Massive: Issue 10 Part 1 'Fact'

TEN A

13TH MAY

NURSING STUDENTS FEAR THEY AREN’T GETTING WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR

MASSEY FILM STUDENT SCORES NZ ON AIR FUNDING FOR ANIMATED SERIES

OPINION: CREATE AN AI COURSE, MASSEY!

AHUATANGA

ELLIOT

APOCALYPSE PREP: THE SECRET BUNKERS OF WANAKA’S BILLIONAIRES

Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

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MISINFORMATION AND FLAKY PROMISES FROM MASSEY STUDENTS' ASSOCIATION

Te Tira Ahu Pae were ready to take accountability for their lack of communication about staff and course cuts at their Wellington forum on May 2nd. But students left with misinformation and no clear promises about how the association will improve.

When asked how information was being made accessible for students by the association, student rep Micah Geiringer plainly said, “We’re not”.

Hennessey Wilson, general president said, “We can do a lot better, and we need to do a lot better.”

Neither Wilson or Geiringer made commitments to how this would be done.

Wilson spent a lot of the forum speaking about suspected but unconfirmed cuts to the College of Creative Arts (CoCA).

“College of Creative Arts hasn’t had their proposal for change yet, that's happening this year,” he said.

To a room mostly full of CoCA students, Wilson said, “You’re all up shits creek.”

CoCA pro vice-chancellor Margaret Maile said that the college is not advancing a proposal for change at this time.

She said the university is endeavoring to deliver on its Financial Recovery Plan.

Wilson said, “We should have a vice chancellor as well, that is there lobbing the government.”

In March, vice chancellor Jan Thomas told Massive

that she had lobbied for more funding. Thomas meets periodically with the Government to discuss matters impacting the tertiary education sector, including the financial challenges universities are facing.

However, Wilson said, “She’s actually in a very powerful position. She’s the chair of the vice chancellors committee. But instead of lobbing the government to get more funding, she looks first to what she can cut.”

While Thomas used to be the chair of the vice chancellors committee, she is not currently.

Wilson said Massey’s intention is for Singapore to have the “largest campus out of all of Massey’s campuses”.

He said the university aims for the campus to have 5000 students, more than any of the other internal campuses in NZ, “They’re chasing that international student money.”

However, this is incorrect, as the university’s aim is to have 5000 students globally by 2026.

Student rep Geiringer said 37 staff members from the College of Humanities and Social Sciences were cut last year. However, the college's pro vicechancellor Cynthia White said this was incorrect, the correct figure sitting at about 20 job cuts.

On the 21st of March, all four association presidents told Massive that moving forward they planned to close the feedback loop and ensure that students were updated with information as it comes from the university.

A concrete plan to how they will do this is still yet to be seen.

MASSEY CONFIRMS CAMPUS IN SINGAPORE

WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

On April 17th, vice chancellor Jan Thomas officially signed a collaboration agreement to bring a Massey campus to Singapore.

The university announced its aim to enroll 5000 students globally by 2026.

The news broke that Massey was planning a major face-to-face campus in Singapore in August last year, amongst news of job and course cuts.

The agreement was made with PBS academy executive chairman Viva Sinniah, with PM Christopher Luxon as the witness.

Deputy vice-chancellor of global engagement, Tere McGonagle-Daly told Massive that Massey had been operating on-the-ground in Singapore since 2008 and were very familiar with the environment.

“We are New Zealand’s leading and largest provider of offshore education with 2,975 offshore students at present.” This figure includes transnational education programmes in China, Singapore, Vietnam and Australia, and distance students.

Massey was working to register a branch campus in Singapore through funds managed by Massey Global Singapore Private Ltd.

WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER NURSING STUDENTS FEAR THEY AREN’T GETTING WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR

Internal nursing students say their mental health and grades are slipping with many classes moving online, but Massey claims the degree builds “work-ready” grads.

Wellington nursing student Sarah* said, “Honestly, this online learning module is not how I expected Nursing to be at all.”

In August last year, Massey cut its Albany Nursing degree for new students, with the Wellington and Manawatū courses remaining.

With lab use being included in students' fees, Sarah* said they had a total lab time of 2 hours a week, with the rest of classes online.

“I struggle to stay on top of my work or find any passion in the profession when we are essentially being taught how to be a Nurse through our computer screens.”

Sarah* went into nursing to be around people, however, they said this was not reflected in the way they study at Massey “whatsoever”.

Posters that say “NURSING IS NOT AN ONLINE DEGREE” were spread around the Wellington campus by the student association general president, Hennessey Wilson.

However, Sarah* said online learning allows them to

split the content up for themselves, rather than sitting through a 2-hour lecture which tends to drag on.

Third-year nursing student Luke* said they wouldn’t recommend Massey to future students.

The large switch to online started to impact their mental health, feeling like they are teaching themselves.

“My grades were good, I was retaining information I had learnt. But ever since we moved online my grades have dropped despite me studying 4-10 hours daily.”

A Massey spokesperson said they provide a Bachelor of Nursing programme that allows graduates to be “work-ready, knowledgeable and skilful”.

Massey’s nursing qualifications are nationally and internationally recognised and approved by the Nursing Council of New Zealand.

The spokesperson said lab time provides interactive learning that links in person and online learning to the placement environment.

“We understand that studying online will be a new experience for some students.” The Student Achievement Team is available to provide guidance.

*Names changed for anonymity.

MASSEY FILM STUDENT SCORES NZ ON AIR FUNDING FOR ANIMATED SERIES

WORDS BY LULU HUBBARD A SHE/HER

Massey’s own Charlie Faulks received big news last month that NZ On Air is funding almost $500,000 dollars to his animated series, set to hit screens across Aotearoa next year.

Bloke of the Apocalypse, will follow a father and son as they combat a zombie apocalypse in rural Aotearoa.

Faulks said the show is very close to his heart, “I took inspiration from my own life having grown up on a farm in Gisborne.”

Charlie noted that the differences between him and his father inspired the comedy woven throughout his show.

“The father, Bloke, is based directly on my Dad visually they’re exactly the same. Oliver, the son, is a mix between me and my nine-year-old brother Ollie.”

Bloke of the Apocalypse started as a small side project throughout Charlie’s second year of university from the comfort of his small dorm room in Massey’s Cube Hall.

“I began conceptualising an animated series set in Aotearoa with my flatmate Jack Marlin, I wanted to base it here so Jack and I could voice the characters using our natural accents.”

With the show being based in Aotearoa, Charlie hopes his audiences can truly relate to the characters and its themes.

“I want to illuminate very specific areas of our beautiful country and the familiar personas that exist within them.”

“It was my utmost dream to have creative control over a project, and now I suddenly do Crap, I need to find a new dream.”

Along with his producers, Ben Powdrell and Francesca Carney, the three are now preparing to embark on this exciting journey.

OPINION: CREATE AN AI COURSE, MASSEY!

WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

Despite the fear that AI will one day take over our jobs, universities including Massey should be including an AI class in our studies, rather than penalising us for using it.

Massey provost Giselle Byrnes tells me, “While we encourage and embrace the use of technology, it is important to ensure these resources are used ethically, responsibly and in accordance with assessment instructions.” Granted, using ChatGPT to write an essay feels like a cop-out and raises plagiarism issues, but there’s no reason why AI shouldn’t be a core topic for many courses.

As a content producer, I write about basically everything, from mortgages to electric vehicles, Wi-Fi to microwaves, which truthfully can be a tad mindnumbing at times. So, when my company decided to trial ChatGPT, it almost seemed too good to be true, I could write a story in half the time it would typically take me. That’s not to say there haven’t been challenges.

ChatGPT is like a male Sagittarius it just loves to gaslight you.

I’ve experienced ChatGPT making up information, once even citing a survey that my boss had supposedly written (spoiler alert, he hadn’t, it didn’t exist). But it's good for filler information. ChatGPT writes great articles on anything that doesn’t require too much factual information.

Byrnes said the university is continually discussing developments in the AI space and considering what this means for teaching. But an AI class doesn’t seem on the cards. “The breadth of AI tools and the diversity of their applications means that an AI class would be too generic to be meaningful for any one specific context.”

AI is here to stay, so our university should teach us how to work with it rather than fight against it.

WE COULDN’T RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO STIR UP SOME MISCHIEF. WHO CAN REALLY BLAME US FOR CONCOCTING A NOTE CLAIMING THE RECIPIENT WAS BEING HAUNTED BY A YOUNG BOY WHO RESIDED IN THE WALLS OF MASSEY WITH HIS PET RAT? NATURALLY, WE THREW THIS NOTE AT AN UNSUSPECTING CLASSMATE.

THE NOTE READ:

Dear friend,

My name is Elliot, and I am the nine-year-old boy who lives in the walls of this university. My pet rat, Geoff, was once my only friend. We used to go on adventures every day in 1932. Until we were exploring the construction site of Massey University Wellington. Geoff got spooked by a black cat and jumped out of my hands and hid between two slabs of concrete. I couldn’t lose my only friend, so I crawled into the crack to find him… but I got stuck. I cried and cried but no one heard me. Geoff never came back to me either. When the builders came back the next day, I was already dead. Now, my soul haunts the campus forever as I continue to search for Geoff.

I come to

you

to ask, have you seen Geoff? Tell me where he is, or you’ll regret the day you awoke my spirit.

Love, Elliot

I’m not sure how anyone believed us considering the Wellington Massey campus wasn’t even built until 1960 and wasn’t owned by Massey until 1999.

Perhaps we took the bit too far when we created an email account for Elliot (elliotghostyboy@gmail.com) so we could continue to contact our unsuspecting peers. Elliot was trading in his rat-chasing antics for some good old-fashioned cat-fishing.

The lies about Elliot grew. From saying we were going ghost hunting after class to claiming we had been contacted by Elliot ourselves.

The word about Elliot was taken out of our hands when on last year's Open Day, a Massey guide began warning future students about him. Shaking Year 13s were comforted by the fact that Elliot never actually lived up to his promises of revenge. In a way, Elliot’s a bit like an ex-boyfriend all talk and no action.

The Open Day high school students followed Elliot into this year, when he began receiving a whole bunch of emails from first year groupies. We realised that our fictional creation had become a whole lot of fact.

His inbox was flooded with people claiming they’d spotted his ghostly presence on campus. From sipping coffee at Tussock Cafe, to crying in the walls of 4B06, to running after rats in the hallways. In turn, I became Elliot’s PR manager, spending my Marketing lectures replying to fans.

The lore got so deep that sometimes I forget Elliot isn’t real. But reality hit me when I started receiving smutty Elliot fanfiction. He’s nine-yearsold, for god’s sake. At 20-years-old, I’m a bit over embodying a nine-year-old boy who likes rats.

A little lie can seem like a fact pretty easily. You can’t believe everything you hear especially a nine-year-old ghost who can email people.

TELL TALES OF THE TUNNELS

IT WAS MY THIRD YEAR ON THE FORCE WHEN THE RUMOURS BEGAN CIRCULATING ALL OVER MASSEY CONFESSIONS. RUMOURS OF A CONSPIRACY THAT WENT RIGHT DOWN TO PALMY MASSEY UNIVERSITY’S FOUNDATIONS. THE TUNNELS.

You may not have seen them, but you can feel them. If you stamp your foot on certain parts of Palmy concourse you can tell the ground feels almost hollow beneath you. Like with enough force it would cave in and lead to the subterranean lair of the Massey Mole Men.

Photos of these tunnels were dug up around November of 2022. Massey published a statement, but it was dubious at best. It said the tunnels were designed in the 1960s when the heating of the buildings on the Manawatū campus came from a boiler house. The house supplied heated water through a reticulation system through the underground tunnels.

“As well as water, the tunnels carried other services such as electricity, gas and telephone lines around campus.” Nice try, Massey, but everyone knows you can’t CARRY electricity.

I’ve reached my own conclusions as to what could be going on down there...

1. VET

STUDENT KETAMINE SMUGGLING TUNNEL

Massey’s drugs are under tight watch, and Vet students cannot steal ketamine. So how are they getting it? Three words ketamine smuggling network.

They hide it in all the sheep they love so dearly, before distributing their goods amongst the Vet school and quietly returning the sheep to the farms beyond the university fence line.

2. FERGUS’ PLAYPEN

We know mascot Fergus the Ram loves to get down and dirty, but where does he do it?

Word is that if you pray to him enough before bed, he’ll come whisk you away to his secret spot beneath the library.

3. MOLE PEOPLE

Massey has become home to a race of subterranean Mole People who want to steal all our courses and degrees. Why do you thinking everything is miraculously getting ‘cut’? Think about it if you’re a newly evolved ground dwelling Mole Person, do you think you’re eligible for a student loan? No. So, they must be stealing our precious lecturers and forcing them to teach in the tunnels.

My director has asked me to drop the case, but I just can’t. I believe the entrance is situated underneath Radio Control and plan on carrying out a solo investigation myself.

DEBRIEF

Detective Wilson’s disappearance should be seen as a warning to any other aspiring sleuths who may be reading this. All evidence of Fergus’ vulgar activity here has been incinerated.

ANYONE CAUGHT TRYING TO ACCESS CASE #42069 OR ANY OTHER FILES RELATING TO THE TUNNELS WILL BE SUSPENDED UNDER SUSPICION OF PARANOIA.

Sammy Carter, Director of Massive Investigations

APOCALYPSE PREP

THE SECRET BUNKERS OF WANAKA’S BILLIONAIRES

A giant comet in the sky, a beautiful yet terrifying ball of fire bringing your fate.

A towering wave that stretches so far over your head you can't see the sky anymore.

The ground cracking beneath your feet, waiting to swallow you whole.

The shockwave of fire and nuclear fission slowly filling the horizon, a wall of fire sprinting towards you.

We all know it's coming. But some people have really been taking the 'Would you survive the apocalypse?' question to a new level specifically foreign billionaires in NZ with too much money and too little sense.

Enter stupid billionaire Peter Thiel, co-founder of PayPal, one of the first investors in Facebook, and general Silicon Valley moustache-twirling villain. This is a man who thinks that blood transfusions from young people can stop the aging process. Money does not buy brains.

Peter was granted NZ citizenship in 2011, after spending just 12 days in the country, promising the Government he would invest in a bunch of tech startups. He then vanishes back to Silicon Valley, California where he hasn't been seen in NZ since. The Government also did ask him the favour of not telling anyone. The public didn't even find out until 2016.

According to The Guardian, he applied to the Queenstown Lakes District Council (QLDS) to build himself an ultra-luxury apocalypse bunker on the shores of Lake Wanaka.

The plans included a hillside complex featuring a lodge that sleeps 24 people, an accommodation pod just for Peter, landscaping (because every bunker needs a garden), water features (you need a water fountain during the apocalypse?) and a meditation space.

You know, to recentre yourself after the end of the world. And the bunker was all designed by the guys who designed the stadium for the Tokyo Olympics.

The council rejected the proposal, saying it would damage the pristine environment. But to this day, Peter still owns the property he wanted to build it on.

While Peter tried to go the public legal route for setting up his survival bunker, I can’t say the same for other billionaires (allegedly, for legal purposes).

In 2020, CNN reported American company Rising S, which sells bunkers ranging from $40,000 USD into the millions, claimed that it sold dozens of bunkers to NZ. General manager Gary Lynch said they are “all over the place”.

When asked if Gary got permission from local councils to install them, he said, "We're supposed to, yes."

Another American company, Vivos, claimed it's built a 300-person bunker in NZ, but when founder Robert Vicino was asked for details, he refused to say any more, or even confirm its existence.

But residents from the Queenstown/ Wanaka area, where many of these bunkers are reported to be, say they have never seen them and don't believe that they exist.

Reported in 2020, Queenstown Lakes District Council said it didn’t have any resource consent applications for bunkers or similar projects’ requests (until Peter's request was rejected in 2022). Eight other South Island district councils all told CNN the same thing.

But maybe on my next stroll through Wanaka’s lake side walks, I’ll spot a billionaire on a shady building site.

mouth. – Crowds

carb on carb –I Know The End 2

Fouler – Dean

Pearly – Hit The Ground Beside You

GOT A CONFESSION, A TAKE,NAUGHTY OR A SEXY STORY?

I tend to take my vibrator everywhere I go, in case I need a quick pick-me-up. I usually head to the library bathroom to do this. It’s usually when I’ve been studying for hours and need something to wake me up. I always use the lowest setting so it's pretty quiet.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was studying at like 9pm and thought I’d have a quick buzz in the bathroom like I usually do. I chose the stall in the far corner for extra privacy. I sat on the toilet with one leg on top of the toilet paper holder. I know it's not very sexy, but my vibrator can make me cum anywhere (unlike my ex).

I started going at it for a couple of minutes. I was really enjoying myself. But then someone walked into the bathroom. And don’t be alarmed because this has happened before. I usually just stop, wait for them to leave, and go again. I go to hit the off button but instead I accidentally

button and the setting gets higher and higher. My leg falls down off the toilet paper holder and makes a loud bang on the floor. I don’t know what to do so I let go of the vibrator only for it to fall into the toilet. The thing was fuckin hearty apparently because it kept buzzing even inside the toilet.

I stayed silent while I panicked some more. My only option was to get the vibrator out. I was so embarrassed and needing it to stop, and looking back I should have at least used some toilet paper, that I reached into the toilet and grabbed the vibrator and turned it off.

I waited in the stall until the person left. I kept waiting for an hour and a half just in case I went back into the library, and they somehow figured out it was me. I wrapped my toilet water vibrator in paper and shoved it in my tote bag before walking home in complete shame.

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

Lean into your flamboyant side this week. Channel that fire sign energy into your confidence. You’re going to be making a huge decision sometime soon.

Your patience will be tested this week. Stay clear of wearing those shoes that hurt your feet. It will tip you over the edge.

You can’t keep collecting every pretty rock you see. Your shelves are going to break down if you’re not careful. It’s not the weight of the world getting you down, it’s the ROCKS. Control yourself.

Everything has been too much recently, so take an evening for yourself. Go out and explore somewhere by yourself. Have a break from everyone else.

Someone in your life has been lying to you recently, Gemini. Check your facts and catch them out on their lies – stop letting them walk all over you.

Don’t go out to a party this weekend. Your social battery will die in the first hour. Curl up with a blanket and watch a childhood movie, instead. Choose a movie with an animal on the cover.

CANCER VIRGO

Open up your curtains, Your nights are going to be extra chilly this week, Leo. Stop being a stinge worrying about your electricity bill skyrocketing if you turn on your heater. A couple extra dollars will be worth the warmth.

your advantage and don’t let anything sway you.

Time to pick up a new craft or hobby. Create cute 3D cardboard creatures to hang on the wall, obsess over embroidery colours — embrace the sound of your bank account crying!

You’re too competitive for your own good, Virgo. If you’re not careful this week, your tendency to go all in will leave you without a friend. Losing won’t kill you.

Even though you said you weren’t stressed last week, it will all come crashing down soon. But hold tight, Pisces, stay connected to your emotions and trust yourself to know when you need a break.