Massive: Issue 08 'Iconic'

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EDITORIAL

“MUM, CAN WE HAVE MILEY CYRUS?”

The infamous Miley Cyrus blue eyes meme made its way onto my Twitter feed in 2018. Her shitty blue smokey eye and forced smile was strangely confronting.

When this meme went viral on Twitter, Miley Cyrus was on a social media cleanse. The meme was badly Photoshopped into many things, some funny, some confusing, and some discomforting.

But in 2018, 10 years on from when the photo was taken at the Grammy Awards of 15-year-old Miley, I have to tilt my head to look at it. It’s Miley Cyrus... but it doesn’t quite look like her.

I was on a mission to find out why this meme was so iconic, so I got myself into 2008 Miley Cyrus attire. I put on some old blue eyeshadow, orange foundation, blow dried my hair into a side part, and curled my hair (even though Bella terribly Photoshopped it on anyway). I made sure to message my team that morning to say “I’m gonna look weird today, I’m 2008 Miley Cyrus”. It didn’t stop the laughter though.

“WE’VE GOT MILEY CYRUS AT HOME.”

When Miley was 15, Hannah Montana had barely been on for two years. She was just starting to find that ‘It Girl’ stardom. The Grammys was one of her first major events, and you can tell her makeup artist was struggling.

Her dark hair was the cause of Nick Jonas. Miley told Seventeen that Nick had encouraged her to get highlights. So, after they broke up, she dyed her hair dark brown, almost black. What an icon.

Unfortunately, Miley’s hair unarguably looked its best in 2010 in the last season of Hannah Montana when she had highlights. The confronting blue smokey eyeshadow, with dark hair, looks very different from the girl we know and love today.

Staring at this photo for so long made me realise why it was so memeworthy 10 years after it was taken. It was the shock of seeing an icon before they were one. No one cared about her terrible makeup in 2008, but in 2018 and now, this pre icon Miley Cyrus is hilarious.

Love, Sammy.

STUDENTS COME TO CUTS FORUM FOR SUBWAY, LEAVE READY TO PROTEST

WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

On April 18th, Massey’s student association hosted a forum in Palmerston North to discuss course and job cuts.

Most students were not as engaged as expected — many there for the free Subway, some leaving straight away.

Since 2023, Massey has cut over 280 staff, as well as degrees like Engineering, Nursing in Albany, Communications in Manawatū, and many

courses in the College of Creative Arts.

General student president, Hennessey Wilson showed his anger.

“How the fuck could this happen?” He told the crowd.

At the end of the forum, Wilson asked students if they would come to another. While no one raised their hands, many did when asked if they would protest against the cuts.

Wilson said the university didn’t prioritise staff and students, with the “uninformed” council setting the agenda.

“This is mainly implemented by an out of touch and incompetent vice chancellor Jan Thomas.”

The forum discussed Albany staff at the innovation complex who oversaw the emptying of rat traps due to maintenance staff being let go.

“This is another example of how far the current leadership is strayed from the purpose of the public institution of learning,” Wilson said.

The university has cut some Māori qualifications, such as Māori Agribusiness, Wilson saying this was without consultation with wider Māori staff or students.

A Massey University spokesperson said that the Māori Agribusiness specialisation with the Bachelor of Agribusiness was closed to new enrolments in 2021 due to low enrolments.

Courses specific to Māori agriculture and the Māori economy are retained in the Bachelor of Agribusiness curriculum, just not as a specialisation.

The spokesperson said alternative proposals were carefully considered for Sciences and

the Humanities, along with all other feedback received during the consultation process.

Both change proposals processes included two feedback periods which resulted in amendments being made before the final decisions.

Member of the Student Action Collective, Alejandro Macias, spoke to his peers.

“To Jan Thomas, to the administration, to the higherups — I know we are in the red in terms of money, but we still need an education”.

“Find other alternatives that do not require firing staff, because our education gets worse, and we won’t even get our degree to make a change.”

Co-branch president of the Tertiary Education Union, Te Awatea Ward said, “Our aim is to keep lecturers in jobs and to keep the qualification you signed up to get, to build a strong healthy university.”

SEWER STENCH AND GREEN RINGS ON SHOWERS AT AUCKLAND TUI HALL

WORDS

BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

Despite cleaners coming six times a week, odd rings of green on shower heads and a sewer stench has left Auckland Tui Hall residents grossed out.

“We have complained about the shower heads. They are definitely green,” Kate Laughter, a Tui Halls resident said.

Laughter said people had also complained about a “really bad sewer stench”.

This stench was also smelt at multiple Massey Auckland accommodation sites, including the Matipo Apartments.

Residents can report issues to maintenance via their resident portal, however, Laughter found it hard to contact the cleaners directly.

“Sometimes I feel like maintenance don’t understand the issue.”

Leanne Radovanovich, associate director of student wellbeing said the bathrooms and communal spaces at the Auckland halls were serviced by a cleaning team six times a week.

The self-catered apartments and studios were cleaned prior to arrival and post-resident departures.

She said some reported issues around cleanliness were not related to the cleaning team's service standard, but

more so the varied standards among residents sharing the spaces.

Radovanovich expected residents, as part of the community standards within Massey Halls, to clean up after general use of communal spaces.

She said residential life staff have meetings with residents to discuss these expectations as well as to give them the opportunity to voice their opinions and experiences.

Radovanovich said reports made via the Fix It Request section of the resident portal were reviewed daily.

Residents can also provide feedback directly to the residential life team who will report any service standard concerns to the facilities supervisor.

DISTANCE EVENTS ARE A ROARING SUCCESS… WHEN STUDENTS KNOW ABOUT THEM

WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

Areport on student events shows that distance students are desperate for social connections, but the majority have no idea that online events are being held for them.

The survey published last Monday hosted by the Massey student association had over one thousand responses from distance students alone.

The need for student-to-student connections placed ‘Social Events’ as the number one requested event, chosen by 249 people.

The desire for academic connection was also apparent, with 99 requests for ‘Study Support’ centred events.

The report provided insight as to why a handful of distance O-Week events held by the student association had record-breaking attendance numbers, while the majority had few to none.

A lack of knowledge surrounding O-Week and distance events in general was identified as the leading cause of low attendance, with 76% of respondents saying they had “no idea” the events were happening.

Te Tira Ahu Pae’s distance vice president, Flynn O’Hallahan said, “Distance events are an important part in levelling the playing field between us and internal

campus offerings, while at the same time increasing our sense of community.”

There was clear support for O-Week and other distance events held throughout the year, with 687 participants rating distance events as ‘Important’.

One distance student told Massive, “Being able to study from home is great, but the downside is that I don’t connect with others like I would if I were studying internally.”

“Growing up, my parents always said that uni was the best three years of their lives, and I feel robbed of that experience.”

The report said the association will "strive to include as much variety in our events program as we can throughout the year, and our chosen events will come from student request.”

“More activity within the distance space will help students feel less isolated and more engaged, improving morale and mental health while increasing the sense of community”.

Distance students looking for support should check out Massey@Distance and Te Tira Ahu Pae Massey Distance on Facebook.

MAORI

MAKING AOTEAROA BETTER FOR INDIGENOUS ICONS

FROM POLITICAL ACTIVISM TO ARTISTS SEEKING OUTRAGE, MĀORI PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING ICONIC SHIT FOR CENTURIES. BUT SOMETIMES THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS AND LIVES CAN SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS OF PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE, LEAVING PEOPLE IGNORANT OF THEIR HARD WORK. THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ALL WORKED HARD TO MAKE AOTEAROA A BETTER PLACE.

GEORGINA BEYER

NOVEMBER 1957 - 6 MARCH 2023

TE ĀTI AWA A NGĀTI MUTUNGA

NGĀTI RAUKAWA A NGĀTI POROU

Georgina Beyer was a transgender actor, drag performer, and former sex worker who served as the mayor of Carterton from 1995 to 1999. From there, she joined the Labour Party and became the Parliament representative for the Wairarapa region till 2005. In doing so she made global history as the first openly transgender mayor in the world as well as the world’s first openly transgender Parliament member. In these positions, Beyer spearheaded and was fiercely supportive of policies that aimed to enact and protect LGBT+ and Māori rights.

But Beyer had to face a difficult life to get to this political position — from growing up in an unstable home environment to facing harassment and traumatic experiences as an adult. But these events were what inspired Beyer to cultivate a career in politics, as she wanted to protect others where no one had protected her. When reflecting on her past during a 2018 interview with The Spinoff, Beyer said, “Once I got out the other end, it gave me a real fire in my belly. That shouldn’t have happened to me. That shouldn’t happen to anyone without being taken seriously.”

In 2004, Destiny Church members protested at Parliament against the Civil Union Bill. Beyers proudly marched up to the protestors saying, “I’m happy to stare them in the eye. Why do you hate people like us so much.” She shouted at them, “Your hatred is totally intolerable”. She was and is a true powerhouse of mana.

TĀME ITI

BORN 1952

NGĀI TŪHOE A NGĀTI WAIRERE

NGĀTI HAUĀ A TE ARAWA

An outspoken activist and artist, Tāme Iti is a figure who has sparked shock and conversation for years. He first made headlines in the 1970s through his involvement with the Māori activist group, Ngā Tamatoa, where he fought against Māori injustices. One of Iti’s greatest concerns in his early activism work was (and still to this day is) the loss of Māori land and violations of The Treaty of Waitangi.

His attempts to rally his iwi members and combat centuries of mistreatment contributed to police justification of the highly controversial Police Raids of 2007, and his subsequent arrest. While Iti was not found guilty on any charges besides that of firearm possession, his previous attempts to draw attention through controversial and audacious acts made him an easy target for media sensationalism.

Iti now channels his political activism through his art, which he said in a 2016 interview was “probably the safest way” for him to express himself. He has hosted multiple exhibitions throughout Aotearoa, with his most recent contribution being his art performance at Waitangi on the day of the national holiday. There, he also gifted Waitangi a sculpture named Ngā Tamatoa, for his earliest days in activism.

DAME TE ATAIRANGIKAAHU

23 JULY 1931 - 15 AUGUST 2006

NGĀTI MAHUTA A NGĀTI KOROKĪ A NGĀTI APAKURA A NGĀTI MANIAPOTO

She was born as the princess Pikimene Korokī Mahuta, and later held the full title of Te Arikinui Queen Te Atairangikaahu Korokī Te Rata Mahuta Tāwhiao Pōtatau Te Wherowhero. She reigned as the Māori monarch for forty years. To the present day, she is still the longest reigning Māori sovereign in the history of Kīngitanga, and is remembered fondly and with reverence.

As the Māori Queen, Te Atairangikaahu was both community-driven as well as politically savvy on a global scale. She was known to move between the different iwis of Aotearoa with ease and was adaptive to the needs and personalities of those who met her. She frequently entertained royalty and figureheads from multiple different countries and was lauded for her skills in public speaking and representing Aotearoa as a whole.

Throughout her reign, she was a passionate advocate for the preservation of Māori language and culture, and she was responsible for the first Treaty of Waitangi settlement. For her continued efforts to pave a better future for all of Aotearoa, Te Atairangikaahu was the first Māori woman to be made a Dame.

MOANA JACKSON

10 OCTOBER 1945 - 31 MARCH 2022

NGĀTI KAHUNGUNU A NGĀTI POROU RONGOMAIWAHINE

After returning to Aotearoa from his studies in the United States, Moana Jackson put his job as a lawyer to work immediately by investigating the Department of Justice. This investigation would mark the beginning of Jackson’s lifelong campaign against the discrimination of Aotearoa’s criminal justice system and his specialisation in constitutional law. He published multiple reports that supported his claims of a need for change in Aotearoa on a foundational level and would continuously challenge the harshness of eurocentric methods of imprisonment. Even after his passing in 2022, his work and teachings continue to be drawn upon by numerous publications.

While Jackson was awarded an honorary doctorate from Victoria University, he refused any formal accolade offered to him by the Government. His steadfast reasoning was that he would not accept them unless the Crown were to fully accept and incorporate The Treaty of Waitangi and all that it promised Māori people.

TAYI TIBBLE BORN 1995

Tayi Tibble is in the early stages of her career as a poet, with her being in her 20s and having completed her master's degree in creative writing in 2017. However, she has already found a rapid degree of success and has been both applauded and awarded for her publications. Her work was quickly picked up by publishers. Her first poetry collection was released just a year after her graduation. From there she has been critically acclaimed and has received widespread positive reviews overseas in countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom. Just a few weeks ago on the 8th of April, The New York Times published an article that praised her work which explored her ancestory. The article referred to her as an ‘it girl’ and style icon.

Through her hard-won ascension to success, Tibble is a role model for many young, aspiring Māori women. She is an icon in the making, with vast amounts of potential for all the ways she may continue to succeed in the future.

“MUM, CAN WE HAVE LADY GAGA?”

“WE’VE GOT LADY GAGA AT HOME.”

CIRCULAR ICONS

BECOMING ICONIC FOR THE WRONG REASONS

RUPAUL,

LADY GAGA, ASHNIKKO, TROYE SIVAN, HAYLEY KIYOKO, CHAPPELL ROAN, RENEE WRAPP, KATE BUSH, FREDDY MERCURY, ELTON JOHN, DAVID BOWIE, HALSEY, GEORGE MICHAEL, KEHLANI...

These people all got onto the queer icons list for the right reasons. But I can tell you that JoJo Siwa will be immortalised in that list for all the wrong reasons.

JoJo Siwa is a child star from the hit reality show Dance Moms. Her fame grew with her collaboration with Nickelodeon, her hair bows, and her hit song Boomerang JoJo’s new single Karma was released earlier this month, alongside an edgy new look. JoJo sings, “I was a bad girl, I did some bad things,” in a heavily autotuned raspy voice.

Sporting a blonde quiff, a black and silver translucent body suit, with what looks to be fin detailing along the arms, flame detailing on the front, black combat boots, and most strikingly, black paint around her eyes and down her neck—this ain’t your grandma’s JoJo Siwa.

My god, this transformation… it’s groundbreaking, it’s progressive, it is pushing ALL the boundaries. Gone are the days of JoJo with the bow bow, tight ponytails and hot pink. Now, it’s budget Lady Gaga.

Being an icon is something many strive for, but JoJo seems to prove you can reach icon status by being terrible. She’s so cringey that it’s wrapped back ‘round on itself and become a moment. She is a circular icon.

I love artists expressing new looks and styles, exploring their identity and finding their sound. JoJo says she was inspired by Lady Gaga’s early work and Miley Cyrus’s Can’t be Tamed era.

However, I don’t believe JoJo had anything to do with her rebranding. It feels like a bunch of people sat down in a room and said, “What will the gays want?” before pushing JoJo out onto the world stage, shaking hands with one another at the amazing product (whoops I mean artist) they’ve created.

JoJo didn’t even write the song which accompanies her new look. In 2012 the song was written by underground artist, Brit Smith, for her debut single. It was later scrapped and offered to Miley Cyrus, who turned it down. 12 years later, following the release of JoJo's version, Brit Smith has released the original.

Change like this just feels scripted. It just screams of trying to recreate what worked for Miley Cyrus. But this doesn’t consider the trauma behind Miley’s switch. Miley genuinely wanted to get away from her childhood image, she wasn’t doing it to try and be revolutionary. She was just bravely and boldly being herself. JoJo’s goal is to be an icon — Miley’s was not.

But despite JoJo’s questionable music, rebranding, and interviews — I want more.

Regardless of the corpo bullshit behind it all, I am on the edge of my seat for what she does next. She has the potential to become an icon in the music industry, so bad she’s loved by all.

I would love to see her take this grungy era further. I want a JoJo Siwa death metal album. I want to hear high-pitched screeches of the most safefor-work lyrics ever put to music. I want to be in the timeline where we have the JoJo Siwa X Slipknot collab.

It could work, stranger things have happened.

IF ONLY I WAS A NEPO BABY...

CONTENT WARNING: BRIEF MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND PAEDOPHILIA

There are 168 hours in a week. Theoretically, I’m meant to be sleeping for 56 of those hours, studying for at least 40, and working two jobs for about 30. This leaves me 6 hours a day to dwell on my lack of funds, whether I’ll actually get a job once I finish my degree drowning in debt, and wishing I had been born a nepo baby.

But according to Goop extraordinaire, Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s tough being born an icon. Nepo babies apparently must work twice as hard and be twice as good. Gosh, it must be rough getting handed everything on a silver platter because they inherited Mummy and Daddy’s wealth and connections.

The things nepo babies can get away with because they are born with icon-status is utterly ridiculous and terrifying.

Apple, Saint, Techno Mechanicus — unfortunately these are real nepo baby name. A terrible name chosen by their out-of-touch parents is a common trait among the nepo baby community. It gets the world to talk about them as soon as they’re out of the womb, in turn, solidifying their icon status.

Nepo babies don’t just come with questionable names, they also come equipped with a CV of questionable job experience. Apparently, nepo babies also have no idea what they want to do with their lives. But they get the privilege of trying anything and everything — no matter how untalented they are.

My favourite nepo baby to pick on here is Brooklyn Beckham, the son of Posh Spice and Bend-it-like-Beckham. He used his nepo baby privilege to publish a book of blurry photographs (with no photography training), become a chef (with no culinary training), and play football professionally (with no talent). Now, he’s a full time Instagram husband to fellow nepo baby Nicola Peltz.

When Brooklyn Beckham lost interest in a job, or his lack of talent was a bit too obvious, I’m certain he always had Mummy, Daddy, and his trust funds to fall back on.

But you’d think that crime is the one thing nepo babies can’t get away with... but no.

Take a look at one of the world’s biggest nepo babies, Prince Andrew. Andy’s friendship with sex offender Jeffrey Epstein got him a lot of things, including being outed as a paedophile. One of Epstein’s victims, Virgina Giuffre, accused Andy of sexually assaulting her on three separate occasions when she was 17-years-old.

But, born into the most well-known and powerful nepo families in the world, little Andy got off scotfree after being outed as a paedophile to the world.

“Oh no he didn’t! He was stripped of his royal titles!” Boo-hoo. The Guardian reported in 2023 that Andy still has the hefty amount of $28 million NZD he earnt before being stripped of his titles. His big brother (cough cough taxpayer) also gives him an allowance to maintain the upkeep of his 30-bedroom Windsor Park mansion.

Y’know where paedophiles should end up? Prison. But I suppose those guys just weren’t born with quite enough icon status.

Royals are the ultimate nepo babies, but the ones born from politics come in a close second. Donald Trump has ruled over his businesses, campaigns, and even a country, through many family members. Eric Trump, Don Trump Jr., Ivanka Kushner, and Jared Kushner have all been appointed by Donny himself. Who better to plan world domination with than your own crazy family?

Most recently, Trump helped his daughter-in-law, Lara Trump gain the role of the Republican National Committee’s co-chair. The RNC committeewoman, Beth Bloch, has told The Wrap that this move has been stamped with God’s approval. Considering Jesus was our original nepo baby, this totally makes sense. My favourite Jesus moment from the Bible was when he asked Judas, “Do you even know who my father is?”

Being born into icon status lets you get away with a lot. But is there anything nepo babies can’t get away with?

Many nepo babies act like they were completely self-made and get defensive when they feel their accomplishments are being diminished because of their familial connections. Many nepo babies are talented (except Brooklyn Beckham). But they were handed opportunities to hone their talent from birth that us normies would never get. Being unwilling to acknowledge this fact is tone-deaf and extremely unlikeable.

Some of our world’s most beloved nepo babies— Dakota Johnson, Maya Hawke, Elizabeth Olson— are celebrated because of the self-awareness they have about their icon-from-birth status.

So, to all my nepo babes out there, make sure you’re self-aware. Apparently acknowledging your privilege is all it takes to maintain your icon status in the nepo baby narrative.

DRAG Conquering culture one shimmering heel at a time DRAG

Sporting a blond wig, a white belt, a crop top, necktie and spike choker, and a giant purple ruffled coat. Wowing the audience with a stunning performance that made me cheer myself hoarse and want to get up there and shake my little ass on stage with them. Dragsters are fucking iconic.

That was my first time watching Faux Femm (aka Kiran Morar) perform. But now, they are greeting me from the other end of a zoom call, talking drag, art, and queer expression, in the hope that I can absorb some of their coolness for myself.

Wellington local drag queen, Faux Femm is one of my old Massey RAs. They hosted the unforgettable hall drag night (where I actually got to shake my ass in a dance off). They log onto the zoom call with a grin and a cheery “Hello”. I want to know what dragster’s secrets are. What makes them able to walk onto a stage like they own it, stun everyone, then vanish into the smoke machine mist?

For Faux Femm, it all started with some fake lashes, a pair of heels, and a whole lot of determination.

"I just started trying to get into drag myself and doing the shoddiest, most awful version of it."

Their love for drag shone through Faux Femm’s face and voice, I felt like I could listen to them talk about it forever.

"I remember very early on doing Poison Ivy looks and Maleficent looks. They were shoddy, of just black lace and Cotton On robe and then duct taping the horns to my head."

But no one can make it alone, and creativity can sure be helped along with a healthy dose of critique. This was where fellow Welly queens, Maria Richmond and Foxy Cleopatra, came in. "Whether it be, 'You probably need to wear a bigger lash', or 'You should probably do your base a little bit better'," says Faux Femm.

The drag community helped them perfect their look. And for the spicy queen, this is what being an iconic dragster means. Being talented but also helping the "baby dragsters" coming up beneath you, no matter how long you’ve done drag for.

"Even very famous dragsters are people who still actively participate on community pages, and they book local performances."

They particularly talked about Harlie Lux, a queen who just moved to Melbourne. "She is undeniably iconic in the scene, for her kind of 1920s to 1950s glamour and her ability to just lip sync so immaculately."

Faux Femm says Harlie is someone who can do wigs all day long and has community rates for drag performers. "She made it attainable for the younger dragsters to be able to access her for wigs, and not to break their bank doing it."

Faux Femm Faux Femm

MASSIVE

PHOTO BY FELIX JACKSON

amoeba geezer amoeba

"The most beautiful people are the people that you remember. And I guess that's how I think about the word

i c o n i c

. It's something that is original and unique. Like a brain worm, you can never forget it."

Drag king, Amoeba Geezer (aka Willem Koller), is approaching their second dragiversary in a different aesthetic. They sport stunningly creepy black and white face paint, a dog leash, and a different moustache each time they take the stage.

Amoeba Geezer has been a reoccurring character on my Insta feed for a long time. Now I am meeting them in my second home, Tussock Café on the Pukeahu campus, just after the lunch rush.

We get talking about how they started out in drag after watching RuPaul’s Drag Race from 12-years-old. "I didn't do a lot of planning before I started drag. I just kind of jumped into it," they say.

Amoeba Geezer says they started without much of an idea of who they really wanted to be. But you gotta start somewhere. "I feel like is kind of the only way you can do it."

The evolution of Amoeba Geezer’s drag persona was pushed by the desire to keep trying new things. "I thought I was gonna do much more clowny, mime, hero stuff for the majority of my drag career. But as I've gone on, it's become a lot more varied."

"I've moved more into alternative punky horror stuff than I ever thought I would at the beginning."

They go on to enthuse about vampires, one of their biggest inspo’s, for the next five minutes. "I'm just like the biggest vampire fan ever," Amoeba Geezer says with a cheesy smile.

"Vampires are so queer as well … and are such an example of masculine flamboyance. Like if you look to vampire film history, the costuming really lends itself to drag king aesthetics."

For Amoeba Geezer, to be iconic is to be remembered.

"The most beautiful people are the people that you remember. And I guess that's how I think about the word iconic. It's something that is original and unique. Like a brain worm, you can never forget it."

Both dragsters say that drag allows them to channel their other passions into an art that celebrates their queer identity.

Faux Femm tells me, "Theater and makeup and fashion — there is such a lineage of queer driving forces and queer bodies. But usually, they are adjacent or background characters. Whereas drag really centralises the queerest possible person.”

Amoeba Geezer feels similar, "I love looking to examples in queer history and stuff like that. I think if you look into other eras, it's really fruitful to see things that you want to draw from."

They say drag "encapsulates so many elements of creativity. You have to be like a painter, a makeup artist, a fashion person. You have to be able to tell a good story”.

Finishing my conversations with these talented dragsters, I think I have discovered the secret to being as iconic as they are. Being iconic is taking your true self, whatever that may be at the time, and turning that shit up to eleven.

The fake lashes are definitely a big help, too.

CONTENT WARNING: RACISM

The first red flag to how my night was going to go, was that he requested to "go upstairs and watch some YouTube". I assumed this was an innuendo to go have some fun. But when we got upstairs, he asked to watch blacksmith videos. I agreed but was a little uncomfortable as he tried to mansplain blacksmiths to me.

I thought the worst was over until he asked me what my ethnic background was. I am very clearly half Chinese, but I like people to guess. So, I asked him to. He then went on to explain how I couldn't be Chinese because they were full of colonists. I told him I was in fact Chinese. He then proceeds to look me dead in the eyes and whisper, "I want to fucking colonise you".

I was so taken aback that all I could do was awkwardly laugh. This man then had the audacity to ask me out for coffee. I was so scared that I accepted the invitation and then excused myself to the toilet.

I informed my flatmates what happened, and they chased him out of the house. I had to move my whole bedroom around because every time I lay down, I could hear him whispering, "I'm going to colonise you".

So even if you met someone and think they’re great, they might turn out to think racism is a bedroom role-play.

Q. I THINK I’VE CAUGHT FEELINGS FOR ONE OF MY FRIENDS, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME. PLS HELP

A.

It’s hard living in the human world of people who keep their cards close to their chest. I like to live life with everything out in the open. I never hide my feelings. All my paddockmates know I’m willing to go down on them at the drop of a hat. All they have to do is ask.

If you aren’t sure how your friend feels about you, there are some signs you can look out for. One classic way I show someone I like them is by asking them to compare hoof sizes. This not only gives me the opportunity to see if their hooves need a trim (huge turn off), but they also get to see my huge hooves. And you know what they say about big hooves...

I’ve very rarely been in a situation where I don’t know if someone likes my hot bod (it’s very rare that they don’t). My favourite way to test the waters is by stealing the shearing scissors from my farmer. I lay them on a fence post and wait for the fine being to come over and shear me. If they don’t pick up the shearing scissors, I can assume they don’t wanna see my raw skin up close. But if they do... well, I know they wanna roll in the dirty mud together.

I once liked this cow who had huge mummy milkers. She found the shearing scissors and rushed over to me. She was in such a rush to ram me that she only sheared my balls so she could see them better. I liked the view of them too.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY.

GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ

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HalfTime – Ōrākau

Tāmaki Makaurau / Kirikiriroa

NZ TOP 10

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

You’ll be turning heads this week, Aries. Your style is on point at the moment take advantage of that and use it to give yourself a confidence boost.

Job hunting is a nightmare, but keep an eye out this week for new opportunities. You might even get an actual response back instead of being left with radio silence.

You can’t actually get Vitamin D from a laptop screen, Libra. Get out of your cave and go find some sunlight before you forget what the outside world looks like.

You’re never too old for stickers, Scorpio. It’s time to decorate your laptop, phone, notebooks, drink bottle any surface you can find. Bring some colour back into your life!

It’s your lucky week, Gemini! Someone you’re missing will make a surprise visit into your life. Welcome them with open arms.

SAGITTARIUS

You were brave about something last week. Keep that fire sign bluntness up and life will go your way. Honesty is the best policy.

CANCER VIRGO

Life’s been difficult recently, Don’t wear those fugly jeans this week. It might’ve made sense to buy them at the time, but it’s going to be an eyesore for everyone else. Better sell them on Depop or Facebook Marketplace.

at the end of the week.

AQUARIUS

It’s the perfect time to add more knick-knacks to your shelf. This week isn’t the time for a bar crawl try a thrift crawl instead! Collect some trinkets and satisfy the goblin hoarder in your head.

You have a ridiculous amount of notebooks you’ve bought but never used, Virgo. This week, try to actually use one of them.

Your flatmate is getting pissed at you for not doing your share of chores. Start being better or you’ll end up with a very passive aggressive household.

DITCH

SUDOKU.

RIDDLE.

A GIRL HAS AS MANY BROTHERS AS SISTERS, BUT EACH BROTHER HAS ONLY HALF AS MANY BROTHERS AS SISTERS. HOW MANY BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE THERE IN THE FAMILY?

WORD OF THE WEEK. FAMOUS RONGONUI

DITCH IT!

CROSSWORD.

DOWN ACROSS

4. What is Barbie short for? (7)

6. Which singing competition show did Katy Perry judge on? (8,4)

7. Leonardo Da Vinci’s most iconic painting (4,4)

8. Karen haircut (3)

12. Taylor Swift’s new album (3,8,5,10)

17. Paris Hilton’s early 2000’s reality show (3,6,4)

19. Musical about the American founding fathers (8)

21. Queer artist who sings HOT TO GO! (8,4)

22. Discontinued cracker-and-dip lunch box snack (2,4)

1. Drag queen RuPaul’s full name (6,5,7)

2. November to December starsign (11)

3. Location of new Massey University campus (9)

5. What is nepo short for? (8)

9. Colour very rarely found in nature (4)

10. Previous Massive issue theme (7)

11. First openly transgender parliament member (8,5)

13. Canterbury student magazine (5)

14. American fast-food specialising in chicken fingers popping off on TikTok (7,5)

15. Live-streaming service (6)

16. Call Her Daddy podcaster (4,6)

18. “May the _____ be with you” (5)

20. Mamma Mia is a jukebox musical of which band? (4)

O D L H Z V Q F U G X R N Q J E K P S L

W E N V G L T K P V S Y M N U Q W K S E

P A R I S H I L T O N V O C L T X J L G

G J P A M G S T M J C Q K M A B Q N E E

Y L U N T K T K U U J K C V W R G X H N

S Q C E C I H O U D N P E L L P B F K D

L Y F P P N O H H X M O J T Z I X X K A

A V A O I B D A N N B M C F N D R A G D

Y W M T Z D S C P D N U B T Y F M O Z I

H G O I W F Z Y B X L A L T V H F B P K

J D U S T E V R Y W O B S R F I I E A O

E L S M X E D L W J R V I O B Y A Y Q K

Q E F P T W N O I K D D Z W Y I M H F I

P J U T D H H I D W E J G A N E O C Y D

D Y Z R D L A Y C X Q P B S W A G P P O

U B T W D K Y T W O U M H I K H Q A J L

R T R U K D U N S Z N L A D Y G A G A I

D D N N J A Y W V H P D Z E K L B G I F

V O I L M R R C W H O O I G Y U I I X Q

ICON DRAG NEPOTISM

FAMOUS

LEGEND

SLAY

PARIS HILTON

C T K R Q H E Z A J S T M P Q K X T B P WORDFIND.

LORDE

LADY GAGA

IDOL

SWAG

THATS HOT POCKET SKUX

Have your say on Wellington’s 10-year plan

We want Pōneke to be a creative capital where people and nature thrive.

We also need to balance the pace of our investment with what we can afford.

Providing feedback is an important way to have your say on the future of our city.

Formal consultation on our 2024–34 Long-term Plan is open until 12 May.

For more information visit wcc.nz/ltp

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER SHE/HER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR

AARIA HUNIA SHE/HER

SUB-EDITOR

NGĀTI AWA, NGĀTI RANGITIHI

MANAWATŪ REPORTER

ELIZABETH MOISSON

NATALYA NEWMAN THEY/SHE

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER

YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER

JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

KEELIN BELL HE/HIM

NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI

PĀMAMAO REPORTER

CAITLIN BINGHAM SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM STAFF WRITER

KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

COVER ART & CENTREFOLD

BY JESS SKUDDER

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS