopping and services directories • Spiritual perspectives And a whole lot more… Join us online at www.idomagazine.co.za

Become an i do magazine facebook fan! Go to www.facebook.com and search i do magazine. Then simply click the “like” button on the i do magazine page and you will automatically become a fan.

WHAT YOU’re TALKING ABOUT ON facebook I love this! At last a place for couples to come and talk about real marriage and relationship issues. Sometimes you don’t know where to go or who to ask and I’m so pleased you guys have done this. I might even get my man on here! – Andile I couldn’t believe it when I heard that this magazine is coming out. A valuable resource for young couples who want their marriage to last. I look forward to i do workshops – and the first issue. (Marrying in June. Honeymoon in Paris!!!!) – Zwanga

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â&#x20AC;˘7

Conversation starters from around the world

The percentage of men who have bought their girlfriend or wife the wrong size lingerie (www.onepoll.com)

ways to have fun • Be spontaneous. Don’t always say/do/cook the same thing or go to the same old places. • Get silly. Children have more fun because they don’t care what anyone thinks of them. • Skip the news and watch a comedy; preferably one rated PG13 or under. • Flirt with each other. When last did you put your hand under her skirt in the kitchen; or tell him how hot he looks in that shirt? • If you can’t have a good giggle in bed, you’re taking sex – and yourself – too seriously. It’s not all heavy breathing, you know…

Give me some Respect is the most important element and foundation of a strong, happy and successful marriage. When there is respect, the rest will follow naturally. Respect your spouse, including your spouse’s family and friends. The more respect you give, the more respect you will get in return.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther

Asparagus tips? Did you know that three courses of asparagus were served to 19th century bridegrooms due to its reputed aphrodisiac powers? Pass the lemon butter, dear…

coffee break

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Female orgasm. Who cares? For one out of four women, orgasm during sex is an elusive goal. According to a recent report, medical science isn’t doing enough to ensure that these women find satisfaction between the sheets. The paper, published online ahead of print in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, reviews 101 studies on Female Orgasm Disorder, a condition in which women have difficulty reaching climax or can’t orgasm at all. Despite the fact that an inability to orgasm is the second most common female sexual complaint (after lack of desire) and orgasm is one of the top 50 reasons we have sex, that the authors conclude treatments for the disorder are inadequate. “We’re not doing enough research,” said Waguih William IsHak, a psychiatrist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and the lead author of the paper. “There are a lot of great clinicians who work with patients using therapy, but when it comes to medications, it’s all trial and error.” (msnbc.com)

Estate planning step #1 When it comes to property, it pays to do proper estate planning and draw up the right agreements when you get married. Cape Town lawyer, Ulrik Strandvik of Grant Gunston Attorneys, says when couples get married, there is often a strong feeling that drawing up an ante-nuptial contract reflects a lack of trust and commitment. Strandvik says that: “this is understandable because

the ante-nuptial contract is specifically designed to cope with possible negative outcomes down the line, such as death or divorce.” This perception, says Strandvik, should be put aside because in reality an ante-nuptial contract is in most ways more equitable and preferable to being married in community of property – and it facilitates estate planning. (homebuyingtips.co.za)

Is your laptop too hot? We’ve heard about the dangers of too tight pants, but who would have thought that laptops might affect male fertility? Turns out that sitting with a computer on your lap will crank up the heat in your genital area, which could affect sperm quality. Researchers hooked thermometers to the scrotums of 29 young men who were balancing a laptop on their knees. They found that even with a lap pad under the computer, the men’s scrotums overheated quickly. According to journal Fertility and Sterility, the only way to protect yourself is to put your laptop back on your desk; effectively making it a desk top. (msnbc.com)

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the secrets of our success 10

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real life

Thandi (now 36) and Tshepo (38) met in 1994. Two years later they wed and now have two daughters aged nine and six. Thandi is an executive at one of SA’s largest insurance companies and Tshepo is a successful businessman. Writer Andrea Amos met with them in their Morningside townhouse to chat about what keeps their marriage alive... Andrea: How did you meet? Thandi still feeling a bit uncomfortable about the interview, begins with a nervous laugh: I was working as a financial advisor and had gone to a client visit at a company he worked for. As I walked to my car after my meeting, he came running after me. He apologised for his strange behavior and introduced himself. He then told me that he needed a financial planner and when can we meet to discuss further. When we eventually met, I explained how important it was to know what he wanted to save for so that I could recommend the best product for his needs. He replied: well, that depends on how many cattle your family will require for me to marry you? I really didn’t take him seriously, but we kept in touch. We became friends and before I knew it we were dating. Two years later he proposed and families started with lobola negotiations. As Thandi tells her version Tshepo has a huge grin on his face and at times chuckles to himself. Tshepo: For me it was love at first sight. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I just knew – finally my heart had found a home. And I then worked very hard to charm her, it wasn’t easy you know, she’s a Scorpio – very suspicious you see... He laughs out loud, as he brushes her hand with his. So, I had to make the marriage proposal very romantic. I secretly planned a weekend getaway to Magaliesburg. We arrived on a Saturday morning and during dinner that evening I popped the big question – on my knees and all. That is still one of the best days of my life, right there with our children’s birthdays and our wedding day.

Andrea: Okay, it is clear you two love each other and are happily married, but surely there have been challenges and hard times? Thandi: Yes, we’ve had our fair share – especially when we were younger. Still in my early twenties and with not much dating experience; in hindsight, I can’t say I did know myself well enough as a young woman. I tried to be who I was, without really knowing who I was. For me this presented itself through all of a sudden preferring to be home most of the time, refusing to go out with him, and when he did go out to visit his friends alone and he would come back late I would feel like he was choosing his friends over me. If I did visit his friends with him, I would be jealous that he was laughing so hard talking to his friends – he never laughed with me like that. I thought he doesn’t love me anymore. This all caused such inner turmoil, which led to me picking fights over ridiculous and petty issues, blowing them up, just to test if he still loves me. But thank God, Tshepo was so strong mentally, spiritually and had the emotional maturity to manage my tantrums. Of course, we had great mentors in our parents and pastor. Tshepo was really there for me in ways I can’t describe. The other challenging time for me was when I went back to work full-time after my second daughter was born and we had to go through a number of domestic workers before I could find the right one for our family. It made me feel like such a failure as a wife and mother, again in retrospect it was the negative thoughts I entertained and projected my anger towards him. So, see we’ve had our fair share of fights. I must say in all our past disagreements my mother-in-law was my pillar of strength and still is. She would also say things such as “fight like a lady. Don’t scream and shout; remember there’s strength in silence too. When raising issues of concern, make a conscious effort to keep your voice low at all times. Bottom line, is nothing beats communication if it’s done right.” You have to know yourself, you must also make a conscious decision to really know your husband. If he disappoints you, be like a young child who gets disappointed now yet within fifteen minutes or so has forgiven and forgotten all about it. It’s called love – but you must have inner peace to be able to practice it. 

Stay true to your values, belief system, and know your role as a husband

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real life Thandi: Tshepo is a good public speaker and so friends often ask him to be master of ceremonies at their weddings and parties but he has this habit of making jokes at my expense. The other time at his friend’s wedding he said: “Well, Brian it is a good thing that you’ve gotten married because my madam kept asking what I have in common with you as you are not married.” Everybody laughed as they stared in my direction. Of course, I said no such thing. Andrea: And you Tshepo? Tshepo: Oh no! You want me to be asked when you leave what did I mean by this and that? Before I know it I will be entangled in the “are you saying you are unhappy” debate. Tshepo: Well, you heard the lady. What can I say? I guess the best advice I ever got was from my pastor who said: as the head of the family you must have a spiritual father that guides you and gives you wisdom. Stay true to your values, belief system and know your role as a husband, excel in fulfilling it and that will give you inner peace. A man without inner peace is like a ticking time bomb. Another piece of advice was from a family friend (a longtime close friend of my father’s – who was also part of the lobola delegation): try not to take yourself too seriously. A lot of pain and hurt is self-imposed because people just take themselves way too seriously. Andrea: And chores and duties in the home, how do you guys handle that, Thandi? Thandi: Well, lucky for us we now have a wonderful live-in domestic worker. Tshepo and I both enjoy cooking, so it’s about who gets home first and feels up to it. While the one cooks, the other helps the girls with homework. Sometimes we both go on business trips at the same time and have to then make time for an outing with the children to catch up and connect. So, when it comes to roles in the home, I’m pleased to say my parents-in-law have really raised my husband very well, sometimes I feel it was a little bit too well as he has a habit of cleaning up after me; particularly on those lazy “I just want to lay down on the couch weekends”. I know he hates those weekends, and I swear I have seen him give me looks of disapproval when I have them, especially in winter when I grab my favorite blanket and hibernate. He hates it, he doesn’t admit it but I know. Andrea (laughs): I know what you mean. Let’s talk about those little bad habits that our spouses have and we just can’t stand?

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Andrea: Okay. You both mentioned getting advice and valuable life’s lessons from your parents. Have you ever disagreed with them in the past? Say, maybe in organising your wedding or raising your children? Tshepo: I must say that with the wedding plans we both made it clear to our families that we were working on a tight budget and ideas were welcome provided whoever came up with them - especially those with cost implications - will fund them and we will consider it a wedding gift. That silenced a lot of people. The tough one was when it came to the naming of our children. Thandi and I both felt that we should name our children, so our parents were very offended that we didn’t ask them to do it, especially the first child. They were very upset with us, but what added salt to the wound was that we gave our girls Amharic (language spoken in Ethiopia) names. At each birth they expressed their unhappiness regarding the names and in protest, for a couple of weeks after the birth of our girls, they’d pretend to struggle with the pronunciation of their names. But Thandi and I would just simply correct them each time they said the names wrong. They come around eventually. • D on’t miss our launch issue for expert advice on keeping your marriage happy.

What we can learn from Thandi and tshepo • Befriending your in-laws can help resolve problems before they start. • Patience and compassion in the early years can lead to life-long contentment. • Knowing when not to speak is as important as knowing what to say when you do.

Depression STOLE MY MARRIAGE This story will shock and move you. A husband and wife torn apart by a dark entity that wouldn’t leave them in peace WRITTEN BY S a r a h S h o ngw e

I was brought up in a comfortable

middle class home was private school and university educated started my own integrated marketing business at the age of 21 got married to my soul-mate at 23. Together we discovered and launched the music careers of R&B songstress and Muvhango actress Elle, and Afro Pop sensation and Rhythm City actress Kelly Khumalo – all before I was even 30! To look at me you would have thought that I had everything I wanted but I hid a dark secret that would finally overwhelm me. I was clinically depressed most of my life, but did not understand my affliction. Depression is loosely defined as suppressed anger and because the anger is not processed in a healthy manner it tends to find its outlet in aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour.

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It’s a true story My average month would consist of: one week of bliss, productivity and normalcy; one week of slight irritation, agitation and impatience, a week of extreme aggravation, rudeness and hostility; and another week of feeling totally overwhelmed, enraged and hopeless. It seemed that I exhibited a general pattern of a sad, low mood and gloom half the time – where I would often give my husband the silent treatment; with which I would alternate temper tantrums and fits of rage to fill the rest of the time. I have had many outrageous angry outbursts, but none is more etched in my mind than my five-hour rage-fuelled drive to Durban at 180kms per hour. I cannot recall what the source of the argument with my husband was on 15 December 2003, but I got so riled up that I had to escape. I soon found myself on the N3 highway to Durban – which was nearly six hours away. About an hour into my journey I realised that I was driving at a tremendously high speed of between 160 and 180kms per hour and had to keep overtaking other cars on the road as I could not slow down. By God’s grace I did not get into a collision. The following day I finally mustered up the strength to phone my husband and tell him where I was. Because I no longer felt the way I did when I stormed off, I desperately needed reassurance from him, but knew that I had hurt and upset him. As a result of the confusion concerning my unstable behaviour, my husband and I experienced severe pressure on our relationship which resulted in divorce. One incident that broke my heart and caused me to really look into myself and try to find out what was wrong with me, was when I received an email from him in September 2005 stating, “I’m really hurt and feel abused and treated extremely badly. I get treated like an idiot and you shout at me and throw tantrums whenever someone is around. This is really abusive and you’ve totally stripped our marriage of any dignity.”

In early 2006 my husband suggested that I may have a hormone imbalance of some kind causing my erratic behaviour. He even turned to my father – who is a Biochemist – for help, hoping that he would prescribe some homeopathic remedy that could stabilise my moods. Instead of helping, my father took him to task about the quality of our relationship and made comments like, “Maybe if she had children, she would be happier.” Then my father promised to call a meeting with us both, but never did and once again my husband was left to bear the weight and confusion of my mental and emotional instability all on his own.

victims of my temper

I know that my behaviour disturbed my husband, employees and artists – who were often the victims of my temper tantrums. It has taken me a long time to forgive myself. However, through therapy, introspection, prayer and meditation, I have learned to take responsibility for my actions and not the emotional reactions of others too. After a year of psychological therapy and a miraculous recovery from the depression, things should have finally stabilised for us. What I had not counted on was that in all the confusion over the years, my husband had been harbouring a deep and all-consuming resentment towards me. He had become progressively emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me, but at the time I thought that it was justified because of my abnormal behaviour. Only then did I realise the destructive and devastating effect of the cycle we had found ourselves in. After walking out on him a few days earlier

NEED HELP? The treatment of depression can consist of pharmacotherapy (medication), pyschotheraphy (talking to a therapist), or both. Contact the SA Anxiety and Depression Group on 011 262 6396 or visit their website www.sadag.co.za or for compassionate advice and support.

in May 2008, I returned to our home to collect the rest of my belongings. As we were in the process of divorcing, some key correspondence between us shed some light on what possibly went wrong. He wrote to me in an sms: “You’re still the great person I married and I have wronged you deeply and for that I’m truly sorry. On the other hand, standing between a marriage and us is a third party that can be defeated but I can’t be involved in dealing with it – I am deeply hurting as I’ve always loved you but I can’t afford the damage I suffer in the process.” The third party he is referring to is the depression. I wrote to him: “Why did you not end our marriage sooner since you obviously have been unhappy for years? Things clearly got worse as the years progressed. What were you still holding onto?” He replied: “Because I didn’t want to leave YOU on account of IT. I wanted to be happy with you, not leave you in order to be happy.” You need to understand that the presence of depression or any other psychological disorder in a relationship tends to overshadow many aspects of that relationship. It breeds a lot of drama that robs people of the time, energy and opportunity to deal with their underlying weaknesses in cultivating healthy relationships. I entered my marriage as a victim of severe rejection and emotional abuse from my parents and other relationships of trust. My husband entered our marriage equally wounded by his background, but my overt explosions – fuelled by his passive provocation – slowly suffocated our once flourishing relationship. I don’t blame myself or my ex-husband for the breakdown of our relationship and marriage. I only hold us both responsible for not being proactive about getting to the root of our destructive cycle sooner. Extract from Shongwe’s forthcoming book Depression Made Me Fat.

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Givers needers

Here are two potential relationship warning bells that you should heed before saying I do: women who give too much â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and needy men.

Do you fall into either of these categories? 16

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RELATIONSHIPS

do you

give

him too mucH?

Women who give too much in relationships will usually

find that their relationships don’t work out. And this happens to many women. They give far too much, far too early, and then wonder why it isn’t appreciated. If you’re exhausted from giving to your man, if you feel drained from feeling that you get little in return, read this article to find out why giving too much will not win a man over. Women can be very generous and giving in relationships. Naturally a girl wants to impress her new man early on. However, giving too much is never a good thing when you hardly know a guy. If you give too much without requiring something in return, he may well take your generous gifts but he will know subconsciously that you undervalue yourself. He will lose respect from an early stage. He may well take advantage but then he will probably leave. This is because giving too much tends to come from a sense of neediness and inadequacy. If I give more, he will love me more. If I do more he will appreciate me more. She gives because she does not want to lose the relationship that gives her purpose. She is frightened to say no to him in case he gets upset and dumps her. Perhaps she does his laundry, lends him money and gives him gifts or sleeps with him too soon. She may put her own life on hold so she is always available to him and gives in to his last minute requests and demands. Does he appreciate this? No, he does not. If she lets him walk all over her, he will not respect her and the relationship will be doomed. He will assume she is desperate. Or that she is easy. A man

actually wants a woman who can stand up for herself and will look out for herself, despite what he says to the contrary. This is because a man wants a woman who values herself. If you give yourself away to someone you hardly know you appear to have no self worth. And if you don’t place any value upon yourself then he certainly won’t. An immature man may encourage you to be selfless, and give generously to him, but he will only be interested in you as long as you are giving. As soon as you expect something in return, he will not be able to give back. You will end up exhausted and drained. This is one great reason to get to know him before you give too much! Added to this, women who give too much in relationships are generally incapable of receiving because they don’t feel worthy. She feels uncomfortable if he pays for dinner or buys her gifts or helps her out in any way. She feels she should be independent and doesn’t like to ask for his help. However, a mature masculine man needs to feel needed by his woman. He is happy to help, as long as she admires his efforts. It is important to him to be significant. Generosity is a masculine trait and for this reason, a man will love to treat his dream girl. A woman who knows how to receive and appreciate will bring out the best in her man and make him feel good. These are the relationships that succeed, not the ones where the woman his the sole giver. Instead, her giving makes him feel smothered. He senses her neediness and he feels uncomfortable with her expectations. He wonders when payback time will come. Such women are giving because they want something back. They want the relationship at any cost. Who the man is tends to be fairly irrelevant and he knows this. Without the relationship she feels empty and void. If you are one of these women who give too much in relationships, then you are not alone. Most of us have been there at some point in our lives. Giving too much is generally an unconscious trait. We don’t even know we are doing it. Once you are aware of it, you can start to look at the reasons why you do it. Realise that now is the time to start placing a higher value on yourself so that a man will value you more. Start learning to receive as well as to give and appreciate every little thing that your man does for you. This will encourage him to give more and feel good about it. If you can do this, you will have more energy and happier relationships. 

She gives because she does not want to lose the relationship that gives her purpose. She is frightened to say no to him in case he gets upset and dumps her

www.idomagazine.co.za

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RELATIONSHIPS

Other signs of neediness

Needy men hardly display leadership

qualities. To fix it, there is no other way: you must be willing to lead! Women are naturally attracted to men who have leading qualities. Feminists may say anything they want, but facts show that most women still prefer to be lead instead of leading in their relationships with men. No wonder, it is a built-in instinct in women! Males and females have their own roles. While the male’s primary roles are to provide and protect (thus, to lead), female primary roles are to care and nurture. So instinctively, women prefer strong men. That strength can be shown through how the man leads. So, don’t always leave your next girlfriend to decide what you both will do or where to go for dates. It is your job. Show that you can lead and you will

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find how she likes you better because of it – and will never see you as one of those pitiful, needy men. I know that many of you who do that (always letting your girlfriend chose) do so based on an honourable intention; to show your respect to the girl’s wishes, to show her that you value her as an equal partner. But the problem is, by always doing that, she may perceive you as a weak man, a needy man, not a man that she can rely on. Every woman wants a man that can protect and lead her when trouble comes. This is ingrained in her, in every female human being. If you always seek her approval for everything, soon she will no longer see you as a potential mate. You will then be put in the friend-zone: okay for a friend, but not for more than that.

Think you or your partner might fall into either of these categories, or do you have other concerns about yourself or the one you are planning on spending the rest of your life with? Write to advice@idomagazine. co.za and you may be one of the lucky ones to receive some personal expert advise. Please be advised that your story may be published – but don’t worry, we’ll protect your identity.

(Copyright: www.relationshipadviceforall.com)

Are you a needy guy?

• Too controlling • Acting desperate • Never argue • Too pushy • Too attached Okay, in short, needy men are those who will do anything that their women want. I know many of you always do that because you think it will please her. But in fact, you’ll only turn her off or even make her run away from you. By doing that, you are not acting naturally and she will immediately sense it and see you as fake, a characterless and needy man. Remember, women are 10 times better than us men in reading body language and such signals. So, what is the best way to approach the woman we like? By having confidence and by being yourself. No need to change your plans to suit her. No need to sacrifice your social life in order to get close to her. Let her see the best of your true character instead. Show her that you have an interesting life and she will appreciate you more. She will see you as a genuine and confident man. In turn, this will make her more attracted to you. So, free yourself from that bad habit immediately and find out soon how more women attracted to you and want to know you more!

www.idomagazine.co.za

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SUBS

Subscribe and win Subscribe to a South African first: i do magazine, the only magazine for men and women determined to find fulfilment together. • i do magazine is a marriage lifestyle-oriented magazine; a uniquely modern-afro-centric marriage magazine. • The magazine’s editorial vision is to capture the multi-dimensional elements of both the modern and traditional outlooks of marriage, and to provide a new outlook that highlights the intricate picture of marriage. • i do magazine will focus on the positives of marriage and feature insightful information that will be of capital benefit to the families, and couples aspire towards marriage. • i do magazine will also stimulate a new lifestyle, setting trends and inspiring couples to believe in the sanctity and joy that should be found in a marriage. The magazine will also explore the role of marriage in the greater society. • Through its initiatives i do magazine will focus on all elements that bulid a happy marriage and lifestyle. • i do magazine is not only for married couples. Here you’ll also find invaluable information and support for single and divorced parents wanting to create happy homes for their families.

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Social initiative

SA women unite to fight poverty i do had the privilege of being invited to the Agang Sechaba community fundraiser tea

Agang Sechaba, founded by

Nomsa Ntshingila, is a women’s initiative which was formed by professional women who are passionate about community development. It is aimed at improving the lives of the children and women in the SA communities. Agang Sechaba is managed by the same women, who come from diverse professional backgrounds, and who are passionate about making a difference, rather than watching from the sidelines. Among the guests was guest speaker Dr Toni Luck who reminded us that happiness has a twin – and name of that twin is giving.

Should you wish to be featured on our social initiative page, please send the request editor@ idomagazine.co.za

1 Napo Masheane and Motshabi Tyelele 2 Redi Thlabi and Felicia Buthelezi 3 Mpho Mashigo, Muna Luna and Tshidi Gule 4 Mantimi, Matshepo Senatle and Pinky Phala 5 Josina Michel, Nomsa Ntshingila and Dr Toni Luck

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Motherhood

Stay-at-home, full time exec? Two mothers with two very different lifestyles share the challenges and delights of being mothers in a busy, busy world

Devi, 36, has two children, Nick, age five, and Aneshree, age eight. When pregnant with Nick, Devi and her husband decided that it would be best if she gave up her position as a buyer for a national fashion store chain, and become a full time mum.

Advantages

‘Aneshree was so happy when I gave up my job and those four months before Nick came were some of the best times we ever had. I felt I really got to know my daughter properly. I love being with my children, fetching them from school, going to their music concerts and soccer practice. I enjoy helping Aneshree with her homework and – most of all – I enjoy having the energy to dedicate to them.’

Advantages

‘I have learned to separate my work life from my home life and try not to bring work home with me. I make sure I spend as much quality time with Zack and Ella as possible. Having two incomes is essential in our household. We also travel overseas with them at least once a year and I believe this broadens their horizons.’

Disadvantages

‘I do sometimes feel guilty and sometimes it hurts that my au pair knows my kids better than I do. There are also times when I am very tired from work, or don’t want to break my concentration, but I know that I am primarily a mother. Law is, after all, just a job.’

Advice

Keep weekends work free when you can and don’t think that you have to overcompensate by taking them on lavish outings or buying them lots of expensive things. Staying at home and having a simple family braai is often what they really want.’

‘I admit that not having two incomes was a challenge in the beginning, but now that I’ve started selling art for local galleries, online, from home, I feel I have the best of both worlds. Sometimes I do get bored and I miss the company of my work peers. ’ ‘Try not to lose contact with your work friends. Take up part time work or study if you can; you need to keep your brain alive.’

Celia is mom to Zack, age five and Ella, age four. She is a senior partner in a law firm and worked through both pregnancies and took only three month maternity breaks.

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Advice

• Don’t miss Dr David Molapo on fatherhood in our launch issue

PARENTING ISSUES

parenting 101 In his outstanding book, Divorce for Dads, former soccer star Gary Bailey discusses the different ‘types’ of parent Which category do you fall into? Go on, be honest… Authoritarian

This style of parent had been very popular over the years, and is often associated with fathers. It is the ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ school of parenting, which demands that young people should follow a set of strict rules that are established by their parents. Parents who employ this style will often punish children for breaking the rules but fail to explain why the rules were set in the first place. As a result, it can be difficult for children to set their own internal barriers. Those who grow up with authoritarian parents, or a dominant authoritarian parent, are generally well behaved and have proficient life skills, but may be less happy and have lower social skills and self-esteem.

Permissive

Permissive parenting incorporates a generally laissez faire approach to child rearing: it is the diametric opposite of authoritarian parenting. Permissive parents indulge their children, rarely set boundaries and allow them significant amounts of self-regulation. They tend to give in to their children’s demands and interact with them – sometimes consciously – as friends, rather than demanding a parent-child relationship. In reality, this parenting style often produces children who are less happy than their peers and less capable of selfdiscipline or working within boundaries.

This can lead to problems in places where there are strict boundaries.

Uninvolved

Uninvolved or neglectful parents make very few demands on their children. They let them do whatever they want, offer very little guidance or input and fail to respond to their needs, There is little communication between parent and child, with the result that personal problems are not quickly resolved. Uninvolved parents usually meet their children’s fundamental needs, such as food, clothing and shelter, but offer little in the way of emotional support or encouragement. Children tend to grow up with low self-esteem and an inability to form close relationships with others. The risk of depression and other problems in adulthood is high.

Authoritative

Sometimes referred to as ‘child focused’ or ‘democratic’, this style of parenting is very hands-on and seeks to establish

NEED HELP? If you feel you’re not coping as a parent, don’t be shy to ask for assistance. Families South Africa has long been the first port of call for parents and children in need and you are sure to find compassionate and practical advice. Visit their website www.famsa.org.za

a balance between meeting children’s needs and setting clear boundaries for them. Authoritative (but not authoritarian) parents establish clear expectations of behaviour and are consistent in ensuring they are met. When children cross these boundaries, they are given clear messages about why it is unacceptable. Authoritative parents listen to and attend to their children’s needs, both emotional and material, but they don’t indulge them at the expense of themselves or others. Children are taught that actions have consequences, but methods of reinforcing standards of behaviour are supportive rather than punitive. Authoritative parenting styles tend to produce children who are happy, capable and successful. They have good internal boundaries are able to relate to others.

www.idomagazine.co.za

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Money talks

NEWLY WEDS

SHOULD PLAN WELL Addressing money matters well before the wedding will save much heartache after written by B rya n H i r s c h One of the big ticket items in young peoples’ lives is the

cost of their wedding. Thus, a great deal of planning is needed to ensure that the invitations, the venue, dresses for both bride and bridesmaids, catering, music and everything else runs like clockwork. However, what is often overlooked is drawing up the marriage contract as well as the joint financial plan. The first major contract a couple decides to enter into is their marriage contract. Should they get married ‘in community of property’ or with an ‘antenupital contract’, with or without accrual? If they decide to marry in community of property, both parties will own all assets jointly, whether acquired before or during the marriage. Marriage In community of property could lead to serious problems however should one party go insolvent, the joint estate would be sequestrated and all assets could then be lost. With any ‘Antenuptial Contract’ the effect is that each party owns his or her assets and has complete control over his or her estate during the marriage. The assets of one spouse cannot be attacked by the creditors of the other. However, if the accrual system applies, then on termination of the marriage, by death or divorce, whatever the parties have built up during the marriage will, effectively, be shared between them. The second, extremely important legal document a young couple must consider is their Will. The significance of having a

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valid up to date Will can never be over-emphasized. If a person dies without a Will, no executor has been appointed and, as a result, the beneficiaries will have to nominate an executor on whom they all agree. If you do nothing else about your personal financial affairs, you should ensure that you have a current Will. As most young couples live on a joint income, it is vital that they consider purchasing a life insurance policy which will supplement the income of the remaining spouse on the death or disability of their partner. This becomes increasingly important once a home is purchased and if there are children to support. When their first home is purchased, they should ensure that they understand the terms of the offer to purchase and, perhaps, have their own attorney vet the agreement for them. Newly weds should also be wary of over extending themselves financially when purchasing their first home. Another important aspect requiring consideration is retirement planning. Often this part of financial planning is not taken care of, as retirement seems incomprehensively far away! It must be remembered that the sooner one starts with retirement funding, the less of a burden it becomes. Look out for more sound financial advice from Bryan Hirsch in upcoming issues of i do magazine.

Health and wellness Sister M at i l da P h o o ko tells it like it i s...

When discussing disclosing ones HIV status it is important for others to recognise the near-impossibility of revealing oneself to friends and family.

Disclosure – the greatest challenge Every human being finds it extremely hard to

talk about their inner self; we all tend to keep our emotions and experiences to ourselves, even under such circumstances when it’s dangerous or un ethical to do so. Disclosing our health status is one of the greatest challenges that anyone can be faced with. Speaking of your negative health status to your beloved ones becomes hard in the sense that it makes you feel you are bringing the hurt to them, perhaps even exposing your uncertainty of their perception of you. HIV disclosure has never been more important. The most difficult thing is the initial way in which HIV was introduced; notwithstanding the fact that we now all know that HIV is a not a disease exclusive to gay or promiscuous people. The truth is, HIV is here and we have to boldly deal with it or die from it. If you have found that you are HIV-positive, you unfortunately have to disclose at least to someone very close to you that can trust for support. It is compulsory that you tell your spouse or sexual partner. Not to do so is the ultimate betrayal of love and trust. Share your health concerns with me. There is nothing I haven’t heard before. And please don’t think that I don’t care, because I DO! Email sistermatilda@ idomagazine.co.za

Hope for an AIDS vaccine A research group in Atlanta has developed an AIDS vaccine that shows 96 percent effectiveness in non-human, pre-clinical trials. The GeoVax vaccine, developed on the campus of Emory University, is already in Phase 1 human trials and could be on the market by 2011. One of the challenges involved in preventing and curing any type of virus is the rate of mutation. HIV has a very high rate of mutation, so killing or deactivating it requires multiple, simultaneous attacks that can preempt or negate its ability to mutate. In order to stop the virus from escaping, the GeoVax vaccine uses a two-step method to trigger and then boost the two primary immune responses in the human body. In the antibody response, anti-viral cells called antigens bind to the virus cells and deactivate them; in the cellular response, blood cells called T-cells kill the cells already infected with the virus. The overall effect is to stop the virus from spreading. By focusing on both parts of the system, the vaccine can quickly and dramatically bombard the HIV cells and destroy them before they destroy the immune system. i do magazine will keep you updated about new findings in HIV research and treatment. Information supplied by Discovery Health.

www.idomagazine.co.za

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It hurts When relationship issues get you down, you need someone who truly understands. Share your troubles with i do’s wise counsellor

And e l i n e W i l l i amsP r e to r i u s is here to l i s t e n to yo u...

Love child?

I have just find out that my husband has a child outside our marriage and it hurts me so bad, I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him or stay with him? I still love my husband. - Sbu You do not say whether the child was born out of infidelity or whether he was born out of a previous relationship. If it was the latter, it could be because he himself had no idea and when he eventually discovered he has a child, he perhaps felt uncomfortable telling you about it. Having said that, the lack of communication is no excuse. In the event that the child was born as a result of infidelity in the marriage, it must be devastating for you having to deal with this. Whether you should leave or stay is your decision. However, you should ask yourself whether you love your husband enough to want to save your marriage. If you would like to save your marriage, your husband should be very active in trying to restore your trust. This will obviously take time. It is also a good idea for you and your husband to seek marriage counselling. It is important that you do not punish the child. He has the right to see his father or have a relationship with him. However, as the wife, you have the right to be involved as far as visitation is concerned.

No respect

I have a problem. My wife doesn’t show me any respect. She shouts at me in

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front of my friends and kids. What should I do? We have spoken about this several times, but it doesn’t get better. I am hurting. - Sidney It is indeed very humiliating when an adult, male or female is being treated like a child by their partner. More so when this happens in front of other people. As a man you may feel as if you are being robbed of your masculinity, your manhood. You may feel fearful that your children may end up not respecting you. These are all legitimate concerns. Having said that, I would like to suggest that you take a minute to look back at the childhood your wife has had or ask her about her childhood. There may be a more serious and deeper reason for her behaviour than the one on the surface – a mere lack of respect. Has she perhaps witnessed her mother treating her father in this manner and was she perhaps

conditioned into believing that this is how a wife should treat her husband? Another possibility could be that she had to witness her mother being abused in this manner and this is a defence mechanism to ensure she is not treated in this manner. The scenario of “I’ll get them before they get me...” It is important that you communicate with your wife. Let her know how much you hurt and assure her of your support in changing this destructive habit. Ask her about her childhood, about the things that could have perhaps contributed to her acting in this manner. If she’s comfortable discussing this with you, you can suggest that she also seeks professional help to help her deal with the cause. Remember, she needs your support. If you have a problem for which you can’t find a solution, write to ithurts@idomagazine. co.za. We regret that we aren’t able to respond to you in person.

food for

thought

Take a breather and ponder on the wisdom of the ages Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. - John Gray

Be a good father The five Rs from Before You Do by Bishop TD Jakes • Research • Roadwork • Rewards • Revelation • Rearview

The National Council for Fathering South Africa is headed up by i do contributor and world-renowned motivational speaker, Dr David Molapo. Its aims include to: • Educate Men to accept an active Fathering Role • Produce Involved, responsible, committed and loving Fathers • Inspire men to become Positive Role Models • Encourage men to Take Responsibility for their Children

What’s an ANC? Lest you think an Antenuptial Contract (ANC) is a swift means to getting a divorce – or some antimarriage document… (Just in case you didn’t know: ‘ante’ means ‘before’ and ‘anti means ‘against’.) An ANC is a legally binding contract that sets out ownership of assets in separate estates and which excludes liability from each other’s debts. An ANC will help you plan your marriage relationship together in a structured way based on a clear understanding from the start. It will also play a very important role in estate planning and will assist to protect you as a couple. (Hall & Associates)

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Spiritual insight

in-law intelligence “Loving your in-laws is one of the dearest ways you can show love to your spouse.” This is sometimes easier said than done, but hopefully this little story will help you find your ‘quiet and gentle’ spirit ‘Mom Reilly came to live with us

at the age of 79 after living alone as a widow for 15 years. We had been married for nine years and had four small children. ‘Mom’ was determined to get as much attention as possible from my busy doctor husband, who was rarely home. She’d rise at four or five in the morning and start banging a spoon on the table, announcing it was time for coffee. ‘She insisted on never being alone, which meant I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone. ‘Diaaannne,’ followed by knocks on the door, could be heard throughout the house. ‘She was also a joy to shop with. When buying school clothes, I would find a comfy chair for her in the shoe department before heading out. Ten minutes later, I’d inevitably hear my name paged over the loudspeaker system! ‘A ‘quiet and gentle’ spirit I did not have, but desperately wanted – and needed! I was in daily turmoil over the increasing demands I tried to place on myself in an effort to be the perfect wife and mother, with my ‘thorn’, Mom Reilly, burrowing deeper and deeper into my

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side. Her tongue was so sharp; nothing I said or did pleased her. ‘I became compliant on the outside, but seethed with resentment and anger on the inside. She was my ‘ball and chain’. I took out my frustrations on my patient husband, sideswiping him time and again about being a workaholic.

a revelation

That evening Diane had a revelation in which she became aware of her motherin-law as a woman just like herself: one who also needed patience, love and compassion. ‘My heart changed that night. God gave me His heart for Mom Reilly. No longer was it an effort go love and care for her. She lived with us for 16 years, and we now see her time with us as a divine gift to bring supernatural love into our family.

WANT MORE If you would like to read more spiritual articles about relationships – from diverse belief systems and cultures – you’ll love our ‘Spiritual perspectives’ section on www.idomagazine.co.za.

‘It was the God who asked for a gentle and quiet spirit from me and it was this thorn of adversity that caused me to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh. ‘I fell more and more in love with my husband as I practiced on his mom. And as my heart changed toward Bob and he was no longer battling my anger and critical spirit, we began studying, applying and then teaching God’s blueprint for marriage. ‘One of the best things we did was to begin praying together. Our times together with the Lord are our most intimate. It’s hard to be angry, critical, or disinterested when you go into the throne room together. We pray together daily and communion is so sweet. We also honored Mom Reilly and thank God for her, His special gift. From the bottom of my heart I can say that she gave us more than we gave her.’ This story is an extract from The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage, 50 inspirational real-life stories compiled by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah Publishers.

Inspiration

The lifelong love affair #1 The power of finding inner happiness in a relationship written by Au d r e y R a m a b o e One of my favourite poems on

marriage is Kahil Gibran’s On Marriage. I find it more relevant today than it ever was. And to think that Gibran wrote it in the 20th century excites me indeed; it means that what I am saying to you is not new, but rather wisdom that has stood the test of time. Many of you have heard the phrase: ‘You can’t give what you do not have’. For the purpose of this article we will focus on the first of four of what I deem the most important values for a happy marriage. These are: inner happiness, love, respect and trust, which all come down to knowing yourself. Inner happiness is very important for the individual (single or married). Inner happiness is a happiness of spirit, serenity, tranquility, and peace of the soul. It carries you through the turmoil of life with calm stability. When you encounter disappointments and challenges in life you will face them with a certain calmness and peace. To have inner happiness you have to be comfortable with yourself as a woman or man; know yourself and accept yourself.

Do you know your life’s purpose and are you living it? If not, do you have a plan to start living your life’s purpose? What are your dreams? Have you fulfilled them? If not, do you have a plan to fulfil them? Do you have hobbies and what are

they? Have a plan on how you will fit them into your life. Remember that what you decide to do today, you don’t necessarily have to do for the rest of your life. It’s not cast on stone and as human beings we grow, so too can our dreams and interests change. As long as the changes to be made remain aligned to your values and belief system. Unhappiness arises from a failure within the individual: weakness of character, doing things inconsistent with your belief system and values, failure to fulfil responsibility. Note for women: men expect women they love to have inner happiness. Be happy from within, so you can share the joy and peace around, and spread light on dark days. This is not negotiable, it is expected. The great thing with inner happiness is that it is like education, once you have it no one can take it away from you. So, strive to have inner happiness; you can’t give what you don’t have. Don’t miss part #2 of this series, when Audrey writes of the importance of Love, Respect and Trust in a relationship.

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MIND, body AND SOUL

Nurture your soul

People live under enormous pressure; always striving for more in all areas of our lives. The external side of life offers us more opportunity to get more of what we want, but this way of living changes us from being those who enjoy life to human machines that slave after a goal that might be important, but which is not the main thing. by HofiT Barouchi

them why they are feeling that way they simply say they feel empty. The reason they feel empty is because they ignore their souls. Our soul is a spot of light belonging to God, connecting us with the world above. The soul knows everything about the journey on earth; it knows the best way to take us on a life path.

OUR GIFTS

Let us stop for a moment and think

what is behind all of this. From my experience with my clients I see people who change themselves: they switch off something special in themselves and just follow their physical life, trying to make all their dreams come true. They strive to afford whatever they want and believe they need, but some of them still remain unhappy. When I ask

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Each soul has a gift of unconditional love, mercy and understanding. The question is: are we really using these three gifts in our way to get success? The answer is no. We like to run alone, fast, to get everything quickly and to succeed and say ‘I did it’. This is a wrong way of thinking and it’s time to start a better way of thinking and living: to acknowledge the soul, understanding that if we will open ourselves we will stop running and will start listening to our inner voice. We will become more intuitive and will learn to use all of our senses. We will discover how easy life can be once we open the door to ourselves. When our souls are treated as they should be, we will feel light and happy.

Here are a few ideas on how you can open your hearts and find those three precious gifts. • Exercise will help on a physical level: yoga and Pilates will help you connect and open points of energy and soul. • Once a day, dedicate a couple of minutes to stopping everything completely. Switch your cellphone off and don’t allow anything external to distract you. Don’t think, just be, allowing yourself to connect with your inner self. You don’t need to know how this works, but you will feel yourself ‘opening up’. • Once a month, escape all the meetings and commitments to take some real time for yourself to treat your body and your soul. • It is through these paths of healing that you can even help to avoid physical disease from your body and mind.

Central reservations 086 055 0055 info@mangwanani.co.za

Intimacy

30 your lover ways to please

In his book Creative Romance, author Doug Fields offers some wonderfully creative ideas for keeping the home fires burning. Here are i do’s favourites

1. S ketch your “dream house” floor plan and talk about each room. 2. W rite a love story of how you met. Get it printed and bound. 3. L ist your spouse’s best qualities in alphabetical order and share it with him or her.

10. Give your spouse a body massage. 11. Read to one another in bed. 12. Turn the lights down during dinner.

4. Tour a museum or an art gallery together.

14. Shave your wife’s legs. 15. Shave your husband’s face. 16. Look into your spouse’s eyes while she/he tells you about her/his day. 17. Cook a meal together.

5. P lace emphasis on the little changes she makes concerning her appearance. 6. G ive your spouse a bath. 7. T ake a stroll together around the block. 8. B ring home foods she loves to eat but won’t buy for herself. .

9. Rent a classic love story and watch it while cuddling under blankets.

13. Make a surprise call (plus your scheduled calls) to your spouse while you’re out of town.

you!” 20. Fulfil one of your spouse’s fantasies. 21. Create your own special holiday. 22. Become your spouse’s cheerleader when she’s (he’s) had a terrible day.

23. Tell your spouse: “I love you because...” (Finish the sentence)

18. When you’re the one who’s correct during a discussion, give your spouse a kiss. Focus on your love rather than on who’s right. 26. While driving, pull over for scenic sights and get out of the car to enjoy God’s creation. 19. Tell your spouse, “I’m glad I married

24. Show your wife affection when she’s talking to one of her friends. 25. Do something your spouse loves to do, even if you do not

27. Write affirming love letters. 28. G o the extra mile to please your mate. 29. Spontaneously spend the entire day together away from the house. 30. Develop a code word for sex that you can use when you’re in a crowd. Don’t miss our next intimacy feature courtesy of sexual wellness expert, Dr Eve. Send your own tips for keeping the love alive to editor@idomagazine.co.za.

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Advertorial

Edgars

Melrose Arch

turns one Situated in The Piazza, Edgars

Melrose Arch is 6 300sqm of pure shopping indulgence. Within just a year after opening its doors on Friday 30 October 2009, Edgars Melrose Arch has created a benchmark in retail shopping, reflecting the growing international and cosmopolitan tastes of its customers. To celebrate the success of this flagship store, a star-studded affair was held in November to coincide with the launch of CK Beauty. Edgars Melrose Arch offers you an extensive choice of quality products and designer brands, and a 800sqm cosmetic floor with customised cosmetic boutiques and exclusive brands, elegant fixtures and down-lighting â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and the kind of personalised service that discerning shoppers need. So what are you waiting for? Get down to Edgars Melrose Arch to enjoy a shopping experience designed with you in mind.

in dulge fashion beauty dÉcor travel motor entertainmnet

The all white linen suit is a spring and summer classic that exudes ‘effortless chic’ by proving season after season that it is a wardrobe staple, unsurpassed by time and trends.

In this look: The Pringle suit was paired with a white cotton ruffled shirt to soften the look and give it a more romantic feel. A summer straw hat in white and silver was also added to boost the outfit and give it a bit of zing. All available from Edgars Melrose Arch. 

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fashion

Men are focusing on well tailored suits in quality fabrics to present a leaner and form-fitting silhouette.

With the party season around the corner, it is important to make note of all the year end functions, all the social events as well as all the festivities that one needs to dress up and glam up for. With that being the case, â&#x20AC;&#x2122;tis the season to be fabulous. His and her looks are becoming more and more classic, elegant and sophisticated. Ladies are indulging in dresses, blouses, smart slacks, formal denim wear, heels and classic bold jewellery. Men are focusing on well tailored suits in quality fabrics to present a leaner and form fitting silhouette.

In this look: He wears a

tuxedo blazer and pants from Carducci. D66 lace-ups and a brown buckle belt were the only accessories needed to complete the look. Simple yet chic and elegant. All available from Edgars, Arch 34 â&#x20AC;˘ ISSUEMelrose ONE www.idomagazine.co.za

BEAUTY

Glowing, breathing, fresh and strong Nthato Mashishi is one of South Africa’s most wanted make-up artists. He chats to i do magazine about his passion I remember when Princess Diana got married, being

all the time. You have to have the personality for this kind of job! Product-wise I use a bit of everything because every product captivated by her beauty – but also by the dress, which I house has something special and you can be surprised that immediately started sketching. As a kid I always loved art and even some of the cheap brands can work magic. I’m still loyal used to sketch garments all the time. If I hadn’t become a to Iman cosmetics, Mac, Black Like Me, Black-up, Sleek channel, make-up artist I would have been a designer. Revlon, Lancôme, Bassie’s cosmetics Although the perception might and L’Oreal. be that I only target celebrities, I actually work with anyone who can afford my services. Beautiful you In South Africa, most of our This season’s beauty fashion is still celebs don’t believe in investing all about colour: peacock shades in themselves when it comes to including bright greens, blues beauty. Those that do are more oranges, pinks, yellows, reds with visible and very influential. shimmer, aqua marine are in, My favourite clients include along with sea shades with Basetsana Kumalo, Lira Terry, golds and silvers. Bubble gum Nhlanhla Nciza, Thandiswa colours are also big: think mint, Mazwai, Michael Mol, Tumisho lilac and peach. Masha and DJ Sbu, I’ve also worked The best beauty advice I Nthato’s with international stars such as can offer i do readers is: top tip. John Legend, Kelly Rowland and always allow yourself time Cleanse twice a day Caprice as well as super model and to learn about ways and – and never, ever go Iman. The list goes on. products that are best to sleep with your make-up on! What sets me apart from my for you. colleagues is that I’ve created Know what suits your skinmy own signature: I’m all about type, tone or complexion. And if glowing, breathing, fresh and you get stuck, don’t be afraid to pretty – along with very strong and Nthato and Lira at SA Style Awards speak to a make-up artist or beauty very high fashion. specialist. I can teach you simpler I treat myself as a business in terms of the professionalism ways of achieving a beautiful face with basic products – within and getting the quality that you pay for. Most of all, I love and five minutes. respect my craft and that shows in my work. I always do research in terms of techniques, technology and You can find Mashishi’s magic in every second glossy magazine – trends and always evolve and make sure I’m on top of my game and via mashishinthato@yahoo.com.

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DÉCor

Wendy’s top tip.

Making a home sexy comes down to choosing fabrics and materials

heart

Home Roberto Cavalli once said; “Your home may be one of the most significant reflections of your lifestyle and you.” With this in mind, i do home stylist Wendy Prevost invites us into her home and shares some tips... 36

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Living among beautiful things is

therapeutic. It transmits energy, strength, and harmony. Beauty inspires more beauty – of thought, word and deed. A home represents the contraposition to work’s stressful and frantic rhythms. Living in a place surrounded by beauty, art and culture supports a healthy family’s need to invigorate its collective soul. I love a house that is full of warmth, voices, and memories. Personalise your home with elements reflecting your lifestyle. The secret is choosing the paintings, fabrics, light effects and collected objects that best represent a happy moment or an unforgettable vacation. Don’t let a designer dictate his or her own style, but rather insure that your designer knows you well enough to reflect your family’s personality. Making a home a place of the heart comes down to choosing fabrics and materials that are pleasant to touch. Your choice of lighting will enhance this, warming up the ambience and making your house truly a place of peace and refuge.

Clockwise from left: In the main bedroom, l have filled this space with books, candles, music, a TV, side lamps (your low light). I have mixed textures – fur throw cushions with silk curtains and cushions and fine cotton bed linen making it all very tactile. The main bathroom has a large bath to soak in. Indulge, pamper yourself. The tiles are glass mosaic tiles with Caesertone counter tops and there are heated rails for large fluffy bath sheets. For the kitchen l have mixed smooth with rough – glass with wood, light with dark. The kitchen boasts marble floors and stainless steel handles. The open plan lounge is ideal for casual living. Side perspex lamps are ideal for low lighting for the evening. Slip covers on all the couches and chairs are a fabulous idea as they are easy to clean if your house is full of children and pets. Use fur throws for winter, then remove them in summer. In the dinning room, l have placed one dramatic central art piece, this is your focal piece. l have a linen runner down the centre of the table.

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travel

Tantalising

THAIland Thailand holds a sense of wonder for all those who visit its shores written by N ata l i a T h o m s o n

â&#x20AC;˘ ISSUE ONE

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DID YOU KNOW?

Shopping in Thailand is a must. There are beautiful arrays of Thai silks, wooden curios, bags, shoes, ceramics and jewellery on offer and do not to be afraid to haggle.

“Sawasdee ka, you are welcome”

still rings musically in my ears as I fondly remember the graciousness of the Thai people. No matter where you traipse through Thailand, this is one thing that will stay in your heart, Thais are renowned for their generosity of spirit and selfless service. Thailand is already uppermost in the minds of many South African travellers, but for the most part their initial contact with this southeast Asian paradise would be Bangkok, Phuket and Krabi. Fortunately for Thai fans, there’s plenty more to see as the more adventurous head for the northern tourism hotspots of Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai, while for those seeking that all important island-style experience, Koh Samui, Koh Tao and Koh Phangan are an absolute must. 

Koh Phangan

Famous for its Full Moon Party, held every month at Haad Rin, Koh Phangan is located a short 30-minute speedboat ride from Koh Samui. The island has always been a spiritual place for the Thai people and is almost entirely covered by unspoilt tropical forest. HighlightS: • Diving and snorkelling at one of the diving hotspots, including Koh Ma (linked to Koh Phangan by a sandbar) and Sail Rock (arguably one of the most famous dive sites in the Gulf of Thailand). • Phangan Safari offering full- and half-day tours including elephant rides, jungle trekking and visits to the Chinese Temple. • Sunset dinners on the beach of Santhiya Resort and Spas By The Sea and Bar restaurant with its authentic Thai cuisine. • A relaxing spa treatment at the Panviman Resort’s Viman Spa offering such treatments as a Thai Herbal Massage and Aromatherapy reflexology. The spa is set on a hill overlooking the bay with its traditional fishing boats.

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TRAVEL

WIN!

A trip for two to Thailand is up for grabs. Simply sms your full name to 123 123 to stand a chance to win.

Koh Samui

Koh Tao It’s just a brief two-hour ferry ride to the northern most island in the archipelago, Koh Tao; its boulder-rich landscape is rather reminiscent of the Seychelles. The island is a little more difficult to get around by scooter due to its hilly landscape but has many tucked away rustic rest spots where weary travellers can laze in a hammock or munch down a traditional Thai stir fry. Highlights: • A n evening Thai massage at Chamchuree Resort’s cliff-top spa. Besides the massage being so good they’ll want to go back for more, the idyllic cliff-top location overlooking the turquoise sea will leave them feeling serene. • T here are several dive sites around the island including Shark Island with its soft corals, Hin Wong Pinnacle, White Rock and Sail Rock, offering visibility of up to 35m. •N earby Koh Nang Yuan, comprising three small islands connected by a white sandbar, snorkelers will revel in the beautiful underwater coral displays. • A fternoon cocktails at Nangyuan Terrace where you’ll have wonderful views of Koh Nang Yuan soaking up the relaxed ambience.

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Suggest an island-style adventure on Thailand’s east coast to the beautiful, third-largest island of Koh Samui, located just 700km south of Bangkok and a short, one hour flight. Easing visitors in to the untroubled island way of life, Koh Samui is small enough to get around in a few hours on a scooter, but just large enough to keep travellers interested for days. Arguably the best way to explore this island is by scooter which can generally be rented at the resort at a cost of about 80 baht (R20) a day. Highlights: • A visit to Chaweng Beach (east coast): This is the main nightlife area on the island where visitors can enjoy a meal at a range of beach-front restaurants, including the Chaweng Regent, catch a lady-boy (transvestite) show and spend the evening shopping at the flea market. •W at Phra Yai (Big Buddha): Sitting 12m tall this golden Buddha statue is a magnificent landmark. • F isherman’s Village: a quaint waterfront-type area with a range of shops and eateries where visitors can spend the day relaxing in true Thai style. •N amuang Safari Park offering a range of activities such as elephant trekking, monkey shows and a snake show. Visitors can also see the 80m high Ta Nim Waterfall and Magic Garden nearby. •W at Khunaram houses the mummified remains of a Buddhist monk, Loung Por Ruam. • D inner at the Pavilion Samui Boutique Resort’s The Patio restaurant located on Lamai Beach offering authentic Thai and Italian dishes. The area has a vibrant nightlife. Spend the afternoon learning to cook traditional Thai dishes. • S tay at the beautiful Melati Beach Resort and Spa, on the north eastern edge of the island, offering luxury beachfront accommodation in private pool villas.

FOOD

Chocolate and orange cake

Naughty but Nice If you’re a fan of delicious desserts and cakes you may also be a follower of Gallic patissier, and BBC foodie hero, Eric Lanlard. Try this divine fruitcake recipe, it’s perfect for christenings, weddings and other special occasions.  www.idomagazine.co.za

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food For the decoration • 2-3Tbsp apricot jam, sieved • Mixed glace fruits (orange slices, apricot, cherries, etc) • Mixed nuts (walnuts, pecans, pistachios) • Gold leaf (optional)

Method

TABLE TALK Eric Lanlard, Master Patissier and twice winner of the prestigious Continental Pattisier of the Year at the British Baking Awards has earned himself an international reputation for superlative cakes with an impressive A-list clientele. You can watch Eric in action in Glamour Puds on DStv Premium, channel 180.

CAKE CHARMERS Why not ring the changes by placing small charms inside this festive cake: baby charms for a christening, silver bells for a wedding or even five rand coins for a special birthday. Just warn your guests before they take a bite!

Serves 8 Preparation time: 1 day soaking, plus 25 minutes Cooking time: 2-2½ hours

You will need

Home Bake is published by Penguin.

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• 200g golden raisins • 200g seedless sultanas • 100ml orange liqueur, plus extra for soaking • 200g unsalted butter, softened, plus extra for greasing • 100g soft dark brown sugar • 3 large eggs • 150g plain flour • 175g good quality dark chocolate (about 70% cocoa solids), broken into pieces • 1tsp ground mixed spice • ½tsp ground cinnamon • ½tsp freshly grated nutmeg • Juice of 1 lemon • 100g chopped mixed peel •50g whole glace cherries • 75g walnut halves • 75g whole hazelnuts, roasted

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1 Put the raisins and sultanas in a bowl and cover with half the orange liqueur. Cover the bowl and set aside for 24 hours. 2 When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 1500c. Grease a 20cm springform cake tin. 3 In a large bowl, whisk together the butter and sugar, using an electric hand whisk, until the mixture is light, pale and fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, continuing to whisk. If the mixture looks like it is going to split, add a small amount of the flour. 4 Put the chocolate pieces in a heatproof bowl that fits over a pan of gently simmering water (the base must not touch the water) and stir until it melts. Leave to cool slightly. 5 Add the cooled melted chocolate to the egg mixture. Sift in the flour, mixed spice, cinnamon and nutmeg, and fold in so that everything is well combined. Then add the lemon juice and remaining measured orange liqueur and mix together. Finally mix in the soaked raisins and sultanas, mixed peel, cherries, walnuts and hazelnuts. 6 Spoon the mix into the prepared tin. Level the surface and cover with a piece of baking paper. Bake for 2-2½ hours, depending on your oven. Test to see whether the cake is cooked by inserting a thin metal skewer into the centre: if it comes out clean, the cake is done. 7 Cool the cake in its tin on a wire rack, then remove from the tin, and peel off the lining paper. Feed the cake regularly with orange liqueur. I do this by carefully pouring straight from the bottle, but if you prefer, use a small ladle. Wrap the cake in clingfilm until ready to decorate. This cake is best eaten within three weeks. 8 To decorate, warm the apricot jam in a small pan and, using a pastry brush, glaze the top all over. Arrange the nuts and fruit on top and glaze these too. If you like, highlight with gold leaf for an extra special touch. 9 Enjoy

Drive this

BMW or Merc

– Just the two of us So it’s time for new wheels and you can’t decide. Perhaps the wind in your hair will clear your mind…

Mercedes SLK-Class Roadster

The Mercedes-Benz SLK-Class Roadsters have long captured the hearts of sports car enthusiasts. Following an extensive facelift incorporating around 650 newly developed components, the SLK models of 2008 are even more dynamic and now offer an even more emotionally charged driving experience. Key visual enhancements include new-look front and rear sections, as well as a meticulously modified interior with a new instrument cluster and three-spoke sports steering wheel. The new-generation SLK blazes a trail of new sporty highlights, bestowing yet greater appeal on this thriving two-seater with the trendsetting vario-roof that transforms the car from a roadster into a weatherproof coupé in a matter of seconds. To prevent accidents from happening in the first place, a high level of active safety is built-in for undiluted driving pleasure. Your SLK is, of course, equipped with ESP® and Brake Assist system (BAS) as standard. Meanwhile, the electronic BAS detects emergency braking from the speed with which you press the brake pedal, whereupon it instantly builds up maximum braking power.

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BMW 6 Series Convertible

Words such as “breathtaking”, “irresistible” and “flawless” pepper the history of BMW convertibles. And now the brand has added a new chapter to a tradition of open-top cars that stretches back decades. The new BMW 6 Series Convertible fulfils the wishes of discerning automotive aesthetes with its finely honed sense for sporty driving pleasure, groundbreaking luxury and sparkling looks. In the exclusive environs of the premium convertible market, the 2+2-seater makes a convincing case for itself with the most efficient engines, most advanced chassis technology and most innovative comfort, infotainment and safety features in its segment. A sweeping bonnet, set-back passenger compartment, long wheelbase and flat waistline embody the hallmark proportions of a BMW convertible. The new BMW 6 Series Convertible combines these features with a classic softtop roof in customary “fin” design. Powerfully contoured surfaces and the surging dynamism of its lines promise assured driving properties. The luxurious ambience of the interior is highlighted by the driver-oriented cockpit set-up and wraps the front passenger and rear passengers in a feeling of exclusive security. Nowhere is the high-class functionality of the interior underlined more prominently than in the redesigned freestanding Control Display of the standard-fitted iDrive control system. The new BMW 6 Series Convertible is available with two engine variants from launch. The eight-cylinder powerplant in the BMW 650i Convertible produces 300 kW/407 hp, while an exclusive variant of the six-cylinder in-line engine with BMW TwinPower Turbo, direct injection and VALVETRONIC –generating 235 kW/320 hp – has been developed for the BMW 640i Convertible. Both engines team up as standard with an eight-speed Sports automatic gearbox. Standard-fitted BMW EfficientDynamics features include the Auto Start-Stop function in the BMW 640i Convertible.

SOUL FOOD COMPLIED BY m a r t i n h i l l e r

on the big Screen

DATE NIGHT

You will meet a tall dark stranger

Stuck in a midlife crisis, Alfie (Anthony Hopkins) begins pursuing his lost youth with a call girl while his wife sees a fortuneteller who predicts “You will meet a tall dark stranger” and she becomes obsessed with finding him. It soon becomes clear that the harder everyone tries running away from their problems, the faster their lives seem to fall apart. Release date 31 December 2010

ACTION PACKED

The Tourist

Having fled to Europe to mend a broken heart Frank (Johnny Depp) thinks his meeting with the mysterious and beautiful Elise (Angelina Jolie) is pure chance, however he soon realizes that this is not the case and before he knows it, he is dodging bullets. As Frank and Elise find themselves in a deadly game of cat and mouse the romance between them grows more intense. Release date 7 January 2011

CHICK FLICK

Morning Glory

Stumbling into a job at Daybreak, TV producer, Becky Fuller (Rachel McAdams) decides to revitalize the show by hiring legendary TV anchor Mike Pomeroy (Harrison Ford). Unfortunately, Pomeroy clashes with his co-host, Colleen Peck (Diane Keaton). As Mike and Colleen come to blows, Becky has to find ways to save her relationship, her reputation, her job and ultimately, the show itself. Release date 11 February 2011

on the couch

Photo: www.simphiwedana.com

WHY DID I GET MARRIED TOO?

Four couples reunite for their annual vacation. Their intimate week in the Bahamas is disrupted by the arrival of an ex-husband determined to win back his recently remarried wife. Slapstick humour at its best.

SOFT POP

EDY COM a dram

Simphiwe Dana

Kulture Noir

DATE NIGHT

A case of mistaken identity turns a bored married couple’s attempt at a glamorous and romantic evening into something more thrilling and dangerous. Great cast, great laughs, great film.

Sounds like

EDY

COM

Kulture Noir, the third offering from Simphiwe Dana is by far her best work to date. There is smooth jazz, traditional African music, dreamlike soundscapes, and warm ethno-soul on one exceptionally rich album. A definite must-have album.

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SOUL FOOD READ ME

eat here

Our book editor browses through her shelves to bring you some of her favourite books of the moment. Enjoy!

GREAT FOOD

Orient Melrose Arch, JHB An ambience of surprise and discovery – mystery and interest. The taste of Asia and its culture. Communal eating, sitting together and sharing many different dishes as well as flavours and textures. It’s about spicy, savoury, sweet and sour. Cuisine: Asian Ambiance: Trendy Average main course: R100

GREAT VALUE

Noon Gun Signal Hill, CPT Experience the breathtaking views of Table Mountain and the Waterfront while enjoying delicious Cape Malay cuisine. Foods are spicy and aromatic, but not hot. If you prefer hot, please advise your waiter. Alcohol is not part of the Malay culture and is not permitted. Cuisine: Cape Malay Ambiance: Casual Average main course: R85

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THE FOR KIDS

GREAT READ

A Magical Day for Dreaming, written by the RFADF national fundraising manager Lara Rosmarin. Rosmarin wrote the book ‘as a tribute to children suffering from life-threatening illnesses, and whose lives have been changed through the Jabulani programme initiative’. Sandy Lightley created the gorgeous illustrations. This book would suit any child between age 3 and 9. The rhyming (if not always scanning) verse makes it fun for littlies to read and painless for baby-sitters. (Published by Penguin Books and the Reach For A Dream Foundation R75)

Gary Bailey’s divorce for dads is a guidebook for divorced or divorcing fathers. It was written specifically for the South African market and it emphasises the notion that children’s needs should be prioritised during a family separation. The book was conceptualised by soccer personality Gary Bailey after his own divorce and was coauthored by Nick Woodall. It is tailored for separated fathers, but is recommended reading for separated mothers as well. • To see what type of parent you are turn to page 23 (Published by Two Dogs R145)

If you have always wanted to invite Cockney-Gaul Eric Lanlard into your home to whip up a warm Belgian chocolate tart, then you’ll love Home Bake. It is filled with ‘cakes, muffins, tarts, cheesecakes, brownies and puddings’ to diet for. Y

YUMM

(Published by Penguin Books R266)

• Don’t miss his Cake recipe on page 41.

YOUr STARS Staying aligned with Tina Zangara

SAGITTARIUS

23 November - 22 December You want to change the world, Sagittarius but why not start closer to home – with those who need you? One life bettered will fulfil your destiny.

ARIES

23 MARCH - 22 APRIL Aries can be at their most busy and bossy at this time of the year. Take a break my friend and allow others to do all the shopping, schlepping and organising.

LEO

23 JULY - 22 AUGUST It’s time to shine, brave Leo! Share your thoughts with others; they are ready to be inspired. Just be wary of overshadowing your family and close friends.

CAPRICORN

23 december - 22 january Capricorn, your need for constant recognition clouds your judgement. Think things through further and don’t make decisions or sign papers until you are certain.

TAURUS

23 APRIL - 22 MAY Are you already panicking about how you’ve overspent this year, determined Taurus? Perhaps you could make some time to plan more wisely for next year.

VIRGO

23 AUGUST - 22 SEPTEMBER Your heart is trying to tell you something, Virgo. Why are you so reluctant to listen? Don’t be afraid; your heart is your wisdom, your guide. All will be well.

AQUARIUS

23 JANUARY - 22 FEBRUARY What a beautiful spirit you have, Aquarius! Glowing like a lamp under a bushel. Share your wisdom when one close to you seeks your advice.

GEMINI

23 MAY - 22 JUNE What plans do you have now, Gemini? Your stars suggest you are on the right path, just discuss this with loved ones before committing to any major change.

LIBRA

23 SEPTEMBER - 22 OCTOBER Had enough of the year, have you dear Libra? You need a break, so try to avoid complicated arrangements and exhausting events.

PISCES

23 FEBRUARY - 22 MARCH Ah, my Pisces, you are not as alone as you might sometimes feel. Never be afraid to let people in. Now is the time to open your heart just that little bit more.

CANCER

23 JUNE - 22 JULY My dear Cancer, take a break from your busy world and cosy up with your loved one in a quiet place. This is not a selfish idea but an real need, so just do it.

SCORPIO

23 OCTOBER - 22 NOVEMBER Have you planned a holiday near the sea or a river my Scorpio friend? If not, make sure you spend some time in the water to restore your balance.

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defining moments

traditional wisdom Vho-Matamela, a 65-year-old Venda woman who still lives in her birthplace, Tshifulanani, tells Audrey Ramaboe of her courtship and arranged marriage.

My husband and I lived in separate

villages but our fathers were friends and had long agreed that we would join the two families as per tradition. When our fathers decided that we were ready and fit to be married his father would send him to my house to deliver or fetch this and the other – and my mother and grandmother would conveniently be busy with other things and I would have to attend to him. Our courtship was fun; he was tall and so handsome; each time he smiled I felt weak in the knees. After about three months his family sent a delegation consisting of Vho-Makhadzi, the older sister of the father of the groom, two of his uncles, and a male family friend. Traditionally, Venda women

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don’t have the same inferior status as in many other African ethnic groups. The elder sister of a household knows the intimate secrets of every member of the family and her rights over her brothers’ children are even greater than those of the children’s own mothers. Many rituals can’t be performed unless the elder sister is present. The first day they arrived there was a small symbolic ceremony where they formally requested permission to enter our courtyard and my family formally welcomed them. This involved them offering my family gifts and money, etc. My family delegation consisted of my father, aunt, two uncles, my grandmother – one of my uncle’s wives (in Tshivenda we call uncle’s wife ‘grandmother’). I was briefly called into the room to formally confirm knowing my husband and his people’s intentions; though he wasn’t there. Then I was asked to leave the room to return to my mother’s hut. The negotiation began and my ‘grandmother’ was the scribe and messenger who noted and reported on all developments. After a long time, parties finally agreed on the number of cattle for the bride price. A month later they were back for the wedding with all required gifts – less one cow, as in our tradition we believe that lobola is never paid up in full; the symbolism is that the woman may be married but they don’t own her and the

in-laws must treat her well. A bull and cow, three sheep, and 16 chickens were slaughtered.

Women to woman

With all this happening, I was sitting with my mother, aunt, grandmothers and my close friend. Some elderly women friends also came to share their marriage wisdom. I must say I enjoyed this process very much. Then my husband entered our courtyard for the first time since the first delegation for the formal wedding ceremony. There my family handed me over to him. He had also had his sessions of being counselled by family and community elders. The next day a similar ceremony was done in his village. There was a receiving ceremony for me where I was given other traditional attire to wear and another name. After all the festivities my family members left and I remained at his household. My in-laws are wonderful people; like in any family there are problems, but divorce never existed. When my husband and I had a disagreement, I would speak to my mother-in-law and she would give him a scolding. When you are married you must not complain to your own family and friends as they do not forgive nor forget. Even when you have forgiven they will still be asking you if he has started misbehaving again.

corporate social investment

help give them HOPE With one out of four marriages ENDING IN DIVORCE it is not surprising that there are more and more individuals suffering from DEPRESSION or complete lack of faith in marriage. The LOSS of a SPOUSE or PARENT through DIVORCE or DEATH has a huge impact on the FAMILY UNIT. It is time to TAKE A STAND and help these families. YOU CAN BE THE CHANGE. i do magazine established the non-profit company, FISOKUHLE FOUNDATION OF HOPE, which aims to collaborate with corporate and Government organisations to help prevent the tragic consequences of dysfunctional marriages.

You really aren’t alone anymore.

For more information log onto www.idomagazine.co.za

fisokuhle foundation of

stopdivorce stop a FISOKUHLE FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN

hope be the change ISSUE ONE • 49

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Registration number: 2010/012127/08

DIRECTORY to advertise in the i do directory email sales@idomagazine.co.za

The Bridge

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Our qualified and experienced trainers will teach you, your staff, or youngsters about to enter the work environment: • Essential written and verbal communication skills • How to write a CV and prepare for an interview • Workplace relationship know-how • Cellphone and telephone basics • Vital email skills • Office etiquette For more information kindly contact Shelagh Foster (Associate Trinity College London – Teachers) on shelagh@cybersmart.co.za or 082 787 6709.

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BRIDE

GROOM

Does your suit suit

you?

Simple We feature a but reader’s wedding Striking

The wedding Planner

What grooms need to know www.idomagazine.co.za

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Florence Mazibuko and Fraser Mgwaba, employees of an international hotel chain in the United Kingdom, came home to tie the knot in Cape Town How they met

This happy couple were actually high school friends and met up again by sheer chance (or was it?) at the hotel in which Florence was catering manager and Fraser head of security. ‘We knew the moment we saw each other that this was something special – and we were right,’ says Florence.

The proposal

‘It wasn’t romantic at all,’ says Fraser. We were sitting in the staff lounge drinking coffee and chatting about our day when Florence suddenly looked up at me and smiled, and the next words out of my mouth were: ‘Marry me. Please marry me.’ Thank goodness she said yes.

The big day

‘My mom and sister arranged the whole wedding. I wasn’t even there for the planning,’ says Florence. ‘I thought it would be stressful not being part of it, but we Skyped each other a lot and my sister emailed endless pictures, sketches and lists. They did such a wonderful job and Fraser and I are so happy with the way it turned out. I just had to share it with i do! 52

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wedding album

Simple str iking

I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, A church filled with family and friends. I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for, He said one that would make me his wife. - Author Unknown 1 D on’t you love our shoes? Fraser gave me that sexy little ankle chain. 2 The cake was so gorgeous I didn’t want to cut it. Exactly what I’ve always wanted. 3 My best friends Lily and Jenna, me and my gorgeous sister, Jackie 4 Aren’t the table settings fab? Those chair bows are so simple yet elegant. 5 We’re both terrible dancers but Fraser must have practised because he didn’t step on my feet once.

5 www.idomagazine.co.za

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the For wedding THE GROOMplanner Most grooms I have worked with

worry more about their brides’ happiness on the day of the wedding. They are more concerned about everything going glitch free; some worry about their guests because they want everybody to be comfortable and to enjoy the day or weekend. No groom feels left out at all, in fact they enjoy being left out most of the time and don’t want to be dealing with wedding details like flowers, colours and serviettes. Most grooms are happy to be informed about the progress, that’s all. They let the bride run the show. They just want a happy and stunning bride. We just tell them how much is needed to pay each vendor and make sure they arrive at the wedding looking clean, neat, fresh – and sober. That’s how we like them!

responsibilities

here comes the

groom Wedding planner extraordinaire Augustine Masilela Chuene chatted to i do about men and weddings. Just what is a guy supposed to do for The Big Day? 54

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1. The bar: drinks must flow and no groom wants to run dry on his big day. It can be embarrassing for your guests to go shopping for extra drinks to beef up bar stock, that is a crime grooms don’t want to commit. Ever. 2. The rings. Don’t forget them. 3. Your suit and those of your groomsmen – and just making sure all of them have showered and look decent. 4. The honeymoon is another of your responsibilities. Make sure you and your bride go on that honeymoon. It’s a great way to kick start the marriage and living together 24/7. 5. Give your partner all the support, the finance and love she needs (and you can afford) while planning your big day. 6. Arrive at the wedding sober even if you had a stag party the previous night. (In fact, rather plan the stag nights for a couple of days before).

• Don’t miss our wedding planner’s tips for drawing up your wedding blueprint – in our launch issue.

for the bride

your wedding dress

Most of the brides we talked to told

us that their wedding dress is one of the first things they look for when they become engaged. More time and thought is put into choosing your dress than anything else! Except, of course, your choice of husband. Here are some help tips to ensure that you get your prefect dress: • T here are some amazing websites on the internet which can help you to sort through the styles and begin to decide which ones will suit you best. • T his is not the time to go with a fad. You will have pictures of this particular dress that people will be seeing years from now so timeless elegance is the key! • I f white is just not your colour (not everyone looks wonderful in white), don’t be afraid to choose the amazing tinted dresses that are available today. When the white is toned down with a

soft whisper of another colour it can enhance your beauty without washing you out. • Go to the largest bridal store in your area before you make your mind up on a style. Make sure you have a lot of time and then try everything on! It’s amazing how the dress you just didn’t think of is often the one that looks best on you. Every time you find a dress that might possibly be “the one” take a photo of it. Once you are done, leave – this is the hard part as you’ll be tempted to snatch up the dress that day but this is one of the most important purchases you’ll ever make and should not be a spur of the moment one. • Once you know the basic style that suits you, you can search the internet and wedding shows to compare prices, fabrics and subtle design changes that may look even better.

Avianto was born from the dream of giving every bride the glorious wedding she is entitled to… A day of romance and celebration in the most breathtaking, welcoming surroundings imaginable. Driefontein Road, Muldersdrift, Johannesburg, Gauteng Phone: +27 (0) 11 668-3000 • Fax: +27 (0) 11 668-3060• E-mail: info@avianto.co.za

for the groom

tips for guys:

comfort and style Remember that an uncomfortable groom in a bad-

fitting ensemble never makes for fond memories, and neither is he a good recipe for lovely wedding pictures. A groom’s suit is meant to impress and not to make you look like a busker in a circus. Given the new cuts, new designers, and new looks, grooms have the opportunity to look elegant and exclusive on their big day. Below are some tips and hints for creating magical look that will be remembered for days to come.

Make sure it fits

Peruse wedding magazines, and the one thing you’re sure to find is the near monopoly of bridal dresses; they’re usually the central focus of most magazines, but do not let that distract you from focusing on your appearance. Here we’ll direct our attention to the groom and find ways to keep him well groomed and ready for the big day. 56

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Match your physique

Modern men prefer a classic look to the frills. That said; remember that you have an abundance of options and chances to express yourself in your favourite suit. Based on the degree of formality and the time of the wedding, numerous options are available. For a formal wedding happening during the day then a standard tuxedo or dinner suit can be left out. For more wedding day advice for men, please turn to page 54.

written by Ja c k i e Lo f t i s

Nobody wants to be remembered as the groom who split his pants while doing the Funky Chicken. Prevent the occurrence of this embarrassing situation by trying things out a week prior to the wedding day to ensure that everything fits just as it’s supposed to. (Try your moves in front of the mirror…) Make sure that your suit jacket fits well and can afford you enough flexibility when buttoned and unbuttoned. At your wedding you’ll be hugging people, dancing and shaking hands, so ensure your clothing doesn’t restrict you from doing these activities. You should be able to slip your finger in-between your shirt collar and neck and not more than that. Your cuffs shouldn’t ride up when your arms are stretched. If wearing a button-cuff shirt, cuffs ought to break precisely at your wrist; for a French-cuff shirt, your cuffs ought to break about half inch more. Your vest or waistcoat should button comfortably and hit just below the waistband of your pants. If you are wearing a vest to a summer wedding, make sure it has a full back, so that you are still looking good when the jackets inevitably come off.