Massive Magazine Albany Issue 04 2018 by Massive Magazine

Est. 2012

Albany | Apr/May 2018 | 04

One small step for you, one giant step for the polar bears

The kiwi woman who has 1.6 million Instagram followers â&#x20AC;˘ Exciting new changes to Wellington Health Centre Lit Fam or Shit Scam - The Backbencher â&#x20AC;˘ Unpopular Opinion: Riverdale the Musical

Cover Image: Luca Rosseels

Editorial Editorial Hey Massive readers,

Hi guys, I hope everyone is well. We have just two issues left of the magazine before I hope everyone is settling into university life ahead the mid-year break! Where does time go. of the first mid-semester break for the year. This In week continue to tackle the issues students aresocial facingmedia here at thiswe edition, Massive’s Tesome Paeaof Hoori interviews a kiwi Massey. If you are a student on the Manawatu or Albany campuses, you mayyou be influencer who has almost two million followers on Instagram, which aware of some of the changes being proposed to College of Science. can look at on page 12. Massive’s designer Aria Tongs also tries her hand at Massey University’s of Science’s ‘Strategic Positioning Document’ which writing, with aCollege humourous review of the latest musical episode of Riverdale. contains proposed structural changes to the college, which would come into effect Make sure to check it out over on page 26. by 2020. TheseLike include degree Albanyabout whatcutting you seethe inBachelor the pagesofofEngineering Massive? Have youfrom everthe thought campus. contributing? We are always looking for new contributors who would like The school hasstories, also proposed changes to some Bachelor of have Science to submit features and opinion pieces. If you an majors, idea for a suchstory, as combining Earth Science and Geography majors and packing make sure to get in touch! Writing not your thing? That’s Genetics, OK! We Microbiology and Biochemistry majors one. and illustrators. So, if that is are also always on the lookout forinto designers Forums were heldyou at are bothinterested campusesinearlier andthe students have been something headthis overmonth and join Massive Magazine encouraged to give their feedback. Make sure if these are changes that are going Illustrators Facebook page, or send an email our way. to affect you, you get in touch with your students’ association and pass on your thoughts. We are taking a small break now, our next issue will be on stands on Nikki Monday, April 16. Nikki

E V I S S A M

Features 11 12 18 21 26 28 31

Changes to Health Service The kiwi model with 1.6m followers Artist Feature: Stephanie Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Kane One step for you, a giant leap for the polar bears Unpopular Opinion: Riverdale the Musical To speak or not to speak, that is the question Public Transport: A-OK?

Column

Humour 29 36 42

Breaking News Good cop, Bad cop Asstrology

09 10 35 30 38 41 43

Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

Albany Reporter: Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars 06 44 45

Contributors: Emma Rzpecky Todd Murray Kallum Murray Leilani Baker Kasharn Rao Felix Desmarais Natasha Tziakis Lydia Hill Zoe Jennings Melissa Ng

Local News Puzzles Hot or Not

Renae Williams Tessa Guest Bella Cole Te Paea Hoori Cassie Hancock Peri Miller Tim Kendrew

FEATURE

CLUBS & SOCIETIES

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Bike could steer student toward independence Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Bethany riding the Berkel Bike that will help her to get around independently. Bethany Wilson says it was almost by accident that she came across a bike that could help her walk again. Now, six weeks after hearing about it and two-and-a-half weeks after setting up a Givealittle page to raise money for the bike, the 20-year-old is over halfway to her target of $11,380. Wilson has Friedreich’s ataxia, a degenerative condition that means moving around gets more difficult as time goes by. She is in her third year of a Bachelor of Science at Massey Manawatū, majoring in maths with an economics minor. She aims to be a maths teacher in the future. “I walk a lot less than I used to, walking isn’t giving me enough exercise,” says Wilson, who needs the help of a support person to get around campus. The special bike – a BerkelBike - has hand pedals as well as foot pedals, meaning that it gives all the limbs a workout. Wilson got the chance to test the bike out for a free trial six weeks ago, and after feeling the benefits, decided to have a go at raising the money to buy her own. “I use my arms and legs to move [the bike], so it’ll keep my body moving for longer,” she says. “I’d never heard of someone using a bike like this before,” says

Wilson. “I’d seen some people using hand bikes but not ones with legs as well.” The bike will need to be shipped over from Germany and with more than $7000 raised so far through her Givealittle page, Wilson is well on her way. “It’ll give me more independence, I can get on and off myself, so I can get up and go whenever I want. “It’ won’t be easy to start with. It’s good though, I’ve been up the Massey hill several times. This campus is generally pretty good, I can get to all my classes fairly easily.” Maintenance costs would be similar to that of a regular bike, with tyre changes and other maintenance able to be done at a regular bike shop. “I’ve had lots of support from friends and other students interested in spreading the word,” said Wilson. “The Givealittle page has only been up for two-and-a-half weeks, it’s been really amazing, I thought it’d take ages to raise that much money. But the sooner I raise the amount, the sooner I can start.” If you want to donate, head to the Bike for Bethany Givealittle page. 5

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Postgrad allowance still hanging in the balance Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Johnathan Gee, NZUSA National President. Students across the country are having second thoughts about postgraduate study due to a lack of financial support available to them. In last year’s general election, the Labour party promised to reintroduce a student allowance for postgraduate study after they were scrapped by the previous Government in 2013. Several months later, some students are questioning whether they will make good on this promise, as the decision to undertake postgraduate study often depends on finances. The government typically releases its budget at the end of May, and it’s not yet been indicated whether an allowance for postgrad students will be included. The New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) has since put together an open letter addressed to the Education Minister Chris Hipkins. The association have also launched a petition and are just shy of the 2000 signatures needed. Jess Davies wants to do postgrad psychology but is unsure if she’ll be able to afford it. “Those furthering their education are the ones who bring even more skills to New Zealand workplaces, especially psy-

chology, healthcare, and education, and because they’ve already spent a miniature fortune on study they aren’t going to be rolling in cash.” Mature student Carla Beaven says for years she was working full time and raising three children while working towards a Bachelor of Arts degree. “I’ve been offered a scholarship toward postgrad,” she says. “However, I have no partner, so no backup income, and I’ve used up my savings to get through my degree with no student loan. “Literally the main barrier to postgrad is that I’m not eligible for student allowance anymore. I’ve had no choice but to re-enter the workforce instead.” President of the NZUSA Jonathan Gee says the current Government says it’s committed to issues such as addressing the mental health crisis, uplifting the teaching profession and tackling climate change. “In order for this work to succeed, we urgently need to be supporting our people to gain skills in these areas. “A postgraduate student allowance is an easy first step towards making this a reality.”

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From New Zealand to Hollywood

Radio waves to hit the Albany campus soon

Jamie-Lee Bracken wellingtonreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

One of Massey Wellington’s own is trading in his notepad and pencils for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Zakea Page, a Massey Wellington art student, has been selected for the New Zealand National Performing Arts team. The team will compete at the Performing Arts World Championships in Hollywood in early July. The championship will include talent from over 50 countries competing in a variety of events, from modeling, acting, singing and dancing. Performers will be judged by over one hundred members of the entertainment industry, from agents and managers to casting directors and music industry representatives. As part of his unique performance, Page uses a hockey stick and a ball soaked in Chinese ink to create art. His decision to combine dance, art and music was inspired by his time living in China. “I had the honour of witnessing Usain Bolt and Roger Federer in action which led me to believe the cross over between art and sport is more of a blur,” says Page. He says he started doing live painting performances to share parts of the creation process that he found most exciting with an audience. “I realised that children and adults alike were engaged during the performances which led me to believe that there was something there to be explored,” he says. Page says he discovered the competition when searching for more opportunites to get his work noticed. After realising he was already two months late in applying to be part of the competition, Page contacted organisers on a whim. Not long later he was told he made the New Zealand team. “It was a very special moment when I received that call. “I understand it’s such an honor and a huge privilege to rep-¯ resent New Zealand, it’s been a childhood dream,” says Page. Practices are now in full swing for Page and he’s meeting different dance instructors and artists to try get as much feedback as possible before the big week.

Students will soon be able to tune into a radio station featuring fresh content from Massey Albany students and ¯ being broadcast right in the heart of the campus. The Albany Students’ Association (ASA) is currently working to finalise contract details to bring the Albany Campus its very own student radio station. This will be similar to Massey Manawatū’s well-established radio station; Radio Control and the Palmerston North station has been involved with the planning phase of the station on the Albany campus. ASA President Jason Woodroofe says it is a project that past executives have put a lot of effort into. “We are lucky enough to be the ones who get to see it come to its fruition,” he says. The headquarters for Albany’s new station will be located in the media corner of the student centre. Planning for the station’s content is still in the early stages and Woodroofe says ASA are looking for keen students to jump on board. “Ultimately the station will be what students are willing to make of it,” he says. “We would really like to hear from students who are keen get involved.” He says there will be a high percentage of kiwi music being played on the station, with an opportunity for Massey students creating their own music or podcasts to gain exposure through the medium. Campus Culture Coordinator on the Albany campus, Zac Fraser-Baxter says he is excited to see months of planning come to fruition. “We are hoping lots of students will get involved with the new station. We will be streaming campus specific content, made by students for students. “It will also give students a great way to learn some new skills.” Communications student Charlie England says he is looking forward to listening to content made by fellow students. “I love listening to alternative New Zealand music, stuff that you can’t really find on commercial radio. “I think student podcasts could be really interesting as well,” England says. It is hoped the station will be up and running by the end of the semester If students would like to be involved with the radio station they should get in contact with Zac Fraser-Baxter at campusculture@asa.ac.nz 7

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Students can eat their greens without breaking the bank Tessa Guest A fruit and vegetable co-operative has officially launched at Massey Wellington, where students and staff can order a weekly bag of produce for $12. It began with a trial run in semester two of last year, joining up with the pre-existing Eastern Suburbs co-op, which distributes produce in Miramar, Berhampore, Strathmore, and surrounding areas. The idea gained enough of a following at Massey to begin running from its own base, Kāinga Rua, a Massey University Hall of Residence near the campus. Anna Lees, the university’s Student Experience Officer who oversees the co-op, says since moving to the new spot at the beginning of this semester, operations have run much more smoothly. Lees says with the centre being close to campus, there are no longer issues of transporting the produce, or limiting orders to the amount of space available in the car. According to Lees, the team uses the space to pack the produce into bags so it’s ready to be picked up, and because it’s so close, students can staff can easily pop over and volunteer some time to help complete the task. The co-op gets fruit and veggies to people in a cheap and convenient way, and despite slightly varying contents in the bag each week, it has enough to feed two people. After comparing the prices of the co-op and New World, Lees

found that on one particular week, the same products would’ve cost $21.04 at the supermarket. Even with the many benefits of the co-op, its team is also facing some challenges, and Lees says of the 150 students who registered their interest, only about 50 are regularly ordering. There are currently enough volunteers for this amount of orders, but if order numbers grow as expected, more volunteers will be required. Lees says by signing up, buyers become part of a co-operative, and this coupled with the organisation being run by volunteers, is why prices are so low. “We need to try and tap into the idea that this co-op isn’t really something that works if people view it as, ‘I am buying from a shop’”. However, Lees says if the organisation does grow over time in numbers, it may be able to spread further than just the staff and students of Massey. With a nearby preschool, high school, night shelter, and soon-to-be-occupied council flats, interest may build, a prospect very exciting to Lees. “Looking to the future, [the co-op] gives Massey a really cool opportunity to be leaders in the community”. If you are interested in joining the Massey Fruit and Veg Co-op, check out their Facebook page.

Q. How do you survive the cold in your flat?

Charley

Clark

Nicki

“I’m from England so I know all about the cold. A beanie, woolly socks, UGG boots and a cosy scarf. If it’s really cold, normal socks with woolly ones over top!”

“Jackets! You can’t go past a good winter jacket, it’s worth its weight in gold. Invest in a quality jacket and it will last you a decade.”

Leggings under jeans, singlets under tops. Regular hot tea and coffee top ups. Last but certainly not least, turtlenecks!”

COLUMN

Normally second-hand embarrassment isn’t a problem for me but after watching David Seymour’s performance in a promo clip for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars NZ, in which he is a contestant, it is now my biggest issue. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to forget his blank eyes staring at me as he mouths “danceoff” slightly out of time. As much fun as it would be to roast Seymour for the entirety of this column it sadly isn’t the point, his perceived irresponsibility is. Seymour is the MP for Epsom, a position he has held since September 2014. He is also the Leader and only member of the ACT Party. So cool, right? Like who cares that a politician is on Dancing with the Stars? Could it be Seymour understands he has become slightly irrelevant, ¯ cut from a coalition with National especially being last year? Maybe he is looking for a way to get back ¯ eye? I’m not sure if dancing in into the public sequins was¯his specific plan, but heck, it’s getting us to talk about him. Essentially, many of us will now see him as a reality television star, instead of a ¯ Member of Parliament. This means accountability changes and the standards he is held to are going to be different. Seymour’s Twitter account has been a flurry of activity since he was announced as a contestant on the hotly anticipated Dancing with the Stars series. Replying to a couple of run of the mill keyboard

warriors, Seymour unapologetically told them, “You wouldn’t survive the first practise of DWTS, and I’m going to raise more for charity in a few weeks than a miserable loser like you will give in your life.” Now, he’s probably not wrong. A lot of us will never donate thousands of dollars to charity in our lifetime, let alone compete in a dancing competition for charity. But, that doesn’t excuse his language or attitude. If Seymour is spending time attacking online commentators, polishing off his shoes for a busy schedule of dance training and filming, what time will¯ he have left to be the voice for the people of Epsom or be an effective member of parliament? Seymour isn’t a¯huge player in government, but he is there and participating on Dancing with the Stars will give huge possibility to the emergence of conflicting interests. Seymour isn’t the only politician to compete in Dancing with the Stars, Marama Fox is also on this show. The major difference being Fox is an expolitician. Fox is now developing a company to build affordable housing for New Zealanders. She may still have loyalties and social influence, but she now has nothing to do with how our country is run, Seymour still does. Watching Seymour dance on television will be fun for all of us, but we have to acknowledge he has an official position in our government – his main job is being a politician - not a slightly disappointing tango dancer covered in glitter and sequins.

COLUMN

ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a causal brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey. For sports fans, an interview with Beaver after he saved the day at the 2011 Rugby World Cup or a Q and A Katrina Grant after the Silver Ferns’ upset at the recent Commonwealth Games, can be as exciting as the match itself. As consumers, we rely on these halftime and post-match interviews for raw emotion. They’re also fundamental in sports journalism. In saying this, don’t players deserve to compose themselves before being bombarded by reporters? At this month’s Commonwealth Games, flagbearer Sophie Pascoe won gold in the SM 200 individual medley. Immediately after her race a microphone and camera were shoved in her face for an interview. Afterwards, the Paralympian was so exhausted and dehydrated she collapsed. “How are you feeling?” the reporter asked. “Buggered!” she slurred. But her slurring and dazed gaze weren’t enough for the reporter to conclude the interview.

Pascoe finished the interview and promptly turned to her coach asking for water. She stumbled off and collapsed into the arms of assisting staff. This is a more extreme example of how post-match interviews can be. However, exhausted athletes are often seen on our tellies as they battle through their questions. Cricketers have the added pressure of in-match interviews. Boundary fielders are occasionally mic’d-up so commentators can question them during play. Black Cap and Northern Nights bowler Anton Devcich is no stranger to these interviews. He tells On The Line what it’s like being interviewed midgame. “When you get interviewed during a game you speak with emotion and forget all the things you should and should not say. This has been to my detriment at times,” Devcich says. “During the game they [interviews] can be distracting, especially if you are in a position which requires a lot of

Pass or play: Roller derby- think 2009’s film Whip it - bad-ass men and women zoom around a track on roller skates. It’s a fast-paced, full-contact, five-aside sport predominantly played by Women. Each team selects a “Jammer” who is identified by the star on their helmet. A ‘Jammer’ gains points by lapping members of the opposing team. The remainder of the team attempt to hinder the opposing ‘Jammer’ while assisting their own. New Zealand have a national Roller Derby team called Aotearoa Roller Derby who placed 10th in this year’s World Champs held in Manchester in February. There are over 25-roller derby clubs across New Zealand. However, there is no official roller derby organisation so joining a local club requires some googling.

movement, for example you’re trying to respond to the question, keep an eye on captain, watch the batter or bowler and then execute your skills on top of all those distractions.” Massey lecturer and journalist James Hollings also has experience with the assertive nature of reporters. “Reporters are just doing their jobs and these days it’s their jobs to be as up to date as possible, as digital media has made everything instantaneous,” he says. However, he does agree reporters need to exercise some restraint. “If an athlete is clearly busy or unwell, it’s not only wrong but makes the journalist look bad too. There’s not much lost by waiting a few moments; in fact, it probably adds to the drama of the occasion.” So, whether you’re a journalism major, a budding reporter, or a citizen journalist, I beg you. Give our athletes a moment to grab a drink, warm-down, or take a second before pounding them with your questions. More info below: Wellington: http://www.richtercity. co.nz/ Auckland: http://aucklandrollerderby. com/get-involved/ Palmerston North: https://www. sportmanawatu.org.nz/find-yoursport-2/roller-derby/ Ponder that: Baseballs were originally made from the foreskin of horses!

feature

Wellington health centre's exciting new partnership Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas

Students will find it easier to visit a nurse or doctor on Massey’s Wellington campus thanks to an exciting new partnership with a local practice. Massey University in Wellington is now running its student health service as a satellite of Newtown Union Health Centre. As part of the partnership, Newtown Union is providing a GP and a nurse who will work out of the health and counselling space on Massey’s Wellington campus. It is the first of its kind in the country. Associate Director for Student Services, Amy Heise, says the university has struggled to find staff for its clinic, which is on the smaller scale with just 1800 patients. “It’s a really hard market in Wellington,” she says. “We have a limited scope of practice [staff] encounter if they come and work with us. “We wondered if there was different way of doing it and we thought there must be other options out there.” Heise says the university spoke to several practices nearby to the Wellington campus before coming to an agreement with Newtown Union. Because staff will work from both Newtown Union and the satellite clinic at the Massey campus, they will retain a broader set of skills, Heise says. She says the new partnership will allow students access to more services. There will now be longer opening hours and maternity services and minor

surgeries will also be on offer to students, Students will still be charged $10 to see a doctor or $5 to see a nurse, with the subsidy still being paid through student levy funding. Heise says no staff will lose their jobs, and Massey University will continue to employ counsellors, who meet with students for free as part of an initiative that was introduced this year. Massey at Wellington Students’ Association President Emma Pearce says she thinks the partnership will be of great benefit to students. “It now means that students have more than one place to see a health professional and that there are more services now available to them. “I believe the changes will positively impact students - with more services it means that students can now make sure that they can find a doctor that suits their needs as opposed to having to settle for whoever they can get an appointment with at the time,” she says. Pearce says she is also hoping wait times will decrease. “I believe Massey is making decisions based on the wants and needs of students and it's great being able to see Massey taking initiative to make changes to positive impact student's health and wellbeing.”

FEATURE

When I met this Whanganui-raised, pancake obsessed, self-described “weirdo”, Sarah Harris had recently put university on indefinite hiatus and banked on a shot at making it in the merciless world of modelling. At this point in time, her social media following was fairly small—relatively speaking—around 20K. She was on the precipice of becoming a Top Six finalist for Maxim’s 2014 Australia Swimsuit Model of the Year Competition. This

The kiwi woman who has 1.6 million Instagram followers Writer: Te Paea Hoori

massive

When I met this Whanganui-raised, pancake-obsessed, self-described “weirdo”, Sarah Harris had recently put university on indefinite hiatus and banked on a shot at making it in the merciless world of modelling. At this point in time, her social media following was fairly small—relatively speaking—around 20,000. She was on the precipice of becoming a top six finalist for Maxim’s 2014 Australia Swimsuit Model of the Year Competition. This was followed shortly thereafter by a period working as a Playboy ‘Bunny’, a role that took her everywhere from Mexico to India. Nowadays — with a mere 1.6 million Instagram followers — Sarah and her partner Josh live in Auckland’s North Shore. Having hung up her bunny ears and shifted her career goals away from modelling contracts, Sarah now chooses to focus on self-created content and their new business start-ups. Facilitated by some sketchy bandwidth on my part (and a thinly veiled excuse to tick ‘FaceTime Sarah’ and ‘write article for Massive’ off simultaneously) I asked Sarah to share some insight—what’s life really like as an Instagram influencer?

Hey girl, what have you been up to? Lately I’ve been working on our latest business venture Sachii Watches. We’re just in the last phase of that now—just trying to work on the packaging and work with influencers. Ironically, that’s been the hardest part. We’re preparing for a $10,000 giveaway and you would think it would be easy to get influencers involved but I’m starting to see what companies have to go through! Your following has grown tremendously since I met you. When did you begin to start taking Instagram seriously? I started taking it seriously probably a year-and-a-half ago now. I started doing collaborations, but I didn’t start taking the whole ‘monetising’ side of things seriously until then. Then aesthetically, I didn’t start properly editing and trying to make the whole grid my own photos until about four months ago now. How did you go about turning your Instagram profile into a business? I started turning it into a business with standard Instagram stuff like tea. Tea was my first [sponsered product] and now looking back it’s so cringe! It got to the point where I was sick of promoting other people’s products. I wanted to create something that we can market for both men and women and that we can take with us while we are travelling. I 13

FEATURE

"One of the best things about the job though is when I get to meet people in person and prove them wrong." M

MASSIVE

also got sick of complaining about not liking the size of a watch or not liking the material and that’s how we got the idea for Sachii Watches. Where’s the coolest place being an influencer has taken you? Probably the Maldives, or the Courchevel Ski Resort, in the French Alps. It was unreal! It took us so long to get there, about 32 hours and I was only there for two days. It was exhausting but it was awesome — plus I met other influencers and all these other things have come from it since. Do you feel like your social platforms are an accurate depiction of who you are? No matter what anyone says, Instagram is still a platform where you’re only seeing the best parts of peoples' lives. People don’t really want to see that your cat died, or you had an argument with your boyfriend. That’s where I feel like [Instagram] stories are really good. I think they’re a really good representation of who I am, because we put a lot more of our day to day lives. I think the hardest part of ‘making it’ on Instagram is that not only do you start comparing yourself to other Instagrammers and influencers, but you start comparing yourself to the ‘lightroomed’, pretty, edited version of yourself as well. It’s not real life. What’s something that people would be surprised to know about you? Probably that I got a [fully funded university] scholarship. I feel like people will look at me—especially on social media—no matter what I write or how I portray myself, and they’re always going to make that judgement. One of the best things about the job though is when I get to meet people in person and prove them wrong.

If you hadn’t followed this career path, what do you think you would be doing right now? To be honest, I think I would still be at uni trying to figure out what I wanted to do. Just because I got the scholarship for one degree, doesn’t exactly mean I was passionate about it. I went straight from school into uni and I wasn’t too sure what I wanted to do. Either that or I would still be modelling full time — and you saw the effect it was having on my body and how much weight I was having to lose! It wasn’t worth it. It’s so cool now being able to actually monetise on my social media, create my own content, enjoy it, and do it with my loved ones. Was it hard making the decision to leave university? Were there people in your life who were worried? Initially it was hard. My mum (who’s like my biggest fan) sort of lay down the law for me. She basically said you have one year, if you can’t make enough to live on through modelling then you have to go back to uni. She’s happy now that we’ve taken this route. A lot of our parents’ generation are so used to nine to five jobs, they don’t always realise how much time goes into vlogging and social media and creating your content and talking to brands. The anonymity of social media can cause people to say all sorts of dreadful things and I know you’ve received your fair share of hate. Do you have any advice for blocking out the negativity? My best advice for that is just not to feed into the negative or the positive — which is easier said than done! At the start I found that so hard. You’re putting yourself out there and there’s all these negative comments that would get you down if they’re things you already felt

about yourself. At the start I tried to focus just on the positive comments but when you’re letting any comments get to you, it affects you. You’ve just got to do your best to block it all out. Both you and your partner work as influencers, how do you feel sharing so much of both of your lives affects your relationship? I feel like it can go one of two ways. Girls or guys will message one of us — say I’m away from work or whatever — they’ll start messaging us saying like, “oh I saw Josh doing this” or, “oh I saw Sarah doing this”. So, you must have a lot of trust in each other because not everyone who watches us on social media loves us. That’s the negative side of things, but the positive is that we both love doing content creation and we love going on little adventures, editing—all that kind of thing. Doing something that you love with someone who is just as like-minded as you, that’s the great thing about it. Is social media influencing a career you would recommend for people who are interested? Yeah, definitely. Obviously, it’s like any business; there are always going to be challenges. That just is business— overcoming all the obstacles that come at you. If you want to work for yourself, if you want to have freedom (that is something that is very important to me) and you can deal with not making too much money at the start I would definitely recommend it. It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be, and not as glamorous as you would think, but it is a good lifestyle overall. You can follow Sarah and Josh at @ iamsarahharris and @joshleflex.

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Artist Feature: Stephanie O'Kane

Stephanie O'Kane is a Massey University graduate. The talented designer says she loves both design and illustration equally and her goal has always been to marry the two together. O'Kane says her designs have a feminine undertone and generally make use of bright pastel colour and in particular, pink. “I love colour and I love detail,” she tells Massive Magazine. “I'm a stickler for getting in there and seeing out all those little fine parts of a picture.” O'Kane says she always knew she wanted to do something creative. “I remember wanting to be an interior designer for a long time when I was young, but I think it was because It was the only creative job I knew of at the time, other than being a painter. I later moved on to wanting to style music videos and photo-shoots.” Now, four years on from graduating and working as an intermediate designer, it’s with design that she has found her true passion. O'Kane says she finds inspiration from being able to make a living while doing what she loves. “I'm definitely one of those stop and smell the flowers type of gals which means it’s pretty easy for me to find inspiration in almost every nook and cranny. I find myself drawn to lots of female creatives, there's a certain vibe they bring to their art that I'm drawn to. Plus, I'm all about the girl power! I also have a huge love for natural history. Those old botanical illustrations and rock studies really get me going.”

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*Well, Pocket specifically. We only semi need you. In the nicest way possible.

FEATURE

one small step for you, one giant step for the

POLAR BEARS Writer: Renae Williams Illustration: Luca Rosseels

Ever heard the old cliche that goes

something along the lines of, “humans are the most destructive creatures out and that the world would be a better place if we as a species became extinct?” Generally speaking, humans are about as destructive to the planet as Coke is to your body. So, what can we do without sacrificing everything we have? Veganism and activism are on the extreme ends of the spectrum. The same trend can be found in the way millennials don’t see the point in voting.

But why have such a defeatist view on life when every vote counts? Small acts do add up to the bigger, cleaner, more sustainable picture. After being saturated in opinions from this new age of political correctness, I realised that the big problem we are facing is that we’re human, we’re perfectly imperfect and we all mess up sometimes. You are doing yourself and the Earth a huge injustice by not doing anything just because you can’t do EVERYTHING. The Butterfly Effect is real and any contribution, no matter how small, is a contribution nonetheless.

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Meatless Monday’s You want to stop eating meat, but you know you’ll probably eat it again in your lifetime - that’s OK! Doing full blown vegetarian or vegan isn’t the only way. If having a plant-based diet is just too much for you to handle 24/7, then pick a day that you will aim to not eat meat and/or animal products. How about on Mondays you skip the meat and then on Thursdays you don’t eat dairy? It takes 9,463 gallons of water to produce 450 grams of meat. If you eat meat seven days a week then that’s close to 66,244 litres of water. Over a course of a typical three-year uni life, that is 10,334,174 litres. But if you were to cut out meat for one day per week, you will save 1,476,338 litres of water from being wasted over the course of three years. That’s the only math equation that’s ever made me smile, so that must be something!

Yes, I’m going to mention politics VOTE. We’ve already been through this last year, boys and girls. It’s important to investigate the policies that parties have for climate change and what they value. Because that is usually where your tax money will be focused on. Does the party you support recognise the need to decrease your carbon footprint? Do they care about the water quality that your grandchildren will have to deal with?

Reuse-atarian? The convenience of a takeaway coffee cup is nowhere near as satisfying as a reusable cup that you’ve chosen yourself. With reusable drink bottles, instead of paying $3.50 for a Pump bottle every week or so, you can spend $10-$20 one-off and use the tap – for freeeeeeee! Reusable bags aren’t just for the supermarket either - have it wrapped up in your bag for when you go shopping or for a rainy day when you need a spare. When printing readings and other documents out - print on two sides! This is a sure way to half the amount of paper you would have initially used. One person never using plastic again - awesome! Everyone doing the little things that they can - priceless!

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You have two legs - use them! We are lucky enough to live in a country that caters strongly for pedestrians and commuters. So, why not walk to work or uni? I admit, on a rainy cold day Zoomy seems to be my most favoured option. But a bus ride is pretty attractive when you consider it's half the price! Buses aren’t exactly ‘your own power’ but thirty people in one form of transport is a lot more efficient than thirty different cars trying to make it into the CBD by 9am. There’s something rewarding and awfully energy-savvy about using your own power to transport yourself. Besides, walking and biking isn’t bad for you either!

Do what you can! It seems that in the process of trying to save the planet, we have created more rigid groups and labels for ourselves that we must adhere to in order to be doing our part to preserve Mother Nature. There are things you can do without being a part of what may deem as almost cult-esque. You don’t have to stop all your bad habits forever or start knocking on doors getting sign-ups for Greenpeace campaigns. But there are small changes that you can make to your lifestyle that add up over time, making a massive difference. Who cares if one day you eat meat, or you throw cardboard in a rubbish bin because there’s no recycling bin around. You don’t have to beat yourself up for being a perfectly imperfect human.

Be a Conscious Consumer Excessive plastic waste is generally ending up in our oceans and in the stomachs of the ocean’s fish. Show the bartender that you are capable of drinking from a cup by refusing the straw. If you’re going home to eat takeaways, say no to the plastic cutlery. Making wise and healthy decisions for your body and the environment usually results in less waste, less processed foods being bought and therefore less money being pumped into the back pockets of all those moneyhungry corporations. You don’t have to do everything. You don’t have to move into the wop-wops, have no power and bathe in a river but you can do something. Doing something is easy. Setting unrealistic expectations and trying to give up habits that we have been conditioned to for 20-or so years, is a lot harder. A wise little Lorax once said, “unless someone like you cares an awful lot. Then nothing is going to get better - it’s not”. So, put on your walking shoes, load up on the plants, and let’s start saving our world together - one small step at a time. 23

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Artist: Bella Cole @apextheartist

opinion

Unpopular Opinion: Riverdale the Musical Writer: Aria Tongs

There are varying opinions of the quality and content of the show that is Netflixâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Riverdale, and before watching the eighteenth episode, I was still on the fence about my own opinion. My love for childhood sweetheart Cole Sprouse and pride of our homeboy KJ Apa are the only things getting me through the turbulence of the second season. This musical episode was once an innocent proposal, a conspiracy within the fandom. Never did I think it would manifest into this, its preview winning the most occurring recommended video to appear on my YouTube dashboard ever. Living my tween years through the likes of High School Musical and Hannah Montana, I would consider myself a musical fiend. That much so that I will reveal the fact that I did indeed star in the Broadway* rendition of High School Musical 2 (*Broadway Ave, Palmerston North), and played the pivotal role of Kelsi. Yes, that solo of You Are The Music In Me, has entitled me to a legitimate opinion, so heed my word.Â

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After finishing the episode and recording my reactions to major (ahem) plot movements, I decided to take a stroll through the fandom. To my surprise, the majority of the feedback was, well… positive.

lead, only with half the talent. You go girl. One star who was unapologetically absent from scrutiny is Jughead Jones. Despite working as a Disney star for over seven years, Sprouse pulled through unscathed from the Disney musical pull of the mid 2000s, and I seriously doubted that he would participate in the musical mayhem that is Riverdale Chapter Thirty-One. I think we should all take a card out of Sprouse’s book and stick to the things we’re good at.

In response to this, I find that the wider fandom generally tends to have this automatic bias; Riverdale can do no wrong. Somehow plucking traits from both our main Riverdale characters, and those from Stephen King’s ‘Carrie’ (music from the 1988 musical adaption), the writer’s intertwined the storylines enough to create the opportunity for Despite the criticism, and the poorly executed the overdue repair of father/son, future-telekinetic/ attempt to retain the interest of the twentypussycat and something-year-old Quote of the episode: bestfriend/bestie demographic of this pairings, which show, I do admit they “I will not succumb to thespian went down well. were close to pulling it terrorism and allow myself to be Regrettably, this off. Betty and Archie’s was the only thing efforts and chemistry ousted from this production.” they did right. made it enjoyable, Oh, you did, Cheryl. As a recurring and despite hardly Within the first having any lines, main character, you had no choice. 10 minutes, the Kevin gave it all he only thing I could really state with confidence was had in the few musical verses he was given, and those the lacklustre lip-syncing from the majority of the ‘proud mama’ shots really made me feel. The dialogue cast. It was giving me Zayn dead-pan in Pillow Talk as lyrics concoction did not go down well for me, during epic vocals – only minus the epic vocals in but I think it’s the risks that this show is willing to this case. In contrast, Archie and Betty really stood take on that keeps the likes of myself holding out for out as having almost legitimate singing and dancing more. If the Riverdale creators stick to the predictable capabilities – perhaps the only thing letting Apa down unpredictability of the current script and give us more was his American singing accent. From previous Apa shirtless scenes, then this show will preserve its episodes, I had gathered that Veronica froths at any avid audience. chance to sing in front of anyone who will listen, I’m just not convinced she’s worth listening to. In conclusion, we must draw from the one lesson I She’s got the hopes of becoming a successful have learnt from Tumblr: Don’t hate on the hater, Broadway back-up, all the passion of a this is the trash we all live for.

Continued >

opinion

The following comments are my as-it-happened thoughts. Let’s dig into Chapter Thirty-One – A Night to Remember. And as anyone should presume, spoiler alerts ahead.

1:20

5:12

18:40

33:33

42:00

0:58 – Jughead is delicious. 1:20 – And the singing begins. Didn’t waste much time, did we? 2:10 – This Varchie daddy issues storyline is making my heart hurt, also, am I correct in saying that NO-ONE ships Veronica and Archie? 2:50 – Who choreographed this opening number? The year 10 dance class at Palmerston North Girls’ High School? 4:00 – Cheryl and Carrie – like-minded haunted souls. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised from this series if Cheryl does in fact start experiencing weird telekinetic nonsense. 5:12 – #Barchie is endgame. 8:15 – Betty is giving me Amanda Seyfried Mamma Mia vibes, and I’m all here for it. 9:20 – KJ Apa enjoying this musical is my mood. Always. 18:40 – Jughead has been assigned one job and he’s doing it superbly. A+ baby. 19:43 – This petty best friend drama literally happened to me every other week at high school. My BFFL once ignored me for three months straight. 27:30 – This mother/son relationship is messed up. Maybe add a tie to the Black Hood and a sprinkle of Sheriff Keller, and you’ve got the ingredients to a mediocre and semi-predictable season finale! 31:30 – The casting of the Coopers is superb. 32:15 – FP as the baby daddy anyone? 33:33 – This is all too good to be true. Something is going to go terribly wrong soon, it’s against the Riverdale algorithm for things to go smooth-sailing for much longer. 34:01 – Oh look Sheriff Keller. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you. 34:37 – Is Kevin’s tux an ode to HSM3’s Troy Bolton? It so is. 34:50 – KJ deserves an Emmy for this performance. 10/10, well done. 38:54 – This suspenseful music. Whoever knew Ethel was so devious? 41:11 – THE WHOLE AUDIENCE CAN SEE YOU. 42:00 – And there folks, is the Riverdale punchline. Anyone else notice Chick just chilling within the mayhem? And where is Sheriff Keller when you need him?

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BREAKING NEWS Massey University discovers memes, grossly overuses alert emoji.

Column

Entry 3: Victor Lima Alpha Delta (and his leaky boat)

Picture yourself, sitting in a small boat under the bright stars on beautiful Lake Taupo. Amidst the occasional jerk on the fishing line, and the gentle sloshing of water, you catch a whiff of good ole’ BP Regular 91 coming from the vague direction of the outboard motor. Anyone in their right mind would ideally find some sort of light-emitting device to provide some lumens to find the perpetrator. Now, there’s a catch to this story. Not long ago, a certain human, who hails from the land of the sickle and hammer was stuck in this precarious predicament. This man, who goes by the name of Vlad, attempted to isolate the cause of his nostalgic nasal enigma. And as luck would have it, the only source of lumens available to Vlad was a pair of matches sitting in his frocket (front pocket). You may have already pieced together this puzzle, but poor Vlad decided to strike the match. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, there was quite a bright orange flame seen on Lake Taupo that night. Luckily, Vlad managed to get to shore rather quickly and extinguish the fire. The reason I bring this story up, is because it is exactly the kind of thing that

many of us would do. It is one of those scenarios where you just do something without thinking of the possible implications. Kind of like the old classic, where you buy a movie ticket from the cashier at the cinema, and they say, “enjoy your movie,” and you respond with, “you too!” You know full well that the cashier isn’t going to jump over the desk and join you for a good motion picture. In hindsight, its these situations where I would rather shit on my hands and clap. Nonetheless, a good round of faecal applause won’t solve any problems. At the time of occurrence, these events are not ideal. However, in hindsight, they make for some good laughs. I’ve been told that pouring bleach in your eyeballs tends to cure the cringe. However, this could have undesirable effects, and I’m not sure that Janola is a recommended eye-drop. TL;DR: Don’t carry matches in your leaky Russian boat, and definitely do not console yourself by applying faecal-matter/bleach to bodily parts. Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer

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public transport: A-OK? Writer: Tessa Guest Illustration: Luca Rosseels

Recently, I’ve been adjusting to using the pretty primo public transport system Wellington has to offer. Our city’s infamous rental crisis has got me busing from Karori to Massey five days a week, but it’s surprisingly made easy with the campus connection route (it’s number 18 for all you Karori-virgins; seriously, get yourself over there, it's a glorious combo of wealthy suburbia and rolling hills). Despite the expected rush hour traffic, the bus isn't usually more than a couple minutes late, and with the constant running through of orange lights, I always make it to class on time. It’s not just Metlink’s timetables I’m impressed with. I also have a particular admiration for the bus drivers of the city. They might not always be the most patient bananas in the bunch, but they have good excuse. They’re under constant pressure to

stick to the schedule, stop at very short notice, and most of all, not be visibly mad at the passengers who don’t have enough money on their Snapper but still expect to be let on. All of this would be completely manageable, if Wellington’s roads weren’t handcrafted by the devil himself. We’ve got the windy, steep streets, the tunnels barely wide enough to fit a financially fortunate student’s Suzuki Swift, and the motorway on-ramps with a massive lack of sign posting (spoken from experience). Of course, bus drivers are well-trained and familiar with the roads, but this learner driver wouldn’t last one traffic light change before causing some kind of catastrophe. One driver of mine did actually collide with a small car the other day, and while us passengers watched on like frightened goldfish, he popped outside, had a calm chat with the driver, took some snaps of the damage, and proceeded to back out of the collision

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and continue on with the journey. Despite being slightly concerned that a person in some state of shock was in charge of my safety for the next ten minutes, I was far more impressed at how calm he appeared on the outside, and how quickly he dealt with the predicament. To take a step (or ride) further, Wellington’s train system also thoroughly impresses me. While I’m no train connoisseur, everything seems to run smoothly, the only obvious stuff up being that you can’t use your Snapper to pay. But this is absolutely made up by the excellent announcers. For once, they do not in any way sound robotic, in fact, they sound so warm and friendly I’d half expect them to pop over to my house with some homemade banana loaf. The gender of the voice frequently changes, and the pronunciation of Māori place names is exceptional - a trillion times better than Siri’s

attempts. So, all in all, I think Wellington’s doing a pretty fab job of getting us from A to B, even if we usually complain instead of complementing our Transport Agency friends.

"...so warm and friendly I’d half expect them to pop over to my house with some homemade banana loaf. " The one thing that’s been niggling at me has nothing to do with public transport, and everything

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to do with normalised behaviour whilst using it. We all hate sitting next to someone and we practically recoil in our seats when someone plonks themselves on the adjacent seat. This is completely understandable. We all like our personal space, and you never know what kind of weirdo you could end up next to. But what’s the harm in finding out? It’s no new revelation to chat to strangers when you’re waiting round, in fact it’s a fairly old one, but seems to be one we’re losing. Now, I’m gonna sound like your old granny who frequently refers to using the internet as ‘on the line’ for a second, but hear me out. Most of us are phubbers - that is, people who stare at their phones to avoid social interaction. This doesn’t account for everything. Obviously, riding the bus is the perfect time to check if the flat needs a top up of milk, or look up the recipe for the meal you were

supposed to have ready ten minutes ago. However, as helpful, inspiring and engaging the information our handhelds give us is, we get so absorbed in our digital worlds, that we don’t even glance up at the person sitting next to us, let alone ask how their day’s going. A particularly brave flatmate of mine has taken it upon herself to start a conversation with a fellow passenger at least once a day. While it’s proven a decent challenge, within a couple weeks, everyone has reciprocated to her awkward conversation starters in a super friendly way. This might sound like a waste of time, and believe me, I’m not putting my hand up for fifteen minutes of awkward silences with jubilance. But who knows, if you take the social leap, you might make someone’s day, have someone make your day and learn something very interesting. The opportunity is staring at you.

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I want to escape from here Every time I go into town It makes me sick The places that we've been to Still so raw (erase it all) Reminders of our time spent together Should have never met up with you Too much has gone down, too much is true You know all about how I feel now Can't hide anymore The pain is apparent I am tired, annoyed and frustrated Our problems are so belated Can we admit now that it's too late To try to go back to how things were It is not working We are just hurting... Your actions speak for itself Ignorance is your best friend You go well with it, hand in hand Talking about it was my fix-up, look where we are now So why am I still standing here, wind blown on my face in a space So alone and empty? You walked away from me a long time ago We both know "don't do, don't pursue" It was never meant to be. - Melissa Ng

too

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the UNLONELY woman faking orgasms

Growing up we are always taught how a man cums, but I swear no sex-ed class taught me how to get myself off let alone taught people how to get me off. It was like once I got to the age of becoming intimate with men they had no idea what the fuck they were doing. It was like they thought they could just make me orgasm by clicking their fingers. That really ain’t the case. Every woman is different with their orgasm. One thing that works with one-woman ain’t gonna work with the next.

me an Academy Award. I remember my last faked orgasm like it was just the other day. I was dating this guy and I remember this one night we had sex and I was bored out of my brain. I just wasn’t enjoying it, my head can only go back and forth so much before I want to watch the next Kardashian episode. Long story short I got that good moan going and I faked seven orgasms. Why? Because this dude was trying so hard and I felt for his ego. Like he thought he was the man after I told him I “orgasmed” seven times.

Faking orgasms? Do they happen or is this just myth? Do woman actually fake an orgasm, and if so why? Hell, I even had one of my flatmates ask me if it’s true or not.

But here’s the thing I stopped. Why? Because I thought me faking an orgasm is not going to help any of these guys. Like what the fuck am I teaching them? I literally would sacrifice an actual orgasm all for the ego of a man. Like whaaaaat? So, after this I swore to myself that at 21 I would never fake another orgasm again. Jokes on me I didn’t have sex for another two years…

I literally more or less faked every orgasm I had up until the age of 24. Yes, there were some here and there, but they weren’t great. I feel like I have probably faked maybe 50. It’s like the guy would ask me if I orgasmed and I would just look them straight in the eye and say “yes”. Hell, I even got a good moan locked in. I mean I feel like my faking orgasm skills could get

But when I started having sex again last year I did not go back to faking. The man had to work for this shit. I mean once you know what gets someone off it becomes easier. It’s weird though

because every guy I’ve been with since last year actually gives a fuck about my orgasm. They generally want me to orgasm. It’s just like do men get to a certain age where they aren’t selfish in bed? Don’t get me wrong not all men are like this. But I have nothing else to base it off apart from my friends and my own stories and I’m sorry, but the stats aren’t great. So, what is my conclusion? Stop faking an orgasm. Ain’t no good coming from it ever. I mean what if you marry this dude you’ve been faking with or end up being in a long as relationship and you don’t get to orgasm once? I’m sorry but sis that is something I can't live without. Now second of all, men, don’t be selfish. Even if it's a one-night stand. Don’t just rub your hands together and think boom orgasm done. Because sir it does not work like that at all. A vagina is like a rubix cube, once you know what works you can solve that shit quick smart. Just pay attention to them and you’ll get there. For more from The Unlonely Woman, head to www.theunlonelywoman.com

COLUMN

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Hi there, I have just returned to uni after my mid-semester break where I travelled to Europe for a couple of weeks. However, whilst over there I got swindled into buying some sort of tea pot. Now this was all good but when I came back through customs, I was pulled asides on suspicion of drugs. Long story short, I must pay a $305 fee and have three months community service to complete. I am wondering how am I going to continue my studies on top of my punishment, can you help me? Firstly, I reckon you could implement a timetable for your daily routines, you could schedule in your classes alongside your community service. By sticking to this you will learn routines which will make you a better person and you will build a more positive character within yourself â&#x20AC;&#x201C; GC

I fell the fuck off my champion race horse the other day while I was steeplechasing round the streets of a foreign country on my mid-semester break. And now am far too scared to get back on and train to enter the Olympics in 2020. I mean I am a pretty decent competitor but yeah, I'm just too scared to fuck with it now. What should I do? Firstly, who the fuck goes overseas for a casual holiday? Wouldn't you rather go to Rotorua or some shit. Next, maybe take up a real manâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sport, like rhythmic gymnastics, that way you can eliminate the horse and get to dress up like a champion. Surely two years is enough to get good enough and qualify - BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

Have a picture worthy of Massive fame? Send it through to massive@mawsa.org.nz 37

Column

Lit Fam or Shit Scam? The Backbencher Writer: Kasharn Rao

It’s fucking cold. We should have seen it coming. Early this year Wellington was teetering between utopic sunshine and blithering bad weather and has finally settled for blithering. The weather is probably one of the most painfully lackluster conversation starters, but sometimes it’s all you’ve got. In my case I came prepared, as always. When I rocked up to The Backbencher for my review, not only did I have my pretentious conversation oneliners prepared, I also made sure to take my gentle Korean friend with me, just in case the place was full of disgruntled octogenarians. The Backbencher (in Wellington opposite parliament) has been around since 1893. The place is known for being the venue for long running political show Backbenches and a place you can spot a politician or two. It must be the exceptionally terrifying soggy puppets on the walls that attract the bees from across the road because it was quite busy. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting, to say the least. Staring up into the dead eyes, glistening teeth, and moist flesh of a caricature of Jonah Lomu doesn’t quite feed my political fire. But I wanted to give this place a fair chance, and let it impress me with its food, its people, and of course, its alcohol. I was pleasantly surprised when the bartender asked for my ID. At the ripe old age of 20, I didn’t think anyone would take me for a spring chicken. Since I know more about the Shrek mythos than I do about

beer, I had to ask for the bartender’s help in choosing a beverage. When I was told that the drink of choice by many politically-charged occupants was the Panhead Supercharger, I had to suppress a giggle. I hadn’t heard such a ridiculous name since Creative Media Production. However, unlike most beers I’ve had the misfortune of trying, this one didn’t taste like vegemite. And fair enough too, I paid $11 for the bloody thing. My friend and I sat about and absorbed the aura of the place like a pair of enlightened hipsters. I avoided the stares of some of the older occupants from the table next to us, until I realised that I probably had to speak to one of them to get the full experience. The first gentleman I approached completely avoided my gaze, but we did have a conversation. By conversation of

"...the leaders of our country have their drinks...with an attic full of burnt puppets." course I mean I said ‘hello’ and he said ‘goodbye’ then left, but it was a conversation nonetheless. It seemed like nobody over the age of 125 wanted to speak to me, so I had a yarn with the bartender, who

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was also a student. She pointed out the lesser known politicians in the room that I wouldn’t have recognised and explained where the puppets came from. They start off as a 3D drawing by Murray Webb, then come to life by the black magicking of Bryce Curtis from Weta Workshop. Turns out The Backbencher has had a few dreadful fires in the past, one managed to damage many of the puppets. Instead of throwing these cursed items into the sea and calling an exorcist, the owners decided they’d just store them in the attic. So yes, the leaders of our country have their drinks and merriment at an old masonry building with an attic full of burnt puppets. No wonder so much goes wrong in New Zealand. If it were up to me I’d burn the place to Jacinders, but then the lady who owns the apartment block next door wouldn’t have any noise to complain about. I returned to our table, where my friend had kindly ordered what we assumed were going to be calamari and fries. What we got were calamari and big fuck off potatoes the size of shakeweights. Not that I was complaining, they were damn pleasant. Can’t say the same for the Guinness that my friend ordered. He knows what a good Guinness tastes like, so I didn’t question him when his face went sour after the first sip. He peered into the glass, then glanced at me, then back again. He described it to me as tasting like, “vaping with a burnt coil.” I don’t know what that’s like, perhaps you do, but I’m sure it’s not what you want in a $10 drink.

How quickly this place had fallen out of favour with him. He had a smile on his face when we walked in, now he was claiming that if he lived in the other half of Korea he would bomb this place in a jiffy. It seemed like the right time to go, so we headed out towards the restaurant half of the building, and that’s when we ran smack doodle into Jacinda Ardern, in all her sparkling glory. Or at least, we got a bit of a shock from her puppet counterpart with teeth so big that Jaws would have contracted severe depression. To make matters worse, the Uber home had doubled in price, and my friend and I blamed it on the government all the way back to our flat, which StudyLink helps us pay for. However, I enjoyed the time I had spent at the Backest of Benches. The food was nice, the drink was palatable, and I got a good yarn out of it. Regardless, the puppets are atrocious, it’s impossible to afford when you live day to day off cheap tortillas, and I think it’s clear that as young people full of pith, vinegar, and potential, we really have no place there. I give The Backbencher a total of 3/5 Votes that didn’t matter, therefore it’s kinda meh.

Next Issue: A Gathering of Sorts 39

REVIEWS

Movie Review Blockers

TV Show Review Series of Unfortunate Events Season Two

Blockers exceeded my expectations as a comingof-age comedy film, despite the premise surrounding female virginity. It is prom night and three girl friends are planning to all lose their virginities the same night. Their parents are all of differing quality in the parenting department. Lisa (Leslie Mann) is a lonely single mother overly attached to her daughter, while Mitchell (John Cena) still sees his daughter as a little princess. Finally, Hunter (Ike Barinholtz) is an MIA father who hasn’t treasured his relationship with his daughter as much as he should have. The three parents are not impressed by the #sexpact2018 and try to cock block the girls all night. A few cheap laughs were tried unsuccessfully and the best jokes came from the children rather than the adults. Despite the subject matter, the film played on every ‘hot topic’ of late, and managed to show true consent well within the scenes of the girls about to lose their virginities. Most of the acting was pretty good, except for professional wrestler John Cena. I could see the thinking cogs turning behind his acted expressions the whole film. On the whole this is a very watchable comedy – Emma Rzepecky.

Adapted from the beloved children’s series written by Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events is an intricately stylised television show. The series revolves around the Baudelaire children, orphaned by a fire that burned down their house with their parents inside. Misery follows the orphans in the form of Count Olaf (Neil Patrick Harris), and a mystery begins to unfold, a secret organisation by the name of VFD. The plot of the recently released second season follows straight on from the first, meeting the orphaned Baudelaire’s as they head to their next ‘adventure’, the Austere Academy. The show calls for brilliant child actors, inventive eldest daughter Violet (Malina Weissman), bookworm middle child Klaus (Louis Hynes) and strongtoothed baby Sunny (Presley Smith). Luckily, they found great child actors who all play their characters well, bringing the show to life against Neil Patrick Harris acting a perfect villain. A Series of Unfortunate Events manages to be evenly dark and humorous in tone. I’m not sure I would encourage children to watch it, but tweens, teens and adults would all enjoy the show – Emma Rzepecky.

COLUMN

Booked In: Chapter Four The Conductor

Not many New Zealand books or authors tend to get worldwide recognition, which is a shame, because there are (obviously) some great writers born on our shores. Kiwi author Sarah Quigley’s The Conductor was 2011’s highest selling adult-fiction title in New Zealand, but I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t read and enjoyed Quigley’s most recent title last year. The Conductor is a fictionalised account of the Siege of Leningrad (now known as Saint Petersburg), in Soviet Russia during World War II. We get to know several characters, eminent composer Dmitri Shostakovich, and diffident conductor Karl “Elias” Eliasberg. As the city falls down around him, Shostakovich composes his Seventh Symphony, ‘Leningrad,’ inspired by and dedicated to the besieged city. Eventually, he is forced to evacuate, restoring morale to the once-great Leningrad. Excitingly, Shostakovich’s Seventh is included with the book as a CD attached to the back cover. The Conductor is as much about music as it is about war. The city of Leningrad is the centre of the story as well as the boundary. The novel has as many narrative perspectives as there are main characters in Leningrad, and as they evacuate one by one, that number is

depleted. This way of structuring the novel was quite compelling. It creates the feeling that nothing exists outside of Leningrad, which is possibly how the characters felt. The characters themselves are complex and conflicted and feel like real people. Which is a nice bonus, since they’re based on real people. The Conductor is easily read. Quigley displays appropriate knowledge of music without saturating the prose in jargon so as to make it impenetrable for those who wouldn’t know a bar from a measure. That’s a joke. I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing. To be honest, it felt a bit jarring at times, breaking the immersion rather than making me more sympathetic to the characters. My only other qualm is that there was… something missing. I don’t know what. I think the book ended in a good place, but I was nonetheless left with a sense of dissatisfaction. Something fell flat. I felt similarly last year, when I read Quigley’s The Suicide Club. The books are completely different, but Quigley’s style is evident. As I said, however, The Conductor is not just about war. It’s about music, culture, and the resilience of people, using art to give them the strength to overcome incredible hardships. And those are some worthy themes – Peri Miller 41

COLUMN

Music Review All My Demons Greeting Me As Friends / Aurora

While I anticipate the release of Aurora’s sophomore album, I reminisce on the time when I discovered her music a few years back and instantly fell in love with her music. I found her song Runaway on YouTube, where the Norwegian is seen parading around in the woods and snow, and her beautiful, angelic voice matches the picturesque scenery while she sings about yearning for home. It is one of many beautiful songs on her debut album All My Demons Greeting Me As A Friend, that Katy Perry says makes her ‘heart a flutter’. The album is the epitome of Aurora - pure, raw and innocent, though her lyrics can be dark and deeply personal, but it feels gentle and honest. Her songs Warrior and Conqueror are two of the most up-beat, happy songs on the record, but hidden inside them are feelings of sadness. But there’s always a sliver of hope in them, let love conquer your mind / warrior / just reach out for the light. Aurora seems to feel things deeply, perhaps more than others, and channels that sensitivity in her songs. My favourites would have to be Under The Water which sounds much like a Bjork song, and Through The Eyes Of A Child as it sounds like a beautiful lullaby. Her new album is going to be much more fierce with powerful songs like The Seed that talks about the issues of climate change and the destruction of the earth. Another favourite is Queendom which is a song especially for her fans. I got to meet her at Laneway and she is the sweetest, smallest, most angelic human being on the entire planet – Zoe Jennings.

FROM THE

PREZ

COLUMN

Hey Everyone! We are flying through semester now, and as scary as that sounds we are about a quarter of the way through the year! I know that will bring up mixed feelings as exams draw closer haha. As we get into the winter months it is important your looking after yourself and make sure you stay warm and dry. It’s time to hassle your landlords to install that insulation as we get into winter! Remind them it’s better to get it done now rather than the end of the year. If your ever unsure on your tenancy rights be sure to check out the ASA website for more info. As I mentioned in the previous column, campus radio will be making its debut soon, and we are looking for

N! VEGA

keen students to make content and run some shows, if your keen please get in touch. Continuing on a musical note, keep your eyes peeled for some live music down at the Ferguson on Friday, May 18 – we will be advertising this more as we get closer to the date. Lecturer of the Year Voting has opened! Remember it’s the lecturer that really makes the difference to your learning, if you’ve had a particularly sick one then give them a vote! That’s all from me this issue, but keep an eye on this space and on our ASA Facebook page. Cheers!

Jason

COOL BEANS Tofu Scramble with Lydia Hill

As someone who is allergic to almost everything, I am overjoyed when I can experience foods that emulate what I’m allergic to, in this case, eggs. Using tofu works excellently, as by itself it tastes like virtually nothing, so it easily takes on flavours that you add to it, and it’s packed with protein, so it makes for a great breakfast. I use Kala Namak, or black salt, as it has an eggy taste and aroma. I found mine at Indian Spice Land on Willis street.

Drain the tofu and pat with paper towels thoroughly to remove excess water to ensure you get those delicious crispy bits. Heat a pan on medium to high heat and coat with oil. Crumble the tofu into the pan and add the garlic, turmeric powder, nutritional yeast, black salt and pepper. Stir to combine. Panfry until golden crispy bits form, while most the tofu is still soft. Serve on a slice of wholemeal bread and garnish with more pepper and spring onion.

Ingredients Tofu (I use half a block of firm Morinaga tofu) Finely chopped spring onion for garnish 1 tsp garlic paste 1 ½ tsp turmeric powder 2 tbsp nutritional yeast 1 ½ tsp Kala Namak (black salt) ground black pepper to taste tbsp olive oil

Puzzles

MASSIVE QUIZ

1. What was the first fully animated feature film released by Walt Disney? 2. What famous actress was born Norma Jeane Mortenson? 3. What colour lipstick did silent movie stars wear? 4. What are the four suits in a deck of cards? 5. True or false. Florence Nightingale was born in Florence? 6. Which character did Jennifer Aniston play in the sitcom Friends? 7. Which famous film star is an anagram of I’m so cuter? 8. How many leaves does a shamrock have? 9. What is Prince Harry’s first name? 10. True or false. Adults blink more than babies?

Can you SUDOKU? Test yourself. Stretch your mind. You’ll thank us later for your increased IQ and 89%* higher chance of finding a job after your study.

Easy Challenge: Under 5 mins?

Medium Challenge: Beat your last time

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 2. Marilyn Monroe, 3. Black, 4. Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades, 5. True, 6. Rachel, 7. Tome Cruise, 8. Three, 9. Henry, 10. True.

*Not true. This was another test. How did you do?

HOT OR NOT? HOT: Drake’s, Nice for What HOT: Suzy Cato on DWTS

HOT: Walmart Yodelling Kid HOT: Beychella

HOT: Chef’s table on Netflix

HOT: Taika’s take on racism

NOT: Racism in New Zealand NOT: The name True Thompson

NOT: Zac Franich on DWTS NOT: Nicki Minaj vs. Cardi B feud

Column

Your Asstrology with ASSTROLL the Mystic “There was a young mystic called Ass His visions were definitions of class He wrote horoscopes Filled it with tropes Not at all to be applied en-masse” Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19

Gemini May 22 – Jun 21

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23

There was a young girl Aquarius After every sentence said, “are you serious?” It all got too much One day a cute futch Gave her a whack deleterious

There was older woman, a Gemini Who believed in an old type of femini’ There’s only two genders And ‘queers’ are just benders Sharon, hope you get lemon inya eye

There was a young lass who was Libra She rode around on an imported zebra One dude called Beck Said that’s illegal as heck So she traded it in for a cheetah

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20 There was a nonbinary Pisces Took too long nostril hairs with some tweezers They gave it a pinch But started to wince Uncontrollable sneezes

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20 There was an insufferable Aries They don’t shut up about Aries They’re an Aries Did you know they an Aries Guess what star sign I am, an Aries

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21 There was an adolescent who was Taurus He took the lead in the chorus His solo was cropped As one ball had dropped And his suddenly his voice became so sonorous

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23 Darren was unfortunately a Cancer He thought he had all of the answers But he believes in some myths Like capitalist monoliths The revolution is nigh, ideological necromancer

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23 Leo was a dude who was a Leo He had a bit of an ego He swanned around town Looked a bit of a clown Cos he only ever wore tan coloured chinos

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23 Wendy was a cool kind of Virgo What I’m trying to say really, ergo She only wore black Owned a Jansport backpack And had a boyf called Diego

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 23 There was an old man, Scorpio Who’d just got a new sexy beau They met on Grindr Which is a timely reminder That it’s not just for job blows

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22 There was a person, Sagittarius They had some plans nefarious Put pins on seat top But forgot; sat down; tetanus shot That one wasn’t hilarious

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20 There was a young girl Capricorn Who had an addiction to porn One was never enough Her bits became quite tough But what can you do when you’re horn?

FEATURE